All language subtitles for it_ain_t_half_hot_mum_s07e02_the_guinea_pigs

Meet the gang cause the boys are here,
the boys to entertain you.

With music and laughter to help you on
your way to raising the rafters with a

hey, hey, hey. With songs and sketches
and jokes old and new, with us about you

and Bill Blue. So meet the gang cause
the boys are here, the boys to entertain

you.

B -O -B -O -Y -S, boys to entertain you.

I hope Atlas Sap is keeping a good
lookout.

Ever since we heard a black panther was
seen near the village, I could not sleep

a wink.

It may be out there in the jungle now,
waiting to pounce on us.

Have you ever seen any black panther?

Yes, eleven.

You have seen eleven black panthers.

What did they do?

Lost four nil.

the football team, you damn silly cully
cook.

I'm talking about giant pussycat with
yellow eyes.

I'll tear you to pieces.

Everything all right, Atlas?

Right. You haven't seen out of that
Black Panther, have you? Black Panther?

That's just a story for old shut -up to
keep us on our toes.

It's nothing.

What is that?

It's coming from Concert Party Basha.

Oh, blimey.

Oh, wait, I'll get my head done.

Saabs, Saabs, we have seen the Black
Panther. What are you talking about?

The Black Panther. It is creeping around
Gloria Saabs' charpoint.

Rubbish.

Listen, Saab.

Panthers don't make noises like that.

Depends what they've eaten.

He may have eaten Lofty Thub.

I wouldn't think so.

Panthers are very fussy eaters.

Quick, Thub! Shoot it! Shoot it!

Oh, it's Gloria.

Stop looking about, Gloria. Lily's shot
you then.

What's the matter with you?

I think she's finally flipped her lid.

Get her up.

I'll show you.

He keeps doing that all the time.

You've woken me up. I was having a
lovely dream. I dreamt I was at the

Milan.

Singing, no eating a plate of spaghetti.

Is he drunk?

Perhaps he was drinking Poggle Pony Top.

That makes you go...

Listen, fellas, do you think we ought to
wake old shot -up up? It's all this

noise about.

How dare you wake everybody up in
another night?

Bombardier Beaumont is sick, Sergeant
Major.

Shut up.

On your feet, Beaumont.

I said on your feet.

I think he really is ill, Sergeant. Shut
up.

He's bringing a len.

Right to work his ticket out of the
arse.

I really would advise caution, Sergeant
Major. He might be seriously ill.

Oh, I really would advise caution,
Sergeant Major. All right. I'll inform

officers. And you'd better be sick,
Bowman, otherwise you're on a fizzle.

Here, fellas.

What's happening?

Someone's seen the Black Panther? It's
disgusting nothing those things roam

about. I've a good mind to write to my
MP.

Captain Ashwood, sir. Wake up.

What is it, Sergeant Major?

A bombardier Bowman's making very
strange noises, sir. What sort of

the Colonel.

Excuse me, sir.

Excuse me, sir.

What on earth's the matter?

What would your Beaumont speak? He's
strange noises. Have you worked me up

to tell me that?

He's always making strange noises. Go
back to bed.

I think you ought to come, sir. Oh,
really?

You've done it now, Beaumont. The
Colonel don't like to be walking up in

middle of the night.

What is all this, Sergeant Major?

Tell the Colonel.

Well, it's a tricky one, sir.

I think he's trying to say something.

If I might venture to suggest, sir,
should he write it down?

Good idea. Write down what's the matter
with you, Bimmer.

I could read what he's written, sir.

Can you hear that, sir?

General Parkins is going to read what he
has written.

Very alert soldier, sir.

Read it, Parkins. Yes, sir.

I'll keep going.

This boy's a blithering idiot, Sergeant.
If I might hazard a guess, sir... No,

you may not hazard nothing, Mr. Lardy
-Darkon and Graham. You've done quite

enough hazarding for one evening, so
shut up.

Let him speak. He knows about these
things. He could have pressure against

inner ear, and this will cause him to
fall over.

We'll have a look.

You're looking at his outer ear,
Sergeant Major. His inner ear is inside,

sight.

What are you on about?

These are his outer ears.

And he has an inner ear here and an
inner ear here.

Rubbish! Nobody has four ears!

Sergeant Major, didn't you do biology at
school?

Well, I went to school, so we didn't do
any holidays.

idea, sir.

If I blow in this ear, the pressure will
go right through and shift what's

pressing against the inner ear here.

Gunner Parkins has done it again, sir!

There it is. If Parkins blows through
this ear, the pressure won't go through

because of Beaumont's brains.

That's what it's meant to be.

It's a matter of opinion, sir.

What else can we do?

Unless we get Gunner Suggland to climb
inside and have a look?

This is no joking matter. The boy could
be seriously ill. I still think he's

swinging the lead, sir. Well, I'm not
prepared to take any chances. Look, get

Park in to radio through to GHQ. I want
an M .O. here first thing in the

morning. All right, chaps, back to bed.

Come on, I'll be right

back.

The airboat should be here by now. I'm
going out on the road in case he misses

the turning.

Right, sir, I'll get Beaumont ready. On
parade, Bombardier!

I don't think he should be weird, nor
this cat

sergeant major. Shut up!

King's regulations clearly state that in
the event of personnel going sick, they

will parade in full cat.

He's very sick.

Shut up, he's not sick until the ammo
says he's sick. Hold him up.

It's sheer brutality.

It's barbaric.

It's Beaumont's trick to go sick.

Why is he going to go sick, sir?

Take all that stuff off him and put him
in my bathroom.

Take his shoes off and put him on my
bed.

Now, look here, Sergeant Major, until
the MO says otherwise, Beaumont is sick.

Clear?

You've said three doctors, sir. What on
earth? Oh, I've really no idea. Good

morning. I'm Colonel Reynolds.

Oh, Bridges, Colonel Bridges. These are
my colleagues, Captains Webb and Hudson.

Ah, you weren't expecting three doctors.

Safety in numbers, eh?

No.

Actually, we're a mobile medical unit,
and as we were passing, GHQ asked us to

look in. Where's the patient? In my bus,
sir. Us, you. Take a look at him, Webb,

would you? Yes, sir.

You've got a concert party lot, haven't
you?

Yes, yes.

A big quartile show.

I'd sooner catch dysentery.

I think you ought to have a look at this
man, Colonel.

All right.

Graham, sir.

Do you think it would be possible for
one of the learned doctors to look at my

left leg?

It's all swollen up. I wouldn't worry
about it.

If it was your left leg that was swollen
up, sir, I would not worry about it

either.

Dr. Higgins!

What are they doing to him in there,
Ashford?

They're poking and prodding him all
over, sir.

He can't carry on much longer, sir. Not
with three doctors going over him,

they'll soon cut him out.

Is it serious, Colonel?

There's nothing wrong with him. I
thought so. Just a minute, Sergeant

mean, there's nothing physically wrong
with him. It's psychosomatic.

Is that catching, sir?

Psychosomatic means it's all in the
mind.

The bowman here is very highly strung, a
sensitive young man.

Conditions here in the jungle are very
harsh. It got him down a bit. He's

completely withdrawn.

Is there a cure?

Yes, I think so. He needs a shock.

Something to pull him out of it.

Shall I kick him up the Arbatite?

I don't think we need anything quite as
crude as that.

No, we've got to be rather subtle,
delicate about this, you see.

Lend me your revolver, would you?

Oh,

trust me, I know what I'm doing.

Thank you.

Surely they're not going to put him
down, sir.

It's going to be absurd, Ashford.

You ask me, it's the kindest thing to
do, sir.

He's a burden to himself and all around
him.

He's mad!

He's trying to kill me!

He's trying to kill me! Calm down, calm
down. I didn't shoot at you. I fired at

the ground.

shouldn't have left it lying on the
floor.

Anyhow, it's done the trick. He's back
to normal.

Well, it must be a miracle then, sir.

Nothing could make him normal.

Right! Don't sort yourself out, Bowman.
I want you and the men on parade in five

minutes. Move it!

You!

Corporal? Yes, sir?

What sort of unit is this?

They're a concert party, sir.

A concert party?

Well, that doesn't help the war effort,
eh?

My view, they're expendable. What do you
think? I agree, sir.

Expendable. Yes, sir.

Totally expendable.

Well, I don't think we need look any
further, gentlemen, eh? No.

They'd be perfect.

Right, then. We're agreed.

Oh, Colonel.

Yes?

I think I ought to explain to you that
we're a prophylactic unit.

Ah, yes. Interesting.

Yes, we're carrying out some anti
-malaria experiments.

We wonder whether your chaps might like
to cooperate.

Oh, yes.

Ershard, these gentlemen are a
prophylactic unit.

Oh, good.

We're carrying out anti -malaria
experiments, and they wanted to use the

party as guinea pigs. What do you think?

I don't know, sir. Could be a bit dodgy.
Yes, I agree. It could be. About six

months ago, you know, we carried out
several experiments on a service corps

unit. The colonel got the MBE.

Oh. What about the captain?

God mentioned in dispatches.

Well, I think we might go along with
this, eh, Rashford? Definitely.

They'll have a word with you, Sergeant
Major. Mr. Williams.

Yes, sir? These gentlemen are a
prophylactic unit.

They want to carry out experiments on
the concert hubby.

What do you think?

Is it painful?

Well, it could be.

I'm all for it.

Which part of the body is the
prophylastic?

Prophylactic. It means preventative. In
this case, an antidote for malaria.

Do you think the men will be willing to
act as guinea pigs?

Oh, I'm sure they will, sir. They don't
like acting as soldiers.

You, of course, won't have to take part
in the experiment, Sergeant Major, but

you will receive an extra large ration
of chocolates, beer and cigarettes along

with the men.

Sounds very generous, sir. What are the
experiments?

A seven -day course of injections.

How big are the injections?

Oh, about that big.

Nasty. My dear Sergeant Major, we can't
force the consul party to take on these

experiments. They'll have to volunteer
of their own free will.

Leave it to me, sir.

I shall see that they volunteer of their
own free will.

Water. The matter of water.

It does matter. I protest.

This is inhuman treatment.

I wish to speak to Colonel Reynolds.

You cannot speak to Colonel Reynolds,
Mr. Lardy Dark and a grim. He and

Ashwood is not sure.

Now, while I give you the order, and not
before, you can fall out for five

minutes rest.

Then can we have a drink?

That will not be necessary,
Gunnarsuggan.

Because this afternoon, we is doing
river crossing.

Underwater.

After

river

crossing, we shall spend the rest of the
day rock breaking.

Why?

perimeter will be whitewashed.

We've got to have a drink of water,
Sergeant.

We can't go on.

Steady, boys, steady.

Wait.

There is one way out.

How would you like one week's excused
duties?

Nothing to do all day but lie around on
your charpoys.

Extra rations.

Chocolate.

Individual tin treacle pudding.

Tinned, rich, dundee cakey.

With almonds, cherries, and marzipan.

Double fags!

And all the beer you can drink.

You're a sadist.

Take some medicine. Stop you getting
malaria.

What sort of medicine, Sergeant Major?

What sort, lovely boy? Just ordinary
medicine.

How much?

Oh, not that much.

Is it nasty?

You won't even taste it.

I'll give you five minutes to discuss it
amongst yourselves.

Sergeant Major, could we have a drink
while we're discussing it?

No, Bobba dear.

You cannot have a drink of all outer.

What do you think?

Oh, you heard what he said.

As much beer as you can drink.

And ten treeful puddings. Yeah, and
dundee cake with almonds and cherries.

marzipan. Yeah, marzipan.

What do you think, Nusha?

Well, you know me, I don't come cheap.

But for that sort of grub, I sell my
soul.

What's the matter with you all? Can't
you see it's a trick? Why should they

us all that stuff just to get us to take
some medicine?

You're right.

It's a trick.

We'll say no.

Agreed, fellas?

All right, all right.

Sergeant Major.

Yes, lovely boy.

We don't want to take the medicine.

Oh, that's a pity.

However, I just think you've made up
your mind a little sharp, it's like, so

was going to give you a little while
longer to think about it. And you don't

mind if I has a drink while I was
waiting, do you?

I want you and old Cookie by here to
join me in a glass of

cool, refreshing beer.

That is very kind of you, Sergeant
Major, sir. But it is against my

drink beer.

Never mind.

You can have a bottle of Vipto.

Oh, Sergeant Major, sir, you are a tough
old fellow, always thinking of others.

I know.

Pour it.

Slowly. Beautiful.

Good health.

Bottoms up.

Here, skin off your nose.

None of you boys.

All you got to do is...

is sign these bits of paper to say that
you is volunteering to take the medicine

of your own free will, and it will have
two bottles each.

Now, there is the beer, there is the
papers, and by here is the pen.

ready to take their medicines. Very
good. I want to have a word with them.

right, stand at ease, gentlemen.

Now, before I explain what's going to
happen, I want to say how proud I am

you volunteered for this experiment.

By your efforts, you have furthered the
cause of medical science in the true

British tradition.

You can shove this stuff into rats and
monkeys, but sooner or later, you've got

to have people.

I mean, where would Alexander Fleming
have been without people to shove his

mouldy stuff into?

Where would Lister have been without
people to be antiseptic with?

And where would, um... Charles Smith?

Yes, where would Charles Smith have...
Who's Charles Smith?

The captain of the Titanic.

Anyway, I'm very pleased you volunteered
of your own free will.

Excuse me, sir. Shut up!

dare you address the commanding officer
without asking for permission.

May I have permission?

Certainly not.

Shirts off.

Why have we got to take our shirts off?

Well, it's more hygienic, isn't it?

I mean, you don't want medicine all down
in nice, clean uniforms.

And don't forget, lovely boys, now, once
you add your medicine, there's a nice

big bar of chocolate for each of you.

Now then, you see how bombed your moment
is standing?

I'm sorry, sir.

It's all right, come right here.

I want you all to start like that.

Ready, Corporal.

Here. What's he doing that for?

To stop a lot of nasty germs getting in
your little arms.

We're going to be injected.

What? You never said anything about
injections.

You just said we're going to have to
medicine and we wouldn't taste it.

Well, it won't taste it.

It might hurt, but it won't taste it.

There's no need to kneel down.

I'm not kneeling down.

All right, beg your pardon.

I'll bet he screams the place down.

That's funny. He hasn't made a sound.

He may be little, but he's very
determined.

Can I borrow a couple of you chaps for a
moment, please?

I'll take that, sir.

Oh.

That's next.

You'll either have to shove it in harder
or get another needle.

Did you hear that?

He's about to...

You're next.

Here, Gloria.

I've got a tip for you, son.

Whatever you do, don't look.

Thanks, Nubby. I won't look.

You see?

I never made a sound.

Come back. I haven't done it yet.

Would you stand still? Hold this out. I
am holding it.

Would you stand still? Ow!

You silly arse!

I got that much.

Well, in that case, here's your
chocolate.

They're all quite normal. Well, that's a
relief.

How much longer is Colonel Bridges going
to be?

He'd no right to rush up to J .S .Q.
like that. It was rather urgent, sir.

I don't like the look of them, you know.

Are you all right, Sergeant Major?

You don't look too good.

A little under the weather, sir. Sorry
about that. One or two urgent cases to

see to. Everything all right? No, it
isn't. Well, what's happened, Webb?

they're in a perfectly fit in
themselves, sir.

Only... Only what? Where are they? In
their basher, and they won't come out. I

can't say I bled them. What are you
talking about?

Perhaps I'd better see them. Get the
first three yards fast, Major, would

Look

what

you've done to us.

I've lost my looks.

It's only a minor allergy.

Minor? Yes, I'll be cleared up in a few
days.

Oh, you'd better get the next three in
there.

I

think

I ought to tell you, Sergeant Major, I

intend to take action over this.

I think I ought to tell you, Mr. Lord,
there's nothing you can do.

You signed them papers with your own
free will. All right, all right, all

Let's have a look at it.

They look awful, Sergeant Major.

Why, you know, sir, you're rather
suitable.

Nothing to worry about. Nothing to worry
about at all.

Oh, yes, of course. Now, you're the chap
that got it by mistake.

Yes, and I'm going to sue you. Why, you
look perfectly normal to me.

Normal? To call this normal?

Oh, that'll soon grow in again.

Ah, well, Bombardier, at least it hasn't
affected you.

What are you going to do about...

I think I should write him out a titty
for a bra, sir.

Look here, chaps, I do want you to know
that I appreciate your taking part in

these experiments. As you can probably
guess, we have one or two creases to

of iron out.

As the man says, Rome wasn't built in a
day, and we, in the size...

What's the matter with you, Sergeant
Mater?

Pardon? Why don't you get him to his
basher quickly?

Right, my God.

It's not what I think it is.

He's got it.

He's got malaria.

Serve him right.

To every man who sins comes nemesis.

Has he got that as well?

Let's have another pee, Bishop.

No. Oh, go on.

Oh, very well.

You don't need to worry. You know what
they say about baldness.

It's a sign of virility.

That lot of good that's going to do me
out here.

Is it malaria?

Well, he doesn't have all the symptoms.
Of course, we won't really know until we

have a blood test.

It's my guess that all this talk of
malaria affected him mentally.

You mean it's psychosomatic?

Yes, could be.

Well, there's only one way to find out.
May I borrow your revolver? Yes, yes, of

course.

Thank you.

So it was psychosomatic after all,
Sergeant.

That as may be, sir.

Now, Doctor, you'd better take a look at
your colonel.

I think his shot is taut.

Hey, hey, hey.

The voice to entertain you.

B -O -B -O -Y. It's voice to entertain
you.