All language subtitles for it_ain_t_half_hot_mum_s07e01_that_s_entertainment

Meet the gang cause the boys are here.
The boys to entertain you.

With music and laughter to help you on
your way. To raising the rafters with a

hey, hey, hey.

With songs and sketches and jokes all
anew. With us about you and Blue Blue.

meet the gang cause the boys are here.
The boys to entertain you.

B -O -B -O -Y -S. Boys to entertain you.

Mahami, will you stop pestering me? I'm
not going to put you in the show, and

that is that. But, sir, I have been
bitten by the bug.

Then you better go and see the M .O.

No, sir, sure business, bug.

Once I was content to be a humble
chawala, but being with you, my life is

changed. I too want to be a star.

I can do it. I know I can.

Listen, sir.

On with the metallic...

I want to give the colonel spare ribs
and one ton tonight.

You damn coolly cook.

That was me singing.

Oh, boy.

Now I have to think of something else
for the colonel's supper tonight.

Get out, rider!

Come on, move yourself, move yourself.

You shall be there by now. Come on, come
on, move yourself.

You! Squad,

China!

Men are ready for inspection, sir.

Do I have to inspect them? I see them
every day.

I think you ought to, sir.

I mean, it's good for their morale.

It makes them think you care, sir. But I
don't care. They're such a shower.

All right, well, let's make it quick,
Ashford. You inspect the back, I'll

inspect the front. Right, sir.

What's it like at the back?

Terrible. So it is at the front.

I don't think we should make an issue of
it, do you? Yes, it's far too hot.

Excuse me, sir, I think you should
inspect a few individuals.

All right, I should.

You've got your hat on, back to France!

You shade today, Graham?

Yes, Sergeant Major.

Well, in future, try and get your chin
to match your head.

What's this? How dare you come on parade
with a button missing, Parkins? He's

got a very big chest, sir.

You see, they don't make shirts to fit a
man of his calibre, sir, but he has got

lovely shoulders. How you notice, sir?
Shoulders back like yours. Always good,

little shoulders.

How's that under your trousers,
Macintosh?

Must foreign, sir.

Must foreign under your trousers? You
wear it over your kilt.

It is over my kilt, sir.

Under my trousers.

I was rehearsing the new Harry Lauder
number. Stop your tickling, jock.

You've got blue eyes, Bombardier.

Thank you, sir. Actually, they're more
sort of a... No, no, no, the lids, the

lids.

And you've got lipstick on.

You're wearing make -up.

I'm sorry, sir, I've run out of cold
cream.

Put in a requisition for some, sir.

I've already put a requisition in, sir,
for some hand grenades.

Well, add on the cold cream.

Want me to do with some more powder
puffs, please?

You got this, Sergeant Major?

Yes, sir.

Hand grenades, cold cream, powder puffs.

And a pint of milk and a small loaf.

Shut up!

Right, stand at ease, will you?

Not a very good turnout, men.

I mean, I know you're entertainers, but
don't forget you are soldiers as well.

Let me take them out of the jungle for a
week, sir. I'll soon make story. Yes,

all right, certainly.

Now, Major Grant Hopkirk, the divisional
entertainer's officer, He's coming to

see the show on Thursday, and it's got
to be good.

He wasn't very happy about it last time.

Excuse me, sir. What will happen if he
doesn't like the show, sir? We could be

disbanded. Yes, they're cutting back all
round. The war's costing more than they

thought.

Anyway, Major Grant Hopkirk is a true
blue Englishman, so if you take my tip,

you do the sort of stuff that he goes
for.

We can do tribute to the few. It's full
of lovely English sounds.

Excellent. So one very important thing.
We must have a good audience.

Leave it to me, sir.

I will collect an audience that will
give them English songs a really big

reaction.

He's going to give you his impression of
George Formby. So take it away,

Professor.

Oh, Mr. Woo, what can I do?

Where have you been, Mohammed?

Selling tea to the audience.

They have bought my entire stock of
buns.

Look! Mr. Sweetheart, you can either be
in the show or sell tea. You cannot do

both. Please don't be angry, Gloria,
sir.

I'm so grateful that you have given me
this chance.

Very good.

I only put you in the tribute to the few
because we haven't got enough people.

Gloria, the audience, they're not tough.

Have a look and see what Major Garnock
does to him, Hamid.

Did you look pleased?

There's a happy smile on his face, but
his eyes are closed and he's asleep.

He never could hold an audience.

I should have gone on myself. I could
have done my Eddie Cantor.

Well, I'm towing him up.

You like your gag about Nush, yeah?

Beg your pardon?

Gun of Evans.

He certainly tears them up with as flat
as a pancake.

And you lost your bottle. Aye.

You went, aye, aye, aye. You always go,
aye, aye, aye. When you've lost your

bottle and can't even think of what to
say next. And your face goes all blank.

How dare you.

I'm a professional artiste. I do not
lose my bottle. My face does not go

A flippin' amateur.

What is that like? You just hurry up and
get ready.

Stand by with the machine gun effects,
arson.

Ah, tribute to the not so many.

Tribute to the few, you damn ignorant
police.

Major Grant Hopkirk enjoying the show,
Major?

It's hard to tell, sir.

Better go and see he's all right.

Enjoying the show, Major?

Don't worry, it gets much better as it
goes on.

Good, because I don't see how it could
possibly get any worse.

The audience has been very enthusiastic,
Sir Major.

Never mind. The theme with all the
English songs in it next. That'll get

going. I think we can rely on that one.

Now, the Royal Artillery Concert Party
proudly presents a

tribute to the few.

In 1940, things looked grim for dear old
England.

The skies above the whiteness of Dover.

were black with German flames.

Where would we have been without those
brave English boys in blue?

The R .A .F.

of human conflict was so much owed by so
many to so...

Unconquered, you?

I'm fed up hearing about England.

Conquered? We beat the hell out of them
at Bannockburn.

If they think the law was being England,
then they are going to hear a few words

from me.

Keep voting!

Now, listen to me very carefully.

I'm going to give it to you straight
from the shoulder.

You are the worst show I have ever seen
in my life.

voice that can't be heard past the first
tree.

Has it ever occurred to you that you're
very short? Eh? Eh?

And you with the bald head.

Make the piano sound like a Jew's harp.

That is the mythic as well. Shut up!

And you, the ventriloquist.

For your information, the dummy's lips
are supposed to move, not yours.

Yes, very confusing. Shut up!

The troubler here is the only artist
amongst you.

I thought he was jolly good as that Nazi
pilot.

Once more, it makes a damn fine cup of
tea.

But as for you, the so -called producer
and female impersonator, you're not a

female impersonator.

You're a... You're a pooser.

You're a poof!

What did you think of my pipe -a
-tearing?

I'll tell you what I think of your...

You see this?

This is a list of your engagements for
the next month.

Voila!

They are cancelled.

As from 1 ,200 hours today, this concert
party is disbanded, finished, and you

all go back to active service.

Carry on, sir. Sir!

Good morning, sir.

Good morning.

Ashwood will explain everything to you.

Explain what, Ashwood?

We've been disbanded, sir.

Disbanded? What on earth are we going to
do?

No problem, sir.

Tomorrow morning, first thing, I'll
start them on jungle training.

Yes, he's got his entertainment advisor,
General Chiang Kai -shek.

The concert party has already been
disbanded, sir. The new chap who's tech

neighbour wants to make his own mind up,
so no more jungle training.

Just one more go, sir.

I've got plenty of ammunition.

Sir! Sir!

The men need it! Sir, the men need it!

I've got to give it once! I've got to
give it once! We've got to have it!

I can't leave anything to chance,
Ashford. Sit me down.

Sorry, Major.

The new entertainment officer, Major
Fawcett, is coming to see the show on

Friday.

Let's hope that does not end in a riot
as well, sir.

That was caused by the dreadful rabble
you got for an audience.

With respect, sir, the Gordon
Highlanders is a very fine body of man.

It was merely showing their
protuberance.

What are you talking about, Sergeant
Major?

They were like wild animals.

One of them threw a hand grenade.

Take the pin out, sir.

Anyway, Major Fawcett is giving us one
more chance. Tell Bombardier Berman I

want to see him, would you? Sure. Thank
you.

I can't think that putting me in the
show is going to help a lot, sir.

It will, yes, but it will. You have
great style.

Do you know, I think you do one of the
finest James Cagney's I've ever seen.

I'd like you to do it for me. Oh, I
can't. I'm just a fool. No, do it.

Do it. That is an order.

Very well, sir.

You dirty rat.

You dirty rat, you.

That is fantastic.

How do you do it?

Well, it's observation, sir.

What's this thing, mister?

Yes, you've heard the news about the
show next week.

Yes, and I've got some wonderful ideas.
So have I. I'm putting Captain Ashford

into the show.

Beg your pardon?

Well, he's got these marvellous
impersonations. Go on, Ashford, show

And you as a professional artiste, I
want your frank opinion, all right? Yes,

do.

Go ahead, Ashwin.

You dirty rat. You dirty rat.

What do you think? I'll try to be
constructive.

Let me show you.

You dirty rat.

You taught us how to cheat, steal and
kill.

And then you landed on us.

I mean, for you, we might have been ding
-dings on a streetcar.

And now you dirty double -crossing rat.

You... I'm going to get away with coming
with you.

Okay?

No, you try.

You dirty rat. You dirty rat.

Try to get the mouth the right shape.

You. You.

You. You. You. You. You. You. You.

You. You. You.

You. You.

You. You. You. You. You.

You. You. You.

You. You. You. You.

You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You.
You. You. You.

You.

You.

You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You.
You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You.

You.

You.

and came down to my door.

I don't think I've got the chin for
that, sir.

Why don't you try schnozzer Durante?

Sitting up by Pierre, I've got a million
of them. Hot cha -cha, hot cha -cha,

hot cha -cha.

What's the matter? My neck's gone.

She did too many hot cha -chas.

Don't worry, sir. You can still be in
the show.

Put you in a bar. and you can come on as
Lana Barrymore.

Gloria. Yes. When we do the show next
week, there are a couple of things I

to ask you. Now, look.

Oh,

good afternoon.

Are you looking for someone?

Oh, good afternoon, kind sir.

My name is Mr Patel.

I run a small shop in the village and I
play the piano with jolly amazing

dexterity.

Thank you for getting here so promptly,
Mr Patel. Here is the music.

What's going on here?

I'm ready for my audition.

Audition? For the last time, you are not
going in the show. Colonel Pabst has

given me permission to do an audition.

Oh, has he? Let's see about that.

Colonel Reynolds, sir.

Yes? The child will have said that you
said he can do an audition.

Yes, that's right.

Tell Mr. Williams I want to see him.

I don't know what's going on around
here. It's like amateur night in Dixie.

Sergeant Major.

Yes?

Colonel Reynolds. for you, sir.

All right.

Sir!

Sergeant Major, I've thought of a little
ploy.

A little ploy, sir? Yes, it might carry
weight with this new chap, Major

Fawcett, if we put a number in the show
that would appeal to Indian troops.

What are you going to do, sir?

A scene from English drama by Noel
Coward, Colonel Bob.

That is going to do Noel Coward,
Sergeant Major.

Very brave, sir.

Carry on, sir.

Thank you, Colonel Bob. You are most
kind.

Colonel Reynolds, I'm not... Shut up!

Where, Jasmine?

On my honeymoon.

Oh, what a jolly coincidence.

So am I. Are you happy?

Exquisitely. Are you?

Excruciately.

That pianist has a very small
repertoire.

How dare you insult my repertoire?

I am playing what you are asking me to
play. It is in the play, you damn fool.

Strange how portentous cheap music is.

What are you talking about cheap?

You are paying me six rupees.

before Major Fawcett comes to see the
show, and it's got to be good.

Don't worry, sir, we won't let you down.
I've got this wonderful idea for a new

number. It's called A Pretty Girl is
Like a Melody.

It'll knock them cold.

I'll do it just like that Busby Barclay
film, with a giant wedding cake and a

huge staircase.

a huge stick.

I think they're sweet.

Boys to entertain you.