All language subtitles for it_ain_t_half_hot_mum_s06e07_caught_short

Meet the gang cause the boys are here.
The boys to entertain you.

With music and laughter to help you on
your way. To raving the rafters with a

hey, hey, hey.

With thump and fetching and jokes old
and new.

With up and bounce, you won't feel blue.

Go meet the gang cause the boys are
here. The boys to entertain you.

B -O -B -O -Y -S.

Boys to entertain you.

Hey, Paderewski. What is it?

If you was given an elegant candlelit
dinner party for several prominent

of society and the cook was suddenly
taken ill, what would yous do?

Send out for some fish and chips.

Aye, that's the obvious thing to do,
isn't it? Hasn't he got it down here,

though? What on earth are you reading?

It's a chapter on dinner party etiqu...
Etiqu...

Etty Q. Etty.

Here's another one.

The best wine to serve with fish is a
purely fussy.

But make sure it is at the right
temperature.

Now, how would you do that? Stick my
finger in the glass.

You'd think so, wouldn't you?

But that's not what it's got down here.

That's the trouble with the people that
write their books.

No common sense.

Can you not fix it, Parkey? No, the left
eye won't close.

Something must be jammed. Here, let me
have a go.

Blast. How can I have these figures with
all that noise going on? Tell something

to be quiet.

Sagden, shut up!

It's in my ear, Sergeant Major. Go over
and tell him.

Shut up!

Do you want something, Sergeant Major?

What's the matter? Are you deaf or
something? I told you to shut up!

Sorry, Sergeant Major. I can't hear when
I've got my own voice ringing in my

head.

There's no room for two voices in there.

There's no room for any brains in there
either. Now shut up! Captain Ashwood's

trying to do the accounts.

There you go, Parky. I reckon I've fixed
it.

Oh!

You know what I said?

Just shut up.

Smashed my poor little dummy's eye.

What? You tried on it.

What was he doing on the ground?

I'm afraid it was my fault, Sergeant
Major.

Well, I was trying to mend it and it
just popped out like... Now, I see. It

his fault, not mine.

How can I go on the stage with little
Jungle Jim if he's only got one eye?

Me old ex ruined.

Why? I didn't do it on purpose, did I?

Yeah, but you did it all the same.

I mean, how offensive are teeth like us?

It's nice to work under these
conditions.

Watch it.

Now get a Parkins.

There's no need to get upset over a
dummy boy.

Pull yourself together now, Levy boy.

Shoulders back.

Remember now he's a soldier.

He doesn't understand.

More dummy is part of me.

Who was all that about, Sergeant Major?

I accidentally trod on Gunner Parkin's
glass eye.

I never knew Parkin's only had one eye.

Dummy's eye, sir.

Oh, I can't bother with all that. I've
got quite enough problems here.

These accounts won't add up.

What's wrong?

Well, according to these figures, there
should be 1 ,500 rupees in the float.

But there's only 1 ,005.

So that means there's 495 rupees
missing.

Are you sure you've added them up
correct, sir? Yes, I've checked them

dozen times.

Well, I shouldn't worry. The colonel'll
sort it out when he comes back from the

HQ tomorrow.

No, I want to find out where the money's
gone for myself. I don't want the

colonel to know.

Why is that, sir?

Well, I should have done these accounts
after pay -free last week, and I didn't.

I was so upset about that letter.

What letter's that, sir?

It was, uh, from my wife.

Well, what's she say?

Sidney Lazenby's been in the house
again.

Who is, uh, Sidney Lazenby?

My next -door neighbour.

He was a frightful cad.

Wears red shoes and smokes Turkish
cigarettes.

A real lounge lizard.

Why is he not in the army?

That's what I'd like to know.

Anyhow, he's always leaning over my
garden fence and making caddish remarks

about my wife.

Things like how pretty she is.

Well, he sounds harmless enough, sir.

Harmless? Harmless?

He's been into my house to look at my
wife's overflow.

Why didn't you get a plumber?

That's what I want to do.

Well, I'm sure you can trust her, sir.
Well, I hope so.

But after all, we're only human.

She's a woman, I'm a man. We've been
apart for two years.

And I have to ask myself one question.

What's that, sir?

I've been tortured with it day and
night.

What is the question?

If one of these pretty Burmese girls
asked me into her hut to look at her

overflow, how would I behave?

Like a gentleman, I expect.

No, that's the problem.

War is hell, Sergeant Major.

Don't crack up now, sir.

Are you sure that money's missing?

Yes, according to these figures, there
should be 495 rupees in there.

It was in there and somebody must have
taken it out.

There's no doubt about it, somebody's
taken it out.

Where do you keep that cash box, sir?

Down to my bed.

I think a loose one has got in.

No, too many of it's about.

I'm afraid it must be an inside job,
sir.

What about our chaps, though? I can't
believe it.

There's one way to find out.

I'll turn out their kit right now. No,
no, no. That would create an awful

atmosphere.

All right, sir. How would it be if you
take them on a jungle run and keep them

out of the place for, say, half an hour?

All right, but let's get it over as
quickly as possible.

Right, sir.

Get your rifles and your bayonets! It
can't be nice when he's taking you for a

jungle run.

This is our rehearsal time.

I've still got to do my plies.

I's not interested in your filthy
habits. Move yourself!

I haven't finished my scales.

Shut up.

You's all puny and flabby. You needs to
get out in the fresh air.

We are out in the fresh air, Sergeant
Major. No, you is not, Mr. Lardy Dog and

Graham. In you, you is in in the fresh
air. Out there, you is out in the fresh

air.

You looks pasty -faced.

All of you need some colour in your
cheeks.

And you, charwaller, get that dirty
hern. You going as well.

Besides, I made a sub.

I have very rosy cheeks.

All ready, Sergeant Major?

Start. Come on, come on, come on.

Fall in, fall in.

Stop running.

Right, chaps, let's get ourselves wound
up. You hear what the officer said. Wind

yourselves up. Up, up, up, up, up, up.
Move it, move it, move it, move it.

How about a song to get us going,
Bombardier?

How about Stout -Hearted Man?

Excellent. You start us off.

For the right play you don't.

Start clear with ten. Who was out
talking then? And now you give me ten

more.

did you put in his team, Mohammed?

Plenty. He will sleep like a baby until
the morning.

Yeah, but, Nobby, go and get his box.

Right, got it.

If we get caught going for a whole shut
-up's box, we'll get into terrible

trouble. Look, he made an excuse to get
us out of the way just so he could rifle

our kit.

And that gold pen your mum gave you for
your 21st birthday is missing.

What more evidence do you need?

I don't know. He thinks I'm his son.
Perhaps he pinched it for sentimental

reasons. Aye, like money.

Where's his keys?

Money, money, money.

Everything all right? Yeah, but he keeps
muttering the words money, money in his

sleep. That proves he's a crook.

Yeah, well, we'll soon find out.

Perhaps we ought not to open it, eh?

Look, until we find that pen, we can't
prove a thing.

Let's see what we've got here.

Adventures of Erotic Edna. Yeah.

That's the book he took off me. He said
he was going to burn it.

The only burnings this book's had is
from the Sergeant Major's eyes.

Further Adventures of Erotic Edna.

Two Further Adventures of Erotic Edna.

Son of Erotic Edna.

She gets around a bit, doesn't she?

That dirty -minded pig.

Just see, that's the sort of monster
we've got in charge of her.

A clean body and a clean mind.

D 'oh!

The bloomin' epiclet!

Hey, wait a minute. What's this?

Only to be opened in the event of my
death.

It's addressed to you, Parky. Oh, look.
The gun on the envelope's perished.

Go on, read it out. Read it out.

Oh, come.

It's addressed to you.

It's only to be opened in the event of
old Sharp's death.

I can soon fix that.

I can't stand it. I must know what's in
that letter.

Dear son, I'll call you that even though
I'm not sure if you are my boy or not.

Perhaps it's just as well that now I'll
never know.

So as I go on my way to report to that
great battery office in the sky, to you

leave all my worldly possessions.

My silver top cane and my life savings,
43 pounds, eight and six, which is in

the Portcullis Building Society.

This should give you a good start in
life.

Good luck, my lovely boy.

Don't forget, shoulders back and stand
up straight.

Love, your old dad.

Sorry I treated your mates so hard.

But I only wanted to make folders out of
them.

They're good lads that are.

Especially little Lofty.

Heya, Nobby.

It's your turn to go on guard.

Oh, by the way, Parky.

I forgot to give you your pad back. You
lent it to me yesterday.

Get blue.

Cha!

Cha, water!

Eat it all.

Yes, sir, let me get up.

Take us up. One hard cup of delicious
tea. Coming up.

What happened to you, Sergeant Major?
It's ten o 'clock.

I'm sorry, sir.

I seem to have slept late.

You've never done that before.

You've missed breakfast, I'm afraid.

I don't want any breakfast, sir.

I got a mouth like the inside of a tram
driver's glove.

I checked these figures again last
night. That money's still missing.

It must have been in there and
somebody's taken it out.

I'm so relieved you didn't find it in
the chap's kit.

I've still got to search their bodies
yet, sir.

Well, how will you do that?

Leave it to me, sir.

Get on parade!

Could I borrow your magnifying glass,
sir? Yes, of course.

Thank you, sir.

Come on, come on!

Now, sound from your knees.

Consign! Turn that ice!

Right. Now, strip off and drop your
clothes behind you.

I said strip off and drop your clothes
behind you, bloody, bloody!

How do you make it? Why have we got to
take our clothes off?

I want to have a look at your bumps.

My bumps?

Prickly heat inspection.

It's the first time I've ever heard it
called that.

Shut up.

Jawalla, punkawalla!

I've always had my suspicions about him.

Shut up.

Thank you, sir.

What are you going to do, Sergeant
Major?

Well, I shall...

Expect them for a prickly heat bump,
sir. And you get behind them and search

their clothing.

See, that's awfully clever.

Thank you, sir.

Right. High front.

May I ask what you're looking for,
Sergeant Major?

May I ask what you're looking for,
Sergeant Major?

I will tell you, Mr. Lauderdale Gunner
Graham, I was looking to see if your

prickly heat bumps is going sceptic.

May I ask what Captain Ashwood is doing
behind me? No, you may not. Just look to

your front.

Just remind your P's and Q's, Graham.

You'll get it far too uppity.

Sorry, sir.

Can you see anything unusual, Sergeant
Major?

Yes, you. Look to your front.

Could you please ask Captain Ashwood if
I've got anything to worry about behind?

You've got everything to worry about
behind.

In front and all around for 400 degrees.

I thought there were only 360 degrees.

You've got an extra 40. Shut up.

Look at the parking.

Beautiful, beautiful.

Your shoulders look even better under
glass.

I've got some ingrown hairs on my chest.
Is it serious?

Yes.

It's gone right through your body.

You could end up with an hairy heart.

Your chest looks very red, McIntosh.

It's just the coloured ink's half the
tattoo, Sergeant Major.

Hey, there's some wee writing at the
bottom of that tattoo.

It's too weak to be seen by the naked
eye. Can you make out what it says? I've

never found out.

Where do you have this done?

Glasgow. It took four hours. And the
pain, the pain was terrible.

But I never moved a muscle.

What's it say?

He cried like a baby.

You didn't find anything, sir? No.

What do we do now?

What was all that about?

Don't ask me, I think... Wait a minute.

Oh, no.

What's the matter?

Well, he wanted us to lift their arms.

Well, what about it? Well, all that
prickly rubbish was just an excuse.

What for? So we could look under our
arms. What for?

Lumps! What lumps?

Bubonic plague!

Don't search each other, Sergeant Major.
We must eliminate all suspects.

Yes, sir.

That you care to peruse my box first.

Bubonic plague.

I've never had such rubbish in all my
life. It's not rubbish.

I didn't say nothing because Lydian
wanted us to panic.

The first sign of bubonic plague is
lumps under the arms.

Then you go black and fall down dead.

Now, shut up.

I've got something there. I can feel it.
Feel what?

Lumps! Lumps!

There's nothing there.

Don't do that. I'm tickling you.

You're supposed to be worried.

I am worried.

I'm worried to death.

Well, there's nothing in your box,
Sergeant Major, so you're in the clear.

By the way, who's Erotic Edna?

Well, she's a sort of lady detective,
sir.

You mean like Agatha Christie's Miss
Marple, who travels the world on the

You could say that, sir.

Say what?

When we've done that, we'd better
examine each other. We'd better pretend

examine our bodies for prickly heat. We
don't want the chaps to get suspicious.

Are you sure there's nothing there?
Nothing at all.

Well, I'd say, sir, there's nothing in
your box.

I suppose we'd better just search our
clothing.

I don't think it necessary for us to
take our trousers off.

Why not, sir?

Well, it stands to reason.

I mean, 500 rupees would be a large
bundle of notes.

If either of us had anything as big as
that in our trousers, everyone would

notice.

What a relief. You know, for a moment,
I... Look.

I was right.

Look at him.

They're worried as well.

Well, Sergeant Major, we searched the
men, and we searched ourselves.

So none of us took it out. But somebody
took it out.

Just a minute.

There's only one person besides me who
has a key to that cash box.

And that person locked it and handed it
to me.

And that person is the only person we
haven't searched.

Afternoon, Sergeant Major. Afternoon,
Sergeant Major.

We must search his box tonight.

Are you sure, Mohammed?

Oh, yes, sir.

Ramzan woke up in the night and saw the
Captain Saab and the Sergeant Major Saab

searching the Colonel Saab's box. And
they found hundreds and hundreds of

rupees. Keep your voice down.

We don't want them to hear.

What did Captain Ashwood say?

The man is an absolute boulder.

They said the Colonel Saab had stolen
the money from the payroll sink.

Float your book.

All that rubbish about prickly heat
inspection was just an excuse to search

for the missing money. Oh, what a relief
not to have bubonic plague.

What a terrible night.

Oh, I've had all these dreams. I was
dying.

Suddenly the world is a beautiful place.

I'm so glad the colonel's a thief.

The best news I've had.

All right, Mr Chair. Yesterday, how did
it go?

Not bad.

What's the matter with you two this
morning? You probably said a word.

I find you both very boring.

I'm going inside to write home to my
wife, which will be even more boring.

But at least I should be in the shade.

That was the most awful meal I've ever
had in my life.

There's no doubt about it, sir. The
colonel definitely took that money.

This is terrible.

I mean, he's an ex -public schoolman.

An old fool, even.

And he's betrayed his trust.

All my illusions are shattered, Sergeant
Major.

There's only one thing for it.

I shall have to have it out with him
that he took it out.

Confront him eyeball to eyeball now.

The only way, sir.

Yes, the only way.

I'll give him one last chance to put it
back.

But if he doesn't, I shall have no
alternative but to inform the military

police.

You'd better keep the chaps busy in
their butter.

Sure. Right, stand by your charpoys. Get
in, Inspector.

Excuse me, sir.

Yes, what is it?

Could I have a word with you?

I hope you're not going to be boring.

It's rather important.

Yes?

I find it very difficult to say, but I
must get it off my chest.

You mean about Sidney Lazenby and your
white overflow?

You've been reading my letters.

You're an even bigger cad than I
thought. Well, you left it on the bed

a bit bored.

Oh!

You were bored, were you?

I wonder if you'll still be bored when
you hear what I've got to say.

Yes, quite probably.

Right. You asked for it.

You took it out, didn't you?

As soon as my back is turned, you took
it out.

Do you catch my drift?

Not really, no.

Don't bother to deny it.

You took it out all right, and you know
that I know that you know that you took

it out.

Do I make myself clear?

Well, I think... No, I mean, it's
probably not the first time you've done

mean, perhaps it was the heat, or maybe
you did it for the excitement, or to

break the monotony.

Well, I'm going to give you a chance to
make amends.

If we'd been out here 50 years ago, I
wouldn't have done that.

Do you know what I'd have done?

I've no idea.

Left a loaded revolver on the table in
your bungalow, and you'd have known what

to do with it.

Would I?

Well, I know where you're keeping it.

I know where it is, and so do you.

So I'm going to turn my back, and if you
put back what you took out, that'll be

the end of the matter.

Would you mind saying all that again?

So you're going to bluff it out, are
you? Then you'll leave me no

Take it out.

Put it back? What on earth is he talking
about?

Oh, that!

Sergeant Major!

Captain Ashwood wants me to put it back.

Why, uh, I should, sir.

Oh, what on earth for?

I mean, finders as keepers.

As a matter of fact, I was going to use
that 500 rupees to give the men a party.

A party, sir?

Yes, why not?

After all, I mustn't keep that money to
myself.

Let's see what the men have to say. Get
them on parade, will you?

You're going to tell them, sir? Of
course. Get them on parade, will you?

I hope you know what you're doing, sir.

Jump right!

Go on, go on.

Captain Ashwood, what if it's a cleanish
revolver or something? I've never heard

anything like it.

Right, Captain, listen.

Now, last week, when I was on my way
back from GHQ, I found a parachute in

road, obviously left over from an
airlift.

Well, I sold that parachute to the head
man of Fung Yu Village.

Apparently, they use the silk for making
ladies... What's his name? That sort of

thing.

Anyway, he gave me 500 rupees for it.
And the point is, I'd like to use this

money to give you a party.

Do you agree?

Oh, fine. Well, that's all settled then.
Carry on, sir.

The colonel didn't pay the money after
all, then.

What did you say, Sugden?

Nothing, Sergeant Major. Yet you did out
with it.

We found out that you and Captain
Ashwood went through the Colonel's

last night.

Don't be cross, Sergeant Major.

I mean, we've all been very upset.

I mean, what with my lamps and the
missing money and everything.

I mean, these last 24 hours have been
sheer hell.

But now everything's all right.

Everything is not all right.

According to the account, the money is
still missing.

Perhaps I could be of some assistance,
Sergeant Major.

Take it away.

It's all quite simple. Captain Ashwood
made an entry of five rupees in the

column and added up 500 rupees instead.

That's why he thought the 495 rupees
were missing.

Give me that.

Well, that's nice.

Not so much as a thank you.

Colonel Reynolds, sir.

Yes, what is it?

There he is.

Arrest that man.

What on earth? Excuse me, sir. Not now,
Sergeant Major.

Arrest that man. Sir, would you mind
looking at these accounts? The accounts,

sir. What? The accounts. The accounts.

Sergeant, would you mind telling me what
on earth is going on?

Captain Ashford has made a very serious
charge against you, sir.

What sort of charge?

Well, sir.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh, I say, I am a fool.

I'm terribly afraid, Sergeant.

I've made a wrong mistake here. I mean,
I withdraw all the charges.

I don't know what to say, sir.

I'm most terribly sorry.

Can you ever forgive me?

You shopped me, Ashwood.

We were a good team, you and I, and you
went and shopped me.

Well, our friendship is over.

Things will never be the same again.

To think you could ever suspect me of
doing anything underhand.

All right, Sergeant, you can go. It's
all right.

That's a relief, sir.

I don't like doing this sort of thing.

We had to arrest a colonel only last
week, sir. Oh?

What for?

Selling parachutes to the Burmese.

What are you hot about? I mean, used
parachutes is no good?

Army property, Sergeant Major.

This colonel was selling them for 5 ,000
rupees each. I thought they were only

worth 500.

No, no, I just heard.

Don't you believe it, sir. There's a
hell of a lot of silk in them.

They'll stand for court -martial, of
course, sir.

Goodbye, sir.

Listen, chaps, the party is cancelled.

Ashwood, I've got to go over to Fun You
Village to see the head man.

I've got to buy a parachute.

I wonder if that chap will take a check.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

There's plenty of fun, so meet the gang,
cause the boys are here, the boys to

entertain you.

B -O -Y -S, boys to entertain you!