All language subtitles for it_ain_t_half_hot_mum_s06e06_holidays_at_home

Meet the gang, cause the boys are here,
the boys to entertain you.

With music and laughter to help you on
your way, to raving the rafters with a

hey, hey, hey.

With songs and sketches and jokes old
and new, without the vows, you won't

blue. So meet the gang, cause the boys
are here, the boys to entertain you.

B -O -B -O -Y -S, boys to entertain you.

Hope you're not taking too much luggage,
Ashford.

We've only got one jeep calling for us,
you know.

It's so difficult to decide what to
leave behind when you go on leave. Don't

find that? Yeah, just think.

Ten whole days away from this tinking,
steaming jungle.

What sort of things will we do at the
hill station?

I mean, is it like Matlock?

No, not really.

Oh, we'll wear civvies, of course.

Well, they do that in Matlock.

There'll probably be afternoon teas,
cocktail parties, maybe even a dance.

Do you think there'll be any girls?

Well, there better be. I'm not dancing
with you.

Oh, that reminds me. I haven't packed my
white dinner jacket.

I hope the sergeant major's not late
with his jeep.

He promised to be here at five.

And we're not due at the railhead till
about eight, are we?

I think the sergeant major's awfully
efficient and all that.

Hasn't it been nice not to have him for
a couple of days?

Oh, dear.

It's in a bit of a state, isn't it?

Needs a bit of a going over with the
iron, I think.

Not to mention a bucket of whitewash.

It's not funny, Ashford.

Punkawalla, do you think the Dobbywalla
could do something about this?

Give it to charity.

No!

Gloria, what did you do that for?

Because I'm bored. Bored, bored.

not done a show for two weeks.

None of you got any talent. And him,
him, he just sits there and never says a

word. That's good. It's not polite to
speak with him out.

Somebody's up.

Clean Toby is here for the picking up.
That's it. That is the most exciting

thing that's happened all day.

A loan bid's come back.

What time's the next tortoise race?

The 2 .30.

And Greta Garbo here is 2 to 1.

She was even money last time.

All right.

She's been noble, poor soul.

Somebody fed her a saucer of the
charwala's tea.

I haven't seen a woman for 108 days.

Six hours and 35 minutes.

Why don't you all read a book?

It's not the same, is it?

You know, I don't get on much with
books.

Well, they're difficult sometimes,
aren't they?

Well, unless they've got pictures like.

This one isn't difficult.

Mutiny on the Bounty.

A brutish and tyrannical master, a crew,
pressed into service from the gutters

of Deptford. You'd find it entirely
relevant to our situation with Old

Ah, didn't he come from nae Deptford
gutter petal? Come on, it's time for the

.30 tortoise race. Right, yeah.

Then we'd better get cleared up, or
Sergeant Major will do his nut.

He's not due back for another two and a
half hours.

I'm going to have a bit of a kip.

Mind the race course.

Right. Greta Garbo's two to one.

Betty Grable and Shirley Temple are even
money. Place your bets. Greta Garbo.

Betty Grable.

They're under starter's orders and
they're off.

Fuse asleep?

And this place is a shambles?

Get off the road! Move this car! Move
this car!

How are you?

Come on, come on, come on! Step on your
knees!

Go on, try and turn the noise! Go on,
try and turn the noise!

The sergeant made us back already.

I'm not half -backed.

Neither am I. Well, the jeep will just
have to wait, that's all.

That'll be Sergeant Major Williams, sir.

We weren't expecting you back for
another couple of hours at the earliest.

You'd better tell that driver to have a
cup of char.

Hang on a minute. What's he doing?

Where's he going?

What's he playing at? Don't worry. I
should expect you to be coming back.

You will not be coming back, sir. I'm
sorry to say.

There's a big push on. All movement has
been frozen.

Frozen? What do you mean, frozen?

We're going on leave.

That is not possible, sir.

Do you mean to say our leave has been
cancelled?

Not cancelled, sir. You just cannot go
on it, so to speak.

That's a beastly thing to do.

I was so looking forward to it.

Can't you do something, sir? I mean...

Can't you ring up HQ and tell them to
stick it? No, steady on it.

I'm sorry, sir. I'm just... I'm just...

That'll be all, sir.

I'm still... So...

I see what happens when I leave you for
just a few hours.

I'm going to Graham.

You look like an oldie man what's been
stood on his head for a week on

sandpaper.

Gunner Clark.

Sir. Do you know what you look like? No,
sir. You look like a cleaner in a Dago

knocking shop.

What do you look like? A cleaner in a
Dago knocking shop, sir.

And you look like the chucker out in a
Dago knocking shop.

And you, one of the customers.

from the back end of Cardiff.

And at Parkinson's, even you have not
shaved.

You of all people had to have taken bets
on it.

Why did you not make that good soldier
shave?

I front!

Oh, I see my mistake now. I have been
too soft with you. I have let my head

my heart. Oh, yes, I have mollycoddled
you, but that is all over now.

I is going to turn you into soldiers.
Now, when you get the order to fall

you will lay out your kits for
inspection and they better be 100 %

or else... Fire!

The man is in a disgusting state, so
with your permission, I shall give him

intensive course on soldiering and
discipline.

You can do what you like, Sergeant
Major. From now on, you're in complete

charge.

Captain Ashford and I have decided to
make the best of it and we're going to

take our leave here.

Sort of holidays at home.

As far as I am concerned, the army ends
here.

I'm going to have a screen put up and
anything on that side has nothing to do

with us at all.

You can ignore us.

We're just not here.

We're on leave, just as it would be up
in the hills.

That suits me a fair treat, sir, because
I shall have drill parades, arms

parades, PT parades, double guards,
double pickets, jungle training, live

exercises, and in ten days they will be
soldiers.

Very daft poof.

There's one other consternation, sir.

No one will see your green and white
dinner jacket.

My sweet little Alice, blue gown.

You want to watch... You want to watch
you don't get

sunburned, Ashford?

Well, I've got something to show for my
holidays.

Do you have any cell oil?

No, I'm sorry, I haven't.

Oh, I've got some solid brilliant in.

That'll do.

It's gone a bit sort of runny in the
heat.

And it's green.

Use nice bit of dripping.

Two days, you've got another eight to
go. Stand still.

Please, Sergeant Major.

May we have a drink of water?

No, you may not have a drink of water.

You're half a cup two hours ago.

You're making pity of yourselves.

I'm totally dehydrated, Sergeant Major.

Oh, totally depriving.

No, you're not.

You only think you is. What you need is
self -control and discipline.

I will teach you self -control and
discipline.

Jawada!

FPR to Jody Jody!

Now, you see the... It's chatty. It's
full of beer. Cool.

Sparkling water.

Thank you.

Now get back and sit by that stinking
dirty charoon.

Shut up.

Now watch this, boys.

Look at that.

Cool, clear.

Gurgling water.

Right. You will now show your self
-controlling discipline.

Stand still!

of that, wouldn't you?

Wouldn't you?

Something to cool your parched throats?

Oh, yes.

Just to wet those cracked lips that he's
not having any.

us off again.

Oh, yes.

You think... You think I am statistic?

Well, he was right. I am.

Son of one leg!

Son of one leg, go on!

Son of one leg!

Stand still.

Get them knees up suddenly under your
chin!

One five minutes, and then you will be
back on parade for PT. Move yourself!

Are

you

all right, love? Yes, I'm all right now.

I just felt all swimmy.

When we were running in the jungle, I
think a little insect bit me through my

sock.

You must have a hell of a digestion.

Did you ever see anything like that
exhibition? The man's totally deranged.

The next time he looks at my rifle, I'm
going to have one up the spout, and I'm

going to pull the trigger, and that's a
promise.

Shooting's too good for him.

He was burying up to his neck in an
ant's nest.

Is your own book, Sergeant Major?

I wouldn't help you.

You've been so beastly to us.

I'm going to kick sand in your face.

Calm down, calm down, calm down. Now,
legally speaking, chaps, Our only

is to speak to the officers.

They'll never listen. They'll stick
together.

Yeah, who'd do all the talking anyway?

Yeah, whoever does the talking will be
blamed for being a ringleader. Yes, but

if we all wrote a petition and then we
all signed it, then they'd have to take

notice of it. Well, come on, we must
die.

I'll go mad.

I'm sensitive to atmosphere, you know.

Sir, we respectfully beg... No, we
humbly beg. You have to be humble to

and you sign it.

Your humble servant.

All right. Sirs, we humbly beg to draw
your attention to the fact that... That

we are being maltreated and subjected to
inhuman suffering.

E .g., not allowing us to drink.

And doubling us to a knackered.

And doubling us beyond the point of
exhaustion.

Not that we have anything against
Sergeant Major Williams. But his

tantamount to megalomania.

And it is our opinion that his mental
balance is disturbed.

Right. Come on, then. We've all got a
sign. There you are. Then all we have to

do is to deliver it.

Oh, bags don't do that. Oh, that's all
right.

Lofty will do that, won't you, Lofty?
Why me?

Because you are little and you won't be
noticed.

I'm little this way, but I'm not little
that way.

Come on, Lofty. Sign it.

Right. There you are.

Now, it'll only take you a second. Off
you go. Here, Lofty.

Just wander over aimlessly as if you're
going for an afternoon stroll.

Then burn her in the jungle.

Get on with it.

Go on.

bunch of coconuts.

Big ones, small ones, some as big as
your head.

I'll give... Have you...

What are you doing?

I'm aimlessly going for an afternoon
stroll.

In Burma in the jungle?

What's on your hand?

It's a little note.

It's for the officers.

They're on leave.

No, they're not. They're sitting in.
They're still on the bums.

I will see they get it on their return.

Look, he's given him the note.

We'll all get hung.

How dare you send those two officers
without my permission?

Get up, parade!

Move aside, move aside!

I'm already waiting!

You should be there by now!

You'll probably need to move out!

Come on, time! Time and ice!

It's a petition, Sergeant Major.

Oh, it's a petition?

It was meant for the officers.

Then I will read it on their behalf.

We humbly beg.

Who is humble now, is we?

Inhuman suffering.

This is breaking my heart.

tantamount to megal... megal...

megaloneumonia.

And it is our opinion that his mental
balance is

disturbed.

Signed, Bombardier Beaumont, Canna
Graham.

What does this mean?

You've exceeded your authority.

Oh, dear.

How sad. Never mind.

You know what this is, don't you?

Mutiny.

You're that.

Mutiny.

Now, does anybody want to cross his name
off this bit of paper?

One last chance. Too late.

with mutineers on active service.

For a start, we can flog them.

We haven't flogged anyone in the British
Army for over a hundred years.

Well, it's time we started.

Now, this is what I think of your
petition.

And this is what we is going to do with
it. Other bit. Go on.

Megalopneumonia.

That must be you a bit.

Now, eat.

Go on, eat your own words.

Good quality paper.

on tag.

All right.

What's for dinner, Mohammed?

Soya links, sir.

Soya links sausages?

They're not fit for our cat.

We gave them to our cat.

Now we haven't got a cat.

Sorry, sir.

Sergeant Middleton said that's all you
can have for seven days.

Here, Lufty. What's that?

I don't know. I feel all shivery and
light -headed.

Oh, you don't look so clever from what I
can see of you, son.

Then Sergeant Major came and took our
lamps away.

He said one lamp's enough for mutineers.

He's in the advanced stages of acute
paranoia, just like Captain Bly, mutiny

the bounty.

I saw that film.

Charles Lawton, Clark Gable.

Yeah, but this is the real true story.

Do you know, he actually cut that water
ration so he could water his breadfruit

plant. You listen to this.

Things came to a head when we were 12
months out from home.

Tahiti lay 20 days to the east, and we
were on the northwest course, making

sluggish progress towards the perils of
the Endeavour Strait.

Bly was in a state bordering on
paranoia, suspecting that someone had

thieving from his pile of coconut.

He vented his spleen on officers and men
alike.

Mr. Christian, you've stolen me
coconuts.

I had a lovely bunch.

There were big ones, small ones, some as
big as your head. I never

laid a hand on your nuts, Captain.

You're a liar as well as a thief.

You call yourself Clark Gable, Mr.
Christian? You look more like...

There's no point in getting the mustard,
Captain. They ain't got nothing to put

it on.

What are you talking about, you cowardly
rascal?

They've had no rations.

They've had petitions, Mr. Christian.

I fed them meself.

Get mustard!

Despite his rank, Bly was a crude and
oafish fellow.

sensitive lieutenant, was clearly at the
end of his tether.

The fallen crew were a mismatched
assortment pressed into service from the

gutters of death. William Peckover,
gunner.

Matthew Quintle and Isaac Martin, seaman
desperate characters who had been

flogged by blind.

Charles Churchill and Will Mackay.

Bob Tinkler, powder monkey.

Muskrat and Skinner see faults from the
West Country.

Discontent was rife among the crew.

I'm fair fed up with a grub. That's for
grubs.

How about you, Powder Monkey?

I'm fed up with powdery monkeys.

If that man is insolent, give him two
dozen lashes.

Take him to the scuppers and tie him to
the rigging.

Convince the punishment, Mr. Christian.

Okay, let the dreaded cat out of the
bag.

Mr. Christian, that man has a fine pair
of shoulders. Tell him to hold them

back.

What's that sewer rat of a seaman doing?

I'll be testing the thongs, Captain.

And an outfit for our camp.

Lay on, Booster.

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

This isn't human punishment, Cannon.
That poor wretch's back is dripping with

dripping.

Then put some salt on it.

Couldn't I have a bit of chutney?

interested in this handsome white cargo.

My name is Guantanamo.

Bring that Tahitian maiden here, Mr.
Christian. She can help me to water me

breadfruit trees.

You shouldn't leave your breadfruit in
the sun.

It'll get toasted.

Look at that, my lovely boys. Cool,
clear, girdling water.

But the crew were dying of thirst,
Captain.

Is that so, Mr Christian? Oh, dear, how
sad. Never mind.

The crew were in an ugly mood.

In no time at all, mutiny was being
whispered.

The men were ripe for anything.

They surprised Captain Bly in his cabin.

What are you doing here?

That's right, what are you doing here?

Well, I came on deck to get a sighting.
That's right.

You knew you wasn't going to get one in
there.

You mountainous dogs. If you kill me,
you'll all hang.

We're not going to kill you. We're going
to cast you adrift.

Well, we break out the long boat, the
narrow boat, or the bum boat.

You sailors have boats for everything.

Break out the long boat.

Beautiful, clean long boat already, Mr.
Christian Saab, matey.

flog me and starve me and kill hold me,
but deep down he's got a good heart.

Will nobody else help me?

Awfully sorry, I'm on holiday.

So this is how you treat your old
captain, is it, my lovely boys?

You cast me adrift in an open dovey
basket 2 ,000 miles from land?

This is motory, Mr. Christian.

Motory!

Highest Yard Army, the Majesty's Navy!

There'll never be a star who's got no
talent.

I'm starving, starving.

I feel all giddy and swimmy.

You'll be swimming all right if we don't
sight land soon.

Give me some food.

It's no good.

Powder monkey, you'll have to go hungry.
We've just finished the last of our

petitions.

What are we going to do?

Well, we've still got each other, powder
monkey lad, so I'll tell you what I'll

do. I'll toss you to see who eats who.

as possible.

I hope that doctor arrives soon.

Here, fellow.

I think this is him now.

Now, just one more go, Suggner. I must
get this point. Now, get a grip on

yourself.

Sergeant Major, here's some iodine, if
that's any help.

Stop it, Mr. O 'Brien. He's putting
chutney on me.

Let's have a look at him.

That's a snake, all right. It's the
third today.

Pardon me to suck the poison out of it,
sir. Good. Just in time, Mother O 'Grit.

Right. My chaps will get him onto the
stretcher and we'll move him into the

field hospital.

You can walk, I suppose.

There's nothing wrong with me, sir. Oh,
you'll have to be admitted, I'm afraid.

You've had a deadly poison in your
mouth.

The slightest abrasion in the gums and
you could be for it.

They'll have to give you a few shots of
serum, hump you out a couple of times

and keep you under observation.

Well, not more than seven days at the
most.

But these men, I have to train them. I
only had two days. Not a chance,

Major. There could be serious
complications.

I'll try and let you have him back
somewhere about a week tomorrow.

I think we could resume our holiday,
Ashford.

You'll look after the men, won't you,
Baba dear?

Yes, sir. Don't let them get too slack.

Of course not, sir. Give them some sort
of training or something. And most

important, don't make too much noise,
will you?

I promise you won't hear a whisper from
us. Good show. Carry on, Mama dear.

Right, Jack. Back to you, child boy.

Yes, hey.

What time would you like the valley in
the morning?

Well, half past nine might be rather
civilised.

Let's say ten o 'clock, eh?

Hey,

hey, hey.

B -O -Y -S boys to entertain you!