All language subtitles for it_ain_t_half_hot_mum_s06e05_lead_kindly_light

Meet the gang cause the boys are here,
the boys to entertain you.

With music and laughter to help you on
your way, to raising the rafters with a

hey, hey, hey.

With songs and fetches and jokes old and
new, with us about you and Bill Blues.

Go meet the gang cause the boys are
here, the boys to entertain you.

B -O -B -O -Y -S, boys to entertain you.

in a glass of beer.

Sit in the chair.

Why, I've got plenty of furniture.

Don't do that. I've just swept up.

My lord, I protest.

The show's going well, Ashford. After
the first class, sir. What do you think,

Sergeant Major?

Heavier sticks.

Precisely, sir.

Excuse me. I'll just go and stretch my
legs.

Yes,

sir, I can.

I wonder what it is.

I see.

Sir.

What's that laughter, Sergeant Major?

Royal artillery concert party, sir. Give
me a show.

We will take a look.

How wonderful to think that in this
cruel, savage jungle there is the pure,

innocent laughter.

Of young men.

Good

heavens.

What a lot of powdery. Huh?

Good afternoon, sir. I'm Captain Rogers.

May I introduce the Reverend Burgess?

How do you do? How do you do? I'm the
senior army captain of the division, and

these are my qualities.

We are just on our way to G .H. Poole to
discuss the problem of the moral and

spiritual welfare of the fighting men.

I'm Colonel Reynolds. This is Captain
Ashwood. We run the counterparty. Oh,

thank you. It was the pure sound of
men's boyish laughter that made me

Is that young man whistling in a
monastery garden? Yes.

Your show has a very high moral tone.

I

say,

any girls in the show?

No, no, but some of the chap dress up as
girls.

What do they like?

Very good.

Ah, well, any port in a stormy.

Ah,

pity.

When the only sound in the empty street
is the heavy tread of the heavy

feet that belong to a lonesome club, I

open shop.

clean, honest... Good clean?

I've clean enough. Come, gentlemen.

Captain Rogers!

Captain Rogers!

Wait a minute. It's only a bit of fun.
Another word, sir.

Have I seen such deaths of lewd
depravity? It's not as bad as all that.

only assume that the heat has affected
your judgment, sir.

Those soldiers have wives and
sweethearts waiting for them at home,

subject them to this. You are an
architect of the devil's works. I mean

these chaps... You haven't heard the
last of this.

I must say, sir, I thought that Padre's
behaviour last night was rather narrow

-minded. Do you think he'll do anything
about it? No, no, no. It was just a

storm and a teacup, that's all. I'm much
more concerned about this other

business. Come on, we'd better break it
to the men.

Thank you, Mr Willingham. Stand up at
ease, will you?

I can't help it, Sergeant Major. I've
got prickly heat. I'm covered in little

bumps.

As far as I'm concerned, I can only use
one big little bump. Now, shut up!

Right, now, I expect you've already
heard that for the past two weeks,

concert party has been giving shows in
this area.

Now, they are called the Aria Limelight
Follies.

Excuse me, sir, but... Are they like us?

No, no, no. They're quite different,
you.

They're not, um...

They're not so broad.

Anyhow, GHQ have decided that two
concert parties is really too much, and

us will have to be disbanded.

Which one, sir? Well, that's up to them.

Now, the chief entertainment officer,
Captain DeWolf, is coming to see the

on the 13th.

But if he doesn't like it, what will
happen to us?

You'll go back to being real soldiers,
shut up!

Right, well, that's all, I think. Thank
you.

Retain!

What have we got to fear from a bunch of
real clean boys?

You're right, Gloria.

Nobody could equal your beauty as the
Roger, who is Ginger.

Ginger Rogers, you burk.

I bet that RAF show hasn't got a
professional artiste like me in it.

Now, I'm not worried.

I tell you, I am just not worried. Well,
you should be.

What did you say to him out like that
for?

I've seen the show.

You've seen the show? Why didn't you say
so? Well, I didn't want to depress you.

What's it like?

Very good.

What do you mean, very good? What I say,
very good, very professional.

Well, tell us about it, then. Well, they
start with the opening chorus. Yeah,

well, we start with the opening chorus.
Meet the gang. Well, they start with

this.

We're riding along on the crest of the
wave And the sun is in the sky

All horizon, distant horizon Look out
for passers -by

than meet the gang.

Yeah, but they harmonise and they're all
very good looking.

What, better looking than what I am?

They look terrific.

Handsome men are slightly sunburned.

They've got a bit twilliquish. Yeah, and
he's got two very good gimmicks. The

dummy drinks the glass of water.

Where does it go?

That's the other gimmick.

Gets a big laugh.

Do I have a... Piper tearing, Jack. Yes,
he's excellent.

Does he tear a pipe of dollars?

No, he tears a lace tablecloth.

Well, I could do that.

What, and bounce a chair on your chin at
the same time?

And all the time he's doing that, he's
singing, I cover the waterfront.

What's that got to do with it? Well, it
ties in with the dummy.

Have they got any singers?

Yes, two. A tenor and a baritone.

Can the tenor sing higher than me? Well,
in one sense, yes. He's six foot tall.

I'll bet.

haven't they got a strong man, Akbar?

Oh, yes, they have.

Well, I bet he doesn't tear telephone
directories in half like me. No, he

them in quarters.

Is he good? He's marvellous. He has two
tears.

One Indian, one China.

What's the leading lady like? Ah, no,
they haven't got one.

You mean they don't dress up as girls?
No, none of them. It's a very masculine

chair. Oh, that's it, then, isn't it?
And that's that trump card.

And when that entertainment officer
comes down to see our show, I shall do

my drag.

Dorothy Lemoore, Rita Hayworth, my
French tart number, the lot.

That RAF show's got nothing like me.

It certainly hasn't.

The whole show is done in exquisite
tape. Exquisite tape?

Of course, that would appeal to you,
wouldn't it? You bald -headed university

twit.

We should do all the tried and true.

Good, clean, honest, vulgar fun.

Not like those RAF blokes poncing about
all over the place going, oh, four,

four, four.

That's right, Gloria. We'll give them
all their razzmatazz.

All the strong stuff.

Like that trouser bit we put in last
night.

Oh, yes, Gloria, the trouser bits. It
went like a bomb. Yeah, it got great

yocks. Didn't you think so? I wasn't
looking.

You weren't looking?

It was where you were playing that
narcissus bit.

Oh, was it?

Yeah, well, play it again and this time
look.

Go on, show him, Knobby. Oh, no, Gloria,
I can't do it without the big trousers.

Use your own. Go on, you ready, Atlas?

Right, aye, ready. Now, this time,
watch.

This one's for you, Sergeant Major.
You've got to report to GHQ for your

on the 12th. No problem there, sir.

I've always been A1.

Oh, Lord, the chickens have come home to
roost. What chickens?

Well, it's from the Reverend Burgess.
We've got to clean up the show.

He's sent a list of do's and don'ts. Oh,
let's see.

He's coming to see the show on Friday
the 13th and see whether they've been

carried out.

Well, Captain DeWolf, the entertainment
officer's coming that night.

Well, if they cut all the torso bits
out, it's not going to help the show

much, is it? Well, if we get disbanded,
they'll find themselves posted to

fighting units.

That's true, sir.

Oh, well, I shouldn't worry about it,
sir. I mean, they should have enough

talent to get by without a lot of smut.
Well, I hope you're right.

I'll attend to that one, sir. Oh, right
you are. I was good at rooting out

filth.

I come from a long line of Methodists,
you know, sir.

Stop having these.

It's not time. It's not a night. It's
not time. It's not a night.

It's not easy.

Right. As you may know, or as you may
not know, a senior Harvey Chapman came

see the show last night and he thought
it was disgusting.

He thought the show was crude and
obscene.

And I agreed with him.

Sir Sergeant Major, those were the only
bits you laughed at. Shut up!

what he has sent of things you may not
do.

No dressing up as females in any shape
or form. But Sergeant Major, if I...

up!

No references to lower parts of the
anatomy.

Sergeant Major, what about the goose and
the long paw?

Out! Sergeant Major, what about the sore
between the legs bit?

Out! And the big balloons for the birth?

All out.

When that party comes on the 13th, you
will present a show which is both clean

and pure.

Friday the 13th.

But that's the day the entertainment
office is coming down from GHQ to see

show. Correct. Well done, clever boy.

If you take out all the broad bits and
there's nothing left and it's bound to

disband us, and then we'll get sent up
to the front.

Over here.

Outside.

You can put your shirt on, Sergeant
Major.

I'll take you in to see Major Lucemore,
the Chief Medical Officer.

Thank you, Sister.

So, you've had all your tests.

Let me see.

Eyes, chest, feet.

Oh, what happened here?

Couldn't you fill it up?

No, Sister.

I'm afraid I only did a little bit.

Why was that?

Well, my fountain pen ran out of ink.

You can fill the rest out later.

Sergeant Major Williams, sir. Thank you,
sister.

Sit down, Sergeant Major.

Sir.

Now, what are you serving at the moment?

Oh, well, sir, I've been in charge of
the Royal Artillery Concert Party, but

they're being disbanded in a few days,
so I shall be free for active duty.

I see.

as well.

How much do you smoke?

Well, ten, fifteen,

twenty days, sir. What if it's short of
wind?

Oh, I'll be all right when I get back on
active duty, sir.

Hmm.

A1 as usual, sir?

Oh, no question of that, I'm afraid.

C2.

Well, it's nothing specific.

Just a question of anno domini.

There's no Italian women around here,
sir.

What's going to happen to me, sir?

Well, you're an old soldier.

You can take it.

At best, it's a pen -pushing job in
Delhi or discharge.

You mean... Invalided out?

I'm afraid so.

What a pity they're disbanding their
concert party.

That's a job you could have carried on
doing.

I'll walk alone.

But to tell you the truth, I'll be lone.

Cheer up, glorious up. Have a nice cup
of cha on the house.

Thank you.

You're very kind.

Well, it's the end of the road, fellas.

Tomorrow, Friday the 13th.

It has one song.

We may still have a chance.

Not a hope. With all the guts taken out
of this show, that entertainment

officer's bound to disband us.

Oh, shut up, Spike.

She's really enjoying this.

Good evening,

lovely boys.

Good evening, sir.

Hello, Sergeant Major. How did you get
on?

A1 as usual, sir.

Good, sir.

If you don't mind, sir, I'll just say
goodnight to my boys.

Boys?

Do you want to move in?

No. Don't get up, lovely boys.

How about a goodnight cup of chow?

A chow?

Tea and cakes all round, I'll pay.

Well, then, lovely boys, as you know,
I've been for my medical today.

A1, as usual, of course. But coming
back, I got to thinking.

What about my boys in a concert party?

I mean, I was one of the lucky ones.

But they is artistes, not soldiers.

If they were sent up the front and
something happened, the world would be

of a great talent.

Do you really think we've got talent,
Sergeant Major?

What a shame it would be if the concert
party was disbanded.

But how can we stop it, Sergeant Major?

Ooh.

Well, now, lofty boy, it would be a
shame if that entertainment officer was

miss some good, clean, dirty jokes.

Do you mean we can put the show back as
it was?

Why not?

What about the Padre, Sergeant Major?

Yes, well, don't you worry about him
getting a parking. You just get on

boy, show them fine shoulders off.

There's a good chance that Reverend
Burgess won't be seeing that show.

He's here.

I ain't half nervous, Gloria.

What does he look like? Has he got a
kind face?

What's the matter with you lot? He's
only an entertainment doctor.

Right, but if he doesn't like the show,
that's the end of us.

Don't forget it's Friday the 13th.

Thank goodness we've put back the dirty
bat.

It's only on his vulgarity.

Perhaps it's the Padre Royce. Hey,
Mohamed.

Mohamed. Yes, sir, yes, sir. Listen, I
want you to go out that road. Here, you

see the Padre. I want you to let us
know, right?

The holy man. Yes, sir.

Blimey. I've forgotten what he looks
like.

He's got a dog collar.

Face like a dog? No, you bird. The
collar.

Yes, now I remember, sir.

Charwala. It's going to let us know
which is the part where you're right,

All things bright and beautiful All
creatures great and small

All things wise and wonderful Good
heavens!

Stop, diver! Stop! Stop!

My good man, are you all right?

Hallelujah!

I've seen the light.

I have seen.

The light.

Now you've arrived.

It's miraculous.

My eyes have seen the coming of the
Lord.

Oh, brother, sir.

You've no idea how glad I is to see you.
Please get up.

Don't I know you, Sergeant Ned? Yes,
sir.

I was ashamed to say I was in charge of
that filthy concert party.

Oh, yes.

Yes, I remember.

I must unburden my soul, sir. Must you?

Well, uh...

You'd better sit down.

They put

back all the father bits.

He likes it. He likes it.

It all started, sir, the day you came to
see that.

disgusting show.

I said to myself, this is wrong, wrong,
wrong.

I'd like to go back to the beginning,
sir.

When was that?

When I was six.

more, Sergeant Major?

Oh, yes, sir.

I've only reached the age of 18.

You see, my dear old ma 'am wanted me to
be a Methodist minister.

I ain't had no love since January,
February, June.

I say, how dare you interrupt our song?
I've got my living to earn.

Rubber balloons!

Rubber balloons!

Rubber balloons! Can you leave the
stage?

Rubber balloons!

Rubber balloons!

Rubber balloons! What a cheek, if you
please, Professor.

Oh dear,

she's faking. What shall we do?

Rub her feet.

That's no good.

Rub her arm.

That's no good. Rub her neck.

That's no good.

What shall we do?

He's aged 25.

How old are you now?

42.

I haven't got any more time.

I've got to see the show. It must be
nearly over by now. Oh, don't worry

that, sir. I've cleaned it up, he says.
Pure as a driven snow.

Thank you. I'd like to see for myself.
Oh,

you've got to listen to me.

I haven't told you what happened when I
was 25.

He's got worse.

I started.

A much better show.

Oh. But they are a bit precious.

Your show is robust, full of honest
vulgarity, and that's what the chaps

So you won't be disbanded.

That is good news, isn't it, Ashford?

It's wonderful.

Very pleased, sir.

I thought you weren't too keen on the
concert party, Sergeant Major.

Shall we just say, sir, I've seen the
light?

Yes, Sergeant Major. I forgot to tell
you. I've made arrangements for you to

attend religious instruction three times
a week.

Hey, hey, hey.

B -O -Y -S Boys to entertain you