All language subtitles for it_ain_t_half_hot_mum_s06e03_the_great_payroll_snatch

Meet the gang cause the boys are here,
the boys to entertain you.

With music and laughter to help you on
your way to raising the rafters with a

hey, hey, hey.

With thongs and fetches and jokes on and
you. With us about you and Phil Blue.

So meet the gang cause the boys are
here, the boys to entertain you.

B -O -B -O -Y -S, boys to entertain you.

Now, listen, fellas, listen, pay
attention. I want to put this number in

show tomorrow night, so please, let us
get it right.

Are you ready, Lofty? Yes, Gloria.

And Paderewski, Paderewski, please do
not make it sound like a dirge.

I beg your pardon?

My playing is never like a dirge. Oh,
you see this?

You're getting very dirgy lately.

When you played my solo last night,
Maisie Dotes and Dozie Dotes, you made

sound like a funeral march.

Haven't you got any feel for the music?

For Maisie Dotes and Dozie Dotes?

Not a lot, no.

You're sophisticated.

I am too naive.

Well, let's play the game that way, if
that's what you believe.

Nasty! What have you got in your hand?

A mango.

A mango? For your information, this
number is called an apple for the

Mohammed! Yes, sir? Where's the apple?

I'm using my initiative, sir. No apples
in the jungle.

I don't believe you.

Hey, Gloria, if we haven't got an apple,
why don't we use something we have got?

How about a yam?

Don't be silly.

A yam does not scan.

Hey, Gloria, we could make it scan.
Listen.

A yam for the teacher.

How about a sweet potato for the
teacher?

Listen. A aubergine for the teacher.

Stop, stop, stop. You're driving me mad.

Haven't any of you got any ears? for
music at all.

I've got a tin of page in my kid bag.

What's that got to do with it? Well, I
wouldn't mind a tin of page if I were a

teacher. Good grub.

Why'd they have to do everything dressed
up as tarts, sir?

It's a terrible thing for a professional
soldier like me to be in charge of this

bunch of poofs.

I wake up every morning thinking, men,
give me real men.

I wake up thinking, women, give me real
women.

Beg your pardon, sir?

Sorry about that, Sergeant Major. Just
sort of slipped out.

I didn't mean that sort of woman for
that sort of thing, you know.

Of course not, sir.

I mean, to see an English lady again, to
hear an English lady's voice, to see a

slim white English lady's hand on a
teapot pouring tea.

Hang it all. Why should I apologise?

I'm not made of stone.

Yes, I did mean that sort of woman,
Paul. That sort of thing.

Oh, uh, don't say anything to the
colonel about this, Sergeant Major.

Don't worry, sir.

Rely on me.

Come to par, dear tan!

Thank you for the escort. I shall be all
right now. I've got plenty of men to

guard me.

Morning, sir!

Morning, Sergeant Major.

Why did the GHQ send you back with an
escort, sir?

Because... I've got 50 ,000 rupees in
this case. 50 ,000 rupees?

They want the men to know about it.

What's it for, sir?

It's a battalion coming back from the
front in a couple of days' time.

And this is the most convenient spot for
the paymaster to pick up the money.

So GHQ have asked us to look after it.

But... Army payroll's a job for real
soldiers, sir, not this shower.

Perfectly seen.

Nobody knows it's here.

Ah, but don't forget their awful fellow
me -fants coming to see us today. I bet

he'd like to get his hands on it, sir. I
don't know why the authorities keep

paying him not to make trouble for us.

Well, it's government policy.

He's supposed to be helping us with the
war effort.

Near as he gets to that, sir, sell our
troop dirty books.

He's nothing but a common bandit, a
dreadful spiv.

He's no principled at all.

If he had a principled, he wouldn't be a
bandit, Ashford.

He's calling himself pretty boy, me fat.
I mean, with all those dreadful gold

teeth, that awful dried -up skin.

Well, he's some mother's son, you know.
I very much doubt it. He's so, so shifty

-eyed, you've no idea what he's
thinking.

I quite agree, sir.

Shifty -eyed and inscrutable.

Your face also be inscrutable if removed
from body.

Turn up again!

Parkins? You're supposed to be on guard.
Why did you let him in? He didn't come

through this way, sir.

Oh, you can't believe you've got a
Parkins, sir.

Very alert, soldier.

This fella come in peace.

Why are you so warlike?

Where are the rest of your men?

Outside. We call them in, huh? All
right. Tell them to leave their rifles

outside. Okay.

come to talk business.

Why tea not ready?

I beg your pardon?

Me come at four o 'clock for English
tea.

Oh, all right. Come and sit down.

Sir, I don't trust him, sir. He's up to
something.

I don't know. We've got to humor him,
sir. Order the tea.

Jawala, hit her out.

Yes, sir. This fellow not want that
muck. Want proper English tea.

Well, I'm afraid that's a bit difficult.

This fellow want English tea with...
Cucumber sandwiches on lawn with click

croquet balls in background.

I'm afraid we haven't got any cucumber
sandwiches and we haven't got a lawn.

What about croquet balls?

Haven't got any of those either. Oh,
sorry.

Okay. We talk business, huh?

Tonight, when moon high, we pass by here
with two loaded mules. You look other

way. Why?

Then you'll not see us.

I give you ten gold tickles.

I thought he was up to something, sir.

Smuggling opium, I shouldn't wonder.

Not opium.

Rhinoceros horns.

What for?

Oh, well, they grind up the powder, sir,
and makes what they call an African

disiac.

What on earth's that?

I don't know, sir.

Sort of powder, sir, that makes you want
to, uh...

Now look here, me, um, me, uh... You can
call me Pretty Boy.

Now look here, um, Pretty Boy.

You've no business to kill rhinoceroses,
this is.

Rhinoceri, sir. Oh, be quiet, Ashwood.

You've no business to kill them. They're
a very rare animal.

Oh, me no kill them, just catch them and
saw off haunts.

Doesn't that hurt them?

No, just make eyes water.

Look here, I'm fed up with this.

How dare you try and drag me with gold?

You not want gold?

Okay. I give you rhinoceros powder.

Oh, that no good. You no got gold.

Okay, I give you girls. One each.

You unspeakable swine. Yes.

Get! Now, come on, move yourself, move
yourself.

And don't try anything.

You old bendy men, like corkscrews.

means we're a bit, well, a bit like
that.

You call yourself Big Ward, Chief, but
you're not correct up here. Make

belong, you dress as schoolgirls. You're
not manly.

Me?

Rip, pillage, steal.

But not make men belong, me dress as
schoolgirls.

You. Steady, Sergeant.

He's just called me a puffer.

I thought I was not.

I'm just as much of a man as you are,
boyo.

Okay, you prove it. Any time, any time.

Steady on, Sergeant Major.

I'm not hanging away with this, sir.

Tomorrow I come and we prove who is
number one manly, you or me.

Right. Careful, Sergeant Major. You
don't know what you're letting yourself

for. My honor is at stake, sir.

We do Chao Yong tests of manhood. Right.

Okay, we go.

He has done the Chao Yang tips of
manhood. What happened?

What are these tips?

Tip number one, eat giant pepper from
Bangyo

plant. Very hot.

Now don't worry me, sir.

Anything he can eat, I can eat.

What's the second test?

I

don't

understand that at all. I'm not going to
let you do it.

I'm sorry, sir, but you cannot stop me.

A man has got to do what a man has got
to do.

And Scotland, not forgetting Wales. Poor
old Shaka.

He's really laid himself on the line for
us, you know.

What do you mean?

Look, if he thinks he's got to prove his
manhood, that's his problem.

No, Park, he's right, Gloria. If we
hadn't all been dressed up as

well, all this wouldn't have happened.

Look, that's show business, sweetheart.

I mean, we had to dress up as
schoolgirls for the number. I mean,

important than that?

There are other things in life.

After all, being dressed as girls all
the time, it is exactly normal.

Look, I'm just as much a man as you are,
sweetheart.

I just happen to be a very temperamental
artiste.

I mean, you're not normal, the way you
keep gazing in the mirror all day long,

saying how good -looking you are.

Well, I am good -looking.

You're not normal good -looking.

You've got a face like a puppet.

And you're not normal, Nobby, either.

I beg your pardon, I am.

Then why do you keep stuck in the corner
of your blanket while you're asleep?

I can't help that.

I was a bottle -fed baby.

Just you try telling me I'm not normal,
Petal, and you'll get this.

Well, I mean, who wants to be normal,
eh?

I mean, normal's for ordinary people.

I mean, you can't be normal if you're in
show business.

Oh, Gloria, you don't know what it means
for me to hear you say that.

All my life, people have looked down on
me and laughed.

But now, here with you, I realise that
I'm not normal.

And I don't mind.

Because I'm an artist.

When I'm on that stage singing, I'm a
giant. If you've got that, who wants to

normal? Exactly, who wants to be normal?

I mean, you can't be normal if you're an
artist.

Well, I certainly wouldn't want to be
normal.

Music and the arts is my life. Yeah, and
whistling's my life.

And do my big dolly act. That's my life.

Ah, well, if you put it like that, I
don't want to be normal either.

Because bending iron bars and tearing
telephone directories and stuff like

that's my life.

Well,

I'm normal.

And what's more, I'm going to stay
normal. And I'm not giving in.

Ah, hello, Mohammed.

What have you got there?

Pass up.

It is the hot pepper from the Bungyo
plant that the Sergeant Major has to eat

tomorrow. Doesn't look very hot to me.

Seize a wee bit.

Sir, be very careful.

Look, if it's too hot, I can always spit
it out again, eh?

It's not hot at all.

Are you sure that's from the Bungyo
plant?

Yes, sir.

But it's not having any effect on me.

What's Bung Yeo mean in English?

Dime bomb.

Up, up.

I got you,

sir.

My honour, as a warrant officer, class
two is at stake.

Perhaps we ought to warn the sergeant
major that the Bung Yeo pepper has a

somewhat delayed effect.

Why should we?

He's had it coming to him for a long
time.

I'm ready.

Okay.

We

stand

back to back.

When he drop handkerchief, take five
paces, turn and eat.

You count.

All right.

Sergeant Major.

Pleasure.

One, two, three, four.

Thank you all, Monsieur.

How are you feeling, Sergeant Major?

I'm all right, sir.

I give you five minutes

start, then I track you. First one to
score a hit wins.

He's already won the first test.

That not count if he lose second one.

Get ready. Chop, chop.

He makes the rules up as he goes along,
sir.

He let Sergeant Major win the first
test.

He'd give himself the advantage.

The fiendish, cunning, oriental swine.

Excuse me, sir, but a thought has just
occurred to me.

Who thought it just occurred to me?

How dare you butt in, Mr. Lardy? I'll go
to Graham.

No, no, no. What is it?

Well, once they get the Sergeant Major
out there in the jungle alone, sir, how

do we know he'll be safe?

That's the point.

Why do we get them to put a deposit on
the Sergeant Major?

He's not a jam jar, Ashwood.

guarantee, have we, that Sergeant Major
will be safe out there alone?

I give you my word. That's not good
enough. We need something more than

Okay. I give you a hundred gold tickles.
Right. And we'll return this as soon as

the Sergeant Major gets back safely, all
right?

Are you ready, Sergeant Major?

Sure. Right.

Well, off you go, and good luck.

I talk to you again.

That's my business.

Call yourself a man?

Not care.

Test, just excuse to get you away from
village.

Who for?

You, only real soldier there.

With you out of village, we steal
payroll easy.

This fellow pretty boy, damn smart, eh?

How do you know about the payroll?

Me know everything that go on in this
neck of woods.

Okay, tie him up.

What are you doing here?

I followed you, Sergeant Major. I don't
trust these bandits.

You don't trust us, eh? But we trust
you. Up! Very tight!

Good afternoon.

Have a lovely day.

I see, sir.

I'm getting rather worried about the
Sergeant Major.

Do you think we ought to send out a
search party?

We can't leave the payroll unguarded.

Don't worry. No harm can come to the
Sergeant Major as long as we've got

Gables!

Stoons! That bandit must have switched
them when he tumbled into me.

Swine! Calm down, Ashford. Calm down.

All we can do is wait.

Let's have some tea.

A child alone?

Yes, Colonel, stop. Two teas?

Give everybody tea. I'll pay.

You can stop.

No need to worry about Sergeant Major.
He knows how to take care of himself.

As soon as it gets dark, we take
payroll.

You don't think they're going to let you
walk in and help yourself, do you?

Sure. They not give us any trouble. We
fix.

You can't leave us here like this.

We set you free tomorrow after we get
payroll.

That ends if tigers not eat you before
then.

Okay, we go. Chop, chop.

I don't want to be eaten by the tigers.

Shut up, will you? I'm trying to think.

You can't stand up all night like this.

Will you shut up?

You're very ungrateful, Sergeant Major.
I followed you to help you.

You're not helping me now, are you? So
shut up.

You must get back and warn the Colonel.

The first thing we've got to do is get
this pole out.

Hey, push it towards that tree.

All right? Right. Now, right. Left!

Right! Left! We're not moving.

You're going the wrong way, Sergeant.

Which is the right way?

Left.

How am I going left?

left, not your left thick head.

I don't understand.

My left is your right and vice versa.

Which way is that?

That's three.

Right.

Side. Together.

Side. Together.

Easy, easy.

Right.

Wait a minute.

Right. Slide.

Careful, careful.

Slowly, slowly.

The last little bit won't come out.

Thank you, Baden -Poe.

Hey, we'll wet it in that tree and break
it off. Oh.

Steady. Right.

Slowly.

Side together.

Side together.

Watch it.

All right.

Steady, steady.

Right.

Now then. Wait, wait.

Now we're going to break it off, all
right? Yes.

Walk forward.

Go on. Go on. Good boy.

I can't keep it up. Go on. Move
yourself. He's coming. He's coming.

Don't take such big steps. My legs are
shorter than yours.

Tie it together.

Tie it together.

Tie it together.

Tie it together.

Tie it together. Tie it together. Tie it
together.

Tie it together. Tie it together.

Tie it together. Tie it together. Come
on, come on, come on.

Move it, move it. Come on. Tie it
together. Tie it together. Tie it

Shut up. Get a knife and cut these ropes
quick. Move it now. All right.

We've got no time.

Okay, I'll cut this one.

Where is everybody?

Well, I'm afraid they're all in bed,
Sergeant Major. All in bed? There's

to be a tug by bandits any minute. Get
them up. Well, actually, they've gone a

bit queer.

That's what I knew you were about to
ask.

No, no, no, no, no. Sort of infantile.

What do you mean infantile? Get them up!

Get them up! Get them up! Get them up!

Be quiet, you'll wake up my titty.

They've come to steal the payroll.

You're just trying to frighten me. Go
away.

Do you know what I said, sir? The
bandits is after the payroll.

My nanny told me not to talk to you.

You're common.

That explains it.

What? They've been like this ever since
they drank the tea, Sergeant Major. I

didn't have any.

Get on parade!

Get on parade! Move yourself!

Sergeant Major, you don't understand.

The bandits must have put... something
in the charron that's made some sort of

drug that's made them all sort of
childish and apathetic. What do you mean

apathetic?

What's new?

Get out you and bring your rifles!

It's no use, Sergeant Major. The drunk
has given them diminished

Distinguished responsibility? All right,
son.

I'll soon kill her. Hey, come on! Get
up!

Shut up.

Now, wait till he gets through the gate.
When I give the order, fire.

Not very good odds, Sergeant Major. Oh,
shut up.

What's going on?

Well, we thought it was bandits.

No.

I'm Major Webster.

These are my Burmese scouts.

Are you the scoutmaster?

Shut up.

I dress like this to blend in with my
men.

Well, thank God you've come, sir. We was
expecting an attack by bandits.

Actually, I don't think they'll be
coming.

We caught them all a short while ago.

What do you do with them, sir? Tied them
up, Burmese fashion.

You want to buy rhinoceros horn?

Bargain price!

B -O -Y -S boys to entertain you!