All language subtitles for it_ain_t_half_hot_mum_s06e01_the_stars_look_down

Meet the gang cause the boys are here.
The boys to entertain you.

With music and laughter to help you on
your way. To raising the rafters with a

hey, hey, hey.

With thump and catch it and jokes on and
you.

With a thump, you must feel blue. So
meet the gang cause the boys are here.

boys to entertain you.

B -O -B -O -Y -S.

Boys to entertain you.

Didn't you see the idea, was it, to do a
show for the Gurkhas, sir?

My, Ashford.

Johnny Gurkha needs cheering up just the
same as our chaps.

This respect, sir, doesn't seem to be
working.

They don't speak English.

Gunner Macintosh is all mixed.

They won't understand a word he says.

I shouldn't let that worry you. I can
never understand a word he says either.

The cock of the North is awfully good,
sir.

If they don't understand his jokes,
what's the point of it?

Don't worry, sir. I've had a word with
Bobbity a moment.

He's made arrangements so all the
Gurkhas will see Macintosh's cock in the

north.

The cock of the north. Ha ha.

Ha ha.

Two Scotsmen. Two

Scotsmen bet each other a quid to see
who could stay underwater the longest.

The police are still looking for the
bodies.

Those Scotsmen. Those Scotsmen.

Sandy, my pal Sandy, he went on this
long sea trip, and he said to the

he said, Captain, how can I stop from
being seasick? And the captain said,

just put a sixpence between your teeth.

Sandy, Sandy went to the sea, and he
said, Hey, Captain, how can I keep my

health well from the sea? So he said,
keep your teeth sixpence.

Does that mean he took his parents out
of the school because they had to pay

attention? Sandy. Sandy.

Pay attention.

Oh, hi, the new.

Oh, hi.

Oh, hi, the new.

Oh, hi.

Listen to that.

It's like Amazonite and Dixie.

Oh, it's a travesty. A travesty. Oh,
Gloria, sir. You should have let me do

translating.

Damn native Ramzan. Has no sense of
humour.

I ain't half nervous, Gloria.

Them gurglers look vicious.

Well, let's just hope they like the
little girl number, eh?

Right. Now, let's have a look at you.

Pretty dummy, then.

Nice puppy.

I must protest, Gloria.

What about?

Because in my face of this thing, it
hides my personality. And my personality

important. If I put this in my mouth,
I'm all dummy. Look.

I've got an appointment at the GHQ.
Carry on, will you?

So?

What a damn shame.

He'll miss the little girl number.

I see.

He looks rather sweet.

My searching days were through.

It comes up my mind that you would soon
know why.

That's when I started telling you.

Little girl, you're the one for me.
Little girl, you're as sweet as

can be. Just a glance at you and love.

Into my heart, little girl, with your
cute little ways, I am yours for

the rest of my days.

Oh, jeez, Sergeant Major. These Gurkha
chappies' faces are inscrutable.

I wonder what they're thinking.

Probably same as what I'm thinking, sir.
What a load of poofs.

Little boy, you're as sweet as can be.
Just a glance and you make love from the

start.

You know, sir, these gherkins are the
finest soldiers in the world.

They'll face up to anything.

They're not afraid of anybody.

And they'll fight to the last man.

I think the concert party has finally
broken.

The newsletter's just arrived, chaps.
The only news I want to hear is that

all going home.

Ah, let's see.

A few martial scrims says we've got the
Japs on the run.

They must have been giving them some of
their tin stew.

Used to have me on the run for two days.

Hey, listen to this, chaps.

Shows at the front by our theatre
critic.

Our what? The theatre critic in an army
newspaper.

Last night I saw the Royal Artillery
Concert Party. Without a doubt, the star

the show is Gunnar Lofty Thugden. What a
wonderful voice.

You hear that, I must say.

Well, what is this about me? Wait a
minute, wait a minute.

Gunner Graham is a brilliant pianist.
This boy can certainly tickle the

Well, what is this about me?

I was very impressed by Gunner
McIntosh's strongman act.

Gunner Clark's whistling was a treat.

Gunner Parkin's vent act was superb. I
never saw his lips move once.

And Gunner Evans is... Paper tearing was
certainly something to see.

Well, go on, go on.

The costumes and scenery were excellent,
and during the interval I was served a

very good cup of tea by the counterparty
charwalder.

Bombardier Beaumont also appeared in the
show.

Also appeared in the show?

Bombardier Beaumont?

Morning, sir.

Do you know what time Colonel Reynolds
will be back from GHQ, sir?

I've no idea.

He should have let me know he wasn't
coming home last night, Trudeau. It's

bad. I waited out for him till one o
'clock in the morning.

But he could have phoned.

There's no phone boxes in the jungle,
sir.

That's probably him now.

Oh, thank goodness.

Don't tell him I was upset, Sergeant
Major.

Of course not, sir.

Who is I to come between colonel and
captain?

Voyager!

Sergeant Major, I've called the men in.
I want to talk to them. Stop right

there! Come on,

come on, come on!

What happened to you last night, sir? I
was getting rather worried.

Don't fuss, Ashwood.

Where were you?

Well, if you must know, I was having a
few drinks with the chaps at GHQ.

A few drinks with the chaps?

Yes, what's wrong with that?

After all, I don't get out much, you
know.

Dwight Howe!

Thank you, Mr Willings. Stand that ice!

All right, stand easy, chaps.

Now, yesterday I met a Colonel Saul
Zimmerman, and he's in charge of an

film unit in this area.

and GHQ want us to help him out. Does
that mean we're all going to be film

stars, sir? Shut up! How dare you talk
on pride?

He's making a short propaganda film for
American cinemas, and it's about the

relief of Fung Ho Village by American
troops and the dramatic moment when they

raise the stars and stripes over it.

Excuse me, sir.

Well, I've been out here since the war
started. The only yanks I've ever seen

half a dozen sloppy animals with their
hands in their pockets.

They couldn't raise many flags with
their hands in their pockets, huh?

Yes, well, it's an order, and I'm afraid
we've got to do it.

Right. Now, the film is called Private
Washington Goes to War.

It's the story of an everyday G .I. Joe,
a hick farmer... How do you draw hicks?

Hick means simple.

Like you, Sugden. Shut up!

A hick farmer who puts down his plough
and picks up his gun for Uncle Sam.

Cut off from his unit and alone in the
jungle, he wages a single -handed war

against the Nippon.

Now, in this film, we shall all be
acting the parts of British soldiers.

Oh, and they need an Indian.

You don't mind being an Indian, do you?

Oh, no, sir.

Every morning I wake up and I say to
myself, I don't mind being an Indian.

That's the part of an Indian thickhead.

I will do it with feather, sir.

Shutter! Right, sir, that's all, I
think. Watch out!

Face, face!

I have heard of this Colonel called
Zimmerman. In peacetime, he's a famous

Hollywood producer.

Cowboy and Indian pictures. Are you
sure?

Yes, indeed, sir.

I have seen all his films.

Ambush at Death Gulch, Wrestlers of
Yellow Gulch, and Duel in Dry Bones

That's rather a lot of gulches.

Perhaps he suffers from indigestion.

I remember now. I've seen his name on
lots of westerns.

A Hollywood film producer.

Oh, he should have spot me and given me
a contract.

Then after the war, it would be
California.

Here I come.

California, here I come.

Okay, now hear this.

My name is Saul Zimmerman.

Maybe you heard of me.

I make movies.

Okay, let's go to work.

It's all magic, just as I imagined it.

Hey, Chuck, come over here a minute,
will you?

Now, this is Chuck. He is Private
Washington.

He embodies the spirit of the true
American GI.

guts, grit, manliness.

He's got out single -handed ten Jap
pillboxes, and he has just captured 500

Japanese soldiers.

What's he done with them?

What's he done with the 500 Japanese
soldiers he's just captured?

Well, he's tied them up in Boy Scout
knots.

Any more stupid questions, wise guy?

Only us.

Okay, bring out the Indian, huh?

What the hell is this?

I'm Indian.

Listen, you goddamn stupid limey native.
I don't want no red Indian.

Oh, I play any Indian. Red, white, or
blue. Sam, I want a lot.

I'm jelly dude. Listen, a white man
speak with four tongues. Get off.

Long lives come, all buffalo go.

Do you want a jelly cup of chapa? Look,
will you get out of here for crying out

loud?

Hey.

Are you an Indian?

Yes, sir.

Only in the mating season.

Okay, cut.

Hey, Sam.

Yes, Mr. Zimmerman. We'll do the scene
where Private Washington meets the

British patrol.

Yes, Mr. Zimmerman.

Doing okay, Chuck?

Yep. That's my boy.

Here, Parkey.

He's ever so good -looking.

Not as good -looking as what I am.

And his teeth are capped.

Sergeant.

Sir.

I am a battery, Sergeant Major.

Oh, that's great. That means we don't
have to wind you up, huh?

Yeah, that's pretty good, huh, Sam?

Yes, Mr.

Zimmerman.

I'm not going to use you in this shot,
Sarge.

I'm going to save you for the big scene
later, huh?

Hey, Sam.

Yes, Mr. Zimmerman. I don't like this
stupid -looking hat. Let's get him

one, huh?

I only have an officer's hat.

So make him an officer. Move it.

I'm not going to make sudden an officer,
sir.

I don't mind being an officer. Shut up.

It's any film.

See, they've made him a general, sir.

I don't mind being a general. Shut up.
No one will notice, Sergeant Major.

They're only showing it in America.

Oh, right. But me auntie in Cleethocks
won't be able to see it.

If you don't shut up, I'm going to stick
you on a charge.

Hey, there's not enough sweat on them.
What's sweating like pegs, sir?

Look, I make the decisions around here.
I don't need any goddamn Polack to tell

me how to make movies.

Well, I'm not a Polack. I'm a Scot.

So where's your kilt?

I've only got one.

Now, give me that bowl.

Scotchmen wear kilts. Now, you're a
Polack, so get back in line, mister.

Here, Noppy. What's a Polack?

I don't know. It's something they use in
an abattoir.

What's that?

A French tart's bedroom?

Slaughterhouse.

Sam. Yes?

Wipe off the real sweat and put on
artificial sweat.

Yes, Mr. Zimmerman.

Okay. Now, in this scene, Private
Washington meets you, a British patrol.

He's advancing.

You're retreating.

You're defeated.

Demoralized. Beaten.

Have I got any lines, Mr. Zimmerman? I'm
very good at being demoralized, beaten,

and wretched.

Disgusting, sir.

Put yourself together, bombardier. Have
you got any pride?

But this is my big chance, Sergeant
Major. This scene is me to a T. I can be

real coward. I can cry real tears. Look.

I can't stand it.

Shut up.

Get this fairy out of my hair, all
right?

Okay, now, let's rehearse.

You're defeated.

Demoralize. This is a green Dunkirk.

What's he mean, a green Dunkirk, sir?

More like a yellow Dunkirk, if you ask
me. Sir, this is an insult to the

Army. You cannot allow it. It is a bit
much, sir.

We must preserve Anglo -American
relations.

Don't worry, if necessary, I can have
the whole thing stopped.

Oh, look here, I'm not putting up with
this. I'm going to speak to Colonel

Zimmerman. I shouldn't if I was you.

He looks ever so cross.

I don't care. This film is an insult to
our intelligence.

Excuse me, sir. Why, is all this
strictly necessary?

Are you a communist?

I beg your pardon? Well, I asked you a
simple question, mister. Are you a

communist? Well, not really, no.

Ah, don't give me that ball. You're one
of those weirdo intellectual pinkos.

Hey, colonel, what kind of a cotton
-picking outfit are you running here?

I beg your pardon?

Well, it's full of pansies and commies.

They're just a bit artistic, that's all.

Keep in line, huh?

Hey, Sam.

Yes, Mr. Zimmerman. Eyeglasses for the
officers. Yes, Mr.

Zimmerman.

British officers don't all wear
monocles, sir. Well, they do for

audiences. Now, put them in your eyes.

Rehearsal. Rehearsal.

And you're staggering along.

And you see Private Washington.

Hey, Chuck, you know all your lines?

Yep. That's a boy.

And you say, Thank God you've arrived.
And he says, Yep.

And you say, By Joe, are you taking
over? And he says, Yep. And you say,

show. And then you say, Hey, do you hear
that, chap? He's taking over.

Then you all cheer.

Then you say, If I had ten men like you,
I could drive the nips from here to

Tokyo Bay.

And he says... Yep. You say, good luck.
And then, uh... No, no, no, no. You say,

toodle -pep old fruit.

No one in England says toodle -pep old
fruit.

Well, they do for American audiences.

Okay, rehearsal.

Thank God you've arrived.

Yep. Why, Joe, were you taking over?

Yep. Good show.

You know that chap? She's taking over.

If I had ten men like you, I'd drive the
nips from here to... Tokyo

Bay. Tokyo Bay.

Yep. Good luck.

Toodle -pip all through.

That's great.

Sam, I... Wrong.

Okay, now in this scene, you're all
Japanese soldiers.

Don't let me lie, Mr. Zimmerman. I do a
very good Japanese.

Look.

That fairy out of my hair, huh?

Yes, Mr. Zimmerman.

Okay, put on your glasses.

The whole thing is completely unreal.

No one with any intelligence is going to
believe that the entire Japanese army

has defective eyesight and butt teeth.

Well, they do for American audiences.

Now get back in line, you commie
troublemaker.

Okay. Private Washington is asleep on
the ground.

He is unarmed.

Now you sneak up on him. He opens one
eye. He leaps to his feet and zap, pow,

zowie. He lets you have it.

Rehearsal. Rehearsal.

Okay.

That's terrific.

The one bullet goes through you all.
Stand by.

And... Action!

Gun hole!

You guys are strikers.

You don't see the net.

You step on it and zap. Pow! Zowie!
Private Washington pulls and up you go.

Could I be in this, please? I can play a
man who can't...

the whole kitlayer at what I've ever
done.

Yeah, mine took me two hours.

And mine as well.

Come on, move yourselves, you goddamn
charpoys, Frank.

This is supposed to be a British
outpost. I watch it. Stop, stop, stop.

Stop, Major. Stop.

As soon as Colonel Zimmermann arrives,
we'll be doing the scene with you.

sir. Don't forget, we're a British unit
that's been holding out for days. If you

don't mind, sir, I'd use my own
initiative on this one.

I think, sir, we've been made to look
fools for long enough.

Can I just show you what I got in mind,
sir? Of course, Sergeant Major.

Change post!

Right. Now then, we... He's not going to
give in, is we, my brave, lovely boys?

No!

We is going to fight to the last man?

Yes, we is going to fight to the last
man.

They shall not pass!

Hooray!

I'd say that's awfully good, Sergeant
Major.

Terribly brave.

Thank you, sir. Okay, hubba hubba, let's
go to work. Come on now, let's make

motion pictures around here.

Go set, Serge?

Yes, sir, I'd just like to put you in a
picture. Hey, wait a minute, wait a

minute. You're too cocky. and picking
clean.

Hey, Sam, get the props over here, huh?
Yes, Mr. Zimmerman.

Hey, what the hell is all this?

You guys are supposed to be demoralized.

Okay, and I want you drunk, too.

Sam, give him his lines.

Yes, Mr. Zimmerman.

Stand by.

Stand by.

Sir, I cannot say them lines.

I'm afraid you'll have to. It's orders
from GHQ.

There's nothing in King's regulations
that can make me say them lines.

Don't be a barrack room lawyer, Sergeant
Major.

I'll say the lines, sir.

What? I don't mind being wretched and
demoralised.

Sergeant Major.

The cobbler must stick to his last.

I mean, you're a soldier, sir, and I'm
an artiste.

It's my natural bent.

Okay, okay.

Let the fairy do it.

I won't let you down, sir. I promise.

Okay, positions.

Positions.

You okay, Jack?

Yep. That's my boy.

Okay, now.

You mean we were surrounded by 500
Japanese soldiers. I took care of them.

Yes, sir. You can always rely on good
old Uncle Sam.

I thought it made it seem rather hard,

sir. It's been a thoroughly humiliating
experience.

I should have put a stop to it in the
first place.

I shuddered to think what fools were
going to look.

When that film was shown in America, the
way that Colonel made me play the part

was absurd.

Why do all Americans think that British
officers are silly authors?

I don't go around seeing By Jove and
Good Show in a silly, affected voice.

They've no idea of reality.

You'd do anything to get your face in
front of a camera, wouldn't you, Gloria?

Yeah, you make me feel ashamed.

I am me.

I blush with embarrassment.

You're all jealous.

It was my big chance.

And I grasped it with both hands. Just
think, fellas, that film's going to be

shown all over America.

Aye, and we're going to look a right
bunch of idiots.

I feel sorry for old Shut Up. It's
really broken him.

At least he had the guts to refuse to
play them lines.

Aye, you've got to admire him.

The man's a man for all that.

How did you make up with Shut Up?

I'll take it.

I wonder if they'll show the film.

In Honolulu.

What's that got to do with it?

I like pineapples.

Good boy.

Cup of tea, Sergeant Major.

Thank you, Sergeant.

Don't worry about that film, Sergeant
Major.

I shall never live it down.

I devoted my whole life to the Army.

After all this,

Meaningless. It weren't no good anyway.

What are you talking about?

Well, I went into the little hut where
they put the tins of film to have a

I opened them up and held them to the
light, but I couldn't see any pictures.

You opened them up?

And held them up to the light?

Yes, they were all blank.

Lofty boy, you may be short, and you may
be stupid,

but today, single -handed, you have
saved the reputation of the entire

British Army.

The boys are here.

The boys to entertain you.

B -O -Y -S Boys to entertain you.