All language subtitles for it_ain_t_half_hot_mum_s05e06_the_eternal_quadrangle

Meet the gang, cause the boys are here,
the boys to entertain you.

With music and laughter to help you on
your way to raising the rafters with a

hey, hey, hey.

With pomp and catchin' and jokes old and
new, with us about you and Bill Blues.

Go meet the gang, cause the boys are
here, the boys to entertain you.

B -O -B -O -Y -S, boys to entertain you.

That is early morning song.

And do you know why I'm singing it?
Because it is the most beautiful part of

day.

The sun is rising and peering through
steamy jungle.

All the little creepy crawlies are
starting to creep and crawl.

And the mosquitoes are all going to
sleep. They're so tired of biting

soldiers all night.

I have finished my first chapati.

And it was filled with first -class
British stew and a spoonful of custard.

But today is big worry.

Any moment now, Sergeant Major Thaub
will come out of that basher and shout,

With a voice loud enough to bust the
eardrums of a thick elephant.

And when the concert party come on
parade, this will be Bort Karab. Is that

so, my friends? Bort Karab, I know.

Ah, Bort Karab.

And it is Bort Karab because two of the
concert party are missing.

And I am the only one who knows where
they are missing, too.

I see all evil.

I hear all evil.

I speak all evil.

Now, this does not make me wise monkey.

Only damned entertaining companion,
isn't it?

What time did they go?

Paderewski, you're a light sleeper.
Well, Lofty got out of his charpoy about

hour before a valley.

Let's face it, there's nothing unusual
in that.

Now to leave Parkey on guard.

I don't think he went back to bed after
that.

As if I haven't got enough worries.

I mean, how am I supposed to concentrate
on the creative side?

I'd hardly have said that having Atlas
sing Falling in Love Again dressed as

Marlene Dietrich was all that creative.

That went down very well with that 25
-pounder troupe.

Which one?

You know, by the Buffalo Waterhole.

Oh, yes, I have to admit that your
Marlene Dietrich wowed them at the

Waterhole. And I'm sure it had nothing
to do with the fact that you were still

wearing your Harry Lauder Highland
Thocks and boots.

Well, I tell Glory I'd never have time
for that change.

Get up!

Oh, dear me. Let us put the cat among
the woodpile.

Come along, come along. Let's be having
you.

Move yourselves.

Come on, come on, come on, come on.

Move it, move it, move it.

Start probably. Stand still.

It's got time.

Turn that ice.

Hello? What have we here?

I sees we is under strength.

Is some of us suffering from jibby
tummy, housemaid's knee, fallen

think... It is a good excuse to stim in
their charpoys, Bombardier.

I don't know such a major.

You do not know, but you is commanded by
king's regulations to know, just as you

is commanded to be efficient fighting
soldiers.

What you is not commanded to do is ponce
up and down on these days like a lot of

park lane.

Charts!

Charts! Charts! Charts! Charts!

Charts! Charts! Charts! Charts! Charts!

Charts!

Charts!

I was going to tell you a little story.

Last time I was on leave, I was walking
down Oxford Street, and do you know what

happened?

No, Sergeant Major. I saw a spiv what
was selling little six -inch clockwork

men.

He was winding them up, and they was
running all over the pavement.

They all looked just like you.

Now, I would like to wind you up, but I
cannot. Do you know why?

Because I'm human.

because I cannot find a place to put the
key.

Why is you late and where's you been?

I went to the div store to see if they'd
got a jungle green uniform for me.

He's fed up with being laughed at,
Sergeant Major.

He's fed up with being laughed at,
Sergeant Major.

Does people laugh at you, Gunner Sugden?

Yes, Sergeant Major. Oh, dear, I'll
never mind.

Why does they laugh at you?

Because I wear a funny uniform.

Can you not think of no other reason?

No, Sergeant Major.

Do you not think it is possible they
laughed at you because you was a short,

articulated little twit?

Sergeant Major, sir!

Gunner Parkin's unprayed with his fine
pair of shoulders.

Shut up.

Well, Gunner Parkin's eye is surprised
at you being late. You are a good

I assure.

I took an early morning stroll to get a
breath of fresh air, Sergeant Major.

How do I see it?

This fine soldier does not lie about in
his char -poi all morning.

He is out and about, taking manly
exercise and getting fresh air.

Well, we all live in fresh air here,
sir.

Where's your heart?

I suddenly realised I would be late for
parade. It must have fell off as I

rushed here, sir.

There you are again, see?

Instant reactivity to the call of duty.

Oh, sorry, sir.

Colonel Saab is just lifting his trusty
study.

Squad, time!

Morning, Sergeant Major.

Stand a minute, please.

Right,

we have one or two movement orders, so
I'll give you the details.

Will there be any chance of getting a
bit nearer the front, sir, so we can

a crack at the Japanese?

No, not exactly. Some of the units want
us to give them a show.

Which are they, Ashford?

Oh, you tired?

No, sir, no.

Oh, good.

Well, carry on.

A troupe of light -hack -hack at
Thinsong want to show on Wednesday.

Oh, and there's a special request for
Tell Me, Pretty Maiden.

Excuse me, sir, but, um, we can't do
that.

What do you mean, you can't do that?
What is your honour about Bombardier?

The frocks won't be back from the
doobie.

Well, you can see for yourself.

Me, sir?

I'm sure you can get the doobie wallet
to give our dresses top priority.

Hardly think that getting dresses from
the laundry is proper and correct

military work for a warrant officer.

Well, we've all got to do our bit,
Sergeant Major. That could be as it may

be. We also serve who only stand and
wait. Yes.

That's got nothing to do with it, has
it?

Do wake yourself up. What's next?

Oh, uh, that 25 -pounder troop wants
another show.

Is that the one by the Buffalo
Waterhole?

That's right. They want Marlene Dietrich
again.

With the socks and boots.

Oh, there's a note from the Padre. He
found Gunnar Parkin's stories in rather

doubtful taste.

Well, I can't understand that, sir. I
mean, they were just broad musical fun.

Not the one about the cardinal, the
actress and the salami sausage.

Got a good laugh, sir. Not from the
Padre.

Will there be any more horrors, sir?
Will there be anything else, sir?

Ashford! Nothing further, sir. No,
nothing further. Do carry on. Sir.

Goodness sake, wait.

Got time?

Right, on the command fallout, you will
double away, fetch your rifles, bring

them back to you for inspection.

Excuse me, sir, but if we do that, we
won't get the Dutch costumes ready in

time. You see, they've got to sew
elastic into all their Dutch bloomers.

And I have to put hems onto two more
petticoats.

Hems in petticoats.

The colonel said that the number has to
be in the show by tonight.

Otherwise, he wants to know the reason
why.

I see.

Right.

On the order fallout.

You will double away.

Put elastic in your Dutch bloomers.

And M's in your petticoats.

Fallout.

All right, now, come on, let's have it.

Where have you been?

Oh, never mind that now. Hey, Randy.
Yes, sir? You've got to help me get my

back. I'll check up.

Shut up, Swatchin. Look busy.

All right, now, come on.

Where's your act?

Well, Randy introduced me to this
Burmese girl, Thin Yu.

Yes, sir. Thin Yu live in village by the
river.

Beautiful girl and top -hold virgin.

Has she got a sister?

What's the matter?

It's a perfectly civil question.

Listen, she has to watch out for her
dad, so we can only see each other at

times, like four o 'clock in the
morning.

That's an old Hindu proverb, we say.

No time of day is a bad day to see
beautiful girls.

Anyway, we was having this cup of tea.

At four o 'clock in the morning.

With lemon?

Oh.

And, uh, she wanted a cuddle, like.

Does she speak English?

No, no, sir. She's speaking signs.

What's the sign for wanting a cuddle?

Well, it's sort of...

This is also a very useful sign for deaf
greengrocer when you want to order a

bunch of bananas.

She wasn't after bananas.

Anyway, we heard her dad come in, so she
hid me in her cupboard.

Well, he rabbed it on for hours and
hours. I didn't move a muscle.

Then, as luck would have it, somebody
came to the back door about six o

Probably the milkman.

They did not have milkman in Burma, you
burk. Come on. Anyway, I stepped out and

ran like hell.

I left me at.

Do you think you could go and get it for
me, Randy, and tell I'll be round

tonight at 12 o 'clock?

Oh, Sarge, tonight I have to do the spit
and polish on Sergeant Major Sarge's

boots, and it will be mostly spit,
Sarge, because he's a very mean man.

And very noisy one too, Sarge.

Coming, Sergeant Major Sarge!

Anyway, I haven't got time to worry
about your private life.

The show comes first.

I've got to get these Dutch costumes
finished. Come on.

Gloria.

Can't we do the French scene tonight?

I'm not very confident about this Dutch
number.

What do you know about it, you great big
amateur Burke?

I don't do anything in it.

I just stand there and go... At least in
the French

scene, I do me Toulouse -Lautrec solo.

You say it, it hurt your knees.

It's well worth it. I get a great round
of applause.

I must say, the Dutch scene is rather
uninspired.

Uninspired? You do not know what is
going on in my mind.

While you're doing the...

I have written some very funny phrases
that you'll be singing.

I'll give you them. Here, look. Get on
your piano.

Lofty, one for you.

Lofty, Atlas, Lobby.

Right. I'll show you.

Very funny.

Are you ready?

Right. From the top.

Only me.

I've seen diamonds. I've seen diamonds
from Amsterdam.

Amsterdam,

Amsterdam.

But there's not a diamond as bright as
those diamonds by the sea.

Why, you come forward now, Lofty.

I'm a little Dutch boy. Miles, Miles.

I saved the land from flooding. I put my
finger in the hole, and then I had my

pudding.

My name is Mr. M.

Blan. Painting is my job.

I'll decorate your whole front room for
only 50 bob.

The work on it, the work on it.

I can see it, I can see it.

My eyesight's getting very bad. I need
glasses very much. Because every time I

look at him, I'm seeing double Dutch.

I am a little Dutch doll.

I clatter down the feet.

Because I've little wooden clogs. And my
little...

than fate.

You see, fellas? You see?

I still think we should do the French
scene.

Rubbish.

Right.

Clean them boots.

I want them shiny.

Shiny, shiny, madam.

Madam, I thought you made a tab.

Ooh, such a great tab. There's an old
muddy mess on these boots.

Have you been walking by the river?

I will, uh... It happened last night, as
a matter of fact.

Ranji, I paid a call to that Burmese
girl you took me to see, Thin You.

Oh, yes, sir.

Very beautiful girl.

And top -hole virgin, I hope.

She's a little smasher, but... She's a
bit shy, you know.

She didn't want to introduce me to her
father.

Not at two o 'clock in the morning,
like.

So, anyway, uh...

After we had the tea and the lemon, she
made me sneak out round the back, like,

you know, so nobody'd see me. And, well,
somehow I found myself by the river.

Oh, Sergeant Major, how romantic.

You in the moonlight by the river, with
your head in clouds and your feet in

mud.

Ah, well, now, look, Randy, you can go
into that village without anybody

suspicious. So go round, tell a thing to
you. I'll be seeing her tonight at 12 o

'clock. Sergeant Major, this may not be
the best band.

What do you mean?

Well, yes, Archimedes, our kettle may
not yet have boiled.

Just do as I say, all right? Leave them
and go now.

Archimedes, sir.

There. Yes, Colonel, sir.

You gave me one. I was dashed about by
my best tunic.

Say it on, would you please?

Archimedes, sir, I will take it by you.
No, don't take it. I want to wear it. Do

it now, would you please? Yes, Colonel,
sir.

Oh, the race.

Oh, pipple.

Oh, crumbs.

What on earth's the matter, Ashwood?

I'm sorry, sir.

You've been behaving in the most
extraordinary fashion for the past week.

You write things, tear them up, roll
around at night like a pregnant walrus,

disappear into the jungle for hours on
end.

What's going on?

I'm sorry, sir, I didn't think you'd
notice.

It won't happen again. Good.

Oh, fiddle things.

What's the matter now?

Oh, it's too awful.

I've just got to make a clean breast of
it. Yes, I think you should.

Well, for the last few days, I've been
trying to write a letter to my wife to

tell her the sort of blackguard that I
am. I see.

What sort of blackguard are you?

Absolutely unspeakable.

I'm an out -and -out rotter.

Which school did you go to?

Richmond Grammar.

I see.

Well, go on.

Well, here I am, a happily married man.

And do you know what I've been doing?

Well, we're all isolated, away from
home, under tremendous strain.

I've been seeing this Burmese girl. Oh!

Freaky fingers, now.

Get on with your work.

Who is she? Well, her name's Thin You.

Nicky's second finger, sir.

How did you meet her?

Does she come of a good family?

Oh, yes, sir. She's very beautiful. A
top -hole virgin, I doubt it.

Look, Bearer, will you get on with your
saying? What does that mean, sir?

I can't believe my ears.

I mean, you're an officer.

Yes, I know, sir.

Although I've got these pips up here,
inside here I'm seething with primitive

instincts and naked lust.

You haven't. You haven't done anything
silly.

But I have.

I've pounded down to that village and
I've sneaked into her teaboo. What?

Teaboo. That's Burmese for little house.

We've sat next to each other and
we've... Oh, my poor wife. I can't go

No, you must.

It's much better all these things come
out in the open.

Well, we've kissed and... Yes.

She's poured the tea.

And then what?

Well, she usually puts a slice of lemon
in.

Oh, is that all?

Yes, I don't take sugar.

Oh, I mean... Excuse me, sir.

There's a Burmese man by here, sir, and
for I gather he wants to talk to you.

Oh, all right.

How do you do?

Blimey, these here geese are from the
village.

If I haven't got enough troubles.

If you were dedicated to show business,
like I am, this sort of thing would not

happen.

What's he going on about?

Yes.

Yes,

well,

thank him very much, and if we hear of
anything, we'll let him know.

What's going on?

Sergeant Major Saab, he said that Thin
Liu is waiting there and she will point

to the soldier boys who visited her.

Colonel, she say, will the tall officer
please turn round?

I see.

I'm afraid there's nothing for it, I
should.

Colonel, she say, all

the English look alike to her.

I've never seen Colonel Saab in such a
doodah.

Why does he make the first part over
Captain seeing Burmese girl and going

-coop?

Because Captain Saab is stiff -upper
-lip officer, and she is a native.

You damn native.

I'm not a native.

I'm in catering business.

Do it and his story.

And he rode up.

Colonel Saab has told Captain Ashwood
Saab to go and see her.

To say he will not see her. And what
about the poor Burmese stop -hold

No better than she should be.

I've just felt Parkey's blanket.

Let's see if he was there.

He's gone.

Hey, shall I go after him? No. Certainly
not.

I'll go and see if Rand is awake.

I can smell cooking.

I'll go and see. You will not go and
see.

I will go.

I'm the bombardier.

Rand. Yes, sir? I want you to go to the
village and see if you can...

at this time of night, Sergeant Major?

A bit of wander around, sir.

But you've got your hat on.

Can I have a word with you, sir?

Man to man like.

Yes, of course, but hurry up.

Well, sir, this pretty soul you think
was on about, dear, is me, sir.

What are you talking about?

Well, I've been seeing her for three
weeks, sir. She's besotted with me.

How dare you? She's besotted with me.

sneering at?

Oh, it's just that you being an officer
type, sir, and she being a not -bloody

-native girl, it don't add up like...
Oh, doesn't it?

Well, just because I've got these pips
on my shoulder doesn't mean I'm some

of milk -top.

Thank you, sir. We'll wait for Colonel,
sir.

Don't call me sir in that contemptuous
fashion.

Take your shirt off.

What, sir?

Take your shirt off. That's an order.
Come on.

I'm not hiding behind my rank.

There. I'm not a captain now, and you're
going to sergeant me.

We've stripped away our trappings.

We stand before each other naked, man to
man.

It's the law of the jungle now.

We're just two primitive men fighting
for our woman.

Sir.

Go on.

Beg your pardon, sir, but I will murder
you.

try. Just you jolly well try.

Come on.

Put your dukes up.

I can't, sir.

That's an order.

Sir, I think I should warn you, sir,
that I was Royal Artillery Wellaway

champion in 1938.

You're just trying to wriggle out of it.

Defend yourself.

Not on military premises, sir.

All right, then we'll go outside.

All right, sir. Right.

Roger.

You know you're supposed to have your
sleeves rolled down, and here you are

without even your shirts.

Sorry, sir.

Yes. Well, get back to bed at once.

Report to my office at eight o 'clock in
the morning.

Poo. You lovely black eyes.

I just can't understand what got into
the pair of you.

I'm sorry, sir. I can't explain it.

It's just that suddenly I realised I'd
spent my whole life grouping in the

darkness.

All at once, everything became sunny and
sparkling and shiny.

It all happened in a moment, that
magical moment when I sat down beside

and drank tea.

I find it almost impossible to believe.

Oh, she does make a very tasty cup, sir.

One thing's quite certain. I'm ordering
you not to take tea with her again.

Well, the trouble is, sir, she's got it
bad. She's likely to come running after

me, like, you know.

How dare you say that about her, you
rotter. Oh, don't start that all over

again.

Excuse me, sir. Coming over to see you.
I mean, dressed like this. But, uh,

Gunner Parkins wants to speak to you
urgently.

It's about Thin You.

What is it?

Well, sir, I understand there's been a
bit of a ding -dong about the Burmese

girl from the village.

Yes, go on.

Well, sir, last night, I knew I
shouldn't, sir, but I went to see her

it all sorted out.

Oh, you as well.

She sees things the way I do, sir, and
there's the proper official application

for permission for us to get married,
sir.

I just thought you ought to know.

Well, I'm blessed.

What have you got to say to that,
Sergeant Major?

Well, sir, he's... he's just a chimp.

Off some old boxer.

I'm speechless.

I shall never smile again.

Well, one thing's quite certain. This
girl has been playing fast and loose

you all.

And I'm not going to let her ruin the
life of an impressionable boy.

Get the men on parade. I'm putting that
village out of bounds.

Sir. Right! Come on, move yourselves!
Get on parade!

Come on, double, double, double, double!
Let's have you, let's have you, let's

have you!

Come on, come on.

That's it!

It's what time!

Turn that up!

It's for the Dutch scene, Sergeant
Major.

They do by the side of the side of thee,
and I do.

There's a little pink petty from Peter,
and a little blue petty from John.

There's one green and a yellow from some
other fellow, and one that I haven't

got on.

Hard top.

It's your turn!

I stand at ease.

Turn to ice!

Right, I expect you all know what I'm
going to say to you.

This girl, thin thing...

a number of you. Us.

Now, obviously, this has got to stop.

So I'm placing that village out of
bounds.

And I'm sorry, Donna Parkins, I cannot
allow you to marry her.

She's not the right type of girl at all.

You do understand, don't you?

I don't care, sir.

I think she's a nice girl, and I love
her.

She's only been serious with me.

Rubbish.

That could be true, sir. He's a fine
-looking boy.

Fine for the show.

Excuse me, Colonel Clark.

Here is the headman from the village by
the river, sir.

And he wished to say two soldier boys
visited the village last night, sir.

Not me, sir.

Not me, Westluck. I tossed on my tarpoy
all night.

I was there, sir.

I told you.

Good boy. He's very honest, sir.

Who's the other? Can he describe the
soldier?

No, no, Colonel Stubbs. But he did leave
his hat behind.

Stubbs!

Damn it, Stubbs!

What have you got to say for yourself?

I'm only a strolling vagabond So good
night, pretty maiden Good

night!

You know, there's an old Indian proverb
which say, that a man should never trust

a woman. And do you know why? Because a
woman never trusts a man.

Which is true.

And it all started with Adam and Eve.

Adam would come home from working in the
paddy fields, and Eve would say, Hello,

Adam, how nice to see you.

And she would put her arms round his
manly chest.

Now, you think she was being loving to
him?

No, no, no, no, no.

She was counting his ribs.

Thank you.

There's plenty of fun, so meet the gang,
cause the boys are here, the boys to

entertain you.

B -O -Y -S, boys to entertain you!