All language subtitles for it_ain_t_half_hot_mum_s05e05_the_superstar

Meet the gang, cause the boys are here,
the boys to entertain you.

With music and laughter to help you on
your way to raving the rafters with a

hey, hey, hey.

With thongs and fetches and jokes all
anew, with us about you and Phil Blue.

meet the gang, cause the boys are here,
the boys to entertain you.

B -O -B -O -Y -S, boys to entertain you.

Another day has dawned, and concert
party is busy rehearsing a new item.

It all takes place in barber shop, and
Lofty is going to do the shaving.

Now, I myself never have shave in barber
shop, and I will tell you why.

The last time I was shaved, I was all
cut up.

I went to this barber college, and one
of the students...

failed his examination on me.

So, that is why I always wear a beard.

Hurry up with that shaving soap, Rangy.
Stop already now.

Right.

Now listen, Lofty. What you do is you
sing the first phrase while you're

swapping the razor, right?

Right. Right.

Are you ready?

Right. From the top.

I'm the patrol commander to make way.

La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la.

Stop!

Are you mad, Lofty?

Why are you using a real razor?

It's what I was given.

I'm surrounded by flipping amateurs.
Where is the prop razor?

Here, Gloria.

Right. Now, listen. This is what you do.
You stop it, then you take a hair out

of your head and you cut it like that.

No, I can't do that. I've got my topi
on.

Well, take it off.

I'll get sunstroke.

Well, somebody could take off the strap
and cut that.

Barbers do not have toe pads. Take it
off. Right.

Right. Start again.

Here, Gloria, I've got an idea. Why
don't we do a joke here?

A joke in the Barber of Seville?

Yeah. Lofty could say to me, you need
shaving badly, sir. And I says to him,

I don't. I need shaving nicely.

Then I says, you shaved me badly the
last time.

Good, isn't it?

Lift it on with it, shall we?

Right. From the top again.

I'm the patotum of the town, make way.

La la la la la la la la.

Just le monde instead of soap.

If he's had a mouthful, it wouldn't
matter.

Gloria, if Lofty wants to shave him
proper like, he should stand on a box.

Suddenly everybody wants to be a
producer.

Look, I'm the producer, sweetheart.

Get those ammunition boxes and bring
them over here.

It's not very apt.

How do you mean?

Well, I hardly think a barber in 18th
century Seville would have boxes of

machine gun ammunition in his shop.

Well, you could write musket balls on
them.

All that matters is the razzmatazz.

This is show business, fellas.

Hit it,

lofty.

Oh, tis a charming life, brimful of
pleasure.

matter with you, Lofty.

I can't see.

Salve, he's not doing the shaving
correctly.

Another one who wants to be a producer.

But Salve, he must get it right. Let me
show you, Salve. You hold the nose like

this.

We'll shave first thing in the morning.

Actually, we're rehearsing the Barber of
Seville, Sergeant Major.

We're rehearsing the Barber of Seville,
Sergeant Major.

Well, let me tell you, Mr. Lardy Dark
and a Graham, you would not need the

Barber of Seville to restore your hair.

You would need Alibaba.

Got time?

Turn that ice!

Stand still.

Got time?

Thank you, mister. We'll understand them
at ease when you're... Turn that ice!

Right, now, listen, chaps, I just had a
message from GHQ.

They're sending us a new recruit.

Excuse me, sir, but what does he do?

Well, he's in the RAF, a mechanic.

I suppose he starts up the aeroplanes, I
think.

Anyway, he's a bit of a turd.

Excuse me, Colonel, sir.

I think we should audition him.

I mean, he might not be up to our
standards.

After all, we are professional artistes.

But he was not being very professional
the other night when he was doing Jesse

Matthews singing over my shoulder.

You threw up your arms and your knickers
fell down.

It wasn't my fault, Sergeant Major.

The elastic perishes in this humidity.

Yes, quite. You may have a point there,
Beaumont.

We'd better find out what sort of a turn
this chap does.

I'll get them to send him round.

Excuse me, sir.

The God of Harkins is foaming at the
mouth.

Good heavens, so he is.

Do you think he's got something nasty?

What sort of nasty?

I don't know.

There are all sorts of nasty things you
can catch in the jungle.

I'd better have a word with him and ask
him if he's all right. Steady on,

Ashford. It could be contagious.

Think about that.

On the other hand, he may not be ill at
all.

Perhaps he's just absolutely furious.

What do you mean, foaming at the mouth
with rage?

I

don't

think so, no.

Why is Gunner Parkins foaming at the
mouth?

That is soap, sir. Soap.

Yes, sir, he's just been shaved by the
barber of Savile. I do hear that,

Ashford. He's just been shaved by the
barber of Savile.

That's a relief, sir. Yes, it certainly
is. Thank you very much indeed.

Watch out!

That's mad!

Wait for it!

You're sending this RAF chap over at
three o 'clock?

With respect, sir, I does not think we
should have any more men in the concert

party. I mean, they're hard enough to
move around, it is, with all their poofy

gear.

After all, GXQ have sent us people to
audition before, sir, and they've always

been hopeless.

What about those two military policemen
who came on and sang We Are the Belgian

Dames and then got stage fright?

Yes, and what about that ventriloquist?
He did a turn with a fox.

I mean, whoever heard of a fox talking?

I don't know, it could catch on, you
know.

What about you? You've been trying to
tear that telephone directory in half a

month. Oh, well, I'm working on it,
aren't I?

And when I get it right, I'm going to
put an end to the act.

And if you do manage to tear it, that's
the end of your act.

Eh?

Don't understand.

Well, how on earth are you going to get
more telephone directories out here in

the jungle?

You're just trying to make me lose...
his confidence.

I'll think of something.

Hey, brother!

Oh, sir, you're so clever. What a lovely
line of little paper dollies.

Tell you the truth, Wendy, I'm getting
fed up of doing paper dollies.

I think I'll start work on a palm tree
tomorrow.

Hey, Gloria, what time's this RAF bloke
come in?

The colonel said three o 'clock.

Oh, I bet he's a great big amateur,
Burke.

I'd ignore to take him, whatever he's
like.

They may be building us up. After all,
the bigger the show, the farther back

from the fighting we'll go.

Oh, we might even go back as far as Dear
Lally.

Mommy, I just heard Gloria's father say
that we may be going back to Dear Lally.

Oh, heavenly joy. I will see my wife
again and whoever of my children are

hanging around at the time.

Oh, to see the dawn rise again on
heavenly enchanted Dear Lally.

And to see the vultures taking bath in
dust.

Oh, there is nothing like the Alali
dust.

It makes me so sad to think of it.

Oh, such beautiful dust.

And at sunset, to see the wisps of smoke
rising from the cow dung fires.

Oh, it is such lovely perfume.

It brings tears to my eyes to think of
it.

Always brings tears to my eyes.

Oh, there is no place like home.

Don't worry, you're going to be marred.

Oh, Colonel Reynolds.

Colonel Reynolds, yes, sir. He's over
there. He's over there.

Pilot Officer Digby.

Oh, hello. Colonel Reynolds, Captain
Ashwood, BSM with you. And this is...

Where's he gone?

Excuse me.

On the right.

Ah,

here we are then.

No, no, no. I keep telling you, you
salute with your right hand.

That's the one.

All ready for the audition.

Oh, good.

What's your name?

Aircraftsman Norman Wright.

I beg your pardon?

Aircraftsman Norman!

Right.

You'd better come and wait over here.

The man's an absolute ninny.

Hides his light under a bushel. Oh,
really? Yes, we didn't know he had

and then we caught him at it behind the
cookhouse.

The favourite place at my school was
behind the squash courts.

Singing?

Oh, yes, of course.

Now, do pay attention, Ashwood. Well, I
think we're just about all ready for

you.

Come along, come along.

Now, this is Bombardier Beaumont in
charge of the council party.

No, Old Monroy, you do not salute NCOs.

Right, well, I'll leave you to it. You
are now about to be judged by your

What do you do?

I sing a bit.

What?

I sing a bit.

Oh, you sing a bit.

He sings a bit.

We'll give you music to the pianist.

They won't hear him past the front row.

Oh, they're flipping amateur.

Oh, it's a travesty.

Do you read music?

I beg your pardon?

Do you read music?

Yes, a bit.

Can I start again, please?

What? Can I start again, please?

You want to start again?

He wants to start again!

He wants to start again.

All right.

Like a magnificent water buffalo calling
to his mate.

Thank

you.

Thank you very much.

What a fantastic voice, Ashwood.

It's a good deal lower than
Gunnarsugden's.

I like the way he does his gestures.

Anyway, we don't need another singer, do
we? No, we don't.

We don't need a singer.

Can you do anything else?

Play the piano a bit.

What? I'll play the piano a bit.

I'll help you, Phil.

Can you read music?

What?

I say, can you... Oh, never mind.

The bird seems to be telling me, Mr.
Lauderdale Gunner Graham, that you were

slightly redundant.

What do you think, Graham?

The piano will never stand up to that
sort of treatment.

Thank you very much.

We've already got a pianist.

We don't need another one.

Can you do anything else?

I do a bit of an act with the trumpet.

I'll take this. You don't mind, do you?

No, no, no, of course not.

These RAF chaps are jolly clever.

Hence to being able to fly an aeroplane
and play the piano.

I don't suppose they do it at the same
time.

Shut up! Shut up!

and I do a bit of juggling and some
female impersonation. No, I don't think

want to hear any of that.

That, uh, that blue -cream boy was very
good.

He had a nice singing voice. Very
robust.

Ah, he was good. No getting away from
it. Yeah. What about the way he played

that piano?

Yes, yes, he was quite good.

He certainly showed us up.

What's the matter with you lot? A bit of
opposition, you got a piece here.

All right, all right, he had some
talent.

I'll admit that.

I mean, what's he got that I haven't
got?

He can play the piano, trumpet, sing and
dance.

Well, apart from that... He said he did
juggling and female impersonations. He

only said he did, didn't he? I mean, we
didn't actually see him do them, did we?

You wouldn't have let him.

Well, it's getting late.

Anyway, I think he's a great big
gormless berk.

Yeah, I think Gloria's right. He wasn't
as good -looking as what I am.

And he didn't do any whistling either.

Oh, Piper Terry.

Aye, and he didn't do Harley Lord of
Band Island bars.

And I bet he hasn't got a university
degree like me.

Now I come to think of it, I thought his
presentation was a bit flashy.

See? You see, you all got carried away.

He wasn't half as good as you thought he
was.

How dare you come bursting in

here when we intellectuals... I'm having
discussion about the merits of an

artist. Tell them, Ramzan.

Sir,

he say that Sergeant Major Saab, Captain
Saab and Colonel Saab are all talking

about the Braille screen boy.

And they are saying how good he is.

And because he is so good, some of you
are going... Some of us are going to

what?

Get your marching orders.

I guess something like this might
happen.

Who's going?

They do not know yet, sir.

Well, tell him to go and find out.

Look at that list again, sir.

If you ask me, sir, we does not need any
of them.

I mean, this RAF will do everything.

Do you mean get rid of them all?

All except Gunner Parkins, sir.

Why keep him? That RAF chap is a much
better ventriloquist than Parkins.

He's got very weak shoulders, sir.

I don't have a ventriloquist with me.

Getting rid of them all is a bit
drastic, Sergeant Major.

Well, he needs every man up at the
front, so there's a big push coming.

Oh, the consul party wouldn't be much
use.

Will you clean out something, sir?

Punkawalla, where's you been?

Shut up.

Don't be too hard on him, Sergeant
Major. Even a punkawalla has to tinkle.

If we get rid of all the concert party,
what's going to happen to us?

How do you mean?

I mean, you can't have a colonel, a
captain and a sergeant major in charge

only two men.

They could send us up to the front as
well.

Good thinking, Ashwood. We'll just get
rid of one man.

Well, in that case, so may I suggest
going to Sugden. After all, he does not

need two singers.

Good point, Sergeant Major.

Sugden's got a sympathetic quality.

He has pathos. He's pathetic, all right.

You'd better tell him he's going.

Right away, sir.

What are we going to do about this
signal from Colonel Stone in Calcutta,

Oh, I'll tell Bombardier Beaumont about
it in the morning.

Goodbye, goodbye.

Wipe the tear, baby dear, from your
eyes.

I hope this works, Rungi.

We must save poor little Lofty, sir.

Of course it will work, you ignorant
coolie.

Gloria Saab has a heart as soft as an
overripe mango.

Saab, Gloria Saab.

Yes, Rangy? We've got a nice, very hot
cup of tea for you, Saab. Thanks, Rangy.

I'll pay you later.

Oh, no need, Gloria Saab. This one is on
the basha.

Good luck, Rangy.

Saab, it is sad that...

Lofty Saab has to leave.

I know.

What can I do?

Saab, this message came from Calcutta,
and it concerns you, Saab.

Don't be a burk.

Who'd send a message from Calcutta for
me?

Wait a minute.

From Colonel Stone, Saab in battle
dress, Calcutta.

I need a female impersonator urgently.

Tell Bombardier Beaumont to report for
audition at once.

It's come! It's come!

I'm going to be a star!

Shh!

Stop! Stop! Do not shout so loudly. You
will wake everybody up.

Oh, just think.

A big show with professional artistes.

Oh, wait till Colonel Stone sees my act.
He'll go mad about it.

I'm going to be a star!

Stop! Do not go.

What are you talking about?

Are you mad?

Not a morning early. I will go to the
airfield.

And I will speak to the RAF officer,
sir.

Who is first class wizard fellow.

And they will tell him that you are
sicky and that you cannot go to

And they will send the brill cream boy
in your place.

What? And then Lafty Saab will not have
to leave us. Oh, you are mad.

You think I'll pass up a chance like
this?

Oh, to get to the top of his show
business.

You've got to be ruthless, sweetheart.

You've got to walk all over people.

Easy to walk over Lafty Saab.

His head is very near the ground.

Shut up. I'm not going to listen.

Who's there?

done that this time of night, Lofty?

I wanted to think.

What about?

About me.

The right, of course. That RAF bloke had
a smashing voice.

He made me feel like rubbish.

I shall never sing again.

Let me tell you, Lofty.

I can't sing. I was just kidding myself.

But I want to thank you, Glory, for all
you've done for me. For helping me with

my gestures and such like.

But you can't make a silk purse out of a
thousand here.

Well, I'm going to bed.

Good night.

Don't look at me like that, Ranji.

I don't care.

I'm going to be a star.

It's the first step on the golden ladder
to fame.

Up and up.

Do you really think Lofty will never
sing again?

You'd better tell that RAF officer to
send his bloke in my place.

Oh, Saab, you're so brave.

It is a far, far worse thing you are
doing than you will ever do again, isn't

it? Broken -hearted clown.

Your tears are... And you will be
pleased to know that the RAF bloke is

coming because he's going to join a
proper show, which is a good thing for

poofs.

And, Bobbity Aboment, your audition has
been cancelled probably because they

heard you wasn't no good laddies or...
Desmond!

Right, fellas.

Back to work.

Here, Gloria.

What did old shut -up mean about your
audition?

What audition?

Nothing. Nothing at all.

Right, right. Ready, Lofty?

Right. From the top.

Lofty, hold it. Stop.

What's the matter?

You've got a lovely voice.

You know?

There's an old Hindu proverb which says
that if a man wishes to win fame and

fortune by climbing to the stars, he'd
better make sure that there is somebody

underneath holding the ladder.

The boys

are

here to entertain you.

Three!

O -Y -S boys to entertain you!