All language subtitles for it_ain_t_half_hot_mum_s05e04_puddings_from_heaven

Meet the gang, cause the boys are here,
the boys to entertain you.

With music and laughter to help you on
your way to raising the rafters with a

hey, hey, hey.

With song and fetid and joke going on
you.

Without the butt, you won't feel blue.
Go meet the gang, cause the boys are

here, the boys to entertain you.

B -O -Y -S, boys to entertain you.

Oh, dear me and rotten blimey.

The Concert Party has been very busy
doing very old British Army custom.

And this custom is known as the
grumbling, the grousing, or the

Now, the British Army men do the
grousing and the bellyaching about three

things.

One, the ruddy grub. Two, the ruddy
women.

Three, the ruddy everything else.

And today it is the ruddy grub.

Just ask me one thing.

How are we supposed to perform as
artistes in a show on stuff like this?

I mean, where's their imagination?

Here we are in the middle of Burma, 98
in the shade, and what do they give us?

Stew.

Every day, ruddy hot stew.

Bombardier, you does not need to have
hot stew.

All you have to do is use your
initiative.

Leave it 20 minutes, I've called stew.

It's the dessert course that gets me
down.

Bananas.

Bananas and bananas and bananas and
bananas.

Mashed bananas, fried bananas, diced
bananas, sliced bananas.

Today, I'm going to have mine without
cream.

I think they're better without custard.

Here, not just chopping them in bits and
putting them in his stew.

It's good grub. What, with the skin on
it?

That's the best part.

I dreamt I was eating Yorkshire pudding
last night. When I woke up, I was

sucking me toupee.

Ah, jolly hot chasub.

To take away the taste of banana.

Ah, thank you very much indeed.

Is your wife a good cook, sir? No, not
very.

Keen, you know, but unlucky.

Things always curdle or separate.

And then she bursts into tears.

But only on Thursdays, of course.

Why only on Thursdays? Oh, it's cook's
day off.

Oh, cook's a very good cook, then.

It's hard to make a thought. One time, I
take home a tin of this delicious stew

to my mummy.

Oh, blimey, there was such a joystick.

And she was able to feed a whole family
of 18 peoples.

18 peoples?

Yes, sir.

Well, they couldn't have had much of a
dollop. Oh, it's hard to make a thought.

My mummy is what you call a very good
manager.

And she made gravy from label on tin.

Shut up!

There they go again.

Same calm every day.

Yeah, but at least they're ours, Gloria.

Yeah, I was listening on the radio set
yesterday. They're supply planes.

They drop supplies by parachute.

What, you mean ammunition and blanko?

No, grub. Oh, what wonderful people we
British are. We make your fatties fall

from the sky.

I bet it's stew and bananas.

No, lovely boy, it is not stew and
bananas.

It's a 14 -man combo pack. It's got
everything you need, not forgetting a

bit of salt and a bar of chocolate.

But it does not concern you, because
they does not drop it on poofs.

where it has to fall, Sergeant Major?

Simple. You find a little clearing in
the jungle and you place these white

marking strips.

So, down it comes.

Yeah. And they get stuck up the tree.

And you have to climb up like a ruddy
great monkey to cut them free.

And by the time you get down again,
they've got the chocolate.

Beasts. If we put out some little white
strips, they'd probably drop some food

on us.

Gunner, Sergeant, you are an horrible,
evil little man, what are you?

An horrible, evil little man, Sergeant.

Indeed you his.

Do you know what you are suggesting?

No, Sergeant Major.

You are proposing to take the food out
of the mouths of fighting troops.

What about us? We're fighting troops.
You!

That are in Barnacle, Beaumont.

would not be able to fight your way
through one penny worth of chips.

In any case, we don't have anything
white.

Correct, sir.

Green towels, green blankets, green
shirts, even green undies.

So part of this green hell we live in.

Oh, for the size of something white!

Sir, you're 80 years old, you have a
body of that.

Lofty's tummy.

There's a Dobie Waller down by the
river. He washes lots of white things.

There you are, see?

There's a boy with brains and
initiative.

I think they're sorries. Belonging to
them Indian birds.

Sexy with it.

I don't suppose he'd mind us borrowing
them for an hour, eh?

Sorry, Mr. Todd. Dobie Waller take him
washing down before lunch. But to do

dirty sneaky stealing, we must do it
before breakfast.

All this.

is illegal, criminal, and against King's
regulations.

And if ever I found you doing anything
like that, I would put you on a jumping

rope! Fizzle!

Mind you, if he was going to do it,
tomorrow would be a good day.

Officer's going to HQ.

I shall be taking a little stroll.

Tomorrow morning, eh?

Every time it is raining, it is raining.

Rain is from heaven. Where is Jyoti and
Sari?

And there is Dhobiwala.

Space tower, isn't it?

Jyoti, come.

I go to the Dhobiwala and tell him that
today I give a special free offer of cup

of tea for advertising.

And while he is doing the drinking, you
will be doing the nicking, isn't it?

Right. Now, we'll sneak round the back.

I'm the barber, dear. I'll give you
orders.

All right. What are we going to do,
then?

Sneak round the back.

Assalamu alaikum.

Assalamu alaikum.

Assalamu alaikum.

Assalamu alaikum. Assalamu alaikum.

Assalamu

alaikum.

Your time is up.

Hang out the doggie on the sea free
line. Have you any dirty

doggie mother here?

Oh, yes.

Where have my lovely boys been then?

Who asked?

On patrol, Sergeant Major.

On patrol?

Yes, a voluntary patrol, sir.

Good. Get your breakfast, then.

Good time!

Now, we're just off. Should be back for
a late lunch. Very good, sir.

Could I have a word with you, Sergeant
Redding? So?

The men look very fat.

You think so, sir?

But they is looking a little choppy.

Why do you think that is?

Could be all them bananas, sir.

Possibly. Very windy diet, sir. Yes,
yes, of course, yes.

Well, you'd better get them to jump up
and down a bit. Sir.

Hey, Lofty, you're in though crooked.

Straighten it up and make it look nice.

This is the most beautiful craft that
has ever been made.

When the hairy planes see it, they will
be so pleased, they will make the sky

dark. With piling at your party?

They won't drop a thing unless we make
the dash marks.

Aye, that's what tells them how many
boxes the comp was to drop.

Let's make the dash marks, then. What
with?

I've got a white hanky. I keep it for me
head.

We need enough white material to make
two six -foot -long dashes.

We've got no more stories.

Wait a minute, fellas.

Come out the other night.

Every time now, I will charge you one
extra anna for tea. And you shall also

have stale kheer. What are you
complaining about, you damn coolie?

Any time now, it will be raining kheer
sent by King Jaji.

You can't eat two 14 -man packs in one
sitting, you... Oh, God.

There he comes!

Right,

grab them and back to the village as
quickly as possible. Yes, grab them and

back to the village as quickly as
possible.

Parky, Lofty, you get the saris back on
the line.

Yes. You get them back on the line.

Every time it is raining, it is raining.

Venice from heaven.

Oh, yes.

My lovely boy's been fishing, then?

Yes, sir.

Did you catch anything?

Aye, a couple of fair -sized ones,
Sergeant Major.

Good.

Now, I'm going to take a little stroll
up the path.

When I comes back, I shall expect
something very virulent for my dinner.

Here, come on, fellas, let's have a
look.

Just like having a birthday.

Here, fellas, a bit of the old bayonet.

In this case, just like Christmas.

Look, Christmas pudding.

It's from Jackson and Mason.

To make them for the king. It says so on
the label.

Oh, we British straight from heaven we
get the king's pudding.

There must be about 20 of them in here.

It's a whole case full of Christmas
puddings.

Yeah. And each one's got the name of a
general on it.

This one's the same.

There's two whole cases of ruddy
Christmas puddings.

All addressed to generals.

They'll taste smashing with bananas.

Boiled beef and carrot.

Boiled beef and carrot.

I must say this pudding was quite
excellent.

Was that the only one, Sergeant Major?

Not quite, sir. We does have a further
43.

43? How did that come about?

Oh, the Royal Air Force, sir, dropped a
couple of cases just short of the

target. Accidentally?

Oh, something of that nature, sir.

Sounds damn suspicious to me. Yes.

Perhaps we'd better not let the men eat
any more.

Quite, sir. Except them that's damaged
and liable to go hot. Yes, yes, of

course. Were there many like that? I
suspect there will be, sir. Yes.

Excuse me, Sergeant Major. What have you
got there? Got a Parkins?

Nothing much, sir. It's just a message
to all units from Air Supply.

Oh, well, I don't suppose it'd be
nothing important. Come along, let's

Yes, sir.

They've pushed out a couple of packs of
a special food consignment by mistake,

and if the unit what got them will
report, they'll replace them with proper

rations.

Well done.

Can I apologize?

What do you think of that, Sergeant
Renner?

Well, sir, replace them with proper
rations. I mean, seeing as we were not

supposed to have these puddings in the
first place, it'd be cheeky like asking

for a substitute.

Yes, quite right.

You'd better be quiet about it.

Besides, nobody knows we've got the
puddings, do they?

Nobody at all, sir.

Good.

What does that Indian fellow want?

I haven't got the faintest idea, sir.

Bearer, bring that Indian chappy over
here. Gently.

Very good, Captain, sir.

Colonel,

sir, this man is saying that he is owner
of Royal Sovereign Laundry by Dirty

Stream.

And he's complaining that someone has
crept to his washing line and pinched

clothing. What's that got to do with us?
Why, I don't suppose nothing at all,

sir.

Colonel Saab, he say

that one of our men was seen with six
ladies' saris. What?

Pinching them off the washing line? No,
no, Colonel Saab, putting them back.

What do you think, Hesham?

Sounds rather far -fetched to me, sir.
Yes.

Can he describe the man?

He's very round, and he's wearing the
spectacles,

and on his head is the topi.

What do you say to that, Sergeant Major?

Description vague as that, so could fit
anybody.

I don't know, it sounds suspiciously
like Gunner, Gunner, you know, the

fat, round one.

Gunner, Sugden.

Yes, Sergeant Major.

Come by here.

Now you listen to me, Sugden.

You has not been pinching ladies washing
off lines, has you?

Yes, Sergeant Major.

You disgusting little man.

What did you do with these ladies'
things?

I laid them on the ground.

Good Lord, and then what?

I hung them back on the line again.

Damn weird.

This is the sort of thing we used to
read about in the Sunday papers.

This man, Thugton, is obviously

an absolute rotter.

Do Johnny well have to pay to have them
washed again?

Yes, sir.

You'd better report to the M .O. in the
morning.

He'll probably give you some pills, and
I hope they taste horrid.

Right, pay him. Ah,

glad I found you.

Bishop's the name.

Reynolds.

Ashford. Sorry to bother you, but a
couple of cases of a special food

consignment dropped near here, and the
natives tell me you laddies knocked him

up, picked him up.

Now, I know this sort of thing does
happen, but if HQ gets the info, they'll

kick up a bit of a barnyard.

They busted a couple of colonels only
last week.

I see.

Sergeant Major, have they... I don't
intend to ask all the questions and all

that luck, but if, when I leave here,
those cases were on my rickshaw, then I

could say I found them hanging from a
tree in the jungle, couldn't I?

Yes, I'm sure you could.

See to it, Sergeant Major. Sure.

Well, I won't hang about.

We don't want me to be senior, do we?
And if I was you, I'd keep my trap shut

about all this and pretend it didn't
happen.

Absolutely right.

So long, then.

Blimey, that was quick.

He's pinched our pudding.

Yes, well, we've all had a pretty narrow
squeak there, and the best thing to do

is to forget all about it. And on no
account must it happen again.

Excuse me, sir. Yes?

There is one thing, sir.

I don't think he was a real officer,
sir.

I don't think he was a real officer,
sir.

What is you horn about, Gunner Graham?

Well, point one, he had a shiny cap
badge.

Did you notice that, sir?

Yes, sir, but I did not take no notice
of it. I mean, officers does have these

accidental injuries, I mean.

But what about his medal ribbons? He was
wearing the OBE.

Well, Gunner captains don't usually get
the OBE.

Good point.

It's more usually colonels.

They're not very often.

And he was also wearing the DFC.

Well, that's an Air Force medal.

Yes, I wondered about that.

Did you notice that, Sergeant Major?
Naturally so.

Finally, and most significantly, he had
a nicotine stain on the inside of his

hand, right there.

And what is that supposed to mean, Mr.
Shylock Holmes Graham?

Well, Sergeant Major, it means he smoked
like this.

Well, officers smoke like that.

He can't be an officer.

I mean, only common people smoke like
that.

Well, maybe it was a bit common, Lloyd.

What is you... That's what kind of
parking says is right, sir. There is a

common offices about these days.

Well, now, I think Graham is right.

Oh, what fine university brain you have
in your big head, sir.

Shut up.

This, Phil, for our puddings. Here,
fellas.

Hey, the wires are not buzzing regarding
them puddings.

Perhaps it's just as well he take them
off our hands.

I don't see it like that.

That another officer.

What up?

He may also be naughty, cheaty phony.

We better give this one a good going
over.

You check his badges, you cover his
medals, and I'll try and take a look at

hand. Ah,

good afternoon.

Nangles, my name.

I'm Reynolds.

Very nice of you to come and see us.

Yes, good.

Now, what is it exactly we can do for
you?

I'm from Divisional HQ.

You've probably heard there's been a bit
of a flap on about cases of missing

food. Now, I don't suppose you know
this, but actually, it's Christmas

Oh, did you know that, Ashford? Well,
not officially.

Well, anyway, these puddings are hush
-hush, and they could blow up into quite

nasty thing.

Now, you probably want to know why
everybody's getting teamed up, teamed up

about a lot of pudding.

Yes, yes. Well, we would like to know
that, wouldn't we, Ashford? Oh, rather.

Well, some person at the War Office...
who really should have known better,

ordered them to be distributed not to
the fighting forces, but to generals and

brigadiers.

Well, I mean, you know, I mean, as well
as I do, I mean, you've got this Labour

government now, and I mean, that sort of
thing just simply won't do.

I should jolly well think not.

I mean, you know, I mean, if these
puddings get into the wrong hands, I

could be the most awful stink.

I mean, now, now, now, now, now, the
thing to do is we've got to cover them

Yes, yes, by Joges. Now, that is where
you come in.

Do I? Oh, yes.

Certainly. Yes. You see, they definitely
came down in this area.

It's absolutely vital that we recover
them. The special investigation branch

the military police is on to it already.

They'll get at the truth and heads will
roll.

I wouldn't like to be in the shoes of
anyone who'd been within a mile of those

puddings. Do I make myself plain?

Very plain.

Doesn't hear should.

Oh, very plain.

Right. Enough said.

You, uh... You can reach me a div, if
you have anything to tell me.

Why don't you tell him about that chap
that took them away?

Don't you see that's as good as
admitting that our chaps pinched them?

We're up to our necks in this, Ashford.

I only had two spoonfuls.

Get the men together, tell them the
story behind these puddings, and we'll

after this fake officer.

Very good, sir.

He's the wizard, the wonderful wizard of
Oz.

Look,

there is another mark of the wheel of
the reacher. I think we're getting warm.

Well, I hope we find something soon.

I mean, the curtain goes up in half an
hour. Our audience will be waiting for

us. I can smell something.

Puddins? Could be.

Either that or a monkey's nest.

Right. Proceed with caution.

Proceed with caution.

Shut up.

Huh? Like the most exciting film. Yes.

Like the good cowboys and the bad
Indians.

No, it is not like that at all. We are
good Indians. And we are looking for

white captains who speak with forked
tongues.

You are damn nigger and cooly, so shut
up.

That could be where they are, sir.

Yes.

Shall we surround the hut, sir?

Yes, good idea.

Right. 90 -dose Clark Evans, round the
right.

Graham, Parkins Beaumont, round the
left.

What about me?

Dig a hole or climb a tree.

Right.

Whoever's in that hut, come out with
your hands up.

Why the hell the soldier boy pointing
guns at me? Here you go, Macintosh.

We is pre -possessing our puddings.
That's what we is doing.

Right here, Sergeant Major.

Right, Clark. You mind to get him out.

Sir.

What are you doing?

Tell your mind to stop pulling my
puddings out of my butcher.

They're not yours. They're ours.

Where is Captain Bishop?

I'm not telling you, soldier boy, damn
nothing.

What? How dare you talk to colonels like
that?

Rodding native.

Look, our public will be coming in. If
we don't start the show in 15 minutes,

they'll tear the place apart.

When Gary Cooper wanted to make a
Mohammedan talk in the lives of a Bengal

lancer, he threatened to wrap him up in
a pigskin.

You lot!

We're going to wrap you in a pigskin.

No, no, no. I will tell you everything.

He's not Captain Bishop.

He's Private Murphy.

He's deserter and deal in black market.

That's more like it. Take your damn
Christmas pudding and you know what you

do with them.

Get him out.

Why did I do that?

I'm not a Mohammedan. I'm Presbyterian.

stepped out of a dream.

You are too wonderful.

A special investigation party are here
already, searching the camp. We weren't

far enough ahead of them. It's the end
of my career, of course.

I shall probably be cashiered.

Look, when they get here, give them the
damn things and let's be done with it.

Do not worry, sir.

The bearer has deposed all them.

Very good.

I cannot live a life of lies any longer.

Look, sir.

Good heavens.

No wonder the show's going so well.
They're all stuffing the puddings.

Could there be eyes like yours?

Could there be lips like yours?

Sorry about this.

Well, where are they?

They are there, sir.

These brave British soldiers that have
been fighting naughty Japanese.

And they are enjoying General Saab's
pudding so much.

With respect, sir, I feel sure that Mr.

Rathlees will not be upset when he finds
out where the puddings are finished up.

Yes, you're probably right about that.

And we has burnt all the labels, sir,
with the names of the generals who was

be the reciprocals of them. You seem to
have taken care of everything.

All right, Sergeant, we'll get back to
HQ.

Done, Sergeant Major. Well done, better.
You've made a first -class job of the

whole thing.

Colonel Saab, I do better than first
-class job. I saved six puddings for

Christmas. You have no right to do that.

I got six as well, sir.

Come on, Astrid.

Oh, dear, oh, dearie me.

That officer is clever, imparting
policeman.

Although he is clever, imparting
policeman, he does not know what to do

Do you know?

There's an old Hindu proverb which say,
because a goat has a beard, This does

not mean he is high priest.

The boys are here, the boys to entertain
you.

B -O -Y -S, boys to entertain you.