All language subtitles for it_ain_t_half_hot_mum_s05e03_the_pay_off

Meet the gang cause the boys are here,
the boys to entertain you.

With music and laughter to help you on
your way to raising the rafters with a

hey, hey, hey.

With songs and sketches and jokes on and
you, with us about you and Bill Blue.

So meet the gang cause the boys are
here, the boys to entertain you.

B -O -Y -S, boys to entertain you.

Why it's a beautiful day As you can see,
the show has started.

And it is a very special one for Gunner
Parky Saab.

Today, for the first time, he's going to
be a comedian.

And that is a very brave thing to do.

As you know, Gunner Parky Saab is
Sergeant Major Shut -Up Saab's favorite.

Sergeant Major Saab is always telling
him how good -looking he is and what

pair of shoulders he has.

Now, some of you...

have written letters remarking on this.

But you are wrong.

Oh, golly gumdrops, yes.

Lord and Majesties, shut up, sir, this
old man.

It is stamped right through him like a
stick of black bull rock.

The reason that he is nice to Pakistan
is that he thinks that he is his son.

Now remember, we are all descended from
birds or monkeys.

And there are no feathers on me.

So, I'm with you.

The Rising Sun!

Good evening, everybody.

Thank you. Thank you, Professor.

Thank you. Well, hello, everybody, and
welcome to another show by the Royal

Artillery Concert Party.

Oh, hello, fellas. By the Royal
Artillery Concert Party. Get her.

We have a lovely show this evening.
We're going to start with that lovely

artist. Gunner Stockton, and he's going
swimming with the women. Take it away,

Professor.

I go swimming with the women.

Yeah, I do have a real good time.

Bobbing up and down in the water.

Just go below my Mason Dixon line.

The ladies do their exercising.

She's not going very well, Ashford.

No, sir. They're a rather sticky
audience.

These men is tough jungle fighters, sir.
They need something more masculine.

It's nothing but a little bit of women.

And what I took to be her first friend
ought to be a different place when I was

swimming.

What sort of turd is he doing?

Comedian, sir. You mean he'll be wearing
red nose and baggy pants?

No, sir. He'll be suave and
sophisticated, like that there Terry

Oh, Bucky, sir. You look so smart.

That suit is good enough to go to
Buckingham Palace.

He looks like a real brother, sir.

Most brother.

He will fall about laughing. You look so
funny.

I'm not supposed to look funny.

I'm very sophisticated.

Eat my fruits up. That will cure it.

And now, fellas, we have a big surprise
for you. Oh, look out,

girls. She's got a surprise for you.

He said, get behind that screen and take
your clothes off.

After a brief interval, she pokes the
red van on the screen and says, I've

all my clothes off. Where shall I put
them?

And the doctor said, on top of mine.

This is a rotten comedian, sir.

Quite great.

He's not very good, so to speak.

He'll be all right, sir. You've got to
give him time to capture the audience.

A man goes into the doctor's.

And he said, my hair keeps falling out.
Can you suggest anything to keep it in?

And the doctor said, how about a
cardboard box?

Listen to that great big burp. It's like
Hamilton Night in Dixie. It's ruining

the show.

And the first fella said, do you ever
talk to your wife when you're making

And the second fella said, only if she
telephones.

What's going on? Randy!

Tell Paderewski to go straight into
jobs.

I could stay up here all night telling
you jokes, but you'd only laugh.

© BF -WATCH TV 2021

You ruined the show last night. I
suppose you realise that.

Go on, big rat, and then glory us up.
These jungle fighters are very hard men.

Nothing tougher.

Look at that guy.

Except this dude.

How dare you? Shut up and serve the
tiffin. You didn't go down very well

Gloria. The audience was taking the
mickey out of you all the time.

But I carried on though, sweetheart,
didn't I? Because I am a professional

artiste. Not a flaming great amateur
burp.

What did I do wrong, then?

You're too sophisticated.

He's about as sophisticated as a drunken
Scotsman on a Saturday night.

What did you say, Petal?

The Irishman, Irishman.

Set up.

It puts me off when the audience shouts
out rude remarks.

Me too.

I get embarrassed.

Listen, fellas, I've got an idea.

Why don't we think up clever witty
remarks?

Learn them off by heart, and then we can
shout them back at them.

You mean something like, there's a bus
leaving in 20 minutes. Be under it.

Well, there aren't any buses in the
jungle.

Oh, shut up, Lofty.

That's not a bad idea, Nubby.

Any more of anybody?

Well, let me see if we could say
something like, what a pity your father

mother never got married.

I don't understand that.

Well, it's implying, my dear Lofty, in a
witty and subtle way, that the chap is

illegitimate. Well, why not just say,
shut up, you stupid bastard.

I'm getting fed up with this tin stew
every day, Ashwood. So am I.

Oh, here's another one.

Just because you don't like it, there's
no need to flick it at the Sergeant

Major's face.

I'm awfully sorry, Sergeant Major.

It's these beastly little spiders that
keep dropping into it.

I haven't got any spiders in my stew.
Have you, Sergeant Major?

No, sir.

Why do they keep dropping on me, then?

Are you sitting on a tuffet?

They're dropping down from this tree,
you know.

Can't we go and eat our lunch somewhere
else? No, no, no. This is the officer's

mess.

It's only a note he's stuck on a tree.

He could put it up anywhere.

We can't get changing things around all
the while. Don't you agree, Sir Medder?

You was right, sir.

There's no telling when it would end. It
could result in absolute choss.

What's that?

Sounds like a jeep, sir. Oh, we've got a
visitor.

Out through the door, would you, Bell?

Active out, Colonel Power.

Captain Owen, Captain Owen. Captain
Owen, stop!

To see Colonel, stop!

Do come in.

How do you do? I'm Colonel Reynolds,
Captain Ashford, Sergeant Matthew

Come and join us for a spot of lunch.
Oh, what is it?

Well, it's, um, this.

No. I think I'll just sit and talk while
you eat. Right.

The captain would care for a cup of tea.

Oh, good idea. Thank you very much.

Bearer, one cup of tea for the captain.

Shut

up!

GHQ want you to do a little job for
them, sir. Oh, that's all right. Just

know when you want the show.

Well, perhaps I better explain to you.
I'm the political officer of this area.

I'm having rather a bit of trouble with
dacoits.

One nice hot cup of tea, Captain Tom.
Thank you very much. Decoits?

Yes, Burmese bandits.

What's the deal, Captain?

I was thinking of that song by Noel
Coward, sir. The toughest Burmese bandit

never understand it.

Understand what?

Why mad dogs and Englishmen go out in
the midday sun.

Well, we're not. That's why we're
sitting under this tree and you keep

spiders in your stew.

Their leader's a chap called Methant, an
ugly customer.

You want us to sort him out, sir? I'll
get the men together.

Steady on, sir. Oh, you wouldn't find
him in a thousand years. He knows this

country like the back of his hand. But
he does have a secret hideout somewhere

around here. But we haven't the men to
spare to find him. They're busy fighting

Japs. So we take the easy way out and we
pay him off.

You mean you bribed him, sir?

Yes, in a way.

We give him 20 gold tickles a month not
to make any trouble. What's this got to

do with us? Well, we want you to pay the
money to meet Ant.

Us? Yes, in his own words, he wants it
to be delivered by the ladies who dress

up as soldiers during the daytime.

Surely he means the soldiers who dress
up as ladies.

It's a matter of opinion, sir.

And he wants you to give them a show as
well, sir.

You can't give a show to a load of
bandits.

They can't be any worse than some of the
audiences we've been getting lately,

sir.

We have to keep this chap Methant happy,
Colonel. Please don't rock the boat.

I don't like the sound of it at all. I'm
sorry, Colonel, but this is an order.

Are you coming with us?

No. I'm going to see Thin Thant.

He's Methant's cousin, much more
important.

He's a 50 -tickle bandit.

You seem to spend most of your time
tickling all over the place.

Stop your tickling. Stop your tickling.
Stop

your

tickling.

Don't teach you a grandmother how to
suck eggs!

But my grandmother's a very poor Indian
lady, not able to afford eggs.

Shut up!

I'm told to be shut up by the way to
come.

All right, come on, get yourself
together, you rabble load of poof!

Double, double, double, whoop yourself!

Right, pay attention, chaps.

We're meeting the bandits beside the
river, which is about a mile in the...

You've got to get through that jungle,
sir. It's completely impenetrable.

Completely impenetrable?

Let me tell you, Mr Lardy Dog on a
graham, we is going through.

Get your pangas out!

Get it out, bombardier! Get it out!

Come out of it.

I'll show you how to cut a path in the
jungle. I'll go through that not like a

knife through butter.

Because I is a man.

I'm not a poof.

Four.

Once we walked alone down by the

river. These Burmese bandits are very
bad men.

And they don't like us Indians one bit.
Oh, ho, ho, ho.

Oh, ho, ho. If they catch us, we'll cut
their heads off.

Man is right.

They might kill us.

Oh, don't worry.

It is the duty of us British to protect
you Indians.

Don't be such a yellow dickie.

I do not like this at all, sir.

We should have come armed.

I hope what Captain Owen said, Sergeant
Major, the whole point of sending us

unarmed is that there should be no
trouble.

So move, Ashford.

I'm starving.

I wonder what sort of food these bandits
will give us.

I hope it's good grub. Good grub?

Listen, sweetheart, we've not come here
to eat.

We're just going to give the bandits
their tickles, do the show, and get off

fast as we can.

Hey, Gloria.

Yeah? Have you ever had that feeling
there are lots of eyes looking at you?

yeah, lovely.

No,

I mean eyes on you that shouldn't be on
you.

What are you talking about?

The bandits are just behind us.

Nonchalant.

Him not, lady.

Oh.

Good afternoon.

You fellow belong ladies who dress as
soldiers?

Well, yes, in a way.

You very flat lady who dress as soldier.

Also need a shave.

No, you've got it the wrong way round,
you see. Me, soldier, who dresses with

ladies. Not understand.

This fella, me tant, big boss.

Round here, everything belong me.

Where your boss man?

Oh, our boss man is over there.

Colonel Reynolds, sir.

Don't bother me now.

Colonel, the band is here to see you.

How do you do?

Must be the bandit chief, sir. Me thant.

Ugly looking brute.

Me not ugly.

Me very pretty.

He speaks English.

Me speak English good. But me not ugly.

But you be ugly pretty damn quick when I
tell fella belong me to smash face

belong you.

I'm sure the sergeant major didn't mean
it. Did you?

No, sir.

I think he is quite good looking in a
rugged sort of way.

You bring tickles? Yes. Good. We go now.

But not make any trouble, otherwise...
You play ball along me, I play ball

you. Oh, very good.

Where are we going?

Secret hideout. You not look.

That's going to be a bit difficult.

No trouble.

Me fix.

Okay, chop -chop.

High in the hill, down in the dale,
happy and fancy.

But their tame keeps rolling along down
to the mighty sea.

The water's nearly up to me neck.

What do you think it feels like for me?

Move yourself!

Where are you?

Where have you gone without me?

I thought you cared.

You must be very careful.

These caves are infested with bats, and
they swoop down and get tangled in your

hair.

But in your case, sir, you have no
worries.

You get ready to do show, chop, chop.

But first, you give this fellow tickles.

Hand over the money, I should. Oh,
right.

There we are.

20 gold tickles.

I think you'll find that's correct.

What's that for?

Your commission.

I've already got a commission, thank
you. You see, officer.

Nor that your commission.

5%. I'm afraid I couldn't possibly take
it.

You nor got the racket?

Only for tennis.

Do be quiet, Ashford. Look, we are
British officers and we do not take

You crazy guys, I think.

Okay, we wait for show to start. Chop
-chop.

Damn cheek.

That's their way of life, our user.

Right, the rest of you, hurry up. Get
changed.

Glory, sir. Next time, you must tell
Captain Tharpe to keep the commission

give it to charity.

What charity?

Ah, poor Indians.

Sergeant Major, we can't change on this
floor.

Our dresses will get filthy.

Shut up.

Don't you worry, Gloria Tharpe.

I will put that sacking on the floor for
you to put your dainty feet on.

Come on, then. Come on, then. Move
yourselves. Move yourselves.

Oh, slimy!

Look at that!

Brand -new rifles, sir.

There must be 50 of them.

Sir, they're using our money to buy
guns.

The rotters. They've cheated us.

Bandits usually do, Ashwin.

Sir, why don't we grab them rifles and
fight our way out? Sir Major,

they're chained together.

Oh, that's a relief. I mean, that's a
nuisance.

We'll have to put them rifles out of
action, sir. We need time to think.

Chawla! Yes, Sergeant Major, sir? Get
outside.

Give them bandits free tea.

Free tea?

But I shall be ruined, sir.

You will be even more ruined if you get
my boot up your backside.

I'm only a poor man.

Shut up and get outside.

Macintosh, cover up them rifles.

We dare not let them banish. No, we've
seen them. Excuse me, sir. May I make a

suggestion? No, you may not, Mr. Lardy
Dog and a grey ham.

No, no, no. Let us hear what he has to
say. Well done.

Well done. Those rifles are useless
without bolts.

Well, why don't we remove the bolt and
take them back with us?

Take them back with us?

Just how do we get out of here?

50 rifle bolts without being spotted. It
is a rotten idea.

We could hide them in the charwalla's
urn, sir.

Did you hear that, sir?

I've got a parking. I've just made a
brilliant suggestion.

If those bandits touch us, they'll skin
us alive.

And you've got such lovely skin, too.

Give me your charwalla.

It does again. These people really are
beyond the pale.

I was going to say, sir, if each one of
us tucked some of the bolts into his

pocket, then the bandits won't notice.

Excellent idea, Graham.

Can I have a word with you, sir? Yes, of
course.

We could be in a bit of trouble by here,
sir.

If they discover one man with bolts in
his pocket, they will search every one

us. And we could all get shot.

That's a good point, Sergeant Major.

On the other hand, sir... If only one
man had the bolts on him, we could all

plead Higgurance.

But one man couldn't hide all those
bolts.

One man could, sir. You mean...

free at last, and I'm ready for love.

I said undo them trousers.

Do the Rosemary number and then get out
as quick as we can.

Get off, lovely boy. They're laughing at
me.

Why are you finished so quick?

Office already had to leave you like
this. Another booking.

Ah, thank you.

Well, goodbye.

Next time you bring real women, not
the...

I'm the bombardier. I get first, after
you.

Listen very carefully, Sergeant Major.

Put your hand down his trousers.

Drop them on the bottom of the river,
all right?

You know, there is an old Hindu proverb
which says,

if you're crossing a river, do not be
surprised.

If the monkey is in the trees, throw
nuts at you.

After all, what else can you expect if
your towers are full of bulls?

B -O -Y -S boys to entertain you!