All language subtitles for it_ain_t_half_hot_mum_s05e02_bridge_over_the_river_hipong

Meet the gang cause the boys are here,
the boys to entertain you.

With music and laughter to help you on
your way to raising the robbers with a

hey, hey, hey.

With thump and fetches and jokes on and
you, with us about you and Bill Blues.

Go meet the gang cause the boys are
here, the boys to entertain you.

B -O -B -O -Y -S, boys to entertain you.

You can see what we have all been
dreading has finally come to pass.

We have been posted up the jungle.

And in this native village, we are
making our headquarters.

It is a very humble place, but then we
British are used to making best of bad

job.

And Sergeant Major Taub, in true
military time, has put up notices so

everyone knows what is what, who is who,
and where is where, isn't it?

Over there, you can see Gunnar Saab's
quarters.

Over there, you can see Sergeant Major
Saab's quarters.

And over there, you can see Officer
Saab's quarters.

You cannot see my quarters because I am
sitting on them.

I am afraid they are all the quarters I
have because I'm only poor Indian.

We really are at the jungle.

I thought I was just having a bad
nightmare.

Help!

Help! Help!

There's a frog in my bed! It was all
over the place!

I can't stand this food! What's
happening?

Sergeant Major Todd, Beaumont Todd found
this little frog in his boot. Oh, it's

horrible, horrible.

Shut up!

I can't stand it.

I'm a sensitive artiste.

I can't stand this creepy quality.

Pull yourself together.

What's the matter, Sergeant Major?

It's all your fault. You brought me to
this terrible place.

Bombardier Beaumont is having mental
dimensions.

Have I got your permission to bring him
to his senses? Yes, that's right, sir.

Steady on.

Standard procedure for historical, sir.

Got you.

You're under arrest, Beaumont.

Put him in a guardhouse.

We haven't got a guardhouse.

Can I have a word with you, sir? Yes,
yes, of course.

With respect, sir, you is not going to
let Beaumont get away with this one, is

you? Certainly I'm not. I'm extremely
angry. So am I, sir.

How dare he wake me up at five o 'clock
in the morning?

I is talking about the bombardier
assault in me, sir. Yes, that's quite

as well. But the fact remains, once I'm
awake, I cannot get to sleep again.

I have the same, sir. Once I'm awake, I
just have to get out.

Bombardier bombing will have to be
punished, sir. Otherwise, we will never

maintain discipline.

After all, we is on active service.

No, no, we are an entertainment unit,
here to give shows to the troops.

You mean we's not going out on patrol,
sir? What for?

And out the Japanese.

We're ten miles behind the lines here.

Your Japanese patrol may have got
through, sir.

I don't think we ought to go looking for
trouble, sir. No, good point, Ashford.

Besides, we might get lost.

We might get killed as well. That's an
even better point.

And I will stay here and wait for
further orders.

You will have to charge the bombardier,
sir. Yes, I suppose you're right. Well,

set the wheels in motion, would you
please?

Right.

Beaumont, you will be charged forthwith.

Gunners Parkins, Graham Evans, set up a
table, something for the officers to sit

on. Move yourselves.

Not you, Beaumont.

Not you.

You say neither, and I say either. You
say neither, and I say neither.

Either, either.

Now, Mohammed, I want you to pay
particular attention.

You are going to see British legal
system in action.

I don't understand.

Well, you know what legal is, don't you?

Sure. It's a big bird with a hooked
beak.

You ruddy fool.

Squad! Squad, hide!

With respect, sir, I rely on you to
uphold my authority.

May I suggest we tie Beaumont to a tree?
Give him six lashes.

Law of the jungle here, sir.

I see you.

Prisoner! And escort!

At the double, quick march!

Left side, left side, left side, left
side! Right wheel!

Left wheel!

Mark time!

Help! Right turn!

Bombardier Baymont, you are charged with
assaulting Sergeant Major Williams.

I didn't know what I was doing. I was in
a state of shock.

Shut up.

There's no dispute in this case. We all
saw you strike Sergeant Major Williams.

Striking an officer is one of the most
heinous crimes in the British Army.

And on active service, it carries the
penalty of field punishment,

and in certain cases, death by firing
squad.

The law of the jungle here, Beaumont.

You are going to get rough justice.

Men's justice.

You will not be allowed to play the part
of Ginger Rogers anymore.

One

hot

cup of chag, Gloria Saab.

Thanks. Cheer up, Gloria Saab. Sentence
could have been worse.

Colonel Saab might have stopped you
playing Joan Blundell as well.

I don't care. I'm glad I kicked all shut
up.

Just goes to prove that even a sensitive
person like myself can be driven to

desperation.

Oh, you're right there, Petal. I mean,
I'll have to be very careful what I say

to you in future.

In case you hit me with your sponge bag.

Oh, shut up, you great big scotch -butch
hairy haggis.

Don't push your luck, Marjorie.

We shouldn't fight amongst ourselves,
fellas.

Yes, Lofty's quite right. We should
stick together in our hour of adversity.

What's that mean?

It means, my dear lofty, that we are in
the muck right up to here.

Oh, in your case, right up to here.

You should be very careful, Gloria Saab.
I overheard Sergeant Major Saab say to

Colonel Saab that he let you off much
too lightly.

Too lightly?

You think stopping me playing St. John
Rogers is letting me off lightly?

I think the visions have grown.

Can I park in?

You, Sergeant Major?

That easy call -up sign.

Answer it. You sort it, Major.

Yes, I do, Major.

Crawler.

I didn't know old Pocky could read Morse
code.

You've got to have real brains to
understand all them dots and dabs. Yeah,

hasn't got any talent now, has he?

Darby might take your part in ginger,
Roger.

Listen, sweetheart, you have to be an
artiste to step into my shoes.

Or a frog.

from GHQ, sir. Oh, thanks, Sergeant
Major.

Oh, did you get all the message down,
Gunner Parkins? Yes, Sergeant Major.

Well done, clever boy.

You know, sir, Gunner Parkins knows the
Morris Code.

Oh.

And the message to the Colonel?

Yes, Sergeant Major.

Thank you.

Good heavens.

Get a map, Ashford. Yes, sir. They want
us to build a bridge.

Listen to this. Can you get a bridge
across River High Pong stop?

Bridge will carry urgent medical
supplies. Stop. Use pontoon. Stop.

Have ready by three -stroke, five
-stroke, forty -five, comma, twelve

hours. Oh, and there's a map reference.
See if you can find it, will you?

They want it in two days, sir. We will
never build a bridge by that time. Oh,

yes, we will. If we build a simple rope
bridge.

It says pontoon, sir. Yes, but we
haven't got any pontoons. It'll have to

made of rope.

Here it is, sir.

It's only half a mile away.

All right. Well, that's everything,
then.

We must build this bridge ready for
these urgent medical supplies.

Parkins. Yes, sir? Signal back to GHQ,
Colonel Reynolds Wilco. Yes, sir.

Excuse me, sir. Is this Colonel Reynolds
Wilco a relation of yours?

Wilco means well complied, sir.

Oh. Well, why don't they say?

No one had to pick the garden.

Right, yes.

Now, you've all seen where we're going
to put this bridge across.

What we have to do now is work out
exactly how we are going to do it.

Now, here is the river.

There is a very large tree just here on
the back.

Ash, will you be the tree, will you?

Yes.

Get further back, you're in the river.

you all noticed that the tree had a very
large overhanging branch.

Stick your arm out, Ashford.

Right, now I want some string.

Better get some string.

I'll test out a minute, sir.

Now, to get the first rope across, we
will attach a vine to this overhanging

branch. Excuse me, sir. Actually, it's
called a liana, sir.

I beg your pardon?

A jungle vine is called a liana, sir.

I know, like in that song.

Sweet Rihanna, heavenly flower.

Shut up!

One piece of string, Colonel Sarge.
Right, tie it to Captain Ashford's

will you?

Colonel Sarge, it would not be right for
me as humble bearer to tie string to

Captain Sarge's finger.

Sarge, don't tie the string to the
captain's finger.

an idea, sir. If Captain Ashwood lowers
his arm, Sudden will be able to tie it

on.

Well done.

Clever boy did you hear that, sir.

Gunner Parkins is all brains, sir.

I see, sir.

I don't think that's very clever.

Any fool could have thought of that.

Well, why didn't you?

And now we are ready to start building
the bridge. Are there any questions?

Excuse me, sir.

Supposing whoever's swinging across on
the rope falls in.

What happens then?

What happens then, sir?

You! Well, I'll tell you what happens
then, Mr. Lauderdale Gunner Graham. You

get wet!

Now, ask you as soon and as fast as
possible to the bank.

Excuse me.

What about the crocodiles in the river?

What makes you think there's crocodiles
in that river?

Because I just saw one lying on the mud
bank.

Well, Chaps, I must admit, quite
frankly, there are probably some

that river, but not many.

Not many, he says.

How many do you need?

Those I have chosen.

That is why I have chosen 12 o 'clock,
because at that time all the crocodiles

are in a state of comatose.

What's a comatose?

Comatose is what you get trodden on if
you does not shut up.

Then I'll leave you, Sergeant Major, to
choose the volunteer to go across on the

rope. Stop! Don't pull me, sir! Don't
pull me, sir! Don't pull me, sir! Come

come on! I'm waiting for you! Don't pull
me! Not you! Better not you!

Don't pull me!

Don't pull me! Now, you're this, and
you're it good.

Whoever is going over on that rope
should regard it as a great privilege.

After all, back home in Blighty at this
very moment, there's probably hundreds

of people giving up in funfairs and
paying money to swing on ropes.

If you don't mind my saying so, Sergeant
Major, that's not a very apt

similitude, Sergeant Major.

Not a very apt similitude.

True.

Well, Mr. Lauderdale, Gunner Graham,
perhaps you would care to tell us, who

not had the benefit of your Oxford and
Cambridge's university educations, what

you is on about.

Well, you said just now, Sergeant Major,
that at this moment back at home,

people are paying money at the swing on
roads.

What about it?

Well, it's six o 'clock in the morning
in England.

I hardly think there'll be many people
swinging on ropes at that hour.

I don't know.

There might be hanging somebody.

You don't have to pay to be young, do
you?

Shut up!

I've never heard such a load of old
twaddle in all my life!

Like talking to a bunch of Mormons.

I want one volunteer.

I'll go across, Sergeant Major.

Will you really, boy?

You know that?

Once again, the only real man amongst
you has volunteered.

Shoulders back, lovely boy.

Five peri -shoulder, show me.

Unfortunately,

we cannot risk it.

Not when you are dandruff.

Swinging through the air might... Bring
it out on the rampage.

Anyway, you is too tall.

McIntosh!

You is also too tall.

Too tall.

Too tall.

He's the right height, and he was also
wearing the correct hat.

What has my hat got to do with it?

Well, it's just the right shape for the
hairy dynamics of sweeping through the

air.

Well, can't someone else wear it? No,
no.

That would be most unhygienic.

You is the one to swing across on the
jungle vine.

Congratulations, son of Tarzan!

that off securely, Macintosh.

Aye, Sergeant Major.

It should take the weight of a man, all
right.

Well, if it'll take the weight of a man,
there will be no problems with half a

man. Get ready, Sergeant.

Sergeant Major, come

quick.

Hold on to that rope, Sergeant. Do not
let go.

Look, sir.

What's that?

I'm going

home.

We haven't got a home.

There's no escape from this green hell.

I can't stand it. I can't stand it. Shut
up!

Water snakes in the river, sir.

Are they poisonous?

But only in meetings, isn't it?

What are they doing now?

Meeting.

Keep close, because I don't want Gunnar
Thugden to hear this.

Now, I think under the circumstances, it
would be just as well not to mention

the snakes to Gunnar Thugden.

Have I your word on this? Yes, good.

Now, the question is, what are we going
to do about it?

Well, sir, we could take the snake's
attention away from Gunnar Thugden

across by creating a diversion amongst
them.

Creating a diversion amongst them?

How can you divert snakes?

It's just rubbish.

We could throw something in the water.

Did you hear that, sir?

Well done. Clever boy.

How's about using one of the charwalla's
cakes?

Yeah, it's worth a try.

Give me a couple of them cakes,
charwalla.

Shut up.

That'll be before I mess up.

Shut up.

She's to work, sir.

That's not much good.

Except to prove his snakes don't like
cakes, sir.

We'd better get Sugden across, Sergeant
Major. Stop! Move yourself!

Get ready, Sugden.

What about all the little spurts of
water in the river? Oh, nothing for you

worry about, subterranean undercurrent
boy.

Now then, pay attention.

When you get to the other side, you will
tie this rope to a tree.

You understand?

Yes, Sergeant Major.

Right.

Off you go.

Now? Yes, now.

Give him a push, boys.

Sergeant Major, he's stranded.

I'll go over.

Oh, no, boy, I... No, let him go,
Sergeant Major.

It'll take two days to build this
bridge.

We've wasted enough time as it is. Carry
on, Parkinson.

He's done it, sir.

Brave, clever boy.

Let that be an example to the rest of
you post.

back, sir. You fool, Parkers. We don't
want him back. We want the rope across.

The rope.

This man is a congenital idiot, sir.

I don't think it's as bad as that, sir.

Probably swinging across made the blood
rush to his head and he got confused.

Oh, I got confused, sir. Get that rope
across, Sugden.

Up he'll dizzy.

Shut up.

This time give him a real good push.

caught up.

rope him for?

Don't mention the snake, Suggler.

Suggler, if you do not get it right this
time, you is for the eye jump.

Right.

Swing him off.

At last.

Now, as soon as he's tied it off, I will
pull it tight and you lot tie it off at

this end.

I've tied it off.

Stand back, you poofs. This is a man's
job.

I'll be right back.

Two days of slavery.

Look at my hands. Look, they're ruined.

Never mind, Pat. Oh, we got it done.

Oh, it is beautiful, Britt South.

Oh, hi, you soldier boys.

Kindly inform your superior officer that
the medical supplies have arrived.

Colonel Reynolds South, medical supplies
are here, South.

How do you do? I'm Colonel Reynolds.

Everything's waiting for you.

I'm Dr. Ram, first class, honors degree,
Calcutta University.

How do you do?

You got your message?

The bridge is all ready. Good.

Bridge? What bridge?

What are you talking about?

There, see?

What the hell is going on here? I never
mention anything about a bridge.

It's here in the message.

Look, can you get a bridge across river?
Bridge will carry urgent medical

supplies. No, no, not a bridge, a
fridge.

Where are you going to plug it in? It is
a portable fridge, full of ice.

It's perfectly obvious what happened,
sir.

Parking took a B for an F.

You see, F is ditty -dar -dit, and B is
dar -ditty -dit.

He got his ditties and dars the wrong
way round.

Why didn't you do it? What's the rest of
the message?

Use the pontoon!

We didn't have time to build a pontoon.

You will never get this heavy fridge
across the bridge. Use the pontoon!

I keep telling you, sick head!

We did not have time to build a pontoon.
This fridge contains vaccine.

It is urgently needed.

You must use the pontoon.

The man has taken leave of his senses,
Sergeant Major. Get him out of here.

got to think.

Clark, Evans, get him out of here. Look
here, sir. I know people in the high

places. Use the pontoon.

Use the pontoon.

Use the pontoon.

the hell do we get that heavy fridge
across?

Well, sir, if we, um, if we, uh... It's
a tricky one, sir.

Excuse me, sir. Why don't we remove the
blocks of ice and carry them over one at

a time?

Why don't we remove the blocks?

That's it, sir!

Hawkins!

Jolly good show. Well done.

Absolutely personal.

Give her one each, Punkawalla.

One man at a time on that bridge.

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

Can you move on before the ice melts?

You neck -bomber, dear.

Zoffy, Tom, Zoffy!

Get excited. Keep cool.

Try getting ice on heads up. Shut up!

that size measure.

this bridge, Ashford, and for nothing.

That man Parkins is an idiot, putting a
B for an F.

It would never have happened in the
first place, sir, if they called it an

Electrolux.

You know, there is an old Hindu proverb
which says, if you see a small elephant

boy sitting beside a very large dead
elephant, crying his eyes out, this does

not necessarily mean that he loved the
elephant.

He may be crying, because he has to bury
it.

Bye.

Bye. Bye.