All language subtitles for it_ain_t_half_hot_mum_s04e07_we_are_not_amused

Meet the gang cause the boys are here.
The boys to entertain you.

With music and laughter to help you on
your way. To raising the rafters with a

hey, hey, hey.

With thong and catches and jokes old and
new. With us about you and Phil Blue.

So meet the gang cause the boys are
here. The boys to entertain you.

B -O -B -O -Y -S.

Boys to entertain you.

Yesterday, I heard the most exciting
news.

Quite by accident, I was sitting outside
the window of the battery office when I

heard Colonel Reynolds Saab saying to
the Captain Saab that this was the time

the year when a list is to be sent to
Delhi of those people who are going to

given the OBE.

Now, this is something that makes us
British very proud.

And Colonel Saab was saying that he is
hoping that his name is also going to be

on the list.

If you possess the order of the British
Emperor, it means that you can order

anything you like.

Egg and chips, cups of chaff.

And you do not have to pay.

And this gives you great power.

Now, if I had the OBE, I would order
every morning my mother -in -law to

me my breakfast in bed.

This would be a problem because I sleep
on the floor.

How's it coming on, Alfred?

You swine, you foul swine.

I beg your pardon?

I'm just going over this bit I've
written, sir.

I beg your pardon, sir. The language
sounds a bit strong.

Yes, I quite agree.

If I'm writing a pageant about the
British in India, I've got to make it

Read it out.

This is the bit about the Indian mutiny,
where the people are revolting.

Officer, you swine, you foul swine, you
betrayed your trust.

Bring on the next one.

They drag on the trust -up seaport.

Officer, trust him to the cannon for
betraying his trust.

The cheap boy's trust to the cannon.

Yeah, what do you think of that, sir?

Too many trusses.

What do you think, Sergeant Major?

Well, sir, I mean, being tied to a
cannon could give anybody a rupture.

I love that bit you wrote about stuffing
people down the black hole.

You mean the black hole of Calcutta?
Yeah, it's just the sort of thing that

would appeal to the district officer.

He's a real old blimp, you know.

Loves the red, white and blue.

So we've got to present the British in
the best possible light.

That's a good idea, sir.

It's about time we British blew our own
trumpets.

I'm very proud, sir, to have served in
the British Army in India for the past

ten years.

And during that time, sir, I've had some
wonderful comrades, tough men, every

one of them real soldiers.

Come in.

We're all waiting.

Shut up!

What are you talking about?

You told me to get the concert party on
Friday for ten hundred hours.

Shut up, you. Do not come in here like a
girl guide mistress. We've been all

waiting.

There's supposed to be a bombardier in
the Royal Artillery who comes in here

he says, The man is on parade, sir!

Do it.

The man is on parade, sir!

Sir, may I know, will you tell the chefs
about our demobilisation plans?

Oh, he does not want their minds on
going on, sir.

Do you mean we're all going home, sir?

In a manner of speaking, yes. Shut up
and wait outside.

Fellas, we're all going home. What are
you talking about, Gloria?

I just heard the colonel tell the
sergeant major we're all going to be

demobilized. Stop sucking ice.

Not you, not you.

Done that ice.

Now, the colonel has instructed me to
read out to you the demobilization

Can I go and pack my bag?

Shut up!

I'm saying he was not going anywhere
sudden.

Informing a decomposition of who goes in
what group, the War Office, in its

wisdom, has taken the following things
into consideration.

Length of service and age.

Now, none of you is very old, and since
you do not get points for having a bald

head... ..or being the only garden gnome
in the British

Army...

You're going to have to wait a very
long, long time, Sagan. How long have

been in the army?

Eleven months.

Pathetic. I've only been here for ten
months, Sergeant Major.

Ah, yes, but you have made very good use
of your time, my son.

What's my D -MOM number, Sergeant Major?
My word.

You is top of the form, boy.

I must congratulate you on having such
eye marks.

Sagan, your number is 98.

How much longer have I got in the army,
then?

Difficult question.

However, with the aid of Mr. Lardy Dog
and a great huge and shiny brain, we

attempt to solve it. How long's he got?
Well, I'd have to know when the war's

going to end to work it out, Sergeant
Major. Well, let us take an

example.

Let's assume that the war is going to
end dinner time today.

Ah, let me see. They're going to release
two groups a month, 24 a year, divided

by four.

If the war ends today, it will be four
years and two months.

Oh, dear. Au chard. Never mind.

You will be the only one left.

Oh, you know, we British have so much to
look forward to when we get home.

Oh, blimey, yes. A brave new world.

Everything is going to be free because
we have the beverage report.

Oh, the beverage report.

You mean everyone is going to have three
cups of cha?

You bloody fool.

Not that kind of beverage.

It is what we are calling a healthy
service.

It means that you can go to Dr. Thob and
get a free wig, free false teeth, and

free spectacles.

But I have plenty of hair on all my
teeth, and I don't need any spectacle.

Don't be so ruddy ungrateful.

Hmm.

Not bad at all.

Not bad at all, Ashford. You, uh... You
don't think it's too, uh, jingoistic,

sir? No, no, no.

Grant Foster, the district officer, will
just love it.

Oh, by the way, this visit of his is
very important to me, you know.

I have it on the very best authority.

There are one or two OBEs floating
about.

Oh, do you think I'll get one, sir? No,
but I might.

I know it's on the list.

And if I can just make a good impression
with this pageant, it might just pinch

it for me. Come on.

One, two!

It's just one thing, sir.

I don't think Bombardier Beaumont ought
to produce the pageant. He'll probably

have them all doing high kicks.

Who's going to do it, then? I thought
Gunner Graham.

After all, he is a university man, and
he can give it the integrity it needs.

The man is ready for you now, sir.

Thank you, Sergeant Major.

Stand up at ease, will you?

Thunder!

Ice!

Right, chaps.

Now, in two weeks' time, the district
officer, Grant Foster, is visiting the

depot. Now, he's a very patriotic man,
so in order that you can make a good

impression on him, Captain Ashford here
has written a pageant for you to

perform. It's called The British in
India, and it deals with all the good

we British have done for the Indians
over the past 200 years.

Right, you'd better put them in the
picture, Ashford. Very good, sir.

Now, the first thing I have to tell you
is that the pageant will be produced by

Gunnar Graham.

That's not fair, sir. I always produce
all the shows.

Shut up, how dare you? No talking in the
ranks.

Don't worry, Beaumont, you will be
playing the leading part, Queen

Now then, I'll read out your names one
by one.

and tell you which historical characters
you will be playing.

Right, when the officer calls out your
name, you will take one pace forward and

learn about your historical parts.

Sir Hawkins?

Sir? You will be playing Dizzy.

Yes, sir.

With respect, sir, if you want somebody
to take the part of a idiot, I mean, why

not have somebody more appropriate, like
Gunnar Sundin?

I'm talking about Benjamin Disraeli.

Gunnar McIntosh?

Sir? You'll play John Brown. Gunner
McIntosh, John Brown!

Oh, hi. Oh, hi, the news.

I say, that's awfully good.

Gunner Clark?

Sir? You'll play Clyde. Yes, sir.

Gunner Sugden?

Yes, sir. You'll play General
Whitehouse.

Gunner Sugden, General Short Heist!

Be gone, sir, slip of the tongue.
General Whitehouse!

Yes, sir.

Gunner Evans?

Sir?

Ah. Yes.

Well, there'll be a few bits and pieces
for you.

Can I play Prince Albert, please?

Can you play what?

Speak up! Prince Albert, sir.

Prince Albert isn't even in it.

Oh.

That's a pity.

I look like him.

Right, well, that's all. I think jolly
good luck and make it a first -class

show. Carry on, bombardier.

Terrible. It's boring.

It's got no jokes and no song.

I couldn't agree more.

And besides that, I'm the bombardier and
I should be in charge. All right,

you're the bombardier, you're in charge.
You go and tell the colonel that

Captain Ashwood's pageant is terrible.

It's got no jokes, no songs and is
boring.

What, you mad?

Precisely. We've got to do it. So let's
get on and do it. Now, come on. Come

along.

Quiet,

everybody. Quiet, everybody.

Everybody quiet.

stage manager, so I have to tell them to
be quiet as well.

You ready, Gloria?

Yes, baby!

Enter!

It doesn't say, good evening, ladies and
gentlemen, in the script. You're making

a sound like a cheap variety turn.

That's nice.

Cheap variety turn, am I?

Let me tell you, I'm proud to have
greased my money through my veins.

It's better than being a la -di -da
university twit. Pumps about all day

four, four, four.

I'm the bombardier, and I'm going to do
it with razzmatazz.

Gloria's right.

Let's need some razzmatazz.

I'll go along with Gloria.

Razzmatazz is everything.

When it comes to showbiz, Gloria's got
it up here.

You know something? Before he came
along, I was useless.

Yeah, and he taught me how to enhance my
natural good looks with a few dead

strokes of grease paint.

Oh, son, what an overwhelmingly large
testimonial you have been given.

I see.

I've got a marvellous idea. When you
come on, you say, good evening, ladies

gentlemen.

Right, let's do the entrance again,
shall we?

Enter Queen Victoria.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

Excuse me, sir. You have forgotten your
cheek.

Oh, I don't need that.

Laurie, it's a well -known historical
fact that Queen Victoria had a fat face.

Oh, right.

Then you can eat it afterwards.

All right. Do it without the teeth.

Thank you very much.

That.

Let me tell you the story of what we
British did for the Indians and how we

them civilized.

I am the Empress of India. And one day,
I was sitting in my study at Windsor

Castle, and in came my faithful Highland
servant.

Ladies and gentlemen, John...

Ladies and gentlemen, I am the Queen's
faithful Highland servant, John Brown.

Keep right on to the end.

What are you doing?

I'm just giving it some Scottish
razzmatazz.

Anyhow, John Brown was a crawler. I was
sucking up to the English.

Kneel. Then in came my faithful Prime
Minister.

Ladies and gentlemen, Benjamin.

the Queen's faithful Prime Minister,
Benjamin Disraeli. Oy vey, all ready.

What does that mean?

Well, he was Jewish, wasn't he?

I can't go on.

I've had enough.

I've had enough.

It's a travesty.

It's rubbish, rubbish.

I could write a better page in this
thing than I can.

Get on with it.

I will not get on with it. It's rubbish.

I'll take me to the Prince Albert, will
you?

I'll do it. I'll do it because I...

Let me tell you the story of Clive and
the black hole of Calcutta. I think I'll

stand up for this next bit.

The page of history turns.

The page of history turnings up.

And England and Scotland.

Well, tonight's the night, Ashwood. I
expect you're feeling nervous.

Yes, I am, Robert.

You know, I've been thinking, if this
pageant is a success, after the war I

might... chuck up my job in Civet Street
and become a playwright. Steady on,

Ash, but I shouldn't do anything too
rash.

The question I have to ask myself is,
how good am I?

Ah, well, what do you think, Sergeant
Major?

Yes, Sergeant Major, you read it.

I mean, I'm asking you, as a man in the
street, what did you think of it?

Well, sir, I do not know much about the
playwriting.

To be fair, I don't think he was quite
any class of Noel Coward.

Or Somerset Morgan.

I'd been about stuffing people down the
black hole.

How perceptive of you, Sergeant Major.

That scene is the key to the whole
thing.

If it wasn't easy, I was up for two
nights resting with it.

I had to say to myself, what would my
feelings be if I was stuffed down that

black hole?

You'd like it very much, Admiral.

Exactly, sir. That's the answer.

I wouldn't want to go down there.

Now... There's this chap standing
outside the black hole and not wanting

down there.

Now, what would he say?

Then it came to me in a flash.

He'd say, please don't stuff me down
that black hole.

Please don't stuff me down that black
hole.

Please. Sorry, am I interrupting
anything?

No, not at all. Come in.

Good morning.

My name's Collins.

I'm the LO to the district officer.

Ah, good morning.

Colonel Reynolds, Captain Ashford,
Sergeant Major Williams.

Well,

I just popped over to settle the last
-minute arrangements for tonight.

Oh, good. Well, the consular party are
having their dress rehearsal this

afternoon. Would you like to watch it?
Oh, rather. I shall enjoy that.

Oh, by the way, who's written this
pageant? Captain Ashford.

Oh, I say.

Are you one of these writer chappies?

Well, in a way, yes.

I dabble a bit, you know.

I say, do you really?

Pierce, we could discuss it over some
lunch. Oh, rather. I shall enjoy that.

Rather, I shall enjoy that.

I'd like to stuff them all down the
black hole.

Don't stuff me down the black hole.

Have mercy.

I shall show you no mercy.

Get me down.

Do you hear that?

Point at words, they see everything,
don't they? He doesn't want to go down

there. I think it's pretty obvious to
everyone by now.

I was determined to have my revenge.

Watch this. Take a break for one minute
or two.

What on earth's the matter, Ashwood? You
look as though you're going to be sick.

I can't believe I've written it, sir.

It's magic.

My words have all come to life.

How do you like it, Collins?

Oh, this is really strong stuff. Very
pro -British. The old man will laugh it

off.

Right, carry on.

It's the bit about the Indian Mutiny
next, sir.

The page of history turns.

Page of history turning, sir.

1857. I was having a lot of troubles
with my empire.

I was having in my poo -jam.

But let General Whitehouse tell you in
his own words.

Ladies and gentlemen, General
Whitehouse!

Just watch it, all that noise out there.

General Whitehouse, your sepoys are
revolting.

seem to fight on this greasy cartridge
because of his religion.

Stuff and nonsense.

Take it by might.

I'm sure

this Indian chap is a good actor.

What's he going on about, Graham?

I don't know, sir. Something seems to
have gone wrong here. What's he saying,

Angie? Sir, he's saying he will not bite
the cottage because of the grease.

It is against his religion.

But it's in the play.

It is also in real life, sir. Tell him
his jaw. I've got to bite it, otherwise

he'll be out of the show.

We've got another mutiny on our hands.
What are you going to do, Colonel?

Be calm, everybody.

Excuse me, sir.

Why don't you try using Vaseline?

Good idea, Beaumont. Use Vaseline. It's
not an animal fat. Comes from a royal

well.

Is it a male or feminine oil well?

I don't know what all the fuss is about.

Tastes all right to me.

Right, carry on.

If they'd used Vaseline in 1857, there
wouldn't have been a mutiny in the first

place. Look, anyone could be clever with
hindsight, Ashford.

Right, take him out and tie him to a
cannon. That will knock some sense into

him. Yes, sir.

And so, once again, British Fair Play
and Sound Common Sense Triumph

and my...

Do you think Grant Foster's going to
like this? Oh, he'll go for it, all

It's real patriotic blood and thunder
stuff.

Just his cup of tea.

And I must say, you know, it's got a
sort of naive integrity.

Naive integrity?

Hear that, Asher?

Thank you very much.

Must dash. See you tonight.

Excuse me, sir.

I must just have a word with my cast.

What do you think of it, Sergeant Major?

Well, sir, I does not wish to dedicate
Captain Ashwood's work, but I've never

seen such a load of old twaddle in all
my life.

You don't know where you go to. Why
don't you go where... How do I look, ma

Oh, beautiful, sir.

But there is one thing missing, sir.

Oh, what's that?

I have seen a statue of Queen Victoria
in Bombay, and she always has a pigeon

her head.

Why do you not have a pigeon on yours?

You burk.

Now, Ashwood, as soon as Grant Foster
gets here, we'll give him a few drinks,

take him out there and show him the
show, and then take him back for a slap

dinner, all right?

That should put him in a good mood.

Ah, Collins, just in time for a drink.
He's not coming.

What? Grant Foster, he can't come. He's
sending his deputy.

Well, that's not much good. It certainly
isn't. He's an Indian.

Indian?

Well, can't we change the show, sir?
That was the risen time.

Oh, Lord, what shall we do, sir?

Sorry, Major. Go and tell the council
party to get through the show as quickly

as possible.

There's just a chance if they speak fast
enough, this Indian chappie won't know

what on earth they're talking about.

Right, sir.

But that's no good.

This deputy Patel's an awkward man. He
speaks perfect English.

It's all your fault, Ashford, writing
this jingoistic rubbish.

But you said you liked the bit about
stuffing the people down the black hole.

Will you shut up about the black hole?
You're obsessed with it.

The whole thing's absolute pitiful
anyway.

Petal?

But you said it had naive integrity.

I'm... I'm shattered.

Bang goes my OBE.

What OBE?

I understood my name was on the list.

Yes, it was.

But this chap Patel crossed it off.

Damn cheek.

In that case, I don't care if he does
see the pageant.

You'd better care, sir. This could cause
a serious diplomatic incident.

Now, I should lose my job and you could
face a court -martial.

Ah.

Ah, yes, good evening, sir. Yes, do come
in.

This is Colonel Reynolds and Captain
Ashwood. Good evening.

May I present my wife, Mrs. Patel.

Good evening.

Tell us, do you drink?

No, thank you, we do not drink. It is
against our religion.

Oh, yes, of course. Well, it's jolly
nice of you to come along and see our

little show. I didn't want to come.

I've got quite enough work to do as it
is, trying to clear up some of the mess

you British have made.

Oh, well, in that case, perhaps you'd
rather not see it. No, now I'm here, it

my duty to see it.

Right, now, listen, Fallon. The Colonel
wants us to get through the show very

quickly so everybody speaks out, right?

And Paderewski's going to play the piano
very loudly so nobody can hear what

we're saying.

All right.

And when I come on, do not play Royal
Britannia.

Well, what shall I play, then?

Play what you usually play for a cheap
variety turn.

Right, sir.

If you and the miss... er, you and your
lady would care to sit down by here,

sir, the show will commence.

I just wish the ground would open and
swallow me, sir.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the
show.

Tonight we present...

The story of the

British in India.

Ladies and gentlemen, Queen Victoria.

Stop!

I can't hear a word that's being spoken.

There you go, Penelope. Stop that music.

Now, start again and speak more slowly
this time.

Oh, no.

Let me tell you what we British did for
the Indians and how we made them

civilized. No sooner do I sit down than
you insult me.

Are you aware, sir, that we Indians were
civilized when you British were walking

about in skins?

With respect, sir, there has been a
mistake by you.

Queen Victoria!

Why does not you learn your part proper?
What she meant to say, sir, was how the

Indians civilized us.

Is that not correct?

Yes, that's right, sir. Carry on in
majesty.

Ladies and gentlemen, jump!

Ladies and gentlemen, I am John Brown,
the Queen's faithful Highland servant.

Och aye, the new.

Och aye.

Ladies and gentlemen, Benjamin Disraeli.

I am the Queen's faithful Prime
Minister, Benjamin Disraeli.

And he was the first British Prime
Minister who was a Indian. His real name

Ben Amidulali.

The page of history turns.

Age of history turnings up.

Clive of India.

Good gentlemen, ladies and evening.

My name is Clive of India, and I am very
worried because the wicked Nawab of

Bengal has captured 146 of my men, and
he's going to stuff them down the black

hole of Calcutta.

This, of course, is not the true story
of the black hole of Calcutta.

Hands up who knows the real story.

Gunner Graham, does you not know they
were university education?

Yes, well, they were actually a party of
tourists who were inspecting the black

hole, the door slammed behind them and
they couldn't get out.

Well done.

Clever boy.

The page of history turned.

Page of history turning, sir.

1857.

The Indian mutiny.

General Whitehouse, your sea boys are
revolting. But I have captured a

ringleader. Are you going to buy the
cartridge?

No.

This, of course, was not a mutiny at
all.

It is now generally agreed it was a
industrial dispute.

Take him out and pin him to the mouth of
a cannon. What a terrible thing I hear

you say, to pin a man to the mouth of a
cannon.

Let Gunner Graham tell you what really
happened.

Yes, well, this is a misinterpretation.

What actually was said was...

Take him out and get the opinion from
the mouth of the canon, the Reverend

Timothy Jones.

Who was the arbitrator in the case?

Enough of that. We was all very good
friends, like.

Happy days. Going to happy days. Fellas,
happy days.

Well,

Colonel, our Indian shows of song,
dance, and mime are incomprehensible to

Western eyes.

Your shows are equally incomprehensible
to our Eastern eyes.

But whereas the Indian ones last for
four or five hours, yours only last four

five minutes.

Perhaps we can learn something from you
British after all.

You know, there's an old Hindu proverb
which say that if you are giving a

lecture on history, Make sure you get
your facts right.

Otherwise, you may have to eat your
words. And this would give you terrible

hiccups.

Because history has a habit of repeating
itself.

The boys are here. The boys to entertain
you.

Me! Help!

B -O -Y -S Voice to entertain you!