All language subtitles for it_ain_t_half_hot_mum_s04e05_lofty_s_little_friend

Meet the gang cause the boys are here.
The boys to entertain you.

With music and laughter to help you on
your way. To raising the rafters with a

hey, hey, hey.

With thump and fetid and jokes old and
new. With us about you and Phil Blue. So

meet the gang cause the boys are here.
The boys to entertain you.

B -O -B -O -Y -S. Boys to entertain you.

My friends, you are knowing, I'm sure,
about a great land which is living over

the other side of our Himalaya called
China.

Now, the people who live in China are
not a bit like us British.

Oh, blimey, no.

They are very peculiar.

You see, they do not say, I remember the
summer of 1942 or I remember the winter

of 1945.

Oh, no.

They are saying, I remember the year of
the fiery dragon.

Or I remember the winter of the brass
monkey, isn't it?

Now, all this is very confusing, I must
tell you. And what is more, it has

nothing to do with what I am talking
about.

But there is one day that I do remember,
which I am calling the day of the

Ishmael elephant.

It all began like many days in India,
with very hot sun, very many dirty

and also some beautiful music.

Not you, you damn coolie.

You are

wanting Jolly Hood Chazza, right?

No, clear off.

What do you call for, Chazza? What are
you talking about?

You call Cha -Cha -Cha.

Buy, buy, buy your books.

Now,

Nobby, Nobby, you're not quite right
there. Yeah, well, I can't do it without

hearing the tenor on the melody. Well,
Lofty will be back any minute now. Let's

try the whole thing again, OK?

And... Here we are again, happy as can
be.

All good pals and jolly good company.

Strolling round the town.

Out upon the spree.

Out upon the spree, sir.

Well, what about it?

It's the next line of the song.

I don't see that's got anything to do
with you, Ashford.

I'm awfully sorry, sir. Carry on with
whatever you're doing. Yes, sir.

Good heavens.

Where are you off to?

It's 11 .30. I'm going to water my
plants. Oh, you don't need to snoop out

there. Just take your water and go. Yes,
sir.

Captain Ashwood is a bit edgy this
morning, is that not?

Yes, sir. His new plant has just arrived
at the station.

Oh, you mean that flower thing his
friend sent from Simla? That's right,

You won't rest until it's safely
planted. I gather it's something pretty

sir.

Get off! Shoo! Go away, you rotten
thing!

What's up now?

What's going on, Ashford? Go away!

And you jolly well stay away.

He was one of those wretched pie dogs,
sir. He was just about to lift his leg

one of my dahlias.

Better put barbed wire round those
before your plant arrives from your

Fruity Montefiore.

Funny name for a plant.

That's the name of my friend.

At what time will the bearer be back
from the station?

Oh, I didn't send the bearer, sir. I
thought it was far too important to

native. Whom did you send?

Gunner Sugden, sir.

Oh, that small one with the very high
voice.

That's right, sir. The very low head.

He left on the 9 .30 swill wagon, sir.

The 9 .30 swill wagon?

But that doesn't come back till tomorrow
morning.

Don't it, sir?

No, it doesn't. Must have slipped my
mind, sir.

But it's eight miles. He'd have to walk
back.

Oh, dear. How sad. Never mind.

You see?

Eight miles on them little fat legs.

Something about the soldier.

Something about the soldier.

Is this the right road to Dulali Camp?

Thanks very much.

I said, Chum, is this the right road to
Dulali Camp?

Dulali Camp.

Dulali Camp.

Dulali Camp.

Bye,

it's warm.

I am one little lamb who has lost his
way. Bah, bah, bah.

I am one little lamb who has gone
astray. Bah.

I expect the Aspidestra could do with a
drop.

Hello. You're an elephant, aren't you?

Have you had that?

You've eaten it, haven't you?

I'll be in trouble.

I'd better not stop here any longer or
I'll be in worse trouble.

Thank you.

We could walk about a bit.

Suddenly everybody wants to be a
producer.

Sir, why do not we have one Indian song
in the show?

No, the audience wouldn't understand it.
But, sir, I could translate as we go

along, and Mohammed here can accompany
me on the char.

It will be a great joy for you, sir.

I'm red -hot on the char.

This is the story of a young Gurkha boy
who is very much in love with a young

Gurkha girl.

Unfortunately, he has put her into what
is known in India as the chapati club.

But he is reaching to marry her and to
make honest woman of her. So he is

returning to Deir el -Dun to ask his
wife.

Unfortunately, his wife say no.

And it is entirely your fault that she
has got such a big...

the property here.

You'd better stop here and back up my
tail.

Do you mind minding this?

I had to have a little sit down. I was
mapped it. You has got no right to be

mapped it.

Where's the plant now?

I gave it to the punker lad.

Green fly.

But it was in flower.

What's happened to the flower?

It got consumed.

Consumed? You disgusting little man.

Charge section 40, conduct prejudicial
to good order and military discipline in

that you did improperly eat one plant,
the property of Captain Atwood.

I didn't eat it, the elephant did.

Said plant was in you at what elephant?

In the playground.

Playground!

Tell us, Suggan, where is the said
elephant?

It must have took off.

Tell us, Suggan, you were supposed to be
a soldier. You know as well as I do

that you are not a... allowed to make up
fantastical stories when being charged

by a wanted officer.

Every flower is gone.

You're absolutely unspeakable.

You're a monster.

It wasn't nothing to do with me.

Excuse me, sir, sir. I've just come from
Officer's mess -up. Major Pinkerton,

sir, was having drink when Elephant
walked in to mess up and out the other

What are you talking about? The doors
aren't big enough. But he went through

walls, sir.

Whatever did Major Pinkerton say?

I don't know, sir. The mess fell down.

Sir, this is serious.

An elephant has just demolished the
guard room.

Where is he now, sir? Picking his teeth
with the doorpost.

Tell the bugler to sound the alarm.

Is it all your fault, Gunners? I'm dead!

Because I hold you entirely responsible.

Sir, Major Williams!

Yes? What?

What? Hold on.

Can't go to the reception station, sir.
The bugler has just been wheeled in.

Oh, dear. Is he serious?

Apparently, sir, as he was putting the
bugle to his lips to sound the alarm,

elephant blew down the other end.

Are they operating?

They can't, sir. They cannot give him
anesthetic without mending the puncture

first.

You've got a hell of a lot to answer
for, Gunner, Gunner. Gunner, Stubden.

Gunner, Stubden. Tell them to keep us
posted.

Go on.

You'd better get the situation under
control as quickly as possible.

Me, sir? Yes.

What are your plans?

Plans? I've just formulated them, sir.
Good.

I think we should send out recce parties
to locate the enemy.

What enemy?

The Hellivant, sir. As we find him, sir,
we can neutralise him.

Neutralise him?

You have to be damn careful how you go
about doing that.

I lay on the recce party, sir.

What shall I do?

Just go away. Yes, go away. You're going
to have to favor all this damage, you

know. Can't properly stand in sight of
these wolves. Come on, come on, come on.

Cut up!

On the command, number. You will number
from the right in twos. Number!

One, two. One, two.

One, two.

One.

On the command, fall out. You will hunt
in pairs to locate a missing or rogue

elephant. Stand still!

Once located, this elephant, number one,
will report to the battery office.

Number two.

We'll keep the elephant under
observation at all times. You two, go

You two, go that way. And you two, go
that way.

What shall I do?

I've no one to do with.

I need a chum.

The way you is going on, boy, you may
never have a chum again.

You stand fast on a shotgun. Once
located, this elephant will need a task

to deal with it. You is the task force.
Fire!

Oh.

You will take the high road and I will
take the low road.

And I will be... You can

tell

the general there's very little to worry
about. We have the situation in hand.

My adjutant has set up a control centre.

He's a first -class chap.

Yes, I have every confidence in him.

We'll keep you completely informed.

Goodbye.

The area commander, they're on to it.
Someone in the town major's office has

filled the bins.

The recce party's is back, sir. Would
you like to hear their reports? Good

Weed them in when I've made this call.

Todd! How?

camp theatre through beelines.

Oh, it was ever so eerie out there,
because nobody's been living out there

quite a long time.

Anyway, I crept round the side of one
basher, and Parky crept round the side

the other one.

Gunner Parkin, sir, very alert soldier.

We would have laughed, because, you see,
we both crept round the far end

together and bumped into each other.

Oh, I said to him, you do not give me a
turn.

Did you or not, did you see an elephant?

No, not one.

We went out by the cookhouse.

As instructed, sir.

What did you discover?

It's soya links for dinner.

Any sign of any elephants?

No, sir.

What about you, Gunner?

Gunner Sugden, sir. Gunner Sugden. What
about you?

I didn't go nowhere, sir. Why not? I was
in reserve.

Ah, yes, of course.

You've got a hell of a lot to answer
for, you know. Indeed he has, sir. And

is he doing coming in here with the
recce parties?

I was going to give him one of my chips.

Shut up!

Try to make it up!

Shut up!

You'd be like sticking your head through
the bottle of his window.

Sergeant Major Thob, I've got a secret.

What's all the secret?

Don't stop. I can tell you where you can
find the naughty elephant.

Right, quick.

Let me help with it.

Out here, Sergeant Major Thob, by the
concert party basher. Right, offer him

quickly. No, no, stay down. If we rush
out there, we might frighten him away.

Quite right. We'll stroll out there as
though we're doing our usual business.

Keep your voices down.

I'm too frightened to talk.

What are you doing in there, Ashwood?

I'm manning the control center, sir.

Move it out there.

Yes, sir.

The elephant seems quiet enough,

sir. Yes.

What do we do next?

Somebody should approach the honeymoon,
sir. Yes, quite right. Who?

Can't force, sir.

Good idea. Go ahead.

Senator Sudden, approach.

Good afternoon.

How are you? Have you seen me?

Help, my poor.

Don't see many of them, and so he holds
street bummer.

Shut up. How are you going on?

There's no reply.

Yes, well, you deal with it, Sergeant
Major, and report to us in the battery

office as soon as you've seen it off the
cap.

I'll be in the control centre.

This poses something of a problem, does
it not?

Oh, this poses something of a problem?

Well, it's obvious, isn't it?

I mean, he's got his ears shut.

What are you talking about?

Well, look at that great big flap thing
over at the ear hole.

No wonder it can't hear.

Miss Hogan, lift up that flap. I'm
talking.

Yes, Sergeant Major.

Not too loud, mind.

Cue me.

I think he heard me.

He whittled something.

What do you need? There's an elephant,
Tom.

Yeah, or Fabu, the elephant boy.

We need a marmite.

A what? A marmite.

A marhout.

That's right. What are those?

What we need is a rope.

It's around in the prop basket, Sergeant
Major.

Here, Archie.

There's a boy with observation and
initiative.

Yes, Sergeant Major, it's my Widow
Twanky one from the Aladdin.

Well, you go and get it. Go on, go on.
Move yourself, move yourself!

Yes, sir, the whole affair is completely
under control.

Yes, my Sergeant Major intends to pass a
rope round the animal so we can more or

less do what we like with it.

Gently, of course.

Bombardier!

What the hell is you doing? Hurry up
with that rope!

I'm sorry, Sergeant Major.

But it was the bottom of my basket under
my Ginger Rogers and Ruby Keeler.

Shabby dick.

When we get to the rope, we will make a
noose on it and put it round the

elephant's leg.

That should be very interesting.

That should be very interesting.

If you and your university education can
come up with a better idea, perhaps

you'll let me know in due course.

Here I am.

Spread the rope out and tie a noose in
it.

Or when there is a crisis.

We British are so daring and so brave.

And so stupid.

Check out your own attachment.

Right. Now, will I give the... The
property of

Beaumont, what the hell is this?

Sergeant Major, it's my widow Twanky
washing line, you see. I sing Limehouse

Laundry Blues and I finish up like this.

Gets the hoot.

Get him off.

There speaks the voice of experience.

Shut up!

I'm sorry, Sergeant Major. Take hours.
There are wires on.

Bombardier, I is not leading a heliport
through the streets of Doolally on a

line full of red bloomers. Can I go?

I've got a pair of scissors, Sergeant
Major.

There you are, see?

Indianuity. That's what we need in this
man's army. Good boy.

Go get him. He's set about to double.

In the meantime, who is going to tackle
the problem of getting the rope round

some portion of this elephant's anatomy?

I'm going sick.

Stand fast, Gunner Sundin.

All we got to do is to place the noose
beside the elephant's left leg.

Watch it.

So, now, Gunner's Clark, Heaven's
Macintosh, stand by on

that rope.

Well, you says right, Sergeant Major.

Yes. You know scissors, Sergeant Major.

They're very sharp.

Yes, well, it would be a pity to blunt
them, boy, wouldn't it?

We'll carry on as we is.

The question remains, how do we get the
elephant foot into the noose?

Elephants, Mr. Lardy Dog and a grey ham,
is incorrigible mimics. You shows them

what to do, they follow sweet.

He is going to play a little game of
foot in the noose.

Blast his tail a moment ago. Does that
mean he's getting the message?

Very likely.

Stand by.

Something might happen at any moment.

Don't forget.

When I says right, you pull that rope
and do not let go.

Now, come here, you.

Put your foot in.

Put your foot out.

isn't thickhead.

Pay attention when I'm talking to you.

Put your foot in right.

Only a small sprain, sir.

How did it happen? Did that elephant
savage you?

Not exactly, sir, but he was at the root
of it.

I'm sure there's very little to worry
about. An expert in these matters will

arrive tomorrow.

But of course, the elephant may well
have left by then.

He seems pretty happy here, sir.

Ah, but you're reckoning without Factor
X.

What exactly is that, sir?

Lunch.

Lunch, sir? Yes, we happen to know
elephants eat four bales of hay per day.

Now, he's bound to be hungry, and
there's hardly anything to eat around

And that is Factor X.

Oh, heavens!

What on earth was that?

Factor Y, sir.

Some of these bushes is made of a sort
of hay.

Sid, look.

Sir, the elephant's just had his lunch.

I think that I shall never be seeing.

What are you doing, Ashwood?

I'm piecing up a dancer.

Well, there's no room. Sit down.

It seems as if shooting her seems as a
cruel thing to do. There's nothing else

for it. He needs us out of house and
home, literally.

He's just not like you, sir.

That's not my idea.

It's an order from the area commander.

Shoot him, he said.

And that's what has to be done.

Fire squad!

Fire squad, come!

I'll pay attention.

them contains live bullets.

One of them contains a blank.

Thus any one of you can delude himself
that he has not shot the elephant.

Although the odds are six to one that he
has.

Although the odds is six to one. Shut
up.

Bring on the rifles and give them out.

Give them out to the double.

Who do you think you is? The Sheikh of
Arabi?

That's for him.

What are you talking about?

So he can't see when we murder him.

Get a second, this is not murder.

This is legal execution.

We is acting under orders from a higher
authority.

And it is my job to implement them
orders, even though it might be tearing

heart out.

However, I is a humane man, if you wish
it to.

Blindfold that elephant. I will not stop
you. Move yourself, move yourself.

Now, on the order, take aim. You will
take aim.

Take aim!

Oh, hide my eyes, Mohammed.

I cannot bear to look.

Can a shaman do what you ask to do and
get back into line?

Get back into line with the double boy.

I'm stopping here.

I ordered you to get back into line.
Move yourself.

I'm not shifting.

Shuggan, I'll give you one more chance.
Get back into line!

I'm not having you shoot him. He's only
a little elephant.

Right. Fall into man, you and you.

I said fall into man!

boys doing with my elephant?

It's not yours.

Of course it is mine. I have logging
camp and I'm using elephant for the

land. But this one, I cannot train.

All the time, he forgets.

Now I've heard everything.

An elephant with amnesia.

You naughty, naughty, naughty boy. I am
not understanding you.

I am buying him from a circus.

And would you believe this?

He's doing a dance to music and standing
on his legs in the circus.

But me, I cannot even make him sit down.

The circus?

Of course, I've got it. Lottie, when you
first met him, were you singing?

I might have been.

Come to think of it, I was. Gentleman
Rankin.

Oh, sing again.

We're two little lambs who have lost our
way.

We're little black sheep who have gone
astray.

Ba, ba,

ba.

Lofty, try leading him out of the camp.

education comes in very handy when it
comes to dealing with little elephants

what is suffering from magnesium.

You know, there's an old Hindu proverb
which say, if you see an elephant

a necklace of coconuts, this does not
mean it is a feminine elephant.

Oh no, it could be Roman a Catholic
elephant.

hey hey

The boys are here. The boys to entertain
you.

B -O -Y -N.