All language subtitles for it_ain_t_half_hot_mum_s04e04_ticket_to_blighty

Meet the gang cause the boys are here,
the boys to entertain you.

With music and laughter to help you on
your way to raising the rafters with a

hey, hey, hey.

With thong and catches and jokes old and
new. With us to butt, you and Bill

Blue. So meet the gang cause the boys
are here, the boys to entertain you.

B -O -B -O -Y -S, boys to entertain you.

Oh, my goodness, what's going down?

The cancer party are in very big
trouble.

Sergeant Major Shutterthorpe has told
Colonel Tharpe that they are all pale,

weak, and flabby.

And Colonel Tharpe has given him
permission to build them up and give

big muscles.

But Bombardier Gloria Tharpe has told
Sergeant Major Tharpe that if he has the

big muscles, it will not look right when
he wears the Rita Hayworth dress in

this show.

in the concert party today.

Where are they? Oh, they are all after
Sergeant Major Saab. And he is giving

them plenty of P .T. Oh, he cannot give
them P .T. I am the official chawala,

and I am the only one who is allowed to
sell tea.

You are a fool.

P .T. is not for drinking.

It is to make you big and strong.

Oh, blimey. Look, go.

Go, go, go.

So long, Colonel Mentharp. Where can I
find Colonel Reynolds? In battery

Colonel Mentharp. You're a sloppy man.
Pull yourself together.

That belt on your turban's crooked. Go
on, straighten it up.

Colonel Mentharp, I always wear it in
the... Silence!

In the future, you're going to wear it
like this.

That's better.

Colonel Reynolds?

There, sir.

What can I do for you, Colonel... Not
Colonel, Colonel.

In the ATS, the rank of Lieutenant
Colonel is known as Chief Commander.

I'm Chief Commander Cripple. Well, we
were actually expecting you. Won't you

down, Chief? Oh, thank you so much.
Astrid, get her a chair for the Chief.

There you are, Chief.

Your quarter's quite comfortable, Chief.

Oh, yes, yes, indeed. My gals are
settling in nicely.

As you know, we're in transit and we
shall only be here for three days.

So I've issued instructions to my gals
for the remainder of our stay here.

The men's quarters will be strictly out
of bounds to all ranks.

Well, we don't want any of that sort of
thing, do we? No, no, we don't want any

of that sort of thing, do we, Ashford?

No, sir, we certainly don't want any of
that sort of thing.

Uh, what sort of thing?

I'm going to make you fit if it's the
last thing I do.

Out and let's destroy Corvus! And two,
and two, and two.

There's actually nothing to worry about
as far as my men are concerned.

The Sergeant Major's putting them
through an intensive course of physical

training. Blended.

There's nothing like it for keeping
their minds off lewd thoughts.

away from my girls.

I've got quite enough to worry about
with the normal men.

One thing, I should need all the papers
for your girls.

I need to get them stamped and all that
sort of thing. I'd bring them over first

thing in the morning.

Good day, Colonel.

Good day, Chief.

That's right.

Keep it up.

Morning, Paul.

Mom, do you hear what she called you?

Hexler. Clawed in.

Hairy.

Well, that is the understatement of all
time, don't I?

Yes, Sergeant Minister. Inside my box
you will find a set of boxing gloves.

Go and get them.

Yes, Sergeant Minister.

Right. Let's see how you get on with
some pressure. Space Star was on the

move.

Grab hold of each end of this. You will
assist him.

Shut up.

Is you ready?

Down.

What's the matter with you?

My car is too heavy.

I will toughen you lot up if it is the
last thing I do.

Get properly fell in.

Put it down.

Right.

Now, I is going to teach you the noble
heart.

of self -defense.

Get these gloves on.

I think I ought to point out that I
don't approve of boxing, Sergeant Major.

Why don't you approve of boxing,
Sergeant Major?

Let me tell you, Gunner Graham, you is
going to box whether you like it or not.

But scientists have proved that even a
light blow to the head can cause the

brain to vibrate inside the skull.

Well, you've got nothing to worry about.

With all your university education and
learning, Your brain is so enormous,

got no room to vibrate.

In fact, it is rubbing against the
inside of your skull so hard, it has

all your air out.

On the other hand,

Gunner Sugden's brain is so small, it
will vibrate inside his head like a bell

clapper.

Right.

Now, the first thing you've got to
remember is to lead with the left.

Yes. Go on, try it.

Remove their glasses.

Now, I'm going to give you an
opportunity to have a go at your

All right.

Come on in.

Try and hit me.

Come on. What are you afraid of?

Get out on

purpose, do you? It does to hit you,
Sergeant Major.

When I says, start, you start.

When I says, stop, you run around to the
end of the line. All right?

Start. Come on, stop.

Stop! Stop!

Stop! Come on.

How are you, lovely boy?

What will you have done, bruv?

Mmm.

Bash a grail.

I can't really see you without my
glasses, Sergeant Major.

Oh, dear.

Oh, sad. Never mind.

Here I am.

Start.

Right,

Sutton.

Start still.

I'll give you permission to hit me as
hard as you can.

I'm not very good unless I get cross.

You is a short -bottomed little runt.

I don't know me own strength.

There is something about this soldier.

Something about this soldier. Oh, shut
up. Do not pack a punch. I've got a

bruise coming up. I can't go on like
this. I'm an artiste.

I'm no use to that sort of thing.

He's getting physical. Next thing you
know, he'll be having us flogged. Yeah,

but he never even gives us a chance to
hit him back. Look, he can bend the

any way he likes.

Well, I've had enough.

My nerves won't stand anymore.

I've reached breaking point.

Oh, God, is there no way out of this
hell?

Why don't we go work our tickets and get
back home?

We've tried everything. It's never
worked.

Yes, that's because we've always
dissipated our effort. We should follow

example of the trade unions and work
together.

After all... you can break one stick
across your knee very easily. But you'd

never be able to break a whole bundle
like that.

You could if you had a saw.

What they say is quite right there, sir.
Many years ago, us bearers went on

strike for higher wages and farmed trade
unions.

Then, sir, we had a meeting with Chief
Contractor Tharp and we told him that we

were going to stick together like the
bundle of sticks.

And, sir, we even showed him those
sticks.

And what did he do?

Sir, he took those sticks... And he beat
the bloody hell out of us.

In those prisoner of war films, they
form an escape committee and then draw

to choose which one's going to escape.

Then all the others, they help him.

Well, why don't we form a work your
ticket committee?

That's a very good suggestion, Parky.

I can do it when I try.

Just because I'm good looking don't mean
I'm stupid.

Right, right. Right, we'll draw lots.

Agreed? Yes.

Yes!

Oh, blimey, I have won. I'm going home
to Blighty.

Put it back, you bird. You live here.

I was forgetting.

Three. That's no good.

Your turn, Gloria.

The queen. The queen. I'll pick the
queen.

Fairly appropriate.

You're only jealous because I won.

Hey,

Gloria.

Hugo, what's going to happen to the
concert party?

There'll be nobody here to produce the
shows. Well, that's simple. I'll take

over. We'll just shift the emphasis and
do a better class of show.

Poetry readings and piano recitals.

That means I can do something I've
always wanted to do. Paint a big naked

on my belly, eh? And when I do that...
She dances.

It's very high class.

That is right, sir. You can do the Hindu
dancing.

It is artistic, romantic and almost
totally obscene.

Come on, fellas. What ideas have you got
for getting me home? Well, it's not

going to be easy.

Hey, listen, fellas. When I was working
in the battery office, I saw this

document which listed the reasons for
granting men their discharge.

What were they?

Well, it was some time ago now. I know
one was for a stomach ulcer.

That's possible.

Or a pot suey.

What's a pot suey?

It's short for potential suicide.

It means you go around trying to kill
yourself all the time.

Well, I could try that.

Well, better luck you might succeed.

Was there anything else?

Well, yeah.

Temperamentally unsuited for army life.

Well, what does that mean?

Well, it means you're like that.

Like what?

Like that.

What happens if you're like that and
like that?

You don't get in in the first place.

Sergeant Major Shutup said when I asked
him, in fact, he said it was like you,

Gloria.

Sheik, I'm not like that.

I mean, I may stand like that.

But I'm not like that.

Hey,

you could pretend to be like that.

Oh, yeah, I could pretend to be like
that.

I wouldn't mind being like that if I
could go home to Blighty. It's a small

price to pay.

There you are, Gloria. From now on,
you're temperamentally unfuted for army

life. The sergeant major thinks you're
like that, so you're halfway there

already. All you've got to do is to
convince everyone that you've finally

flipped your lid, and we'll back you up.

Don't you worry, sir. If all else fails,
we will help you to commit your

suicide.

Mohamed? I cannot understand why Gloria
Saab wants to leave this wonderful

British army.

It is a great puzzlement, Rangi. What
bigger jahi can there be than to be in

British army, huh?

Three whole meals in one day.

Be comfortable charpoet to sleep on in
nice basha. On top of all that, 35

rupees in every week.

That is a vast fortune.

Just think of it, Mohammed.

Three whole British pounds.

In every week.

Even a Maharaja does not have such
wealth. And so, in order to leave this

paradise, Gloria Saab is going to
pretend that he is like that.

What? He's going to pretend that he's a
fly swatter?

You ruddy fool.

Doing like that is not for swatting the
fly.

Say, Ulu.

Ranji ka matlab hai ke Gloria sahab
hinge rahe hain. Yani ke AC, DC.

Don't be such clever dicky.

It's hard to believe you're really a
man.

You know me, fellas. When I act a part,
I throw myself into it, body and soul.

What the hell are you playing at, child?
What I?

I'm filling teas up.

Shut up!

How many times have I told you you will
not sell tea? What I is take a parade.

Now get that dirty, filthy child.

rehearsing when I says get on parade,
you will come on parade in uniform.

I'm in uniform.

You were supposed to be a bombardier in
the Royal Artillery.

I'm a bombardier in the Royal Artillery.

Then why is you dressed as a tart?

As a member of the ATS, I resent that.

It's partly what you rough soldiers may
think. We are ladies.

And if you call me a tart again, I shall
report you to Madam, my superior

officer.

What is the third matter?

As to report, we's in a bit of trouble
by here, sir.

Something which I has feared for a long
time has finally come to pass.

Now, what's that?

Look out of the window, sir.

What's that attractive -looking ATS
girl?

She's an absolute corker, sir.

Hands off, Ashford. I saw her first.

I saw you to shatter your delusion, sir.

But that is Bombardier Bowman, and I
think he has finally turned.

Good heavens!

How do you think we ought to tackle
this, Sergeant Major?

Take them stripes off his arm, sir. I'm
afraid in the glasshouse.

No, no. We mustn't be too hasty.

After all, he's very valuable to us
running the shows.

But we can't have him doing that sort of
thing, can we?

This climate does do odd things to
people, sir.

Yes, I quite agree. We could be dealing
with something out of the ordinary here.

Better send him in.

Come in.

Salve, get him a chair.

Now, just sit down, relax. I just want
to have a little chat with you. Thank

you, sir.

Are you a spirit down in front of an
officer?

I shouldn't be, but here are my rights,
you know.

I mean, I don't think it's right my
being in a basher with six men.

Besides, I think you'll find it's
against King's regulations.

Is it against King's regulations, Father
Miller?

Everything about him is against King's
regulations.

Look, I don't want to cause you a lot of
trouble.

I mean, I know you've got enough
troubles with your own, what with trying

the war and all that.

But, um, do you think somebody could
build me a bamboo cubicle around my bed?

Would you excuse me one moment, Father?

Oh, just a moment.

I'd drop one.

Perhaps we'd better wait our time on the
parade ground.

We'll call you if we need you.

And could you possibly ask them if they
were dismissed?

Yes.

Allow me.

We've got a tricky one here, Sergeant
Maynard.

There is nothing wrong with him, sir,
that doubling around the barrack square

with full kit on would not cure.

That's how they used to treat mental
patients in the 17th century.

Chain them up.

flog them and throw buckets of water
over them.

That might work even better, sir.

Hey, you!

What are you doing here? Oh, me?

Come here.

Come here!

How dare you talk to those men? You know
as well as I do the men's lines are out

of bounds.

What's your name?

Beaumont. Corporal Beaumont.

I don't seem to recognise your face.

Oh, well, you must be one of my gals.
There are no other acts around here.

And as for you men, if I catch you
talking to any of my gals again in that

lascivious manner, you'll all be up on a
charge.

All right, dismissed.

Floppy corporal, pull yourself together.
Your things are crooked. Go on,

straighten them up.

And you've got too much lipstick on.

I'm going to charge first thing in the
morning.

Let's do it.

Quick, march.

Let's do it.

Let's do it.

Let's do it.

Let's do it.

Let's do it. Let's do it.

We'll be confined here in the guard room
until tomorrow when you'll be brought

up before madam first thing in the
morning. It's all a mistake?

Yes, that's what they all say.

Here, get this place cleaned up.

I must say.

I can't really blame you, dear, all
those wonderful men over there, but we

be strong.

Stop! Stop!

You must tell them that you are a man.

No, I don't want to. Don't you
understand?

They're playing into my hand.

Stop! Pardon me, the top is over on this
way now, and he is raising like water

buffalo.

That's his fault. He'll only look a
fool, won't he?

Stop! You must escape. I don't want to
escape.

Do it now!

Forward!

We've had enough of this nonsense.

Get this uniform on.

I've got my uniform on.

Cut up and get it on.

I will not put on men's clothes.

What do you take me for, a transvestite?

together. He wanted me to put on men's
clothes.

You pervert.

It's a man, ma 'am. Any fool can see
it's a man.

Just because this poor girl happens to
have a plain, homely face, you insult

her.

I think I've put my arms round a man.

And a common soldier at that.

My eyes at me.

I have been through a very humiliating
experience, sir.

It's your own fault, Sergeant Major.

You shouldn't have gone dashing over
there like that on your own.

You yourself said, sir, that it should
be handled in a very subtle way.

I hardly think tearing Beaumont's
clothes off was the answer.

But all this leads me to believe that...

Vermont may actually think he's a woman.

If we let him get away with it, sir,
other men may get the idea of dressing

as women to get out of the army.

Now, what if everybody does it?

Be jolly confusing for the Japanese.

Right, then, stage two, the pot suey
bit. Here, give me that one at the back.

Right.

Gloria, I don't think it's necessary for
you to go as far as this. Look, I'm not

taking any chances.

Now, fill that up with peppermint.
Right.

And Mohammed!

Mohammed! Yes, Gloria? Right, come here,
come here. Now, listen.

When I'm climbing up onto the roof, I
want you to nip round the back of the

battery battery, you see, look through
the back window and attract the

of the colonel. I'll shut up, right?

Right.

I still think Beaumont is having a
changeau.

Well, the psychiatrists will soon find
out. I've made arrangements for Beaumont

to meet him tomorrow.

Not today, thank you.

Right, fellas, help me up.

There you go.

Clear off!

Ready, Randy?

All ready, Gloria.

Free tea, sir. I'll give you free
sample.

A bottle of aspirin.

I'm all confused.

looking for trouble there. Leave it to
Sergeant Major. He knows what he's

Get him upside down!

They used a stomach pump.

It was terrible.

I've no idea what they did to me.

Oh, look, go away, Lofty. Leave me in
peace.

I can't go away. You're a pot suey.

We've got orders to watch you day and
night in case you try and kill yourself.

You mean they believe me?

It worked!

I've got my ticket. I'm going home.

How are we today?

I feel very weak.

That's not to be expected.

Right, soldier, you can go now.

But I'm supposed to watch him in case
he... Don't worry.

I'll keep an eye on him.

Oh, well.

Ta -ra, then.

Ta -ra.

I seem to recognise your face.

Aren't you that clever boy that runs the
concert party?

I'm sorry?

I've seen several of your shows.

I do so admire artistic men.

Do you?

The trouble is, one so rarely meets an
artistic man out here.

Oh, it's all wrong.

Someone as sensitive as you shouldn't be
in the army.

Well, that's why I keep on telling them.

You poor chap.

You're so confused.

Yes, I'm confused.

You look like a little boy lying there.

Would you like me to kiss you goodnight?

Are you still confused?

being granted his discharge.

He should not be allowed to get away
with it, sir. Oh, these psychiatrists

what they're doing, you know.

According to the report, he's
temperamentally unsuited to army life.

Poor chap doesn't know whether he's a
man or woman.

Come in.

Ah, don't want.

Glad you're out of hospital.

We don't want to lose you, of course.

We're all sorry you're so confused. Must
be a great worry to you.

I'm not confused anymore, sir.

I've fallen in love.

And it's the first time it's ever
happened to me, sir.

I want permission to get married,
please.

You mean you want to marry a man?

No, sir.

A sister.

That's worse than I thought.

You want to marry your sister?

No, sir.

A nursing sister.

You know, there's a very old Hindu
proverb which says, If you want to get

ticket out of the army, there's no use
going down to the railway station and

asking for half -price fare.

Remember, a wholesaler does not make a
half -soldier.

The boys are here, the boys to entertain
you.

Three!

It's boys to entertain you!