All language subtitles for it_ain_t_half_hot_mum_s04e03_a_fate_worse_than_death

Meet the gang cause the boys are here.
The boys to entertain you.

With music and laughter to help you on
your way. To raising the rafters with a

hey, hey, hey.

With thongs and catches and jokes over
you.

With us to dance, you and Bill Blue. So
meet the gang cause the boys are here.

The boys to entertain you.

B -O -B -O -Y -S. Boys to entertain you.

My goodness, what a terrible happening
in the center of the night.

Here we all are on the northwest
frontier of India, where we are going to

show. And we have camped here for the
sleeping.

Unfortunately, the wicked batons have
captured Colonel Saab's lady love, Ma

Saab Wadil of Evans.

And now they have thrown a sack over the
wall.

But what is in the sack, huh?

Is it a piece?

There's only one way to find out.

Somebody must open that sack.

Yes, Sergeant Major.

Open that sack.

Me? Yes, you.

No, no, no, Sergeant Major, I
understood.

After all, Mrs. Waddle of Evans is my
responsibility.

I brought her here.

Oh, I can't look.

It's a melon.

Thank God.

There's a note stuck to it, sir.

What's it say, bearer?

Excuse me, sir.

What's it say?

They say, sir, they want all your
rifles.

And they're booked back.

Otherwise, Memtab Wadil of Heavens will
be in the sack.

There's rather a lot of it to go in that
little sack.

Or Ed, or Ed!

Oh, this is terrible, Sergeant Major.
Every time I close my eyes, I can see

in the hands of those brutes, completely
at their mercy.

We must get after her at once.

Oh, it's too dark out there now, sir, to
find anything. We'd better wait till

dawn. You're quite right, Sergeant
Major.

Now, pay attention, chaps.

That poor, frail little lady is out
there on her own at the mercy of those

swans.

She's completely defenseless.

Think of the ordeal she is going
through.

As soon as it is light, we will go and
find her and bring her back.

I need hardly remind you.

that the Patans will stick at nothing.

To get their hands on an Englishwoman
like Mrs. Waddle of Ebbs is a big thing

them.

It's a big thing for anybody.

If we fail, next time it may not be a
melon that is in the sack.

Are there any questions?

Yes, sir.

Can I have the melon?

You know, it's a funny thing, but we
British can't start the day without a

good breakfast.

Right, carry on, Sergeant Major. Right,

let me boys!

Get your rifles, ammunition, move
yourselves, move yourselves!

Sergeant Major, I shall need a man to
stay behind to guard the fort.

Sir, get a partner.

Yes, Sergeant Major?

Stay behind and guard the fort.

But I want to go with the action,
Sergeant Major. I know how you feel,

Major, but you will stay behind and
guard the fort.

Excuse me, Sergeant Major.

We're going to look pretty conspicuous
out there in the open country.

Don't you think we ought to disguise
ourselves, Sergeant Major?

Ought to disguise ourselves, Sergeant
Major?

And what does you think we should
disguise ourselves as, Mr. Naughty Dog,

grave flaming rocks?

I thought Indians, actually.

Oh, I thought Indians, actually.

Hang on a minute, Sergeant Major, that's
not a bad idea.

Get Bombardier Beaumont over here, will
you? Bombardier Beaumont!

Oh, you're up to double, up to double,
we shall, we shall!

Have you got any costumes we could use
that would make us look like patans?

Well, I've got the Riff costume from the
Desert Song scene.

I mean, they might do.

Right, Sergeant Major.

Get the men to the Desert Song costumes,
will you?

Desert Song costumes?

Move yourselves!

How do you think we look, Sergeant
Major?

Very good, sir.

What's that?

There's no Arabs on the northwest front
here.

Sergeant Major, sir. Shut up. What?
Sergeant Major, sir. I can make you look

like a baton if you will permit me to
adjust your dress.

Get off!

Let him do it. Carry on.

At your command, sir.

Pardon me, Sergeant Major, sir.

Good. And now, sob, I'm going to turn
your talbous into turban.

What are you

doing,

Asher?

You told us to change into the Desert
Song costumes.

This was the only one that was left.

Come here.

Look, the whole point of our being in
these costumes is we look like the local

patins.

They'd hardly have an officer from the
French Foreign Legion, would they?

Oh, pity.

I'd rather like to wear it. I mean, it's
awfully smart.

Well, you can't. Go and take it off at
once and don't be such a silly arse.

What shall I put on, then? No, that's
the point.

The bombardier, by the way.

Oh, sir.

Oh, you look very smart.

Thanks awfully.

Look, what else have you got for Captain
Ashford to wear?

Well, the only thing I can do, ma 'am,
is either a French tart or a Father

Christmas.

You'd better stay behind and guard the
fort, whether the gunner, whatever his

name is. Right, follow him in, sir,
madam.

Right, don't move his hand by himself!

Come on, come on, come on!

Not you, not you!

Sir, madam.

Hi.

How do you think they look?

Well, we might pass as batons from a
distance, sir, but we is too clean, sir.

Good point.

the men on the ground.

Right.

On the command, you will fall down and
roll yourself on the ground.

Sergeant Major, I haven't just had these
costumes washed.

Shut up.

Falling down, rolling on the ground,
begin.

I beg your pardon, sir.

I does not think that we should roll on
the ground in front of the men, but for

discipline. Good thinking, Sergeant
Major.

We'll go into the shoe and do it. Ah.

We have no costume to wear. You ruddy
fool.

We are already dressed as Indians.

I don't see why you should be the one to
stay behind. Just because old shut -up

thinks he's your dad.

I don't want to stay behind, Nobby. I'd
much rather come with you fellas.

Where wouldn't he be in this mess if it
hadn't been for the colonel bringing his

fancy woman with him? Women always cause
trouble.

Some bloke can't go five minutes without
one.

I can.

And I'm very hot -blooded.

Leave that stinking chow down behind
there. You're just compromised with that

thing, Clankin. Bring the water
chuggles, though. We need plenty of

there. But this man, Ramzan, is worth
laugh like a laugh. He will follow the

trail and lead us to Mamthar
Bodiloveven. What do you think, Sergeant

Well, give it a try, sir.

Shall I get one of Mr.

Bodiloveven's hankies for him to smell?

What on earth for?

So that he can pick up her scent.

I don't want a punk of water smelling
her hankies.

Besides, he's not a bloodhound.

He's ready to move off, sir. Right.

Good luck, sir, and au revoir.

Thank you. Thank you, Ashford.

Right, squad, ho!

Now, listen, chaps, we're going out
there to bring back Mrs. Waterlover.

Remember, the honour of an English lady
is at stake.

Left turn, forward.

Left, left, left, right, left.

Well, Parkins, it's up to us to hold the
fort.

Yes, sir.

Don't look so worried. I shall be here
with you.

What's the matter, sir? We can't get
out. Some fool's locked the door.

I'm most awfully sorry, sir.

Forward!

Hi -ho, hi -ho.

As off to work we go.

Just keep on thinking all day long. Hi
-ho, hi -ho. All right.

All out for a smoke.

Control yourself! Control yourself!

You're like a lot of rabble.

Supposed to be soldiers.

I can't stand much more of this
Paderewski. Neither can I. This heat is

debilitating. I'm so hot I feel like
taking all my flesh off and sitting in

bones.

I think somebody has already done that.

What are you talking about, Randy?

Come quick, Tom.

Sergeant Major and the Colonel. I've
never seen a real -life Skellington

I vote you'll go home at once, this
instance.

There, Tom.

Great Scott.

This is awful, Sergeant Major.

You don't think it's Mrs Waddle of
Evans, do you?

Of course not, sir. She's only been gone
six hours.

Nobody could turn into a skeleton in
that time.

These have all earned.

Oh, Sergeant Major Pub, out here in
India you can be skeleton jolly quickly.

First come the pie dogs, then the
vultures, then the kite hawks, then the

and then come the little ants to tidy
up.

The ants not coming too soon, sir.

Otherwise they get eaten by the crows.

Shut up!

If it were her, there'd be rings on the
hand.

I'm afraid them batons would have
pinched them, sir.

Just a minute, sir. There's something
gleaming under the ant by you.

It's an apony, sir.

Help me?

Whoever it was died with their hand on
the right knee.

This?

It's hers.

She's left a note.

Dear Charles, don't worry.

It's not me. Thank God.

I have not given up hope.

I know that you and your brave men will
rescue me.

Gallant little woman.

You all right, sir?

I was afraid I might break down in front
of the men.

But when I think of her out there in the
hands of those swines, it's... It's too

much.

Do not crack up now, sir.

We will find her steady, sir.

Thank you, Sergeant Major.

Well, chaps, we're going on. We've got
to save Mrs. Waddle of Evans.

I need hardly remind you that if
anything happens to her, I'm going to

pretty awkward explaining to do to her
husband.

He's going to have to do some explaining
to her husband in any case.

You blithering idiot!

You brought us round in a big circle!
We're back where we started!

My son!

My goodness!

What on earth happened, Ashwood?

Damn cheek!

As soon as you left the fort, they came
in.

Why didn't you put up a fight?

We tried to, sir, but they took us by
surprise.

Oh, well, I'm sure, sir, if they hadn't
been taking my surprise gun apart, you

would have put up a fight to the last,
wouldn't you, boy? Oh, yeah, I would

fought to the last, Sergeant Major. Well
done, good boy, very brave.

The Tarns left this note for you, sir.
Right.

Why does everyone keep leaving notes?
Shut up!

Get in there, it's translated.

What's your colonel's up?

Come on, come on!

Sorry, sir. We shall wait at the Nala
until the

sun reaches its zenith and you are all
very thirsty.

Then you will hand over your guns or the
lady will be in the back.

Send only one man.

with the guns.

Colonel Sarp, there is a P .S. in
English.

Try to be on time.

Love death.

And, Colonel Sarp, they have also drawn
a map which will show where we can find

the nunner.

What do you suppose they mean by that
bit about the zenith and you're all very

thirsty? Well, they've emptied all our
water chuckles. We've nothing to drink.

Chawla! Yes, Sergeant Minister Sarp?

How much tea you got left in that
stinging urn of yours?

No tea left, sir.

Patans drink them all.

But they're very honourable people, sir.

They left me two rupees.

What about the water we took with us?

All gone, sir. Concert party, very
thirsty.

Could I have a word with you, sir?

Yes, of course.

I asked to report we're in a bit of
trouble by here, sir.

We cannot last more than a few hours in
this heat without water.

If we hand over those rifles, I shall
face a cop marshal.

I'll do something, sir.

What do you think, Ashford?

I think we ought to, uh, ought to, uh...
It's a tricky one, sir.

Excuse me, sir.

How dare you burst into a Hofstra's
conference going to Graham?

I've got an idea, Sergeant Major. I've
got an idea, Sergeant Major. Let him

his say. Carry on.

Well, the batons said in their notes,
sir, send one man with all the rifles.

Well, why don't we send someone with the
wooden rifles from the Desert Throne

theme? And then we can follow at a
distance, and when the batons break

get the rifles, we can let them have it.

Let them have what?

Kill them or capture them, sir.

Thank you, Graham. We'll let you know.

Sir.

I say, sir, that Gunner Graham's jolly
clever.

He ought to be an officer.

And just because he's got brains doesn't
mean he ought to be an officer.

Only the same, sir. It is a good plan.

Hmm? What? Oh, yes, of course.

Now, you'd better get a... You'd better
get a volunteer.

Sir. Right!

Come on, come on, come on.

Right,

now pay attention, lovely boys.

Your officers have just had a conference
and this is our plan.

One man will go out to meet the Patans.
He will be carrying the dummy rifles and

we will be covering him from a distance.

When the bandits break cover to collect
these rifles, we will surround them.

Any questions?

Yes, Sergeant Major.

If there's any shooting, whoever's
carrying the rifles will be in the

line of fire.

Then he will just have to hit the ground
a bit sharpish.

Mrs. Waddle of Edmonds will also be in
the direct line of fire.

So he'll have to put her on the ground
and throw himself on top of her.

Right. Now then, I want one man for this
task and to fall on top of Mrs. Waddle

of Heavens. This man... I'll go.

I have not selected you to volunteer
yet, Gunnarsug. Dan!

But you're going to, and I can't stand
the suspense.

So I'll go.

Oh, such bravery.

This brings tears to the eyes of every
true blue British heart.

I see, sir. You don't want Gunnar Sugden
throwing himself on top of Mrs. Bottle

of Evans, do you?

Any port in a storm, Ashford.

Right. Now, on the command, fall out. I
want you to search this place for any

liquid that is drinkable. Fall out!

We shall, we shall.

Another little drink, and another little
drink, and another little drink. Right,

we will tip everything into the chahun.

Sergeant Major, stop.

I'll give you a very special price for
the hire of my tiern.

One rupee only.

Get stuffed.

What have we got? I've emptied half the
water out of the truck radiators,

Sergeant Major. Tip it in, tip it in.
They are empty. Just up.

Rusty! Yeah! Two bottles of gin,
Sergeant Major. Sorry.

I took hers up.

Got the first aid box, Sergeant Major.
It's quite a bottle, the knack.

Camerline motion.

Tip it in.

I just haven't made a thought.

Anything else?

The bottle of syrup of figs here,
Sergeant Major.

I don't think we ought to put that in,
boy.

Well, if we add this bottle of
chloridine, Sergeant Major, that'll

the effects of the syrup of figs.

Thank you, Professor Einstein.

There is no doubt about it, a university
education comes in very handy for

stopping the action of cyberfakes
pouring both in.

Now, listen, chaps.

We will only drink this mixture in the
case of extreme emergency.

Sorry, Major.

While we're dealing with the Patans, I
want you to send the truck to Kohat to

get help.

Ah.

My dear Beaumont. Yes, Major.

Take that as Graham Clark and Hammond's
in the truck.

Yes, Captain Major.

Right. Are there any questions?

Yes, sir.

Can I try the mixture?

This map that Bataan's left, the nuller
for the rendezvous is about a mile away

in that direction.

Right, Gunner Sugden, this is where we
pass company.

Give him the dummy rifle.

Go on, go on.

We'll wait for the patans to come out to
collect the rifles.

When do I throw myself on top of Mrs.
Waddell of Evans?

When you're both on the ground, we will
move in.

Is that clear?

Yes, Sergeant Major.

Off you go, then.

Good luck, Gunner... Gunner... Hugdon,
sir.

Good luck, Gunner Sugden. I shan't
forget this.

Thanks, sir.

Do you want me to go now, then?

When you blow your whistle, I throw
myself on Mrs Waddell of Evans.

He seems

awfully keen to throw himself on top of
Mrs Waddell of Evans.

Do you think that's why he volunteered,
sir?

Could be, sir.

He knows what they says about little
men.

No, what do they say?

Well, sir, they're supposed to be, uh...

Boots, boots, boots,

boots. Marching down and up again Boots,
boots, boots, boots Marching down and

up again Boots, boots, boots, boots
Marching down and up again There's no

discharge in the war Boots, boots,
boots, boots Marching down and up again

Boots, boots, boots, boots Marching down
and up again Boots, boots, boots, boots

The radiator's boiling over.

I can see that, you burk. You sure
thought we were taking the water out? I

took a little drop. Only took a little
drop?

Well, now what are we going to do?

Oh, no. We could all spit into the
radiator.

You spit to go round, not you.

I've got plenty of spit.

I can't stand that.

I can't stand it.

We're all going to die first.

In this horrible, lonely place.

We're all lost.

With no water.

Nothing but...

Perhaps. It's only about ten miles away.
All we've got to do is to wait until it

gets dark and cools down.

In that case, let's sit in the shade and
wait.

He's made it, sir.

Right. As soon as they come out for the
rifles, blow your whistle.

Then he can throw himself on Mrs. Waddle
of Evans.

Then we can all move in.

The sky's getting a bit dark, sir.

I think there's a sandstorm.

and take a look at it, will you?

Oh, gosh, I'm a fool.

I say I'm most awfully sorry.

I'm afraid I've brought you to the wrong
ruler.

Hi, sir.

Right. Line up with your mug. You tried

perfect.

What's it like?

Not bad.

Another little drink and another little
drink and another little drink

wouldn't do a thing. Thank you.

or until you set up a face that's not
working.

carry them in.

It'll never last till nightfall at this
rate.

I did want to be a star.

That's all I ever wanted to be.

A star.

But I'll never get the chance now.

on a white horse.

It's a mirage.

It's not a mirage.

It's the Colonel's tart.

Why on earth did those patans let you
go?

Well, Charles, it's rather a long story.

You know that patan chief? Well, he
turned out to be a really quite

Wonderful eyes, don't you think?

Come to the point, Gaffney. What
actually happened?

Now, you must admit, Cross, I don't want
you to get the wrong idea.

Do you see, I really had no one to
answer.

You know, there's an old Hindu proverb
which says that if your lady love you

stay out all night and return home next
day on a snow -white horse,

Do not blame her.

These snow white horse have no idea of
time.

B -O -Y -S Boys To Entertain You