All language subtitles for it_ain_t_half_hot_mum_s04e02_kidnapped_in_the_khyber

Meet the gang cause the boys are here,
the boys to entertain you.

With music and laughter to help you on
your way, to raising the robbers with a

hey, hey, hey.

With songs and sketches and jokes old
and new, with us about you and Bill

So meet the gang cause the boys are
here, the boys to entertain you.

B -O -B -O -Y -S, boys to entertain you.

You know, we British are very fine
people. Oh, golly, yes.

We are loyal, oh, yes, and brave and
honest. Oh, golly, gumdrops, yes.

And who I'm asking you is most loyal,
most brave and most honest. You're not

knowing? I'm telling you. It is the
British officer.

Oh, yes, indeed, God save the king.

You can trust the British officer to
thicken sin altogether very nearly.

Do you know why?

Because they are taught at mummy's knee
not to look with sexy eyes at other

man's wife.

Oh, blimey, yes. They are taught when
they are tiny like this. And that is why

they forget.

Colonel Saab.

Colonel Saab has been looking at sexy
eyes with Mrs. Waddle of Evans.

She is wife of Major Waddle of Evans.
And she has been looking at Colonel Saab

with sexy eyes.

It is a terrible sight to behold.

And I've overheard it said in Officer
Smith.

that if they are ever discovered, they
will suffer the most awful punishment.

They will be drummed out of the
brownies.

What are seven nines?

Beg your pardon? What are seven nines?

Hang on a minute.

Sixty -three, sir.

I beg your pardon?

Sixty -three, sir.

Yes, of course they are.

Thanks awfully.

You know, I sometimes think you ought to
be the adjutant and I ought to be the

battery sergeant major.

You've squashed it all over my new saint
book.

Look, it's right on his halo.

I'm sorry, Ashford.

Looks like he's wearing a busby, sir.

I don't think it's very funny.

I've got a signal here, sir, from a
Royal Artillery troop in Kohat.

They've heard about our concert party
and wants to know if we can give them a

show. Where on earth's Kohat?

Northwest Frontier, sir.

I don't want to trade up the Northwest
Frontier to you, Ashford.

Do they have a lot of flies?

Randy, sir. In that case, no.

Put it in the wastepaper basket.

Sergeant Major Saab. Ma 'am, Saab, Wally
Love Evans to see Colonel Saab.

What are you doing?

This is wink, Sergeant Major Saab.

You see, Sergeant Major Saab, I cannot
close right eye and keep left eye open.

So if I do not put hand over left eye,
Saab, I do this.

And this is not wink, Saab. This is
blink.

Shut up.

Mrs. Wally Love Evans would like a word
with you. That is totally correct,

Colonel Saab. Ask her to come in, will
you? That's it, Colonel Saab.

Mentor Waddle of Evans!

Colonel South most pleased to see you!

Mentor Waddle of Evans, Colonel South.

Get out!

Hello, Mrs.

Waddle of Evans.

Morning, Colonel.

What brings you here?

The camp library.

I was changing the books. Ah, yes, yes.

Very small, the camp library.

I'm not in the way, am I?

Yes, I am.

I'll go and inspect something.

Daphne.

Charles.

Bite my ear, Charles.

Not here. Somebody would see.

Oh, I don't care.

My husband never bites my ear and it's
entangled all over my body.

Does it really?

Good Lord.

Charles, he's found out. What,

about your ears?

About us.

He's coming back from the Punjab. He
arrives day after tomorrow.

I say, that's a bit off, isn't it?

Don't leave me, Charles.

No, no, of course not. But what are we
going to do?

Let's... Have it out.

Want him, cards on the table, eyeball to
eyeball.

I don't like the sound of that.

The only way, Charles. Couldn't we write
him a letter or something?

We must be strong.

I must go now, but we must be strong.

Yes, of course.

Don't leave me, Charles.

Don't ever leave me.

Promise you won't ever, ever leave me.
Of course not.

Goodbye.

Sergeant Major, Ashford.

Yes, sir.

I've been thinking about those chaps in
Kohat. I mean, they're just as important

as anybody else.

Let's go up there and give them a show,
shall we?

Oh, I love...

It's bloody murder, isn't it? At least
you've got something to hang on to.

Colonel Tarp, Mems Tarp, Waddle of
Evans, this fine, upstanding white lady

now looking very green.

The motion of the vehicle.

You all right, Daphne?

I'm grinning and bearing it, Charles.

She's not doing much grinning. I know
it's none of my business, but what's she

doing here with us?

Daphne's simple and proper.

She's in welfare, you know.

There's a big wig in libraries and that
sort of thing.

Yes, sir. Well, I mean, why is she
coming on a visit to a Royal Artillery

in co -op with us?

She's going to change their books. We've
only got one book in our house. It's

the rent book.

Well, as sudden, King's regulations
clearly state that gunners will not join

conversation with officers or warrant
officers.

So shut up!

ride this damn thing more evenly.

Yes, we ride. You know what it's like
back there.

You're making Mrs. Waddle of Evans feel
like a pool.

You're making me feel like a pool, too.

Sorry, sir, but it's the bumps and the
potholes, you see. It's jiggling the

wheel that does it. I don't see why you
have to jiggle the wheel. Sir, to avoid

the potholes, he has to jiggle the
wheel.

Oh, jiggle the wheel, jiggle the wheel.

Like I say, Sergeant Major, you're not
supposed to impersonate me, you know. I

quite agree. Stop impersonating Captain
Ashwood, Sergeant Major. But I was not

impersonating Captain Ashwood, sir. I
was doing kind of Graham.

I see. Well, they are a bit similar, I
suppose. Come on, then.

Charlotte!

I've been flung about too much, Charles.
I never could stop at being flung

about. I've always been the same, even
at hunt balls with the lancers. Yes,

those regular soldiers are a rough lot.
I think madam is referring to a dance

called the lancers, sir.

I get awfully mixed up in that.

Listen, Daphne, I've told our driver to
do the best he can, but there's bound to

be more jiggling. Girl, stop.

One time, I was bearer to Captain Ludlow
-Stewart.

He was a very rich man, and in his
bungalow, he had one beautiful Chinese

made by Mr. Ming Saab.

One day, Saab, we moved from Puna to
Simla, and we put vase in tea chest

round tight on every side.

Now, Saab, this vase made by Mr. Ming
Saab never break until one day, Ma 'am

Saab Ludlow -Stewart threw it at Captain
Ludlow -Stewart when she found him as

half -chat lady from Daradun.

Shut up!

Well, there, chap, he's got something.
Where are we going to find a big fat tea

chest? One more word from you gunner
Suggs and you spend the next 90 days in

glass height!

All we have to do is to pack Mrs
Waddleby tightly on all sides to stop

wafting about so much.

However, does you mean, sir?

Well, look, suppose we're in the lorry
and I'm seated here.

Now, I can stop you wafting this way,
can't I? As long as you grasp me firmly,

Charles.

I could stop Mrs. Waddy Love Evans
wafting this way, sir.

He won't waft that way. The sergeant
major has a wonderfully firm grip.

Well, in that case, we mustn't waste
him.

Bombardier, you go that side, won't you?

Now we want someone in front, not

too tall.

Move yourself, move yourself!

And not you, Sergeant Major.

Get a bargain.

To the rear of Mrs. Waddyluff Evans.
Move yourself, move yourself.

Good.

Ah, sir.

Himself is gritting and baring it jolly
well, Colonel Thorpe.

You get hold of me.

Right. Sergeant Major, you get hold of
the bombardier.

Let's try some jittery.

How much further have we got to go?

135 miles, sir.

You couldn't stand 135 miles with all us
men pressed up against you, could you,

Daphne? I think I could steal myself,
Charles.

Daphne, you're a prick.

We'll never get there before dark, will
we?

I reckon about 50 miles of that is all
any of us could stand, sir.

I quite agree.

Shut up!

Excuse me, sir.

There's a place called Fort Cabot about
46 miles further on. Right, we'll make

for there.

Right! Mount up and start!

On the track, on the track!

I'm not jiggling, Paris. Do witness, I'm
not jiggling on it.

Hanging on that, eh?

Well, it helps a great deal having
something else to think about.

Hello. What's that on the skyline?

It looks like a caravan.

I can only see three donkeys and a big
white horse.

I'll tell the colonel.

Excuse me, sir.

There's a full caravan ahead.

They don't have gypsies on the north
-west front, do they, sir?

Do be quiet, Ashford. What do you make
of it, Palmetto?

Anybody see his dead arm?

My glasses are steamed up.

Shut up!

Look, to be on the safe side, I think we
should turn around.

Stop the truck!

Stop the truck!

Be friendly, so we'd better be rather
careful.

Macintosh, Evans!

What? Keep them covered.

Dismount!

Beg pardon, sir.

I think we should hide the woman.

What woman?

Mrs. Wally Love Evans, sir.

Then try some of my good ideas.

What sort of ideas?

You know, sir.

mind them getting ideas.

I do.

Best place safe, sir. Them tribesmen get
a look in their eyes. There's no

holding them. She'd better get under the
tarpaulin.

Yes, get under the... that.

Salaam.

Good afternoon.

Tell the bearer to find out who they are
and what they're doing.

Right, bearer. You heard what the
colonel said.

Borrow them, tis wasty.

At the same time.

Colonel, he says they are trading people
and that you are very handsome and

brave.

Thank you.

Carry by your rifles.

Come officer, they are not for sale.

I am sorry, I couldn't stand that
Richard dust a moment

longer.

It's too late, Colonel Saab. They have
already seen Memsaab. What will have

happened?

He's getting ideas, sir.

How can you tell? Is it the look in
their eyes?

Not entirely, sir.

Colonel Saab, he say he wish to buy the
woman.

I'm sorry, we British don't do that sort
of thing.

Tell him to go about his business.

That's it, Colonel Saab.

I'm British locally.

I reckon they could be smugglers
carrying contretemps.

Sergeant Major Saab is totally correct.

There is much smuggling in these passes,
and they also do the running of the

guns, Saab. I reckon we should search
their baggage, Saab.

What do you think I should?

I think it's going a bit far, you know.

After all, it is their private property.

With respect, sir, it's hardly their
private property if they pinched it from

in the first place.

Quiet. Search the baggage.

Right. Cover them.

Bearer, tell him what we're doing.

I'll just have to make this up.

What did he

say, bearer? I'll make this up.

He say... Oh, dear.

Search their baggage.

What, me?

Yes, you, yes, you.

Search them saddlebags.

But there might be all sorts of things
in them.

That's exactly why you is going to look.

Graham, give him a hand. Yes, Sergeant
Major.

Excuse me.

The Sergeant Major says I have to have a
little ferret in your portmanteau.

Here. What's this?

Oh, sir, that is most precious. That is
100 years old egg.

100 years old?

It's a great delicacy with the Chinese.

Be careful you're not dropping it, sir.

Ask him what else he's got in here.

Some,

he say, have a little gold,
frankincense, and myrrh.

He's a bit late, isn't he?

Here, what's this?

What have you found, Boba dear?

That is powdered rhinoceros horn,
Sergeant Middleton.

Powdered rhinoceros horn? What on earth
do they do with that?

Well, they do say it's very efficacious.

No, sir.

Sir, you put it in tea and make you
feel... Oh!

Sergeant Major, what about this lot over
here?

He has found a load of books, sir. He is
a very alert soldier.

Put them back in the parking. We are not
concerned with books today.

They're pretty hot stuff, sir. There's
pictures of men and girls with nothing

on. Show me, boy.

Holy mackerel!

What kind of parking is this?

Mrs. What -He -Loved -Haven, sir?

Yes, sir.

Disgusting. Let's have a look.

It's here.

Yes, quite right.

I mean, a chap must have a pretty poor
opinion of his wife to allow that sort

thing.

Well, maybe they is not married, sir.

Oh, come on. There are limits, you know.

Quite right, sir. We can't have these
falling into the wrong hands.

Tell them we're keeping these and they'd
better get cracking and be on their

way.

What do you think I should... It seems
an awfully long time.

Oh, there he is going, sir. Just as
well. I don't like to be spoken to like

that. I think we should be moving too,
sir. Yes.

We'll never be in Fort Cabut before dark
at this rate.

All right, let's go. Night!

I say, we're not staying here the night,
are we? It doesn't look very cosy.

But I was expecting a proper outpost
with an officer's mess and a flagpole.

Gun and Graham!

Over here, that needs our help!

Shut up!

Now, see here, Mr. Lardy Dog and Graham,
you said that this was a fort. You did

not say that it was a deserted fort.

I should have thought they'd have told
you the difference before they let you

graturate from that universe. I'm
terribly sorry, Sergeant Major. No, I'm

terribly sorry, Sergeant Major.

Why don't we go on to our destination?

What of?

Do not go on the road tonight.

Very soon it will be dark with a shiny
full moon, and the naughty fatans will

come out with their rifles and take
partitions at us British.

The bearer's quite right, sir. I think
we should post sentries and keep you of

the night.

Oh, drat. Warm pink gin again.

Nevertheless, we'll do as the Sergeant
Major suggests.

Can I have a word with you, Minister?

Yes, yes, of course.

We've got just one problem by here, sir.

Mrs. Waddle of Heavens. Oh?

Why is she a problem?

Well, sir, so many men have seen them
books, and, well, I know I always refer

into them as a shout of poofs, but, you
know, sir, one or two of them might be a

bit... I do understand.

What do you suggest?

Well, sir, we'll have two men guarding
the ramparts, and one guarding Mrs.

Waddle of Heavens.

And I'll find her a place to sleep, sir,
which gives her a little bit of

privation. Yes.

Good. Do that, will you?

She can sleep in that cubbyhole thing
over there, and we'll use this one over

here. Good, sir, and I'll stick
something up in front of both particles.

Come here, Popper!

Dr. Major!

Well, over here, that looks sharp! Be
dark soon! Get a clock!

Sir! Get a fire started!

Get cracking!

Sir! Now, Popper dear, I've got a little
job for you. What is right up your

street?

I wish I wasn't so

artistic and sensitive.

I wish I was more sort of Basic and
earthy, like you.

I mean, a couple of slices of donkey and
one of them dirty books, you're in

paradise, aren't you?

All right,

sweetie.

I'm going to clock a miss for all the
perimeter and 200 yards beyond.

It was exciting, wasn't it, Sergeant
Major?

It's all clear, but there's plenty of
cover, so keep your eyes skinned. Now,

Bombardier, have you curned it off the
officers' quarters and them of Mrs. What

-He -Loved -Heavens?

Well, the curtaining didn't quite work
out right, so I improvised.

Would you like to have a look?

The middle piece of my mini -ha -ha

scene.

My teepee.

Here it is, Iron Maiden.

I've got the gin, Ashwood. Yes, sir,
here it is.

I think Mrs. Waddle of Evans would like
a slaughter.

Present our compliments, will you, and
ask her if she would care to join us?

Oh, she's over here.

He needs to wear a new production
number.

There was an old woman who lived in a
shoe. She had so many children, she

know what to do.

Knockin' faith?

Who's there?

Good evening, Sergeant Major.

Evening, ma 'am. Colonel's compliment
said he would like you to join him and

Captain Ashwood for a... First note.
Shut up!

What a vicious idea.

Do sit down, Daphne.

Something out of my shoe?

Yes, certainly.

That one, foolish boy, that one.

Quite sorry.

It's my scarf. It's on the truck.

Absolutely first class.

Charles. Don't.

I just had to see you alone.

I can't bear to be without you tonight.

You can't come into my wigwam.

Couldn't you sneak into my shoe?

Come on, my sweet.

Let's meet at midnight on the rampart.

He's coming back. Don't forget, Charles,
the rampart's at midnight. The

rampart's with us.

Moonlight becomes you.

It goes with your hair.

Here we go, innit? Yeah, and chilly.

Whatever is you wearing got a bargain.

It's my Flallygan and Allen coat.

I had one great coat, Sergeant Major.

Keep your eyes skinned.

You can never trust them for times, not
for a second.

Isn't it romantic?

The stars, the moon, the mountains and
us.

Yes.

cares left behind in Deolali.

When my husband finds you, he's going to
horsewhip you.

Is he?

How tall is he?

Let's not think about that.

No, don't let's.

It's so wild and savage and primitive
here. It makes me feel wild and savage

primitive. Does it make you feel wild
and savage and primitive?

Up to a point, yes.

Show me.

I tell you what, I've got a flask of
whiskey in my haversack.

Let's share that and then we can really
let it rip.

We'll really let it rip.

Don't go away.

Yes, sir.

Anything I can do? No, I don't think so.

Yes, go to sleep.

Beth!

Did he do you or anything?

No, nothing, Sergeant Major.

Go and patrol the other side.

Yes, if you say so.

Don't turn round.

You look just as you did the first night
we met.

Remember, it is that ball at Government
House.

And you slipped out onto the roof garden
to look at the moon.

And I chased you over the roof.

And we both fell through the fence.

Darling.

so damned attractive standing there with
the fan light in your hair.

Daphne, look at me.

He has seen two figures running.

Shall I go after him, Sergeant? No, it
might be a trap.

It's Daphne.

Daphne!

Daphne! Shut up!

Daphne! Daphne!

Excuse me, sir. Mrs. Waddle of Evans
isn't in her shoes, sir.

When they take prisoners, the Patans
have a habit which is very nasty.

They cut off heads.

Not Daphne. They couldn't do it. A
swine.

There's only one way to find out.

Somebody must open that sack.

Open

that sack.

What is in the sack, huh?

Is it what we all hope it is not? A
piece of Mrs. Waddle of Evans?

If so, which piece?

If not, will the Colonel sob and us
brave men rescue her?

In order to find out the answer to this
and many other puzzlements, watch and

look out for next week's thrilling
installment.

Hey, hey, hey, hey,

hey.

Without the lads, there's plenty of fun.
So meet again, cos the boys are here.

The boys to entertain you.

B -O -Y -S, boys to entertain you.