All language subtitles for it_ain_t_half_hot_mum_s03e06_don_t_take_the_micky

Meet the gang cause the boys are here,
the boys to entertain you.

With music and laughter to help you on
your way to raising the rafters with a

hey, hey, hey. With songs and sketches
and jokes on and you. With us above, you

and Bill Blues. So meet the gang cause
the boys are here, the boys to entertain

you.

B -O -Y -S, boys to entertain you.

Your needle is stuck.

Oh, what a good day it is today.

You see, it is like this.

The British soldier is the most smart in
all the world because all the time he's

doing what is called get fairly non
-prayed.

But you must understand there are many
different kinds of parade. There is

church parade, hickey parade, and bags
of bull parade.

But today is the most beautiful parade
of all. It is pay parade.

The day when Tommy Atkins gets what is
coming to him.

Now the British soldier is a very rich
man.

and does not go around talking about
money like some damn native.

Oh, golly gumdrops, no.

He has many holy names for money, such
as Spandulik,

Mazuma, and if he is coming from very
high caste people known as Kakni,

he is calling it bees and honey.

Now, Laugh -dee -thub has two holy names
for it.

Me wages and me bitter brass.

Right, tell!

Smarn yourself, I've got a quick match!

Outside, outside, outside!

Next! Could you make just a touch less
noise, Sergeant Major? Very sorry, sir,

but the men is getting very idle and
slumber -key. That's much better.

There you are. That's 20 rupees.

That includes one rupee barrack damages.

Thank you very much, sir.

Good boy.

Very polite.

Sign the acquittance roll.

Yes, sir.

Thanks, Hawkins.

Right. Salute.

Beautiful.

Wait, Tom!

Steady there. Very uneven floor, sir.

All right, sort it out, sir.

Uh, Beaumont's next.

Bombardier, Beaumont!

Sir Minister, sir.

Not you, not you!

Sir Minister, Bombardier, Beaumont, sir,
is doing his rehearsaling.

I'll give him rehearsaling. Get him here
at the top and get out!

Sir Minister, sir. So is it.

Let's have something while we're
waiting. You think I could give two

notice?

Do it

again, do it again.

I think the first round was best.

Pick up your money and get lost before
my patience runs out.

There you are. It's 18 rupees.

That includes one rupee barrack damages
and one rupee to the quartermaster for

kit deficiencies.

That was for a pair of socks.

The officer is not interested in the
details of your shopping list. Sign the

acquittal's roll!

Come along, come along.

What is you doing?

I'm signing my signature.

It should not take that long to put a
cross.

How dare you put flourishes under your
signature?

Flourishes is for officers.

Sergeant Major.

And what is this?

Harold Herbert Boris Sugden?

Them's me names.

Other ranks is not permitted to use all
their names. In future, you will sign H.

Sugden. H for Harold Herbert Boris.

And Sugden for Sugden.

Pick up your AB -64 Part 2.

Salute. Right turn.

Quick march.

Oh, shall I do it again?

Except for Bombardier Beaumont.

Bombardier Beaumont is here, sir, but he
is not fit to be seen.

How?

By coming in, you're dressed as Minnie
Ha Ha.

So it's the number for the new show, and
I wasn't satisfied with myself.

You know what a perfectionist I am. Will
you stop playing with your pigtails

whilst you use a dressing gown?

So it's a... Yes, it's a duet, you see.
Gunner Macintosh, he's a Mountie, and

he's standing on this rock and he's
singing, Oh, well, I'm calling you.

And I reply, I know what you'll do.

Shut up.

Well, there you are.

31 rupees, compliments of the
management.

Thank you, sir.

Oh, nearly forgot.

Do you want my autograph?

Now, I must fly, because I'm making
myself a Neil Gwynn dress, and I just

get my oranges right.

Pick up your AB -64 and get out of my
sight!

You! Joe!

Chair, I'm Sergeant Meadow. Good
afternoon, Bombardier.

Forman, sir.

Good afternoon, Bombardier. Bye for now,
sir.

He's quite a card, isn't he?

He's more than I can stomach, sir. I
used to sold you to not a lot of Nazi

poncing about with pigtails and feathers
in their hair.

But we mustn't forget the concert party
does a marvellous job keeping up the

morale of the chaps that pass through
here.

One minute, sir. I have one CD for Carl,
sir.

Bought by dispatch rider on special
quick smelly motorcycle.

Sir, sir. And, sir, driver of special
quick smelly motorcycle, say.

If any reply, he'll be down at Cook
House scrounging for cheap money, isn't

Shut up and get out. Yes,

I know about this.

Delhi's doing a big thing about the Army
Bureau of Current Affairs.

Apparently, they're short of
instructors.

And anyone with the proper
qualifications can be promoted to

bunged off to Delhi for a two -month
course.

We haven't anyone of university type
hanging around here, have we?

Look, Mr Graham, he's frightfully
brainy.

Hasn't he got a degree or something?

You could not make him a sergeant, sir.
Besides, he's the piano chap, isn't he?

Oh, quite. He's a wizard on the
keyboard.

Oh, well, if we let him get posted, bang
goes the concert party. No, no, no,

forget about the whole thing.

If we let him get posted, bang goes the
concert party.

But, Rees Sergeant Major Tudor Bryn
Williams, you is a big burk.

You was within one air's breadth of
getting shot at them concert party puffs

all time.

And you just screwed it.

Hang on, though.

All is not lost.

Them two is only officers.

You can trade on their higher feelings,
because they is supposed to be English

gentlemen.

Let's start with Gunner Lardy Darwuddy
Graham's records.

On the other hand, sir, be a pity to
stand in the man's way.

It says here he is a bay come -ons.

Now, I bet that is not to be sneezed at.

Bachelor of Arts, Cambridge with
Honours.

There you are, sir.

What did I say?

What do you think, Ashford?

I do think he really likes the army,
sir.

He'd probably hate being a sergeant. I
doubt it. All soldiers hate sergeants,

but I've never met one that hated being
a sergeant.

Why not let me sound the man out, sir?
Get his views, you know.

All right, then, if he likes it. Well,
then he can bung up his stripes and take

the first available train to Delhi.

There's bound to be someone passing
through the camp who can play the piano.

Of course there is, sir.

When I find him, I'll shake him so
firmly by the hand he'll have all his

in plaster for six months.

Well, speaking personally, I don't think
we should stand in his way.

Oh, I quite agree.

I mean, don't give a single thought. I
mean, the fact that we'll be disbanded

and sent up the jungle amongst all those
snakes and spiders and have to fight

those horrid little men with their
kamikaze swords shouldn't even enter

head. Look, I told the sergeant major I
wasn't interested, but he just wouldn't

listen. Ah, so you agreed, eh? You're
taking the stripes.

No, I'm not. He said I'd got to think it
over and go and see him this evening.

Oh, sir, what a terrible decision to
take.

What to do? What to do?

Will you be using your most marvellous
brain or tickling dominoes with your

wonderful digits?

Look, I tell you what, fellas, if he
goes, a few of us could get together

and form a little orchestra with bog
paper and comb.

Not for me. If I sang on with the motley
with paper and comb, I'd be a figure of

fun.

Anyway, the pipe in the bog here, an
awful life.

It's down to the gesture.

We're finished.

We're all washed up.

He'll take the stripes for the money.

Anybody would.

Oh, sir.

When you're a sergeant with three
stripes, you'll be a very rich man.

And you'll be able to go to a bazaar and
shift a bit, isn't it?

Well, you actually give it a thought for
your old mate here.

Hacking his way through the jungle. And
the mercy of all those creepy crawlies.

Yes,

sir. Come here.

What are you selling, Mike?

Oh, sir, I have the most beautiful
Indian cake with squash, fly, currants,

white icing. Oh!

Give me two cups of chaff and two of
them rolls. Yes, sir.

Wait outside, sir, to talk to you about
striping.

Get him in here.

Come in, boy.

Well, I won't be stopping, Sergeant
Major. I just wanted to say that...

nothing, A .C.

Just take it easy.

Hog yourself down there.

Me and you is going to have a friendly
man -to -man talk.

Are you ready?

Stir the gun as tea.

Oh, thank you, Mr. Clark. Would you also
like me to crumble rules up?

Shut up.

Now, you may not believe this kind of
graham, but I takes a real interest in

boys. And it does my art good to see you
get in on. Well, thank you, Sergeant

Major, but actually I have no ambition
to... No, I quite understand any man who

is a man.

And I am sure you is one of them.

I do not like the notion of putting on
stripes.

Well, yes, Sergeant Major, that's the
point. Oh, it's very natural.

But with you, lovely boy, it's very
different.

Oh, yes.

You see, without all that learning
rammed into you a clever head, you is

practically a genie.

A genius.

That's the very word.

As you well know, I am not the sort of
person to make you do what you do not

want to do.

But I consider it my duty.

to show you what it is really like to be
a sergeant.

What?

There. Now, you have to admit, that do
look smart, don't it?

Well, that's all... No, don't say
nothing!

It do look smart, don't it?

Oh, yes, of course it does, Sergeant
Major.

I knew you would agree, Sergeant Graham.

Now, me and you, is going over to the
sergeant's mess for a little drink.

And then, he's going to pay a call on
one or two places in the tub.

You see, when you as a sergeant, people
look up to you, treat you different, and

I want you to get the feel before you
say yes.

Yes, that's... No more talking!

We're off to the sergeant's mess.

No, he's making ice cream. Here, fellas,
that Penrushki's gone over to the

enemy. What are you talking about?

We've just seen him going into the
sergeant's mess with a sergeant major

he's got three stripes on his arm.

He's betrayed us.

I knew it at lunchtime.

When I crumpled my bread into my lentil
soup, it dropped straight to the bottom

of the bowl.

That is always a bad sign.

It was bad bread.

Graham Tharbon, Sergeant... I know, I
know, I know, I know.

We might as well start packing for the
jungle now.

Tharbon, many years ago, I was bearer to
one sergeant who was a very naughty

fellow because he was always getting
scotch mist.

One day he's caught by military
policemen and put into clinky.

Next day when he sees Colonel, he is
being busted and become only humble

again.

Pararooski doesn't get drunk.

Has anybody seen Pararooski drunk?

No. But Tharbon... I know they are going
into town, and I can arrange to take

them to one very low dive, which is
owned by a relation of Mohammed here,

also a friend of mine. That is totally
correct, sir. It is owned by my second

cousin's third wife, brother -in -law,
who makes the finest Mickey Finney in

India. You mean he'll get him drunk even
if he just lets the one?

As nude, sir.

But he still might not get picked up. Do
not worry, sir. The military police

will be informed.

Because my friend is very reliable
rotten bastard.

Is that not true?

Very reliable rotten bastard.

Where I come from, that's called a mucky
trick.

Never mind about that. My career's at
stake.

And all our lives.

Randy, you take them there quick.

Just that.

I will do this for you. And for your
career.

And for 20 rupees.

20 rupees?

For making friends, sir.

Come on, give me your money. Come on,
quick, quick, quick. Give me your money.

This is both. Stop, old club.

Oh,

blimey me, yes.

Don't look very lively. Do it, Sergeant
Graham.

Sir, here they are making the most...

finest cocky tales in whole of India.

And soon the bad girls will come, sir,
which is good fun, isn't it?

Please come in, sir.

Sit up.

Sit up. Sit up.

Sit up.

It isn't out of bounds, is it, Sergeant
Major?

Not for warring officers and sergeants.

Gee, these little places are what you
might call the perks, like, you know.

Get some drinks, Baron. Yes, Sergeant
Major, sir.

Thank you. Azad had made up the drinks
already.

Oh,

yes, yes.

One measure of my special Mickey Finn
makes the Bishop of Bombay sing the hymn

called Esquimonel.

Which key last are you putting Mickey
Finn in?

Ah, this one.

I must be very careful not to get mixed
up.

Now then, I lift up tray and I take to
table.

Sergeant Major starts sitting here.

Graham starts sitting here.

This way I'm making balls He will

mark the glass.

Yes, I will mark each gill off. Oh, yeah
But how is that helping me my friend?

Now you're knowing which is what?

I'm helping you Now the olive that is
green is the gill off that is killing

Cherry on the stick will make him drunk
very quick.

Quick.

Gotcha. Olive that is green is the glass
that is clean.

Clean.

Cherry on the stick will make him very
sick.

Quick.

Gotcha. Olive that is green is glass
that is clean. Cherry on the stick will

make him drunk quick. I got it. Hurry up
with that drink, Sparrow.

Come inside and make yourself.

It's damn hot in here, isn't it,
Sergeant Major?

Well, I don't suffer from the heat much,
like you know.

I tell you what, Sergeant Graham, you
can have my chair, you'll get the

of that.

Oh, good,

the drinks have come.

Just going again, Sergeant, one moment.

Oh, blimey.

Only one mistake will make him very
thick.

Cherry that is green will knock him out
clean.

No, no, no, no, no.

Olive that is green is the glass that is
killing.

Cherry on the stick will make him drunk
quick.

Drunk quick?

Archer, you're right. I'm ruddy damn
fool.

Of course, you don't do.

No, no, never did.

Quite right.

Self -discipline. That's what sergeants
need.

Oh, blimey.

The olive that is green is not in the
place that it should have been.

Excuse me, Sergeant Major, sir.

What are you doing?

Regulation, sir.

The candle has to be near Punker to blow
flame out.

Now, please yourself.

Let's drink a toast, Sergeant Graham.
Yes, all right, Sergeant Major.

I just want to say how much I envy you.

Because you is on the threshold... Sir,
may I say something?

Shut up!

You is on the threshold of a fine
military career.

Sir, may I say something? Sir, may I say
something? If I drink this toast, you

must have old Indian blessing.

Old Indian blessing?

Yes, please, sir.

You was on the threshold of a fine
military career, Sergeant Graham.

If I'd had your education and all that
wonderful university learning, just

what I'd be today.

Hello? Huh?

Huh? What's the matter?

Does that make me think he put Mickey
Finney in the wrong glass?

What do you mean? Now you are telling
me?

Oh, yes, yes.

Cherry on the stick will not make him
drunk quick, but olive in the glass will

make him fall on his backside.

Creek without paddle?

That's when Colonel Quartermaster did
it.

You touch

them glasses again,

I'll do you a mischief.

You know, it's funny how customs
throughout the world can have certain

similarities, although the customs
themselves are endemic to totally

cultures.

Is that really so?

Oh, yes.

Exempli gratia. We used to have an
imbibing ritual in a society I belong to

Cambridge. Now, before drinking, after a
game of rudder, we used to hold up our

hands like this, and then we all used to
chant...

Oh,

well, you're going to be a wonderful
sergeant, no doubt about that.

You'll have to teach him that in a mess.

Then we used to pick up our glasses in
our right hands, link our drinking arms,

and then I take mine, I take yours with
my left hand, you take mine with your

left hand.

And then we'd drink and cry.

Floriat.

Floriat. And I am now totally confused.

Now, what is true?

Like you tell me, I speak to military
police. They're waiting down the street.

But you're not a fool.

I do not yet know who is drinking Mickey
Finn.

Now I am knowing.

I just thought of something.

Really? What's that, Sergeant Major?

Women! It looks like hell's happened to
the Sergeant Major.

What's up?

He has taken the mickey.

We must run quickly.

The following military rod has put him
in kinky.

You're meant to be Nelson Eddy.

I'm Janet MacDonald.

Hey,

you're back early.

Quick, give us a hand.

He's looking poorly. Was it something he
ate?

Get him into his basher, onto his
charpoil. Park it. You stay with him.

anyone asks you, he's been there since
tea time. OK, Sarge.

Right, everyone else, carry on normally.

Really? There is nothing about this
soldier.

That is very, very funny. Anyway, the
military police described the man

thereafter as well -built, 5 '10", with
a moustache, wearing a beret, with a

Royal Artillery badge, and the insignia
of a battery sergeant major.

Oh, and he was swearing in Welsh.

What a very accurate description, sir.

Could have been anybody.

They lost him in the bazaar, but later
he turned up in the quarters of the

Alexandra Nursing Yeomanry, where he was
heard shouting to the nurses, Come and

get it, my lovelies, you didn't know it
was Christmas, did you?

All the nurses bolted their doors, with
the exception of the matron, who was

great... personal courage, tried to
entice the man into her room.

With the intention of holding him there
until help could be thought of.

A damn brave woman.

Salt of the earth.

He escaped from her grasp, shouting
another Welsh phrase, hen funsh achi.

Can you translate that?

Round the old culture.

He was next seen running from the
company lines of a battalion of the Sikh

regiment, shouting, Blimey, I dropped
one there.

And after a hot pursuit, was last
reported running in the direction of

camp, chased by a sergeant and a native
bearer. I need hardly say this is all

rather serious.

And if anyone were to identify you,
well, to put it mildly, it would be the

of your career as a warrant officer.

Has anybody identified this man, sir?
Not so far, no.

Morning, Sergeant.

Might I have a word with you, Peter? I'm
rather busy at the moment. Is it very

urgent? Well, it's about the Sergeant
Major, sir.

And last night. You'd better come in.

Three cheers for that. It is the most
noble thing that I've ever heard through

keyhole. Their sergeant said that
Sergeant Major Saab was innocent as a

that all the nightly things were done by
Graham Saab himself.

Oh, they'll never swallow that.

He looks nothing like old shut -up. But
Saab... Graham Sarpe said that he went

like madmen and he took from Sergeant
Major Sarpe his most noble beret and

the noble crown that he wears on his
hairy arm.

I don't understand it.

I'd find it easier to believe if he'd
cut old shut -up's throat and bunged him

on the midden. Spalding all.

I'd be worried sick about you. I've been
busted.

Oh, Sarpe, it is all my fault.

None of us can understand why you took
the blame. I mean, for him, of all

people. Well, I felt sorry for him.

He's such a pathetic figure.

His whole life would have been
completely ruined by losing his wretched

I didn't want the damn stripes.

And it suddenly presented itself as a
heaven -sent opportunity to ensure that

didn't have to keep them.

Are we everybody's son?

No, no.

As you were, lovely boys.

Just carry on with what you was doing.

Men, I just wanted you to know that
today I have witnessed a scene what I

thought would come to pass.

I'm not much of a one -for -words, but
this man saved my career.

And I will be grateful to him for the
rest of my days.

I mean, we couldn't really let you carry
the can back.

I mean, the Mickey Finn wasn't meant for
you anyway.

What?

Mickey Finn?

I mean, tittle -tattle, tittle -tattle.

What, Mickey Finn?

What, Mickey Finn? What, Mickey Finn?

What, Mickey Finn?

What,

Mickey Finn?

It was meant for Paderewski to get him
busted, so he'd stop here, and I

have to have bog paper and a comb to
accompany me, are you?

Stansell! Stansell!

You!

I've never seen nothing like it in all
my life. You and I are supposed to be in

charge of soldiers, and instead of
which, I find myself face to face with a

of two -faced, double -crossing, two
-timing snakes in

a glass.

proverb which is saying there is no
merit in doing real dirty sneaky tricks

unless one is real dirty sneaky man.

B -O -Y -S, boys do entertain you!