All language subtitles for it_ain_t_half_hot_mum_s03e05_pale_hands_i_love

Meet the gang cause the boys are here,
the boys to entertain you.

With music and laughter to help you on
your way to raising the rafters with a

hey, hey, hey.

With Tom and Chetid and Joe, Joe and
you. With us about you and Bill Blues.

meet the gang cause the boys are here,
the boys to entertain you.

B -O -B -O -Y -S, boys to entertain you.

Tonight is a very special night.

Once every week, our glorious British
king gives to Tommy Atkins three bottles

of holy British water known as beer.

And when British soldier boy gets beer,
oh, there is such happiness.

And in the evening, they gather together
for a lovely British custom which they

are calling Get Stinking.

While they are doing Get Stinking
ceremony, they are singing Get Stinking

like... roll out battle, let us have
other one, and roll me over, do it

please.

And this is very special, get thinking
tongue, because Colonel Saab say it has

two meaning.

And when they're not singing, they are
talking about blighty or talking about

sexy.

Right, well, cheers.

Cheers.

Here.

Did I ever tell you about my landlady in
Barrow -in -Furness? The one that

fancied you and sat on your bed?

Yeah, that's right. Oh, it's a fairy
story, is it?

The whole butch.

All right, get them chais out. Get out.

Clear off.

Why are you saying get out?

My chai's much more clean than your
nerdy puggle party. Get out.

Hey, you damn native.

Do not be insulting our beautiful
British pig here.

One chai too.

I tell the cook that he is Lady Monkey,
and he do this.

Thanks, Randy.

Ah, well, cheers.

Cheers.

That is a terrible, terrible drink.

Here is something to make you happy.

Egg, banjo and chips. Thanks, Randy.
There.

These ain't chips.

They're sweet potato chips.

They're nothing like chips, not even
with vinegar.

Oh, chips, sweet potato chips, now
they're soft.

No, lovely boys, do not get up.

I is not inspecting you.

Just seeing that the canteen contractors
is doing their job.

Nothing is too good for you boys.

You're always fighting for your country
and depraved of the immensities of

civilization.

Like good beer and women.

We've got to see who's taking care of
them, we. Eat up your egg banjo, lovely

boy. Give them mussels something to bite
on.

Look after them, bearer.

See that their sweet potato chips is
nice and crisp.

If I had my way, dear, there'd always
be...

Oh, sir. What's got into him?

Come on, Randy, give us the gem.

Oh, sir, this is secret.

So I will tell only you.

Sergeant Major Saab is in love.

Oh.

Oh.

Love? Yes, sir. Who'd fall in love with
him? Beautiful Chinese girl, sir, with

face like willow -patterned plate.

You mean shiny, flat and blue?

No, Lofty, he means that her face is
delicate and finely chiseled.

Hey, it's not that Chinese bit that
works for Mrs. Waddle of Evans, eh? The

same one, sir.

And I think Sergeant Major Tharpe wants
to take her to temple and make promise

to love and to be honourable and heaven
knows what else.

Tomorrow, he's going to ask Colonel
Tharpe for a wedding treaty.

If you were the only girl in the world,
you will be very busy. That's it,

look. If we transfer that sum to the
Army Benevolent Fund, the whole thing

look correction above board.

Then what do we do with this sum?

Buy a couple of bottles of gin and call
it stock.

I see.

It's damn hot, isn't it, sir?

Punk them all up.

Jody, get that punk a thing curled.

It's getting dashed down in here.

I was

wondering,

sir, if I could have a word with you in
private.

On a private matter, sir.

Yes, yes, of course.

Shall I disappear?

No, no, no, sir. It's nothing secret.

As a matter of fact, sir, I was thinking
of... Well, to put it in a nutshell,

sir, I was thinking of getting married.

Ah, dear.

Have we got a form that covers that
thing?

I don't think so, sir.

Well, I'd better ask you a few
questions, then.

Have you been married before?

No, sir, the harm you always comfort.

Now, you realise a marriage is supposed
to last for life. You're quite certain

that the attraction you feel for the
lady of your choice is not just sort of,

um, physical?

What, sir?

Physical.

You mean it's like exercises?

I know.

Well, um, who is it, by the way?

She is outside now, sir, and I would be
honoured if you met her. Oh, John, good

show. Bring her in, will you?

He wants to see you now. Don't be
scared.

Oh, Vera, you'd better come in and
translate.

I just had to make this up.

Come on, he won't hurt you.

This is her, sir.

Ling Su.

How do you do, Ling Su?

How do you do?

Awfully muggy, isn't it?

I'll get these details off to somewhere
or other, and I'm sure there won't be

any snags.

Would you like to ask any questions?

Colonel Tharp will take you up. Do you
have any questions?

Well, sure.

Two new.

Colonel Tharp, she say that she is a
virgin.

I don't think I need to put that down,
actually.

Sergeant Major, do you know?

What, sir?

Girl, sir, she say is Sergeant Major,
sir, also a virgin?

Do you know how it is, sir?

Yes, yes, of course.

Tell her he has been married.

Sir, I mean, sir, Sergeant Major, sir,
I'm too shoddy naked.

Yes, you can't do that in a battery
office. Oh, don't worry about that,

Major. Well, we'll let you know as soon
as we hear. That's all.

How about... Oh, no.

That is her salute, sir.

She's a lovely girl, sir, isn't she? She
certainly is, I admit.

Oh,

isn't that nice, Ashford?

I think it's the bitter end.

What do you mean?

Beautiful, childlike, gentle girl.

What on earth does she see in that
awful, coarse, noisy, hairy ape?

Let's put ourselves together, Ashwood. I
can't help it, sir. Two years I've been

stuck out here in this damn place with
the heaps and the flies and no ladies.

But then he walks in with that lovely
girl.

It's too much.

If you want to know, I'm jealous.

Steady on, Ashwood. Think of your wife
back home in Richmond.

I mean, you can't compare her with that
girl.

Oh, yes, I can, sir. But that's what's
making me jealous.

There'll always be an England.

Sergeant Mason, sir, here is your
beautiful belt, made snowy white with

bull. Thank you, Mera. I must look my
best tonight. I'm seeing her father

Sir, do you think her father will let
you marry his beautiful daughter?

Oh, that's all fixed up. Tonight he's
going to start teaching me his business.

He runs a Chinese restaurant, you know.

And you know, Mera, when all this lot's
over...

I's taking him back home, and we's going
to open a little Chinese restaurant in

Pontypridd.

William's the chink, I'll call it.

You started me to stop. What about your
Welsh widow woman who has the pub, and

who's doing this?

What is she doing?

What is she waiting for?

Oh, I'll see her, all right.

She can advertise on the back of our
menus.

I might even give her special rates.

Like a million -dollar trooper.

Trying hard to look like Gary Cooper.

Super duper.

Oh, God, it's not this beautiful place.

Of course, my place in Ponte won't be as
big as it is to start with, but we'll

expand like, you know.

Mr. Sue.

How are you, buddy? How's your shape in
there?

My man, he come to learn trick of trade.

That's it. That means, sir, we say today
he'll teach you all about the kitchen.

Oh, that's the place to start, I reckon.
Come on, Lotus Blossom.

He said the young girl not allowed in
the kitchen.

We'll have to have a little chat about
that before we hit Spongebob, won't we?

Oh, so this is where it all goes on, is
it?

Funny -looking stuff.

Doesn't smell bad, though.

Sir, it is not permitted for me to eat
this food.

Why, is that religion?

No, sir, doctor.

He says that today you stand here,
waiter bring the order, and then you put

food on the tray.

Noodle? Noodle.

Beanshoot? Beanshoot.

Chop suey? Chop suey.

Sloop? Sloop.

Lice? Lice.

No, no, rice.

So, men.

Chow mein. What is chow mein?

That is chow, sir.

I've been yawned.

No, sir, we said not use real chow bow
wow now.

We have not.

Substitute chow.

What's he?

Or smelly goat.

King prawn.

King prawn.

More like a shrimp to me.

He's just told waiters to put on the
menu.

Prince of Wales brand.

Mushroom? Mushroom.

Water chestnut?

Well, look, Mr. Shu, I'll never remember
all this lot.

Don't be afraid. He said not to worry.
All done by numbers.

Look. One, two, three, four.

No doubt in Chinese, Chinese.

Again,

stop. Again.

Who's I?

Sir, that means restaurant open.

He must be quick, innit?

Sir,

this is the order.

Order?

Well,

it's all in Chinese.

Yeah, you translate.

Open, sir. I cannot read the Chinese.

This one, right?

This one. A bit more of that.

Come,

I show you. You see?

What does that mean? That means you be
cloakroom attendant.

Sir, they're doing the Limehouse Blue,
isn't it?

Oh, you're Limehouse Blue.

You're making love.

Oh,

show finishing now, sir.

About time, too. It's a load of rubbish.

The only thing you're doing, get on with
it, too.

The king, sir, the king.

Sergeant Major Talbot, it makes one so
proud to be British.

It is so moving. And when ardents hear
it, they can hardly wait for the end

before rushing to the exit so no one
will see the tears in their eyes.

Thanks a lot, Gloria. I'm sure it is.

We should have changed first. There
isn't time.

Oh, Gloria, sir.

If you were really such a beautiful
girl, I'd like to get you.

Slow boat to China.

Oh, you.

What the hell do you think you're on,
bombardier?

Shut up!

How dare you decimate that parade ground
by mincing across it dressed up like a

tart? And roll them sleeves down. Don't
you want to catch malaria?

I can't roll them down.

It's a dress.

Shut up. What do you want?

Well, you see, we're just finishing the
show and this Chinaman came backstage

and he gave me this note to give to you.

He said it was the mantra of life and
death, so we brought it straight round.

Shut up.

You will find no happiness with Ling Su,
only death.

Come here.

You're trying to make a fool out of me
who wrote this.

Honestly, Sergeant Major, it was given
to us by a real -life Chinaman.

Sergeant Major Top, is it signed?

Well, it's just an inkblot on the
bottom. If you'll permit me, Sergeant

Top. Oh, Sergeant Major Top, this is not
blood.

This is signed a black scorpion.

What does that mean?

It is a tongue.

What's a tongue?

Chinese Peaceless Society.

You mean like the buffaloes?

See, Sergeant Major Saab, before you
trotted your place to the enchanting

Fu, she had another suture called Cho
Hong. And he was of the family of black

scorpion. She is the family of red
scorpion. And it is written that only a

scorpion can marry a scorpion.

Oh, Sergeant Major Saab, you are in
terrible danger.

Twaddle. A Chinaman walking in this camp
and trying to kill me, I should cogo.

This coat and a waistcoat, a basket for
a start.

Pardon me, sir, there is one message.

What's it say?

Oh, sir, it say, before dawn breaks, you
will die.

Move it, sir!

You! Did you see a Chinaman?

Yes.

What did he look like?

Because he was wearing clothes, that's
why I didn't see anything.

I only saw his face.

And that's... Yellow.

Will you know him again if you saw him?

Sir, this is a matter of finding the rat
out of the rat.

I mean... They all look alike to me.

I am in the appropriate chapter.

Me too.

My mum, she makes smashing chips.

These sweet potato chips are horrid. Oh,
but...

I'm going to have some more when I'm
finished with this lot. Oh, it beats me

where he puts it all.

It's a garnet.

I don't know what you're complaining
about.

It's good, it's good.

Millions of people in India are
starving.

There's not enough food to go round.

I somehow feel that your presence in
India isn't helping the situation.

Oh!

All right then, stand here, then.

Now, pay attention, chaps.

Oh, by the way, the show was jolly good
tonight.

Oh, thanks very much, sir. It was
absolutely first class. Very good

Now, what was I going to say?

Oh, yes, of course.

Now, someone has made a threat on the
life of Sergeant Major Williams.

Anyone we know, sir?

It seems that Sergeant Major Williams
got mixed up with the Toms.

What was he doing? Poking the fire, sir?

It's terribly fun, isn't it?

together, Ashford. This is six.

I'm off, Sergeant.

Now, the Tongs is a secret Chinese
society, and apparently they want to

Sergeant Major.

That's what they're up to. I'll join
them tomorrow.

So I want an armed guard to watch the
Sergeant Major all night, so you'd

get your riders.

Bombier, Beaumont, you will be in charge
of the armed guard.

You'd better go and change that dress.

What other one would you like me to put
on?

You'd better change too, Gunner, Gunner.

So you won't be mistaken for a child.

What shall I put on, sir?

Uniform, then you will not be mistaken
for a soldier neither. Move aside, move

aside!

Let me guard all night.

We're begging your pardon, sir, but I
does not need a bunch of pups to guard

I'm quite capable of looking after
myself, and I'm not afraid of no China

I appreciate how you feel, Sergeant
Major, but we can't take any risk.

We think a lot of you, you know.

You'd better stay all night in the
battery office. It's easier to guard.

And get anything you want to make
yourself comfortable.

I'll just slip into my gym shoes, if you
don't mind, sir. I don't fancy sitting

down all night in my boots.

Right. Better get Sergeant Major's gym
shoes, will you? Right -o, Colonel.

Oh, Sergeant Major, sir, after those
heavy boots, this will bring such

All right, well, just tap the sand out,
Vera, will you? Just that.

Scorpion!

Do not worry, Sergeant Major, sir. It is
totally dead.

Thank goodness.

It's dead, Ashwood.

Well, you couldn't expect it to live
long inside the Sergeant Major's suit.

And the note says, before dawn breaks,
you will die. That is totally correct.

I'm telling you, Rangi, those Chinese
men are very slinky.

Very bad.

If I wasn't Sergeant Major Boots, I
would run like hell.

You're already fool.

Sergeant Major Boots, do not run away.

It is not the code.

Hey,

you are being summoned into the presence
of the Colonel, sir.

Now do not forget your P and Q.

No, I will watch them very carefully,
Rangi.

Charlie Waller, I want you to stand by
to serve tea all night.

Yes, Colonel, sir.

I will dispense my mostly enchanted tea
at all times.

Well, I have a cup now. I'm parched.

Sergeant Major, stand away from the
window.

You two, move my desk, will you? Yes,
sir. A little more room.

As big as you can.

Good dance.

You'd better sit down, then you won't
make such a large target.

Right. Settle down.

Now, pay attention, chaps.

Two attempts have already been made on
Sergeant Major's life.

There's no saying where these Chinese
johnnies will strike next, so you must

keep a good lookout.

They may try anything.

They might even try poison.

That's a point.

They may even have slipped something
into the child.

So no -one must drink the tea until...
Are you all right, Ashford?

Yes, I think so, sir.

That's all right, then. You can drink
the tea, chaps.

Oh, my God, is he?

I went to sit down and there wasn't a
chair there.

Pull yourself together, Ashford.

Right, Sergeant Major, if there's
anything you want, just let us know.

Bromley and Belmont? Yes, sir. You're in
charge.

Carry on.

Carry on.

Do you know what he said?

I'm in charge.

Gunners Clark and Evans, keep a sharp
lookout.

Gunner Macintosh, keep a look out that
window.

for Chinaman and things.

There.

That's that thing too, then.

What the hell do you think you were
doing?

I'm looking after you.

The colonel put me in charge.

Shut up.

The colonel said you've got to keep
sitting down. Don't judge me!

Why is in charge here and I do not need
a bunch of poofs to wet nurse me all

night?

But I have a message from the enchanting
Ling Su.

Why didn't you tell me before?

Because I did not wish to speak in front
of Colonel Sarp. She say her father has

plans for your safety as long as you can
get through the night.

That's going to be difficult.

With this lot guarding me.

Beaumont. Sergeant Major.

Excuse me.

If I might suggest something, Sergeant
Major. A thought has just occurred to

Thank you, Professor Einstein.

There will now be five minutes' silence
while the mighty brain of Lardy Dog and

a Graham ticks over.

I look at it this way, Sergeant Major.
They've already tried to kill you with a

knife and a scorpion. Now, if we can
work out all the different permutations

methods of dispatching you, then we can
anticipate them.

Well, in the Sherlock Holmes story, The
Speckled Band, a poisonous snake came

down the bell rope.

Thank you, Beaumont.

If I requires the butler during the
night, I will not use the bell rope.

They could use a poison dart, sir,
through a blowpipe.

Well done, clever boy.

But they could not get near enough.

They might use a very long blowpipe and
a Chinaman with a big puff.

I did not think of that one, Lofty.

Macintosh. Can you see a Chinaman out
there lurking with a 50 -foot pipe?

Nathan and everybody, Sergeant Major.

How strange. I thought the place would
be teeming with them.

I never once had fun in my life!

You! We're only trying to help, Sergeant
Major. Shut up!

We should consider all possibilities,
Sergeant Major. All possibilities,

Sergeant Major. I ask you, how could
they get near enough to use a blowpipe?

Oh.

These Chinese are very clever, Sergeant
Major.

Well, these Chinese are very clever,
Sergeant Major.

I tell you this, Mr. Lardy Dark Gunner,
Graham, they is not as clever as I am.

Hey, Vera. How? Get that flint gun. This
place is even with mosquitoes.

That's enough!

That's enough!

Right, you better load your rifles, I
suppose. Get the ammunition box,

Yes, sir.

What's the matter now?

It's very heavy.

On the way, on the way.

If I caught a Chinaman with a blowpipe,
I'd ram it right down his gob.

All right, Sergeant Major, all clear.
You can come out now.

Morning, gentlemen.

Morning, Sergeant Major.

No sign of any Chinaman?

No, sir.

They have to get up pretty early in the
morning to catch me out.

That is enough to saw right through the
board.

The Chinese fiends. Not

a

minute, sir.

She say that she is now ready to go with
you.

Well, go where?

To secret place in the hills where
you'll be married.

Her father has made all arrangements and
has car waiting.

I'll have to ask the colonel for leave.

Colonel, sir, if you go

with her, you will never be able to
return

here again.

That'll make me a deserter.

She says that if you love her, you will
go with her.

Of course I love her. You tell her that.

She

says

that her love for you will remain as
long as the moon and the stars... Father

the heavens.

She will go now to the temple and wait
for ten minutes.

If you do not then come, her father will
make her leave without you.

Sergeant Major Thob, what to do, huh?

What to do?

She is offering you a lifetime of
happiness and enchantment.

You see that better.

Huh, Thob?

Took me 20 years to get that.

It's the only thing I ever wanted.

Till now.

Bombardier Beaumont?

Sergeant Major.

We're going back to camp. Get the men
fell in.

Men?

You never called us that before, sir.

And Beaumont?

Sergeant Major.

Just for once.

Try and act like a soldier, will you?

I'll try, sir.

As if I can do it, boy.

So can you.

You know, there's an old Hindu proverb
which say that when the heart is full,

it is time for tears.

Happiness is as the butterfly.

If you can catch it in your hand, you
must either let it fly away or

keep it.

And watch it die.

B -O -Y -S boys to entertain you!