All language subtitles for it_ain_t_half_hot_mum_s03e03_bang_goes_the_maharajah

Meet the gang cause the boys are here,
the boys to entertain you.

With music and laughter to help you on
your way to raising the rafters with a

hey, hey, hey. With song and sketching
and jokes old and new. With us about you

and Bill Blue. So meet the gang cause
the boys are here, the boys to entertain

you.

3 -0 -3 -0 -Y -S, boys to entertain you.

Oh, blimey, you're here at a very
special time.

Concert party is giving one very
special, top -hold, funny show for

Barapua. But we British are knowing one
secret.

One concert party is having its funny
turn.

one of Maharaja Sahib's most loving sons
is going to be very naughty and shoot

his daddy.

Never mind.

There is no need to be worried because
gunner, lofty, sudden Sahib, that is the

one with the very high voice and the
very low head, has been volunteered by

Sergeant Major Sahib to throw himself
upon the body of Maharaja Sahib to

him from the nasty bullets.

Oh!

If Gunnar Laughty Saab does not throw
himself quickly enough, Sergeant Major

Saab is going to help him most kindly
with his foot.

Do you mind?

I'm doing my mascara in.

Sorry, sorry, old chap. It can't be a
tick just dabbing on the touch of the

blue cream.

I thought you'd have done better with a
duster and a dabberonic.

That's not funny, old man.

Joe!

All right, pay attention.

Gather round.

The commanding officer is about to
address you.

Pay attention, chaps. Can you all hear
me? Oh, yes, thank you, Colonel Stubb,

beautifully. Shut up and get out.

Don't send him away. We need him.

Now, we believe that the maximum time of
danger for the Maharaja will be while

you're actually doing your concert.
Because at that time, no one will notice

assassin because they'll all be
concentrating on you.

Oh, that's true.

Lots of people have told me that when
I'm out in front of an audience, I'm

magnetic. All eyes are riveted on me.

Oh, that is right, sir. Especially when
your drawers fall down round your knees.

Shut up.

Yes, do settle down. Now, because of
this, I tell the Maharaja the show can

last ten minutes.

Ten minutes?

But we never do less than an hour.

I'm sorry, to do any longer would be
absolute murder.

I couldn't agree more, sir.

Ten minutes. How can I score in ten
minutes?

I did once.

Hackintosh!

Wash your mouth out, boy.

Ten minutes. And the cowboy thing alone
runs ten minutes.

Could we do just that?

Without a build -up.

What does the cowboy scene consist of?

We're all cowboys. Well, some of us.

I see myself at the border.

Yes, and I'm a senorita.

A picture in old Spanish lay.

Oh, that is true, sir, for it is siesta,
and he is so gay.

Sounds absolutely first class.

Now, during the turn, it's absolutely
vital that you are going to... Suck

sir. Suck them, yes. Stay as close as
possible to the Maharaja. And you,

Sergeant Major, better stick right
beside him.

Or you better wear some sort of costume
or other, so you look part of the show.

Excuse me, sir, but that is not the sort
of thing I is impartial to.

I'm sorry, Sergeant Major, but this is
an emergency.

He'll ruin it.

He'll completely ruin it.

I will not ruin it, can I, Beaumont?

No, of course you won't, not completely.

Agatha, hadn't we better be armed, sir?
No, no, no, that would only arouse

suspicion. I shall have a revolver
concealed in my pocket, and Captain

will have something concealed in his
trousers as well.

Excuse me, sir, if... If we're all here,
who's watching the wretched Maharaja?

Who's watching the wretched Maharaja?
You.

Mr. Lardy, our gunner, Graham, is no
concern of yours. Sorry, sir.

As a matter of fact, Captain Ashwood is
keeping an eye on the Maharaja at this

very moment, so we've hardly anything to
worry about, have we, Sergeant Ritter?

Hardly anything, sir.

Oh, Vera. Let's out.

Yes, we should be seated as close as
possible to the Maharaja, and we would

you to stand behind us where you can get
a good view.

Oh, thank you, Colonel Staff.

But I have already seen the show. No,
no, no. I don't mean a good view of the

show. I mean a good view of the Maharaja
and the audience.

Now, if anybody makes a move, I shall
give a signal with my hanky, and then

will leap into action, Gunner... Yes,
that's right.

Now, your job is to get between the
assailant and the Maharaja.

It's very unlikely he'll fire with you
in the way.

Well, fairly unlikely.

Sir, how is I going to tackle this ass
-assailant without a gun?

Well, Captain Ashford will draw his
revolver out of his trousers and throw

you, and I will back you up. Is that
quite clear? Sir.

Is that quite clear? Yes, sir. I'll leap
as soon as you wag your hanky. Or as

soon as Ranji wags his hanky. Oh, stop.
I am only poor Bear, and I do not have

hanky. Well, you'll just have to wag
something else, won't you?

What's that? He can wag his doughty
sides. Yes, well, of course. That's a

idea. You can wag your doughty.

All right,

the rest of you, get ready for the
concert.

Move yourselves.

And we'd better find the sergeant major
a suitable disguise.

What a pity we're not doing the donkey's
serenade.

Ah,

good.

Well, we seem very well placed here.

If anyone makes a move from the front,
then that little fellow...

Thugdom. Thugdom, yes.

He throws himself in front of the
Maharaja, you pull your thing out of the

trousers and throw it to the thugdom.

I must say, it's truly uncomfortable
having this gun hidden in my trousers.

as bad for me, isn't it?

Now, if anyone comes from the rear, one
of us will have to throw ourselves in

the way and protect the Maharaja.

I seem to be the nearest.

So do I.

Would you like to change places?

No, not at all. Oh, good, sir. I shan't
forget this, um... Ashwood. That's

right.

Do you have something to eat, Colonel?

Oh, thanks awfully.

What do you suppose it is?

Oh, sir, it is a very great delicacy. It
is peacock heart stuffed with saffron

balls.

Oh, yes.

They must use up an awful lot of
peacocks.

I think they got through a tidy number
of saffronies as well.

Oh, thank you, bearer, peak eye.

What do you suppose this is? Very
special drink, sir. Made from fermented

camel's milk.

Is it?

Do you suppose they ferment the camels
or the milk?

Silly, I should have the milk, of
course. Cheers.

On second thoughts, maybe they ferment
the camels.

I find it rather moorish. Can I come
again?

Oh, be most careful, sir. This is like
the camels. It gives very nasty bite.

Right. Now, let's start the building.

So, uh, stand by, fellas.

Shall I get on to the piano?

Oh, yes. Oh, look, look. As we're not
doing an opening number, you'd better go

and make an announcement.

What, me?

Oh, you can do it.

Oh, all right. I'll have a go.

Right. We're starting, Lofty.

Oh, my God.

Oh, good, they're starting.

Uncle! Uncle!

Uncle!

Do be quiet, Vera. They haven't done
anything yet.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to our
show.

Oh, ho, ho, ho.

Tonight.

If you think it will be all right.

Tonight.

do an introduction.

I'm an old cowman from the Rio Grande

and I learned to ride before I learned

to stand.

I'm a cowboy who's never seen a cow.

I've never rocked a... Because I don't
know.

Get nearer, isn't it?

How careless!

You have no spices!

You see, he's meant to be my father, and
he's furious at him, who's my

boyfriend, because he's ogling me. But
he overacted because he's an amateur and

not very good.

I'm so sorry, Your Excellency. May we
continue?

Yes, con we may tin you.

Yes, you may carry on. But first, may I
give my son some little childish

presents? It's a family custom. We do it
every birthday.

Carry on, Sardimena. Then I sighed and I
whispered manana Never

dreaming that we were parting And I lied
as I whispered manana

never could resist a sweetie.

Right, now, whoever it is who's trying
to kill the Maharaja didn't show his

at the party.

Now, all the sons are going home
tomorrow morning, so whichever one of

going to do it will have to do it
tonight.

Now, all the windows in the Maharaja's
bedroom have steel shutters, so there's

only one way in which anyone can get
inside that roof, and that is through

chimney door.

Now,

I want an armed guard placed outside
that room all night. And on no account

anyone to go in or out. Is that quite
clear? Sir.

Sir, the poet in the Maharaja wants to,
um... There

is one in there.

Pull yourself together, Ashwood.

You're making an exhibition of yourself.

I'm awfully sorry, sir.

Now, the rest of us will sleep in here,
so as to be near at hand.

I know it's not very comfortable, but
we're all in the same boat, and we'll

jolly well have to rough it.

Oh,

thank you very much.

We can't drink it in front of the men,
sir. It'll make them jealous.

No, they won't be jealous. They never
have champagne.

In any case, you're not going to have
any. You've had plenty already.

Colonel, sir, here is the plan of the
old palace of the Maharaja that you

requested.

That's it, girls. Now we see that my lad
is now preparing to retire for the

night. We'd better post them sentries,
sir.

That'll be all, my man.

Go on, push off.

I can't take post.

Sir, give me the moonlight.

Give me the girl.

What do you mean, waking me up in the
centre of the night?

Cleverly, Ramzan overheard two of
Maharaja's sons talking at the passage.

Oh,

holy Krishna.

I must wake Sajeev Mehta Saab.

Sajeev Mehta Saab. Sajeev Mehta Saab.

What on earth is going on, Sajeev Mehta?
Oh, Karan Saab. Most terrible news.

He

said

he heard two of the Maharaja's sons
talking and they were going to store

one bucket of dynamite in the old snake
pit.

Dynamite? Good heavens.

Have you got that map of the palace?

Yeah, you'll be asked, sir.

Yes, well, I can't make head and tail of
that.

Excuse me, sir, I think you've got it
upside down.

Yes, yes.

Yes, it should go from left to right.

I thought all maps in India went from
right to left.

I think you're thinking of China, sir.

All right, well, you deal with it. Well,
we are here, sir, and the Maharaja's

bedroom is here.

Let me see.

The snake pit is here, right underneath
the Maharaja's bedroom.

He's going to blow the Maharaja up, sir.

Good heavens.

That means the son with the gun is the
blighter who's the dynamiter.

Now, it's quite clear, sir, what we need
is a volunteer to go into that snake

pit and bring out the dynamite.

Don't listen to me.

I'm hopeless at handling dynamite.

Always have been. Never was any good at
it, no matter how hard I tried.

Shut up.

But what about these snakes?

That's the point. Not to worry Colonel
Tom.

In olden times, this pit was full of
cobras, and Maharaja Sahib used to throw

their enemies down there.

But this was stopped by us British 100
years ago.

Now, that's a relief. We don't have to
worry about the snake, sir. No, sir.

Just the dynamite.

How did we get into that snake pit, sir?
Well, there's a trap door at the top of

the pit here, sir, just outside the
Maharaja's bedroom, and there's another

at the bottom of the pit down here.

I could go into the snake pit, sir,
through the door at the bottom, and get

dynamite.

Did you hear that, sir?

Well done, son. Boy.

But, uh, ooh, the colonel couldn't allow
that.

Oh, couldn't I? Oh, no, sir.

Besides, uh, going down in that snake
pit would play havoc with his dandruff.

Right, Ashwood, come along.

We'll try the door at the bottom of the
pit. You take your men and try and find

the trap door at the top of the pit.
Right, my lovely boy.

Come on, come in.

Damn fire, you should challenge them
first. Oh, yeah, right. Of course.

Oh, who goes there?

Friend or foe?

Shut up.

In a muggy -tosh. Stop. Stop looking
with that trapdoor. Far together, man.

Up.

There it is.

Right. Open it up.

Yeah!

It's no good. The door at the bottom of
the pit has two huge locks on it. Well,

can't you shoot them off, sir? I don't
risk it. One bullet in that dynamite and

we'll all be blown sky high.

Couldn't someone go down on a rope,
Sergeant Major?

Well done, good boy, but not you.

I will send the punkawalla for his rope.

Where the hell is he going to get a rope
bearer? Pardon me, sir, whoever heard

of punkawalla without rope?

It is his business.

We need some sort of a light.

Oh, sir, I've got a candle.

Mohamed? Yes, sir. Oh, Mohamed, look, go
to my prop basket and get my candle,

the one I use for the blowing out the
candle joke.

Oh, the blowing out of the candle joke?

Very silly funny, sir.

What is the blowing out the candle joke,
Beaumont?

Well, it goes sort of... Oh, yes,
awfully amusing.

What we need, sir, is somebody to go
down the aisle on a rope.

And whoever it is must have to be...
Light and small.

Now, who has we got who is light and
small?

Can I rev on?

Yes, Sergeant Major.

Can I boom on?

I'll be useless, Sergeant Major.

I'm no good at going down holes and
ropes.

Shut up.

Now, who else has we got what is light
and small?

Donna Sugden.

Yes, Sergeant Major.

Come, you lovely boy.

Now, them is the three volunteers, sir.

Right.

Now, whoever it is that's going down
there, I don't want it to be put off by

fact that it is a snake pit.

It was a snake pit a hundred years ago.
There are no snakes in it now.

That is, it's most unlikely there are
any snakes in it now. Is that right?

Don't you think that's kind of dumb?
Because the cobra cannot live for a

years.

Suppose they may have babies.

Shut up.

Now, the fairest thing to do, sir, is to
toss up and a hodman goes down the

hole.

Right? You ready?

Off you go, sir.

Heads. Heads.

Oh, dear.

It's gone down the hole.

How am I going to find out if it was
heads or tails?

Go down and have a look.

You might have won.

Look. I shall need two hands to cling on
to the rope.

I won't be able to handle the candle.
Just a second, Sergeant Major. I've got

idea. Lend us your hand.

There we are.

There is no doubt about it, Gunner
Graham.

When it comes to screwing candles in
pith helmets, it's university education

comes in handy.

birthday lofty.

Happy birthday, lofty. Happy birthday,
lofty. Happy birthday, lofty.

Happy birthday, lofty.

Happy birthday, lofty. Happy birthday,
lofty. Happy birthday, lofty. Happy

birthday, lofty. Happy birthday, lofty.

Happy birthday,

lofty.

Shut up and get on with it. Not just
now.

Lord, I'm waiting.

It's too big and it's made of lead.

Tell him to stuff the sticks of dynamite
in his pockets.

Stuff the sticks of dynamite in your
pockets.

I haven't got enough pockets.

Well, stuff them in your trousers then.

Now you made a sound, sis. Stuff it up
your trousers.

Right. Stand by to pull him up, boys.

I wonder what this long piece of
string's for.

Right, Sergeant Major. Gently.

That's it.

Keep

pulling.

I can't, Sergeant Major. It must be
caught on something.

What do you want about Paul?

It's that, Sergeant Major.

Let him down.

He won't go down either, Sergeant Major.
He's completely stuck.

Can you hear the snake?

It's hissing.

No, Sergeant Major Carl. You see, he can
hear the snake hissing, but it is not a

snake. No, Sergeant Major, it's not a
snake.

You'd better come down.

I have to report that Gunner Sugden is
dangling in mid -hair, caught fast, and

that is in sound you can hear is the end
of a fuse, which is attached to a

detonator and a stick of dynamite in his
trousers, along with several other

sticks of dynamite of the same nature.

Is it a fast or slow -burning fuse?

I think it's a slow -burning, sir. Yes,
sir, it's definitely a slow -burning

fuse. It's about four feet long, and it,
uh, let me see, it should burn at, uh,

a diathermic coefficient... Get on with
it! Get on with it!

He's got about four minutes, 53 seconds,
sir.

Well, that'll be blown sky -high!

Pull yourself together, gunner thingy.
We've got plenty of time to work things

out. Sir, sir, could we, like, pour
something over the fuse and distinguish

Charles, how much do you got in that
hood?

Pull up, sir. I'll give it to you.
Quick, quick, move yourself.

That'll be five rupees, sir. Yes, sir.

Left a bit, left a bit.

No, no, no, no. Right a bit.

Now, left a bit.

Oh, dear me.

Is it out?

Still sizzling, sir.

Here, why don't we try swinging him?
That might put it out.

Watch yourself.

Sizzling Sergeant Major, sir. Is this
any use, Sergeant Major?

Where did you get that from? It was
hanging on the wall all the time. It was

hanging on the wall all the time.

The fuse is still sizzling, sir.

We've got three minutes left, sir. Well,
either someone goes down another rope

and puts that fuse out, or we run for
it.

Let's run for it.

Give me that other rope, Graham.

Pardon me to stop you. I'm still totally
brave.

Shut up.

I shan't forget this, Sergeant Major...
Sergeant Major... Williams.

Stand still! Stand

still!

Now, I am going to pull the fuse out of
the dynamite.

Your Excellency, one of your sons is
trying to kill you. But that's quite

absurd. My sons all love me.

But he stored dynamite under your
bedroom, sir. He was going to blow you

That dynamite was to make a swimming
pool.

The ground here is like iron.

But we had a message from Delhi that one
of your seven sons was trying to kill

you. Seven?

But I have only five.

The Maharaja of Bharatpur has seven.

Beg your pardon, sir.

Is you not the Maharaja of Bharatpur?

No. I'm the Maharaja of Chotapur. The
Maharaja of Chotapur's palace is just

there, just across the river.

A most unpleasant fellow.

You've brought us to the wrong palace,
Ashwood.

I say I'm most awfully sorry, sir.

You know, there is an old Hindu proverb
which say that if you have something

hissing in your trousers...

This is not necessarily a snake.

Thank you. Thank you.