All language subtitles for it_ain_t_half_hot_mum_s03e02_mind_my_maharajah

Meet the gang cause the boys are here.
The boys to entertain you.

With music and laughter to help you on
your way. To raving around with a hey,

hey, hey.

With thongs and fetches and jokes old
and new. With us about you and Phil

Go meet the gang cause the boys are
here. The boys to entertain you.

B -O -B -O -Y -S.

Boys to entertain you.

Stop your damn wailing.

And sit up straight when you're
punkering.

Do your pulling in military fashion.

And do not be so slumicky, like Bag of
Sherbet tied round loose.

What to do? For two whole days now,
battery office telephone has been

the Bob Z. Dido.

Now, some of you will not be
understanding the slang used by us

I'll tell you what playing up the Bob Z.
Dido means.

It means, no ruddy go to town.

One thing more worth.

Sergeant Major Saab is thinking that
whole of India is doing to him one very

British religious custom called taking
the mickey.

Burner! Oh, blimey. Coming, Sergeant
Major Saab.

Sergeant Major Saab.

This chatty full of parney look jolly
about it.

Oh, sir, you have such great command of
our wonderful Indian language.

Shut up. And British language too, sir.

Sergeant Major, there's someone on the
line who says he's Delhi.

Delhi? Delhi?

I'll give him Delhi.

Hello? Sir, the R .A. Depot Deolali is
on the line. Oh, good. I'll take it

myself, sir. Top secret.

Standish, military intelligence Delhi
here.

Shut up!

Now, you're this Mr. La -dee -da, Gunner
Graham. I know as well as you know that

this is Saturday afternoon and you've
gone down to the Doolady Bazaar to make

this phone call for to take the mickey
out of you, Sergeant Major.

But you does not fool me, Gunner Graham,
because I recognises you on account of

the fact that you has a voice like a La
-dee -da poof!

Gunner Graham here, Sergeant Major
Starr.

I is very sorry, sir.

You has been listening to the voice of a
gunner clerk, sir, what is a practical

joker, and is now under close arrest.

Splendid. Look, I want to speak to your
commanding officer myself. It's top

secret. Yes, sir, yes, sir, yes, sir.

Bearer! Tell Colonel Saab top secret
message from Delhi.

Colonel Lennon, it's a rather amusing
little treatise on the late 17th century

metaphysical poets.

Get out!

The Colonel will not be long, sir.

Shall we give you a tinkle back, sir?
No, no, no. Keep the line open.

Certainly, sir.

What sort of weather has you been
obtaining down there in Delhi?

Reynolds here.

Standish here.

Military intelligence, Delhi.

Now, look, what I have to say to you is
top secret.

And nobody must hear us. I hear you.

Now, move further away, will you, sir?

Now, take this down.

And not too close.

Right. Quite ready, sir.

Now, in 48 hours' time, I want you and
your entire unit to go to the following

location.

Now, this is absolutely top secret.

And on no account must it go any further
than this room.

Sir. Oh, beg your pardon, sir.

How do we not better get rid of that
punk of Waller, sir?

Some of them natives can lure for miles.

Good idea, sir. Ha!

You!

Get the other side of that square up the
double. This is top secret!

Read it in the paper.

Move it, sir! Hurry, hurry!

You move it up, move it up!

Hey, we're going to get most frightfully
muggy in here without that punk of

Wallace and Waffier about.

Good point, Ash. Why don't you pull the
string?

Yes.

Now, DHQ Denny have got wind of a plot
to assassinate the Maharaja of

I'm Gilbert the Filbert, but not with
the cane, for the pride of Picardini.

Ashwood, what on earth are you doing?

I'm punkering, sir. Whatever for?

Because you ordered me to punker, sir.
Yes, but I didn't order you to sing

Gilbert the Filbert.

I don't know any Indian punker songs.

Oh, thank goodness for that. Silly arse,
come inside.

We cannot send troops to guard the
Maharaja because that might enrage the

faction. Oh, yes, sir, the other
fraction.

But it so happens that it is his
birthday, so they're sending us along to

him a show.

Now, the crafty part about this is we
appear to be a concert party, but we are

in reality proper troops.

That's a matter of opinion, sir.

Well, it's up to you, Sergeant Major.
Bring them up to scratch.

I mean, this might be quite a nasty
business.

Give them plenty of practice on the
rifle range, polish up their bayonet

drill... And we leave for the Maharaja's
palace in 48 hours.

Ah.

Oh, excuse me, sir. Is we going by rail
or on the three -tonner? Neither. We go

by riverboat.

Oh, and remember, not one word to the
men till we get there. This whole

is absolutely hush -hush.

What are you doing there?

Do not worry, Colonel Sarge. Your secret
is totally safe.

I'm entirely hush -hush.

Excuse me, sir.

Bearer, has that char -waller and punk
-a -waller been listening too?

No, no, no, no, no, Sergeant Major. I
promise they were not listening.

They were packing for riverboat.

A long, long trail of winding into the
land of my dreams.

What is Biden you going to go on?

I'm still seasick.

Seasick, seasick?

That was my age -old dream.

People have no conception of how
sensitive I am.

Do you know, I was prostrate for three
days after I saw anchors away.

Shut up!

Are you sure this is the Maharaja's
palace, sir? It should be, sir,

that Indian boy down the jetty. He was
very friendly towards me, sir. He asked

me if I'd like to meet his sister.

Dirty hornet in this palace.

Move yourself.

Jolly!

Move yourself!

Move yourself!

Put it down there, chaps.

Come on, I'll be very gentle with you.

Lower it. Lower it down.

Where's the sun? What you expect is full
of rifles and ammo.

My dress is to be crushed with no
recognition.

If we hadn't left the camp five minutes
before Park is forced, I'd have punched

him in my wet boob. Shut up.

I think we ought to announce our
presence.

Anybody around?

Anybody around?

Heckle, sir.

I don't think there's anybody here, sir.

Here, Lofty.

Look at them collars.

They have right big poodles here, don't
they, Sergeant?

Oh, Sergeant Major Saab, these are not
for doggies. Oh, no, no. They are for

tigers. To guard Maharaja Saab.

Tigers? Oh, they're not loose.

No, no, don't get hysterical.

Why don't we feel them and see if
they're warm?

That's a good idea.

University education.

Got a bone, what? Feel them collars.

Is this our idea? Feel them!

They're all cold and clammy.

That'll be your hand, Saab, because like
me, you are a very big coward.

My, this come from a big Sunday joint.

I should put that down if I was you,
Sugden. You don't want one of them

to come back and find you fiddling with
his dinner.

Yes, well, obviously the tigers are not
here now, so there's hardly anything to

worry about. Now, how do we get here? Go
on, stop.

There is one gong.

I'll give it a bash someday.

Off you go, Sugden.

The gong.

The monsignor made it. He did you his!

Now you will pay for that out of your
own pocket, bar of damages. Move his

Move his hand!

Sir, may I just ask? There is one knob
here for pulling bells.

Well done, Vera.

Do you want me to give it a tug?

I don't think he should. He's done
enough for one day.

I shall attend to it personally.

You speak, you think.

Oh, so there is. That's obviously the
way they expect us to get in touch with

them.

Yes, you have a go, Sergeant Major.

Thank you, sir. One minute, sir. Be most
careful. There may be creepy, cranny

things down there that will bite you
dead.

Yes, Sergeant Major.

It's coming to dark, right? Stand to
attention, chaps.

Good afternoon. I'm Colonel Reynolds,
and this is the Royal Artillery Cops

Party.

What was all that about?

Colonel Todd, he said that blade man
entrance is round the back side.

I'll give him tradesman's entrance.

I said it, Sergeant Major. The whole
palace might fall down.

So I'm right, sir, for being
discourteous to a British officer.

Well.

Something wrong here seems to work, sir.

You talk to him, Ashworth.

I say, we are the Royal Artillery
Concert Party and we're here for the

Maharaja's birthday to do a sort of
turn.

Captain Tubb, he says please to come in.

Ah, it's better. Come on, chaps.

Right, come on, you lovely boys. Smart
yourself up. See the Maharaja.

Not very homely, is it? Shut up.

He says,

will you please to wait? Because his
accident will be here within two or

days.

What do we do now, sir?

Here, love, do you know what's happened
to them guard dogs?

Don't touch me!

Pardon me, Judge.

If we had just come here to do a show,
why is my dress basket full of rifles?

And why have we been doing all that
wretched bayonet fighting?

Wretched bayonet fighting?

Well, Mr. Lauderdale, Gunner Graham,
I... Sorry if I has put you out by

you behave like a proper soldier, but it
just so happens that in the next 48

hours you may well have to defend
yourself.

What, we're paying it?

The audiences here must be worse than
Glasgow.

I enjoy a challenge.

While we're waiting, I think I'll put
the chaps in the picture. Very good,

Sergeant Major, the colonel's going to
put the chaps in the picture.

Right, pay attention, gather round.

Your commanding officer is going to
address you.

Not you, not...

You think you need to drive out of
Europe?

All right, Sergeant Major Saab. We will
be disappearing like greedy lightning.

Quite right.

Come along, you noisy parker. Colonel
Saab is going to tell all chappies some

top -hole secrets about a wicked plot to
assassinate Maharaja Saab.

Oh!

Oh! Move it, Saab!

There's absolutely nothing to worry
about.

But apparently there's a secret plot to
assassinate the Maharaja.

Now, the British don't hold with that
sort of thing.

So we've been sent here to protect him,
and if necessary, with our lives.

Well, I don't help with that sort of
thing.

I think that's all you need to know at
the moment.

Colonel Sarp, Colonel Sarp, you have
forgotten the most important top secret

about Maharaja Sarp's son.

Oh, of course.

They suspect that the plot will be led
by the Maharaja's son.

And also, Colonel Tharpe, most
important, Marauder Tharpe is coming to

door in raw rice.

Right! Get probably back in!

Move his hat! Move his hat! Start from
your knees!

Tharpe! Tharpe! Move his hat!

Now straight to the Marauder.

Good afternoon, sir, Your Excellency.

Oh, Reynolds!

Sorry I wasn't here to welcome you
myself.

Where is my servant?

He's not here at the moment.

We found a bit of difficulty in getting
hold of him, actually.

Really? Yes, he is a bit sluggish.

Wake yourself up, Pandit. You must be
rather tired after your journey.

Do you fancy some snooker?

How about you, Ashwin? A cup of tea
would be absolutely marvellous.

Famous snooker. No, thank you. I never
touch it. Now, I'm not much of a hand

either. Beg your pardon, sir. I would be
honoured to give His Majesty a frame or

two if he's in the mahoon.

Excellent.

Call.

Head.

Tail.

You've read, sir, madam.

Very good, sir.

Well, them queues get a Beaumont.

Sergeant Major, sir, permit me to do
chalky.

Sergeant Major,

I'd

let him win if I were you.

He's not a hoarder, sir.

More or less.

Yes, sir.

Would you care to back your man with 100
rupees, Colonel?

No, thanks.

I've seen him play.

He's awfully good.

I'll back him to win for 100 rupees.

Ashwood, I... Right taken.

Can I have a word with you, sir? Yes.

What do I do now?

You couldn't draw, I suppose, could you?

Indeed, Your Majesty. Indeed not.

Pandit, stand by.

He said good shot.

Humour hidden, sir.

See, wasn't that cheating a bit?

Ignore it, Asher.

I just have a father turkey line.

He said my Raja Sahib is playing top
hole well today.

Bit of a fluke, if you ask me.

I never played like this before, sir.

Not even in Swansea.

I say, it's a bit of a rum do, isn't it?

Take the notice.

Oh, my word, Your Majesty.

Tough taters.

I was always going to get that one, eh?

Your Majesty has left me a bit of a
sitting duck, I knew.

Would you care for a hundred rupees on
it, Colonel?

No, not for me, but for Ashford might.

Take it. He's bound to pot it, and
that'll cancel the other hundred.

Shall I take it, Sergeant Major?

Money in a bank, sir.

Right, I'll take it.

He say bad luck.

Hugh is cheating.

I think that's a bit strong.

No, it's quite right.

Pandit, how often have I told you not to
do that with your right hand?

I forfeit my turn. Your play.

Yes, well, that is a bit of a tricky
one, isn't it?

Sergeant Major, why didn't you get Randy
to clear the way for it with the little

brush? Little?

Smart boy.

University education.

Your Majesty, would you mind if our man
borrows you a little brush for a minute?

Oh, certainly.

You are too kindly.

You know what to do, Bearer. Oh, yes,
Sergeant Major, sir.

When sheepies are down, I'm totally
loyal Indian.

Especially when man is standing behind
me and is flicking knife into my

backside.

Ah, that will be my son.

He's good on the trumpet, isn't he?

Shut up!

You'll excuse me. I must welcome him and
escort him to the guest lodge.

Come, Pandit.

I reckon he was cheating you.

Ashwin, the sun has arrived.

We'd better get on the radio and get in
touch with Intelligence Den. Yes. Fight!

I joined the army yesterday, so the army
of today is all right.

You getting anything, Ashwin?

Well, I think it's sort of alive, sir.

How are you getting on with the
procedure book, Sergeant Major? Well,

word for concert party, sir, is con
-par.

Con -par. And all commanding officers is
sun -ray, so that makes you sun -ray

con -par.

Sunray Compa.

What a pretty name.

I want to get in touch with the
commanding officer, Intelligence Deli.

Oh, well, I'll be, uh, Sunray Intelli
-Deli, sir.

Right, go ahead.

Hello?

Sunray Compa calling Sunray Intelli
-Deli.

Over.

Can you hear anything?

Yes, he says Sunray Intelli -Deli
calling Sunray Compa.

Well, tell him we said it first.

That means he can hear you, sir. He
does?

Oh, good.

Now, what is the code word for the sun
has arrived?

Sun has arrived?

Sun, sun has arrived, sir.

Flewpuff.

What was that?

Flewpuff, sir.

You can see it.

Well, try it, Ashford.

Hello, Sunray Kampar calling Sunray in
Teledeli.

What's he say?

He's gone off the air, sir.

Perhaps he took it personally.

There's an Indian chappy on the line
now.

Vera? Get them earphones on.

Hello?

He say, which floo -poof?

Which floo -poof?

He probably means which son has arrived,
sir.

Ask him how many floo -poofs there are.

Ask him which

son is going to kill the puff.

He says, the son with the gun.

And, sir, he say more. He say, one of
the son's wives will have a weapon

under her sari.

What sort of weapon?

Oh.

He say, a knife.

And Maharaja, sir, must be protected at
all cost. Yeah?

And he say, if necessary, one of you
must... Throw yourself in front of

Maharaja's heart.

I see. Well, it's all absolutely crystal
clear.

As you know, someone's out to kill the
Maharaja.

But the whole question is, who is going
to make the attempt on his life?

Will it be the wife with the knife?

Or will it be done by the son with the
gun?

Many sons are arriving outside, and
they're having with them their most

beautiful wives.

Trouble never comes single, sir.

Don't be such a clever dickie.

Come on, Axel, we'd better go and look
him over.

Sergeant Major, find somebody to act as
personal bodyguard to the Maharaja.

Ha! Right.

You know what the Hovs have said. You're
probably going to move yourself.

Move yourselves! Ha!

Right.

Now I know full well.

that each and every one of you wants to
guard the Mar -a -Raja.

So, I will select the volunteer.

Gunner Beaumont.

Well, I'd love to do it, really, I
would.

Only thing is, in the excitement of it
all, I might well run away.

I'll do it, Sergeant Major.

Ooh.

Good boy.

Brave lad.

Ship off the old block, eh?

Shoulders back, boy.

Find better shoulders.

Show them off.

Show them off.

Unfortunately, he was too young.

Let us consider Mr. Lardy Dog and a
Graham.

Well, it's not quite my cup of tea,
Sergeant Major.

It's my cup of tea, Sergeant Major.

It is not none of your cups of tea,
because... People who are Sarsenitz

moderators is not going to be put off by
a grope of poofs.

If someone takes a shot at him with a
gun, I don't see what we can do,

I'll tell you what you can do. You can
move fast like a bat out of hell. That's

what you can do. And if you does not,
you will be on a ready fizzle.

But I is grateful to you, Nobby, for
pointing out the qualifications what is

required. The man selected must not only
move like lightning, he must have a

body what will offer most resistance.

to high -velocity projectiles and
bullets.

A bullet would go right through you,
wouldn't it?

Yes, Sergeant Major.

A pea shooter would go right through
you, wouldn't it?

Yes, Sergeant Major.

You is possible.

front Rob Roy you

was even more possible

Stand up, Sugden. I said stand up!

For I is going to measure you with
qualifications.

Beautiful.

Beautiful!

You is the winner.

Gunner Sugden, you is going to have the
honour of guarding the Mara Raja, and

does you know why?

No, Sergeant Major. I will tell you,
because you may not be the quickest.

but he was definitely the thickest.

Now, pay attention, Ganasagdan.

Tonight, you will be at instant
readiness the old time to defend the

Maharaja with your body.

At least in the danger, you must throw
yourself between him and the would -be

asylum.

Is that clearly understood?

a bucket of water over that man, tell
him to get practising!

Will lofty Thab's body be thick enough
to stop the assailant's bullet?

And will our heroes find the son with
the gun or the wife with the knife in

to save Maharaja Thab's life?

Listen in and watch out for next week's
Rilling in Starry Men.

Thank you.

B -O -Y -S Boys to entertain you!