All language subtitles for it_ain_t_half_hot_mum_s02e08_the_night_of_the_thugs

The boys to entertain you. B

-O -Y -S, boys to entertain you.

Come and meet those dancing feet.

On the avenue on St.

Paul's 42nd Street.

Hear the beat of dancing feet.

This song I love, the melody of 42nd
Street.

The show seems to be going well there.
We're absolutely first class.

The audience is...

It would be awfully good for these chaps
stuck out here in the middle of nowhere

to get a live show.

Bucks up their Murano in.

Yes, sir.

They're very uplifted.

Here,

Randy. It's the white Mr. Dover number
next. Stand by with a click.

Get up there.

Ring, click.

Tell me.

40 seconds.

He's got it upside down.

The clock should go on top.

But God, he has never seen white clip of
Doha.

That is your business.

40.

40. 40.

40 seconds.

Here, fellas, what about that Ruby
Keeler? What a girl, eh? What a girl!

What a puff!

And now we say goodbye to the glamour,
sophistication and magic of Broadway and

hello to the white cliffs of Dover as we
sing for you a melody of your favourite

bird songs.

Take it away, Professor!

of Dover.

Oh, I am so proud.

It's the least tear to eye of every true
blue British.

God bless Berlin.

Great true English gentleman.

Oh,

now. What beautiful

bows you both make.

These feathers are killing me.

Don't forget your egg, sir. Do you want
me to put it in position for you?

Over the quiet hills, slowly the shadows

fall. Far down the edging vale, birds
softly call.

Slowly the golden sun sings.

With respect, sir, I do not like to see
two men making up to each other.

It's not natural.

They're supposed to be birds.

They're also supposed to be soldiers,
sir.

Don't seem to make no difference.

Don't mind, Sergeant Rachel. I'm trying
to listen to the show.

threatening to?

Nothing to worry about, Sergeant Major.

Monsoon's not due to start till the end
of tomorrow.

I'm not singing, I'll keep going.

I think I could have a hand of work with
the audience.

Oliver, why not change number for
singing in for the end of it?

Look here, Cap.

Bye -bye.

Yes, Sergeant Major?

You was in the Boy Scouts, weren't you?

How on earth did you guess, Sergeant
Major?

How on earth did you guess, Sergeant
Major?

I guess, Gunner Graham, because you look
so flippin' soppy, so pure and stupid.

Get a big fire going down there at the
double move yourself.

Yes, Sergeant Major. The rest of you,
strip down to your drawer, sell your

Sergeant Major, may I have a word with
you in private, please? What do you

Well, when I was doing my Ruby Keeler
number and I had the drip on...

I didn't have my drawer's pellet on
underneath.

Then when I did the quick change into my
canary costume, I still didn't have

them on.

Then it started to rain and what I'm
trying to say is I still don't have my

drawer's pellet on.

Oh dear, how sad. Never mind.

You'd just have to flutter your feathers
dry then, would you?

Come on, I shouldn't strip off.

But if we stand around naked, the men
might forget we're officers, sir. Yes,

that's a point.

We can't have that.

I tell you what, we'll keep our
officer's hats on. That'll do the trick.

Hey, Solly, look at this. The colours
have all run.

Never mind, sunshine.

Now they can see you're British through
and through.

Hey, Solly, this place gives me the
creeps. What is it? I don't know.

It's not a synagogue, I can tell you
that.

Here, Randy.

What is this place? Oh, stop.

This is very badly stopped.

Board cut up.

Oh, yes, sir.

This is very old, thuggy temple, sir.

Oh, thuggy. Thuggy. Oh, oh, oh.

What's a thuggy? Well, actually, they
were an ancient cult.

The thugs, or thugs, the pronunciation
is immaterial, used to waylay travelers

and strangle them. This is totally
correct, sir.

These thugs were terrible men, sir. They
used to worship the goddesses Kali and

Devi. Kali and Devi?

I was on the bill with them at the
Estony Padrome.

Please not to joke, sir.

Look, sir, that is the goddess V, and
see her eyes are blood -red.

They certainly do flash.

I wonder what sort of stones they are.

Rubies, I shouldn't wonder, sir. Rubies?
They must be worth a fortune.

Why has nobody tried to steal them? Oh,
Colonel, sir, they would not dare,

because they would be afraid of the
curse of the thugs.

How frightfully interesting.

Tell me, how did they operate?

Well, Captain Saab... A gang of thugs
would lie in wait, Saab,

on the Grand Trunk Road until a party of
rich merchants came by, Saab. They

would then pile in with them and pretend
to be fellow travelers, isn't it, Saab?

They would then stay with them until
they camped for the night.

Then one of the thugs would look upwards
to the sky.

And also, all the merchants would look
upwards.

And then, Tob, in a flash, the thugs
would whip out one length of

yellow silk, Tob.

They would throw around the necks of the
merchants and they would strangle them.

Then they would bury the bodies and
steal all the loot.

I've got an agent who does that.

What happened to the thugs, Tob?

The British did away with them over a
hundred years ago, sir, and they have

never been heard of since.

Oh, it's a relief.

Until this year, sir, when again
travellers have started to disappear.

Rubbish.

Harry Dosh. Yes, Sergeant Major.

See if that truck's arrived yet.

Sir.

The sooner we get out of this place, the
better. It still gives me the creeps.

It's not exactly the Bombay Yacht Club,
is it?

There's no sign of the truck, Sergeant
Major.

There ain't stopped, though.

But it's starting to get awfully dark.

I knew it.

We're going to get stranded in this
horrible place.

And for all we know, there may be
hundreds of thugs creeping around,

jump out and strangle us.

Pull yourself together, Gunner. Don't
get historical.

I can't help it. I just feel all these
eyes on us.

Rubbish. Look, you're letting your
imagination run away with you. India's

of all these old legends.

Oh, of course, sir.

When you've been in India as long as I
have, boy, you don't take no notice of

these daft fairy tales.

Things creeping out in the night and
trying to strangle you, my words, for

whatever name.

Frankly amusing, eh?

What the hell are you doing here?

This is a holy place.

We are sheltering from the rain.

I am the curator of the historic
monuments in this area.

And I am telling you, you cannot stay
here.

I don't care if he was the creator of
the historic carty.

I am telling you, we are staying here.

We shall belong. We're just waiting for
our truck to pick us up.

Nothing will get through tonight.

The river is swollen and the bridge is
down.

I tell you, you cannot stay here. She
will not like it. Who?

Her?

The goddess Devi.

Everywhere you go, her eyes will be
watching you.

You cannot get away from those eyes.

I tell you, this is a holy place.

And you are defiling it.

You don't smell so good yourself,
Johnny.

I think perhaps I'd better deal with
this.

Now, look here, my good fellow. Don't
you patronize me, huh?

You are not talking to some damn native,
you know.

We offer to give them something to the
church fund, sir.

You be quiet, Ashwood.

Look, we're going to stay here. We've
nowhere else to go. You fools.

You damn fools!

I would not stay here the night if you
were to give me one lakh of rupees.

Oh, look at that.

Get them in on parade, Sergeant. Right.

Now, look here, chaps.

We've got to spend the night here, and
it won't be very comfortable.

But at least you know there is no
privilege.

We are all exactly in the same boat.

Excuse me, Colonel South. I've set up
your camp bed and mosquito net and laid

out dry, clean uniforms.

Here, you carry on, Maria.

Right, chaps. Make yourselves as
comfortable as you can, and if you've

troubles, just come to me.

Right, fall out.

Get your clothes back on, boys. They
should be dry by now.

And before you settle in for the night,
I think, plus I should warn you, that

Temple's Ruins and such like is the
natural habitat of scorpions.

What do we do if we see one?

Nothing, lovely boy, until they brings
their backsides over their heads and

you can watch out.

Especially gonna Beaumont, because
scorpions do not like canaries.

I'm gonna sag down you as first on
guard.

If you get into any trouble, you will
report to the guard commander here, who

Bombardier Donald Duck. Any questions?

Yes, Sergeant Major.

Whereabouts is the lavatory?

Outside.

200 yards in any direction.

Come in, Sergeant Major, sir.

How much char you got left?

A whole handful and 400 cups. I'm
requisitioning the lot.

How many cakes have you got?

Eight, sir.

Right. There are? A minute, sir.

Divide these cakes up. Half each for us.

And one old one for the Colonel.

And, sir, as there are cakes, you can
have one half as well.

Sir, you say there is one half cake for
each of us and one whole cake for

Colonel, sir, isn't it? That is correct.

But, sir, there is nothing for poor
Punkawalla.

If he had anything to eat, would he
share it with us?

No.

Well, I tell him.

Moonlight becomes you.

It goes with your hair.

Am I shining?

If them's real rubies, they must be
worth a fortune.

Yeah, just think, I've been up there for
hundreds of years and nobody's dare

touch them.

Listen, why don't we wait till
everybody's creeping and go up there and

them?

Come on, Mac, no, don't say we're
missing.

Look, what we do is we go up there, take
both the rubies, right?

Cut one in half, right?

Put one half in each socket and keep the
other one.

Wouldn't they notice that it had turned
from a big -eyed idol into a squinty

-eyed idol?

We'll draw lots to see who goes and gets
the rubies. You first, Lofty.

It's you.

Aren't the others going to draw?

There's no point.

You couldn't get a shorter match stick
than that.

Now, Gloria, I went to the Tower of
London once.

And the rubies in the crown jewels
weren't half as big as those.

Think how much those must be worth.

Oh, thousands of pounds.

Think what we could do with the money.

We could put out our own shows after the
war. Look, I've had this idea for a

long time now. I thought when we're all
demobbed, when it's all over, I thought

I'd get together a bunch of chaps just
like myself.

We'd put on this show, you see.

And I've got a smashing title for it.
What? What do you think of this?

Soldiers in dresses.

Soldiers in dresses? What about soldiers
in frocks?

Oh, no.

I prefer soldiers in dresses. You would.

Anyway, don't breathe a word to anybody
else.

Bought you a cup of tea, Sergeant Major
Saab.

Oh, Sergeant Major Saab, those terrible
eyes.

Whenever I turn, they are looking at me.

Bright, aren't they?

Worth a bob or two, I shouldn't wonder.

Yes, Sergeant Major Saab, many lakhs of
rupees.

You could do with some of them rupees, I
bet.

Oh, Sergeant Major Saab, what you are
suggesting?

It is not right for one Indian man to
steal from other Indian men.

You know what I want to do when I leave
the army?

Oh, yes, Sergeant Major Saab. Fade away.

Like in the beautiful old song, isn't
it, Saab?

All soldiers never die, they only fade
away.

I know this big widow woman in Pont -au
-Prince.

Lovely she is.

I'd like to buy a little pub and settle
down with her.

I can see me behind that bar with her,
doing that every night.

Oh, Sergeant Major, you British are so
ingenious.

Kama Sutra from cover to cover.

But nowhere have I seen this.

All I need is money to do that.

Oh, Sergeant Major Sarbin Blighty, you
have to pay to do that?

Money to buy the pub.

Now, listen, Bearer, when everybody's
asleep,

I want you to do something in the night.

What do you want me to do in the night,
Sal?

Creep up and get them rubies.

Sergeant Major, these thugs are terrible
men.

If they find those rubies are missing
and that I have taken them, I will never

be doing anything in the night again.

Nothing, sir. Just thinking.

Yes, I've been thinking too.

I can't sleep with those two eyes
looking at me.

They must be worth a fortune, you know.

You know, as soon

as everybody's asleep, I want you to
creep up there and get those two rubies.

And we'll share them, one each.

I couldn't do that. That's a terrible
suggestion.

I mean, they're not ours.

Look here, Ashford.

How long is it since you've seen your
wife?

It's over two years now, sir.

And I bet you miss her, don't you?

Yes, that's what I was thinking about
just now.

You live in Servetford, don't you?

No, Richmond, actually. Well, same
place.

Now, look, I want you to imagine that
you've just been demobbed.

And you draw up outside your house in a
taxi.

But I only live 50 yards from the
station.

You put the key in the door and go
inside.

And there she is, standing there.

You haven't seen her for two whole
years.

She runs towards you.

And you say, look what I've got in my
hand.

She looks down and there it is.

Something that will set you up for the
rest of your life.

One of those rubies.

That's barefaced stealing, sir. Not if
you take it from the Indians.

It's our empire, isn't it?

Not for very much longer, sir.

Precisely. Let's take advantage while
we've still got it.

What's that you've got in your hand,
sir?

My wife's supposed to see that.

It's me.

This is... This is my knife.

I was... I was just going to sharpen it.

So was I.

Oh, sorry. I was just on my way out to
the toilet.

Here they are.

All right, lovely boy, get them boxes
loaded.

Move yourselves, move yourselves.

Oh, I never thought I'd live to see the
day when I'd be pleased to put on a

uniform. You know, having those feathers
on all night, I played havoc with my

skin.

You never managed to get the rubies,
but... Shut up!

No, Penny, that's too late now.

I'll make it up. What?

Why did you not steal those rubies last
night?

Several other persons had the same idea.

They was round that Ida like flies round
a jam jar.

Oh, Sergeant Major Staub, bang goes your
chance of doing that with your big

widow.

Our trucks arrived, Major Staub.

And damn good riddance to damn rotten
rubbish.

Sergeant Major Staub, Sergeant Major
Staub, I have got one jolly good idea

to get hold of those rubies. What? That
Curieto fellow is ignorant chap.

And he does not know real value, sir. I
can offer to buy them from him on your

behalf. Keep your voice down. I don't
want everybody to hear.

Yes, sir. Offer him 50 rupees.

Yes, sir.

Come on, boys.

Move yourselves now. Move yourselves.

Say what he says.

Yes, sir.

He says he will not take 50 rupees, but
he wants 500.

Five!

500? Yes, sir. That is very cheap.

Think of the real value.

Have you got 100?

Wait a minute.

Excuse me, sir.

Yes? You know them eyes?

What eyes?

Them rubies, sir. They're very valuable.

Oh, are they?

We hadn't really given them much
thought, have we, Ashwood?

No, practically no thought at all.

Well, the bearer here, sir, says that he
can buy them from the creator for 500

rupees. That is totally correct, sir.

The thing is, sir, I only got a hundred,
and I thought we perhaps could, like,

ship in.

What do you think, Ashford?

Well, I think it's a much better idea to
buy them, sir.

After all, last night you were... All
right, yes, oh, dear.

Let me see.

I've got 200.

You've got 100, Sergeant Major.

How much have you got, Ashford?

100, sir. Damn, we're 100 short.

Now, what about Bombardier Solomon Saab?
He's also always jolly well trousered.

Good idea.

Call him over, Sergeant Major.

Bombardier Sergeant Major!

Report to the colonel!

Better get the others outside. We don't
want everybody knowing about this.

Right, lovely boys, get on the truck.
Move yourselves now.

Want to see me, sir? Bombardier, we were
thinking of doing a little business

deal. Are you interested?

Always interested in a little deal, sir.

Mind you, I can't make a move without my
partner.

Partner? You don't have partners in the
army?

Sorry, Sergeant Major, no partner, no
deal.

Call him over, Sergeant Major.

Get him over!

Now, look, chaps, these two rubies up
there are worth a lot of money.

Are they?

We didn't give you much thought, sir.

No thought at all, sir. Well,

we can get them for 500, but we need
another 100.

Can you assist?

I think I'll go manage that, Gloria.

Sir.

Here we are.

Check on us out. I will give the curator
for a little money. I'll hunt up.

Get Emperor Ubi Solomon before the old
fool changes his mind.

Thank you, mate. My dreams will come
true.

I shall have my soldiers in skirts.

Shut up.

Come out easy, don't they?

I think I'll take charge of those just
for the moment.

Oh, OK.

Right,

all set.

Off we go.

Excuse me, Colonel, sir, but it is
necessary that I have one word with that

stupid, ignorant creator, Colonel, sir.
You understand?

Smooth them over, you mean. Good idea.

We don't want any trouble with the
natives.

We'll wait for you in the truck.

I'll check, Colonel, sir.

It was a pleasure to do business with
you, my friend.

Here is your chair.

And it was also a pleasure to do
business with you, my friend.

No.

No.

The old thuggies got their loot by
strangling people.

I kept mine by playing on men's greed.

That is very true. And tell me, who is
more greedy than us British?

But before you go, my friend, one favor,
please. I have hurt my foot. I cannot

climb upstairs.

Please put in two new rubies for me.

They are jolly beautiful.

Oh, yeah. Bad quality glass.

Made in Birmingham.

Very dear.

Two rupees a dozen.

You know, there's one very old Hindu
proverb which say, if you see two eyes

looking at you in the dark, this is not
always a tiger.

It could be two one -eyed tiger.

Thank you.

B -O -Y -S boys to entertain you!