All language subtitles for it_ain_t_half_hot_mum_s02e07_has_anyone_seen_my_cobra

Meet the gang cause the boys are here,
the boys to entertain you.

With music and laughter to help you on
your way to raising the rafters with a

hey, hey, hey. With song and sketches
and jokes on and you. With us about you

and Phil Blue. So meet the gang cause
the boys are here, the boys to entertain

you.

B -O -R -E -O -Y -S, boys to entertain
you.

Any time your Lambeth waits, any
evening,

any day, we find us all doing

the Lambeth walk.

Now, don't forget, Mr. Ali, I have told
Sergeant Major Saab that you are best

jersey in whole of the Alali.

That is good, Ranji.

I will make him a uniform of such
enchantment that he will be bowled over

ecstasy. That is good. And I want him to
be pleased with it as well.

Ranji, can you tell me why the Sergeant
Major Saab didn't have a suit made by

the camp jersey?

Because...

Ranji told Sergeant Major Tharp that the
Camp Derzy was a thieving fellow.

Mind you, Mr. Ali, I am knowing that you
are also a thieving fellow, but you are

not so much a thieving fellow as Camp
Derzy.

Thank you, Ranji. You are my friend.

Now, come along. Show me the dasuti and
what you are going to make the uniform

from.

Here.

Sir?

Are you quite sure this is Jolly Good
quality?

Of course. The fellow I get it from
steals from only the very best places.

Shut up! Get off! Get off!

Jolly!

Jolly! Jolly!

Jolly! Jolly!

About time, too, leading me through all
these dirty back alleys. You like, sir?

Very delicious?

Shut up! Disgusting!

At your service, sir.

Show me the material.

Yes, sir.

Yes, sir.

Very good quality, sir.

Get the price.

For you, sir.

Very special price.

65 rupees.

Have you gone off your flaming rocker?

64. Shut up.

63. Shut up.

Shut up.

50. Take it or leave it. 50.

I will be ruined. I am a poor man. I
have a wife. Shut up! Shut up!

Shut up!

Sir, would you please remove your shirt
so that you can be measured?

Ramzan will take your measurement.

Have you got a tape measure?

Yes, sir.

But it's used for essential purposes,
sir.

Some achieving fellow has stolen my
belt, sir.

Don't mess it up. He will measure your
beautiful chest first.

Vitalis! Vitalis!

Now, sir, we'll expand your lovely
chest.

I will take inside leg.

But,

Major

Saab, there is one problem.

This stick is too long for inside leg.

Hey, Rangi. Huh?

Perhaps you could cut a bit off the
stick.

Oh, no.

I cannot ruin a good yardstick for one,
Sergeant Major Saab. No. I have one top

hole idea. Why not stick stick down top
hole in plaza?

dirty stick down my trouser.

Don't worry, Sergeant Major South. Yours
is first pair.

This dirty stick has gone down.

Get on with it. Watch your mouth.

Now we have another problem.

Because the stick is inside the trouser,
I cannot read the measurement.

That is no problem. All you have to do
is to stick pin in there.

Mrs. Sharp, only one thing for it. You
will have to remove trouser.

I mean, I destroy it. I mean, buildings
can't believe in me.

I'm going to be believable.

So can they believe in me when I do
this?

So what's the problem?

The problem?

They can see I'm a man.

That's a matter of opinion.

You can't be funny when you bang your
lids together.

I'm the leading lady in this company,
and for your information, I'm not

to be funny.

How would you know? You're just an
amateur.

Sorry. Well, we've stopped. I don't like
doing this number either.

Oh, do tell me more, Lofty.

I mean, I like singing romantic songs. I
like to be dressed in smart debonair

clothes. Not wearing funny hats.

I don't like wearing funny hats.

Really?

Besides, I don't know what gestures to
do.

I could give you one.

Oh, fellas.

Trust Ollie. Have I ever let you down?
They are here.

Oh, good. Take ten, fellas. I'm going to
hold an audition.

Audition? What for?

I'm going to give this number some
class. I'm going to have a real snake

charmer. Wheel him in, Randy.

More flipping attitude.

Sub, they're all here, sub. All
excellent snake charmers. Right, line

fellas. Give your music to the pianist.
What's up, dub?

Music not wanting, sub. It is all done
by the ear hole.

Uh, Paderewski? Yeah? What have you got
for snake charmers? Snake charmers? Uh,

in a Persian market.

Good, I like it. Right, first one.

Salim. Salim.

Salim. Salim. Salim.

Salim. Well,

come on, come on. Where's the snake?

Sir, please to be patient. Snake coming
very soon, sir.

That's all we need.

A temperamental snake.

All right. Thank you very much. We'll
let you know.

Sir, I'm a poor man. I'm not feeling
well.

Sir, please to give him one more chance,
sir. Because snake not feeling very

well today.

Sorry, sunshine.

You know, show business is tough. Next
time.

Thank you. Next one.

I won't forget you.

Is that

the

biggest snag he's got?

He says it will grow.

We ain't got time to wait for it to
grow.

What do you think, fellas?

Well, the snake is a bit minuscule,
Sully.

It's like a little worm.

I think the whole act is too intimate.
Yeah, you're right.

It's far too intimate.

Mind you, it's a classy act. Nice
basket.

All right, we'll let you know. Next one,
please.

What an act. It'll kill you.

Now, thank you. Next one, please.

Kareem Khan.

He used to be snake charmer. He had act
with one snake and two duck. But the

snake ate one of the duck, sir.

So he had to kill the snake to stop it
eating the other duck.

Now that other duck, sir, does
impersonation of a snake.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I don't want
impersonations. I want the real thing.

But, sir, sir, duck, sir, is much safer.

And also lay egg. What?

What are you supposed to be, Gallop
Beaumont?

I'm a harem dancer.

You lovely boys.

Horrible.

Horrible.

Stand up straight, boy.

Find a pair of shoulders you've got
there.

Show them off. Show them off.

Is it a teapot?

No.

Is it a soldier?

No.

Is Gunner Sugden?

I can't say.

Oh, dear. How sad. Never mind.

Right, lovely boys.

I want this busher laid out for kit
inspection in half an hour, and I want

neat, neat, neat.

Yes!

Are you all right, Atwood?

No, not really, sir.

As a matter of fact, I've got a bit of a
problem.

Oh, what is it?

Well, I went down to the bazaar
yesterday, and this chap was selling

er... Selling girls, er... Selling
girls, yes. Did you buy one?

Not actual girls, sir. Only the top.

Well, that's no damn good to anybody.

I mean, the things that go over girls.

What, lids?

Oh, let me see. How could I put this?

Do you know any native girls?

Why do you ask?

Well, I want to know how they do it.

I can't go into all that now, actually.
I'm far too busy.

Put one of these on.

Oh, you mean a sari?

Yes. I bought it for my wife.

Well, she's going to look a bit odd
doing the shopping in Richmond High

wearing that.

It's for special occasions.

I thought, one evening when we were
alone together, I'd cook a little curry

dinner and she could slip into this.

And I could put up one of those bead
curtains and she could sort of...

slide through it, and then we could...
and then we could... Steady on, Ashwood.

I'm sorry, sir.

It's this heat.

I've tried cold showers, but they're no
good.

The water's always tepid.

You do come to the point.

But I don't know how to wind it up.
What, the what?

No, the sari.

It's fairly simple, I'll show you.

Take the end here.

It goes something like this.

Around here.

It's a jolly nice colour, sir.

It'll go beautifully with her eyes and
her hair.

Don't start that all over again.

Not quite sure what to do with this bit
here.

I think it comes up over here.

Quite all right, Sergeant Major. I'm
just trying on this sari.

If you don't mind me saying so, sir, I
think acquired a colour would suit you

better.

You look absurd.

It's my wife.

Of course, sir.

I never for a moment thought otherwise.

I don't quite know where this bit goes.

Do you know how to put a sari on,
Sergeant Major?

I beg your pardon, sir, but such doings
as I've had with them is mostly

concerned with taking them off.

Don't you start. We've had quite enough
of that already.

As far as I can remember, sir, this end
goes in your something like this.

Sergeant Major Saab, Council Party
are... Oh, blimey!

Sergeant Major Saab, I

have just seen one very strange thing.

Sergeant Major Saab is dressing up
Captain Saab as a woman.

But when Council Party is dressing up as
a woman, Sergeant Major Saab is calling

them one big bunch of poofies.

Don't be such clever dicky.

Come in.

Right.

What's this, Sergeant Major?

Concert party getting a bit slacker, so
I ordered a full kit layout.

Oh, well, I'd better come and inspect
them. I'll be down in about ten minutes.

Sir.

Take your mind off other things.

All right, Alice, get your bed back a
few inches.

How's that, Tommy?

Lovely. What I can't understand is, why
does the army always make you lay

everything out in straight lines?

Because, my dear Lofty, that is the
military mind.

Everything must be in straight lines.

There's no room for any individuals.

Nothing ever makes sense.

I mean, you polish your boots to make
them look smart, and then you cover them

in grease to keep the water out.

And I resent it.

As an intellectual, I resent it.

As an intellectual, I resent it.

Well,

Mr. La -di -da Gunner Graham, that is
what makes the British Army what it is

today, but then I am talking about
soldiers and not a bunch of pot! Stand

your charcoals!

Now, let's see what wonders are about to
unfold before my very eyes.

Beautiful.

That is a beautiful kit layout, gonna
park it.

That's my bed, Sergeant Major.

Is it?

This is my bed, Sergeant Major.

Oh, even better.

What's this?

razor, mummy razor, and baby razor.

Why have you got three razors?

Well, that one's for shaving my face,
that one's for under my arms, and that

one's for shaving my legs with.

There is nothing in Dapper Waters about
gunners shaving their legs.

I'm the leading lady in the show, I
can't go on with hairy legs. Shut up!

I must speak to you on a matter of very
great urgency. What do you want?

Sir, this man, number one snake charmer,
sir.

And he's very upset, sir, because he has
lost his snake.

And he says, sir, that it is all your
fault because you have kicked his

Sir,

he says he wants 50 rupees for return of
valuable snake.

50 rupees? 50 rupees?

Sir,

you did not let him tell you what he
wanted to tell you. What?

What he wanted to tell you was, sir,
that when you kicked his basket, the

got out into this basher. Oh!

There's a snake loose in the basher!
There's a snake loose!

Stand still! Stand still!

Yes, yes, there's nothing whatever to be
alarmed about.

A cobra won't attack you unless you
attack it.

What are we going to do, Sergeant Major?
We can't sleep in here with a cobra

loose. I am going to show you how to
conduct a snake search.

Bear up.

Fetch me the long pole. The rest of you,
line up against that wall.

Now,

on the command noise, I want you to
follow

me, stamping and shouting, and making as
much noise as possible.

I will turn over the charpoys with this
long pole.

That will frighten the snake away
because cobras cannot stand noise.

Excuse me, Sergeant Major. The hammer
dryad can't hear.

Hammer what?

The hammer dryad, the king cobra, it
can't hear.

Don't talk daft.

What about snake charmers?

Oh, the snakes aren't attracted by the
music, Star Major. They're hypnotized by

the swaying of the pipe.

Let me tell you, Mr. Lauderdale Gunner
Graham, I have chuckled more cobras than

you've had at dinners.

Right. Nice!

Come back later. Let's get out of the
mess and have a drink.

Beautiful.

Beautiful.

Come in.

Come inside, Mr. Tom.

I bought your new uniform from Dirty
Tom.

You look so splendid in your beautiful
new uniform.

And your half -chat girlfriend will be
so proud of you.

How dare you call her half -chat? Her
father is the assistant stationmaster.

No offence. She's a jolly good family.

Father half -chat, mother half -chat,
and she most lovely whore -chat.

Shut up. Get out.

Sir,

one thing before I go, sir.

Next time I say, could he have his pipe
back?

No, he cannot.

Get out.

You're too kind.

to blade or not.

You're playing sneak coming up tune. You
should be playing sneak going down

tune. Go like this, Sergeant Major Saab.

Going down tune.

No, no, no, you're both wrong. Sergeant
Major Saab, going down tune.

Oh, shut up!

You're both wrong. We will go and see
the wise one, Bombardier Solomon Saab.

As long as we keep our mosquito nets
tucked in at night.

The cobra can't get at us. Why don't we
buy a mongoose? Keep it in here all

night, and that'll keep the cobra away.

I didn't know snakes were afraid of
geese.

Robbie, do me a favour. Shut up. Park
it, good idea.

Lofty, go buy a mongoose.

I've never bought a mongoose before.

Are they very dear?

Oh, no, Lofty's got a point there. We
don't want an expensive one. Oh, no.

It's only for the one night.

Get a cheap one, Lofty.

Here, maybe you could hire one.

Hey, Solly, where do you buy a mongoose
from?

Where do you think you buy a mongoose?
From the mongoose shop.

Joe!

I have good tidings and bad tidings,
sir.

Good tidings are, Snake is no longer in
this bushel. How do you know? Because of

bad tidings, sir. It is inside a major
sales bushel.

Well, that's not such bad news.

What's it doing?

It is being charmed by Sergeant Major
Saab.

But I don't think Cobra is going to find
Sergeant Major Saab charming for very

much longer.

All right, fellas, we'd better get over
there quick. Come on.

Blimey! Sergeant Major, are you all
right?

Sergeant Major looks in a bad way.

Blimey, he won't be able to keep that up
much longer. He looks all puffed out.

There's no need to panic.

Can you hear me, Sergeant Major?

It's Gunner Graham here.

Now, I can assure you that that snake is
perfectly safe. As I pointed out to you

earlier, cobras cannot hear. They are
merely hypnotised by the swaying of the

pipe. So, as long as you keep the end of
your pipe swaying, well, you can stop

blowing.

Oh,

well, bang goes that theory.

Whatever you do, don't stop playing.

At times like these, you know who your
friends are.

We know that you're being exhausted and
we have brought relief.

My friend Ramzan will take over.

The snake is now being...

I thought you told me there was only
one.

You tell me there's only one,
Bombardier. I do wish we'd get your pack

You've made it look a big fool.

Now listen to me, Sergeant Major.

They move quickly.

No, they're gone.

All right, Sergeant Major. All clear.

They're gone, Sergeant Major.

You can save your puff.

It is all over, Sergeant Major South.
And you can keep your date with your

beautiful lady. And I will get your
splendid new uniform.

Oh, totally rotten blimey.

Sergeant Major South, I'm afraid you'll
have to go and see your tailor again.

Thank you.

B -O -T -O -Y -S, boys, we're ready to
save you!