All language subtitles for it_ain_t_half_hot_mum_s02e06_forbidden_fruits

Meet the gang cause the boys are here.
The boys to entertain you.

With music and laughter to help you on
your way. To raving the rafters with a

hey, hey, hey.

With thump and catch it and joke show
the new.

With us about you and Bill Blue. So meet
the gang cause the boys are here. The

boys to entertain you.

B -O -B -O -Y -S.

Boys to entertain you.

Falling in love again. What am I to do?

What am I to do?

I can't help it.

Falling in love again.

He's terrible at this.

I'm sorry, sorry. I can't help it.

Oh, it's a travesty, that's what it is.
A travesty.

Marlene Dietrich never sang, I can't
help it.

Now,

I comes on.

I'm being chased by the police. I don't
know where to go.

I need Gloria.

If you see him with Lofty, I need a
rouet.

What's a rouet?

A dirty old man with a French accent.

Then, Gloria.

I'll grab you, and we start our repass
dance.

Then I'll give you one. Get ready to
take the nap.

Oh, very funny, very funny.

Oh, this is going to be a serious dance.

Well, everybody else is trying for love.

No, I'll give up. I'll just give up!

What are you wanting?

It's a nice hot cup of tea.

Sorry,

I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to upset you.

I'm just not happy with this French
scene. I mean, what it wants is

big, really big.

Why not bring an elephant on?

Somehow, Lofty, I don't think an
elephant would look quite right in a

café scene.

This isn't the full idea.

It's the other passage.

Please, I'm trying to think.

Sab, excuse me, why are you not dressing
woman Sab up as beautiful Indian

dancer? And then he can do the dance of
love.

Oh, Sally, that'd be a lovely idea.

I've never worn a sari before.

A nice cup of hot tea, Sab? Be quiet, be
quiet. I'm trying to show Sab the

knockdown. Oh, knockdown.

Oh, it is very sexy, Sab. You would like
it, wouldn't you, Sab? I very much

doubt it. Sab, this is mad.

And this is woman. And they are
strolling through the enchanted forest.

Then,

sir, they see each other.

Then,

sir, man wave to woman and woman wave to
man. And then, sir, they wave to each

other.

Now,

sir, this eye is man's eye. This eye is
woman's eye.

And, sir, their eyes meet.

And it is ecstasy.

Then,

sir, they chase each other into bushes.

On their arms, then. They turn into
mosquitoes.

Mosquitoes? Yes, sir. This is man
mosquito.

This woman mosquito.

I didn't know mosquitoes have fingers.

Then, sir, Their eyes meet, and it is
ecstasy again.

Oh, is that the end?

No, no, stop.

They turn into parrots. This is man's...
How does this snow?

One hour, sir. It is very short time.

No, good. No, I want something with a
bit of pep in it.

Sorry. I'd rather fancy myself as a bit
of a notch dancer.

I did fancy myself a bit. Well, I don't.

Thanks very much.

No, it's getting on my nerves. I mean,
all this bloke's dressing up as women.

It's no substitute for the real thing.

I agree with you, Sully. I don't know if
it's the heat or what, but all I can

think about lately is great big girls.

And all I can think of is small girls.

Yeah, and all I can think of is girls
any size.

My darling.

My darling, darling, darling.

I do miss yourself.

I do miss you so, especially when the
sun goes down.

Last night I dreamt about you.

It was so real.

You came into the room silhouetted
against the moonlight.

You were just wearing a... Just wearing
a...

Are you all right, Ashwin?

Oh, yes, sir. Just dropping a line to my
wife.

Are you doing the same?

No, no, I'm just writing to a friend of
mine.

Dear Daphne.

I know it's only a few days since we
last met, but it seems like an eternity.

I must see you.

As soon as your husband leaves for the
Punjab, send him out.

I can't wait to cover your beautiful
white alabaster neck in a thousand

I can't wait to.

I can't wait to.

Any more water in that jug, Ashford?

I beg your pardon, sir. It doesn't
matter.

No,

sir.

You know,

sir, the stuff they put in the tea to
stop them getting...

Stop them getting... Hot -blooded, sir.

Oh, that.

Yes, sir.

Well, the fact is there's been no
supplies coming through for the last two

weeks. You mean the men haven't had
anything to stop them getting... thingy

the past two weeks?

Right, sir.

And neither have the officers and
sergeants.

I didn't know they put it in our tea as
well, sir.

Of course they do. We're only human,
Ashwood, after all.

So nobody's been getting this stuff in
their tea.

That is correct, sir.

It hasn't affected me.

Me neither.

It's all in the mind, of course.

Gee, they're all hot -blooded in there.

Come, do some double -quick time
-punkering to keep Saab's blood cool.

Don't be such clever, Dickie.

I want to have verbal talk with you, and
it is highly secret.

What are you putting in the sarp's
teeth?

Just the usual muck.

No, no, I mean from Dr. Sarp.

You mean the handful of white powder I
put in every day?

Not have been enough for two weeks? Oh,
it is worse than I thought.

You know what it is, don't you?

Of course I do.

It is to give the sarp fire, like the
powdered rhinoceros horn.

Fool, it is not to give them the fire.
It is to put the fire out.

I wonder what effect this is having on
the men. It could be damn serious.

I'd like you to go along to the Consul
Party bar show and find out if you

wouldn't. Sure.

Sergeant Major, be discreet about it.

Oh, yes, sir. Mind you, sir, I can't
promise anything.

Them boys haven't got my high -end
control.

Pardon me, sir. She is not bit.

She is highly respectable girl, sir. She
is handmaiden to ma 'am, sir, Waddle of

Evans, who is Colonel Saab's bit.

How dare you?

And don't you breathe a word to anybody
about this, Mallow?

No, sir. I swear I will not breathe one
word. I swear by the hairs on my chest

that you are screwing up in your... Just
watch it.

Oi. Hope that beautiful Chinese girl
would look favorably upon Taj Mahal.

She is beautiful Chinese lotus flower.

Right,

now I'll put you on the floor.

And you draw the dagger from the top of
your stocking.

And you come for me. Go on, come for me.

Ah, it's no good.

Are you going to start again?

What do you mean it's no good? You've
got to...

I mean it, all right. Now, come for me.
Just a moment. Let me get it back again.

All right.

Right.

Now, look at me.

All right, all right, all right.

All right.

Fall in, two men.

I'm talking against you with a knife.
No. For this kind of woman, you will get

two years in the glass house.

No, you don't understand.

I was just rehearsing a number.

Let's have a look at you.

Disgusting!

Never have I seen such a display of
blatant puffery.

Never in all my life!

But the Colonel did give us permission
to hold a dress rehearsal, Sergeant

Major. A dress rehearsal?

May I ask what it is you is rehearsing?

Yes, Sergeant Major, we're rehearsing...
Shut up!

Colonel Sugden, you will tell me all
about it.

It's a French caffeine, Sergeant Major.

It's called a night in Montmartre.

It's all about low life in Paris.

Well, they couldn't get much lower than
you, could they?

Who are you two supposed to be?

We're a pair of French streetwalkers.

And you?

We're apache dancers.

Yes, we're two hopeless victims of the
underground.

You mean you've been run over by a tube?

Oh, no, you don't understand. Shut up!

During my 21 years as a regular soldier,
I've seen terrible things. Things to

turn a man's hair white. But I have
never seen anything like you.

Can a parkins use the only man amongst
you?

Even if he is dressed up as a froggy
copper.

Stop straight, boy.

You've got a fine pair of shoulders
there.

Show them off.

Right, on a command, move. I want you to
get all the books you was reading at

the moment. I put them on that chart
point. Move!

Move! The Colonel has asked me to
conduct a survey as to the state of your

Colonel Graham.

Yes, Sergeant Major. What is the state
of your mind?

Stagnating, Sergeant Major.

Stagnating, Sergeant Major.

Useless by James Joyce.

It's mine, Sergeant Major.

Useless just about sums you up.

Actually, it's Ulythes by James Joyce,
by the way.

It concerns the peregrinations of an
apostate theological... I know what it's

all about!

Useless!

He was a character in Greek men, Miss...
Well, I'm glad somebody's reading the

classics.

God, yeah.

The Adventures of Erotic Edna.

That's mine, Sergeant Major.

The awful disclosures of Mariah Monk.
Whose is this, might I ask?

Mine, Sergeant Major.

Winnie the Pooh?

I'm really not, Sergeant Major.

You filthy little devil.

It is quite clear to me from your
reading material that your minds are

lustful and lewd thought.

Now, British soldiers in India have had
this problem for years.

And you've got three choices.

Violent exercise, cold showers, or find
a bit.

You cannot have cold showers because of
the water shortage.

And you cannot find a bit because
there's nothing around you.

And if there was, they would not have
nothing to do with you because you are a

bunch of fools.

So, that leaves us with violent
exercise.

You can double -leg round the camp six
times.

But we can't go out like this in our
show clothes.

Everybody would laugh at us, Sergeant
Major.

Shut up.

What more could you want? Be a great
advertisement for the show?

Squad, out!

Right turn!

another note to that Chinese bit.

My darling, last night I dreamt that...
I dreamt that...

That was too much.

Is the Colonel in, my ma

'am?

Oh, really?

Don't slouch when you're punkering.

I'm not slouching.

Why should you slouch?

I can't turn the slouching punk around.

Wake up!

Ma 'am, sir, kick me.

Oh, joy.

Oh,

good afternoon.

Good afternoon.

Daphne Waddle of Evans.

Oh, yes, of course. I'm Captain Ashford.
Yes, I've seen you with the Colonel.

How do you do?

People are always telling me that.

It's just the way I am.

Really?

I expect to want to see the Colonel.

He's in the next room.

Oh.

Is someone here to see you, sir?

He's just coming.

He's just coming.

Oh.

Good afternoon, Mrs. Whatalove Evans.

Afternoon, Colonel.

Yes, well, haven't you got any work to
do, Ashford? Oh, yes.

No, I meant outside.

No, nothing outside.

Well, go and inspect something.

What? I don't know.

Use your initiative.

Oh, yes, of course.

I couldn't help it. It was madness. Oh,
I know.

I know.

I'm only flushing blood, Charles.

Don't come any closer.

Why?

What's the matter?

I must warn you.

I haven't been getting something I
should be getting.

Poor boy.

You don't understand. It's fatigue.

Silly boy, you're babbling.

I don't care either.

We can't go on like this, you know.

I must speak to your husband.

He'll kill you. I know, but I don't
mind.

I'd willingly die for you.

Oh, Charles.

Oh, Daphne.

Charles,

bite my neck.

Bite my neck, Charles.

You know I love it when you bite my
neck.

Listen,

Charles.

My husband goes to the Punjab tonight.

As soon as he's gone, I'll write you a
note.

Oh, Daphne.

Go now, go, go, quickly. Yes.

Yes, I'm going.

Don't look back, Charles. What? Don't...

Goodbye, Daphne.

Goodbye, Charles.

Wait for my note.

I'll wait.

Goodbye.

Bloody jug's empty.

Not for Colonel.

Yes, well, I'll take that.

Ask her if she likes

me.

Yes, sir. Too early.

Madam, sir, she say it is too early to
tell.

You must guard her and go to her
bungalow and drink tea with her.

When? Tonight, madam, sir.

Mem, sir?

When the mem, sir, is asleep.

Meow, meow.

You go, you go pussyfoot along veranda.

You whistle twice.

Then she will light a candle, and when
it go out, you go in.

So? Then you kneel down, Sergeant Mason
Powell.

So?

And you take off your shirt.

Go on, go on.

Then she gives you jasmine tea, Sergeant
Mason Powell.

What happens then?

You go home.

Go along in the middle of the night for
a cup of chai, I should call you.

But, Sergeant Major Saab, you go along
on the second night, and she gives you

two cups of tea.

And on the third night, she gives you
three cups of tea and sings a Chinese

song.

What happens on the fourth night?

Oh, just a few more steps. Oh, my poor
feet.

I'll never dance again.

Stop bellyaching me.

You're back.

Only just.

Here.

Fetch us a Piala Tandepani.

Oh, just that. Oh.

My mouth is like the inside of a tram
driver's glove.

Ew, it's not fair, old chap. Same, he's
got dirty old minds.

Oh. Yeah, I wonder what his mind's like.

I shudder to think.

A Piala Tandepani, I'll give it up.
Thank you very much.

I bet the Sergeant Major thinks about
girls just the same as that.

Yes. Oh, I'm going to get up.

Sergeant Major does not have to worry.
He's got a beautiful Chinese girlfriend.

What Chinese girl?

She's handmaiden from Manthab, and he's
meeting her tonight.

Here, Sully, you know what we ought to
do? Burst in there tonight and catch

ain't we?

That's an idea. We could take a
flashlight photo of him in a

position.

A compromising position.

Right. I like it, I like it. Just one
thing. What?

We ain't got a camera.

Excuse me, stop.

Five miles of railway line is one small
town called Ahmednupur. Now, in that

town is one photographic shop, which is
owned by my second cousin's half

-brother.

Now, for a small fee, he will hire you
one Cody Brownack with flashy lights,

isn't it?

Keep talking around here. I'm getting
interested.

Do you know where Captain Ashwood keeps
his pipe clean in the sun, sir? I have

no idea, sir.

Oh, uh...

This ladder game we use, sir. Oh, thank
you very much.

My darling, it's tonight.

You have been right through your pipes,
sir.

Thank you.

My husband caught the 3 .30 train to the
Punjab.

Come to my bungalow at 11 o 'clock.

My gal will be asleep.

Whittle twice, I will light a candle.

You come in.

I shall be alone, waiting in the dark.

Come in.

Excuse me, but it is time for flag
-luring ceremony, sir.

Thank you very much.

Last post, sir.

Was it?

You, uh... You come in, sir.

What? Oh, yeah.

other day, sir.

Who knows what the night may bring?

Who knows?

After you, sir. Oh, yes.

Don't be cold, sir.

Oh, yes.

Hold on.

My darling.

My darling.

Oh, help me.

No? What on earth?

Darling, it's tonight.

What's tonight?

Come to my bungalow.

Whistle twice.

Light candle.

I shall be alone, waiting in the dark.

Daphne.

Daphne? Who's... Good heavens.

Mrs. Waddle of Evans.

Didn't she even notice me?

She must have.

What a damned attractive woman she is.

Oh, really, this is too much. What am I
going to do?

I can't. It's wrong.

I mustn't. I shouldn't.

I'm jolly well going to.

The moonlight.

Looking with the girls.

And leave the rest to...

Daphne,

don't speak.

Don't say a word.

Just let me hold your hands.

I never realised you had such small
hands.

What are you doing putting me down on
the ground?

A bit early for that sort of thing,
isn't it?

What are you doing with my shirt?

By Jove, you're a killer!

Don't speak, don't say a word. I just
want you to hold my hand for a moment.

We'll lighten up in a minute.

Hey, go away now. Oh, shut up. It's
inside already.

It's all your fault, Randy. We'll catch
you.

What's up? The train was late for the
wedding, of course. And I had to do the

bargaining for the Cody Brown Act.

What are we going to do, Sally? We'll
just buy it off.

Sally, look.

There's a figure creeping through the
bushes.

It must be him.

That's him, all right.

I'd recognise the shape of that big, fat
bull neck anyplace.

We'll just bide our time. Once we get
that photo, old Sherlock's going to have

to be very careful how he treats us in
future.

Crush me in your arms.

Oh, Charles, Charles.

You've got it wrong.

My name's not Charles, it's Jonathan.

What?

What are you doing here?

I'm Ashford. You invited me.

How dare you?

I say, steady on.

Hide. What on earth for?

Because I'm expecting someone.

That's right, me.

Oh!

Say, you're a funny girl.

Is this some sort of game? Oh!

Get behind the curtains.

There's the light.

When that goes out, that's the signal
for him to go in. Here.

Once he's inside, how long do we give
him?

Just long enough to take his shirt off
and to drink one cup of tea.

Laughter.

minutes, I've been kneeling on the
floor, sipping tea with my shirt off.

What are you doing here, Ashwin?

Hiding behind the curtain, sir.

And you, Bombardier, I want an
explanation.

I don't have to explain. I've got the
picture.

You may go and sob.

There'll have to be many explanations,
because Major Water Love Evans sob is

coming up the path.

I expect you'd like an explanation. Good
evening.

Well, it's perfectly simple. You see, my
name is Bobadilla Solomon and I run the

concert party and we're rehearsing a new
farce. I'll tell you about it. You see,

the wife's husband goes away and the
wife invites the lover to visit her

dark. But the maid also invites her
lover, not the wife's lover, another

Meanwhile, another lover who doesn't
know the first two... How do you feel

playing the husband?

Oh, what a tangled web we weave when
once we decide to partake of tea in the

dark.

Hey,

hey, hey.

B -O -Y -S Boys to entertain you!