All language subtitles for it_ain_t_half_hot_mum_s02e04_cabaret_time

Meet the gang cause the boys are here,
the boys to entertain you.

With music and laughter to help you on
your way to raising the rafters with a

hey, hey, hey.

With thong and fetches and jokes old and
new, with us about you and Phil Blue.

So meet the gang cause the boys are
here, the boys to entertain you.

B -O -B -O -Y -S, boys to entertain you.

Gangi, what for are you doing this
lowly, dirty cleaning job?

Eh? What are you talking about?

You ignorant coolie?

This is number one important job in
whole of Dilali camp.

This is bags of British bull.

The main table's all hygienic.

Let me tell you, my friend.

We have to clean the tables with the
spit and polish.

Because the British soldiers are very
high caste people.

Who live in beautiful cantonments.

In lovely cities. Such as Crystal
Palace.

And Sutton Cold Field.

But if they eat their food from dirty
places.

They may get nasty Indian diseases.

And then they will go running around
camp.

Holding tummies. And shouting. Oh
blimey. Oh blimey. Oh blimey.

Oh blimey. Oh, blimey. I have seen this.
Oh,

blimey.

What are you doing here? Shut up!

High detail, Gunner Graham, for this
fatigue.

Shut up!

What's the meaning of it, then? Sir, Mr.
Saab, Gunner Charlie Saab told Gunner

Graham Saab to play piano for his
concert party rehearsing, Saab, and he

to do dirty cleaning for him, Saab.

Who is running this camp, Bombardier
Solomons, or me?

Shut up!

You are now going to tell a colonel just
what you told me.

I'll whip them stripes off Solomon so
fast he'll think he's been hit by a

tornado!

Right, watch it, Vera.

Hey, Bounce, chow!

Phew!

Quick, Bounce! I can't, I can't, I
can't!

Don't you worry about serving on a court
martial, Ashwood. But as an officer and

one of the judges, as it were, shouldn't
I know something about military law?

Good heavens, are you just there to
decide whether the chaps are guilty or

That's not law, it's just common sense.
Inside, inside, inside, inside, inside,

help! Excuse me, sir.

The bearer to the concert party is here,
sir, and I would like you to hear a

statement, what he has got to say.

All right, wheel him in. Sir.

Bearer, quick, out!

Inside, inside, inside, inside, that
time!

Halt!

Salaam, Colonel, sir.

And respectful greetings to you, sir.

Shut up.

Now tell the colonel, in your own words,
just what he told me.

As -salamu alaykum, sir.

I am in B .O .R.'s mess basher's hub,
and I have one chatty pani, and I have

one brush, and I am doing the sacro to
the table, sir.

And I am singing one small song like
this.

Shut up.

The colonel do not want to hear all that
twaddle.

He wants to hear how Bombardier Solomons
countermanded my orders.

and put Gunner Graham off fatigues. Sir,
that was so he could play piano with

his beautiful artistic hands instead of
scraping hard rice pudding off table,

isn't it?

You are, sir. He countermanded my
orders, and I would now like to put

Solomon on a charge and place him under
close arrest.

Oh, wait a minute, Sergeant Major.
Gunner Graham's a member of the concert

party, isn't he? I have put all the
concert party on fatigue, sir, as a

punishment for gross insubordination and
impertinence.

Why, what have they been up to?

Last night in the show, sir, they
performed a skit called Bull in the

Office. Oh, I saw that. It was awfully
good.

What didn't you like about it, Sergeant
Merrill?

There was a battery sergeant major in
it, sir, who was portrayed as a rude,

higgurant person.

He kept shouting and bawling and saying
things like, get hell in and shut up.

Shut up!

That is liable for a start, sir.

Because I do not never use bad grammar,
that description.

Then how do you know it was meant to be
you?

Because, sir, he was wearing my hat, my
moustache and my stick.

Oh, Colonel, sir, it was so funny,
everybody was laughing off their heads.

up.

What was worse, sir, when the supposed
Sergeant Major walked off the stage, his

trousers fell down.

Revealing a pair of free drawers.

Thus incinerating that the said Sergeant
Major was a poof.

Finally, sir, the pianist played... And
we all know the words to that, sir.

Colonel South, I was laughing so much
that tears were coming from my eyes.

Right, Barry, you can go.

I shall pardon me, sir.

With your permission, sir, I will now go
and arrest Bomadier Solomon. Come,

Sergeant, you must have a sense of
humour about these things.

Concert parties are always taking the
mickey out of sergeant majors.

They even take the mickey out of the
officers.

The captain chappy of that skit was a
complete silly arse.

But I don't think for a second it was
supposed to be me.

Well, sir, for the sake of discipline...

I have put the old concert party on
fatigue for one week. No, I'm afraid you

can't do that, Sergeant Major.

The area commander's arriving next week,
and I've asked them to do a special

show. We don't want the whole thing to
be a shamble, do we? By Jove, no, we

jolly well don't. I'm afraid you'll have
to cancel that order, Sergeant Major.

That'll make me a laughing stock, sir. I
can't help it. I can't discuss it

anymore. Captain Ashford and I are off
to this court -martial thing.

Court -martial, sir? Yes, a couple of
infantry chaps got caught out of bounds

a place called the Karma Sutra Club, or
something.

Stupid fools.

Military police went in and caught them
red -handed.

Looking at the cabaret, they were
probably going after girls and silly

like that.

You can't be sure of that, Ashford.

You don't want to prejudge the issue,
you know? I'm awfully sorry, sir. It's

right.

Court -martial?

I'd like to get that concert party mob
on a court martial.

They won't go after girls, of course,
they're a lot of puffs.

Cabaret.

They give their soul to be a cabaret.

That's how I'll trap them.

They won't be able to resist the allure
of the greaseball.

In some secluded rendezvous That
overlooks the avenue

He needs to go away.

He needs to go away.

Johnny, don't keep me standing outside
here.

I want to see the owner.

He needs to wait.

He needs to come in.

Well, come on in, Johnny, Johnny,
Johnny. I want to see the owner.

I am honored.

Nice little place you've got here.

Do you, by any chance, have a cabaret?

Cabaret? Yes, we have cabaret.

Oh, in that case, I've got a little
composition to put to you.

Oh, please, come to the pint, Jildi,
Jildi, and talkie -talkie.

Don't serve that, Charter, I tell you.

Not sure what you're doing here. The
sergeant major took it off batiks two

ago. I was enjoying myself.

You didn't see it if I asked first,
because we've got a rant through. Come

let's be eminent.

None of you lip -gunner. I haven't
finished cooking it yet.

Really? What is it? Cold salmon salad.

I saw your show last night.

Oh, yeah? Did you like it?

Bloody awful.

Call yourself comics.

I've seen funnier funerals.

I didn't think much of your Irish stew
yesterday.

It was all fatty.

And eat about as much like a girl as
King Kong.

If I may say so, I think your menu shows
very little imagination.

Fancy serving Irish stew in 110 in the
shade.

And chicken pudding for afters.

Look, I'm a qualified cook.

And when I get back to Civvy Street, I'm
authorised to work at the Savoy and

such -like places.

Yeah, cleaning out the cars, eh?

about time, too.

I've been up since six o 'clock this
morning preparing this meal, so come and

get it.

Corned beef, half an onion, a mango,
bread and mud.

You think it was in the glasshouse?

Ah! Oh, come on, Tom.

I have part of you what's very
important, you see, Tom. Not here,

to the basher. Tell him something about
these flies, will you?

That's it, Tom.

What?

They give me colic.

A kind hawk has just pinched my

corned beef.

Well, what do you expect me to do about
it, then?

Er, nothing.

Look at that.

I think they've managed a tablecloth.

I'm not that cheeky then, Randy. Watch
out.

Charlie. What? You're not eating that
onion.

What is it on my plate for?

We're doing the cheek -to -cheek number.

Well, you have one as well.

This is a terrible place.

A bird swooped and pinched my corned
beef.

In Glasgow on a Saturday night, the
birds will pinch more than your corned

It's the Errol Flynn of fucky old
street.

Shut it up. This is great excitement.

What is that?

I will read for you every damn word.

Honest Bomber, dear Solomon, I am
hearing, please, that you are very fine

concert and laughing and singing people.

Please will you be exposing your show on
the floor at my club tonight.

I will be paying you, please.

50 rupees for try -on, and also seven
portions of kofta curry with mango

and poppadom.

M. Singh, owner of Kama Sutra Club,
Deolali.

Kama Sutra Club, that rings a bell.

Very well -known place, that.

I suppose they want some sort of a
cabaret.

Of course, Kama Sutra Club. Oh, glory,
it's the big time. Everybody in Deolali

goes there.

Must be a very big place.

They don't all go at the same time.

Sorry, is it sophisticated?

Oh, it's the heart of the elite. I mean,
you get a cross -section of the entire

Asiatic hoi polloi.

Maharajas and Chinese mandarins.

Elegant dames on the arms of high
-ranking diplomats. Oh, I can see it

shall step on the floor in me white
tuxedo.

Grey tuxedo, sir.

No, I've got a grey tuxedo. Yes, you
have, sir.

I've got one tuxedo and it's white. Not
now, sir.

While doobie, while I was washing it,
water buffalo walked into river.

I'll be off, sir!

Fellas, not a word.

Any complaints?

No, sir. No, sir.

Ooh,

getting local ladders now, are we?

Not from a baby, I hope. No, no, sir,
something private. Oh, I'm not trying,

lovely boy, just having a little joke,
you know.

Any complaints?

If I may say so, sir, the diet is
extremely monotonous.

Monotonous? Extremely monotonous?

Monday you had corned beef hash, Tuesday
you had corned beef fritters.

Today you've got cold corned beef.

What's monotonous about that?

Wasn't so much imagination, Sergeant
Major. Not much imagination, Sergeant

Major.

Well, Mr. Lardy Dog, Gunner Graham, if
you've got so much imagination, perhaps

you can tell the bombardier cook what
else he can do with his corned beef.

Everything all right, sir?

Not bad, sir. The only trouble is that
they get more or less the same thing

every day. Well, it's just as bad for
the officers.

I'm fed up to the back teeth with
chickens.

It's just the same for us from now.

When I was in the rags, the food was
absolutely uneatable.

It was the worst two weeks of my life.

Carry on, Bombardier. Oh, and eat well,
lovely boys, cos you need lots of energy

to put on them wonderful shows of yours.

Quite the update, though. Oh, never mind
about him.

Randy, now, go and tell that geezer the
calmest, suitless club we expect.

Now, listen,

fellas, we've got planning to do.

We'll go straight to the theatre and
work out what material we're going to

Teak eye?

Teak eye.

Hello.

Is that Sergeant Major Stevens?

Speaking.

Taffy Williams, your Royal Artillery.

Oh, yes.

How are things in the military police,
Cyril?

Oh, can't complain, really, Taff. Can't
complain.

You, er, fancy nicking a few tonight?

I can't say I'd mind.

Good.

Because I've got it on very good
authority that there'll be quite a bunch

British out of the ranks in a karma
fruit to grab tonight.

In that case, my lads will have to pay
you to visit, won't they?

I'll see you there, then.

Oh, no, you keep away.

Anyone I see in uniform goes inside.

Except military police, of course.

Oh, pity.

I'd quite like to see them knocked off.

See you later, mate. Bye for now.

Next show they'll do will be in the
glasshouse.

Am I being rotten?

You'll be up for them.

It'll turn them into soldiers.

It's for their own good.

Oh, heck.

My boy Parkey.

He'll be with them.

Simple. I'll find something for him to
do here in the office where I can keep

eye on him.

the income tax and everybody done.

It lets the side down, chap.

It lets the side down.

And Mr. Hor Balisha has had his eyebrows
plucked. It lets the side down,

chap. It lets the side down.

Hang on, hang on.

Something is wrong.

Sully, do you think I'm overdoing the
posh voice?

Why am I saying so? You really can't
have a Western brother with a Scottish

accent. Make it a Northern brother.

No, we're doing the cabaret tonight. You
can't put in new material.

You've got to try the tried and true.

I mean, that's the only way.

I mean, I'm doing my Jesse Matthews.

Over my shoulder goes one care.

Over my shoulder goes two care.

This audience is sophisticated, suave
and subtle. I mean, we've got to give

some West End material.

Come on, let's try another voice. No,
chef. Come on. It lets the side down,

chaps. It lets the side down.

It lets the side down, chaps. It lets
the side down.

No, but you try.

It lets the side down, chaps. It lets
the side down.

Possible.

Lofty.

It lets the side down, chaps. It lets
the side down. Impossible.

I know.

I'll do it myself.

Oh, great. A Jewish Western brother.

All right, you try.

All right.

It lets the side down, chaps.

It lets the side down.

Great, a Western sister.

It lets the side down, chaps. It lets
the side down.

Sorry, Sally.

It's marvellous. You've got the job. Try
the second verse.

Wonderful.

The fast of Mr. Gandhi worried Burma and
Bengal.

He sat there in his loincloth. The
viceroy made a call.

And he found out it was only night
starvation after all.

It's less to die down, chaps. It's less
to die down.

Beautiful!

Oh, don't stop now, you boys. Carry on.
Very good.

It's a bit sophisticated for our mob,
isn't it?

Well, we thought we'd give it a try, you
know.

Well, who knows best about these things,
Bombardier?

Oh, by the way, you haven't got a show
tonight, have you?

Er, no, Sergeant Major.

Well, good, because, as you know, if you
had a show on tonight, I wouldn't spoil

it for the world. Oh, no.

But as you haven't got a show, get a
parking.

There's a lot of filing to be done in
the office, so you report there at 19

under hours. Marlowe?

Yes, Sergeant Major.

Good.

Right, lovely boys, carry on with your
rehearsal.

Would you believe?

Just when I found something I can do.

I'll tell you what, Solly, I'll go
Epson.

No, he'll come looking for you.

I have been to Commerce Tutor Club, but
it is not good news. It is out of

bounds. Oh, Kraven, that's all we need.

But, Sab, if you go there, naughty
military police will lock you up in

Yeah, all right, Randy. I knew it was
out of bounds. Well, if you knew that,

Sally, you should have told us. I was
going to tell you, fellas, honest. I

wanted time to work things out.

I don't want to go to clinky. I'd get
foot on.

We shouldn't take a chance.

Yeah, but look, we've been playing for
all those swells instead of those sweaty

butch soldiers.

Oh, I think it's worth it.

Oh, Sab, you are so brave.

But if the place is crawling with a
police, how are we going to get in?

It won't be crawling with a police. They
raided it last week. They probably

won't go near there for a month.

Hey, Folly, we could go in disguise.

Aye, a Maharaja. I've always fancied
myself as a Maharaja.

Folly, we could go as the ladies of the
town.

I'll stick to being a Maharaja.

What you need is some sort of
camouflage.

Each one of you needs something so you
can merge with the background.

Don't be such clever dicky.

Look,

fellas, why don't you just leave it to
your Uncle Sonny? I will personally

guarantee that you'll all merge with the
background.

Come here.

I dream my dreams away.

Oh,

stop palliating, bloody fool.

You should have come in disguise. But
you are in disguise, you silly fellow.

You are disguised as dirty chawala.

Oh, baby, here comes trouble.

He'd be ready.

Oh, sorry, sir.

I thought you were military police
basket.

You make first -class brothers, isn't
it?

Come on, fellas, hurry it up. I say,
it's not very sophisticated.

Oh, it's all right. Come on, unload the
cases.

That red lamp looks pretty.

Come on, let's get inside, quick.

Please to go away.

Good evening. We are the cabaret.

You are not cabaret.

You are military police basket.

Go away.

Randy, tell him.

I do not believe you are a concert
party. He is doubting Tommy. Oh.

Prove it, that's right.

One, two, three, four.

Meet the gang cause the boys are here.
The boys to entertain you. Two, three,

four. The music and laughter to help you
on your way. To raise you up.

Nineteen hundred hours.

If my boy's coming here to do some
filing, I better give him some filing to

Sir, do you see my stick?

Good heavens, what's happened?

I've no idea, sir.

What a pity.

Gunner Parkins was here a bit earlier to
do some filing.

I told him there wasn't any filing to do
and sent him off for the night.

I say, I'm a fool.

Ah, there it is.

Toodle -oo.

He'll have gone to that club.

I've got to stop the raid.

Where's the number of the military
police?

Raid? They'll be on their way to the
raid.

I've got to get my boy out of there.

Back home, they raised the income tax,
so everybody ducked.

It lets the tide down, chaps. It lets
the tide down.

I've never seen anything like it.

You said it was going to be
sophisticated.

It's all cheap cigarettes and curry.

We'll probably get the richest crowd in
later on. Oh, yeah.

After the bazaars close.

Shall we?

What? Men and women keep going upstairs.

Can you get into another club?

See, Gloria, it's going swell.

But, love, the flowers are still in the
vases.

Hey. Hey, Buster.

Have you got a light?

Yeah, sure. Here, I'm here.

What's he doing here? We're hundreds of
miles from the sea.

There's always a drunken American sailor
in these sort of places.

Oh. Hi, sister.

Watch it.

One of those days.

Please, you go away.

Johnny.

Our sergeant -major's a fair cop. Oh,
no, no, lovely boys, you know me. When

off parade, I can turn a blind eye with
the best of them. No, no, you carry on.

Oh, thanks.

Listen to that.

Listen to that.

How dare you be telling me to take this
rotten cabaret off?

It is the most lousy cabaret I have ever
had.

Listen, Johnny, if I say it's a good
cabaret, it is a good cabaret.

Here, sergeant -major, you mean you
recommended us? Oh, I will, uh...

Go places like sea. I mean, I know it's
hard for you to understand, but

underneath this chest beats a heart of
gold. Come on, Harvey.

What's going on? What's going on?

Naughty military police are coming up
road and they are going to knock on

sir.

Sir, by a fortune teller.

uniforms. Oh, you're a clever boy. I
won't forget you for this.

We ain't got one for you.

Why are you looking at me?

Well, why not?

Oh, Sully, he did get us the date.

Yeah, all right, then. Now, quick, get
your trousers off. Oh, Sully, what a man

of action you are.

Why some chaps were arrested, sir? I
don't fancy going to a dive like that. I

mean, what's the attraction?

Well, that dam looks rather pretty.

We've got a jolly slack start.

Very bad at answering the door. OK,
fellas, he's ready. Right, Randy, let

in. I'll take that.

Oh, come on, fellas.

Shoulders back. Try and look like real
MP.

Can I stand on the stool?

What are you doing here? Evening, no.
Just a routine call. Nothing much

happening here.

Come on, then.

That's funny.

I heard this place was going to be full
of troops.

Oh, yeah, did you?

Yeah. Oh.

I had a tip -off from my pal B .S .M.
Williams.

Oh, yeah?

A tip -off from B .S .M. Williams?

Well, that's funny, cos he... Oh, mamma
mia, he not have been a year old, no?

By the way, there's lots of girls
upstairs, you know.

Oh. Well, I suppose you might have a
look around while we're here. Oh, yeah,

do that.

Come on, fellas, hurry up.

Slowly.

They're taking all sizes these days,
aren't they?

That's funny.

Five went in and eight have come out.

Good evening, Sergeant Major.

What are you doing here?

Well, sir, I... Oh, heck, I can see I'm
going to have to make a clean breast of

all this.

Colonel Saab, it is totally my fault,
because I am telling Colonel Saab that

Chawala told me that Council Party was
going to do dirty things on this floor.

The company, sir.

And knowing what I regard you as for
them as I have myself, I was determined

save them, sir, and that is why I come
here to get them out.

But, Colonel Stubb, they are not in,
because Chawala is lying monkey.

Now, see, just one thing. Why are you
dressed like... Oh, I know what you're

going to ask, sir. Why is I dressed like
a clown? Yes.

Matter of fact, I was, yes. Well, it
took me a long time to decide, sir, what

disguise to adapt.

And after what's happened to me tonight,
I think I made the right choice.

You know, there is one very old Hindu
proverb which says... That house with

lamp over door is not always
headquarters of communist party.

B -O -Y -S boys to entertain you!