All language subtitles for it_ain_t_half_hot_mum_s02e03_the_natives_are_revolting

Meet the gang, cause the boys are here,
the boys to entertain you.

With music and laughter to help you on
your way, to raving the rafters with a

hey, hey, hey.

With thong and sketching and jokes old
and new, with us about you and Phil

So meet the gang, cause the boys are
here, the boys to entertain you.

B -O -B -O -Y -S, boys to entertain you.

Wake up, you idle fellow.

It is morning.

Lovely dream.

What are you dreaming of?

Don't be such a clever dickie.

I'm going to tend to your business.

You better hurry up and wake up the
sergeant, Major. Oh, my God.

I was forgetting, with this terrible
drought, water is only on for six

Stand by to have one steaming hot cup of
tea ready for Saddam al -Assad.

How beautiful and peaceful looks,
Sergeant Major Saab.

One cup of heavenly enchanted tea coming
up.

Sergeant Major Saab.

In a minute, my lovely.

Then I'll have to go home.

Wake up, Sergeant Major Saab.

Shut up.

What time is it?

Quarter to six, Sergeant Major Saab.
Down is breaking.

Is Sergeant Major Saab awake yet? Shut
up!

He's awake.

Where's my tea?

Yes, Sergeant Major Saab. And don't
forget, Sergeant Major Saab, that you

have six minutes to perform your
absolutions.

After that, water will be turned off
very quickly.

I'm not worried.

There's one shower for officers, one
shower for the other ranks.

and one shower for Warrant Officers
Classes 1 and 2.

And as I am the only Warrant Officer,
Class 1, 2, or otherwise in this company

moment, I guess a shower to myself.

There's no doubt about it, a Battery
Sergeant Major is the best job in the

British Army.

I need to watch it in six minutes.

It's not my fault there's a drought,
Gloria.

Now, listen, fellas. When the water
comes through, fill those chappies and

over to the basins with them, right?

Typical army.

Honestly, you'd think they'd have enough
sense to extend the pipe so the tap was

over the basins, wouldn't you?

They've already tied that up.

But water not strong enough to make
journey, sir.

Indian water very weak, sir.

Why the hell didn't they have the basins
over here where the tap is?

What great blessing is university
education?

Making our showers out of bounds.

I can't use them in any case.

Why not?

The door's too high.

Morning, Chef.

Morning, sir.

Enjoyed the show very much last night,
Solomon's? Thank you very much, sir.

I must say, I like that new dress you
were wearing, Beaumont.

I thought the split skirt was very sort
of...

Very sort of... Thank you, sir.

Don't be too familiar with the other
acts, Ashford.

No, but he's an artist, sir.

He's not like a normal soldier.

What?

You may have a point, then.

I look here, Ashford. We've only got six
minutes.

So I'm going for four, and you can have
two.

Oh, thank you very much.

We don't want to waste a second, so you
hold the watch.

Morning, gentlemen.

Morning, Sergeant Major.

Morning, lovely boys.

Morning, Sergeant Major.

Morning, Sergeant Major. What's the
matter with you?

Looks half dead.

You want to be like me in the morning.

Bright, hand alert.

But then, I am a man.

I'm not a Nancy boy.

Who paints his face and punches about on
the stage.

Get ready, Sergeant Major, sir.

Water coming in two minutes? Right.

And hang on to this, will you?

You've still got your hat on, sir.

Thanks.

You look like an umpire at Lord's,
Ashford.

Don't forget something, Mr. Sam. You
only have six minutes.

Six minutes of water?

I don't need all that.

Sir, how would you fancy a minute of my
water?

That's okay, Sergeant Major. I have two
minutes of the Colonel's.

What's he say, brother?

Sir, he say Barney now only going to be
on three minutes.

Damn.

I'll have two minutes and you can have
one.

That's not very long, sir.

Could I possibly come in with you?

All right.

Just this once.

Stand with your back to me, Ashley.

They're getting the chatties.

Quick.

Don't quick.

Use your mouth.

Come on, boys.

Quick. Pull the chain. You've got to put
those baits in.

Pull the chain. Put your bunks down.

Right, right.

Come on, come on.

Come on, fellas.

Pass them back.

Thank you very much.

You're coming out.

I've been blocked.

So I didn't make this up.

Unscrew squatty thing.

Shut up.

There's a scorpion in the pipe.

Can I come in with you, sir?

I'll ask the colonel.

Excuse me, sir.

Don't turn around.

It's Sergeant Major, sir. He wants to
come in with us.

There's no room.

Sorry, Sergeant Major. There's no room.

I'll make it up. I have killed Carbion,
and it is now quite safe for you to

partake of shower.

Right.

He's gone off!

I can't have your shower, Sergeant
Major.

I hope you didn't mind us laughing. We
just couldn't help it, Sergeant Major.

We just couldn't help it, Sergeant
Major.

Well, Mr. Lauderdale and Graham, I don't
mind you laughing.

It's good for you.

But you know what they say, don't you?

He who laughs last, lasts longest.

Can I hug them?

Yes, Sergeant Major.

Give me your hat, lovely boy.

Good, I'll get some stroke.

Oh, dear. How sad. Never mind. You're
out!

Out. Hold this out under the waist pipe.

And when it's full of parney, pour it
over me.

Plenty of parney, my loom. Plenty of
parney. Good morning, my son, Mr. Saab.

Plenty of parney.

Pommadier. Saab. Pull the plug out of
that sink.

That's my water. Saab!

of the second base.

Fair enough.

Dollar. That's as long as it's long.

Shall I?

Lovely hearty.

A special announcement.

During water shortage, my tea can be
used either to drink or to shave in.

Holy smoke!

Oh, no!

Ranji! Ranji! Come out quickly!

Ranji! What did you do? Ranji! What the
hell are you shouting for?

You ratty fool!

Have you been bitten by a snake or
something?

Much worse than that. Huh?

Look!

Oh!

Go home.

I can hardly believe my own eye.

Who could have done such a terrible
thing?

Some damn native must have crept in
during night.

Go and take the bomb and dust off.
Quickly. Go.

This must be covered up.

Hey, Ramzan. I must cover this up. Lend
me your dhoti. No, no.

Lend it me at once.

Don't you feel ashamed to do it in the
morning?

Indecent exposure.

Don't be such a damn Nancy boy.

There it is, somebody. It's our blood.

Oh, when Sergeant Major Sharp sees that,
he'll go, start raiding men.

Where is he raiding? He's inspecting
Charles Hearns, and he will be back any

moment. Oh, can't we change the stones
round again?

It'll take hours.

Shut up!

Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!

Then T. Hearns is stinking dirty and
manky, and if I have occasion to...

I thought we'd have a parade, Sergeant
Major.

Shut up.

Why? Well, we rather wanted to parade,
Sergeant Major.

All right, Mr. Lardy Dog. Gunner Graham,
if you want a parade, you get a parade.

Right,

lovely boys.

Squad, shout!

Four paces forward!

of puss you is.

To think that a shower like you
represents the British Army in India.

This Royal Artillery Devil has been here
for over 100 years and generations of

brave gunners have marched on this
square and proudly kept the Union Jack

flying.

They must be looking down from heaven at
this moment and crying their eyes out.

See what it says there?

That is something to be proud of.

Something that will never change.

Never change.

As long as the sun beats down on the
boon tea.

Bombardier. Sir. Who did this?

No idea, sir. Nothing to do with that.

Sarah. Who did this?

Nothing to do... Shut up.

What on earth's the matter with the
Sergeant Major?

I will get them! I will get them!

It's like a touch of the sun, sir.
Better get in his eyes.

Calm down, Sergeant Major, calm down.
Come inside in the shade. Oh, you don't

understand, sir. They roped! They roped!
Yes, I'm sure they did. Come inside.

Right -o, boys. Get them stones back
there, proper order. Go on, now, move

yourself. Move! Come on, my dear chap.
You'll soon feel better.

Oh, Farmer Decker.

I, who have seen what a buffalo in rage,
have never seen anything so terrible as

this.

He's gone.

He has definitely gone.

Feeling better now, Sergeant Major?

Yes, thank you, sir.

I'm sorry about that.

It was just a sight of... Let his pegs
go.

Yes, yes, most aggravating.

We must find the culprit, sir.

We must find him.

Yes, yes, I realise that, but things at
the moment are a bit delicate.

I do not quite understand, sir. Well,
there's a new district officer arriving

this morning.

For a more reason, we should find out
who did it, sir. Yes, but the fact is

district officer is an Indian.

A Hindu.

Yes.

As you know, we're giving India home
rule after the war, but in the meantime,

need their help to fight the Japs, so we
don't want to do anything that would

upset them.

In fact, things are a little bit this
way and that way, eh, Ashwin? Oh, yes,

sir, very much this way and that way.

Anyway, we're going over to the mess now
to meet this new chappy, so we'll just

keep things a bit calm, eh?

Don't want to upset the natives.

Carry on, President.

Good, sir. Carry on. Carry on, chaps.

It's a bit of a cheat, you know, Solly.
I mean, them Indians using our stones to

write rude things.

I mean, we all want to go home, but
we're not pigs.

Right, come on, you lot.

Get on with them stones.

Boo yourselves, boo yourselves.

What's the Colonel going to do about
this, Sergeant Major?

The Colonel Bombardier is not going to
do nothing.

He says we've got to keep calm and not
upset the natives.

I think he's very wise, Sergeant Major.

I think he's very wise, Sergeant Major.

Well, let me tell you, Mr. Lauderdale,
Gunner Gray, and we British is the

masters here.

And as long as that Union Jack continues
to fly from that...

What

is that?

Looks like the Indian national flag,
Sergeant Major.

The Indian national, shut up.

Is that it again?

Is that it again? Get it out!

The pin.

He thinks they're clever, don't he?

Well, I am clever than he is.

Can I say something?

Yes, Sergeant Major.

That's the fire hacks.

I am going to prove that I am more
clever than what they are.

More cunning and more subtle.

What are you going to do?

Chop the bloody poor guy!

Once again, British ingenuity and
cunning have got the better of these

natives.

Oh, Tom, what a man and what a huge
tenacity he has.

Go on, Johnny, Johnny. What are you
going to do?

You will see, bombardier. Well, don't
forget what the colonel said. We mustn't

upset the natives.

Stuff the natives.

All right, you lot.

Get your rifles and bayonets.

I am going to root out all subservient
elements in his camp once and for all.

I really must congratulate you, sir, on

being appointed district governor, sir.

Thank you.

It is about time we Indians were running
our own affairs.

I'm sure you'll do it awfully well, sir.

We certainly couldn't make a worse mess
of it than you.

I see that's not fair, sir.

Name me one good thing the British have
done in their 200 years in India.

Well, we did abolish sooty.

Sooty?

What's that?

Many years ago, it was a custom when an
Indian lady became a widow for her to

throw herself on the funeral pyre and
die with her husband.

I wish my mother -in -law had done that
when she became a widow.

That's all you British can do, make
silly jokes.

You wouldn't think it's that silly if
you knew my mother -in -law.

And don't forget, we did build the
railways in 1845.

If we Indians had been in charge, they
would have been built in 1825.

But they weren't invented then. That's
beside the point.

You must admit, sir, we did teach you to
drink tea.

We Indians had been drinking tea for
hundreds of years before you British

here. Maybe, but not with sugar and
milk.

And certainly not with bread and butter
and jam.

There are millions of Indians that have
never even tasted butter and jam.

Well, sir, one thing I can assure you,
we do treat the Indian camp staff

extremely well, eh, Ashford? Oh, yes.
We're just like one big happy family.

FISH BINER!

Oh, sorry, Mr. Saab. Please do not ask
me to do such a thing.

Burn this palag!

I'm very sorry. I have no matches.

Whose side are you on?

Depends on who I'm talking to at the
time.

Right.

I'll show you what I think of your tin
pot wrap.

What is going on here?

Why are those soldiers threatening these
poor Indians?

You! You! What are you doing?

That is our glorious national flag.

How dare you?

Who is this barbarian?

Oh, you haven't been introduced, have
you? This is better, Sergeant.

Colonel,

I demand an explanation.

Yes. What on earth is going on,
Sergeant?

That's filthy right up instead.

Well, this is very serious, sir. You
see, that is... That was our flag.

Yes, and we can't have a foreign flag on
our pole.

Foreign? What are you talking about,
foreign?

Your flag is a foreign flag. Our flag is
our flag.

Colonel, you are the foreigners here.

I demand you arrest that man, put him in
chains, and incarcerate him.

Alas.

Very well, then.

We will do it the British way.

That man will apologize to us all.

I want everyone here on parade tomorrow
morning at 1100 o 'clock.

And I want a full apology.

That's all.

Couldn't we just buy him a new flag,
sir? Oh, do it.

Three chairs for dirty.

What's happening, Randy?

Colonel Saab has told Sergeant Major
Saab that he has to apologise to that

native.

Where's the Sergeant Major now?

He's sitting in his bus, Saab. He's
smouldering like a heap of cow dung.

I can't wait for the Sergeant Major to
apologise. The chickens are coming home

to roost all right.

I don't think he will apologise.

He might be a bastard, but he's a tough
bastard.

He'll have to apologise, otherwise he'll
get court -martialed.

Well, it's good riddance for bad
rubbish.

Listen, as long as he's here and thinks
Park is his son, we won't get posted up

the jungle. If he goes, we might get
someone worse.

But, Bomber, dear sir, British Army is
stuffed full of fierce sergeant major

do not take kindly to British soldiers
on stage dressed up as doughnuts.

Tarts.

You see, fellas, You see, I think we
ought to help him.

Well, I know he isn't my dad, but he
thinks he is.

Anyway, he keeps telling me I've got
nice shoulders and how good -looking I

My dad thinks I'm good -looking.

Drinks a lot, does he?

Right, that's it, fellas. It's settled.
We help him.

Paderewski, you're the one with the
university education. Get working on it.

Sergeant Major Tops, I cannot believe
that a man so upstanding and right up as

you are, a man so famous and feared
throughout the whole camp, a man known

throughout the whole district for his
wonderful bull, should have to apologize

to some damn native.

I'm not going to do it.

Sergeant Major Tops, if you refuse, they
will marshal your carts, and you will

be rendered down to ranks.

Sergeant Major Saab, with your
permission, I would like to tell you one

Many years ago, my father was bearer to
young British Officer Saab who came out

to India to forget because he had formed
attachment with a very high caste lady

in Blighty.

Now, I do not know the whole story, but
he was a member of a very high caste

club called Boodles.

and he had made her member of a very low
-caste club called Puddings.

What's that got to do with me?

I don't know, Sergeant Major Saab, but
he used to walk up and down, up and down

all the time, just like you.

Shut up.

Hey, you!

Imperialist lackey!

Sir?

Kindly inform the Colonel that it is
1100 o 'clock and we are all waiting for

the Sergeant Major to apologise.

Well,

better get on with it, I suppose.

Ready, Sergeant Major?

The words will stick in my throat, sir.

I feel it's more like telling him to get
stuffed.

Perhaps it would help if you kept your
fingers crossed behind your back.

Come in.

Excuse me, Colonel Tharpe, but District
Officer Tharpe asked me to tell you,

Tharpe, that he is waiting.

We're just coming.

Oh, Colonel Tharpe, what a terrible day
this is for us.

We British will never be able to hold up
here again.

Oh, come along, Tharpe.

Sir, I cannot do it.

Well, you must.

Don't worry, we're right behind you.

Well, get on with it, Sergeant Major.

Excuse me, Colonel. What the hell are
you doing, Bombardier? I think we can

the Sergeant Major out of this, sir.
Have I your permission to go ahead?

Well, um, I don't know.

What do you think, Atherton? Oh, yes,
sir. Anything, anything. I can't stand

this embarrassment.

Carry on, Bombardier. Thank you, sir.

Honoured sir, we feel we are all
responsible for what has happened.

Now, a man of your position and
importance doesn't want an ordinary

So we would like to give you this, and
believe me, sir, it comes straight from

the heart.

Take it away, Professor.

We make mistakes when we walk...

It's a funny old world, but like the
good book says, every cloud has a silver

lining.

And the man who's never made a mistake,
never made anything at all.

Now, just remember, folks.

We've got them, Gloria.

Start bottling.

Once again, we British have compounded
the situation.

You know, there is a very old Hindu
proverb which says, if you have to eat

humble pie, make sure you have plenty of
jam on it.

Hey, hey, hey. The boys to entertain
you.

B -O -Y -S.

Boys to entertain you.