All language subtitles for it_ain_t_half_hot_mum_s01e08_the_inspector_calls

Meet the gang cause the boys are here.
The boys to entertain you.

With music and laughter to help you on
your way. To raving the rafters with a

hey, hey, hey.

With thong and teddy and jokes on anew.
With us about you and Bill Blues. So

meet the gang cause the boys are here.
The boys to entertain you.

B -O -B -O -Y -S.

Boys to entertain you.

The gang cause the boys are here.

Boys to entertain you.

I'm telling you, Mohammed, I will never
leave down this disgrace.

In all my years as bearer, I have never
been late before this morning.

And now I am one whole half hour behind
myself.

What conceived this unheard of
occurrence?

Do you mean why was I late?

Uh -huh.

Well, it was all the fault of that dumb
fool, Siraji Rao, to whom I was selling

a cow.

Very bad rhyme.

Shut your cakey hole.

What happened when he finally arrived?

Oh, all hell was let loose.

When Sergeant Major Saab came into
Concert Party Basha and found them all

asleep, He was so beside himself with
furiousness that he set them on five

route march.

Five -mile distance?

Ah!

It will kill them, and it will not do
their feet any good either.

Consul, the party's very quiet this
morning, Ashford. I can't hear a thing.

They've usually started rehearsal by
now.

You cannot hear them, sir, because I
have sent them on a route march.

Route march? What are their thoughts?

Sir, I went into their quarters this
morning, half an hour after Revali, and

there they all was.

Bashing their charboys.

Doing what?

It was all fast asleep, sir.

I awoke Gunner Graham, who said, I am
not getting up today, I am going white

cargo. White cargo?

It's a term, sir, used by British other
ranks. It means going native.

Don't you remember, sir, there was a
play called White Cargo? Yes, that's

and there was a beautiful native girl
called Toodaloo or something.

Hondaleo, sir. Hondaleo, that's right.

And she drove all the chaps mad.

Oh, but it's the heat, you see, sir. It
sort of arouses the, well, arouses

the... Yes, all right, I know what the
heat does.

I shall never forget the scene, sir.

There they were, all these chaps lying
around in the heat.

Suddenly, the door opens, and this
beautiful dusky creature slides in and

says... Excuse me, Sergeant Major Tharp.
Shut up!

What do you want, Bearer? Sergeant Major
Tharp, there is a loud cloud of dust

coming through Gateway, and I think it
is concert party returning.

Get out, Jolly Jolly. You're too kind.

How far did you send them, Sergeant
Major? Oh, just down to town and back,

five miles.

How can you be sure they did the full
distance?

I told Bombardier Solomons to get me two
tickets for the Kinnamar, sir.

That's pretty smart, Sergeant Major.

Yes, indeed, sir.

Bombardier Solomons and his bunch of
layabouts will have to get up pretty

in the morning to catch me out.

Left, left,

left,

left, right, left. Mark time.

Score!

thirsty, sir. Thirsty?

A little walk in the sun and you were
thirsty?

You've got no control as to your
trouble.

I wish I had a pound for every time I've
been thirsty.

But then, I am a soldier.

Not a Nancy boy.

Who paints his face and prances about on
the stage.

Can I park his uni, Madam? I'm still.

Shoulders back, boy.

Find better shoulders. Show them off.

Right.

You will stand out here in the sun,
properly fell in, till I tell you you

dismiss.

I will make men out of you. It's the
last thing I do!

Have you got my tickets?

Yes, sir. Three rupees. It's not a very
good film.

Shut up.

It's worth three rupees to get you lot
on a route march.

Charwalla.

Yes, Sergeant Major Sub. If I catch you
just once more on my veranda again with

that filthy char -earn, I'll take you
back away and have you off the camp!

Shut up!

At 1 ,200 hours, I will inspect all tea
-hearns.

And they'd better be clean.

Plenty of saffcarol, Mullen, plenty of
saffcarol.

I want to see my face in the bottom of
every urn.

Terrible thought.

Get out, Johnny, Johnny.

Who is that? Who is that?

Shut up!

Oh!

It's disgraceful, that's what it is,
disgraceful.

Fancy making an artist like me stand out
here in the sun.

My arms will go all red.

How can I wear my Ginger Rogers dress in
the show tonight with red arms?

What would you tell? I have one idea.

I will loudly shout out, someone is
fainting.

Then one of the salves can faint.

Then Sun Major Salve will come out and
he will dismiss you.

Yeah, might work.

We don't want to get into trouble,
Solly.

Crawler. Here, Paderewski. Yes? You
faint.

Well, actually, Solly, I don't think I
ought to. I might damage my hands when I

fail. All right, Atlas, you do it.

I don't think so, Solly. I'm not very
good at the action.

Play that game.

If we were only on parade, you'd have
your teeth to play with. Shut up, both

you.

Lofty, you fight, and that's an order.

Why me?

Because you're nearest the ground.

All right, go on, then.

Watch this out.

Look!

Oh, blimey. We'd better do it again.
Louder this time, Lofty. All right,

I just... Good heavens!

Somebody is painting!

It's coming up.

Go on, get on with it, Lofty.

If he stares in the sun, he'll go blind,
Sergeant Major.

He'll go blind, Sergeant Major.

By the look of him, I know what'll turn
him blind, and it won't be the sun.

Shall we?

What?

I think I'm going to faint.

Oh, blimey, we can't go on like this.

Gloria, do your stuff.

You mean the full performance?

Yeah, give it everything you've got.

It's not much of an audience.

It's not much of a performance.

Shut up. Now, get on with it. You'll get
an audience.

Would you mind padding?

Yes, yes, of course. Hurry up. All
right.

I cannot sleep at night. I am so worried
about you.

You are not fit.

Do you know why?

No, Sergeant Major.

You are forgotten now to be soldiers.

He never does guard duties, parades,
pickets, drills, nothing!

All you do is paint your faces and ponce
about on the stage like a bunch of

tarts!

It's gone on long enough. You know what?

I am going to go into the office and I'm
going to whisper into Colonel's ear.

I am going to tell tales.

I am going to tell him what a weak
-kneed, namby -pamby bunch of Nazi boys

are!

That's all.

the result, sir. I propose to put the
concert party on guard duties and fire

pickets, sir, just like any other
soldiers in the depot. But what about

show? Quite right, Ashford. You took the
words out of my mouth. I'm terribly

sorry, sir.

They only does the show three times a
week, sir. The rest of the time they

skiving out of things. Yes, but you
can't have the concert party doing guard

duties, Sergeant Major. They've all got
different hats.

authority to draw uniforms, sir. You
know as well as I do that this is the

holding unit. I'm not authorized to
issue new uniforms until they're posted

the jungle.

Is that your only objection, sir?

Uniforms? Of course. I think it's a
very, very good thing for soldiers to do

guard duties, don't you, Ashwick?

Oh, absolutely. First task, sir. It's
good for their morale.

Yes, I mean, they enjoy brassing
themselves up and polishing things and

smart, don't they, Ashwick? Oh, they're
absolutely revel in it, sir.

All these different hats. I mean, it's
just not on. Not on at all.

Sir.

That's it, then.

Arts.

I got to get them arts.

And uniforms.

Thing is, how do I go about it?

I could blackmail the quartermaster.

After all, I did catch him drying the
old tea leaves in the sun and flogging

them back to the charwalla.

And the colonel would want to know where
the uniforms come from.

Solomon's.

He could scrounge hats and uniforms.

I'll talk him into doing a military sort
of song.

And once they're all in the same
uniform, I got them.

Armory guard.

Camp guard.

Pulling a flag up in the morning.

Taking it down at night.

The list is endless.

Look at them.

All red raw from those rough boots.

How can I do my Ginger Rogers with great
big cones in my toes?

Don't worry, sir. I know one very old
Indian scientific remedy.

I will wrap them in poultice made from
very old mango skins and certain parts

the water buffalo.

They will make the feet all soft and
white like Ginger Rogers, but with

different smell.

See you all, everybody. Don't get up.

You know me, lovely boys.

On parade is on parade.

Off parade is off parade.

Which are we now?

Off parade.

Now, pay attention to me, lovely boys,
because I am going to talk to you like I

was a Dutch uncle.

Sergeant Major Saab, while you are being
uncle, would you like to partake of one

nice cup of tea?

Shut up.

Yes, uncle.

Now, I wouldn't like you boys in a
concert party to get the idea that I

like you.

I do like you.

You are very necessary.

The men who come through this depot must
be kept amused to take their minds off

where they is going.

Up the jungle, Sergeant Major.

Correct, Gunner Graham, clever boy.

University education lofty. You can't
beat it. You can't beat it.

Yes, them brave boys got to be
entertained, but why, I ask myself, do

to dress up as girls?

You know, you might not believe this,
but I used to do a bit of a turn once.

You... You didn't, Sergeant Major.

Jack Ferry did.

Shut up.

What did you do?

I shouted, I think.

Well, I'd just joined the army and I
stood on this platform as a soldier

singing a song for soldiers.

On the road to Manor Bay Where the
flying fishes play

And the dawn come up like thunder Out of
joy

song in it.

And it's a real soldier song.

I thought it was a song about flying
fish.

Yeah, I know. I could do Sister Susie's
throwing shirt for soldiers.

Dressed as an APS girl, you know.

Belt up, Gloria.

Thank you, Bombardier.

Hey. What?

What do you want to do is sing that song
dressed as soldiers.

Have you heard of it?

Proudly standing there wearing jungle
green, say?

Bush hats?

Without the piano so that none of you is
missing.

Sigrid -like men, side by side with
rifles.

All dressed alike.

All dressed alike.

That'd be a bit difficult, wouldn't it?

I don't know.

I could get the uniforms from the QM.

Could you?

Of course.

He owes me a favour for helping him flog
all that dried tea to the charwalla.

Oh, aye. You as well, was it?

Leave all that to you, Bombadier.

Sorry.

Oh, boys, but I tell you this.

If you could do a number like that...

I would be able to treat you all
together different.

And that's a promise.

Well, give it a thought, lovely boys.

Give it a thought, will you?

On the road to Manderay.

They sold you mad.

Sold you mad.

He's obsessed, that's what he is,
obsessed.

I've never seen him like that before.

He was quite nice, wasn't he?

I think I preferred him when he was his
normal, beastly, revolting self.

Well, maybe there's another side to him.
You know, a split personality.

Yeah. One side's rotten, and the other
side's rotten as steel.

What's he up to, Dolly?

I don't know.

If you ask me, he realises he can't get
rid of us, and he's waving the flag of

truce. The other French like Moses in
the rushes.

I'm shouting at. At least you know where
you are.

Have care, sir.

There is one very old Indian proverb
which say that Krishna did not give

sharp claws just to pick his nose with.

Maybe you're right.

But I vote, fellas, we give it a try.

If he wants a soldier's song, we'll give
him a soldier's song.

What are you doing, Ashwin?

As a matter of fact, I'm writing a
little skit for the concert party.

I didn't know you were an author.

Well, I dabble a bit.

What's it about?

Well, the scene takes place in this
swamp on the Barbary coast.

And Bombardier Solomons is seething with
emotion.

because he's lost this beautiful Creole
girl.

Well, he comes on and he calls for her
like this.

Umpty -tumpty -tumpty -tumpty, Chloe!

That's the name of the beautiful Creole
girl.

There's no answer, of course, because
she isn't there.

Absolutely distraught, he sings again.

Umpty -tumpty -tumpty -tumpty, Chloe!

By the way, he does that with an
American accent.

What, the umpty -tumpty bit?

No, the Chloe.

I thought Goddard Beaumont could dress
up in a low sort of thing and be the

Creole girl.

I see, yes.

What do you think of that, sir?

I don't know what I...

keyhole girl looks like, sir.

I hope for her sake she don't look like
Gunnar Beaumont.

Well, I think he makes an absolutely
first -class girl. Don't you agree, sir?

Considering all the handicaps, yes.

You've just got a down on the concert
party, Sergeant Major. That's the

On the contrary, sir.

I have just given them a little idea for
a number myself.

Well,

if that's the case, sir, I'll just go
along and see how they're progressing

my little scene.

Carry on, sir.

I think it's a rotten idea.

Ashwood, I do wish you wouldn't keep
putting this in my in -tray.

I didn't, sir. Well, I put it in my out
-tray.

Well, someone must have taken it out of
your out -tray and put it in my in

-tray. Because I saw it in my in -tray
and read it and put it in my pending

-tray. And then I signed it and put it
in my out -tray.

Someone must have taken it out of my out
tray and put it in your in tray. Yes,

well, you'd better file it, otherwise
it'll start all over again.

Actually, it's about the General's
inspection next month.

Shall I file it under G for General or I
for inspection?

I'd put it under N for next month.

Quite a good wheezer.

Right, chaps, this is the note.

OK, on three. One, two, three.

On the road to Mandalay Where the flying
fish is playing

That's my lovely boy.

On the road to Mandalay January 1,
February

2, March 3.

What are you doing now?

I'm counting, sir.

April 4, May 5.

June 6th. Oh, Christ.

Oh, what a fool I am. What a complete
fool.

The general's coming today, the 25th of
May.

You see, I thought 25 oblique 5 was
June, but it's not, is it? It's the 25th

May, and that's today.

Oh, right, right.

No harm done.

What time's he coming? 1 ,200 hours.

And what's the time now?

12 .10.

That is it.

because they have some shambles.

Well, look, let's think a minute. Look,
you'll be coming in a staff car through

the main gate.

I'll get out of the main gate right
away, sir. No, no, don't do that. Look,

you were a general inspecting me, would
you come in through the main gate?

No, sir.

I'd sneak in the back way and come in
through that door.

Good afternoon, sir. We were just
expecting you.

And the dawn comes up like thunder out
of China...

What do you think of that?

It is making me feel so proud to be
British.

Beautiful.

Beautiful.

Here you are, looking like soldiers,
behaving like soldiers, and all dressed

like soldiers.

Got you!

Ice front!

Squad, right now!

Excuse me, are you talking as a producer
or as a BFM? Make your front, make your

front! As a BFM.

Right, we are to the parade ground.

Quick, march!

F -I -F -I -F -I -A!

Absolutely disgraceful, Reynolds.

Never seen such a shambles in all my
entire life.

Men on guard with every kind of uniform,
four different colours of blanco,

heaven knows how many hats, and you are
responsible.

I shall be putting in an adverse report
about you to Derry.

This is a holding unit, sir. Be quiet.
Yes, be quiet, Ashford.

To tell you the truth, I don't think
I've seen two soldiers dressed alike

I walked in through that gate.

And you are responsible, Colonel. You
are responsible.

Ah, time!

Halt!

Who are those men?

They're our concert party. What?

Conscripts, partly.

Well, holy, actually.

Well, they look smart enough.

Oh, very smart.

Who's responsible for them?

I am, sir.

Oh. Well, if you're responsible for
them, that puts a slightly different

complexion on things.

Yes, I shall inspect them. Thank you,
sir. Men like that sort of thing, you

know. Anyway, it's good for their
morale.

Definitely, sir.

What's that smell?

Yes, what's that smell, Ashwin?

Flowers, sir. Flowers, sir, and I'm not
responsible.

Sweet peas, actually.

Mitch Scott.

Plathyrus odoratus.

I haven't smoked one of them since I
left England.

I grew them myself, sir.

Would you like to inspect the men, sir?
No, no, no. Leave them where they are

for a bit.

Tell me, how did you manage it? Well, my
wife sent me the seeds.

Did she?

Yes, but of course, the most important
of all, I have a few handfuls of John

Innes compost in my kit bag.

Would you care to have a closer look,
sir? Yes, yes, I would indeed.

I used to judge them in shows back at
home, you know. Did you really?

I'm absolutely fascinated.

Squad! Don't do that. The General's
here. He wants to inspect them.

The General, sir?

We'll have a little rehearsal, then,
sir.

Right. You used to rehearse in Happy
Boys, didn't you?

Right. Watch it, then, squad.

General salute!

Present!

wet shirts.

Keep it down. The General's in the
office.

Try again.

General Perute, prepared.

Aye.

As you were, as you were.

You're trying to make a fool of me,
aren't you? A fool.

No, no, no, no. We haven't got the
music.

What? Well, we're not singing, aren't
we? If we were singing, we could do it

beautifully, couldn't we? Shut up!

You may not have noticed, but British
other ranks do not sing when they're

saluting General.

something. Shut up!

I'll try and put him off.

It's a remarkable achievement, really,
quite remarkable.

Well, I'm ready to inspect the men now,
Reynolds. Oh, do you really want to,

sir? There's no real need. I mean,
they're just the same as all the other

sir. Yes, I must say, I always find them
rather boring. Yes, I mean, once you've

seen one, you've seen the lot, sir.

No, no, no, I'll look them over.

Men lose heart if they're not inspected
now and then, you know.

Give the order.

native chap are there, singing the
patriotic song.

Come here, fellow.

Who are you, then?

General Saab, I have topful job. I have
honor to be bearer to Constance party.

Constance, sir, bearer to the Constance.

General Saab, my father was bearer
before he born me.

My great -grandfather was bearer in
Indian mutiny. In fact, he was only

who was loyal to British.

And Governor Saab gave him most...

Painted metal made of real copper. And
said he was only bearer who was

Why do we worry about the empire,
Reynolds?

With men like these and loyal fellows
like this native chappy here, we can...

Oh, we can fit all that namby -pamby
talk and those wishy -washy politicians

back home.

Quit India, indeed.

No, I say.

Not while we've got chaps like you.

Spoken like a truth, General Saab. You
will not quit India, Saab. Neither will

I.

What's he saying? He say he will not
quit India either, sir.

Well done.

He say he have no other bleeding place
to go.

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

It's boys to entertain you!