All language subtitles for it_ain_t_half_hot_mum_s01e06_it_s_a_wise_child

Meet the gang cause the boys are here.
The boys to entertain you.

With music and laughter to help you on
your way. To raising the rafters with a

hey, hey, hey.

With songs and sketches and jokes old
and new. With us about you and Phil

So meet the gang cause the boys are
here. The boys to entertain you.

B -O -B -O -Y -S.

Boys to entertain you.

You're our bearer, not Sergeant Major's.
Azab Patel has gone to cinema.

What, to see the Indian uprising?

Azab! And he think Indian uprising is
beautiful Kashmiri love story.

And when I tell him it is tale of
revolting Apaches, he does not believe

Well, I got this note for the Sergeant
Major from the quartermaster.

Here.

What's that old shut -up doing with a
picture of Parkey's mum?

Oh, dear, oh, dearie, dear.

Snake is now really out of basket.

What are you talking about?

Muhammad. Now, Solomon Saab, my good
friend, and I wish to have more secret

verbal talks.

So will you please be taking a powder?

What's the powder taking? Oh, go on. Get
out, you damn coolie. Go on. Go on.

Go on. Or I will be kicking your private
backside.

What can you do with these people, Saab?
They have no damn manners.

Please be seated, and I will give you
the dirty lowdown.

They're saying that again?

Look, Parkey.

The upshot of all this is that Battery
Sergeant Major, shut up, Williams, is

your father.

And you are his loving, begotten son.

Please accept our deepest sympathy.

He's not my old man. My old man works in
a

munitions factory back home.

Ah, but how do you know for sure he is
your old man?

I know he is.

He and my mum got married in 1925, and
they got a silver teapot to prove it.

How old are you?

Twenty.

They ran it a bit close, didn't they?

Yeah, why do they get married so quick?

Here, what are you trying to say? It's
all right, it's all right. There's

nothing to worry about.

As long as they did get married, you're
not one.

One what?

One of what you would have been worried
about if they hadn't got married.

Look, they met in Colchester, a military
town.

Well, they got sort of friendly at this
New Year's dance.

Mum was being pestered by this army
bloke's seat.

So the next day, Dad went out and sought
him out and gave him a thick ear. And

then this army bloke got himself posted
overseas.

To India?

I don't know.

Sergeant Major Shutup's got a pretty
thick ear.

Blimey, if he is my dad, I'll commit
Harry Corris.

Harry Currie. Yeah, whatever Harry it
is, I'll commit it.

Thank you. Oh, shut up. Does have his
good points. He is very smart.

That's another thing, Parkey. You're
always polishing your cat badge. No, I

to look nice.

He's got the same sort of cruel twist to
his mouth.

Under jotting out jaw.

Shut up!

Why don't you talk to your mother and
ask her? You can't ask a man to do that.

mean, it's not the sort of thing you'd
put in a letter.

Dear Mum, who was it?

Parkey, Parkey, Parkey, we're only
trying to... Don't worry.

This sort of thing happens in Hollywood
all the time.

Yeah, they're always having maternity...
Maternity suits.

Blood tests.

Eh? That's what they have, blood tests.
Look, I know the last jack in the

hospital. We can easily get them to test
Parkey's blood.

Yeah, but how can we get the sergeant
major's blood?

Yeah. Somebody could punch him in the
nose.

Any volunteers?

Not me. I couldn't reach.

Yeah, we could throw leeches at him.
Gloria, this is a serious discussion.

We could get a couple of mosquitoes,
stick them in his net, and collect them

next morning.

Do me a favour, Notcher. It's ludicrous.
How can we be sure they haven't bitten

somebody else first?

Has anybody got any sensible
suggestions?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Anyway,

the blood test isn't conclusive.

It can prove he isn't. It can't prove he
is. You're not going to start that

again, are you?

No. All I'm saying is that it can prove
he isn't your father. It can't prove he

is. I don't want to prove that he is.

Got it.

Simple. Solly has the solution.

The blood groups are on our medical
records.

I'll chat up the Omi in the records
office and have a quick shoofty. The

genius.

Get a parking. Come here, boy.

Stand up straight, then. Shoulders back.

Find better shoulders. Sure enough.

Sure enough.

Get a parking. Did you have any
notification from HQ that there was

make alterations to the officer's mess?

No, sir.

I thought not, sir. You told me to get
it pulled down.

I did what?

You told me to remove the mess by the
officer's lines, sir.

I meant that pile of old charpoys.

Salam, Colonel Tharpe. Excuse me,
Sergeant Tharpe. But I have caused them

stop. And they have taken down roof and
one wall only.

Soon for that, Boxer? The remainder fell
down.

Gunner Parkings, leave the office, will
you?

Yes, sir.

Oh, sorry, sir. Wait outside, Gunner.
Yes, sir.

He'll have to go, you know.

Anybody can make a mistake, sir. Yes,
but you make so many.

I mean, the other day I told him to
order 2 ,000 tent pegs. You know what

arrived? 2 ,000 tents.

Just left out a four -letter word, sir.
Yes, well, the quartermaster put in a

few.

His writing is awfully shoddy.

That's why we got one dozen Bofors guns
instead of one dozen Booth's gins.

When he was in that concert party, he
made an absolute shambles of the pretty

girl as like a melody. Oh, yes. That was
unforgivable.

You ought to be on a charge.

Due respect, sir, you can't charge a man
with being a bit of a fool. I mean,

there'd be no end to it.

lift him up to the jungle or something.

Ashford, have you got your motorcycle?

Yes, sir. Give me a lift into town, will
you?

I think I'll pop in and see Mrs. Waddy
Love Evans.

Major Waddy Love Evans has been selected
for that hygiene course in Delhi.

Oh, when's he going?

The day before yesterday.

That's a couple of months' course, sir.
She must be very upset.

She's taking it very well, actually.

You can go in now, Perkins.

Parking, sir. Well, you can go in. Yes,
sir. Go in. Yes, sir.

What's up?

Am I going to get into trouble, Sergeant
Major?

Just sit down, boy, and get on with your
work, will you?

Yes, sir.

He can't be my boy.

He's an idiot.

He can't be my dad.

He's too much of a bastard.

You haven't got my fine, chiseled nose.

I haven't got a fat ooter like his.

What are you staring at, boy?

Nothing, sir.

Get over your work. Get over your work,
then. Yes, sir.

What is it them American film tarts I've
tested when they are them maternity

sweets?

Blood groups.

Blood.

Pardon, sir?

What? Oh, blood. Cut myself shaving. Get
over to work.

Yes, sir.

That's it.

Blood groups.

I'll go and have a deco at both our
medical records.

Oh, sorry, Parkey.

There was this Indian bloke in charge of
the records. He just wouldn't let me

have a look.

Well, you know what Indians are like
when they get a bit of power. This one

plain impossible.

Of course, there are terrible people
when they're in charge.

How we British have been putting up with
it all these years.

Good said, isn't it?

No, it isn't. It's awkward sod.

Even twit.

You are too kind.

Me want deck of record, kiddies.

Sergeant Major William Sive, gonna park
in Sive.

Who do you damn well think you're
talking to?

Act on, Charlie.

Why don't you talk to me in English, in
which I matriculate?

Otherwise I would not be able to hold up
this occupation.

I am grade two clerk, not some damn
native.

Just a minute, my friend.

Just a minute.

What for are you doing ringing that
bell?

That bell is for ringing when I am not
in the office.

And you can see that I am in the office.

So don't you go ringing that damn bell.

Get me them record chitties and be jolly
about it.

Where is your chitty?

I don't need a chitty!

I must have a chitty signed by the
colonel, by some authorized medical

and also by me.

Now look, Johnny, don't you come in with
me. What do you think that is, a tin

car bundle?

I want my records and nobody's going to
stop me seeing them.

On the contrary, your records are highly
confidential.

What are you talking about?

Well, there may be something on them
that they do not wish you to know.

Like what?

Perhaps you failed your intelligence
test.

I've had enough of this.

Me likewise also.

Next, please.

Can you touch that bell?

No.

It is you that is not to touch the bell.

I am permitted to touch the bell.

17, 19, 21.

Stick it.

Come on, let's get him in.

Oh, dear, sir.

I make top hole loose, father.

I have stolen record office titties.
Thanks, Randy. You've done well. Now,

Paderewski, what do you make of that? A
climbing record office window.

Silently a sneaky monkey, and I pinch
titties before you can say Jack

All right.

Here's your blood group, please. Thank
you, sir.

Your blood group is O, and the sergeant
major's is AB.

What does that mean? It means that
Parkey cannot possibly be Sergeant Major

Williamson.

Come most quickly.

Sergeant Major Saab is calling for you
to be in the Basha with our dilly

-dallying on the way.

Run, rabbit, run.

Edith.

Dear little Edith from Colchester.

He can't be ours, my dearest.

I mean, he's not bad looking.

He's such a book.

Come.

Come here, Randy.

Now, listen to me.

You are the only one who knows about me
and young Parkins.

Oh, yes, sir. That is heavenly issue of
your line.

Something like that.

Now, look. I want you to go to the
office where they keep the medical

Open the window.

It's open like that, sir.

Take out both our records from the file
and bring them here to me, Jaldi. Now...

I know it's going to be difficult. Oh,
no, sir, not difficult at all.

I'll give you five rupees.

A little more difficult than that, I
think, sir.

Ten rupees.

So, Mr. Saab, you are as good as done.

Sorry, Randy, you can't have the
records. I mean, it stands to reason.

If old shut -up finds out he isn't his
son, well, he'll have him posted up the

jungle. But, Saab, I am man of honour,
and I have... Promise Sergeant Major

that I will do battling for you.

Well, you'll just have to make an
excuse, won't you?

All right, Saab. For you, I will make
excuse.

Sergeant Major Saab, I could not do the
battling for you because I could not

raise left leg.

You see, many years since, I am
straining and I am bitten in left

metatartle, isn't it?

By Piedag in Hyderabad.

I did not get hydrophobia.

But never again would my left metatarsal
go through window.

Shut up.

This can work out in our favour. How?

Listen, you can't stay in the battery
office because you've been a burg,

Well... Right.

We change your blood group on the
record.

He thinks you're his son. We put you
back in the show and that way you're our

insurance. None of us will get posted up
the jungle.

I don't understand.

It's simple.

We change that. He thinks he's his
saucepan, indeed. We take him with us,

won't pass us up the jungle.

Madam? Oh, I see.

One minute has come. Now he can again
remember the money.

Sergeant Major Saab, I was lying on my
chair, boy, when I felt my conscience

giving me a prick.

He said that I must move my metatarsal
and go and do the burgling for Sergeant

Major Saab.

Shut up.

Delighted.

There's somebody coming.

Sergeant Major Saab, do not worry,
because I am slippery with cod liver

you are slippery with dripping and
cherry blossom. They cannot be holding

Shut up.

It is jammy. Well, open it then. But it
is jammy. It's jammy, all right.

Don't worry, Sergeant Major.

We are both slippery. They won't be able
to hold us.

I should cocoa.

Sergeant Major, stop. You should...

Slipped out of your dhoti and run?

It's all right for you, isn't it?

I'd have been spotted a mile off.

Didn't have enough boot polish for that
bit.

But, Sergeant Major Saab, now that
you're knowing that Gunner Parkey is

begotten son, everything is beautiful
and loveliness, isn't it?

Well, at least that's cleared up.

I don't know whether to be glad or
sorry.

The thing is, if he's in danger of
getting posted, I've got to get him back

concert party.

That is his son, Major Saab. Put him
back in concert party.

What have you got on?

Cod liver oil, Saab.

It's like being cooped up with a moldy
lobster.

This is the end. I'm ruined.

Ruined.

21 years in royal artillery.

Two years service in Burma. Warrant
officer, class two.

Court red -handed.

Black and... Shut up!

loose what has been caught.

Who's the other? Don't tell him, don't
tell him.

I'm just a stupid ghoulie of no
importance.

He's smelling of lamb chops.

Randy, I'll tell you what I'm going to
do.

Listen, I'm going to get a chain, tie
one end to the bars, and the other end

going to tie to an elephant.

One good tug, and the bar shall come
out.

Malum, Malum has out.

A long chain and an elephant at three o
'clock in the morning, he's gone too

late.

Sergeant, maybe somehow else we need to
be escaping out of here.

Hey, wait a minute.

These walls are made of mud.

Grab a plate and start scratching.

Did you do what I told you? To the
letter. Have you got the elephant?

Do I look as if I've got the elephant?

Where have you been playing at?

I had to wake up the driver. I had to
wake up the driver further. Who?

No, his name is Pandit.

Is this me?

He says, you wake up the elephant and
I'll get the chains.

The trouble I had. You know, elephants
get tired, you know, just like human

beings. I'm going to shove those great
big heavy logs around all day long.

It was dead to the world, dead to the
world.

I didn't know where to start. It was
pitch dark. So I'm not one to lose my

in a crisis.

So I thought, I'll start at the end at
snoring.

At least I think it was snoring.

I tried everything. I kicked it, I
punched it, I shouted at it. It was no

You know what did the trick? Go on.

I jumped on its trunk.

Yes, I think it was its trunk.

Anyway, his eyes started to water.

Up he got.

Where is it now?

Well, what are you expecting, an
elephant?

No, it's the way his dress is hanging.

Bring it in here.

What's in here?

Well, back it up and pull the chain
through the gate.

Come on, loft it. Right, just this one.

Just about wriggled through.

You go first. Lead the way straight back
to my barter.

Still, can't you?

A minute, Shane.

Here you are.

Listen.

Stay clear of the window, because one or
two stones may come down when I pull

the bars out.

Ready, Paderewski? Ready.

Take the strain.

Take the strain.

Permission, sir. Bombardier Solomons
would like to give Gunner Parkins

try in a concert party.

Well, we certainly can't risk keeping
him here in the battery office, can we,

Ashford? Oh, definitely not, sir. The
officer's mess is an absolute shambles.

I hear part of the guard room fell down
last night.

Did he have anything to do with that?

Oh, definitely not, sir.

An elephant bumped into it in the dark.

Well, they're clumsy things.

Brown, Sergeant Major.

Oh, touch of the sun.

Going without his toe -piece, sir.

I'm thinking many jatties of brown ale,
Colonel South.

The thing is, Colonel, we are putting in
this new number in the show, and we all

feel that Gunner Parkins will be just
the person to do it.

Oh, will you all be dressing up as
girls?

No, sir.

No, the Sergeant Major and I have agreed
that for this number we will not be

dressing up as girls. I'm sorry, sir.
Oh.

What will you be doing then?

Well, sir, with the proviso that they
don't dress up as girls, I am leaving

production entirely to Bombardier
Solomon's discretion.

When the sun is shining bright,
dispelling

all the Jews of night, with them brown
belt and buttons bright, behold the

sergeant major.

That's my boy.

He's a man, he is.

I like getting post -dressed up as
girls.

Do not make something stir within your
heart.

The boys to entertain you.