All language subtitles for it_ain_t_half_hot_mum_s01e05_the_jungle_patrol

Meet the gang, cause the boys are here,
the boys to entertain you.

With music and laughter to help you on
your way, to raising the rafters with a

hey, hey, hey.

With songs and sketches and jokes on
anew, with us about, you must feel blue.

meet the gang, cause the boys are here,
the boys to entertain you.

B -O -Y -S, boys to entertain you.

The gang cause the boys are here.

Boys to entertain you.

With the music and laughter. You're
looking very glum today. What's the

with you, Ranji?

Oh, everything has gone wrong this
morning.

It is what we British say, being one of
those days.

Top of that.

Dobiwala was late with clean clothes.

I said to him, Dobiwala, you're a damn
fool.

Because I am a very important man.

I am Bharat, the royal artillery council
party.

How can I go to work on dirty dhoti?

What do you think I am, some damn native
or something?

Out of that, look how he sends my dhoti
back.

It is grey.

Man in my position should go to work on
sparkling white dhoti. Yeah?

I say to him, Dhobiwala, why are you not
keeping up with times?

Why are you bashing washing against
rock?

Why are you not using soap powder?

And what did the Dhobiwala say? He say
you have not enough soap powder to fill

up river.

Oh, my God, look at the time. I have
important chitti to deliver to Colonel's

house. Oh, here we go.

I hope Sergeant Major Stubb is in good
mood.

Wait outside, shall we? Good night!

Is Sergeant Major Stubb in a good mood?

I had not time to find out.

Do you really think we should send the
concert party on a jungle survival

course, Sergeant Major? Oh, yes, sir.

I mean, it's not fair to them boys.
They're not fit.

I mean, if they were supposed to hit up
the jungle, I shudder to think what

would happen to them. Yes, you've got a
point there, Sergeant Major.

But what about the show, sir?

They're putting in a new song.

Gunner Beaumont is doing South American
Joe, dressed up as Carmen Miranda.

South American Jerry? What do you think
of that, Sergeant Major?

I don't trust them daigles, sir.

Won't hurt to cancel the show for a few
days, I suppose.

All right, Sergeant Major, later on,
will you?

Thank you very much, sir.

Oh, and take Gunner Parkins along with
you.

He's looking very pale, being in the
office all day.

He's got a lot of work to do, sir.
Excuse me, sir.

I'd like to go on a jungle survival
course.

I've never been in the jungle.

Will you really, boy?

Yes, Sergeant Major, ever so much.

That's what I like to see, sir.
Keenness, sir. Yes, he's very keen.

We'd come along as well, but we're
rather busy at the moment. See if you

out of that, will you?

Well, I got some work to do, sir. Gunner
Parkins, get your hat on, come with me.

Yes, sir.

Parkins? Sir?

Shoulders back, boy.

Fine pair of shoulders you got there,
sure.

MC is like him and the backbone of the
British Army.

And he looks after that young Gunner
Parkins just like a father.

Come in.

Well, I'm Captain Tubbs. I have one duty
for Colonel Tubbs.

Well, who's he from, Baron?

Major Waddy Love Evans, Colonel Tubbs.

Who on earth's Major Waddy Love Evans?

Oh, nobody very much. Just the husband
of the lady who happened to be on leave

in the hills at the same time as I was.

Oh.

It's not a good show.

Yes, it was.

He came to see you this morning, Tom.

Very red in face and kicking ground.

And when he found you were not here,
Sub, He left me in this city and he went

away still kicking ground.

And he was very dusty, sir.

Sir, what have you done in the
mountains? He has done the same thing

called having it all.

Idiot! Get out of here!

I have punished

him for being cheeky, sir.

He says he'll be here to see me the day
after tomorrow.

Is anything the matter, sir?

No, no, no, no, no. He just wants me to
explain one or two things.

Where is this place that Sergeant
Major's taking the concert party?

It's, uh... It's here, sir.

About 60 miles away.

Yes, well, I think we ought to go along
as well, you know. I mean, we're getting

very soft. A few days in the jungle
would do us good.

I'll lay it on, will you, Ashwin?

I have a horrid feeling that we're being
watched.

Don't be stupid. Who's watching us?

Spot

more

angst, George? Yes, thank you.

Sorry it wasn't in the eyes.

Can't be helped. Won't hurt us to rough
it once in a while.

Perhaps you've got off all right?

Yes, yes. It couldn't be in better
hands.

The Sergeant Major did two years in
Burma. He knows all there is to know

jungle survival.

I realise he's jolly brave, all that.

He's not awfully good at math reading.

He'll be all right.

Why did we bring all this kit, Tom?

Well, no point dragging our feet around
the jungle, getting them wet. So I made

arrangements to spend a few days with
the District Commissioner, Hope

He's got a bungalow a couple of miles
away.

He's a bit of an old stickler, but I
think you'll like him.

It's all right, sir.

Right then, lovely boys.

Now, during the next three days, I am
going to teach you how to survive in a

jungle. Of course, sir, Bombardier
Solomons, Gunners Bowman and Evans have

already served in a jungle.

We've only got to have a sack of rations
and one bottle of water each. It's not

going to last very long, is it? No.

We are going to live off the land.

I'm going to show you how to get food
and water out of the jungle.

It won't be very nice, but you will
survive.

All right?

You're on your own now, lovely boys.

There's no charwarrers with tea and
cakes around here.

Charlie?

Shut up.

Stop rattling that damn charwarrer. I
don't know if I will hear it.

All out for a smoke.

Can I park in?

Sir?

You come with me.

I'm going to find out how deep that
river is.

Sir?

Here.

What are we going to do, Solly?

I mean, I can't put up with three days
of this, you know. Don't you worry,

sunshine.

I've got a nice little surprise laid in
for our friend Sergeant Major. Shut up.

Everything is ready.

Good, good.

Wait till he gets in the middle of the
river.

He gets up!

Right, lovely boys.

Now you're going to get your first taste
of crossing a jungle river.

In a moment, you first.

What about the crocodiles?

Don't talk rubbish.

There's no crocodiles about here.

Follow me.

Here it is, here it is.

Come on, quickly, unwrap it.

Oh, what clever fellow Solomon Sahib is.
It is done in lifelike, isn't it?

This is a masterpiece.

Come on, get in.

If there were real crocodile in water,
would Solomon Saab would go to trouble

making dummy one?

Come on, get in, quickly.

Gildy, it comes out.

Well, Major, how do you know

there aren't any crocodiles in the
river?

How do you know there are... I know.

Just a lighty -dark gun of grain,
because I cross more jungle rivers than

had hot dinners.

Who's going first?

I don't mind volunteering to go across
first, Sergeant Major.

You hear that?

He's the only one with any guts amongst
you.

Stay where you are, lovely boy.

I'll go across first.

Show you weak -kneed Nazi boys what it's
like to be a real soldier.

Sergeant Major's having the river.

Oh, what a poor piece.

Solomon's officer's juking for you.

Come on, give it one big push.

Come on.

in the water.

Go on!

I see how you like going away for
starters.

Sully? What?

How many dummy crocodiles did you make?

Only one. Why?

There's another one.

I've just saved your life.

What do you want to say for yourself?

Get stuffed.

He's very witty, isn't he?

You wait. You wait.

You wait till I speak to the Maharashtra
about this. You will be in a garam

pani. Really damn hot water, you know.

Boiling damn hot water.

You are an imperialist picture.

on top.

We'll see you last out.

Got a moment?

You return to be trailblazer.

Start hacking.

Tee is up, sir. Oh, lovely, Randy.

One lump or two?

Two, please.

Hot!

Not Alice. Tee's up. Oh, thank goodness
for that. I could murder a cop.

No, sir.

Tee's up.

Oh, dear.

You've been going for three hours and
you're on your last legs.

I'm not.

I'm fighting fit.

I haven't even touched my water bottle.

I expect you've all drained you as dry.

No, I haven't touched mine, Sergeant
Major.

Nor me. Nor me.

I don't believe it.

Show me your water bottles.

Well done, boys.

Now, I'm going to show you your first
lesson on how to get water.

Now, you mix a nick in it like this.

It don't taste very nice, mind, but
it'll keep you going.

Oh, I spent with you a week, Somerset.

It'll make you sick.

Not me.

I wish I had a pound for every drop of
wine.

This is a ridiculous waste of time.

We shouldn't be here.

We should be doing the second half of
the show by now.

Carry on like this, we're going to lose
our audience.

I feel sorry for the sergeant major.

After all, he's only trying to do his
job, make soldiers out of us all.

Well, I can't understand this. Why is he
always so nice to you?

I mean, what's so special about your
shoulders?

Well, I don't know. He just is, that's
all.

Yeah, well, if I hadn't seen him down at
the bazaar with that bent of his, I'd

have my doubt.

Oh, oh, it's a snake. It's a snake.

Calm down, calm down. It's only a
roundy. How's it going?

Dinner will be served in five minutes,
sir. Lovely.

Well, he won't believe this, Randy, but
he is digging up roots for our supper.

Fellas, fellas, when I give the signal,
we slip away two by two, all right?

Look out, here he comes.

Tell him when it's ready, Randy.

Dig it up.

All right, lovely boys.

I've got you a supper.

Tug in.

Do you want any root?

Don't feel our roots tonight.

All right, tomorrow night, you'll eat
anything.

Sergeant Major, I just want to... What?

You know.

All right.

Gunner Bowman, you go with him. Sergeant
Major.

It is not safe for anybody to be alone
in a jungle at night.

So that I know you're all right, keep
shouting, Oswell!

Every 30 seconds.

Oswell. And I will reply.

Oswell. Got it.

Put your mosquito nets on.

Having dinner, you must punk up, but not
too hard, because I want sobs kept cool

and dinner warm.

Come on, Randy, I'm starving.

Oh, rabies, eat it up. Oh, lovely.

Shut up, old well, Gloria. We don't want
old shouts to get worried.

tomato sauce.

Oh, very sorry, sir. I forgot to pack
it. Oh, come on, Randy. You know I can't

eat egg and chips without tomato sauce.

You all right there, Solomon?

Oh, whoa!

All's well!

Hey, man, what's for pudding?

Tinned peaches and milk, sir.

Haven't you got any cream?

Oh, I'm very sorry, sir. But excuse me,
sir, if any of you gentlemen want... any

entertainment after dinner, path to main
road leads that way, and you can take

bus to cinema.

Very good.

It is jolly good film.

I don't think I want to get the pictures
tonight, do you, Gloria?

No, I don't think so. No, I think we'll
give it a miss tonight.

What's up, Pop?

Now you're really getting a taste of
hardship.

Right in the middle of the jungle, miles
from anywhere, you're hungry and... You

thirsty? And you know what it's like to
be real soldiers.

Hey, why have you two been so long?

We caught on the way back, Major.

See how right I was to make you keep
shouting out? Oh, yes.

Excuse me, Sergeant Major. Who's that?

It's me, Gunnar McIntosh. Can I be
excused, please?

Can I go with him?

Who's that?

Sergeant Sugden.

Hey, all right. Keep shouting out. Yes,
Sergeant Major. We'll keep shouting out.

You two better have some roots.

Oh, no, I couldn't eat another thing.

What?

It means we couldn't eat anything.

Anything. What's it like to be real
hungry, eh?

Oh, quite awful.

I'd better you give anything for a plate
of egg and chips, eh?

You're thinking of food, Sergeant Major.

Oh, I don't have to ask whose voice that
is.

Well, Mr. La -di -da Gunner Graham, if
you think... That's funny.

I could have sworn I could smell egg
banjos, eh?

That's nothing out of the ordinary,
Sergeant Major. It's quite common when

you're hungry to start thinking about
food. It's a species of hallucination.

A species of hallucination?

Let me tell you, Mr. La -di -da Gunner
Graham, I am hungry, right? But you know

what? I am enjoying it. I am loving it.

I know it. He's a masochist.

Yes, I am enjoying it because I know
you're hungry.

I am used to it because I am a soldier
and you are not because you are a bunch

of poofs.

I tell you this, however arduous we're
going to face, however hungry we get,

even if we're starving, I will come out
on top.

You know why?

Because I am a man.

He's your friend.

like a million dollar trooper trying

hard to look like gary cooper come

let me

Or umbrella in their midst.

Put in under it.

Oh, blimey. Look at him.

I don't think I can stand much more of
this.

Here, Sergeant Major.

Have a drink of this.

How come you've got some water left?

If you can stand being thirsty, so can
I.

Excuse me, Sergeant Major.

You're not reading that map properly.

You've got it the wrong way up.

Are you telling me, a trained soldier,
how to read a map?

No, no, no. I was only trying to help.

I mean, if we're lost... Lost?

Who said we're lost?

I was reading maps before he was born.

Never lost a patrol yet.

Don't worry, boys.

I'll get you out of this jungle.

Trust me, I won't let you down.

Are you sure you won't have a drink?

Well, as I was saying, I'm most awfully
bucked you two chaps could join me here

for a few days. It's very good of you to
have us.

I'm so glad you were able to bring your
black ties with you.

Must keep up the standard, you know.

Every night I dress for dinner.

All alone in the jungle, all by myself.
Dress for dinner, alone, night, every

night. Dress, dress, dress.

They like it, you know.

It's the cold, you know, the cold.

Well, what brings you all to this neck
of the woods?

Our chaps are on a jungle survival.

Oh, jolly good.

Jolly good.

Did you see any sign of them when you
went out today?

No, sir, nothing.

I told you I was worried about the
sergeant major's map reading.

If you ask me, they've been going round
in circles.

Well, never mind.

If they don't turn up tomorrow, I'll
lend you one of my trackers.

The damn good boar hunter.

Keep a flag flying over this empire.

No officers, and all the rest of them
lardy -dark poncers.

I'll get you out of this, boys.

Come on.

We'll carry on till we drop.

Yes, sir.

My hair had this long puff, you see, and
I'd only just struck the border... Oh,

heavens! It's a scarecrow.

Where have you been, Sergeant Major?

You look in a terrible state.

I don't believe it.

They're a damn funny -looking lot. Who
are they?

My concert party, sir.

Concert party? Concert party?

What the devil have they been doing
rushing about the jungle?

That's damn vital work. Vital work.

When I look at you while you're here,
how about giving us a bit of a show?

Carry on.

First off finale, sir.

Great. First off finale.

On four.

One, two, three, four.

Happy days are here again. The skies
above are clear again. Let us sing a

of joy. He wanted to make soldiers out
of money.

Just to make them into soldiers.

Sergeant Major Tharp.

Vera, what are you doing here?

Do not worry, Sergeant Major Tharp. You
are a great man.

Men like you and me, this glorious
empire will last for thousands of years,

Tharp. If we keep it sticking up, Union
Jack will never fall down.

Do not give in, Sergeant Major Saab.
Here, partake of one nice cup of cha.

Sergeant Major Saab, I have managed to
save you one egg banjo that Concert

did not eat.

The boys are here.

Boy to entertain you B -O B -O -Y -S Boy
to entertain

you