All language subtitles for it_ain_t_half_hot_mum_s01e04_a_star_is_born

Meet the gang, all the boys are here,
the boys to entertain you.

With music and laughter to help you on
your way to raising the rafters with a

hey, hey, hey.

With thump and sketchy and joke on and
you. With us about, you and Phil Blue.

meet the gang, all the boys are here,
the boys to entertain you.

B -O -B -O -Y -S, boys to entertain you.

Oh, you great big butch idiots.

Oh, look.

Esther Williams never had death before.
They found her all over her arms. That's

right. Everton saw it. It still came
through.

Yeah, the best thing we tried was
Blanco.

Esther Williams with Blanco'd arms.

I can't go on. My nerves are in shrapes.

Oh, what a glorious congress of beauty.

It is hard to believe that underneath
there are men.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Thank you, folks. Thank you, and thank
you, Gallinobi Clark.

And now, fellas, we say goodbye to the
Monastery Garden and hello to Hollywood

as we introduce you to all your
favourite film lovelies. Take it away,

Professor.

how many times she's got rice marks.

Jane Russell, folks.

I'll give you two good reasons why she
got into pictures.

No, seriously, folks.

She used to work in a furniture factory,
but she got the sack. She kept losing

her drawers.

Get off.

Oh, Nix.

Get off.

Wait till I withcome the...

for Ginger Rogers, your book.

Ginger Rogers, folks.

What a nice girl. When we go out, we
only talk about the weather. Whether she

will or whether she won't.

Yes. They look absolutely lifelike.

Either Parkey goes or I go.

He made me a laughing stock.

They weren't laughing at you, Gloria.

Just that they could see your bum.

They could not.

I'm a professional performer.

I was wearing my drawers.

Don't get steamed up. I'm not getting
steamed up. Look, we're discussing the

future of one of our fellow artists.

Fab, I've brought you one beautiful,
clean cup of tea. Oh, lovely. Tell him

about the piaras on the joe, Adam. I'll
tell Fab.

I mean, let's be fair.

Park, he hasn't had much experience, but
he does try hard.

Musically speaking, he's a dead lot.

No, I hate to agree with Petal here, but
he is unprofessional.

What do you think, Lofty?

You haven't said much.

He never does.

Well, he's a nice boy.

He writes to his mother every day.

Lobby? Well, he hasn't got an act, has
he?

I mean, not sure really. He does his
paper tearing, and I do me funny.

No, he doesn't.

And I do me whistling, Solly.

But he does nothing. He just hasn't got
an act.

We're a potting jam.

Potting jam.

Sweep it up, Randy.

In English, sir.

Sir. Why do you not teach him the
juggling with the hand and the little

balls, isn't it?

Slum, if he was a performing fail, he'd
forget to flap his flippers.

Let's face it, fellas. I mean, I'm soft
-hearted, the same as the rest of you.

But show business is tough. True. I
mean, we all like him, but he is not an

artist. And the way we are placed at the
moment, we can't afford to carry

passengers.

I'm sorry, lads, but Parkey will have to
go.

I'm afraid so.

He'll have to go.

Oh, dear, oh, dear. That really has put
Piedog among kite hawks.

Turn me this up. I have got some
terrible news about Gunner Parkey, your

told you never to mention that again.

Sir, just one more time I must mention.
Because Solomon, sir, is going to remove

your most talented boy from concert
party on account of everything he do is

complete louse -up.

Melody!

Melody! Shut up! Shut up!

Shut up!

And what else do you know?

Well, sir, then they will go to Colonel
Saab.

And they will make obesity.

Then they will beg him to have Congress.

And then they will ask him to give
Gunnar Parkey boot, don't they?

That's their game, is it? Yes.

I'll soon settle their rash.

Hang on.

If my lad's out with a concert party,
there's nothing to stop me having that

lazy shower posted up the jungle.

But first of all, I've got to get my boy
a nice safe job.

Buttery Clark, for instance.

Oh, how beautifully top hole.

Sergeant Major Saab loves me.

Oh, $90, $90, $90.

I think that one was a bit nose -heavy.

Maybe you're right. I'll try a smaller
paper clip.

Allow me, sir. Thank you.

Thank you.

Beg your pardon, sir. I've been
thinking. There's a lot of extra work to

the battery office these days. All these
drafts to make up.

I reckon we ought to have a battery
clerk.

Oh, first class idea. What do you think,
Ashford? Oh, absolutely, sir.

Whom do you suggest?

Oh, Gunner Park. Well, I think Gunner
Park is my major job, is there?

Well, he might. He's not much good at
anything else, is he?

No, sir.

They've been rehearsing that song for
weeks.

He made an absolute shambles of it.

Some men don't like dressing up as
girls, sir.

Why ever not?

It was a marvellous idea. I was really
looking forward to it.

If I hadn't seen him sniffing round that
scraggy Queen Alexandra's nursing

yeomanry sister, I'd have my suspicions
about him.

Well, let's give him a try. Fix it up,
will you, Sergeant Major? Sure.

That was a piece of cake.

Now, as long as the Colonel's sat here,
he's not going to let the concert party

get posted.

I've got to get rid of him for a few
days.

And then, there's only him to deal with.

I can twist him round my little finger.

He's a right burk.

Bit of a teaser.

Listen.

Yeah. A right burk.

All I need worry about is the Colonel.

Anything the matter, Sergeant Miller?

No, sir. I was just thinking.

You've got a lot of responsibility in
your job.

It must weigh pretty heavy on your
shoulders at times. Yes, it does, I

No wonder you don't take a few days'
leave, sir, up in the Murray Hills. I

couldn't do that. Besides, I'm not very
fond of the hills.

He needs some more bait on the yoke.

Now, what's he short of?

Crumpet, I shouldn't wonder.

Mrs. Waddy Love Evans, sir.

She was the same.

M .O. sent her up the hills day before
yesterday.

Really? Yeah, she was pretty cut up, I
can tell you, sir.

Because her husband, Major Waddy Love
Evans, couldn't go with her.

Really?

Yes, I suppose some of that bracing
mountain air would set me up a bit.

Go on, Tom.

We all feel pretty badly about this,
Mark.

I never slept a wink.

Not one wink.

You snored a lot.

It's all right, Sully. I don't think I
was cut out for it. I'll get all

embarrassed at being a woman.

Anyway, don't worry, sunshine, because
I'm going to have a word with the

colonel, and we'll get your job
backstage.

Oh, thanks, Sully.

Oh, so all is sweetness and joy, and
everyone live happy ever after, isn't

Moody Sam!

No, it isn't.

Yes, probably, Pallion.

Stand at ease, Moody Sam, Moody Sam.
Stand still.

Towards you.

Good morning, sir, and gentle greetings.

Shut up!

Right, lovely boys, I have got news for
you.

Five minutes ago, a truck went up the
road. And do you know who was in it?

Do you know?

No, Sergeant Major.

It was not Mickey Mouse, was it? No,
Sergeant Major.

And it was not Nelson Eddy, was it? No,
it's probably not, Sergeant Major. No,

it's probably not, Sergeant Major.

No, certainly not!

It was your friend and mine.

Colonel Arthur Digby, St. John Reynolds,
R .A.

And he will not be back for seven whole
days.

But never mind, Bomberdeer, he will
carry memories of those wonderful shows

put on, and I hope he's got a long
memory, because last night was your

performance.

You're all posted up the jungle.

The next show you give, you better sing
real quiet.

Because them slant -eyed Japanese don't
like English music.

Going to park him?

Sir?

I'm afraid. Shoulders back.

Find better shoulders. Show more. Show
more.

Before he left, the colonel personally
selected you to be battery clerk.

Me, Sergeant Major?

You. But I don't know anything about
being a battery clerk.

If I say you're going to be a battery
clerk, you are going to be a battery

clerk. Yes, sir.

Right, report him out to the office.

Yes, sir.

The rest of you, report to the QM stores
and draw a beautiful new jungle kit.

There is mess!

Pull yourself, pull yourself!

The ruddy jungle again.

Already dead eight months.

I shouldn't be here.

What are we going to do, Solly? Yeah,
what are we going to do?

I don't know about you, I'm going sick.

What about the rest of us?

I'll think about that while I'm sick.

You're not going to desert us.

I'm going thick.

No, no, I thought of it first.

Well, everyone wants to see you go sick,
Solly, that's fair. Stop! Why don't you

sing one of your tough old British songs
to keep away the spirits?

Like, back up your troubling old Kent
Road, isn't it?

Shut up, Ranji.

I should never have been past day one.

That army doctor never liked me. And I
know why.

Because I'm a theatrical.

People have got a down on theatricals.

Just like that landlady in Salford. I
knocked on her door and I said, could

put me out for a week? And she said, no,
get out and don't take theatricals.

And she slammed the door in my face.

Me, an artist.

Oh, give it a rest, Gloria.

Sir, excuse me, but all is not darkest
before dawn.

Because I have just thought of something
most cunning.

and very naughty.

Go on.

Sir, 30 miles of railway line is one
small town called Ahmednipur. And it has

come to pass that Mohammed here has one
very beautiful sister who has husband,

who has father, who is telegraph
operator there, sir.

Now, sir, he is very highly respected
man and everybody look up to him.

But, like many of us, he has weakness.

What, sir?

Money.

How dare he be calling my beautiful
sister's husband's father crooked?

Oh, shut up, you silly fellow. Would he
not sell his grandmother for 100 rupees?

Oh,

no,

sir. He said not possible for him to
sell his grandmother for 100 rupees.

Because he already sold her last week
for 200 rupees.

Very fair price.

Sir, I will arrange for this man to send
telegram which read, whole posting is

cancelled. That's a great idea, Sonny.
Don't be stupid. All postings come from

GHQ. Also, sir, he will say, railway
broken into several different pieces.

Also, bubonic plague. Also, whole
district put into gelantine.

Quarantine. Ah.

sob righty, rungy rungy.

Rungy. Gelatine's the thing they cut
your head off with.

That's the guillotine, you burp.

You know, fellas, it might just work.

We only need a few days and the colonel
will be back. And sob, all this for 100

rupees. 100 rupees?

But it is not for me, sob.

90 is for him.

80 is for my beautiful sister's
husband's father, you see. That means

keeping 10.

But that is just, sob.

After all, it is his beautiful sister's
husband's father. Yeah, and you're

keeping ten and all, Ranji. But, sir, I
must speak to this man personally.

Therefore, it is necessary for me to
have train fare to travel on train.

You won't pay. You'll run on the
buffers. Sir, a man may travel in this

so many times.

But after that, it is written in the
scriptures, he push his luck.

Come on, fellas.

Divvy up.

from Station Master at Mednapool.

Do you think I ought to open it?

Yes, sir, because you're now important
battery clerk, isn't it?

Yeah.

Blimey, it looks like a spider's crawled
all over the page.

Oh, no, sir, that is our beautiful
Indian writing.

Let me read it for you, huh, sir?

Yeah, I think you better, Randy.

is stop.

All trains is stop, is stop.

One thousand Hindu lying all over track
being very civil disobedient.

All those damn natives are. What to do?

I will drive train all over them.

Also, severe breakout of bubonic plague
and several other nasty things.

Yeah, that means the concert party won't
be able to go.

How's that?

Oh, I'm glad about that. Because they've
been real nice to me, you know, Randy.

What are you doing in the battery
office?

I'm a friend. Shut up!

What have you got over there?

A telegram, sir. Telegram?

Yes, sir. I opened it in case it was
urgent. You opened it?

Good boy.

That shows great initiative.

I showed initiative when I was your age.

Oh, dear.

Bubonic plague.

Does that mean the concert party won't
be able to go, sir?

Oh, dear, they will be disappointed,
won't they?

We can't have that, can we?

We can't have them being disappointed.

I've had every inoculation in the book.

TAB, TT, cholera, yellow fever.

That's the worst yet.

I shan't be able to sing a note next
week.

Well, surely it hadn't gone to your
throat.

No, I can't do the actions.

Bring him in here.

I'd hit her badly.

That'd be stupid. She'd pass down the
queue.

I can't stand the sight of a needle.

I never could.

When I was a child, my parents wouldn't
take me to see a sleeping beauty.

I can't stand how it's either, so put me
down.

I'm not going to do my Ginger Rogers.

The great big O's in me arm. You're not
doing Ginger Rogers.

You're going up the jungle.

There's always after the war, isn't
there?

Don't get up.

How are you feeling, lovely boys?

Oh, they're all very sick, Sergeant
Mazesap.

Oh, dear. How sad. Never mind.

I'll bring you tidings of great comfort
and joy.

Now, when I've got that... That telegram
saying how all them trains was held up,

I thought to myself, blow me, the boys
will not be able to go.

But I have triumphed over adversity.

I have laid on a beautiful 1 ,500
-weight truck which will drive you right

round.

So you will not have to go through the
area.

What is said by some to have the plague.

What do we have to have them jabs for
then? We ought to be on the safe side,

aren't we?

I mean, if anything was to happen to you
before you got out of that jungle, I'd

never forgive myself.

Now, depot orders clearly state that
British other ranks will have four hours

rest after bubonic plague inoculation.

So you have four hours lovely rest.

And then... Report to the quartermaster
stores, draw jungle greens, jungle hats,

jungle boots...

John the Knives!

Which will be such help to you when
you're acting your way through the

And there's 1 ,400 hours beyond that
truck.

Malum?

Malum?

Give me some men who must out -park men.

Shoulder to shoulder.

He's a very unattractive personality at
times, isn't he?

100 rupees, and look where it got us.
Why, I'm very regrettable, sir.

Oh, never mind, Randy. It's not your
fault.

Anyway, you give me an idea.

Well, sir, you're most welcome.

Yeah, it came to me while I was standing
in the queue waiting for the needle.

Oh, what do you have to mention a needle
again for?

It's just getting better.

Come on, Gloria.

Off that char -poi, we've got work to
do.

It's the other arm, shut up.

This one's just come out in sympathy.

Oh, great one, sir.

I say, Sergeant Major.

Sir? What's all this I hear about the
concert party being posted?

That is quite correct, sir.

Well, it's a damn bad show.

How did you let that happen?

You signed the order, sir.

Master, excuse.

I signed everything you put in front of
me.

You'll have to get them off the draft.

Well, that wouldn't look too good at HQ,
sir. Beg your pardon, but you might

look a bit of a fool.

Oh,

we can't have that, can we?

We can't have me looking a fool.

Oh, best leave one alone, sir. I did
wonder at the time what made you do it.

It's extraordinary, isn't it?

I can't think what came over me. I mean,
it's not like me at all.

The Colonel will be furious.

My word, sir, look at the howler.

Them charwallers will have their tea
herns ready for inspection.

I mustn't be late for that, sir. I found
a dirty hern yesterday.

He must be a clever chap.

I wonder who he can be.

Anyone out there?

Stand at ease, chaps.

Afternoon, sir. We were just admiring
these wonderful flowers.

Do you like them?

Never seen anything like it in my life.

Just had my friend the bombardier here.

Who on earth could grow flowers in a
climate like this? Well, actually, it's

You must have green fingers, sir.

You're obviously a man of many talents,
sir.

Yes, I suppose I am, really.

What a damn shame you chaps are leaving.

Ah, well, sir, can't be helped.

Mind you, it's a pity, because we was
planning something really special, sir.

Oh, really? Oh, yes.

Oh, you'd better come round and tell me
about it, sir.

shower. They should have been all that
truck 10 minutes ago.

Stop. Solomon, stop. Send him his
greetings.

Shut up.

Thank you. You're a lovely man.

What is he?

Inside. Bust us up. Well, I'll have him
over there in double quick time.

Bust us up and raise us up.

Oh,

come on, Paderewski. That intro's far
too long. You're leaving him with egg on

his face.

You're right, Solly. Two bars is ample.

Yeah. Well, it's not very artistic.

Artistic's more artistic. Get on with
it.

Oh, dear.

Oh, hello, sir.

What are you doing here?

Rehearsing. Rehearsing?

Why aren't you on that truck?

Oh, the posting's cancelled.

Cancelled? Cancelled? Who by?

Um, Captain Ashwood. Ashwood?

Has he gone off his frame in rocker?

Do you mind making less noise, Sergeant
Major?

The artists are rehearsing a number.

You, sir?

You, sir?

Yes. I'm making my debut tonight.

Take it away, Professor.

A rum with a view.

And no one to worry us. No one to hurry
us through this

dream.

That's him to a T.

He's a lovely mover.

All is happy ever after, isn't it?

We'll be right back.

B -O -Y -S boys to entertain you!