All language subtitles for it_ain_t_half_hot_mum_s01e02_my_lovely_boy

Meet the gang cause the boys are here,
the boys to entertain you.

With music and laughter to help you on
your way to raising the rafters with a

hey, hey, hey. With songs and sketches
and jokes on anew with us about you and

Bill Blue. So meet the gang cause the
boys are here, the boys to entertain

B -O -B -O -Y -S, boys to entertain you.

Oh, meet the gang, because the boys are
here. The boys to

entertain you.

Why are you cleaning Sergeant Major's
boot? That is not your

job. You're a top -hold bearer to the
concert party.

Oh, I'm well aware of that, my good
fellow.

But Sergeant Major South Bearer Patel
has gone to the cinema.

Oh? What flick they're showing?

Very powerful story.

All about a beautiful young prince who
go riding on beautiful white horse.

And he meet a beautiful young princess
and he fall in love with her. But she

fall in love with him.

So he ride away into sunset.

He run for five hours.

With his packet, with ecstasy and
enchantment.

I'm reading all about it in the
newspaper.

What's that?

I'm also reading that General Montgomery
has reached Berlin.

Perhaps the war will be over in a very
soon time. Oh, my gosh, this is tough

news. He's a wonderful man, this
Montgomery Tarp.

With him leading us, we British are
bound to win war.

But it also says when the war is over,
the British will leave India and the

Congress Party will take over.

Oh, what time is that?

They are troublemakers, this hungry
party.

They are nothing but one big damn bunch
of coolies.

If we British leave India, it will be
disaster.

What will happen to you natives, eh?

How will you earn your living?

Who will you sell your Tito?

Huh? Indian troops?

No, they will not drink that muck.

If British leave, I shall also go home.
There is no place for me here.

I'm not going to be ordered about by a
damn bunch of coolies telling me what to

do.

I think perhaps I will also go to
England.

Why not?

You could set up a chawala in Piccadilly
Circus.

I have seen postcards of it, and there
is not one single chawala in sight.

You could do jolly well. Oh, that is
jolly good. But what will you do in

England? I shall set up one stall
outside Buckingham Palace.

I have seen one postcard of that, and
there is not one single stall there.

I say to myself, where do royal family
buy their goods?

Perhaps they will buy it from me.

Then I will be by appointment.

My gosh, we could both be jolly big
success.

I'm telling you, it is ill wind that
blows up nobody's creek.

Will you take your wife with you?

Oh, of course not. I will do what other
sobs do. One over there, one over here.

Like the sergeant's wife's baby there.
It is not the same one that I sometimes

see him with in the bazaar. The one in
the bazaar is much darker.

Ah, this must be his bloody one.

Oh, what beautiful English flower, huh?

Oh, I must go, Ranji. Duty is calling.

Salaam. Salaam, Mohammed.

Come on, Mohammed.

Jello, jello.

I'm coming very innocently.

Very guilty, sir.

I'll give you a tea, hot like hellfire.

You know, I think we've made a jolly
good job of this, chaps.

Royal Artillery Depot.

It looks awfully neat, doesn't it? We
shouldn't be doing this at all.

We have a concert party.

Old Sergeant Major Shutup must be mad.
He is mad. He's been out here too long.

He's got the doolally tap.

Does everybody that's been stationed out
here in Dulally for a long time get the

Dulally tap?

Pretty well, everyone, yeah.

I don't think my mother's going to like
that.

You know, when I get back home to
Glasgow and she finds I'm stark, brave

mad, I shouldn't think she'll notice.

Right. Now, listen, Gloria.

If I listen... When the curtain rises...
Yes.

You are standing at the top of this
staircase, dressed as... Tell me, tell

Ginger Rogers.

Oh, sorry. What sort of a staircase?

Oh, it's a great tall one with lots and
lots of steps leading right up into the

clouds. Oh, how high is it going to be?
Depends how many beer boxes we can get.

From the top, OK?

Remember, on the night, I'll be wearing
the blue dress.

Hang on. What is it, Lottie? They're
still at it. Old Sergeant Major

making them white in the stones.

Oh, white what? Oh, it's a separate
white what.

What was the stones? What was the steps?

What was the flag posts?

So what if he doesn't make us go out and
whitewash the Indians?

Well, that enough.

I'm resigning from the concert party.

Do you want to get posted back to the
jungle?

Well, at least they won't be
whitewashed.

Listen, sunshine, the only thing that
keeps us here is the fact that we're in

the concert party and the colonel thinks
it's good for morale.

So it's either the sergeant major and
his whitewash brush or the Japanese and

the samurai swords.

Take your choice.

I'll stick to the whitewash brush.

It's got a blunt end. Right, we're going
to get it from the stairs.

Now, loft it.

We'll start from the top, OK?

Remember, on the night. The blue dress,
yeah. I'm coming on now.

I'll pose at the top of the theatre for
some applause.

Yeah, not too long, though. Night and
day.

Blimey, what's happened?

I've been posted. I've just drawn my
jungle greens.

What's up? He's drawn our jungle
equipment and he's kitted out from tops

bottoms. Where are you going?

Tomorrow afternoon.

A place called Athan. Oh, good.

Eight -week jungle training.

Sir, for goodness sake, please say
something to cheer him up, because he's

very sad.

Yeah.

Look, don't worry, sunshine, it's not as
bad as all that.

What's it like up in the jungle?

Oh, it's horrible.

Oh, snakes and creepy crawly things.

Yeah. Oh, well done.

Now, look, it's not all that bad. Just
remember to tuck in your mosquito net at

night and you'll be fine. He's right,
sir.

It is really quite jolly in jungle.

All the same, I'd much prefer to stay
here with you lot. We'd like to have

son, but we can't. I mean, we're all
artists, you see. And I'm sorry, but

not. Oh, no.

I've got two left feet and I can't even
sing in tune.

Anyhow, I must say, I think you're a
nice crowd of fellas.

You're sort of different. Not like
normal blokes.

And joking and having fun.

I've really enjoyed myself here.

I'm going to miss you a lot.

I think you're a smashing crowd. I
really do.

Smashing crowd?

Come on, fellas. Let's get back to work.

Now, we'll take you from the top,
Loxley, OK?

You can sing without a pianist, can't
you? He's a nice chap. Couldn't we let

stay?

Do me a favour, will you? It's not up to
me.

Come on, from the top. Nice and easy. A
dove.

That's my mum.

Nice, isn't she? Oh, yes, dove.

Oh, no, dove.

Oh, my godfathers.

What's the matter?

Nothing, sir. I was just struck dumb by
her beauty.

Yeah, she's lovely.

Go to hell, sir!

Solomon, sir, wants to know how long you
are because he wants you to go to play

piano for rehearsals.

Oh, my gosh, what beautiful sight.

Royal artillery depot in gleaming white
stones.

And Union Jack with blue sky behind. It
is making me proud to be British.

God is in his heaven and all is right
with world.

What the hell's going on?

Not you, not you. You.

What do you think you're doing, lovely
boys?

Standing around here drinking tea?

Why aren't you wiping them stones?

Well, we'd almost finished, Sergeant
Major, so we thought we'd take a short

break.

Well, it's very hot, Sergeant Major.

It's very hot, Sergeant Major.

Especially for the time they use you.

You'll be a ruddy side -order by the
time I finish with you.

Thunder Ice!

Damn show!

Thunder Ice! Damn show! Thunder Ice!
Damn show! Thunder Ice! Damn show!

Thunder Ice!

Stand easy.

That's better.

Right, lovely boys.

Let's have a look at your handiwork.

Ooh.

Ooh. Very good, fair play.

Very artistic of you.

Wait a minute.

Colonel Graham.

Sir? Come here.

Sergeant Major.

University education.

Yes. Yes, that's quite right, Sergeant
Major.

How do you spell artillery?

A -R -T -I -L -L -E -R -Y.

You don't.

He spells it A -R -T -A -R -T, I -L -L
-L, A -R -Y -A -R -E.

It's not A -R -T -L -A -R -E.

It's A -R -T -L -A -R -E.

A -R -Y -A -R -E.

And he spells A -R -E -A -R -Y.

I've been in this regiment 22 years, and
I ought to know.

Well, you probably haven't seen it
written out in full very often, Sergeant

Major. Well, it's usually just the
initials, R .A.

You trying to make out I'm ignorant,
lovely boy? No, sir. Shut up! He must be

right, because he is a highly educated
man, and he has been to Oxford,

Cambridge, and God knows where.

Only Oxford, actually. Shut up!

Now change that E to an A. But it's
right, Sergeant Major, I promise you.

Honestly, I think perhaps...

You should have only one L, Sergeant
Wazir Sahib.

How would you know?

But he's also not lacking in learning.
He goes to night school two afternoons a

week.

What are you whispering?

If you had a small problem with me, you
would have asked me.

A -R -T -I -L -L -E -R -Y

Don't be such clever dickies.

ask you something of great
discreetfulness.

I have here one photograph, and it is
very odd and strange.

It is of a woman's heart, and I do not
understand it, and I want your honour to

explain it to me, because I am very
puzzled by it.

How dare you?

Depot orders clearly state that camp
personnel will not deal in obscure

photographs. Now get out of the way! Out
of the way!

Let me see.

Art. Art.

Can I help you, sir? No, you can't.

Here it is.

Artillery. A -R -T -I -L -L -E.

Must be a misprint.

Permit me, Sergeant Major Thup.

Oxford English Dictionary printed in
India by Lahore Press.

What do you expect?

Printed? by a lot of tarts.

Shut up!

I don't want any more arguments.

Any second!

Come here.

Yes,

Sergeant Major.

What are you on, Boyle?

I'm rehearsing, Sergeant Major.

No, you're not my answer.

You whitening stones.

Now pick up a brush and get on with it.

And the rest of you.

We've already given them one coat of
whitewash, Sergeant Major.

Well, give them another coat, then.

And then another coat.

I want them stones so white I dare not
look at them because they will dazzle my

eyes!

Carry on!

Come on, lads.

Let's whiten the stones.

Scott, Scott, shut up!

Tell him. Carry on, Ashwood.

Carry on what, sir?

Just carry on.

Carry on, chaps. Thank you very much.

All right, fellas, all right. Don't
worry, I'll soon have you off that.

Better hurry up, Sully. We're getting
cooked to a frazzle out here. You all

right? Randy? Stop. Come here, son.

Look, I want you to knock at the door
and ask the captain's side if we can see

the colonel's side.

Well, Sergeant Major Todd will have my
guts forgotten.

He was stretched in jolly hard.

He's not there, is he? You saw him go
off. Now, look, just knock on the door

ask the captain's side if we can see the
colonel's side.

Come in.

Oh, blimey.

I don't want to see you, sir.

Have you said?

Oh, Krishna, please let ground open and
swallow me up.

One minute, sir.

There are two sirs waiting outside to
come inside.

To see Colonel Saab to prostrate
themselves, isn't it?

Four Saabs have arrived.

Solomon Saab and Bowman Saab.

I'll soon sort them out, sir. Wait a
minute, Saab madam. Better find out what

they want. Wheel them in, will you?

Get out, get out, get out! Johnny,
Johnny!

Oh!

If I may be allowed to say so, sir, I do
like that jacket you're wearing.

Oh, do you really?

It's just something the Dursley knocked
up for nothing special. Oh, I realise

that, but the way you wear it, that's
important.

I mean, you've got to have the figure to
wear clothes, and you have got that

figure, hasn't he?

Oh, yes, of course, yes. It fits
beautifully on the Colonel's shoulders.

Bleeding crawlers.

Well, how's the show going?

Oh, we're putting in a new number, sir.

Yes, it's called A Pretty Girl is Like a
Melody.

Yeah. All the blokes come down the
stairs dressed as your favourite film

What films, sir? Oh, Rita Hayworth,
Betty Grable, Jane Russell, Esther

Ginger Rogers.

You mean they're all dressed up as
girls?

That's right, sir.

Disgusting.

Of course, I'm Ginger Rogers, sir.

Why, if you were Ginger Rogers in the
top hat number in the last show, do you

remember, Ashford? Oh, yes.

He's rather good at being Ginger.

A preferred class?

Where are you putting the new number in
the show?

Oh, not for a long time yet, because the
concert party's always on for tea, sir.

What are they on now, Sergeant Major?

My God, I'm whitening stones, sir. I
think we can let them off. They must be

white enough by now.

Stones, I mean, not the men.

They must be pretty red under the sun.

Very good, sir. Very witty.

All right, business.

Change out!

Salute!

getting Colonel, sir.

Looks lovely on you.

I'm surprised he didn't go down on your
hands and knees and lick his boots while

he was at it.

What a good idea. Let's go back and tell
him to do it. Shut up!

You think you are so smart, don't you,
lovely boys?

Because you've got the Colonel to
protect you.

But if anything should happen to him, go
thick on leave.

I'll have you posted back up that jungle
so fast your feet won't touch the

ground!

Of the king, my lad. Who been, my lad.
Who are seen, my lad.

Top.

What do you want, Bertha?

Mr. Top, I must ask you something of
great urgentness. I have such a weight

my mind, I cannot sleep.

Have you got some baby into trouble?

Mr. Top, nothing like that.

But I must ask you one question at risk
of incurring your terrible wrath. But

the beautiful lady in the photograph, is
she one saint, sir?

A what?

Is she a saint?

Oh, yes.

She is a saint.

She's the only woman I ever loved.

I haven't seen her for 20 years.

How dare you? What the hell's it got to
do with you? Oh, sir, please, sir,

please see my shirt. They're all
strangling me.

His mother?

Parkins? Parkins?

Parkins, Parkins.

Name of mother?

Edith.

When was he born?

Colt.

Colt Chester.

October the 2nd, 1925.

October, September, August, July.

January.

It's the New Year's Eve dance.

Oh, glory be.

What happened after Bartholomew?

Two days later, I was posted overseas,
and I got a letter saying she'd married

this bloke.

I never saw her again.

Oh, Sergeant Midgetov, it is wise water
buffalo that knows his own sport.

My little boy.

You're in doolally.

Bearer. If you breathe a word of this to
anybody, I'll screw your head off.

Sergeant Major, sir, don't speak to me
as if I were some damn native.

I'm really gentleman as you are, and I
know the court.

One must never mention a lady's name who
is in a mess.

Your secret is safe with me, sir.

Totally, honestly.

My son, you're in India.

I'm sending him up the jungle tomorrow.

But can you not get him taken out of the
draft, Sergeant Major, sir?

Of course I can't.

The colonel would want to know the
reason why.

I'd have to have a reason for stopping
his posting.

Get him a job on the camp that's
important to the colonel.

What's important to the colonel? What
does he like best?

That nice, round, soft lady who runs
WVS, Mrs. Waddle of Heaven.

Shut up.

Oh, a thousand apologies, Sergeant Major
Sarp. I have broken British code of

honor and I have mentioned lady's name
who is in a mess.

How can I be punished? Oh, may my
chepattis turn to dust.

Shut up, will you? I'm trying to think.

There must be a way of stopping parties
getting posted.

I got it, Sergeant Major Sarp. What?

Concert party.

What? Concert party.

You know how Colonel Saab likes a
concert party. You could put Parkinson

and that would prevent him from getting
posted.

Don't be absurd.

Parkinson can't sing.

Can't dance.

Can't do anything.

Listen to this, Sergeant Major Saab.

Are you in the box?

Yes, I'm in the box.

Do you want to come out? Yes, I want to
come out.

Are you going to be good boy?

Yes, I'm going to be a good guy.

You've gone mad, Bearer.

Sergeant Major Sharp, don't you remember
the little soldier that Smith Saab used

to put on his knee and talk to?

Oh, you mean the ventriloquist dummy?
Gee, Saab.

Gunner Smith Saab left it behind when he
went home to Blighty.

And it is now in the theater in a
suitcase.

And there are some papers with it with
funny words on.

Gunner Parkins could put the little
fellow on his knee.

I don't know.

Still, I suppose it's worth a try.
Right, now listen.

Go and get the dummy.

Wake Parkins up and bring him here. Hey,
and don't wake anybody else up. Creep

in. Oh, don't worry, Sergeant Major
Saab. No bigger creeper than me.

I still don't understand, Sergeant
Major, why you got me out of bed in the

middle of the night.

You were going to be a ventriloquist,
lovely boy.

You'd like that, wouldn't you?

I don't know anything about being a
ventriloquist.

Listen, Gunner, if I say you're going to
be a ventriloquist, you are going to be

a ventriloquist. Now, shut up!

Right, Bearer, show him how to be a
ventriloquist. I'll shut up.

Stand up straight, boy.

Shoulders back.

Fine pair of shoulders you've got there,
show them off.

Madam Minister, would you mind holding
the little fellow for a moment while I

put on my spectacles?

So that I can see the funny words.

Yes,

I'm ready, sir, Madam Minister. Well,
get on with it. Now, pay attention,

Gunner. Yes, Dr. Major.

Good morning, Tommy.

How are you?

I'm all right. How did you win that
medal?

I saved the regiment.

Oh, you saved the regiment? How did you
do that? I shot the cook.

Yes, well, there you are, Gunner.

Nothing to it. Now you can have a go.

Now pay attention.

You grasp the pole at the base of the
dummy's head firmly with the operational

arm.

rotate the head in a clockwise or anti
-clockwise direction as required.

At the same time, work in the lips by
moving the lever up and down with the

extended thumb.

Got that?

I think so, Sergeant Major.

Right. Sit down over there.

You have a go.

Just a minute now.

Sit that dummy up straight.

He's slumming in.

I won't have a slumming in dummy.

Supposed to be a soldier.

Good morning, Tommy, and how are you?
Good, good.

I'm all right, sir, and how are you? You
got it wrong.

The dummy's lips move, not yours.

Again.

Good morning, Tommy, and how are you?
Good.

I'm all right, sir, and how are you? As
you were.

Your lips are moving. I will not have
your lips moving.

But I can't stop them moving.

I say your lips won't move, they won't
move. Now, that's an order.

But I don't want to be a ventriloquist.

I say you're going to be a
ventriloquist.

You are going to be a ventriloquist if
we have to stay here all night.

Now, start again and sit that dummy up
straight.

Good morning, Tommy, and how are you?

I'm all right, sir, and how are you?

Again. Good morning, Tommy, and how are
you?

I've never heard anything like it in my
life.

It's like flipping out into a night in
Dixie.

I was telling you wrong.

I ain't half nervous, surely.

There's no time for that. Get your chair
and get behind the curtain.

And now,

fellas, for the first time on any stage,
we present for you Gunner Parkins and

his little friend, Gunner Tommy!

Take it away, Gunner!

And remember... Do not move lips.

Oh, it's all right.

Look!

I can't get the head back on,

Solly.

I have some wonderful news.

I have just received this signal that
the Germans have...

the rest of you pansies.

Them Germans may have surrendered, but
we still got them Japanese to deal with.

We're going to fight them, fight them,
and beat them.

We'll teach them to lay their dirty
yellow hands on our lovely empire.

It wasn't me, Sergeant Major, sir. It
was him.

Shut up, naughty boy.

The boys are here, the boys to entertain
you.