All language subtitles for it_ain_t_half_hot_mum_s01e01_meet_the_gang

India, the brightest jewel in Great
Britain's crown of empire.

For 200 years, many famous heroes fought
to keep the Union Jack flying over this

vast continent.

1757, Clive of India.

1826, Colonel William Sleeman, who
suppressed the Thugs.

1857, General Havelock, hero of Lucknow.

1945.

This great tradition of empire is
defended by a new generation of heroes.

B -O -B -O -Y -S, boys to entertain you.

Oh, meet the gang, cause the boys are
here.

The boys to entertain you.

With the music and laughter to help you
on your way to

raising the raft.

All right, fellas, all right. Let's try
it again.

And this time, get it right.

Remember, this is supposed to be a
sophisticated number.

You're all smart New York men about
town.

How can I be sophisticated in this heat?

I'm sweating like a pig.

Just do what I do.

Imagine you're sweating champagne and
diamonds.

All right, Gloria.

Look, kids, look, kids.

When he gets to the line, I'm putting
him his shirt studs.

Some of you are putting them in from the
top and some from the bottom, and you

look as if you're doing that with your
flies.

You must all do it from the same place,
here.

Yes, from your navels.

Thank you.

Solly is talking.

Right, we'll try it from there.

Ready? A one, a two, a one, two, three,
four.

I'm putting in my shirt.

Do it, do it. Hold it, hold it, hold it,
kid.

We won't have to actually put the thuds
in, will we?

No, of course not.

Oh, really, you great big sweaty bush
idiot?

Well, I warned you once before, next
time.

Knock it off. He nearly did.

We're going to do a show tonight.

Right.

Now, from the top. Are you ready?

Now,

from the top. A one, a two, a one, two,
three, four.

atmosphere, that's certainly... And
Ginger Rogers!

That's a statue!

It's typical every time you get in my
line!

Randy, any news? Oh, Tom, Graham, Tom,
he's still on Janker and not free to

piano for your excellent rehearsal.

Oh, yes. Great.

Am I supposed to rehearse a professional
show without Petter Ruskin at the

piano?

Do you see the Sergeant Major?

Yes, but he is not listening to me. All
time saying, shut up!

And... He's making Graham's hub whiten
his stones.

Oh, isn't it marvellous? Am I trying to
do my Ginger Rogers and the pianist is

whitening stones?

That Sergeant Major shallot goes too
far.

And the way he carries on, anyone think
we were soldiers or something?

Look, if we are going to open tonight,
we've got to get a jowdy on. And when in

doubt, fellas, go to the top men.

I'm going to send a note to the Colonel.
That's solid.

Oh, Sergeant Major should have lovely
old good forgotten.

Oh, no, he won't, sunshine, because
we're the Colonel's blue -eyed boys,

remember? Now, Randy, I'm giving you a
chitty to take to the Colonel's side.

Tea, Kai? Here, get that. Right.

Paper, someone.

Here, Snowy, I've got some tea. All
right, quick, quick, quick.

Pencil, pencil!

Right.

I am putting on my top hat, tying on my
white

tie, brushing on my tail.

Graham, sir.

Graham, sir. Do not worry. All is well.
I have one cheaty for Colonel Tharp. It

will secure your release so that you
will be free to tickle your ivories.

No, Randy, it won't work.

They'll never let me off jankers until I
finish painting all these stones.

Gosh,

it's hot, isn't it? Now, what you're
needing is one nice cup of tea.

I will whiten the stones for you. Oh,
no, no, no.

It is very infradig.

For a man like you to be doing work like
this, you must think of your beautiful

hands and let me do the intra -digging.

Where is that damn chawala? Chawala!

I'm approaching as instantly as
possible.

Don't go shouting about as if I was some
damn native.

I will shout at you as much as I please.

Jolly good pub. Muhammad make most
excellent good tea pub. Yes, I'm sure.

will be most entombed.

Now, sir.

Be seated so you may drink your tea more
comfortably because it is more fitting.

Thank you very much. It's surely decent
of you.

Yes,

sir. Royal Artillery Depot.

What's the fare?

Two rupees, sir. What? Two rupees. Hey,
one moment, sir.

One moment.

How much is this fellow charging you?

He said two rupees or whatever that is.

Two rupees?

But it is only one mile to railway
station.

Leave this to me, sir. I know how to
handle these damn natives.

Enjoying you a tea, Gunner? Yes, thank
you. What the hell's going on?

Get that dirty charron off my veranda!

How dare you?

With two pins, I take your pass away and
have you off the camp!

Oh, Sergeant Minister, please don't do
that. I'm a poor, humble man with a wife

and eight lovingly children to support.

Don't take away my livelihood.

I'm urgently... Shut up!

Completely shut up.

What's your name, Gunner?

Parkinther.

Where have you been?

The rest of the draft arrived yesterday.

You are 24 hours late.

Well, you see... Get up!

Depot orders state that BORs will not
travel in rickshaws.

I'm sorry, Sergeant Major.

There's no excuse, lovely boy.

They're dirty, they're filthy, and you
could cut some very nasty things sitting

in one of those.

Say I'm saying what I'm talking to you!

You, get that dirty, lousy, flea -ridden
contraption out of here! Now move

yourself! Jolly, jolly!

Oh, jolly well done, Sergeant Major
Thorpe. That is putting him in his

Shut up!

Willingly, sir, you are too kind.

What did you think you was doing sitting
down by there drinking tea? Why wasn't

you whiting them stones?

I'm terribly sorry, Sergeant. Shut up!

Sergeant, Sergeant, it is totally my
fault.

I did not think it right for a man like
Graham Saab to be doing a job like this.

After all, he's a highly educated man.

And at that benefit, a world -famous
Oxford University hallowed wall and ivy

-covered balls, isn't it?

park in one of the quartermaster's
stores and draw a mosquito net. Jody.

have one. Jody!

Get on with those stones, Graham.
Absolutely. Right away, Sergeant Major.

Why aren't you punkering?

What did he say? He say there is no
point in punkering if there is no one in

office to punker for.

You tell him his job is to punker and he
is to keep punkering or he'll get my

foot up his punk.

Damn people too big for damn boots.

Royal Artillery Deputy Doolary, Battery
Sergeant Major William Shearer.

Inspector Singh, sir.

No, sir, the colonel's not here at the
moment.

Perhaps you care to ring back.

Very good, sir.

Who was that, Sergeant Major?

I didn't see you there, sir.

It was Inspector Singh, sir.

He's ringing back later.

You all right, sir?

As a matter of fact, I'm terribly
worried, Sergeant Major.

Exposing it to this hot sun seems to
shrivel it up.

Well, uh... But you ought to keep it
covered, sir.

Yes. As a matter of fact, I was thinking
of putting a little tent over it.

Tell me what you think.

After all, you should know.

You've been out here longer than I have.

Well, sir?

That's it?

Well, you're quite right, sir.
Definitely shriveled.

Morning, Sergeant Eddard. Sir!

I'd give it up without you.

Never do any good in this damn heat, old
boy.

Sound me this up.

I have one key for Colonel South.

I thought I told you to get over the
quartermaster's door so we'd get a

Just going, sir. Oh, then, Johnny,
Johnny!

You are too kind.

Who's it from?

It's from Bombardier Solomon, sir.

Sending you notes?

Never heard such impertinence in all my
life.

What does it say?

It says, can Bombardier Solomon have the
services of Gunner Graham as he is

needed most urgently for a year or so?

Well, that's the peonage bloke, isn't
it?

Yes, sir. We'd better send him over
there straight away.

So he's on junkers. I can't help that,
Sergeant Major. It's their opening

We don't want the show to be shambles,
do we?

I'll see to it, will you?

Good, sir.

Gunner Graham.

Sergeant Major.

Report the concert party bargey straight
away.

Dismissed! Oh, that really is John is
faulting of him.

With respect, sir, I must point out that
those men in the concert party have no

right to be here.

They should all be posted up the jungle.

It's only a holding unit.

Exactly.

Troops arriving here from the UK know
it's the last stop before they go on to

Burma. Their morale must be kept up,
Sergeant Major.

The concert party does a first -rate
job.

The men need to be entertained.

Well, they do have the garrison kinema,
sir. Oh, that's not quite the feeling at

all, is it, Ashford? Oh, dear, sir.

You can't beat a live show.

Young fellas and girls on the stage.

First rate.

They're not real girls, sir.

They're men dressed up as girls.

I'm well aware of that, Sergeant Major.

I'm not a complete fool, you know.

Well, with the footlights on them and
lipstick and powder and one thing and

another.

They're not too bad at all, really.

I mean, dammit, in this godforsaken
hole, they're the nearest thing we're

to get to women.

I thought you put that very well,
Ashford. Thank you, sir.

Such a slobby shower, sir. I mean, every
one of them's got a different hat on.

I can't help that, Sergeant Major. This
is a holding unit.

I'm not authorized to issue extra
clothing unless the men are posted to

service. But I do see your point.

We need a consul party.

What we want is a smart consul party. So
give them some parades or something.

Right, sir.

I'll smarten them up.

Captain Ashford.

Good morning, Captain Ashford.

Inspector Singh here.

Oh, hello, boy.

What can I do for you?

I just thought I'd give you a tinkle.
Got a bit of a flap on here.

There's a demonstration tonight.

Oh, law.

A big one?

No, only about 500.

But the procession will be passing by
the camp.

Just keep the gate shut and stay inside.

All my men will be on duty.

Well, thanks for warning us. Cheerio.

Toodle -piple, boy.

That would expect to sing, sir, the
policeman chap here. There's going to be

demonstration tonight.

Oh, not another one.

Never heard such impertinence in all my
life, sir.

Here we are fighting to defend their
country from the Japanese, and how do

repay us? Marched by the camp every
night shouting, quit India.

Base in gratitude, that's what it is.

Quit India.

Why, it's your bloody cogo.

the way.

Britain never, never, never shall be
played.

You wait here, sir.

I will report to Sergeant Major Thorpe.
Hey,

you! Sit up straight when you are
punkering. Where do you think you are,

God's sake?

How dare you? To who do you think you
are talking to?

I am bearer to concert party, which is
top hold job.

So don't you go getting ideas above your
terminus.

Wait outside!

Sergeant Major Thaab kindly ask you to
wait.

He shouts a lot, don't he? Oh, he's not
hard, man. Only on top is he fierce.

At bottom, he's soft, like that mango.

You were very soft with that fellow
pulling that string. He kicked him. Oh,

he did not kick him very hard, sir.

And he's only low -caste fellow.

We British have to be firm.

It is only way. We must maintain law and
order.

It's only thing these fellows
understand.

I'll give you one illustration.

Now take the bee.

One nice, furry little fellow in
football jersey, isn't it?

He go about doing his business in peace
and making beautiful sweetness.

But if anybody give him any trouble,
there is always sting in the bum.

That is sting in the bum, sir.

But where must he go for accommodation?

He'll only be here a couple of days. Put
him in the concert party, Barsha. Watch

it out. Wait a minute.

I'll come with you.

A few words to say to that lot.

My turn.

Sir? Stand to attention when I talk to
you!

I've never seen anything like it in all
my life.

You've got more hats amongst you than a
lady's flaming haberdashery department.

Where have you been, Gunner?

Sorry, Sergeant Major.

I'm not well.

I've got a Bombay trots.

Have you been eating bananas without
cutting...

A falling lovely boy.

Yes, Sergeant Major.

I mean, no. I can't.

He's got no control.

That's his trouble.

He wants to get some service in.

Don't he?

I wish I had a pound for every dose of
the deli belly I've had.

Sergeant Major, it's MO's orders. It
protects my head from the sun.

I've got very thin skull bones.

Well, you know why that is, don't you?

No. You've got such a huge brain.

It's rubbing on the inside and wearing
your head out.

the difference if I climbed up your
nostrils and kicked your brains out.

There's one thing you've got to
remember, lovely boy.

When you were up there in Burma wading
through swamps with slant -eyed Japanese

waiting for you behind every tree, your
university education won't do you much

good up there, will it?

No, Sergeant Major. No, Sergeant Major.

Two years up in that jungle, playing
hide and seek with those sons of the

sun.

And I am going to make sure that you,
and the rest of you, poofs,

end up right there.

Oh, I know you're the colonel's
favourite, but he's only going to take

outside this camp, and I'll have you on
that train and up the jungle so fast

your feet won't touch the ground!

That's all.

Dismissed! Now move yourselves up!

Oh, really, those awful, boring jungle
reminiscences.

Oh, really, I shall have gone too far
this time.

Does that upset you with all that talk
about jungles?

I mean, am I expected to do a show
tonight after all that chat?

You can do it, lovely girl.

What has everyone called a sergeant
major, old shut -up? Mikasa!

He is all the time telling everybody to
shut up. He never stops.

All the time saying, shut up, shut up,
shut up, all the time, shut up, shut up.

Oh, blimey, dearie me.

Are

you

not feeling well?

I feel terrible.

I'm frightened to cough.

go sick.

You can't do that. We'll be one short
for the top act number.

How can he help that?

How can he move?

Oh, you're so amateurish.

Listen, Petal, I've warned you for the
last time.

And then old shut -up will know we can
manage with one less.

And Atlas will get posted.

And that'll only be the thin end of the
wedge.

Before you can turn around, you'll all
be back in Burma.

Oh, no, fellas.

We've got to find someone to take his
place.

Sorry, I've not been able to write home
before.

I've now been out in India two days and
it's awful.

No, I'd better not put that.

I've now been out in India two days.

And it ain't half up, Mum.

Oh, happy days are here again.

Sorry, do I look all right?

Fine, fine.

I'm half nervous. What happens if I
forget any words? Just happen to shake

arse. No one will know the difference.

I don't believe it.

Don't drop your flipping stink.

No, right, OK.

Do your flies up.

He's poncing about on the stage.

Paint on their faces. It's not normal
and it's not natural.

Captain Ashwood here.

Hello, Ashwood, old boy. A thing here.

I have some bad news for you.

The demonstration has started.

Don't worry, old man. We can handle it.

We've put on extra guards.

Who said there'd only be about 500 in
the procession?

Lord, no. More like 5 ,000. Never think
it's a mob.

They've broken every glass window in the
police station except my office.

Fortunately, that's too far for them to
throw.

Must be some damn cricketers amongst
them.

They've put every man you have in the
camp on duty. I'm coming over now.

Bit of a flap on, Sergeant Major.

There's a mob of 5 ,000 making for the
camp.

What a damn nuisance.

All the chaps are in the theatre
watching the show.

Don't you worry about that, sir.

I'll soon have them out of there.

Right, I'll warn the guardroom.

Seriously, fellas, seriously, on a
serious note, we must say goodbye to the

banks of the Shelley Marr and hello to
the glamour and sophistication of New

York's Broadway, Park Avenue and 42nd
Street. Take it away, Professor!

Here, glory! Where have you been?

I come from a red knickers anywhere!

Oh,

shut up.

Is he?

The show, my dear, stop the show.

I said stop the show.

You're so sharp, he's trying to say
something. Take a note, just ignore him.

Look at what, Sergeant Major?

Those banners.

British goal.

British goal.

Bloody cheek.

Here we are fighting to defend their
country, and this is how they repay us.

You rot!

You should take it as a compliment to
them the cow's a sacred animal.

What to do, Sergeant Major, sir?

What is world coming to?

When will these damn natives learn to
keep their place?

We are here to make you feel good. So
give us a cheer with the hey, hey, hey.

Let's gather around and put down your
gun.

We're not about to play to your fun. So
meet the gang cause the boys are here.

the bomb to entertain you.