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[theme music playing]
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[birds chirping]
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[soft music]
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00:00:32,040 --> 00:00:34,480
[Jeremy] Now that we were heading
into high summer,
5
00:00:34,720 --> 00:00:37,760
it was time
for one of the most enjoyable jobs
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00:00:37,920 --> 00:00:39,680
on the farming calendar:
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putting the cows back in the fields
8
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after their winter confinement
in the shed.
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[Jeremy] Right, so we get four
in the trailer and off to Cow Ground.
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00:00:51,360 --> 00:00:52,160
[Kaleb] Yep.
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[Kaleb groans]
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[Jeremy groans]
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Open that gate up.
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I like working with you now.
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-[Jeremy] What, you didn't used to?
-[Kaleb] No.
16
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[Jeremy chuckles]
17
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Go on then, cows. Good cows.
18
00:01:08,440 --> 00:01:10,120
-Go on. Yes.
-[Kaleb] Get on.
19
00:01:10,280 --> 00:01:11,880
-[Kaleb] Go on.
-[Jeremy] There we go.
20
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[Kaleb] Go on.
21
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[Kaleb groans]
22
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[Jeremy] Right.
23
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[Kaleb] Are you gonna go on your own
and I'll get the next four in?
24
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[soft music]
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[Jeremy] This is
one of my favourite days,
26
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releasing the cows into the fields,
27
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because they're so happy after... What?
28
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Five, six months
being locked up in the barn?
29
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They suddenly have the freedom,
all that grass.
30
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And it's like: "Oh, I remember."
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[Jeremy] I arrived at the cow field,
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remembering well
the last time we did this.
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[mooing]
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[Jeremy] Look at them! Excited cows!
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Free!
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[Lisa] Hey.
37
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-So happy!
-[Jeremy laughs]
38
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[Jeremy] "I'm free and out!"
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[Jeremy] And he released the raptors.
40
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Wait.
41
00:02:07,520 --> 00:02:09,320
There. You're free. Now go.
42
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[Jeremy] Is that it?
43
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[cow mooing]
44
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Come on! Where's all the running around?
45
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You're supposed
to dance around and be happy.
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You ungrateful bastards.
47
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[soft music]
48
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[Jeremy] After that letdown,
I went to inspect my Space Penises,
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00:02:42,240 --> 00:02:45,840
fully expecting some more disappointment.
50
00:02:47,120 --> 00:02:47,960
Right.
51
00:02:48,520 --> 00:02:51,000
I'm rather optimistically
going to bring...
52
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One crate? Two crates.
53
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Two crates for my mushrooms.
54
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I'll get into my Darth Vader outfit.
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My rubber gloves on.
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Yay! Holy Moly!
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Look at those.
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And those!
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This is amazing.
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Look at these beauties. Look at this.
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This could work.
This could actually work.
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So what you do to pick them,
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it's a twisting,
strangling motion like...
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That's not quite right.
65
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God!
I'm having mushrooms on toast tonight.
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[Jeremy] Having boxed up the mushrooms,
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I high-tailed it over to the farm shop
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before it opened for business.
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-[Jeremy] Lisa?
-[Lisa] Yeah.
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-I've got good news.
-[Lisa] Yeah?
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Wow! They're beautiful.
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-They are, aren't they?
-What are they?
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-Grey oyster mushrooms.
-Oh, my God.
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I've made a thing for them.
75
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-So we're selling them by the punnet.
-Yeah.
76
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How much do you reckon for a punnet?
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-[Jeremy] I say £3, £3,50.
-Yeah.
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00:04:08,600 --> 00:04:10,800
[Jeremy] We then went
to show them to Scott,
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the chef in the shop's burger van.
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-Wow.
-Aren't they beautiful?
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-[Scott] These are all grown up at the...
-[Lisa] Yes.
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We're growing these. We're gonna have
a regular supply of mushrooms.
83
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We can do mushrooms on toast
or something in the mornings.
84
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-Yeah, mushrooms on toast.
-[Lisa] Yeah! Amazing.
85
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[Jeremy] Everybody wants
mushrooms on toast.
86
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We can make mushroom ketchup if you get
to the end and you've got loads left.
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-[Lisa] Ooh!
-Nice!
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-Yeah?
-Mushroom soup?
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Yeah. Whatever you like.
90
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-Vegan burger.
-Yeah!
91
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-Finally we get... Oh, it's not vegan.
-[Jeremy] Shit.
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[chuckles]
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[Lisa] What have you done?
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What's wrong, love?
95
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Oh no. What's wrong?
96
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Are you all right?
97
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[Lisa] Are you crying or laughing?
98
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We've won the appeal.
99
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-[Lisa gasps]
-[woman] Shut up!
100
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-[Lisa] No way!
-Ah, nice!
101
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[laughing]
102
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Oh, my God!
103
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We've won the appeal!
104
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-Oh wow!
-[Lisa] What happened? Tell me!
105
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-Stop the lights.
-I'm reading it.
106
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[woman] Well done, guys.
107
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-Oh, my God!
-[Jeremy] Oh, God.
108
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I've been so worried.
109
00:05:09,440 --> 00:05:12,160
-It's a hell of a long document but...
-Bloody hell. That's juicy.
110
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[Jeremy] Point 41:
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"I shall for the purposes
of clarity and understanding,"
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this is the planning inspector,
113
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"correct the allegation
to a change of use to a mixed use
114
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comprising agriculture, café,
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restaurant, farm shop, parking
and lavatory facilities."
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-He's given us the whole shebang?
-[woman] Blimey!
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-The whole lot.
-[woman] Yes!
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It seems we aren't... That's gone.
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We aren't allowed
to have a restaurant there.
120
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-But we can have this here.
-[Scott] Amazing.
121
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And we can make that a café in there.
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[all laughing]
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This is very...
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This is the biggest "fuck you"
to the council I've ever...
125
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[Lisa chuckles]
Oh, my God! I've been so worried.
126
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That is amazing.
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But it's also common sense.
128
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-Well, of course it's common sense!
-I know.
129
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The council didn't have any,
and there's an inspector...
130
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Do you think the council will appeal?
131
00:06:04,160 --> 00:06:07,400
-I don't think the council will appeal.
-And spend everyone else's money?
132
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This inspector's taken...
How long? Four months?
133
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I don't think he's going
to have made a mistake, is he?
134
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Basically, we're safe.
And it seems to be for three years.
135
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We're good to go for three years.
136
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-We're back in business.
-[Lisa] The shop can do anything.
137
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-[laughing]
-Fuck!
138
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[soft joyful music]
139
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[Jeremy] Lisa decided to celebrate
this victory over the council
140
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by inviting all her thin,
blonde Oxfordshire friends over
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for a spot of goat yoga.
142
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[instructor] Squeeze and retract
the shoulder blades to open up the chest.
143
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Into your Warrior 3 position.
144
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Keep the hips square,
shoulders square, core on.
145
00:06:47,320 --> 00:06:48,160
And then press...
146
00:06:48,320 --> 00:06:51,000
[Jeremy] I'm sure
this was all very modern
147
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but I hadn't bought the goats
to be used as wellness props.
148
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I'd bought them
to lay waste to my brambles,
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something they could hopefully
start doing now they had a campsite.
150
00:07:06,120 --> 00:07:08,600
However, we could only move them up there
151
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if they were big enough.
152
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[Jeremy] Right.
153
00:07:12,880 --> 00:07:15,440
-Do you know what we're doing?
-We've gotta weigh them.
154
00:07:15,640 --> 00:07:19,080
-And then, if it's underweight...
-Yeah?
155
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That's less than 17 kilograms,
we spray it red.
156
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-Not the whole thing.
-17 kilos?
157
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-Yeah.
-Wow.
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And then if it's ready to go outside,
it's green.
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We're hoping they're all green because
Lizzie's coming to take the milk machine.
160
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They're on solids now, aren't they?
161
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-How do we get them into the harness?
-[Lisa] Here, look.
162
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[Jeremy] You know how you get into it.
163
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[Lisa] Right. Okay. Let's take a fatty.
164
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-Don't! Stop eating my jeans.
-[Lisa] Quick.
165
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-Uh-uh-uh. Stop it. No.
-[Jeremy laughs]
166
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[Lisa] Ow!
167
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[Lisa grunts] Stop it!
168
00:07:54,240 --> 00:07:57,120
-[Jeremy laughs]
-Okay. That is 96.
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You didn't... Well, 96 what?
170
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Pounds?
171
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[Lisa] Kilograms.
172
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It's not 96 kilograms.
That's heavier than me.
173
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Right. Green.
174
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No, don't let go until we've sprayed.
175
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No, just spray. It's all right.
176
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No, don't let go! Bring it back
or else we're gonna lose it.
177
00:08:16,920 --> 00:08:20,240
[Lisa] Wait, I'm just... Oh, my God.
We're gonna be here for days.
178
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-[Jeremy] Stop it.
-[goat bleating]
179
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-No, you've gotta get it in the middle.
-It's heavy enough, I can tell you.
180
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This one's just coughed
and been sick all over me.
181
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Get off. Get off!
182
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This one is 16
with two back legs on the floor.
183
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-[Jeremy] Well, that's not accurate.
-That is definitely over 17.
184
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[Jeremy] In the middle
of this festival of incompetence...
185
00:08:40,640 --> 00:08:41,720
[Jeremy] Come on, man.
186
00:08:41,880 --> 00:08:44,480
[Jeremy] Lizzie,
the goat expert, arrived.
187
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[Lisa] Hi, Lizzie.
188
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What are you doing?
189
00:08:48,160 --> 00:08:49,080
[Jeremy] Weighing them.
190
00:08:49,280 --> 00:08:51,760
[Lizzie chuckles]
How's that going?
191
00:08:51,960 --> 00:08:53,640
-Not very well.
-No! You surprise me.
192
00:08:53,840 --> 00:08:56,080
-[Lisa] What did we say? 18 point...?
-[Jeremy] But we haven't marked it.
193
00:08:56,760 --> 00:08:57,640
-[Lisa] I have.
-Oh, you have?
194
00:08:57,840 --> 00:09:00,160
-[Lisa] Yes.
-Is there an easier way of doing it?
195
00:09:00,320 --> 00:09:02,240
Yeah. I can definitely think of one.
196
00:09:02,400 --> 00:09:05,440
Like, use the scales.
That would be my recommendation.
197
00:09:05,600 --> 00:09:07,760
[Jeremy] How do you make a goat
stand on a weigh scale?
198
00:09:07,960 --> 00:09:11,280
Just, he'll stand there. It'll be fine.
199
00:09:12,360 --> 00:09:13,360
[goat bleating]
200
00:09:13,880 --> 00:09:15,840
[Jeremy] So in fact,
that's plugged into the mains, yeah?
201
00:09:16,040 --> 00:09:17,160
[Lizzie] Yeah. We're all good.
202
00:09:17,320 --> 00:09:20,520
If you stand by the screen
when I put him on.
203
00:09:21,520 --> 00:09:22,520
It should give you a weight.
204
00:09:22,720 --> 00:09:24,640
-Oh, yeah. 19.46.
-There you go.
205
00:09:24,840 --> 00:09:26,880
So how...
Ow! That really hurt.
206
00:09:27,880 --> 00:09:30,000
You're getting weighed next
for being a horrible goat.
207
00:09:30,760 --> 00:09:33,880
Christ Al-bloody-mighty.
This is a porker.
208
00:09:34,120 --> 00:09:36,480
Wow. 28.66.
209
00:09:36,640 --> 00:09:38,200
-Oh!
-[bleating]
210
00:09:38,360 --> 00:09:41,200
-Next time, if you put your hand not...
-Yes, I've got that wrong.
211
00:09:41,400 --> 00:09:42,320
23.92.
212
00:09:42,480 --> 00:09:46,200
So you have grown good,
solid, healthy goats!
213
00:09:46,360 --> 00:09:48,720
-So we're happy?
-We're very happy.
214
00:09:48,880 --> 00:09:50,640
[Lizzie] You've done a very good job.
215
00:09:51,760 --> 00:09:55,200
All of these boys
are certainly over seventeen.
216
00:09:55,400 --> 00:09:58,520
-And very ready to go out.
-Ready to go out.
217
00:09:58,640 --> 00:09:59,480
[Jeremy] Right.
218
00:10:00,320 --> 00:10:02,880
[Jeremy] Before moving the goats
to their campsite,
219
00:10:03,080 --> 00:10:06,160
there was something
I needed to clear up with Lizzie.
220
00:10:06,960 --> 00:10:09,520
What's this I heard about...
Well, I was reading in my book,
221
00:10:09,720 --> 00:10:12,720
that if they escape then they're...
222
00:10:13,160 --> 00:10:15,760
-That would... Yeah, like...
-[Jeremy] Get off.
223
00:10:16,720 --> 00:10:17,760
-If you get the...
-[Jeremy] Stop it.
224
00:10:17,960 --> 00:10:20,760
If you get the fencing wrong,
it's carnage,
225
00:10:21,000 --> 00:10:23,520
because you'll never keep them in,
like, ever.
226
00:10:23,640 --> 00:10:25,040
Once they learn... They're so clever.
227
00:10:25,200 --> 00:10:27,400
If they start escaping, that's it.
228
00:10:27,520 --> 00:10:30,080
[Jeremy screams]
Fuck me!
229
00:10:30,880 --> 00:10:33,480
-I think it's trying to.
-[Jeremy] Jesus Christ!
230
00:10:33,640 --> 00:10:34,640
[Lizzie laughs]
231
00:10:34,760 --> 00:10:35,840
Right.
232
00:10:36,880 --> 00:10:40,480
Sorry, what were you saying
about the fencing being catastrophic?
233
00:10:40,640 --> 00:10:43,200
It could be catastrophic
if you don't get it right.
234
00:10:43,360 --> 00:10:45,160
So... Ow!
235
00:10:47,320 --> 00:10:48,760
-Do you want a lunch box?
-[Lizzie] Yeah!
236
00:10:49,200 --> 00:10:52,520
-[Jeremy] I need a cricket... They know.
-You need a cricket box. They do know.
237
00:10:52,760 --> 00:10:55,400
It's because I cut their balls off.
That really hurts.
238
00:10:55,560 --> 00:10:57,360
-Don't do that again.
-[bleating]
239
00:10:57,520 --> 00:10:59,200
Do not. Don't do that again.
240
00:10:59,560 --> 00:11:00,600
Get off!
241
00:11:02,040 --> 00:11:04,640
-They used to be so sweet.
-[Lisa] They were so small and cute.
242
00:11:05,040 --> 00:11:06,320
[Jeremy] And now they're just
eating things.
243
00:11:07,240 --> 00:11:09,640
-But if one does keep getting out...
-[Lizzie] Yeah.
244
00:11:10,280 --> 00:11:12,600
Best will in the world,
what damage is it going to do?
245
00:11:12,760 --> 00:11:15,160
Apart from kicking people in the nuts.
246
00:11:15,360 --> 00:11:17,480
So we had one really bad group
years and years ago
247
00:11:17,640 --> 00:11:19,240
and they went for all our sapling trees.
248
00:11:19,400 --> 00:11:22,600
they went through two fields
to get to the sapling trees.
249
00:11:22,760 --> 00:11:25,080
[Lisa] They could go onto the road
and cause an accident.
250
00:11:25,240 --> 00:11:26,280
Or your chillies.
251
00:11:26,440 --> 00:11:28,360
-I don't know how many they'd eat...
-They wouldn't.
252
00:11:28,520 --> 00:11:30,200
They would certainly go through
your polytunnel.
253
00:11:30,400 --> 00:11:32,440
Horns in a polytunnel
wouldn't be a good mix.
254
00:11:32,840 --> 00:11:34,440
So, really, we've gotta be very careful.
255
00:11:34,640 --> 00:11:36,240
[Lizzie] You really, really do, yeah.
256
00:11:36,400 --> 00:11:38,800
-[Lisa] Can you imagine...
-Look at Joe. He's in real trouble.
257
00:11:38,960 --> 00:11:40,520
-[chuckles]
-[Joe screams]
258
00:11:40,680 --> 00:11:42,480
-[Lisa] Here's our decoy here.
-Help!
259
00:11:42,640 --> 00:11:44,000
[laughing]
260
00:11:44,160 --> 00:11:46,160
-[Lisa] It likes you a lot.
-[Lizzie] Literally nothing's sacred.
261
00:11:46,320 --> 00:11:47,480
Ow!
262
00:11:48,880 --> 00:11:52,680
[Jeremy] We then showed Lizzie
the field where the goats would live.
263
00:11:54,080 --> 00:11:57,880
[Jeremy] If I leave this alone for much
longer, it will all just be bramble.
264
00:11:58,040 --> 00:12:00,880
[Lizzie] Yeah. They'll take the worst
of the brambles out.
265
00:12:01,560 --> 00:12:05,680
[Jeremy] And at every opportunity,
she came back to the topic
266
00:12:05,880 --> 00:12:08,400
of their escaping skills.
267
00:12:08,560 --> 00:12:10,680
[Jeremy] And do they need things
to climb on?
268
00:12:10,880 --> 00:12:14,920
We don't give them stuff outside because
they roll them into the electric fence
269
00:12:15,080 --> 00:12:16,760
-and then use that as an escape.
-No!
270
00:12:16,960 --> 00:12:18,080
-[Jeremy] No!
-Yes.
271
00:12:18,240 --> 00:12:21,040
-[Jeremy] What? Like Stalag Luft III?
-Yeah, honestly. Like that.
272
00:12:21,240 --> 00:12:22,920
Well, so rewind.
273
00:12:23,080 --> 00:12:26,760
If we put their sort of wooden toys
they've got in their barn now
274
00:12:26,920 --> 00:12:30,000
and put them in here,
they'll use them as a launching pad?
275
00:12:30,160 --> 00:12:32,920
Yeah. We found that
with the big sort of oil barrels?
276
00:12:33,080 --> 00:12:36,400
They roll them up into the fence
to short it out or use them to hop over.
277
00:12:36,560 --> 00:12:37,560
-[Lisa] That's so cool.
-[Jeremy] No!
278
00:12:37,760 --> 00:12:40,360
[Lizzie] They'll definitely be up
on that pig hut
279
00:12:40,560 --> 00:12:44,640
and over that fence, like, within hours
if they had access to it.
280
00:12:44,840 --> 00:12:46,200
-[Jeremy] Jesus.
-[Lisa] Clever, right?
281
00:12:46,360 --> 00:12:48,760
They're very intelligent.
Do not underestimate them.
282
00:12:49,880 --> 00:12:51,880
[classical music]
283
00:12:55,160 --> 00:12:57,120
[Jeremy] While we were wondering
if a goat
284
00:12:57,280 --> 00:12:59,440
could jump a fence on a motorcycle,
285
00:12:59,600 --> 00:13:03,160
Kaleb and Charlie
were having a much grander day
286
00:13:03,360 --> 00:13:04,680
in London.
287
00:13:05,520 --> 00:13:07,440
They'd been invited to Downing Street
288
00:13:07,600 --> 00:13:09,480
to talk to the Prime Minister
289
00:13:09,680 --> 00:13:13,520
about his
"Back British Farm to Fork" initiative.
290
00:13:13,680 --> 00:13:17,600
And given the importance of the meeting,
they met in a café
291
00:13:17,800 --> 00:13:19,880
for a pre-match chat.
292
00:13:20,720 --> 00:13:21,800
-[Charlie] So today?
-[Kaleb] Yeah?
293
00:13:22,000 --> 00:13:24,280
-Quite a lot of people going.
-Quite big?
294
00:13:24,480 --> 00:13:27,120
Jeremy told me to say...
He said: "Kaleb, erm,
295
00:13:27,280 --> 00:13:29,120
if you want any talking points,
296
00:13:29,320 --> 00:13:31,600
just tell Ricky that he's probably not
going to be Prime Minister anymore."
297
00:13:31,760 --> 00:13:32,560
Rishi.
298
00:13:32,920 --> 00:13:33,720
Rishi.
299
00:13:33,920 --> 00:13:35,760
The president.
The prime minister, sorry.
300
00:13:36,200 --> 00:13:37,720
[Charlie] Yes,
that'll be a great place to start.
301
00:13:37,920 --> 00:13:39,960
I would definitely go:
"Oi. Hello, Mr President.
302
00:13:40,160 --> 00:13:42,240
-How are you, Ricky?"
-"Come and see me on the weekend".
303
00:13:42,440 --> 00:13:44,560
"You won't be Prime Minister for long."
304
00:13:45,400 --> 00:13:47,360
So what are you gonna talk about?
305
00:13:47,520 --> 00:13:49,960
-What's your focus?
-[Kaleb] I'll do it on young farmers.
306
00:13:50,120 --> 00:13:52,280
-Good.
-Young people getting into farming.
307
00:13:52,480 --> 00:13:54,800
You can't go
and farm your own farm nowadays.
308
00:13:54,960 --> 00:13:59,160
A, they're so expensive.
And B, everything's in a scheme.
309
00:13:59,360 --> 00:14:01,080
-I got a quote for a tractor yesterday.
-Yeah.
310
00:14:01,280 --> 00:14:03,320
After discount, it's £205,000.
311
00:14:03,520 --> 00:14:05,080
I know. It's insane.
312
00:14:05,280 --> 00:14:06,960
-Oh, Christ. We'd better go.
-Hm?
313
00:14:07,120 --> 00:14:08,320
We're gonna be late.
314
00:14:08,960 --> 00:14:12,160
[police sirens]
315
00:14:13,360 --> 00:14:14,640
[Charlie] Trafalgar Square.
316
00:14:14,840 --> 00:14:16,320
-[Kaleb] I drove through here!
-[Charlie] Yeah.
317
00:14:17,080 --> 00:14:19,480
[Kaleb] I didn't put my indicator on
in this junction here.
318
00:14:19,640 --> 00:14:20,880
-Really?
-Yeah.
319
00:14:21,040 --> 00:14:21,960
[Charlie] There's Nelson, look.
320
00:14:22,360 --> 00:14:25,160
-[Kaleb] Who's Nelson?
-He was an admiral.
321
00:14:25,360 --> 00:14:26,920
-[Kaleb] He's up quite high up.
-He won a battle.
322
00:14:27,080 --> 00:14:29,000
-Do you know what he's looking at?
-What?
323
00:14:29,360 --> 00:14:31,760
-[Charlie] You see where those flags are?
-Yeah.
324
00:14:31,920 --> 00:14:33,520
[Charlie] That's Admiralty Arch.
325
00:14:33,720 --> 00:14:34,600
-OK?
-[Kaleb] Right.
326
00:14:34,760 --> 00:14:37,120
[Charlie] He's looking
on the top of the arch.
327
00:14:37,320 --> 00:14:38,720
There are loads of ships.
328
00:14:39,240 --> 00:14:42,840
-And he's looking at that.
-He led the Battle of Trafalgar.
329
00:14:43,440 --> 00:14:46,080
[Kaleb] All that concrete to build a man
that's looking over some...
330
00:14:46,480 --> 00:14:49,120
"I Heart London." Fuck that.
331
00:14:50,440 --> 00:14:51,560
Press the button.
332
00:14:52,320 --> 00:14:53,520
[Charlie] You press the button.
333
00:14:55,640 --> 00:14:58,920
-[Kaleb] Where are we going?
-[Charlie] We're going down Whitehall.
334
00:14:59,080 --> 00:15:00,760
-[Kaleb] What is that?
-[Charlie chuckles]
335
00:15:00,920 --> 00:15:02,560
-[Charlie] It's a...
-[Kaleb] Now what?
336
00:15:02,920 --> 00:15:05,120
[Charlie] It's a very... Just keep going.
337
00:15:06,480 --> 00:15:09,120
So here we are. This is Whitehall,
this is where it all happens.
338
00:15:09,640 --> 00:15:11,000
[Kaleb] What happens?
339
00:15:11,160 --> 00:15:12,680
The management of the country!
340
00:15:13,240 --> 00:15:14,600
There you go. Cabinet offices.
341
00:15:14,760 --> 00:15:16,040
-[Kaleb] What's that?
-You know what the Cabinet is?
342
00:15:16,200 --> 00:15:19,160
-[Kaleb] No.
-They're the more senior ministers.
343
00:15:19,360 --> 00:15:21,000
[Kaleb] And they all work in there,
do they?
344
00:15:21,560 --> 00:15:23,040
[Charlie] I don't know what time it is.
What time is it?
345
00:15:23,920 --> 00:15:25,760
9:11.
346
00:15:25,920 --> 00:15:27,440
[Charlie] Oh, we're a bit early.
347
00:15:27,640 --> 00:15:28,760
We'll hang around.
348
00:15:31,440 --> 00:15:36,600
[Big Ben chiming in the distance]
349
00:15:38,080 --> 00:15:39,160
Morning.
350
00:15:39,960 --> 00:15:40,920
Morning.
351
00:15:42,520 --> 00:15:43,520
Morning.
352
00:15:44,240 --> 00:15:45,680
Are you now just gonna try and get
353
00:15:45,840 --> 00:15:47,280
-people to say "good morning"?
-Yeah.
354
00:15:47,720 --> 00:15:48,680
Morning.
355
00:15:49,920 --> 00:15:53,360
-They'll think you're a fruitcake.
-I'm just saying "morning"!
356
00:15:54,320 --> 00:15:56,320
They... They don't wanna talk.
357
00:15:57,200 --> 00:16:01,120
[Jeremy] Soon it was time for them
to head for that famous black door.
358
00:16:05,160 --> 00:16:07,280
[Kaleb] Ready? We gotta knock?
359
00:16:07,440 --> 00:16:08,440
[Charlie] Yeah.
360
00:16:08,600 --> 00:16:11,200
-Christ, all right.
-[crew] You might need to do it again.
361
00:16:11,360 --> 00:16:12,480
What, knock?
362
00:16:12,640 --> 00:16:15,320
-[doorman] If you want to step in.
-[Charlie] Okay.
363
00:16:15,480 --> 00:16:18,400
-[doorman] Hi, guys. You all right?
-[Kaleb] How're you doing?
364
00:16:18,560 --> 00:16:19,600
[doorman] Just a hint.
365
00:16:19,760 --> 00:16:22,400
If you knock that loud again,
I'll throw you out.
366
00:16:22,560 --> 00:16:23,640
[Kaleb] Say that again?
367
00:16:23,840 --> 00:16:25,920
-[doorman] Don't knock so loud.
-[Charlie] Sorry, we're farmers.
368
00:16:26,080 --> 00:16:27,400
-[doorman] I don't care.
-[Charlie] Okay.
369
00:16:27,560 --> 00:16:29,000
-[doorman] I'm not.
-[Charlie] Okay.
370
00:16:30,560 --> 00:16:32,720
[Kaleb] That told us.
371
00:16:33,640 --> 00:16:36,240
[Jeremy] While Kaleb and Charlie
were being told off
372
00:16:36,400 --> 00:16:38,720
by the Downing Street door police...
373
00:16:38,920 --> 00:16:40,480
[Jeremy] Come on, goats.
Let's get you in.
374
00:16:40,680 --> 00:16:43,360
[Jeremy] Lisa and I
were finally moving the goats
375
00:16:43,560 --> 00:16:45,320
into their new home.
376
00:16:46,600 --> 00:16:49,040
So the idea is...
This is their training garden.
377
00:16:49,240 --> 00:16:51,200
-[Lisa] Yep.
-[Jeremy] And they live in here
378
00:16:51,360 --> 00:16:53,360
until they've really eaten
all the dock leaves and what have you.
379
00:16:53,560 --> 00:16:55,600
-Okay.
-Then you move them down.
380
00:16:55,800 --> 00:16:57,560
And the idea is that their mouths get,
381
00:16:57,760 --> 00:16:58,640
you know, used to...
382
00:16:58,800 --> 00:17:00,120
-[Lisa] Hardened.
-Yes, exactly.
383
00:17:00,320 --> 00:17:01,800
-Oh!
-And they get hard mouths.
384
00:17:02,000 --> 00:17:03,240
But then,
385
00:17:03,400 --> 00:17:06,320
you see the bramble bushes, which is
what I want them to start eating.
386
00:17:06,480 --> 00:17:09,520
-[Lisa] Yes.
-So when they start hitting brambles,
387
00:17:09,640 --> 00:17:13,240
that's going to be interesting for me.
That's what I want them to eat.
388
00:17:13,880 --> 00:17:15,160
[Jeremy] Before all that, though,
389
00:17:15,320 --> 00:17:18,320
we had to go through
the unpleasant but necessary business
390
00:17:18,920 --> 00:17:22,160
of getting them used
to the electric fencing.
391
00:17:23,240 --> 00:17:25,720
-[Jeremy] Out you come.
-[Lisa] They are coming out!
392
00:17:25,880 --> 00:17:28,080
-So the white fence is gentle power.
-[Lisa] Yes.
393
00:17:28,640 --> 00:17:31,640
[Jeremy] And the orange fence
is the national grid.
394
00:17:32,480 --> 00:17:36,320
Oh, look: "I'm plotting...
I've got an escape route here."
395
00:17:36,480 --> 00:17:38,680
"Hey, guys. Follow me."
396
00:17:39,320 --> 00:17:41,560
"I reckon we could be over in a jiffy."
397
00:17:41,760 --> 00:17:43,080
-[buzz]
-[goat bleating]
398
00:17:43,240 --> 00:17:44,800
[Jeremy] Whoa! Was that a zap?
399
00:17:45,320 --> 00:17:47,200
[Lisa] Oh no.
They're eating the gate posts.
400
00:17:47,400 --> 00:17:48,920
[Jeremy laughs]
[Jeremy imitates bleating]
401
00:17:49,080 --> 00:17:51,400
"Okay, I'm not eating
the gate posts anymore!"
402
00:17:51,560 --> 00:17:52,480
[buzz]
403
00:17:52,640 --> 00:17:53,800
[Lisa and Jeremy gasp]
404
00:17:54,000 --> 00:17:55,400
-[buzz]
-[bleating]
405
00:17:56,040 --> 00:17:57,080
Sorry.
406
00:17:57,480 --> 00:17:58,720
-[buzz]
-[bleating]
407
00:17:58,880 --> 00:17:59,800
[Jeremy] Bah!
408
00:18:00,320 --> 00:18:01,440
-[buzz]
-[bleating]
409
00:18:01,560 --> 00:18:02,960
[chuckles]
410
00:18:03,080 --> 00:18:04,320
-[buzz]
-[bleating]
411
00:18:04,480 --> 00:18:06,040
[laughter]
412
00:18:06,240 --> 00:18:07,080
It's not funny.
413
00:18:07,240 --> 00:18:08,880
-No, it's really mild. And look...
-It's not funny.
414
00:18:09,080 --> 00:18:10,760
-[bleating]
-[Lisa] I shouldn't laugh.
415
00:18:10,960 --> 00:18:12,080
[Lisa laughs]
416
00:18:12,320 --> 00:18:15,320
I'm not amused.
I don't like to see animals in pain.
417
00:18:15,480 --> 00:18:17,320
But they do have to learn.
418
00:18:18,960 --> 00:18:20,320
[Jeremy] And quite quickly,
419
00:18:21,000 --> 00:18:22,400
they got the message.
420
00:18:22,560 --> 00:18:24,080
[Jeremy] Well, look at them all now,
in the middle.
421
00:18:24,640 --> 00:18:27,640
-[Lisa] Yeah.
-Their escape plans are in tatters
422
00:18:27,800 --> 00:18:29,040
because of my security.
423
00:18:29,880 --> 00:18:30,720
Eat.
424
00:18:31,680 --> 00:18:34,800
Get your mouths hardened
and then you can go and eat brambles.
425
00:18:35,000 --> 00:18:36,080
[softly bleating]
426
00:18:37,640 --> 00:18:39,280
[Jeremy] Back at Number 10,
427
00:18:39,480 --> 00:18:42,400
Charlie was taking part
in a highbrow think-tank discussion.
428
00:18:43,480 --> 00:18:45,320
But you went through
the list of grants there?
429
00:18:45,520 --> 00:18:46,560
[man] Hmm.
430
00:18:46,720 --> 00:18:49,080
-And you haven't listed them all?
-[man] No.
431
00:18:49,280 --> 00:18:50,960
-And all the schemes?
-[man] No.
432
00:18:51,080 --> 00:18:55,240
You do need a PhD now
in grant applications if you're a farmer.
433
00:18:55,880 --> 00:18:57,640
[Jeremy] Meanwhile, out in the garden,
434
00:18:57,800 --> 00:19:00,920
President Ricky
was in full schmooze mode.
435
00:19:01,080 --> 00:19:03,680
How are you? Rishi, very nice to see you.
436
00:19:03,800 --> 00:19:05,880
So what are you guys...
Is this all from the farm?
437
00:19:06,040 --> 00:19:09,200
Yeah, from the farms.
We've got a Fenland Flag sausage.
438
00:19:09,400 --> 00:19:12,760
And then we've got our traditional
butcher's sausage, our Great Bramblebee.
439
00:19:12,920 --> 00:19:14,320
-Yeah? That's...
-And then some bacon going as well.
440
00:19:14,480 --> 00:19:17,440
Oh, my God! It's been smelling.
We were having Cabinet up there.
441
00:19:17,560 --> 00:19:19,440
Literally, that's the Cabinet room there.
442
00:19:19,560 --> 00:19:22,480
And everyone was just distracted
and smelling your stuff coming through.
443
00:19:22,640 --> 00:19:23,440
It's great!
444
00:19:24,000 --> 00:19:25,800
-[Kaleb chuckles]
-Look at this.
445
00:19:26,000 --> 00:19:28,880
[Jeremy] Then,
in the actual Cabinet office...
446
00:19:29,080 --> 00:19:29,880
How are you?
447
00:19:30,040 --> 00:19:32,400
[Jeremy] Kaleb got to meet
the Prime Minister.
448
00:19:32,560 --> 00:19:34,320
Thanks for coming. Kaleb! How are you?
449
00:19:35,520 --> 00:19:37,000
[Jeremy] This was his big moment
450
00:19:37,160 --> 00:19:40,560
to talk about
attracting youngsters into farming.
451
00:19:41,480 --> 00:19:43,080
-Are you okay?
-I'm very well, thanks.
452
00:19:43,320 --> 00:19:45,320
-You've got lovely hair.
-Er, me?
453
00:19:45,520 --> 00:19:47,320
[laughing]
454
00:19:47,480 --> 00:19:49,160
-Had you heard otherwise?
-No, no, no.
455
00:19:49,320 --> 00:19:50,480
-It was just a general comment.
-I just like hair.
456
00:19:51,000 --> 00:19:53,320
[Jeremy] When the conversation
moved outside,
457
00:19:53,520 --> 00:19:56,240
Kaleb finally did talk
about young farmers.
458
00:19:56,640 --> 00:19:57,640
[Kaleb] The thing is in my head...
459
00:19:57,800 --> 00:20:01,200
[Jeremy] But he made a bit of a meal
about getting to the point.
460
00:20:01,320 --> 00:20:03,920
You know, farming's not a job.
It's a way of life.
461
00:20:04,080 --> 00:20:06,800
That is it. There's no other
option there. It's a way of life.
462
00:20:07,000 --> 00:20:09,200
You don't get up and go:
"I've gotta go to work today."
463
00:20:09,320 --> 00:20:11,320
I never ever wake up and go:
464
00:20:11,520 --> 00:20:13,800
"I've really gotta work,
I've got an 8 to 5 job.
465
00:20:13,960 --> 00:20:15,080
I can't wait to finish."
466
00:20:15,240 --> 00:20:18,440
Halfway through the day, you go:
"Oh, I wanna go home."
467
00:20:18,640 --> 00:20:20,960
I never do that. I wake up and go:
"Right, what am I doing today?"
468
00:20:21,160 --> 00:20:24,080
Yesterday... The day before, sorry.
I was out there milking cows...
469
00:20:24,280 --> 00:20:26,160
Then I went out there
and started mowing for silage.
470
00:20:26,320 --> 00:20:29,080
And then I was spraying.
No day is the same.
471
00:20:29,280 --> 00:20:31,280
-Everyone should have a dream.
-That's true.
472
00:20:31,440 --> 00:20:33,040
A dream is somewhere to go
and to get to.
473
00:20:33,200 --> 00:20:36,000
As soon as you accomplish that dream,
if you do it in 2, 3 or 5 years,
474
00:20:36,160 --> 00:20:37,760
you've done it, set another dream.
475
00:20:37,920 --> 00:20:40,480
And the thing I say all the time is
dreams don't work unless you do...
476
00:20:40,640 --> 00:20:41,480
[Kaleb's voice fades out]
477
00:20:43,280 --> 00:20:47,560
[Jeremy] While Kaleb was bringing
the country to a grinding halt,
478
00:20:47,760 --> 00:20:50,080
Lisa and I had gone up
to the mushroom bunker
479
00:20:50,320 --> 00:20:52,880
to see if any more had fruited.
480
00:20:54,240 --> 00:20:55,760
[Jeremy] Oh shit.
481
00:20:56,560 --> 00:20:59,000
-Oh, my God.
-[Lisa] Have they not grown?
482
00:21:01,560 --> 00:21:04,200
-[Jeremy] Oh, my God.
-[Lisa] What's wrong?
483
00:21:04,920 --> 00:21:05,880
[Lisa groans]
484
00:21:06,680 --> 00:21:07,720
What the...?
485
00:21:08,480 --> 00:21:11,480
[Jeremy] Look!
How many have we got? Thousands!
486
00:21:11,640 --> 00:21:13,200
[Lisa] Oh, my God. So those are those.
487
00:21:13,800 --> 00:21:15,320
[Jeremy] It's incredible.
488
00:21:15,720 --> 00:21:18,520
[Lisa] Oh, my God.
489
00:21:19,800 --> 00:21:21,080
-[Lisa] Wow.
-[Jeremy] Jesus.
490
00:21:21,280 --> 00:21:22,560
[Lisa] These are ready.
491
00:21:22,760 --> 00:21:24,160
[Jeremy] They're very ready.
492
00:21:25,320 --> 00:21:26,400
Right.
493
00:21:27,560 --> 00:21:31,440
-24 hours ago, that didn't exist.
-[Lisa] I know.
494
00:21:31,560 --> 00:21:34,520
[Jeremy] Where does the matter come from
that's made it?
495
00:21:34,960 --> 00:21:36,240
In 24 hours?
496
00:21:36,400 --> 00:21:37,520
[Lisa] Look at it.
497
00:21:38,080 --> 00:21:40,200
[Jeremy] You need
to get selling mushrooms.
498
00:21:42,800 --> 00:21:46,080
[Jeremy] What's more,
the extraordinary lion's mane mushrooms
499
00:21:46,240 --> 00:21:48,080
had started to appear.
500
00:21:49,240 --> 00:21:50,520
-[Lisa] Oh wow!
-It's like a sponge
501
00:21:50,680 --> 00:21:52,720
that's mated with a cauliflower.
502
00:21:52,920 --> 00:21:54,400
And that's a mushroom.
503
00:21:55,320 --> 00:21:59,240
The man said that he reckons
that they're space penises.
504
00:21:59,400 --> 00:22:02,600
That does look like it's from space.
That really does.
505
00:22:04,520 --> 00:22:06,480
[soft country music]
506
00:22:07,200 --> 00:22:10,200
[Jeremy] There was no way
we could fit even a tenth of this lot
507
00:22:10,400 --> 00:22:12,200
into the farm shop.
508
00:22:12,840 --> 00:22:16,040
So I had to abandon my plans for the day
509
00:22:16,240 --> 00:22:19,840
and man a hastily erected mushroom stall.
510
00:22:21,120 --> 00:22:24,120
Can I interest you
in the new Diddly Squat range?
511
00:22:24,280 --> 00:22:27,360
Grey oyster mushrooms. These are not
like you get at the supermarket.
512
00:22:27,520 --> 00:22:30,480
Or lion's mane mushrooms.
513
00:22:31,200 --> 00:22:33,800
-[customer] May I have some of both?
-Yes, of course.
514
00:22:34,320 --> 00:22:38,360
[Jeremy] That's 427 grams.
515
00:22:39,120 --> 00:22:42,080
-That would be £12,81.
-[customer] Okay.
516
00:22:42,240 --> 00:22:43,040
Ooh!
517
00:22:43,240 --> 00:22:45,280
[customer] Just out of curiosity...
518
00:22:46,040 --> 00:22:48,400
Are you selling Space Penises?
519
00:22:50,800 --> 00:22:53,320
[upbeat music]
520
00:22:59,280 --> 00:23:02,760
[Jeremy] Up in Piggy Wood,
it had now been 11 weeks
521
00:23:02,960 --> 00:23:04,920
since Ajax the boar had done...
522
00:23:05,080 --> 00:23:07,600
boar things with the sows.
523
00:23:07,760 --> 00:23:09,520
[Jeremy] These are the four in question,
524
00:23:09,680 --> 00:23:11,200
-hopefully pregnant.
-Yeah, yeah.
525
00:23:12,680 --> 00:23:16,560
[Jeremy] So a local pig expert
had come round to scan them.
526
00:23:18,000 --> 00:23:19,480
And the news was good.
527
00:23:20,160 --> 00:23:21,320
They're all pregnant.
528
00:23:21,520 --> 00:23:23,360
-They're all pregnant?
-All up the duff?
529
00:23:23,520 --> 00:23:26,440
So we don't have to sell them.
If they hadn't have been up the duff,
530
00:23:26,600 --> 00:23:30,040
they're just eating food for no reason
and they'd have to be bacon.
531
00:23:30,240 --> 00:23:31,800
-Gerald!
-[Gerald] Hello, Jeremy.
532
00:23:31,960 --> 00:23:33,560
Hello, Gerald! Hello, hello!
Ooh, sorry.
533
00:23:33,720 --> 00:23:35,160
[Gerald laughs]
534
00:23:36,280 --> 00:23:37,680
-[Gerald] You all right?
-Yeah.
535
00:23:38,560 --> 00:23:39,440
Lovely piggies.
536
00:23:39,600 --> 00:23:40,680
-Aren't they great?
-Yeah.
537
00:23:40,840 --> 00:23:42,440
You ever kept pigs?
538
00:23:42,640 --> 00:23:44,120
[Gerald speaking indistinctly]
539
00:23:44,280 --> 00:23:46,440
-No, this is the mothers.
-Yeah.
540
00:23:46,640 --> 00:23:50,120
I've heard stories about sows and boars.
They can be nasty, can't they?
541
00:23:50,320 --> 00:23:51,640
[Jeremy] What can?
542
00:23:52,080 --> 00:23:56,120
Sows and... When they got below
the right stuff with the combine
543
00:23:56,280 --> 00:23:59,840
then you...
When they got things coming out the side.
544
00:24:00,040 --> 00:24:02,320
[Gerald speaking indistinctly]
[laughs]
545
00:24:03,040 --> 00:24:04,840
-[Lisa] Gerald?
-Yes, my love.
546
00:24:05,000 --> 00:24:08,800
When you planted all these trees,
was it 60 years ago or so?
547
00:24:09,000 --> 00:24:10,080
-You planted these trees?
-Yeah.
548
00:24:10,240 --> 00:24:11,280
-60 years ago.
-No way!
549
00:24:11,440 --> 00:24:12,240
[Gerald] Yeah.
550
00:24:12,440 --> 00:24:15,880
This was all...
[Gerald speaking indistinctly]
551
00:24:16,040 --> 00:24:17,800
All the way up there.
552
00:24:18,000 --> 00:24:22,400
They grazed right to the...
These were all... And all that.
553
00:24:22,560 --> 00:24:25,080
So these trees are younger than you?
554
00:24:25,240 --> 00:24:26,040
Yeah.
555
00:24:26,200 --> 00:24:28,920
-[laughing]
-This is Gerald's wood.
556
00:24:29,120 --> 00:24:31,280
You used to get the old shovel like that.
557
00:24:31,440 --> 00:24:33,040
-Wow, Gerald.
-And then,
558
00:24:33,240 --> 00:24:34,920
drop the thing and then heel 'em in.
559
00:24:35,120 --> 00:24:38,480
I went round with the...
[speaks indistinctly]
560
00:24:38,640 --> 00:24:41,880
Bend it with a pole
with all the fluid in there.
561
00:24:42,040 --> 00:24:44,040
As the years went on, like,
562
00:24:44,240 --> 00:24:47,480
there was all those Wellingtonias,
all that.
563
00:24:47,680 --> 00:24:49,560
They were original wood, they were.
564
00:24:49,760 --> 00:24:51,920
-[Gerald speaking indistinctly]
-All right.
565
00:24:52,120 --> 00:24:53,200
At least once a fortnight,
566
00:24:53,360 --> 00:24:56,680
got the...
[Gerald speaking indistinctly]
567
00:24:57,200 --> 00:24:58,080
Stinging nettles.
568
00:24:58,240 --> 00:25:00,120
Similar to that, it was.
569
00:25:00,600 --> 00:25:01,880
[chuckles]
570
00:25:02,080 --> 00:25:04,840
That's when bosses were bosses
and you didn't say no to 'em.
571
00:25:05,000 --> 00:25:06,320
-Yeah.
-[laughing]
572
00:25:09,200 --> 00:25:13,680
I'm really chuffed.
I did not know that you'd done this.
573
00:25:13,840 --> 00:25:15,320
That's brilliant.
574
00:25:15,840 --> 00:25:18,360
So it shall become known...
We shall rename it Gerald's Wood.
575
00:25:18,520 --> 00:25:19,520
[Gerald chuckles]
576
00:25:19,720 --> 00:25:24,200
[Gerald] We used to fill it up right
in a little... [voice fades out]
577
00:25:25,320 --> 00:25:27,440
[Jeremy] We were now well into June,
578
00:25:27,600 --> 00:25:32,240
and life on the farm
was a smorgasbord of busyness.
579
00:25:32,440 --> 00:25:34,360
[upbeat music]
580
00:25:38,800 --> 00:25:40,920
Up in a field called Downs Ground,
581
00:25:41,080 --> 00:25:44,560
I took part
in my first ever grass harvest.
582
00:25:45,480 --> 00:25:49,400
This involved wrapping bales of grass
in plastic sheeting,
583
00:25:49,880 --> 00:25:52,360
which we'd feed to the cows
in the winter.
584
00:25:55,920 --> 00:25:58,240
[Jeremy over radio]
So we're collecting silage, yes?
585
00:25:58,400 --> 00:25:59,200
[Kaleb] Silage,
586
00:25:59,400 --> 00:26:03,200
is grass that has been put
in a bag which is wet
587
00:26:03,400 --> 00:26:06,440
and it's gonna ferment with all the
sugars that naturally come off the grass,
588
00:26:06,640 --> 00:26:09,360
which is good for the cows
with high sugar content.
589
00:26:10,840 --> 00:26:14,600
[Jeremy] Kaleb was still annoyed
that when my pigs had been in this field,
590
00:26:15,920 --> 00:26:18,520
they'd made a bit of a mess of it.
591
00:26:22,000 --> 00:26:24,720
[Jeremy over radio]
Why have we got "Jeremy Keep Out"?
592
00:26:25,440 --> 00:26:27,800
[Kaleb over radio]
'Cause you keep fucking up this field.
593
00:26:28,280 --> 00:26:31,560
[Jeremy] But nevertheless, it looked
like we were getting a good crop.
594
00:26:37,200 --> 00:26:38,920
I quite like being a grass farmer.
595
00:26:39,360 --> 00:26:41,840
It's quite sort of mathematical
and pleasing.
596
00:26:42,040 --> 00:26:43,040
You think: "I've done that right."
597
00:26:43,200 --> 00:26:45,880
It's like you know when you mow your lawn
and you don't have to go over
598
00:26:46,080 --> 00:26:47,720
a bit you've already done?
599
00:26:49,520 --> 00:26:51,120
I wonder if he mows his lawns.
600
00:26:53,120 --> 00:26:54,120
All done.
601
00:26:54,280 --> 00:26:57,200
[Jeremy] As soon
as the grass harvest was finished...
602
00:26:58,040 --> 00:27:00,160
[inspector] So we need to have a look
at the fertiliser spreader.
603
00:27:00,320 --> 00:27:03,000
[Jeremy] It was time
for the annual Red Tractor inspection,
604
00:27:03,760 --> 00:27:07,520
where we have to prove
the farm is clean and well run.
605
00:27:07,880 --> 00:27:09,800
[inspector] Yeah.
That's fine. That's fine.
606
00:27:10,640 --> 00:27:13,400
[Jeremy] And given that Kaleb
was now farm manager...
607
00:27:13,600 --> 00:27:15,680
[Kaleb] One, six, six, eight, zero.
608
00:27:16,120 --> 00:27:17,000
[inspector] Eight, zero.
609
00:27:17,200 --> 00:27:20,520
[Jeremy] Things this time round
were very unstressful.
610
00:27:21,120 --> 00:27:23,440
[inspector] The NSF record book.
That's great.
611
00:27:24,320 --> 00:27:25,520
It's all here.
612
00:27:25,720 --> 00:27:28,360
[inspector] You've got your First Aid box
up here, which is great.
613
00:27:28,560 --> 00:27:29,400
Correct signage.
614
00:27:29,600 --> 00:27:30,840
-[Kaleb] Yeah.
-[inspector] Lovely.
615
00:27:31,040 --> 00:27:32,240
-[Kaleb] Sand bucket there.
-[inspector] That's great.
616
00:27:32,400 --> 00:27:33,640
-How are you doing?
-Morning.
617
00:27:33,800 --> 00:27:35,520
[Kaleb] You and mushrooms!
618
00:27:35,720 --> 00:27:37,840
Everywhere,
he just appears with mushrooms!
619
00:27:38,400 --> 00:27:40,120
[Jeremy] I just live underground now.
620
00:27:41,680 --> 00:27:44,480
[Jeremy] Yep,
no matter how busy Kaleb was...
621
00:27:47,120 --> 00:27:49,760
The mushrooms were keeping me busier.
622
00:27:50,400 --> 00:27:52,280
[upbeat music]
623
00:27:57,560 --> 00:27:58,920
[music stops]
624
00:28:05,800 --> 00:28:09,600
So this is the Forth Road Bridge
I've created
625
00:28:09,760 --> 00:28:14,160
because all day
I've been selling mushrooms, constantly,
626
00:28:14,320 --> 00:28:16,160
and we still have this many,
627
00:28:16,320 --> 00:28:19,240
and tomorrow morning,
there'll be this many again,
628
00:28:19,400 --> 00:28:21,920
and the next day, and the next day.
629
00:28:23,640 --> 00:28:26,240
[Jeremy] In fact, I had so many mushrooms
630
00:28:26,640 --> 00:28:30,160
that besides selling them
in the shop and the burger van...
631
00:28:30,960 --> 00:28:33,160
I was now hawking them round local pubs,
632
00:28:34,320 --> 00:28:36,960
and even rival farm shops.
633
00:28:38,080 --> 00:28:39,680
[Jeremy] I had some last night.
634
00:28:39,880 --> 00:28:41,840
-I cannot tell you how good they are.
-[shop clerk] Yeah.
635
00:28:42,040 --> 00:28:44,400
I mean, I cooked some last night.
They're amazing.
636
00:28:44,600 --> 00:28:47,320
Jesus. I had these last night.
They're fantastic.
637
00:28:47,720 --> 00:28:50,560
[Jeremy] Even though
my incredibly varied sales patter
638
00:28:50,760 --> 00:28:53,200
was shifting some decent quantities...
639
00:28:53,400 --> 00:28:54,560
[shop clerk] Five. We'll have 5 kilos.
640
00:28:54,760 --> 00:28:55,920
[Jeremy] 1.2.
641
00:28:56,120 --> 00:28:57,360
[shop clerk] 6.1 kilos.
642
00:28:57,560 --> 00:29:00,200
[Jeremy] I was still
barely scratching the surface.
643
00:29:02,240 --> 00:29:04,000
[Jeremy] For fuck's sake...
644
00:29:04,680 --> 00:29:06,960
[soft music]
645
00:29:10,280 --> 00:29:14,040
[Jeremy] However, there was still time
amongst all the madness
646
00:29:14,200 --> 00:29:16,960
to pause for the occasional treat.
647
00:29:17,960 --> 00:29:19,840
[Jeremy] I've got a big surprise for you.
648
00:29:20,240 --> 00:29:22,480
[Lisa sighs] Is it a proposal?
649
00:29:22,640 --> 00:29:24,440
[Jeremy chuckles]
650
00:29:26,680 --> 00:29:30,120
Every time you say you've got a surprise,
I'm like: he's gonna propose!
651
00:29:30,280 --> 00:29:32,200
-[Jeremy chuckles]
-Every time!
652
00:29:34,880 --> 00:29:36,440
[Jeremy] Remember the tree fell down?
653
00:29:37,200 --> 00:29:39,360
-The big beautiful one?
-[Jeremy] We put it back up again.
654
00:29:39,520 --> 00:29:40,400
Come and have a look.
655
00:29:43,880 --> 00:29:45,440
[Jeremy] Look at that.
656
00:29:46,320 --> 00:29:47,880
That's the tree we put back up.
657
00:29:48,040 --> 00:29:50,560
[Lisa gasps] Wow.
658
00:29:50,720 --> 00:29:53,600
-[Jeremy] I'm so happy.
-[Lisa] Yeah!
659
00:29:53,800 --> 00:29:55,960
'Cause it had been down for 6 months.
660
00:29:56,800 --> 00:29:58,160
And it's alive!
661
00:29:59,200 --> 00:30:00,160
[Lisa] But do you know what's weird?
662
00:30:00,320 --> 00:30:03,360
Is that the little branches are growing
from absolutely everywhere.
663
00:30:03,520 --> 00:30:04,880
[Jeremy] I know. It's incredible.
664
00:30:05,040 --> 00:30:07,160
That is what's called
"bursting" back into life, isn't it?
665
00:30:07,320 --> 00:30:08,240
[Lisa] It sure is. Yeah.
666
00:30:09,520 --> 00:30:10,760
Well done. That's really nice.
667
00:30:10,920 --> 00:30:11,920
-I'm really happy with that.
-Yeah.
668
00:30:12,080 --> 00:30:14,960
I'll think about the proposal, okay?
I'm not ready yet.
669
00:30:17,520 --> 00:30:20,480
[Jeremy] However,
Mother Nature's ability to mend itself
670
00:30:20,640 --> 00:30:23,480
isn't always a source of joy.
671
00:30:24,840 --> 00:30:27,960
Sometimes, it can be downright annoying.
672
00:30:28,600 --> 00:30:30,960
A point brought into sharp focus...
673
00:30:31,120 --> 00:30:32,520
[Kaleb] Oh, Christ Almighty.
674
00:30:32,680 --> 00:30:36,640
[Jeremy] ...when Kaleb and I
decided to resume work on the dam.
675
00:30:38,040 --> 00:30:38,960
[Jeremy] I mean, is this...
676
00:30:39,120 --> 00:30:41,080
[Kaleb] We just can't get to it anymore.
677
00:30:42,120 --> 00:30:44,640
We're gonna have to come
with a chainsaw and cut all this back.
678
00:30:44,800 --> 00:30:47,360
[Jeremy] When were we last here?
679
00:30:47,560 --> 00:30:50,720
-[Kaleb laughs]
-[Jeremy] It wasn't that long ago.
680
00:30:50,920 --> 00:30:53,800
And now a jungle has happened.
681
00:30:54,000 --> 00:30:55,680
[loud metallic clang]
682
00:30:56,600 --> 00:31:00,400
[Jeremy] Happily, though, this meant
I had an excuse to fire up WALL-E...
683
00:31:00,600 --> 00:31:02,080
[motor whirring]
684
00:31:02,240 --> 00:31:06,360
My most favourite machine in the world.
685
00:31:06,560 --> 00:31:07,680
[motor roaring]
686
00:31:07,840 --> 00:31:10,160
[Jeremy] Oh! I'm back.
687
00:31:10,800 --> 00:31:13,160
The emotional support unit.
688
00:31:17,120 --> 00:31:18,640
The machine of destruction.
689
00:31:19,320 --> 00:31:20,280
Look at it.
690
00:31:20,960 --> 00:31:22,080
Mincing.
691
00:31:25,520 --> 00:31:26,960
Atomising.
692
00:31:28,200 --> 00:31:29,880
[motor stopping]
693
00:31:32,200 --> 00:31:34,320
-What is...?
-What? Chainsaw trousers.
694
00:31:34,480 --> 00:31:36,200
-Are those just the front?
-Yeah.
695
00:31:36,360 --> 00:31:38,520
So if you're through like this
and you hit yourself,
696
00:31:38,680 --> 00:31:41,120
they hit this and it tangles it up
and stalls the engine.
697
00:31:42,120 --> 00:31:43,400
[Jeremy] It is "Brokeback".
698
00:31:44,440 --> 00:31:45,400
[Kaleb] What's that?
699
00:31:46,160 --> 00:31:48,440
[Jeremy] Yes! Good dogs. Good dogs.
700
00:31:48,640 --> 00:31:50,360
Sit, sit.
701
00:31:50,880 --> 00:31:52,960
Sit, sit.
702
00:31:53,640 --> 00:31:54,880
Sit!
703
00:31:56,400 --> 00:31:58,160
Sit, sit.
704
00:31:59,280 --> 00:32:02,280
No, it's gone.
And that one's gone as well now.
705
00:32:02,840 --> 00:32:04,280
[chainsaw whirring]
706
00:32:06,560 --> 00:32:08,840
[Jeremy] Having cleared
a new path to the dam site,
707
00:32:09,400 --> 00:32:12,960
we got into
a construction-worker state of mind
708
00:32:13,160 --> 00:32:15,400
and moved onto the next job.
709
00:32:16,360 --> 00:32:17,160
[Kaleb] Lunch!
710
00:32:24,880 --> 00:32:26,520
That looks better now, doesn't it?
711
00:32:28,480 --> 00:32:30,240
[Jeremy] I've had a thought.
712
00:32:30,440 --> 00:32:32,960
Why are we using that tube
713
00:32:33,120 --> 00:32:35,480
when we could use these sleepers instead?
714
00:32:36,840 --> 00:32:39,160
[Kaleb] I see. Just put
the sleepers across and then put the...
715
00:32:39,360 --> 00:32:41,920
[Jeremy] If we put the sleepers
across there... Do you see what I mean?
716
00:32:42,080 --> 00:32:44,840
-[Kaleb] Yeah, yeah, yeah.
-[Jeremy] We dig out a hole.
717
00:32:45,000 --> 00:32:47,040
Put some posts in, like this is...
Exactly like behind of this.
718
00:32:47,200 --> 00:32:48,000
Exactly.
719
00:32:48,160 --> 00:32:51,440
Put some posts in. You slot one in,
then another, then another.
720
00:32:51,600 --> 00:32:55,640
Then all you have to do,
with the clay, is back up the sleepers.
721
00:32:56,160 --> 00:32:57,200
And then...
722
00:32:58,520 --> 00:33:03,000
The water simply comes
over the top of the sleepers.
723
00:33:05,560 --> 00:33:06,600
Why didn't we do that before?
724
00:33:06,760 --> 00:33:10,000
I've just got it in my head.
We don't need a pipe, do we?
725
00:33:10,200 --> 00:33:13,200
We'll take the pipe out the way then,
use it somewhere else.
726
00:33:14,160 --> 00:33:16,880
-Take it back to the farm.
-We'll drive that back to the farm.
727
00:33:17,640 --> 00:33:20,440
[upbeat music]
728
00:33:23,360 --> 00:33:24,480
[Kaleb] Unhook it.
729
00:33:25,520 --> 00:33:28,160
-You know what I've just worked out?
-[Kaleb] What's that?
730
00:33:28,800 --> 00:33:34,120
[Jeremy] We are now exactly
back to where we began in January.
731
00:33:34,840 --> 00:33:36,400
Pipe at the top of the field.
732
00:33:37,320 --> 00:33:39,040
Nothing done down there.
733
00:33:39,960 --> 00:33:42,160
[Kaleb] We're never gonna finish
this fucking dam.
734
00:33:43,000 --> 00:33:45,000
[upbeat music]
735
00:33:45,160 --> 00:33:49,040
[Jeremy] However,
now we had the sleeper plan in place,
736
00:33:49,240 --> 00:33:52,280
I was much more optimistic that we would.
737
00:33:52,480 --> 00:33:54,800
[Kaleb] Pull it through.
Is that proud enough?
738
00:33:56,000 --> 00:33:58,040
[Jeremy] For the first time ever,
I want to leave
739
00:33:58,760 --> 00:34:01,080
further ahead
than we were when we got here.
740
00:34:03,480 --> 00:34:04,760
[Jeremy] Having prepped the site
741
00:34:04,920 --> 00:34:07,960
and rammed some supporting posts
into the mud,
742
00:34:08,800 --> 00:34:11,440
it was time to place the sleepers.
743
00:34:12,560 --> 00:34:13,760
-Ready?
-Go.
744
00:34:14,880 --> 00:34:16,120
Right. Digger man.
745
00:34:17,560 --> 00:34:20,920
[Kaleb] Butt-crack alert!
Butt-crack alert!
746
00:34:21,120 --> 00:34:23,440
-Warning, warning.
-[Jeremy laughs]
747
00:34:26,800 --> 00:34:28,280
-[Kaleb] Down.
-[Jeremy] More revs.
748
00:34:28,920 --> 00:34:30,360
[Jeremy] Using the digger scoop,
749
00:34:30,800 --> 00:34:35,000
I then pushed
the foundation sleeper firmly into place.
750
00:34:36,480 --> 00:34:37,560
However...
751
00:34:39,200 --> 00:34:40,160
[Kaleb] It floats!
752
00:34:41,000 --> 00:34:42,400
[Jeremy] We hadn't thought of that,
had we?
753
00:34:43,600 --> 00:34:44,960
[Kaleb] I'll stand on it forever.
754
00:34:49,640 --> 00:34:51,160
Did you not bring any nails then at all?
755
00:34:51,320 --> 00:34:52,920
It's not... You'll never...
756
00:34:53,360 --> 00:34:56,280
If you put a nail in
over the top of the sleeper,
757
00:34:56,440 --> 00:34:58,600
you're creating a bigger crack,
the water will get through.
758
00:34:58,760 --> 00:35:01,160
[Kaleb] I just wanna put a nail there
so I can get off it and then pack it.
759
00:35:01,320 --> 00:35:05,000
But when the next goes on top,
there'll be a gap between them.
760
00:35:05,560 --> 00:35:08,160
We need some clamps.
761
00:35:08,840 --> 00:35:11,840
-Something like clamps?
-Or we can just get a big screw.
762
00:35:12,640 --> 00:35:15,760
-To go through a sodden railway sleeper?
-Yes.
763
00:35:16,640 --> 00:35:18,360
We've gotta go to StowAg.
764
00:35:19,400 --> 00:35:21,160
I'm not suggesting
we put another sleeper on
765
00:35:21,320 --> 00:35:25,400
until that one
is securely fastened in place.
766
00:35:26,120 --> 00:35:26,960
Look.
767
00:35:27,760 --> 00:35:30,160
Why isn't that in a book somewhere
that wood floats?
768
00:35:31,160 --> 00:35:33,760
-[Jeremy] Could you rest that on top?
-Can you stand on it then?
769
00:35:33,960 --> 00:35:35,440
[Kaleb groans]
770
00:35:36,120 --> 00:35:37,800
-[Kaleb] You got it?
-[Jeremy] There you go.
771
00:35:37,960 --> 00:35:39,160
[Kaleb] There we go.
772
00:35:40,640 --> 00:35:41,560
[Jeremy] Right.
773
00:35:42,400 --> 00:35:45,840
Another afternoon's work.
774
00:35:46,040 --> 00:35:47,680
And what we've done is...
775
00:35:48,600 --> 00:35:51,440
Nothing of any great worth.
776
00:35:53,120 --> 00:35:55,600
I'm not going to be defeated
by this dam though.
777
00:35:55,760 --> 00:35:56,920
I'm just not.
778
00:35:58,200 --> 00:36:02,600
[Jeremy] It would, however, be a while
before I could get back to the dam
779
00:36:02,760 --> 00:36:06,680
because, predictably,
there were more mushrooms to shift.
780
00:36:07,760 --> 00:36:09,800
[Jeremy sighs] Shit!
781
00:36:12,960 --> 00:36:15,960
However, Lisa had had a brainwave.
782
00:36:16,120 --> 00:36:19,360
She reckoned that if we dried
the lion's mane mushrooms
783
00:36:19,560 --> 00:36:21,680
in the Diddly Squat dehydration unit
784
00:36:22,320 --> 00:36:26,160
and sold them as a powder,
she'd make more money than I was
785
00:36:26,760 --> 00:36:28,680
selling them as actual mushrooms.
786
00:36:30,480 --> 00:36:33,320
-You can sell a hundred grams for £3.
-Yeah.
787
00:36:33,480 --> 00:36:35,600
-And they last five days?
-[Jeremy] Mm-hmm.
788
00:36:35,760 --> 00:36:38,320
I can sell a hundred grams
789
00:36:39,560 --> 00:36:41,760
for £30, and it lasts for a year.
790
00:36:41,920 --> 00:36:46,160
So lion's mane... I went
into Chippy, to the health-food shop,
791
00:36:46,360 --> 00:36:48,480
I asked them
how much they sell their lion's mane for.
792
00:36:48,640 --> 00:36:52,480
And they say they get it in once a week
and it's sold out on the day it arrives.
793
00:36:52,640 --> 00:36:54,400
Well, it says here:
794
00:36:54,600 --> 00:36:56,360
"Lion's mane mushroom powder,
795
00:36:56,520 --> 00:37:00,360
-30 servings, for £40!"
-[Lisa] Yes.
796
00:37:00,840 --> 00:37:03,200
-£40!
-[Lisa] Yes.
797
00:37:03,440 --> 00:37:07,640
I put it in my coffee, and it's like
having spearmint through your head.
798
00:37:07,840 --> 00:37:11,640
Your whole mind just opens up.
You're really clear-thinking.
799
00:37:11,840 --> 00:37:15,320
The mornings I don't take it,
I notice the difference. It's amazing.
800
00:37:15,520 --> 00:37:17,200
Hold on. It says here that it's good
801
00:37:17,400 --> 00:37:21,280
-for your focus, memory and digestion.
-Yeah.
802
00:37:21,480 --> 00:37:24,560
Right.
This is the nutrition values on it, yeah?
803
00:37:24,680 --> 00:37:25,520
Yeah.
804
00:37:25,640 --> 00:37:27,960
-Total fat: nought.
-[Lisa] Excellent.
805
00:37:28,160 --> 00:37:29,520
-Sodium: nought.
-Excellent.
806
00:37:29,640 --> 00:37:31,280
Total carbohydrate: nought.
807
00:37:31,440 --> 00:37:34,840
Total sugars: nought.
Added sugars: nought.
808
00:37:35,000 --> 00:37:38,200
Protein: nought. There's nothing in it.
809
00:37:38,400 --> 00:37:39,400
Excellent.
810
00:37:39,600 --> 00:37:43,960
How can it help your memory, focus
and digestion when it contains nothing?
811
00:37:44,120 --> 00:37:45,320
[Lisa] The magic of mushrooms.
812
00:37:45,480 --> 00:37:49,480
Yes, I know. But if you add butter,
there's a point to it.
813
00:37:49,640 --> 00:37:51,200
How can people... Why?
814
00:37:51,440 --> 00:37:53,400
Are you complaining
or are you growing mushrooms?
815
00:37:53,560 --> 00:37:57,280
[Jeremy] I'm going to struggle to say:
"Would you like to buy
816
00:37:57,480 --> 00:38:00,320
this mushroom powder?"
"What's in it?" "Nothing."
817
00:38:00,520 --> 00:38:03,040
-Whatever.
-[Jeremy] Honestly, Lisa.
818
00:38:03,480 --> 00:38:05,640
Do your friends eat this shit?
819
00:38:06,480 --> 00:38:09,880
Anyone who's everyone takes lion's mane.
820
00:38:10,040 --> 00:38:11,880
I don't understand this at all.
821
00:38:12,080 --> 00:38:13,040
[Charlie] Hello.
822
00:38:13,160 --> 00:38:14,560
Hello, cheerful!
823
00:38:14,760 --> 00:38:17,120
Welcome to a world
where Lisa is planning on selling
824
00:38:17,320 --> 00:38:20,520
50 grams for £40.
825
00:38:20,640 --> 00:38:21,480
Wow.
826
00:38:21,640 --> 00:38:24,640
-What are you doing?
-[Lisa] This is my little dehydrator.
827
00:38:24,880 --> 00:38:28,560
-[Charlie] Yeah?
-So this here was a full tray
828
00:38:28,680 --> 00:38:32,280
and it goes down next to nothing.
Then I'll just blend it up,
829
00:38:32,440 --> 00:38:36,680
stick it in little bags,
put a "best within 12 months"...
830
00:38:36,920 --> 00:38:39,200
You're gonna sell powder in baggies
from a Range Rover?
831
00:38:39,440 --> 00:38:40,680
So you... Okay.
832
00:38:40,920 --> 00:38:43,480
How do you know it lasts a year?
833
00:38:43,640 --> 00:38:47,160
Because once it's dried and powdered,
it has twelve months.
834
00:38:47,360 --> 00:38:49,880
'Cause the stuff I buy is dried
and powdered and that's 12 months.
835
00:38:50,040 --> 00:38:53,200
So how do you think that they know?
They've tested it.
836
00:38:53,440 --> 00:38:55,840
-They've done their testing, yeah.
-They've done their testing.
837
00:38:56,040 --> 00:38:58,560
[Lisa] And ours is even better
because it comes from down the road.
838
00:38:58,760 --> 00:38:59,760
No, no. They've done their testing.
839
00:38:59,960 --> 00:39:02,600
-Uh-huh.
-So they've validated...
840
00:39:02,800 --> 00:39:04,920
-[Lisa] Yeah. Yeah.
-And verified the fact that...
841
00:39:05,080 --> 00:39:06,840
Because dehydrating,
you're taking all the moisture out.
842
00:39:07,000 --> 00:39:07,960
[Lisa] Yes.
843
00:39:08,120 --> 00:39:09,600
-You remove the water content...
-Yes.
844
00:39:09,760 --> 00:39:12,080
-So it doesn't grow...
-It doesn't grow mould...
845
00:39:12,200 --> 00:39:13,280
-Bacteria.
-Exactly.
846
00:39:13,440 --> 00:39:17,840
So you've done your Hazard Analysis
and Critical Control Point checks?
847
00:39:18,000 --> 00:39:20,360
HACCP. It's basic food standards.
848
00:39:20,520 --> 00:39:22,160
But no. No, no. This is from...
849
00:39:22,400 --> 00:39:24,960
This is from farm to farm,
so you don't have to do that.
850
00:39:25,120 --> 00:39:26,400
-Because... No, no, no.
-[Charlie laughs]
851
00:39:26,560 --> 00:39:28,120
That's if you're selling
to the wider market.
852
00:39:28,320 --> 00:39:31,080
-[Charlie laughs]
-Charlie, I am allowed
853
00:39:31,280 --> 00:39:33,200
to grow tomatoes here
and sell them in the shop.
854
00:39:33,400 --> 00:39:36,640
And you're allowed to do that
within a farm shop thingy.
855
00:39:36,880 --> 00:39:39,280
-No.
-Once it's dried, it's dehydrated.
856
00:39:39,480 --> 00:39:42,680
-There's nothing in it but powder.
-[Charlie] But how do you know it's dry?
857
00:39:43,280 --> 00:39:45,040
Because it'll go into a powder.
858
00:39:45,200 --> 00:39:46,920
But after 3 weeks,
it might be full of mould.
859
00:39:47,080 --> 00:39:49,160
You've sold it to somebody
and then it's mouldy.
860
00:39:49,320 --> 00:39:52,160
So it didn't last a year,
it will have lasted 3 weeks...
861
00:39:52,320 --> 00:39:55,120
Listen. Okay.
So what's your solution, Charlie?
862
00:39:55,320 --> 00:39:58,640
Well, you'll have to test it. And then...
Whoa, whoa. No, test it.
863
00:39:58,840 --> 00:40:01,640
There'll be a laboratory.
We'll find out who tests it.
864
00:40:01,880 --> 00:40:04,080
Or we could just sell them as mushrooms.
865
00:40:04,280 --> 00:40:08,400
No, that's a waste, though.
Lion's mane in your tea in the morning...
866
00:40:08,600 --> 00:40:11,040
-But nobody wants that.
-[Charlie] While we're doing...
867
00:40:11,160 --> 00:40:12,840
How many men do that? None.
868
00:40:13,040 --> 00:40:16,760
Not men that you know because
you were born two millenniums ago.
869
00:40:16,960 --> 00:40:18,760
This millennium people,
they know all about it.
870
00:40:18,920 --> 00:40:20,880
[Charlie] Okay, as a solution...
871
00:40:21,080 --> 00:40:22,480
Why do you need to put a year on it?
872
00:40:22,640 --> 00:40:24,880
-You just put six weeks, two months.
-[Lisa] Okay.
873
00:40:25,040 --> 00:40:27,160
-And that...
-[Lisa] And that covers my arse?
874
00:40:27,400 --> 00:40:28,680
-[Charlie] Yeah.
-Okay.
875
00:40:28,920 --> 00:40:30,560
But you'll have to test it for that long.
876
00:40:30,680 --> 00:40:31,560
[Lisa] Okay.
877
00:40:32,040 --> 00:40:34,000
Right. Okay. Onwards.
I shall go and flog 'em.
878
00:40:34,160 --> 00:40:36,640
I might as well just keep on drying here,
yeah?
879
00:40:36,840 --> 00:40:40,160
Okay.
You need record what you're doing.
880
00:40:40,320 --> 00:40:41,120
[Lisa] Okay.
881
00:40:41,320 --> 00:40:42,960
[Charlie] "I have dried this
for two hours."
882
00:40:43,120 --> 00:40:44,120
I do a video, yeah.
883
00:40:44,320 --> 00:40:46,640
-Good.
-[Lisa] I'm going to take videos.
884
00:40:46,840 --> 00:40:48,600
Okay. So, first of all, video.
885
00:40:49,520 --> 00:40:51,840
First of all, I washed the mushrooms...
No, I didn't.
886
00:40:52,000 --> 00:40:55,320
First of all, I cut them off
at the base, then I washed them in...
887
00:40:55,480 --> 00:40:57,520
There in a fridge, in a...
888
00:40:58,320 --> 00:41:01,320
First of all, I cut the bottom off
and then I washed them.
889
00:41:01,480 --> 00:41:05,800
And the whole kitchen has been,
erm, certified.
890
00:41:05,960 --> 00:41:07,160
[voice fades out]
891
00:41:07,400 --> 00:41:09,840
[soft music]
892
00:41:10,000 --> 00:41:11,920
[Jeremy] As we came to the end of June,
893
00:41:12,120 --> 00:41:14,760
everything on the farm
was looking wonderful.
894
00:41:17,400 --> 00:41:19,640
But, there was a big but,
895
00:41:20,280 --> 00:41:22,640
because Charlie was not a happy man.
896
00:41:24,200 --> 00:41:27,760
Put simply,
the weather had not been playing ball.
897
00:41:29,080 --> 00:41:32,120
March had been the wettest for 40 years.
898
00:41:34,000 --> 00:41:36,160
May had been freezing.
899
00:41:38,080 --> 00:41:41,360
And June had been the hottest on record.
900
00:41:43,160 --> 00:41:45,840
-[Charlie] This looks a mess.
-[Kaleb] But why?
901
00:41:46,200 --> 00:41:49,640
[Jeremy] And already Charlie could see
the effects of all this turbulence
902
00:41:49,800 --> 00:41:54,640
by examining
what remained of Kaleb's oilseed rape.
903
00:41:55,600 --> 00:41:59,160
You know, it hasn't
pollinated brilliantly. It hasn't, erm...
904
00:41:59,320 --> 00:42:00,920
We've got quite a few misses.
905
00:42:01,120 --> 00:42:03,600
That's probably when it was cold
and miserable in April.
906
00:42:03,760 --> 00:42:04,560
[Kaleb] Yeah.
907
00:42:05,040 --> 00:42:07,200
-[Charlie] It hasn't thrived, has it?
-[Kaleb] No.
908
00:42:08,840 --> 00:42:11,640
-So we're half a tonne an acre down.
-Yeah.
909
00:42:12,160 --> 00:42:14,600
Across 25 acres. 12 tonnes.
910
00:42:15,000 --> 00:42:15,800
Yeah.
911
00:42:16,520 --> 00:42:17,600
£5,000.
912
00:42:19,120 --> 00:42:20,320
That's a hit, isn't it?
913
00:42:20,480 --> 00:42:22,400
It'll be a challenge in this crop
914
00:42:22,600 --> 00:42:23,920
-to make a profit.
-Yeah.
915
00:42:26,360 --> 00:42:29,040
[Jeremy] And once
his happiness hoover was switched on,
916
00:42:29,480 --> 00:42:32,560
he was sucking it up from everywhere.
917
00:42:33,360 --> 00:42:36,800
But they're not animals
but they're definitely not plant...
918
00:42:36,960 --> 00:42:38,120
-Oh, here we go.
-[Charlie] Hello.
919
00:42:38,280 --> 00:42:40,480
[Jeremy] This is bound
to be good news, everybody.
920
00:42:41,000 --> 00:42:42,200
Why've you brought me barley?
921
00:42:42,800 --> 00:42:45,040
-So, I've just been for a crop walk.
-Yes.
922
00:42:45,760 --> 00:42:49,640
[Charlie] The spring barley,
you know it went in a bit later.
923
00:42:49,880 --> 00:42:50,680
Yeah.
924
00:42:50,880 --> 00:42:53,400
It's now putting up
all these little shoots here, look.
925
00:42:53,560 --> 00:42:55,880
[Jeremy] Don't tell me
that's bad to have all...
926
00:42:56,080 --> 00:42:58,400
Well, it might stuff your malting barley.
927
00:42:58,960 --> 00:43:01,520
You might not be able
to make beer out of it.
928
00:43:02,480 --> 00:43:05,920
[Charlie] Because you've got
these very early mature ones
929
00:43:06,080 --> 00:43:08,880
and then there's still enough oomph
in the soil
930
00:43:09,040 --> 00:43:11,640
to throw out these little tillers.
931
00:43:11,840 --> 00:43:15,280
And those late maturing ones
will be a problem at harvest.
932
00:43:15,440 --> 00:43:19,520
'Cause we're gonna have
some immature fat grains
933
00:43:19,680 --> 00:43:20,680
-in with the mature grains.
-What...
934
00:43:20,920 --> 00:43:23,080
You can't physically go
and take all these out.
935
00:43:24,640 --> 00:43:26,560
-So, you know...
-[Jeremy] What do we do?
936
00:43:27,600 --> 00:43:29,920
[Charlie] There's nothing we can do.
We just have to hope
937
00:43:30,120 --> 00:43:32,280
that it's warm and dry,
and they mature at harvest.
938
00:43:32,480 --> 00:43:36,040
Otherwise, there's no Hawkstone...
from here.
939
00:43:36,200 --> 00:43:39,080
-Are you saying that this won't make...
-Well...
940
00:43:39,200 --> 00:43:40,840
What weather do we need?
941
00:43:41,040 --> 00:43:44,320
We just want not too hot,
so these don't mature too early.
942
00:43:45,400 --> 00:43:47,840
Goldilocks temperature. Just right.
943
00:43:48,040 --> 00:43:49,680
-Like today.
-Like today.
944
00:43:49,880 --> 00:43:51,560
-Until...
-For the next six, eight weeks.
945
00:43:51,720 --> 00:43:52,520
Eight weeks.
946
00:43:53,160 --> 00:43:55,560
[Charlie] If the weather plays ball,
we've got half a chance.
947
00:43:55,760 --> 00:43:58,520
If it doesn't, I'm really worried.
948
00:43:58,720 --> 00:44:00,240
[customer] Yeah, we know all about that.
949
00:44:00,440 --> 00:44:01,440
Do you know about that?
950
00:44:01,600 --> 00:44:04,040
We've got barley and we've got...
951
00:44:04,200 --> 00:44:06,160
And how is your spring barley doing?
952
00:44:06,320 --> 00:44:07,440
[customer] Seems to be okay I think.
953
00:44:07,600 --> 00:44:09,680
Are you listening to this?
Their spring barley's all right.
954
00:44:09,880 --> 00:44:10,680
Where are you?
955
00:44:10,840 --> 00:44:14,160
-Market Harborough. Leicestershire.
-Leicestershire, yeah.
956
00:44:14,600 --> 00:44:16,760
So what would you say about our spring?
957
00:44:16,920 --> 00:44:18,800
The lower shoots are your problem.
958
00:44:18,960 --> 00:44:20,720
The lower shoots are the problem.
Exactly.
959
00:44:21,320 --> 00:44:22,200
[customer]
Not what you want to be hearing.
960
00:44:22,360 --> 00:44:23,200
[Lisa] No.
961
00:44:25,840 --> 00:44:26,840
Shit...
962
00:44:27,760 --> 00:44:28,840
[soft music]
963
00:44:29,040 --> 00:44:30,920
[Jeremy] Charlie's gloomy arable forecast
964
00:44:31,120 --> 00:44:33,800
put something of a dampener
on proceedings
965
00:44:33,960 --> 00:44:37,320
as the farm manager and I
met for a whiteboard catch-up.
966
00:44:39,240 --> 00:44:42,240
And found that Kaleb's outgoings
had now gone through
967
00:44:42,400 --> 00:44:45,520
the £100,000 barrier.
968
00:44:47,240 --> 00:44:49,400
It's... it's scary.
969
00:44:49,600 --> 00:44:51,640
[Jeremy] We're having to spend 102,000
970
00:44:51,800 --> 00:44:54,240
-and we can't control the outcome.
-Yeah.
971
00:44:54,400 --> 00:44:56,640
Geopolitical events, weather.
972
00:44:57,440 --> 00:44:59,960
-The price at the end of the day.
-[Jeremy] Yeah, exactly.
973
00:45:00,160 --> 00:45:03,080
It's like going to a casino.
If it's a £2 minimum bet,
974
00:45:03,280 --> 00:45:04,960
-you'll have a punt.
-[Kaleb] Yeah.
975
00:45:05,480 --> 00:45:09,080
A fun night out with your friends.
If it's a £50,000 minimum bet,
976
00:45:09,240 --> 00:45:10,680
-you're not gonna bet.
-No!
977
00:45:10,840 --> 00:45:14,080
How much would we spend five years ago?
978
00:45:14,240 --> 00:45:17,240
Probably half that, didn't we?
'Cause the fertiliser price has doubled.
979
00:45:17,400 --> 00:45:21,560
78,000...
Can you imagine spending £78,000?
980
00:45:21,720 --> 00:45:24,320
-On something you throw on the ground!
-Yeah!
981
00:45:25,120 --> 00:45:27,160
You can't even measure its success.
982
00:45:27,360 --> 00:45:29,920
I've got four tonnes left over, yeah?
Do you know why that is?
983
00:45:30,120 --> 00:45:33,400
Because every time I come to the end
of the run, I've turned it off quicker.
984
00:45:33,560 --> 00:45:35,280
Seed costs have gone up...
985
00:45:36,120 --> 00:45:38,520
by 35%, 40%.
986
00:45:40,600 --> 00:45:43,160
Chemicals probably...
You know, they've gone up.
987
00:45:43,360 --> 00:45:47,640
I mean, for example, glyphosate
used to be £40 for a 20 litre can.
988
00:45:47,800 --> 00:45:50,240
-Yeah.
-£162 now.
989
00:45:50,880 --> 00:45:54,680
£162 for a 20 litre can of glyphosate.
990
00:45:54,840 --> 00:45:56,800
-That's weed killer basically?
-Yes.
991
00:45:57,480 --> 00:45:59,720
Christ. These figures are terrifying.
992
00:46:00,600 --> 00:46:05,240
[Jeremy] The only positive is that while
my side of the board was also in the red,
993
00:46:05,400 --> 00:46:10,040
some of my schemes did look
like they'd soon be making a profit.
994
00:46:10,880 --> 00:46:12,320
Honey, that...
995
00:46:12,480 --> 00:46:15,400
-That will start coming back in again.
-A couple of weeks.
996
00:46:15,600 --> 00:46:17,240
Er... Mushrooms...
997
00:46:17,440 --> 00:46:19,360
-[Kaleb] Yeah.
-That could go green.
998
00:46:19,560 --> 00:46:21,000
-Yeah.
-[Jeremy] Mustard, who knows?
999
00:46:21,200 --> 00:46:23,320
-That should be good money.
-[Kaleb] It should go green.
1000
00:46:23,480 --> 00:46:25,720
Pigs are costing so much.
What's going on?
1001
00:46:25,880 --> 00:46:29,080
No, to be honest,
this is the total loss at the moment.
1002
00:46:29,240 --> 00:46:32,320
But by the time
all those that we're selling are sold...
1003
00:46:32,480 --> 00:46:34,040
-Yeah.
-...and sold through the shop...
1004
00:46:34,240 --> 00:46:36,760
-[Kaleb] We should.
-That should go green.
1005
00:46:36,920 --> 00:46:40,360
Hang on.
Why is Wildfarm on my side of the board?
1006
00:46:40,520 --> 00:46:41,920
Well, it's your field.
1007
00:46:42,760 --> 00:46:45,080
Yeah, but I thought
it was your experiment?
1008
00:46:45,240 --> 00:46:46,280
[Jeremy] Yeah, on your field.
1009
00:46:46,480 --> 00:46:48,600
-How is it fair you make the decision...
-Yeah.
1010
00:46:48,760 --> 00:46:50,040
-And it's on my side?
-I know.
1011
00:46:50,200 --> 00:46:51,920
-It should be on your side.
-No.
1012
00:46:52,920 --> 00:46:54,880
[Kaleb laughing]
1013
00:46:58,600 --> 00:47:00,640
[filming crew laughing]
1014
00:47:05,680 --> 00:47:07,480
I'm fucking crying!
1015
00:47:07,680 --> 00:47:08,840
What's going on?
1016
00:47:09,520 --> 00:47:10,320
Never...
1017
00:47:11,080 --> 00:47:13,800
[Jeremy] With Kaleb's side of the board
looking so shaky,
1018
00:47:13,960 --> 00:47:18,600
it was vital
that my unfarmed project succeeded.
1019
00:47:19,200 --> 00:47:21,120
So we had to get a shift on,
1020
00:47:21,320 --> 00:47:23,440
making sure the shop and the burger van,
1021
00:47:23,600 --> 00:47:26,600
newly liberated
from their council shackles,
1022
00:47:26,760 --> 00:47:31,320
were ready and able
to deal with the summer-holiday tourists.
1023
00:47:31,520 --> 00:47:33,120
[cook] Check on, one burger, one bacon.
1024
00:47:33,640 --> 00:47:34,680
[customer] Thank you so much.
1025
00:47:34,880 --> 00:47:36,880
-[Jeremy] Go.
-[Kaleb] Measuring.
1026
00:47:37,040 --> 00:47:40,200
[Jeremy] This meant getting cracking
with the car park.
1027
00:47:40,600 --> 00:47:41,720
[Kaleb] What are we on now?
1028
00:47:41,920 --> 00:47:44,760
45. We'll go 68.
1029
00:47:45,400 --> 00:47:47,520
[Jeremy] I didn't think
this would be difficult.
1030
00:47:47,720 --> 00:47:48,760
[Jeremy] There.
1031
00:47:48,960 --> 00:47:50,200
[Jeremy] Or expensive.
1032
00:47:50,400 --> 00:47:51,640
[Jeremy] 53 metres.
1033
00:47:51,840 --> 00:47:53,360
[Jeremy] Or time consuming.
1034
00:47:53,560 --> 00:47:54,720
Right here.
1035
00:47:55,280 --> 00:47:56,760
[Jeremy] But I was wrong.
1036
00:47:57,320 --> 00:47:58,640
Very wrong.
1037
00:48:01,960 --> 00:48:04,640
{\an8}[upbeat music]
1038
00:48:04,840 --> 00:48:06,200
£80,000?
1039
00:48:06,600 --> 00:48:07,720
Why don't we do it?
1040
00:48:08,960 --> 00:48:11,320
- [Jeremy] We'll do it in two days.
- No.
1041
00:48:11,520 --> 00:48:13,720
[Jeremy gags and coughs]
1042
00:48:13,920 --> 00:48:16,120
[upbeat music]
82850
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