All language subtitles for Bobs.Burgers.S15E16.1080p.WEB.h264-GRACE_track3_[eng]

♪ ♪

"Congratulations..."

Louise, what are you doing?
Are you writing

"You've won burgers for life"
on the napkins again?

It's our famous
Golden Napkin Promotion.

Relax, it's only
every tenth napkin.

-I won.
-Yay, Tina.

-So proud of you.
-Oh, my God.

Hello, Bob. Linda-Bob.

-Assorted Belchkins.
-Hi, Mr. Fischoeder.

-Hey, Mr. Fisch.
-Hello.

-Hi.
-Squire.

Uh, you can't be here for rent

'cause we're not even late.

Well, we're late,
but we're not late.

We're early late.

We're playing hard to get...
checks from.

No, I'm here to hand-deliver
an invitation.

I'm saving money on stamps.
That's how I got rich.

That and being born rich.

"You are cordially invited
to a brunch..."

-Cordially. Us.
-Ooh, brunch.

"...to honor the 100th birthday

of Ulysses Fischoeder."
Who's that?

That is my oldest
living relative.

And still pretty hot
for a tortoise.

Wait. You're throwing
a 100th birthday party brunch

for a tortoise?

Uh, yeah, Dad.
[scoffs] This guy.

Ulysses isn't just any tortoise.

He's met Lindbergh.
He made Garbo smile.

Three presidents
have shaken his foot.

Who's ever shaken
your foot, Bob?

Uh, n-n-no one.

Did you all say you wanted
to see some family photos?

I mean, I was thinking it.

[Linda]
Ooh.

[Gene] It must've been wild
the day everything in the world

turned to color.

Now, I'll save you a stamp

and collect your RSVPs. So?

I mean, thank you,
but we don't really close

for reptile birthdays, so...

I don't remember that
being in our charter.

And a tortoise party
is the best invitation

this family has had in months,

-possibly ever.
-I believe you.

-Yeah, I want to go.
-Shell yes.

I'm turtle-heading already.

Or should I say
tortoise-heading?

-You should.
-You shouldn't.

-So... Bob?
-[sighs] Fine.

[others]
Yay.

-Wow
-I thought the Turtle
on Entourage

had a busy social life.

You're Calvin's scruffy burger
buddy, right? Barb, isn't it?

-Yup, it's Barb.
-No-no, it's, uh, Bob.

Hi, Randolph. This is my family.

-They're, well, you know.
-Hello.

Mm. Are you catering this event?

I'll have a Margherita pizza
and a falafel.

No, we're not catering.

Dad, get the man
a Margherita pizza.

-Mm.
-[Fischoeder] Welcome, Belchers.

-Prosecco?
-I won't say prosec-no. [laughs]

Uh, here's a present
for Ulysses.

It's a ball that you
put treats inside.

Okey dokey.

A ball with treats inside?
Did someone just fix sports?

So, where's the birthday boy?

He's off with Inga,
putting his face on.

Geez, look at all these turtle
party people. Ooh, who's that?

[Fischoeder]
That's Bailey Cornwallis,
an old paramour of mine.

-She's pretty.
-You should see her naked,

like I did many times.

-[Bob] Mm.
-Okay.

You guys enjoying the turd-ass--
I mean, tortoise party?

Felix, be nice.
It's Ulysses' day.

I am being nice.
Tell him to be nice.

Why does he get the day?
It's my birthday, too.

When it's your 100th,
we'll celebrate.

Get ready, bro.

Calvin, when are you going to
let me represent Ulysses?

There is honking demand
right now

for tortoises
with the right look.

Bob, this is Ian.
He's a pet agent.

Uh, yes, hi. We've met.

Wait, are you the guy
who had the squirrel

that lived in your hair?

-Yes.
-[sighs] No.

Calvin, I just took a call

from a major moisturizer brand.

They're looking for a tortoise
to be the face of dry skin.

We're talking real money.
Moisturizer money.

Mm... Yeah, I'll think about it.

It films in Croatia
where the tortoise labor laws

are a little more loosey-goosey,

and don't even get me started
on their goose laws.

Mmm, stuffed dates.

Hey, I hear you used to date
Mr. Fischoeder. Ha!

-I'm Linda.
-Bailey.

Yes, we used to stuff
each other's dates.

Bailey, you're naughty.

What can I say? He's my type.

Handsome, rich, one-eyed.

-Oh.
-It's called mono-ocular-philia,

and, sister, I got it bad.

Aw, so sweet. Well,
what happened with you two?

Oh, the usual.
My business took off.

I was traveling all the time.

This was before sexting,
so we faxed each other.

We called it saxting,
and it wasn't very satisfying.

Ah, still sounds kind of hot.

That fax coming in...
[imitates fax machine]

Gather round, everyone.

It's time to say hello to the
reptile that makes you smile.

[whistles] Hopefully,
that was the right whistle.

If Inga brings in the panther,
just stand very still.

♪ Happy... ♪

Okay, started
way too soon, my bad.

Poop. Poop. Poop.

Wow, lot of it.

The turtle eat and poop all day.

It only take break when making
sex to ottoman in my room.

Can't you just be happy
for them, Inga?

His poop is very green.
What's his secret?

Dandelion leaves.
It grow over there.

Is turtle's favorite.
Is like its crack.

My crack is crackers.

My crack is crack.

-What is?
-Uh, it-it's a treat ball.

Y-You hide treats inside it,
and it stimulates--

I-I should've done a gift card.

Yeah. You should've.
Now, thank you all for coming.

Ulysses has outlived
my grandfather, my father,

and will someday outlive me.

With my millionaire lifestyle,

I'm just one space tourism
disaster away from a Pine box.

Yes, I mean a Chris Pine-branded
custom casket.

Oh, that's got to be gorgeous.

The Fischoeder Family
Tortoise Trust--

or "fftt," as I call it--

requires a successor guardian
to be named.

Randolph, Felix, Ian,
Bailey, Bob--

-[Randolph] It's Barb.
-Uh, no, it's... [sigh]

-Never mind.
-[Fischoeder] Today, you five

will have the chance to compete
for Ulysses' affection

and be joined with him
in future holy guardianship.

-Oh.
-[gasps]
-Wowie.

-Hmm.
-Hmph.
-Oh, no.

And whoever is chosen
will also receive

a yearly stipend of $10,000.

-Whoa.
-[gasps]
-Yes!

-You're winning this.
-No, Louise, I'm not.

-Yes! Yes!
-No, no.

-I'm not doing it.
-Yes!

So, one of you will win

the guardianship
and Ulysses' heart.

And today, in this solarium,
love will bloom.

Much like my opium poppies
over there. You don't see those.

Um, can I talk to you,
Mr. Fischoeder?

Yeah, so I'm not at all
interested in--

-Can you excuse us?
-Uh, okay.

Dad, we are interested.

You know we've wanted
a pet forever,

and I could ride around on it
like a tortoise queen,

who also gets paid
$10,000 a year.

-Louise, no.
-And look at it this way,

it's not just a pet for us,
it's a pet for our children.

-Think of Tina Junior.
-Yeah.

-Tina Junior's gonna need this.
-Wait, what?

Aw, she's gonna be fine.

Where would a tortoise even go?

Our apartment's cramped

and possibly not even good
for people.

May I butt in?

What about that unused space
on the ground floor?

You mean our restaurant?

Uh... Oh, forgot. Yeah, well,

you know,
you'd have the stipend.

Plus, the tortoise
has some investments of its own.

-In a shell company, I assume.
-You could rent something nicer.

Then it would be like
the tortoise is our landlord.

-Love that.
-Mr. Fischoeder,
what about Inga?

She already takes care of it.

Inga? [laughs] I'm not sure
she'd be that keen on the idea.

Primarily because she hates him,
but let's check.

Inga, would you like to be
Ulysses' guardian?

-[blows raspberry]
-There you go.

Well, it doesn't matter.
I won't win anyway.

Animals don't really like me.

Do you think it's 'cause
they see into your soul

and they're like, "Nah"?

Is it 'cause they're threatened
by all your body hair?

Is it 'cause when it rains,
you get that wet dad smell?

-Mm. Yeah, maybe.
-[clears throat]

Now, you're all going to join
in a series of fun activities

in order to get
better-acquainted with Ulysses.

You're gonna be judged

on bonding, chemistry
and general vibe.

You'll also each get intimate
one-on-one time with him

down at his mud wallow.

But first,
Inga has some carrots for you.

Um, why are we getting carrots?

[Fischoeder]
Remember, I'm looking for
eye contact and body language.

[Bob groans]
This is weird.

Not sure what's weird
about this.

Yeah, you're acting like
this is the first time

you've tried
to seduce a tortoise

with a carrot in your mouth.

-I hate you.
-Felix.

I said, uh, "You're great, you."
Turd-ass.

[groaning]

Don't look away.
Don't look away.

It's like that scene in Alien.

Be open to love.

Ulysses passed to me.
We've connected.

And back to
my good friend Ulysses.

-Get in there, Dad.
-If Ulysses sees I'm open

and doesn't pass to me,

it's kind of a sign
that we're not-- Oh, darn.

Kick it back.

[grunts]

Oh, whoops. Sorry.

Bob's trying to kill
the tortoise.

No, I'm not. I'll-I'll...
I'll just stop playing.

Look at Ulysses go out there.

If only we could have
that energy

when we're 100, right? [laughs]

-[chuckles]
-Well, I'm going to have it,
so joke's on you.

All I need is a simple
but slightly illegal procedure

where stem cells are harvested

from our tortoise friend's
bone marrow

and injected into my me-marrow.

Then guess who's blowing out
150 birthday candles.

Randolph Brackenbrown.

Oh. Uh, would the tortoise
survive that?

Oh, I hope so.
Then I could do it again.

-Scrotum.
-What?

I think that's where
they'll inject it: scrotum.

Fortunately, I have a huge one.

That-that's great.
That's-that's good for you.

Next trivia question.

What color are Ulysses' eyes?

[scoffs] Too easy.

Trick question:
It doesn't have eyes.

Black, wet and full of money.

[whispers]
Don't write the money part.

Not sure the color,

but I know he's got
two of them, for now.

So, the stand-up
comedy challenge.

As we all know, Ulysses
has an amazing sense of humor,

if a bit politically incorrect.

And the winner
of this challenge will receive

five extra minutes
of one-on-one time

with him in the mud wallow,
so bring the funny.

Ulysses, your poop
is so fibrous,

when you defecate,

I don't know whether to gag
or knit a sweater.

Okay, this is my impression
of Ulysses

running as fast as he can.

[grunting slowly]

Um... Wh-What's a tortoise's
favorite kind of music?

Slow jams.

[laughs] Ha... Ha...
Aw, forget it.

-Hack.
-It's his delivery.

Oh, that's my time.

[Louise]
Look, Dad,
you're not bringing it.

You half-assed
the shell-waxing event.

You were very standoffish
during the tortoise tickling.

And the less said about the

"So That Tortoise Thinks You
Can Dance" segment, the better.

-Agreed.
-I don't really know

how the scoring works,
but I have you in last place.

-I'm fine with that.
-Oh, hi, Ian.

How was your
one-on-one time with Ulysses?

Oh, I think we both
felt something.

By the way,
I'm doing some market research.

How interested would you be
in a streaming series

about a tortoise who goes back
to high school?

But it's also a murder mystery.

You know what, never mind,
I see it in your eyes

that you love it.

Eh, I don't know
if show business

is a good life for a tortoise.

The press junkets, the scrutiny.

On the other hand, he could get
an earring, like Harrison Ford.

Yeah, Ian's maybe not great.

And Felix can barely
take care of himself.

And Randolph over there

wants to suck out
the tortoise's bone marrow.

Where are your bones?

-So, not ideal.
-Oh, hey, Bailey.

I'm up next, I think, and I'm
ready to flirt-le with a turtle.

Bailey, you seem rich.

You probably have
a nice big yard

for the tortoise
to run around in, huh?

I do. I have a big game park.

Oh, games are fun.

Yup. We have a lot
of big animals there

running around
enjoying themselves.

-That's nice.
-And then people shoot them.

What? Shoot them?

I mean, they usually miss.
Sometimes we have to shoot them

and tell the client
they shot them.

-Customer service.
-Okay, um...

But that shell's bulletproof,
right? He'll be fine.

Wow, so I guess
everyone here is terrible.

Too bad animals
hate you so much, Dad.

-Yeah. Thank you, Tina.
-You're welcome.

Gene, Tina, could I
speak to you privately?

-About childhood?
-[Gene groans]

Dad needs help.

He needs something that's,
like, performance-enhancing.

Calf implants? I've been
a squeaky wheel on that one.

No, like a... Oh. Come on.

I like Dad's skinny calves.

It's like his ankles
just keep going.

You're up, Bob. This mud
isn't going to wallow itself.

-[sighs]
-Hold on, Dad.

-Let's smarten you up a little.
-Okay.

Tuck that shirt in.

Fluff up whatever
cute little muscle is in there.

I'm just doing
a general dusting.

-There.
-Wow. Bob.

I want to take you down
to the mud wallow.

Um... So, guess
you like mud, huh?

I-I get it.

Uh, m-maybe we
don't need to talk. Oh.

Uh, um...

He might be attacking.

-Can Bob outrun a tortoise?
-Not in those shoes.

Oop. And I fell in the mud.

Wait, what's happening?

Do-do you like me?

Well, look at that.

Turtle never done that.

No, he has not.

An animal likes me.

Should I be jealous
of that thing?

Ulysses has chosen.

The winner is Bob.

-[kids and Linda cheering]
-He chose poorly.

We're getting a brother!

This tortoise queen
is gonna saddle up!

Thanks for coming.
Sorry you were all unworthy.

Ugh, I guess I'll find something
else to put in my scrotum.

You could've been
the next Free Willy.

And sure, you could argue
if Willy was ever free,

but you know what, he was rich.
That's a rich whale.

I'm just gonna go
to my treehouse

and research tortoise poison.
I mean take a nap.

Calvin, why don't you come down
and bag a rhino? It's easy.

I've got one with arthritis.
You could bag me, too.

I've also got arthritis.

You make it sound very tempting.

Aw, Bobby,
you're a turtle whisperer.

I know. The tortoise met
three presidents,

and it chose me, Lin.

So, how long before we tell Dad
that we put dandelion leaves

in his pocket
before his tortoise date?

I mean, soon, right?

But also maybe never?
Look at him, he's glowing.

[Gene]
What's that weird expression
on Dad's face?

I've never seen it before.

-I think it's pride?
-Oh.

It is time for turtle
to take nap.

Too much stimulation.

Except from boring snack ball.

Eh, I think he's gonna warm up
to the snack ball.

I know what my boy likes.

Maybe he takes his nap later.

We're sort of
doing this right now.

-Mm. Mm-mm.
-Ow.

Who peed on her
Swedish meatball?

Oh, she's been weird all day.

Bob, there are some
legal documents to sign,

but the notary texted
that he's running late.

Note to notary: Get a watch.

Might as well tell you now, Bob,
I wanted you all along.

You did?
Wh-Why didn't you just ask me?

Because you would've said no.

That's why I filled out the
contest with awful candidates,

so your dopey
family burger man decency

would kick in and you'd step up.

It was the simplest way, really.

-This was the simplest way?
-Yep.

Take Ulysses into the solarium

for the signing session,
would you?

I'm gonna go change
into my notarizing gloves.

They're thumbless.

Dad, hoist me up.

The tortoise queen wants
to take her steed for a spin.

He's not ours yet, Louise.

Also, I don't think
you're supposed to sit on them.

-You shouldn't sit on them.
-Notary's here.

-Things are about to get inky.
-Christopher.

-Hey, Christopher.
-Hi.
-Hello.

Wait, you know each other?

Poor people need things
notarized?

No, he just dates
our babysitter.

Christopher, you naughty notary.

I'm sorry I'm late.

I just finished refinancing
on a houseboat.

Pens were rolling everywhere.

Where's Inga?
We need Ulysses' signature,

and she's good at getting him
to lift his foot.

She has to be to floss his toes.

Uh, maybe I can help
since he trusts me so much.

Eh, eh, slow your roll, Bob.

Inga. [whistles]

Ugh, she's probably
sulking in her room.

Why would she be sulking?

Uh, we just had a fight.
She said she changed her mind

and she did want to be
Ulysses' guardian after all.

What? I, uh, hope you said no
'cause I won fair and square.

Um... sure you did.

She also told me
that the contest

was a dumb way to decide,
which was very hurtful.

No, no, it was scientific.

She told me she decided that
Ulysses was important to her.

Oh, boy. Uh, Dad?

But I think
she's after the stipend.

I think she's a shelldigger.

-Dad?
-A shelldigger.

-Dad, look in your pocket.
-Huh? Uh, why?

-Wh-What are these?
-Dandelion leaves.

-Oh.
-That's why Ulysses came to you.

Like how we put Skittles
in your pocket

to get Gene to like you.

-[Gene] Mm-hmm.
-[Bob chuckles]

Yeah, I don't think that was it.

Ulysses?

Uly-Ulysses? Come here.

Come to me. [sighs]

Ulysses, please,
come to me right now.

-Oh, Bob.
-Ulysses.

-Bob. Bob.
-I'm calling your name.

-Now you're just begging.
-Lin-- Wait, Lin. Ulysses.

-It's getting sad.
-He's thinking about it.

Oh, he's pooping.

A really special one, though.
Show-off.

-Inga?
-Oh, she's not here.

-Good eye, Mom.
-There's a note.

"I fly to Sweden tonight.
Is lingonberry season.

"They always need pickers.

"And stompers
if you got feet for it.

"Hurts too much to stay
knowing mustache man

will one day
take turtle away from me."

It doesn't make sense. I thought
Inga hated the tortoise.

-[gasps] She did a Clueless.
-A what?

Like how Alicia Silverstone
didn't like Paul Rudd

till he was about to be
with someone else,

and then she knew she was
in love with her stepbrother.

Seriously? That was in Clueless?

God bless the '90s.

"Please give turtle my ottoman

so he can keep make sex
with it."

Aw. "Also,

"Mr. Calvin, I mix up your
special sleepy-time cocktail.

"Is in fridge.

"And your wakey-time powder
is in pantry.

-In box marked 'cocaine.'"
-Oh, good.

Ulysses belongs with Inga.
She deserves him.

-Yeah.
-This is all my fault.

Well, it's mostly
your fault, kids.

And, Mr. Fischoeder, your fault
for doing all of this.

And not my fault at all.

You got very into it
very quickly.

You said you were getting
a tortoise tattoo.

Yeah, I did say that.

So, Inga's leaving.

-I know what I have to do.
-[Bob] Good.

Hire another Inga.

Wait, what? No.

Yes. There's a service.

See? Done. One's on their way.

No, Mr. Fischoeder.
Cancel the new Inga.

Y-You have to go to the airport
to stop original Inga

-from getting on the plane.
-Oh, fine,

but I'm only bringing her back
to do a final poop sweep.

Inga, bring the car around
right n-- Oh... right.

-Hmm. How do I get my car?
-[sighs] Do you have the keys?

-Keys. Say more.
-Car keys.

-Uh...
-The keys to your--
Forget it. We'll take mine.

-Fine.
-And I'll wait here on this

-comfy ottoman.
-Gene, don't sit on that.

-Come on. We got to move.
-Oh, dear.

W-Was this car in a war?

-That we lost?
-I know,

it's not very nice. [sighs]

Hopefully, we're not too late.
I mean, how are we ever

gonna find her and--
Oh, there she is.

Ugh. We could've walked here.

I got in this horrible car
for nothing.

Huh, doesn't look like
there are enough chairs,

so I guess one of us
should sit on the tortoise.

-I'll do it.
-[Linda] Keep off him, Louise.

-It's his birthday.
-Ooh. Better idea.

Tortoise queen chariot.

[Linda]
I guess that's okay.

Whoa-ho-ho. We're on the go.

Guys, better move if
you don't want to be trampled.

[Gene and Tina]
Whoa.

[Tina]
Phew.

My lance. Ulysses, take me
to something lance-able.

Come on, kids.
We better make sure

she doesn't go into traffic.

-The slow lane.
-[Louise] Hey.

I'll stay here
and keep the ink pad moist.

Sorry, I have to bill
another hour.

It's nine dollars.

Inga. You're-you're still here.

[Inga]
I wait for rideshare to airport.

App keeps saying two minutes.

Um, Mr. Fischoeder, do you
have something to say to Inga?

Yes, Inga,
where are the car keys?

What? No. Inga, Ulysses
didn't pick me. My kids cheated.

He should be with you.

-So, Bob is bad. Bad Bob.
-[Bob] Hmm.

-No hard feelings
except against Bob.
-[Bob] Mm-mm.

And, Inga, I'll generously
let you un-quit and come back.

-No. Still quit.
-Are you Inga?

Uh, h-hold on.
Sh-She needs a minute.

Okay, but the app only lets me
wait three minutes,

and then it vibrates and stuff.

Here, every day is like,
"Is turtle okay?

Does poop look nice?"

In Sweden, no worries.

Stomp lingonberries,
drink lingonberry wine,

sleep in lingonberry wagon.

Inga, we know you care
about Ulysses.

You asked to keep him.
Y-You Clueless-ed.

You mean when Alicia Silverstone
discover she love Paul Rudd?

Yes, exactly.

Me wanting turtle was mistake.

I see now, is too much.

I go Sweden,
live lingonberry life.

Inga, you can pretend
you don't care,

that you have this thick shell,
if you will.

-Oh, really, Bob, her shell?
-Shush.

-Inga, you do care.
-[Linda] Hey, you found Inga.

All hail the tortoise queen.

Is he coming to me?

Oh, my God, he's coming to me.

And... never mind.

I put bag in trunk.

Uh, let me help you with that.

Oh, you got it? Oh, okay.

Go ahead, Inga,
leave for your so-called Sweden.

-I'll be fine. So will Felix.
-No!

You won't be fine.

Mr. Fischoeder,
you're too proud to admit it,

but you need Inga.

And, Inga, I think
you need the tortoise.

And the tortoise needs
the ottoman? The math is weird.

But beautiful.

So, Inga, what do you say, hon?

Oh, she's getting in the car.

Inga, wait. Bob's right.
Please stay.

You're the only one
who can put Felix to bed.

And I want you to stay.
And I hid your passport.

Okay. I stay.

[cheering]

Oh, you got that? Okay, good.

Oh, thank God.

I'm gonna go to the airport
anyway.

What the hell?

-Money raise.
-Fine. Money raise.

-Second ottoman.
-Second ottoman.

Wakey-time powder for Inga?

-Wakey-time powder for everyone.
-[kids cheer]

-[Bob] No, no.
-[Linda] No.

[Christopher]
I hereby pronounce
this document notarized.

You may clean your thumb
and foot.

[crying]
Oh, I'm so happy for them.

It is really beautiful.

[sighs] So we're out
one tortoise.

Tell me more about that panther.

-Total cuddle-muffin,
when tranquilized.
-Um, pass.

[Fischoeder]
There's also a chimp in a fedora
around here someplace.

[Gene]
Go on.

♪ She's the turtle queen,
that's right ♪

♪ Chariot pulled
by her turtle steed ♪

♪ Not in a hurry,
got no need for speed ♪

♪ They wait for you
when you're the turtle queen ♪

♪ Bow down ♪

♪ Look, she's passing by ♪

♪ Bow down ♪

♪ Likes to take her time ♪

♪ Bow down ♪

♪ If it takes you a while to ♪

♪ Bow down ♪

♪ You can take your time ♪

♪ She's the turtle queen,
yeah. ♪

Captioning sponsored by
BENTO BOX ENTERTAINMENT

and TOYOTA.

Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
access.wgbh.org