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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:05,255 --> 00:00:07,174 Good evening, I'm MayKay Bueller. 2 00:00:07,257 --> 00:00:08,425 Our top story tonight... 3 00:00:08,509 --> 00:00:10,219 the rumors are true. 4 00:00:10,302 --> 00:00:12,763 We might be getting a white Christmas this year, y'all! 5 00:00:12,846 --> 00:00:14,598 Ooh-wee! 6 00:00:14,681 --> 00:00:16,433 TV 12's Big Weathers has the details. 7 00:00:16,517 --> 00:00:17,809 Uh, Big? 8 00:00:17,893 --> 00:00:21,396 That's right, MayKay, there might be the possibility of a winter storm 9 00:00:21,480 --> 00:00:25,359 any time in the next 12 to 78 hours 10 00:00:25,442 --> 00:00:26,860 or minutes 11 00:00:26,944 --> 00:00:29,029 with estimates of precipitation ranging anywhere 12 00:00:29,112 --> 00:00:31,949 from zero to 26 inches. 13 00:00:32,032 --> 00:00:33,325 with the chance of that being 14 00:00:33,408 --> 00:00:35,744 not very to very likely. 15 00:00:35,827 --> 00:00:38,247 Keep us posted, Big, because as you know, 16 00:00:38,330 --> 00:00:40,415 as much as we southerners love snow, 17 00:00:40,499 --> 00:00:42,543 we are not used to it. 18 00:00:42,626 --> 00:00:44,753 Can you give us some pointers, Big? 19 00:00:44,837 --> 00:00:47,339 First things first, you need supplies. 20 00:00:47,422 --> 00:00:49,341 So get to the grocery store immediately 21 00:00:49,424 --> 00:00:51,176 to buy bread and milk. 22 00:00:51,260 --> 00:00:54,471 Otherwise you'll freeze to death and starve, Big. 23 00:00:54,555 --> 00:00:58,183 Next, be on the lookout for signs of frostbite... 24 00:00:58,267 --> 00:00:59,351 Ooh-wee... 25 00:00:59,434 --> 00:01:01,395 -...whiteouts, and when driving, 26 00:01:01,478 --> 00:01:04,273 always assume you're on black ice. 27 00:01:04,356 --> 00:01:05,732 The silent killer, Big. 28 00:01:05,816 --> 00:01:08,986 Ooh-wee-wah-wah-woo-woo! 29 00:01:43,854 --> 00:01:46,648 Aw, remember this one? 30 00:01:46,732 --> 00:01:48,275 I never knew Santa had so many hobbies. 31 00:01:48,358 --> 00:01:51,278 Surfing, fishing... how does he find time to do all this stuff? 32 00:01:51,361 --> 00:01:52,738 I'll tell you how. 33 00:01:52,821 --> 00:01:55,032 Slave labor. That motorcycle right there? 34 00:01:55,115 --> 00:01:57,034 Built with the tears of indentured elves. 35 00:01:57,117 --> 00:01:59,203 Okay! Everyone get ready. 36 00:01:59,286 --> 00:02:00,704 Here come the lights. 37 00:02:02,372 --> 00:02:03,457 You call that a tree? 38 00:02:03,540 --> 00:02:05,584 Charlie Brown bullcrap. 39 00:02:05,667 --> 00:02:08,378 Mother... go outside. 40 00:02:11,298 --> 00:02:13,133 What are you doing, obsessing over some Christmas 41 00:02:13,217 --> 00:02:14,551 that we can't have? 42 00:02:14,635 --> 00:02:18,055 I don't want you making Violet feel bad about the Christmas we do have. 43 00:02:18,138 --> 00:02:21,683 Well, you can try and wrap your hugs and put 'em under the tree or some crap, 44 00:02:21,767 --> 00:02:25,145 but, Jenny, we both know that little girl isn't gonna love you 45 00:02:25,229 --> 00:02:29,107 properly unless you bust her stocking with some fancy gifts. 46 00:02:29,191 --> 00:02:30,609 Well, Louise has been hinting 47 00:02:30,692 --> 00:02:32,361 that she's gonna give us Christmas bonuses. 48 00:02:32,444 --> 00:02:34,404 Okay, well, don't you worry. 49 00:02:34,488 --> 00:02:36,782 Santa Betty's gonna provide this year. 50 00:02:36,865 --> 00:02:38,742 Look what I got in the mail. 51 00:02:38,825 --> 00:02:40,202 Oh, Lord, what's that? 52 00:02:40,285 --> 00:02:41,954 It's my bladder mesh settlement check! 53 00:02:42,037 --> 00:02:43,664 Christmas is on me! 54 00:02:43,747 --> 00:02:45,958 Get ready for the most luxury gifts. 55 00:02:46,041 --> 00:02:50,003 Brookstone's, Belk's, Ferrero Rocher's chocolate balls! 56 00:02:50,087 --> 00:02:53,674 Just like when my mesh broke, I am gonna make it rain. 57 00:02:56,093 --> 00:02:57,469 Look again. 58 00:02:57,553 --> 00:02:59,888 There might be 2,000 more checks in there. 59 00:03:03,642 --> 00:03:04,935 (TUNE OF JINGLE BELLS)Doo-doo-doo ♪ 60 00:03:05,018 --> 00:03:08,105 ♪ Doo-doo-doo, I have a surprise ♪ 61 00:03:08,188 --> 00:03:09,439 Thank you, Louise. 62 00:03:09,523 --> 00:03:10,774 Oh, I need this so bad. 63 00:03:10,858 --> 00:03:11,942 What? 64 00:03:12,025 --> 00:03:13,569 Where the hell is the bonus? 65 00:03:13,652 --> 00:03:15,696 "You are cordially invited to Daniel and Louise Culp's 66 00:03:15,779 --> 00:03:18,490 "annual Christmas Extravaganza, colon, 67 00:03:18,574 --> 00:03:19,992 "a Festival of Joy, Lights, 68 00:03:20,075 --> 00:03:21,910 "Merriment and Fellowship, and Good Tidings. 69 00:03:21,994 --> 00:03:24,621 "Have You Been Good, question mark. 70 00:03:24,705 --> 00:03:27,708 Santa's Coming Party, exclamation point"? 71 00:03:27,791 --> 00:03:30,127 Why is Daniel's head so big? 72 00:03:30,210 --> 00:03:32,963 Oh, Daniel couldn't make the photo shoot because he had 73 00:03:33,046 --> 00:03:37,009 a businessman meeting, so I computer-shopped him in. 74 00:03:37,092 --> 00:03:39,511 Well, Louise, the Hart Family has a pretty big blowout 75 00:03:39,595 --> 00:03:41,054 of our own planned. 76 00:03:41,138 --> 00:03:42,556 I cordially say, "Hell no." 77 00:03:42,639 --> 00:03:44,016 It's mandatory. 78 00:03:44,099 --> 00:03:45,642 ♪ Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ♪ 79 00:03:50,564 --> 00:03:51,815 Happy almost birthday! 80 00:03:51,899 --> 00:03:53,442 Hey, how old are you? 81 00:03:53,525 --> 00:03:55,402 Little hack for that... just think what year it is, 82 00:03:55,485 --> 00:03:56,778 and that's how old I am. 83 00:03:56,862 --> 00:03:58,614 Do you have any big plans? 84 00:03:58,697 --> 00:04:01,116 Well, I was hoping to just do, you know, a simple Christmas 85 00:04:01,200 --> 00:04:04,244 at home with my family, but Louise is making us 86 00:04:04,328 --> 00:04:07,372 go to her big, fancy-butt, richie-rich Christmas party. 87 00:04:07,456 --> 00:04:08,832 Sounds like you've already got something in your 88 00:04:08,916 --> 00:04:11,585 Christmas stocking... a lump of jealousy. 89 00:04:11,668 --> 00:04:13,462 What? I'm not jealous. 90 00:04:13,545 --> 00:04:15,923 It's just that Louise's Christmas is gonna be 91 00:04:16,006 --> 00:04:18,133 so show-off amazing, it's gonna make 92 00:04:18,217 --> 00:04:20,260 our dumb, little Christmas look like a cold turd 93 00:04:20,344 --> 00:04:21,720 on a paper plate. 94 00:04:21,803 --> 00:04:23,805 Well, okay, maybe I am a little jealous. 95 00:04:23,889 --> 00:04:26,308 Feelings of jealousy are completely normal. 96 00:04:26,391 --> 00:04:28,101 But don't let it ruin your Christmas. 97 00:04:28,185 --> 00:04:29,937 I get jealous, too, you know. 98 00:04:30,020 --> 00:04:32,481 You do? Who could you possibly be jealous of? 99 00:04:32,564 --> 00:04:34,441 W-W-Wait, let me think, let me think. 100 00:04:34,525 --> 00:04:35,609 Criss Angel? 101 00:04:35,692 --> 00:04:37,027 Did you say Criss Angel? 102 00:04:37,110 --> 00:04:38,612 No. 103 00:04:38,695 --> 00:04:40,030 I'm talking about Santa. 104 00:04:40,113 --> 00:04:41,823 Swooping in on my birthday, 105 00:04:41,907 --> 00:04:45,077 handing out gifts like some cool weekend dad. 106 00:04:45,160 --> 00:04:47,204 Wait, should I be jealous of Criss Angel? 107 00:04:47,287 --> 00:04:49,206 No, I mean, I mean, I don't think so. 108 00:04:49,289 --> 00:04:51,917 That should have been a way more definitive answer, Jenny. 109 00:04:52,000 --> 00:04:53,752 That's not even his real name, you know? 110 00:04:53,836 --> 00:04:55,337 It's Christopher Nicholas Sarantakos. 111 00:04:55,420 --> 00:04:57,297 Say that when your plane's going down. 112 00:04:59,007 --> 00:05:01,593 Hmm, come on! I need a Christmas miracle. 113 00:05:01,677 --> 00:05:03,846 Think, Betty, think. 114 00:05:03,929 --> 00:05:06,390 Scratchers, returns, Kohl's Cash? 115 00:05:06,473 --> 00:05:08,225 No, got to think outside the box. 116 00:05:08,308 --> 00:05:11,728 Biology... selling blood, stealing kidneys? 117 00:05:11,812 --> 00:05:13,647 Sleight of hand? Fake my own death? 118 00:05:13,730 --> 00:05:15,148 Social Security fraud? 119 00:05:15,232 --> 00:05:17,109 Selling secrets, treason? 120 00:05:17,192 --> 00:05:18,610 -Gram? Gram! 121 00:05:18,694 --> 00:05:21,905 Are you okay? You were mumbling "treason" to yourself again. 122 00:05:21,989 --> 00:05:25,617 No, I am not okay! I can't do another discount Dollar Tree Christmas! 123 00:05:25,701 --> 00:05:27,077 Well, suck it up, Mother. 124 00:05:27,160 --> 00:05:30,497 Our Christmas is gonna be great as soon as we get back from pretending 125 00:05:30,581 --> 00:05:33,083 to enjoy Louise's Christmas party. 126 00:05:33,166 --> 00:05:36,211 Is this gonna be a Sunday School "cookies and Kool-Aid" type of deal? 127 00:05:36,295 --> 00:05:37,629 Should I bring my own beers? 128 00:05:37,713 --> 00:05:39,840 No, there's an open bar. 129 00:05:39,923 --> 00:05:42,384 It's gonna be a richie-rich nightmare. 130 00:05:45,387 --> 00:05:47,848 To see how people are preparing for the storm, 131 00:05:47,931 --> 00:05:50,517 let's join MayKay at Harris Teeter. 132 00:05:50,601 --> 00:05:52,644 Big, shelves have been picked bare, 133 00:05:52,728 --> 00:05:54,897 as people stock up on essentials. 134 00:05:54,980 --> 00:05:56,481 The milk is completely gone, 135 00:05:56,565 --> 00:05:58,692 -even powdered and condensed. 136 00:05:58,775 --> 00:06:00,068 And in the bread aisle, 137 00:06:00,152 --> 00:06:02,696 all that's left is the diabetes bread. 138 00:06:02,779 --> 00:06:04,823 My doctor's been telling me to eat that for years, 139 00:06:04,907 --> 00:06:07,826 but I would rather starve to death under ten feet of ice, MayKay. 140 00:06:07,910 --> 00:06:10,204 Ooh-wee-wow! 141 00:06:10,287 --> 00:06:12,664 Thanks again for coming 142 00:06:12,748 --> 00:06:14,625 to this stupid party. 143 00:06:14,708 --> 00:06:16,210 Let's just hope it isn't too lame. 144 00:06:16,293 --> 00:06:19,296 What? I bet you can see this from space. 145 00:06:19,379 --> 00:06:21,715 Dang, all that's missing is the Polar Express. 146 00:06:21,798 --> 00:06:23,926 - Nope. 147 00:06:24,009 --> 00:06:25,761 They got that, too. 148 00:06:25,844 --> 00:06:28,305 That conductor's not actually Tom Hanks, right? 149 00:06:28,388 --> 00:06:30,057 Tom! 150 00:06:30,140 --> 00:06:32,768 He looked over. 151 00:06:35,354 --> 00:06:37,814 Just leave the car up front. We won't be staying long. 152 00:06:37,898 --> 00:06:39,191 I was told to park all vehicles 153 00:06:39,274 --> 00:06:40,734 with truck nuts around back. 154 00:06:40,817 --> 00:06:43,111 -That's fair. -Rude. 155 00:06:43,195 --> 00:06:45,614 Here he comes again... Tom! 156 00:06:45,697 --> 00:06:46,949 Ah, he's working. 157 00:06:54,414 --> 00:06:56,375 Now, this is the Christmas we deserve! 158 00:06:56,458 --> 00:06:58,377 -Mother! -Oh, my God. 159 00:06:58,460 --> 00:07:01,255 It's the biggest littlest town I've ever seen! 160 00:07:01,338 --> 00:07:02,923 I've seen bigger... and littler. 161 00:07:03,006 --> 00:07:06,093 I mean, I guess it's cute in a gross, show-offy kind of way. 162 00:07:06,176 --> 00:07:09,888 Doo, doo-doo-doo. Welcome to the East Pole, y'all, 163 00:07:09,972 --> 00:07:12,724 from me and my head elf Daniel. 164 00:07:12,808 --> 00:07:14,935 Daniel, come say hi. 165 00:07:15,018 --> 00:07:17,771 Daniel, y'all, where is your elf hat? 166 00:07:17,855 --> 00:07:21,108 He has this elf hat I bought him that he just loves. 167 00:07:21,191 --> 00:07:23,735 Baby, look, they have teeny, tiny hamburgers. 168 00:07:23,819 --> 00:07:25,112 They made 'em elf-sized for Christmas. 169 00:07:25,195 --> 00:07:26,738 I got you one already. 170 00:07:26,822 --> 00:07:28,365 I ate the pickles 'cause I know you hate 'em. 171 00:07:28,448 --> 00:07:29,825 Oh, you're so sweet. 172 00:07:29,908 --> 00:07:31,743 But, remember, we got that cheeseball at home. 173 00:07:31,827 --> 00:07:34,162 Daniel, bring me some chips. 174 00:07:34,246 --> 00:07:36,206 You know the kind I like. 175 00:07:38,125 --> 00:07:40,836 He's going to get the kind I like. 176 00:07:40,919 --> 00:07:42,838 And guess what else. 177 00:07:42,921 --> 00:07:46,842 We have a very special celebrity guest coming tonight. 178 00:07:46,925 --> 00:07:49,136 Ian David Cole. 179 00:07:49,219 --> 00:07:50,846 Oh, I don't think we're gonna be able to stay for... 180 00:07:50,929 --> 00:07:54,141 Greenpoint Community Theater's own Ian David Cole? 181 00:07:54,224 --> 00:07:56,935 His bluegrass production of The Elephant Man changed my life. 182 00:07:57,019 --> 00:07:59,146 Get ready to shake his hand, Wayne. 183 00:07:59,229 --> 00:08:02,024 After he does his annual recitation 184 00:08:02,107 --> 00:08:05,986 of 'Twas the Night Before Christmas. 185 00:08:06,069 --> 00:08:08,530 -Louise saw me. Let's get out of here. -But Ian David Cole. 186 00:08:08,614 --> 00:08:10,741 A mini-town bigger than our living room. 187 00:08:10,824 --> 00:08:13,410 -Free shrimp. -And Ian David Cole. 188 00:08:13,493 --> 00:08:17,164 No. That delicious cheeseball isn't gonna dip Triscuits into itself. 189 00:08:17,247 --> 00:08:20,000 -Now let's go. 190 00:08:36,433 --> 00:08:38,769 -Snow! -We need bread and milk! 191 00:08:38,852 --> 00:08:41,438 Why didn't we get bread and milk yet? 192 00:08:41,522 --> 00:08:44,066 -Look out for black ice. -Steer into the skid! 193 00:08:44,149 --> 00:08:46,193 Drive faster. We got to beat the storm. 194 00:08:46,276 --> 00:08:48,028 No, you steer away from the skid. 195 00:08:48,111 --> 00:08:49,530 That's not what I was taught. 196 00:08:49,613 --> 00:08:51,907 Dawn, you're going too fast. 197 00:08:51,990 --> 00:08:54,368 They changed it a few years ago. 198 00:08:54,451 --> 00:08:56,286 -No way. -Hand to God. 199 00:08:56,370 --> 00:08:57,871 My foot's on the brake! 200 00:09:06,338 --> 00:09:08,340 You're not going anywhere in this. 201 00:09:11,009 --> 00:09:13,929 Oh, my Lord. Tom Hanks, no! 202 00:09:18,559 --> 00:09:20,686 Well, it looks like the dream of a white Christmas 203 00:09:20,769 --> 00:09:23,021 has turned into a nightmare. 204 00:09:23,105 --> 00:09:26,859 This is the scene right now on Elmwood Avenue. MayKay? 205 00:09:26,942 --> 00:09:31,280 Thanks, Big. Well, we are standing here with the Mayor Webb, 206 00:09:31,363 --> 00:09:33,699 who came down here to survey the accident. 207 00:09:33,782 --> 00:09:35,701 You just speak right into the top of this. 208 00:09:35,784 --> 00:09:38,120 Oh, I didn't come here to survey it. I was in it. 209 00:09:38,203 --> 00:09:39,538 I was fully in the accident. 210 00:09:39,621 --> 00:09:41,331 -I'm bleeding. -You're fine. 211 00:09:41,415 --> 00:09:46,003 Now, Mayor, I'm told there is a salt truck coming down from Kentucky? 212 00:09:46,086 --> 00:09:48,213 You just speak into the business end right here. 213 00:09:48,297 --> 00:09:50,090 I tried to call a salt truck. 214 00:09:50,174 --> 00:09:52,509 There was just a Hispanic outgoing message, 215 00:09:52,593 --> 00:09:54,845 and it went straight to voice mail. 216 00:09:54,928 --> 00:09:57,848 Did you try a different salt truck company? 217 00:09:57,931 --> 00:10:00,767 You just talk right there. This-this picks up the sound. 218 00:10:00,851 --> 00:10:03,645 No, MayKay, I don't know other salt truck companies. 219 00:10:03,729 --> 00:10:05,522 You think when you become mayor, they just give you 220 00:10:05,606 --> 00:10:07,774 a magical list of all the salt truck companies 221 00:10:07,858 --> 00:10:09,359 -in the world? 222 00:10:09,443 --> 00:10:12,446 I'm making snow devils, baby. 223 00:10:12,529 --> 00:10:14,990 -I'm pinned! -Big? 224 00:10:16,950 --> 00:10:19,328 Oh, this is perfect. We're snowed in. 225 00:10:19,411 --> 00:10:22,748 It's so perfect. We're snowed in. 226 00:10:22,831 --> 00:10:26,668 Now, before you panic, we do have both bread and milk. 227 00:10:26,752 --> 00:10:28,670 Isn't this romantic, y'all? 228 00:10:28,754 --> 00:10:32,299 Everyone, just grab your partner and get Christmas cozy. 229 00:10:32,382 --> 00:10:34,801 I know I'm about to. Daniel? 230 00:10:34,885 --> 00:10:36,803 Okay, I'll find him. 231 00:10:36,887 --> 00:10:38,805 Part of me feels sorry for her, 232 00:10:38,889 --> 00:10:41,475 but most of me just wants to drink her out of house and home. 233 00:10:41,558 --> 00:10:43,519 Good thing the human body's got two livers, 234 00:10:43,602 --> 00:10:45,979 and we only need one. 235 00:10:46,063 --> 00:10:47,981 Brenda, I told you that's kidneys. 236 00:10:48,065 --> 00:10:50,025 You sound like my professors at nursing school. 237 00:10:50,108 --> 00:10:53,237 Hold on, do you have a loose meatball rolling around in your pocketbook? 238 00:10:53,320 --> 00:10:57,574 Oh, I got a baker's dozen loose meatballs in my pocketbook. 239 00:10:57,658 --> 00:10:59,451 You got your meats, then you got your crudités, 240 00:10:59,535 --> 00:11:01,954 iced pocket for shrimps, and the bottom is just a lake 241 00:11:02,037 --> 00:11:03,830 of various sauces and dips. 242 00:11:03,914 --> 00:11:06,166 I'm getting my bonus one way or another. 243 00:11:06,250 --> 00:11:07,626 Well, look, if we're gonna be stuck at this party, 244 00:11:07,709 --> 00:11:09,294 we might as well make the best of it. Right? 245 00:11:09,378 --> 00:11:11,964 Pound some food, drink a ton, and go anger-snooping. 246 00:11:12,047 --> 00:11:15,133 If we find some Louise dirt, we'll feel so much better. 247 00:11:15,217 --> 00:11:16,426 You had me at anger-pooping. 248 00:11:16,510 --> 00:11:19,513 "Merry Christmas, Louise. There's a doody in your dryer." 249 00:11:19,596 --> 00:11:21,682 No, I said anger-snooping. 250 00:11:21,765 --> 00:11:26,436 I know. I was just kidding about anger-pooping. 251 00:11:26,520 --> 00:11:28,272 I'm not an animal, Jenny. 252 00:11:30,232 --> 00:11:31,859 Bweep, bweep, bweep. 253 00:11:31,942 --> 00:11:33,610 "Oh, no. Aliens." 254 00:11:33,694 --> 00:11:36,113 "I'm your tiny leader Frosty." 255 00:11:36,196 --> 00:11:38,532 "Kill it before it kills us first." 256 00:11:38,615 --> 00:11:40,909 "Oh, God, it's shooting me with a freeze ray. 257 00:11:40,993 --> 00:11:43,078 "Oh! Oh, all my limbs are coming off! 258 00:11:43,161 --> 00:11:44,621 "Oh, it burns. 259 00:11:44,705 --> 00:11:48,208 I love my limbs. Not my limbs." 260 00:11:48,292 --> 00:11:51,044 Doo, doo-doo-doo. Sad news, y'all. 261 00:11:51,128 --> 00:11:55,048 I'm afraid Ian David Cole was not able to make it 262 00:11:55,132 --> 00:11:56,800 'cause of the snow. 263 00:11:56,884 --> 00:11:58,594 Damn it! No! 264 00:11:58,677 --> 00:12:00,804 -Or was I? 265 00:12:00,888 --> 00:12:04,141 I've been here all night. 266 00:12:04,224 --> 00:12:06,059 Holy what? 267 00:12:06,143 --> 00:12:09,730 Life is a stage, and the stage is my life. 268 00:12:09,813 --> 00:12:12,149 And you are my co-stars. 269 00:12:12,232 --> 00:12:15,068 Give yourselves a round of applause. 270 00:12:15,152 --> 00:12:18,488 Friggin' theater's Ian David Cole. 271 00:12:19,406 --> 00:12:22,117 Think, Betty, think. Focus. 272 00:12:22,201 --> 00:12:24,369 Vase, crystal, 273 00:12:24,453 --> 00:12:28,916 silverware, case of wine, sugar daddy, chandelier. 274 00:12:28,999 --> 00:12:30,959 Find your hustle. Where is it? 275 00:12:32,252 --> 00:12:34,004 Cigar smoke. 276 00:12:36,548 --> 00:12:37,633 Bingo. 277 00:12:37,716 --> 00:12:39,885 No, we aren't playing bingo. 278 00:12:39,968 --> 00:12:42,137 We're helping Daniel hide from his ball and chain. 279 00:12:42,221 --> 00:12:44,681 -Hey, aren't you Jenny Hart's mama? -Sure am. 280 00:12:44,765 --> 00:12:46,350 You got a good-looking daughter, Ms. Hart. 281 00:12:46,433 --> 00:12:48,352 You look good, too, for an old. 282 00:12:48,435 --> 00:12:50,771 Oh, that's so sweet of you to say. 283 00:12:50,854 --> 00:12:52,981 Can I play? I got cash. 284 00:12:53,065 --> 00:12:54,566 Kohl hard cash. 285 00:12:57,027 --> 00:12:58,946 Oh, my Lord, she is priceless. 286 00:12:59,029 --> 00:13:00,781 Dare I even say hot? 287 00:13:00,864 --> 00:13:03,659 I say we let this ancient cutie sit in. 288 00:13:05,994 --> 00:13:08,914 Okay, now what's the difference 289 00:13:08,997 --> 00:13:11,750 between the pointy shovels and the bumpy shovels? 290 00:13:14,753 --> 00:13:17,256 Look at all this dumb crap that could've been our bonuses. 291 00:13:17,339 --> 00:13:19,591 A crystal bird? What's that even for? 292 00:13:19,675 --> 00:13:21,718 -This bitch. -A mahogany box 293 00:13:21,802 --> 00:13:22,928 with nothing in it? 294 00:13:23,011 --> 00:13:24,972 This beotch. 295 00:13:25,055 --> 00:13:26,056 This bitch. 296 00:13:26,139 --> 00:13:28,392 This beotch. This bish. 297 00:13:28,976 --> 00:13:30,727 This bitch! 298 00:13:30,811 --> 00:13:33,647 I've seen every production you've ever done, Ian David Cole. 299 00:13:33,730 --> 00:13:35,357 I loved your musical version 300 00:13:35,440 --> 00:13:37,484 of The Odd Couple where you played both characters. 301 00:13:37,568 --> 00:13:40,112 Delightful. 302 00:13:40,195 --> 00:13:42,906 Why haven't you tried out for anything, Wade? 303 00:13:42,990 --> 00:13:45,242 Oh, yeah, it's Wayne, with an "N." 304 00:13:45,325 --> 00:13:47,411 No, it isn't. It's Wade. 305 00:13:47,494 --> 00:13:49,246 Wade Rock. 306 00:13:49,329 --> 00:13:53,083 That will be your stage name when you join me onstage. 307 00:13:53,166 --> 00:13:56,962 You have a real presence. I can feel it. 308 00:13:57,045 --> 00:14:00,591 Oh, no. I-I love watching theater, but I can't do it. 309 00:14:00,674 --> 00:14:03,510 The one time I tried it, I really dookied the bed. 310 00:14:03,594 --> 00:14:04,887 Oh-ho-ho-ho, Wade. 311 00:14:04,970 --> 00:14:07,389 Don't talk about my friend Wade like that. 312 00:14:07,472 --> 00:14:10,434 I'm sure you were wonderful. 313 00:14:10,517 --> 00:14:13,604 No. I mean I really dookied the bed. 314 00:14:14,479 --> 00:14:16,773 Oh, Smee, what a rogue and peasant... 315 00:14:18,609 --> 00:14:19,651 Oh, no. 316 00:14:20,694 --> 00:14:22,029 Oh, my God. 317 00:14:22,988 --> 00:14:24,948 So, yeah, I literally dookied the bed. 318 00:14:25,032 --> 00:14:27,492 Onstage, in front of everyone. 319 00:14:27,576 --> 00:14:30,120 Ha-ha! That's not delightful. 320 00:14:30,204 --> 00:14:32,831 I got so nervous trying to remember all those lines. 321 00:14:32,915 --> 00:14:36,126 Wade, you've got to get back on that stage. 322 00:14:36,210 --> 00:14:39,129 Otherwise, the dookie wins. 323 00:14:39,213 --> 00:14:40,631 I could teach you. 324 00:14:40,714 --> 00:14:41,965 Oh, I don't know. 325 00:14:42,049 --> 00:14:45,552 You remember the lyrics to your favorite songs, don't you? 326 00:14:45,636 --> 00:14:47,221 ♪ Love in an elevator ♪ 327 00:14:47,304 --> 00:14:48,680 Hell yeah. 328 00:14:48,764 --> 00:14:50,224 Delightful! 329 00:14:50,307 --> 00:14:52,851 You just acted! 330 00:14:52,935 --> 00:14:53,977 Delightful! 331 00:14:56,104 --> 00:14:59,942 I have no idea how I'm winning all these... 332 00:15:00,025 --> 00:15:01,485 what are they called, chips? 333 00:15:01,568 --> 00:15:03,737 Okay, you're big blind, little blind. Let's see the flop. 334 00:15:06,990 --> 00:15:08,283 Oh, would you look at this bed. 335 00:15:08,367 --> 00:15:10,285 There's probably $10,000 worth of pillows. 336 00:15:10,369 --> 00:15:13,038 -Bonus! Bonus! Bonus! -Bitch! Bitch! Bitch! 337 00:15:13,121 --> 00:15:14,790 No luck in her drawers. 338 00:15:14,873 --> 00:15:17,209 Ooh, I can't wait to see how many trillions of dollars 339 00:15:17,292 --> 00:15:18,502 of purses she's got. 340 00:15:23,215 --> 00:15:24,216 Anything good in there? 341 00:15:24,299 --> 00:15:25,759 No, no. Uh, false alarm. 342 00:15:25,843 --> 00:15:27,678 Uh, but I think I did see some Adderall 343 00:15:27,761 --> 00:15:29,263 in the kids' Jack N Jill bathroom. 344 00:15:29,346 --> 00:15:32,474 Jackpot! Someone's gonna pass her nursing test. 345 00:15:39,314 --> 00:15:41,942 Hey, Louise... 346 00:15:42,025 --> 00:15:44,862 This party is a disaster. 347 00:15:44,945 --> 00:15:46,113 Sorry, what? 348 00:15:46,196 --> 00:15:48,073 This party. 349 00:15:48,156 --> 00:15:50,909 It's just a big ol' sparkly ol' Band-Aid 350 00:15:50,993 --> 00:15:52,911 on a nasty secret wound. 351 00:15:52,995 --> 00:15:54,329 Is it? 352 00:15:54,413 --> 00:15:56,790 All appearances to the contrary, 353 00:15:56,874 --> 00:16:00,460 things are not great between me and Daniel. 354 00:16:00,544 --> 00:16:02,880 What? 355 00:16:02,963 --> 00:16:06,049 At the very least, I thought if I put up a ton of mistletoe, 356 00:16:06,133 --> 00:16:07,718 maybe Daniel would give me a kiss, 357 00:16:07,801 --> 00:16:11,263 but he's dodging mistletoe like Tom Cruise dodged those lasers 358 00:16:11,346 --> 00:16:12,764 in Impossible. 359 00:16:12,848 --> 00:16:16,059 Louise, Daniel is lucky as hell to have you. 360 00:16:16,143 --> 00:16:17,394 And this party is amazing. 361 00:16:17,477 --> 00:16:20,355 And if it makes you feel any better, I'm super jealous. 362 00:16:20,439 --> 00:16:22,232 Oh, Jenny, it does. 363 00:16:22,316 --> 00:16:23,525 Thank you. 364 00:16:24,443 --> 00:16:26,236 Jenny, you have a beautiful family 365 00:16:26,320 --> 00:16:29,198 that loves you, and you're so lucky to have Wayne. 366 00:16:29,281 --> 00:16:33,243 He brings you sliders, and he knows your pickle preferences. 367 00:16:33,327 --> 00:16:35,078 Thanks, Louise. 368 00:16:35,162 --> 00:16:36,914 Wayne is a sweetheart. 369 00:16:36,997 --> 00:16:39,041 I wanted you and Brenda to come here tonight, 370 00:16:39,124 --> 00:16:42,586 'cause the guest list is mostly Daniel's friends and family. 371 00:16:42,669 --> 00:16:44,963 I just wanted some friendly faces here. 372 00:16:45,047 --> 00:16:46,632 You need a little hug? 373 00:16:46,715 --> 00:16:49,384 I think I do. 374 00:16:49,468 --> 00:16:53,222 Now, can you pet my head like my grambie used to? 375 00:16:53,305 --> 00:16:54,681 Uh, like-like this? 376 00:16:54,765 --> 00:16:56,850 Slower. Smoother strokes. 377 00:16:56,934 --> 00:16:58,602 Like a cat. 378 00:17:02,898 --> 00:17:05,484 Okay, Louise, I think you need to just open up your mouth 379 00:17:05,567 --> 00:17:07,444 and tell Daniel that you deserve respect 380 00:17:07,528 --> 00:17:09,196 and you deserve love. 381 00:17:09,279 --> 00:17:12,032 You're right! I'm gonna go tell him right now. 382 00:17:12,115 --> 00:17:13,617 Uh-oh. Well, uh, no. 383 00:17:13,700 --> 00:17:15,327 Uh, maybe don't do it now, 384 00:17:15,410 --> 00:17:18,038 with a house full of snowed-in party guests. 385 00:17:30,217 --> 00:17:31,468 I'll raise you 50, 386 00:17:31,552 --> 00:17:34,471 and another 50 for calling me old. 387 00:17:34,555 --> 00:17:37,140 Betty, you are on me like self-tanner on a white couch. 388 00:17:37,224 --> 00:17:40,227 I'm all out of cash, so I'm gonna have to throw this in. 389 00:17:40,310 --> 00:17:42,938 This antique smoke show is gonna bust us all. 390 00:17:43,021 --> 00:17:44,857 Hey, Daniel, you in or out? 391 00:17:44,940 --> 00:17:49,194 Uh-oh. Looks like that little fishy just jumped off the hook. 392 00:17:50,529 --> 00:17:53,991 It's day 63 since the arrival of Frosty. 393 00:17:54,074 --> 00:17:56,827 Christmas as we know it has ceased to be. 394 00:17:56,910 --> 00:18:00,873 The cannibalism, well, that started almost immediately. 395 00:18:00,956 --> 00:18:02,124 -I can't believe 396 00:18:02,249 --> 00:18:03,542 what happened to Miss Beverly. 397 00:18:03,625 --> 00:18:05,419 Miss Beverly had it coming. 398 00:18:10,299 --> 00:18:12,009 Doo, doo-doo-doo. 399 00:18:12,092 --> 00:18:13,927 Daniel Everett Culp III, 400 00:18:14,011 --> 00:18:16,013 I have a bone to pick with you. 401 00:18:16,096 --> 00:18:17,848 -Oh, boy. -What? 402 00:18:17,931 --> 00:18:20,893 I may have accidentally told Louise to make a giant scene 403 00:18:20,976 --> 00:18:23,437 -at her party. -Oh, hell yeah! 404 00:18:23,520 --> 00:18:27,316 Daniel, I don't know what is going on with you lately, but... 405 00:18:29,610 --> 00:18:31,612 Oh, just when I was starting to think 406 00:18:31,695 --> 00:18:33,614 you were a Christmas Grinch, 407 00:18:33,697 --> 00:18:36,158 you go and corner me under the mistletoe? 408 00:18:36,241 --> 00:18:37,993 Daniel, shug, you can't just leave the table 409 00:18:38,076 --> 00:18:39,620 in the middle of a hand. 410 00:18:39,703 --> 00:18:40,787 Bad form. 411 00:18:40,871 --> 00:18:42,331 Get your buns back down here. 412 00:18:43,457 --> 00:18:46,168 Uh... mm... 413 00:18:51,381 --> 00:18:52,633 Hi, Jenny. 414 00:18:55,177 --> 00:18:56,512 Uh... 415 00:19:01,642 --> 00:19:02,893 -Ew. 416 00:19:02,976 --> 00:19:04,353 It's a Christmas miracle. 417 00:19:04,436 --> 00:19:06,980 More like Grossmas spewacle. 418 00:19:07,064 --> 00:19:08,774 Smooching won't get you out of this. 419 00:19:08,857 --> 00:19:10,108 Ooh. 420 00:19:10,192 --> 00:19:12,653 Daniel, so silly. 421 00:19:12,736 --> 00:19:14,738 Attention, everyone! 422 00:19:14,821 --> 00:19:16,740 'Twas the Night Before Christmas 423 00:19:16,823 --> 00:19:19,326 will be recited by my young protégé, 424 00:19:19,409 --> 00:19:22,246 - Wade Rock! - What? 425 00:19:22,329 --> 00:19:24,039 You can do it, Wade. 426 00:19:24,122 --> 00:19:26,542 Remember Love in an Elevator. 427 00:19:30,462 --> 00:19:32,172 ♪ 'Twas the night ♪ 428 00:19:32,256 --> 00:19:33,507 ♪ Before Christmas ♪ 429 00:19:33,590 --> 00:19:34,883 ♪ Not a creature was stirring ♪ 430 00:19:34,967 --> 00:19:36,176 ♪ Not even a mouse ♪ 431 00:19:36,260 --> 00:19:37,636 ♪ All the stockings were hung ♪ 432 00:19:37,719 --> 00:19:39,388 ♪ By the chimney with care ♪ 433 00:19:39,471 --> 00:19:41,390 ♪ In hopes that St. Nicholas would soon be ♪ 434 00:19:41,473 --> 00:19:46,603 ♪ There... ♪ 435 00:19:47,896 --> 00:19:49,815 It was just a toot! 436 00:19:52,651 --> 00:19:55,153 Delightful, Wade! 437 00:19:55,237 --> 00:19:56,530 You did it! 438 00:19:56,613 --> 00:19:58,073 Doo, doo-doo-doo, y'all. 439 00:19:58,156 --> 00:20:01,910 Now I'd like to express some Christmas gratitude. 440 00:20:01,994 --> 00:20:03,328 -Huh? 441 00:20:04,288 --> 00:20:05,622 Jenny, y'all, Brenda, 442 00:20:05,706 --> 00:20:09,251 here are your Christmas bonus checks. 443 00:20:09,334 --> 00:20:11,086 -And I'd just like to say 444 00:20:11,170 --> 00:20:13,881 that I'm so happy that it accidentally worked out 445 00:20:13,964 --> 00:20:16,133 that all of y'all happened to be here 446 00:20:16,216 --> 00:20:19,469 to share this wonderful, charitable moment with me. 447 00:20:19,553 --> 00:20:21,013 She just called us charity. 448 00:20:21,096 --> 00:20:22,681 This bitch. 449 00:20:24,183 --> 00:20:26,602 ♪ 'Twas the night before Christmas ♪ 450 00:20:26,685 --> 00:20:29,438 ♪ Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse ♪ 451 00:20:29,521 --> 00:20:32,357 ♪ All the stockings were hung by the chimney with care ♪ 452 00:20:32,441 --> 00:20:34,067 ♪ In the hopes that St. Nicholas would soon be ♪ 453 00:20:34,151 --> 00:20:38,113 ♪ There... ♪ 454 00:20:45,162 --> 00:20:47,581 Now it's a perfect Christmas. 455 00:20:47,664 --> 00:20:49,541 Ho, ho, ho, y'all. 456 00:20:49,625 --> 00:20:51,585 Those cheapskates didn't want to cash out my chips. 457 00:20:51,668 --> 00:20:53,837 But I did manage to get the cash equivalent, 458 00:20:53,921 --> 00:20:57,382 giving us the merriest Christmas ever. 459 00:20:57,466 --> 00:20:59,968 Oh-ho! The crystal bird! 460 00:21:00,052 --> 00:21:02,888 Evil Frosty the Snow Alien? 461 00:21:02,971 --> 00:21:05,557 Gram, thank you. I love it. 462 00:21:05,641 --> 00:21:09,228 No way. A gently worn polo and a Citizen watch? 463 00:21:09,311 --> 00:21:12,231 This'll go from work to play like a champ. Delightful. 464 00:21:12,314 --> 00:21:14,191 And a fresh set of AAs 465 00:21:14,274 --> 00:21:17,319 right out of Daniel's universal remote. 466 00:21:18,820 --> 00:21:22,157 That's right, y'all, we are bringing Saxy back. 467 00:21:22,241 --> 00:21:25,953 -Merry Christmas, everyone! -I love you guys. 34774

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