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Good evening, I'm MayKay Bueller.
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00:00:07,257 --> 00:00:08,425
Our top story tonight...
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00:00:08,509 --> 00:00:10,219
the rumors are true.
4
00:00:10,302 --> 00:00:12,763
We might be getting
a white Christmas this year, y'all!
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00:00:12,846 --> 00:00:14,598
Ooh-wee!
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00:00:14,681 --> 00:00:16,433
TV 12's Big Weathers has the details.
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00:00:16,517 --> 00:00:17,809
Uh, Big?
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00:00:17,893 --> 00:00:21,396
That's right, MayKay, there might be
the possibility of a winter storm
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00:00:21,480 --> 00:00:25,359
any time in the next 12 to 78 hours
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00:00:25,442 --> 00:00:26,860
or minutes
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00:00:26,944 --> 00:00:29,029
with estimates of precipitation
ranging anywhere
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00:00:29,112 --> 00:00:31,949
from zero to 26 inches.
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00:00:32,032 --> 00:00:33,325
with the chance of that being
14
00:00:33,408 --> 00:00:35,744
not very to very likely.
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00:00:35,827 --> 00:00:38,247
Keep us posted, Big, because as you know,
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as much as we southerners love snow,
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00:00:40,499 --> 00:00:42,543
we are not used to it.
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00:00:42,626 --> 00:00:44,753
Can you give us some pointers, Big?
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00:00:44,837 --> 00:00:47,339
First things first, you need supplies.
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So get to the grocery store immediately
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to buy bread and milk.
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00:00:51,260 --> 00:00:54,471
Otherwise you'll freeze
to death and starve, Big.
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Next, be on the lookout
for signs of frostbite...
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00:00:58,267 --> 00:00:59,351
Ooh-wee...
25
00:00:59,434 --> 00:01:01,395
-...whiteouts, and when driving,
26
00:01:01,478 --> 00:01:04,273
always assume you're on black ice.
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00:01:04,356 --> 00:01:05,732
The silent killer, Big.
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00:01:05,816 --> 00:01:08,986
Ooh-wee-wah-wah-woo-woo!
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Aw, remember this one?
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I never knew Santa had so many hobbies.
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Surfing, fishing... how does he find time
to do all this stuff?
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I'll tell you how.
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00:01:52,821 --> 00:01:55,032
Slave labor. That motorcycle right there?
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Built with the tears of indentured elves.
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Okay! Everyone get ready.
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00:01:59,286 --> 00:02:00,704
Here come the lights.
37
00:02:02,372 --> 00:02:03,457
You call that a tree?
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00:02:03,540 --> 00:02:05,584
Charlie Brown bullcrap.
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00:02:05,667 --> 00:02:08,378
Mother... go outside.
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What are you doing,
obsessing over some Christmas
41
00:02:13,217 --> 00:02:14,551
that we can't have?
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00:02:14,635 --> 00:02:18,055
I don't want you making Violet feel bad
about the Christmas we do have.
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00:02:18,138 --> 00:02:21,683
Well, you can try and wrap your hugs
and put 'em under the tree or some crap,
44
00:02:21,767 --> 00:02:25,145
but, Jenny, we both know that
little girl isn't gonna love you
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properly unless you bust her
stocking with some fancy gifts.
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00:02:29,191 --> 00:02:30,609
Well, Louise has been hinting
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that she's gonna
give us Christmas bonuses.
48
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Okay, well, don't you worry.
49
00:02:34,488 --> 00:02:36,782
Santa Betty's gonna provide this year.
50
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Look what I got in the mail.
51
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Oh, Lord, what's that?
52
00:02:40,285 --> 00:02:41,954
It's my bladder mesh settlement check!
53
00:02:42,037 --> 00:02:43,664
Christmas is on me!
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Get ready for the most luxury gifts.
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Brookstone's, Belk's,
Ferrero Rocher's chocolate balls!
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Just like when my mesh broke,
I am gonna make it rain.
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Look again.
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There might be 2,000 more checks in there.
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(TUNE OF JINGLE BELLS) ♪ Doo-doo-doo ♪
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♪ Doo-doo-doo, I have a surprise ♪
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Thank you, Louise.
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Oh, I need this so bad.
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What?
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Where the hell is the bonus?
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00:03:13,652 --> 00:03:15,696
"You are cordially invited
to Daniel and Louise Culp's
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"annual Christmas Extravaganza, colon,
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"a Festival of Joy, Lights,
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00:03:20,075 --> 00:03:21,910
"Merriment and Fellowship,
and Good Tidings.
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00:03:21,994 --> 00:03:24,621
"Have You Been Good, question mark.
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00:03:24,705 --> 00:03:27,708
Santa's Coming Party, exclamation point"?
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00:03:27,791 --> 00:03:30,127
Why is Daniel's head so big?
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00:03:30,210 --> 00:03:32,963
Oh, Daniel couldn't make
the photo shoot because he had
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a businessman meeting,
so I computer-shopped him in.
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Well, Louise, the Hart Family
has a pretty big blowout
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of our own planned.
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I cordially say, "Hell no."
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It's mandatory.
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♪ Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ♪
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Happy almost birthday!
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Hey, how old are you?
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Little hack for that...
just think what year it is,
82
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and that's how old I am.
83
00:03:56,862 --> 00:03:58,614
Do you have any big plans?
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00:03:58,697 --> 00:04:01,116
Well, I was hoping to just do,
you know, a simple Christmas
85
00:04:01,200 --> 00:04:04,244
at home with my family,
but Louise is making us
86
00:04:04,328 --> 00:04:07,372
go to her big, fancy-butt,
richie-rich Christmas party.
87
00:04:07,456 --> 00:04:08,832
Sounds like you've already
got something in your
88
00:04:08,916 --> 00:04:11,585
Christmas stocking... a lump of jealousy.
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00:04:11,668 --> 00:04:13,462
What? I'm not jealous.
90
00:04:13,545 --> 00:04:15,923
It's just that Louise's Christmas
is gonna be
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00:04:16,006 --> 00:04:18,133
so show-off amazing, it's gonna make
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00:04:18,217 --> 00:04:20,260
our dumb, little Christmas
look like a cold turd
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on a paper plate.
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00:04:21,803 --> 00:04:23,805
Well, okay, maybe I am a little jealous.
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00:04:23,889 --> 00:04:26,308
Feelings of jealousy
are completely normal.
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But don't let it ruin your Christmas.
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00:04:28,185 --> 00:04:29,937
I get jealous, too, you know.
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00:04:30,020 --> 00:04:32,481
You do?
Who could you possibly be jealous of?
99
00:04:32,564 --> 00:04:34,441
W-W-Wait, let me think, let me think.
100
00:04:34,525 --> 00:04:35,609
Criss Angel?
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00:04:35,692 --> 00:04:37,027
Did you say Criss Angel?
102
00:04:37,110 --> 00:04:38,612
No.
103
00:04:38,695 --> 00:04:40,030
I'm talking about Santa.
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00:04:40,113 --> 00:04:41,823
Swooping in on my birthday,
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handing out gifts
like some cool weekend dad.
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00:04:45,160 --> 00:04:47,204
Wait, should I be jealous of Criss Angel?
107
00:04:47,287 --> 00:04:49,206
No, I mean, I mean, I don't think so.
108
00:04:49,289 --> 00:04:51,917
That should have been a way more
definitive answer, Jenny.
109
00:04:52,000 --> 00:04:53,752
That's not even his real name, you know?
110
00:04:53,836 --> 00:04:55,337
It's Christopher Nicholas Sarantakos.
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00:04:55,420 --> 00:04:57,297
Say that when your plane's going down.
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Hmm, come on!
I need a Christmas miracle.
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00:05:01,677 --> 00:05:03,846
Think, Betty, think.
114
00:05:03,929 --> 00:05:06,390
Scratchers, returns, Kohl's Cash?
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00:05:06,473 --> 00:05:08,225
No, got to think outside the box.
116
00:05:08,308 --> 00:05:11,728
Biology...
selling blood, stealing kidneys?
117
00:05:11,812 --> 00:05:13,647
Sleight of hand? Fake my own death?
118
00:05:13,730 --> 00:05:15,148
Social Security fraud?
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00:05:15,232 --> 00:05:17,109
Selling secrets, treason?
120
00:05:17,192 --> 00:05:18,610
-Gram? Gram!
121
00:05:18,694 --> 00:05:21,905
Are you okay? You were mumbling
"treason" to yourself again.
122
00:05:21,989 --> 00:05:25,617
No, I am not okay! I can't do another
discount Dollar Tree Christmas!
123
00:05:25,701 --> 00:05:27,077
Well, suck it up, Mother.
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Our Christmas is gonna be great as soon
as we get back from pretending
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00:05:30,581 --> 00:05:33,083
to enjoy Louise's Christmas party.
126
00:05:33,166 --> 00:05:36,211
Is this gonna be a Sunday School
"cookies and Kool-Aid" type of deal?
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Should I bring my own beers?
128
00:05:37,713 --> 00:05:39,840
No, there's an open bar.
129
00:05:39,923 --> 00:05:42,384
It's gonna be a richie-rich nightmare.
130
00:05:45,387 --> 00:05:47,848
To see how people
are preparing for the storm,
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let's join MayKay at Harris Teeter.
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Big, shelves have been picked bare,
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as people stock up on essentials.
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The milk is completely gone,
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-even powdered and condensed.
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00:05:58,775 --> 00:06:00,068
And in the bread aisle,
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00:06:00,152 --> 00:06:02,696
all that's left is the diabetes bread.
138
00:06:02,779 --> 00:06:04,823
My doctor's been telling me
to eat that for years,
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00:06:04,907 --> 00:06:07,826
but I would rather starve to death
under ten feet of ice, MayKay.
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Ooh-wee-wow!
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Thanks again for coming
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to this stupid party.
143
00:06:14,708 --> 00:06:16,210
Let's just hope it isn't too lame.
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00:06:16,293 --> 00:06:19,296
What? I bet you can
see this from space.
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00:06:19,379 --> 00:06:21,715
Dang, all that's missing
is the Polar Express.
146
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-
Nope.
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They got that, too.
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00:06:25,844 --> 00:06:28,305
That conductor's
not actually Tom Hanks, right?
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00:06:28,388 --> 00:06:30,057
Tom!
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He looked over.
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Just leave the car up front.
We won't be staying long.
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I was told to park all vehicles
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00:06:39,274 --> 00:06:40,734
with truck nuts around back.
154
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-That's fair.
-Rude.
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Here he comes again... Tom!
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Ah, he's working.
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00:06:54,414 --> 00:06:56,375
Now, this is the Christmas we deserve!
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-Mother!
-Oh, my God.
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00:06:58,460 --> 00:07:01,255
It's the biggest littlest town
I've ever seen!
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00:07:01,338 --> 00:07:02,923
I've seen bigger... and littler.
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00:07:03,006 --> 00:07:06,093
I mean, I guess it's cute
in a gross, show-offy kind of way.
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00:07:06,176 --> 00:07:09,888
Doo, doo-doo-doo.
Welcome to the East Pole, y'all,
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00:07:09,972 --> 00:07:12,724
from me and my head elf Daniel.
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Daniel, come say hi.
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00:07:15,018 --> 00:07:17,771
Daniel, y'all, where is your elf hat?
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He has this elf hat I bought him
that he just loves.
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00:07:21,191 --> 00:07:23,735
Baby, look, they have
teeny, tiny hamburgers.
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00:07:23,819 --> 00:07:25,112
They made 'em elf-sized for Christmas.
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00:07:25,195 --> 00:07:26,738
I got you one already.
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00:07:26,822 --> 00:07:28,365
I ate the pickles
'cause I know you hate 'em.
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00:07:28,448 --> 00:07:29,825
Oh, you're so sweet.
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00:07:29,908 --> 00:07:31,743
But, remember,
we got that cheeseball at home.
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00:07:31,827 --> 00:07:34,162
Daniel, bring me some chips.
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00:07:34,246 --> 00:07:36,206
You know the kind I like.
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00:07:38,125 --> 00:07:40,836
He's going to get the kind I like.
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00:07:40,919 --> 00:07:42,838
And guess what else.
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We have a very special celebrity
guest coming tonight.
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00:07:46,925 --> 00:07:49,136
Ian David Cole.
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00:07:49,219 --> 00:07:50,846
Oh, I don't think we're gonna
be able to stay for...
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00:07:50,929 --> 00:07:54,141
Greenpoint Community Theater's
own Ian David Cole?
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00:07:54,224 --> 00:07:56,935
His bluegrass production
of The Elephant Man changed my life.
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00:07:57,019 --> 00:07:59,146
Get ready to shake his hand, Wayne.
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00:07:59,229 --> 00:08:02,024
After he does his annual recitation
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00:08:02,107 --> 00:08:05,986
of 'Twas the Night Before Christmas.
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00:08:06,069 --> 00:08:08,530
-Louise saw me. Let's get out of here.
-But Ian David Cole.
186
00:08:08,614 --> 00:08:10,741
A mini-town bigger than our living room.
187
00:08:10,824 --> 00:08:13,410
-Free shrimp.
-And Ian David Cole.
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00:08:13,493 --> 00:08:17,164
No. That delicious cheeseball
isn't gonna dip Triscuits into itself.
189
00:08:17,247 --> 00:08:20,000
-Now let's go.
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00:08:36,433 --> 00:08:38,769
-Snow!
-We need bread and milk!
191
00:08:38,852 --> 00:08:41,438
Why didn't we get bread and milk yet?
192
00:08:41,522 --> 00:08:44,066
-Look out for black ice.
-Steer into the skid!
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00:08:44,149 --> 00:08:46,193
Drive faster. We got to beat the storm.
194
00:08:46,276 --> 00:08:48,028
No, you steer away from the skid.
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00:08:48,111 --> 00:08:49,530
That's not what I was taught.
196
00:08:49,613 --> 00:08:51,907
Dawn, you're going too fast.
197
00:08:51,990 --> 00:08:54,368
They changed it a few years ago.
198
00:08:54,451 --> 00:08:56,286
-No way.
-Hand to God.
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00:08:56,370 --> 00:08:57,871
My foot's on the brake!
200
00:09:06,338 --> 00:09:08,340
You're not going anywhere in this.
201
00:09:11,009 --> 00:09:13,929
Oh, my Lord. Tom Hanks, no!
202
00:09:18,559 --> 00:09:20,686
Well, it looks like
the dream of a white Christmas
203
00:09:20,769 --> 00:09:23,021
has turned into a nightmare.
204
00:09:23,105 --> 00:09:26,859
This is the scene right now
on Elmwood Avenue. MayKay?
205
00:09:26,942 --> 00:09:31,280
Thanks, Big. Well, we are standing here
with the Mayor Webb,
206
00:09:31,363 --> 00:09:33,699
who came down here to survey the accident.
207
00:09:33,782 --> 00:09:35,701
You just speak right into the top of this.
208
00:09:35,784 --> 00:09:38,120
Oh, I didn't come here to survey it.
I was in it.
209
00:09:38,203 --> 00:09:39,538
I was fully in the accident.
210
00:09:39,621 --> 00:09:41,331
-I'm bleeding.
-You're fine.
211
00:09:41,415 --> 00:09:46,003
Now, Mayor, I'm told there is a salt truck
coming down from Kentucky?
212
00:09:46,086 --> 00:09:48,213
You just speak into
the business end right here.
213
00:09:48,297 --> 00:09:50,090
I tried to call a salt truck.
214
00:09:50,174 --> 00:09:52,509
There was just a Hispanic
outgoing message,
215
00:09:52,593 --> 00:09:54,845
and it went straight to voice mail.
216
00:09:54,928 --> 00:09:57,848
Did you try a different
salt truck company?
217
00:09:57,931 --> 00:10:00,767
You just talk right there.
This-this picks up the sound.
218
00:10:00,851 --> 00:10:03,645
No, MayKay, I don't know
other salt truck companies.
219
00:10:03,729 --> 00:10:05,522
You think when you become mayor,
they just give you
220
00:10:05,606 --> 00:10:07,774
a magical list
of all the salt truck companies
221
00:10:07,858 --> 00:10:09,359
-in the world?
222
00:10:09,443 --> 00:10:12,446
I'm making snow devils, baby.
223
00:10:12,529 --> 00:10:14,990
-I'm pinned!
-Big?
224
00:10:16,950 --> 00:10:19,328
Oh, this is perfect. We're snowed in.
225
00:10:19,411 --> 00:10:22,748
It's so perfect. We're snowed in.
226
00:10:22,831 --> 00:10:26,668
Now, before you panic,
we do have both bread and milk.
227
00:10:26,752 --> 00:10:28,670
Isn't this romantic, y'all?
228
00:10:28,754 --> 00:10:32,299
Everyone, just grab your partner
and get Christmas cozy.
229
00:10:32,382 --> 00:10:34,801
I know I'm about to. Daniel?
230
00:10:34,885 --> 00:10:36,803
Okay, I'll find him.
231
00:10:36,887 --> 00:10:38,805
Part of me feels sorry for her,
232
00:10:38,889 --> 00:10:41,475
but most of me just wants to
drink her out of house and home.
233
00:10:41,558 --> 00:10:43,519
Good thing the human body's
got two livers,
234
00:10:43,602 --> 00:10:45,979
and we only need one.
235
00:10:46,063 --> 00:10:47,981
Brenda, I told you that's kidneys.
236
00:10:48,065 --> 00:10:50,025
You sound like my professors
at nursing school.
237
00:10:50,108 --> 00:10:53,237
Hold on, do you have a loose meatball
rolling around in your pocketbook?
238
00:10:53,320 --> 00:10:57,574
Oh, I got a baker's dozen loose
meatballs in my pocketbook.
239
00:10:57,658 --> 00:10:59,451
You got your meats,
then you got your crudités,
240
00:10:59,535 --> 00:11:01,954
iced pocket for shrimps,
and the bottom is just a lake
241
00:11:02,037 --> 00:11:03,830
of various sauces and dips.
242
00:11:03,914 --> 00:11:06,166
I'm getting my bonus one way or another.
243
00:11:06,250 --> 00:11:07,626
Well, look, if we're gonna
be stuck at this party,
244
00:11:07,709 --> 00:11:09,294
we might as well make the best of it.
Right?
245
00:11:09,378 --> 00:11:11,964
Pound some food, drink a ton,
and go anger-snooping.
246
00:11:12,047 --> 00:11:15,133
If we find some Louise dirt,
we'll feel so much better.
247
00:11:15,217 --> 00:11:16,426
You had me at anger-pooping.
248
00:11:16,510 --> 00:11:19,513
"Merry Christmas, Louise.
There's a doody in your dryer."
249
00:11:19,596 --> 00:11:21,682
No, I said anger-snooping.
250
00:11:21,765 --> 00:11:26,436
I know. I was just kidding
about anger-pooping.
251
00:11:26,520 --> 00:11:28,272
I'm not an animal, Jenny.
252
00:11:30,232 --> 00:11:31,859
Bweep, bweep, bweep.
253
00:11:31,942 --> 00:11:33,610
"Oh, no. Aliens."
254
00:11:33,694 --> 00:11:36,113
"I'm your tiny leader Frosty."
255
00:11:36,196 --> 00:11:38,532
"Kill it before it kills us first."
256
00:11:38,615 --> 00:11:40,909
"Oh, God, it's shooting me
with a freeze ray.
257
00:11:40,993 --> 00:11:43,078
"Oh! Oh, all my limbs are coming off!
258
00:11:43,161 --> 00:11:44,621
"Oh, it burns.
259
00:11:44,705 --> 00:11:48,208
I love my limbs. Not my limbs."
260
00:11:48,292 --> 00:11:51,044
Doo, doo-doo-doo. Sad news, y'all.
261
00:11:51,128 --> 00:11:55,048
I'm afraid Ian David Cole
was not able to make it
262
00:11:55,132 --> 00:11:56,800
'cause of the snow.
263
00:11:56,884 --> 00:11:58,594
Damn it! No!
264
00:11:58,677 --> 00:12:00,804
-Or was I?
265
00:12:00,888 --> 00:12:04,141
I've been here all night.
266
00:12:04,224 --> 00:12:06,059
Holy what?
267
00:12:06,143 --> 00:12:09,730
Life is a stage, and the stage is my life.
268
00:12:09,813 --> 00:12:12,149
And you are my co-stars.
269
00:12:12,232 --> 00:12:15,068
Give yourselves a round of applause.
270
00:12:15,152 --> 00:12:18,488
Friggin' theater's Ian David Cole.
271
00:12:19,406 --> 00:12:22,117
Think, Betty, think.
Focus.
272
00:12:22,201 --> 00:12:24,369
Vase, crystal,
273
00:12:24,453 --> 00:12:28,916
silverware, case of wine,
sugar daddy, chandelier.
274
00:12:28,999 --> 00:12:30,959
Find your hustle. Where is it?
275
00:12:32,252 --> 00:12:34,004
Cigar smoke.
276
00:12:36,548 --> 00:12:37,633
Bingo.
277
00:12:37,716 --> 00:12:39,885
No, we aren't playing bingo.
278
00:12:39,968 --> 00:12:42,137
We're helping Daniel hide
from his ball and chain.
279
00:12:42,221 --> 00:12:44,681
-Hey, aren't you Jenny Hart's mama?
-Sure am.
280
00:12:44,765 --> 00:12:46,350
You got a good-looking daughter, Ms. Hart.
281
00:12:46,433 --> 00:12:48,352
You look good, too, for an old.
282
00:12:48,435 --> 00:12:50,771
Oh, that's so sweet of you to say.
283
00:12:50,854 --> 00:12:52,981
Can I play? I got cash.
284
00:12:53,065 --> 00:12:54,566
Kohl hard cash.
285
00:12:57,027 --> 00:12:58,946
Oh, my Lord, she is priceless.
286
00:12:59,029 --> 00:13:00,781
Dare I even say hot?
287
00:13:00,864 --> 00:13:03,659
I say we let this ancient cutie sit in.
288
00:13:05,994 --> 00:13:08,914
Okay, now what's the difference
289
00:13:08,997 --> 00:13:11,750
between the pointy shovels
and the bumpy shovels?
290
00:13:14,753 --> 00:13:17,256
Look at all this dumb crap
that could've been our bonuses.
291
00:13:17,339 --> 00:13:19,591
A crystal bird? What's that even for?
292
00:13:19,675 --> 00:13:21,718
-This bitch.
-A mahogany box
293
00:13:21,802 --> 00:13:22,928
with nothing in it?
294
00:13:23,011 --> 00:13:24,972
This beotch.
295
00:13:25,055 --> 00:13:26,056
This bitch.
296
00:13:26,139 --> 00:13:28,392
This beotch. This bish.
297
00:13:28,976 --> 00:13:30,727
This bitch!
298
00:13:30,811 --> 00:13:33,647
I've seen every production
you've ever done, Ian David Cole.
299
00:13:33,730 --> 00:13:35,357
I loved your musical version
300
00:13:35,440 --> 00:13:37,484
of The Odd Couple
where you played both characters.
301
00:13:37,568 --> 00:13:40,112
Delightful.
302
00:13:40,195 --> 00:13:42,906
Why haven't you tried out
for anything, Wade?
303
00:13:42,990 --> 00:13:45,242
Oh, yeah, it's Wayne, with an "N."
304
00:13:45,325 --> 00:13:47,411
No, it isn't. It's Wade.
305
00:13:47,494 --> 00:13:49,246
Wade Rock.
306
00:13:49,329 --> 00:13:53,083
That will be your stage name
when you join me onstage.
307
00:13:53,166 --> 00:13:56,962
You have a real presence. I can feel it.
308
00:13:57,045 --> 00:14:00,591
Oh, no. I-I love watching theater,
but I can't do it.
309
00:14:00,674 --> 00:14:03,510
The one time I tried it,
I really dookied the bed.
310
00:14:03,594 --> 00:14:04,887
Oh-ho-ho-ho, Wade.
311
00:14:04,970 --> 00:14:07,389
Don't talk about my friend Wade like that.
312
00:14:07,472 --> 00:14:10,434
I'm sure you were wonderful.
313
00:14:10,517 --> 00:14:13,604
No. I mean I really dookied the bed.
314
00:14:14,479 --> 00:14:16,773
Oh, Smee, what a rogue and peasant...
315
00:14:18,609 --> 00:14:19,651
Oh, no.
316
00:14:20,694 --> 00:14:22,029
Oh, my God.
317
00:14:22,988 --> 00:14:24,948
So, yeah, I literally dookied the bed.
318
00:14:25,032 --> 00:14:27,492
Onstage, in front of everyone.
319
00:14:27,576 --> 00:14:30,120
Ha-ha! That's not delightful.
320
00:14:30,204 --> 00:14:32,831
I got so nervous trying
to remember all those lines.
321
00:14:32,915 --> 00:14:36,126
Wade, you've got to get back
on that stage.
322
00:14:36,210 --> 00:14:39,129
Otherwise, the dookie wins.
323
00:14:39,213 --> 00:14:40,631
I could teach you.
324
00:14:40,714 --> 00:14:41,965
Oh, I don't know.
325
00:14:42,049 --> 00:14:45,552
You remember the lyrics
to your favorite songs, don't you?
326
00:14:45,636 --> 00:14:47,221
♪ Love in an elevator ♪
327
00:14:47,304 --> 00:14:48,680
Hell yeah.
328
00:14:48,764 --> 00:14:50,224
Delightful!
329
00:14:50,307 --> 00:14:52,851
You just acted!
330
00:14:52,935 --> 00:14:53,977
Delightful!
331
00:14:56,104 --> 00:14:59,942
I have no idea
how I'm winning all these...
332
00:15:00,025 --> 00:15:01,485
what are they called, chips?
333
00:15:01,568 --> 00:15:03,737
Okay, you're big blind, little blind.
Let's see the flop.
334
00:15:06,990 --> 00:15:08,283
Oh, would you look at this bed.
335
00:15:08,367 --> 00:15:10,285
There's probably $10,000 worth of pillows.
336
00:15:10,369 --> 00:15:13,038
-Bonus! Bonus! Bonus!
-Bitch! Bitch! Bitch!
337
00:15:13,121 --> 00:15:14,790
No luck in her drawers.
338
00:15:14,873 --> 00:15:17,209
Ooh, I can't wait to see
how many trillions of dollars
339
00:15:17,292 --> 00:15:18,502
of purses she's got.
340
00:15:23,215 --> 00:15:24,216
Anything good in there?
341
00:15:24,299 --> 00:15:25,759
No, no. Uh, false alarm.
342
00:15:25,843 --> 00:15:27,678
Uh, but I think I did see some Adderall
343
00:15:27,761 --> 00:15:29,263
in the kids' Jack N Jill bathroom.
344
00:15:29,346 --> 00:15:32,474
Jackpot!
Someone's gonna pass her nursing test.
345
00:15:39,314 --> 00:15:41,942
Hey, Louise...
346
00:15:42,025 --> 00:15:44,862
This party is a disaster.
347
00:15:44,945 --> 00:15:46,113
Sorry, what?
348
00:15:46,196 --> 00:15:48,073
This party.
349
00:15:48,156 --> 00:15:50,909
It's just a big ol' sparkly ol' Band-Aid
350
00:15:50,993 --> 00:15:52,911
on a nasty secret wound.
351
00:15:52,995 --> 00:15:54,329
Is it?
352
00:15:54,413 --> 00:15:56,790
All appearances to the contrary,
353
00:15:56,874 --> 00:16:00,460
things are not great
between me and Daniel.
354
00:16:00,544 --> 00:16:02,880
What?
355
00:16:02,963 --> 00:16:06,049
At the very least,
I thought if I put up a ton of mistletoe,
356
00:16:06,133 --> 00:16:07,718
maybe Daniel would give me a kiss,
357
00:16:07,801 --> 00:16:11,263
but he's dodging mistletoe
like Tom Cruise dodged those lasers
358
00:16:11,346 --> 00:16:12,764
in Impossible.
359
00:16:12,848 --> 00:16:16,059
Louise, Daniel is lucky as hell
to have you.
360
00:16:16,143 --> 00:16:17,394
And this party is amazing.
361
00:16:17,477 --> 00:16:20,355
And if it makes you feel any better,
I'm super jealous.
362
00:16:20,439 --> 00:16:22,232
Oh, Jenny, it does.
363
00:16:22,316 --> 00:16:23,525
Thank you.
364
00:16:24,443 --> 00:16:26,236
Jenny, you have a beautiful family
365
00:16:26,320 --> 00:16:29,198
that loves you,
and you're so lucky to have Wayne.
366
00:16:29,281 --> 00:16:33,243
He brings you sliders,
and he knows your pickle preferences.
367
00:16:33,327 --> 00:16:35,078
Thanks, Louise.
368
00:16:35,162 --> 00:16:36,914
Wayne is a sweetheart.
369
00:16:36,997 --> 00:16:39,041
I wanted you and Brenda
to come here tonight,
370
00:16:39,124 --> 00:16:42,586
'cause the guest list is mostly
Daniel's friends and family.
371
00:16:42,669 --> 00:16:44,963
I just wanted some friendly faces here.
372
00:16:45,047 --> 00:16:46,632
You need a little hug?
373
00:16:46,715 --> 00:16:49,384
I think I do.
374
00:16:49,468 --> 00:16:53,222
Now, can you pet my head
like my grambie used to?
375
00:16:53,305 --> 00:16:54,681
Uh, like-like this?
376
00:16:54,765 --> 00:16:56,850
Slower. Smoother strokes.
377
00:16:56,934 --> 00:16:58,602
Like a cat.
378
00:17:02,898 --> 00:17:05,484
Okay, Louise, I think you need
to just open up your mouth
379
00:17:05,567 --> 00:17:07,444
and tell Daniel that you deserve respect
380
00:17:07,528 --> 00:17:09,196
and you deserve love.
381
00:17:09,279 --> 00:17:12,032
You're right!
I'm gonna go tell him right now.
382
00:17:12,115 --> 00:17:13,617
Uh-oh. Well, uh, no.
383
00:17:13,700 --> 00:17:15,327
Uh, maybe don't do it now,
384
00:17:15,410 --> 00:17:18,038
with a house full of snowed-in
party guests.
385
00:17:30,217 --> 00:17:31,468
I'll raise you 50,
386
00:17:31,552 --> 00:17:34,471
and another 50 for calling me old.
387
00:17:34,555 --> 00:17:37,140
Betty, you are on me like
self-tanner on a white couch.
388
00:17:37,224 --> 00:17:40,227
I'm all out of cash,
so I'm gonna have to throw this in.
389
00:17:40,310 --> 00:17:42,938
This antique smoke show
is gonna bust us all.
390
00:17:43,021 --> 00:17:44,857
Hey, Daniel, you in or out?
391
00:17:44,940 --> 00:17:49,194
Uh-oh. Looks like that little fishy
just jumped off the hook.
392
00:17:50,529 --> 00:17:53,991
It's day 63
since the arrival of Frosty.
393
00:17:54,074 --> 00:17:56,827
Christmas as we know it has ceased to be.
394
00:17:56,910 --> 00:18:00,873
The cannibalism, well,
that started almost immediately.
395
00:18:00,956 --> 00:18:02,124
-I can't believe
396
00:18:02,249 --> 00:18:03,542
what happened to Miss Beverly.
397
00:18:03,625 --> 00:18:05,419
Miss Beverly had it coming.
398
00:18:10,299 --> 00:18:12,009
Doo, doo-doo-doo.
399
00:18:12,092 --> 00:18:13,927
Daniel Everett Culp III,
400
00:18:14,011 --> 00:18:16,013
I have a bone to pick with you.
401
00:18:16,096 --> 00:18:17,848
-Oh, boy.
-What?
402
00:18:17,931 --> 00:18:20,893
I may have accidentally told
Louise to make a giant scene
403
00:18:20,976 --> 00:18:23,437
-at her party.
-Oh, hell yeah!
404
00:18:23,520 --> 00:18:27,316
Daniel, I don't know what is
going on with you lately, but...
405
00:18:29,610 --> 00:18:31,612
Oh, just when I was starting to think
406
00:18:31,695 --> 00:18:33,614
you were a Christmas Grinch,
407
00:18:33,697 --> 00:18:36,158
you go and corner me under the mistletoe?
408
00:18:36,241 --> 00:18:37,993
Daniel, shug,
you can't just leave the table
409
00:18:38,076 --> 00:18:39,620
in the middle of a hand.
410
00:18:39,703 --> 00:18:40,787
Bad form.
411
00:18:40,871 --> 00:18:42,331
Get your buns back down here.
412
00:18:43,457 --> 00:18:46,168
Uh... mm...
413
00:18:51,381 --> 00:18:52,633
Hi, Jenny.
414
00:18:55,177 --> 00:18:56,512
Uh...
415
00:19:01,642 --> 00:19:02,893
-Ew.
416
00:19:02,976 --> 00:19:04,353
It's a Christmas miracle.
417
00:19:04,436 --> 00:19:06,980
More like Grossmas spewacle.
418
00:19:07,064 --> 00:19:08,774
Smooching won't get you out of this.
419
00:19:08,857 --> 00:19:10,108
Ooh.
420
00:19:10,192 --> 00:19:12,653
Daniel, so silly.
421
00:19:12,736 --> 00:19:14,738
Attention, everyone!
422
00:19:14,821 --> 00:19:16,740
'Twas the Night Before Christmas
423
00:19:16,823 --> 00:19:19,326
will be recited by my young protégé,
424
00:19:19,409 --> 00:19:22,246
- Wade Rock!
- What?
425
00:19:22,329 --> 00:19:24,039
You can do it, Wade.
426
00:19:24,122 --> 00:19:26,542
Remember Love in an Elevator.
427
00:19:30,462 --> 00:19:32,172
♪ 'Twas the night ♪
428
00:19:32,256 --> 00:19:33,507
♪ Before Christmas ♪
429
00:19:33,590 --> 00:19:34,883
♪ Not a creature was stirring ♪
430
00:19:34,967 --> 00:19:36,176
♪ Not even a mouse ♪
431
00:19:36,260 --> 00:19:37,636
♪ All the stockings were hung ♪
432
00:19:37,719 --> 00:19:39,388
♪ By the chimney with care ♪
433
00:19:39,471 --> 00:19:41,390
♪ In hopes that St. Nicholas
would soon be ♪
434
00:19:41,473 --> 00:19:46,603
♪ There... ♪
435
00:19:47,896 --> 00:19:49,815
It was just a toot!
436
00:19:52,651 --> 00:19:55,153
Delightful, Wade!
437
00:19:55,237 --> 00:19:56,530
You did it!
438
00:19:56,613 --> 00:19:58,073
Doo, doo-doo-doo, y'all.
439
00:19:58,156 --> 00:20:01,910
Now I'd like to express
some Christmas gratitude.
440
00:20:01,994 --> 00:20:03,328
-Huh?
441
00:20:04,288 --> 00:20:05,622
Jenny, y'all, Brenda,
442
00:20:05,706 --> 00:20:09,251
here are your Christmas bonus checks.
443
00:20:09,334 --> 00:20:11,086
-And I'd just like to say
444
00:20:11,170 --> 00:20:13,881
that I'm so happy
that it accidentally worked out
445
00:20:13,964 --> 00:20:16,133
that all of y'all happened to be here
446
00:20:16,216 --> 00:20:19,469
to share this wonderful,
charitable moment with me.
447
00:20:19,553 --> 00:20:21,013
She just called us charity.
448
00:20:21,096 --> 00:20:22,681
This bitch.
449
00:20:24,183 --> 00:20:26,602
♪ 'Twas the night before Christmas ♪
450
00:20:26,685 --> 00:20:29,438
♪ Not a creature was stirring,
not even a mouse ♪
451
00:20:29,521 --> 00:20:32,357
♪ All the stockings were hung
by the chimney with care ♪
452
00:20:32,441 --> 00:20:34,067
♪ In the hopes that St. Nicholas
would soon be ♪
453
00:20:34,151 --> 00:20:38,113
♪ There... ♪
454
00:20:45,162 --> 00:20:47,581
Now it's a perfect Christmas.
455
00:20:47,664 --> 00:20:49,541
Ho, ho, ho, y'all.
456
00:20:49,625 --> 00:20:51,585
Those cheapskates didn't want
to cash out my chips.
457
00:20:51,668 --> 00:20:53,837
But I did manage to get
the cash equivalent,
458
00:20:53,921 --> 00:20:57,382
giving us the merriest Christmas ever.
459
00:20:57,466 --> 00:20:59,968
Oh-ho! The crystal bird!
460
00:21:00,052 --> 00:21:02,888
Evil Frosty the Snow Alien?
461
00:21:02,971 --> 00:21:05,557
Gram, thank you. I love it.
462
00:21:05,641 --> 00:21:09,228
No way. A gently worn polo
and a Citizen watch?
463
00:21:09,311 --> 00:21:12,231
This'll go from work to play like a champ.
Delightful.
464
00:21:12,314 --> 00:21:14,191
And a fresh set of AAs
465
00:21:14,274 --> 00:21:17,319
right out of Daniel's universal remote.
466
00:21:18,820 --> 00:21:22,157
That's right, y'all,
we are bringing Saxy back.
467
00:21:22,241 --> 00:21:25,953
-Merry Christmas, everyone!
-I love you guys.
34774
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