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1
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So, it's almost Thanksgiving.
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00:00:09,676 --> 00:00:11,261
And you know what that means...
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00:00:11,345 --> 00:00:13,222
Black Friday Eve!
4
00:00:13,305 --> 00:00:14,723
What are you gonna buy?
5
00:00:14,806 --> 00:00:17,518
Violet doesn't want to do
our normal thing this year.
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00:00:17,601 --> 00:00:19,102
She's got some crazy idea
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00:00:19,186 --> 00:00:20,979
of doing something different
this Thanksgiving.
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00:00:21,063 --> 00:00:24,441
Oh, Violet and her beautiful,
wild imagination.
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00:00:24,525 --> 00:00:25,943
So what does she want to do?
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00:00:26,026 --> 00:00:28,654
She thinks we should just sit around
and eat a big turkey dinner
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and talk to each other and give thanks.
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What?
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I know, right? Violet doesn't get
what Thanksgiving's really about,
14
00:00:35,035 --> 00:00:36,662
wolfing down your food as fast as you can,
15
00:00:36,745 --> 00:00:38,121
freezing your ass off in line
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00:00:38,205 --> 00:00:39,831
at the Mega Lo Mart until midnight,
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00:00:39,915 --> 00:00:42,125
and then stampeding in to fight
your friends and neighbors
18
00:00:42,209 --> 00:00:44,920
for unheard-of savings
on brand-name products.
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00:00:45,003 --> 00:00:48,131
Oh, I'm gonna miss it so bad this year.
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00:00:48,215 --> 00:00:50,425
But I guess we'll just
do a traditional Thanksgiving.
21
00:00:50,509 --> 00:00:52,803
You know what drives me a little crazy
about Thanksgiving?
22
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No one thinks about their grace
until the last minute,
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and then it's just all over the place.
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It's like spiritual tax day,
and I'm the only accountant.
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00:01:01,728 --> 00:01:03,564
Not to mention the fact
that everyone starts with,
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00:01:03,647 --> 00:01:05,190
"Thank you, Lord,
for this wonderful meal,"
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00:01:05,274 --> 00:01:07,067
and that's the one part I didn't do.
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00:01:07,150 --> 00:01:09,319
It's like, thank
your freakin' mom, people.
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-Preach!
-I am.
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Mm.
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Ah.
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Isn't this lovely?
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Doesn't it feel nice
to just sit down together?
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Share this very nice meal?
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-Hmm.
36
00:02:03,207 --> 00:02:05,209
This is already better
than wrestling with strangers
37
00:02:05,292 --> 00:02:07,044
over a robot vacuum cleaner.
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00:02:07,127 --> 00:02:08,128
Oh! Are those on sale?
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00:02:08,212 --> 00:02:10,047
-Mom...
Yep.
40
00:02:10,130 --> 00:02:12,799
Feels great to do it your way
this year, Violet.
41
00:02:14,176 --> 00:02:16,970
-Does it?
-Mmm, Bible, Bible, Bible, Bible.
42
00:02:17,054 --> 00:02:18,931
John's 3:16s.
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Holy Ghost.
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00:02:21,016 --> 00:02:22,601
Oh, Lord, just let me have a taste
45
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of my sweet, sweet door busters circular.
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00:02:24,561 --> 00:02:26,146
Crock-Pots are buy one get one free.
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00:02:26,230 --> 00:02:28,148
I'll tell you what's a crock,
this Thanksgiving.
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Practically everything's half off.
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Martha Stewart bedspreads...
50
00:02:32,277 --> 00:02:34,696
Pleat-front cargo capris
by Michael Kors...
51
00:02:34,780 --> 00:02:37,115
Over-the-ear noise-cancelling
headphones by Skullcandy.
52
00:02:37,199 --> 00:02:38,534
Oh, come on, you guys.
53
00:02:38,617 --> 00:02:41,370
See you never,
Jean Naté After-Bath Splash
54
00:02:41,453 --> 00:02:44,665
with Moisture Replenishing
Complex Gift Set by Jovan.
55
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Okay.
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00:02:46,708 --> 00:02:48,460
Well, let us pray.
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Dear Heavenly Father...
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Please bless us, this beautiful family.
59
00:02:54,383 --> 00:02:56,844
And, Lord, please bless our loved ones
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00:02:56,927 --> 00:02:58,846
who have passed on.
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00:02:58,929 --> 00:03:00,389
-Let's see...
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00:03:00,472 --> 00:03:04,852
George Michaels,
Jim Varney, aka "Hey, Vern."
63
00:03:04,935 --> 00:03:06,812
Um, who else... Who else?
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00:03:06,895 --> 00:03:09,231
Oh, Mork from Ork. Sears,
65
00:03:09,314 --> 00:03:11,525
Roy Clarkson, oh, Macho Randy Savage,
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Princess Leias, of course.
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00:03:13,694 --> 00:03:15,821
Let's see, what else?
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00:03:15,904 --> 00:03:17,656
I'm thankful that stars are just like us.
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00:03:17,739 --> 00:03:19,658
-I'm thankful for those who wore it best.
-Just say amen. Just say amen.
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00:03:19,741 --> 00:03:21,201
-Amen, Mother. Say amen.
-And praying for those who did not.
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-Amen. Say amen.
-Plus, bless our troops.
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May this be their last year
in the Middle East.
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00:03:26,206 --> 00:03:27,749
And please, please,
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00:03:27,833 --> 00:03:31,170
bring Randy Quaid back to us, how he was.
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Thank you, amen.
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00:03:32,462 --> 00:03:34,423
-Good Lord!
-That was insane.
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00:03:34,506 --> 00:03:37,176
Mother, your grace took so long,
the gravy grew skin.
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00:03:37,259 --> 00:03:38,969
Ugh, let me nuke it real quick.
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00:03:39,970 --> 00:03:41,597
Who wants to hit the lights and TV?
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I'll do it.
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00:03:44,349 --> 00:03:45,559
And that's a go for nuke-a-fication.
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Okay, here we go.
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00:03:52,024 --> 00:03:53,650
Ouch!
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00:03:53,734 --> 00:03:55,652
That microwave is gonna turn us all
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00:03:55,736 --> 00:03:57,487
into Myrtle Streebs from Silkwood.
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00:03:57,571 --> 00:03:59,656
Yeah, it melted my acrylics
the other night.
87
00:03:59,740 --> 00:04:01,575
You know what?
This stops now.
88
00:04:01,658 --> 00:04:04,077
I'm gonna fix that microwave right quick.
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00:04:04,161 --> 00:04:07,706
Remember the Thanksgiving
when we first bought this microwave?
90
00:04:07,789 --> 00:04:11,084
-Black Friday, ten years ago.
-Yeah.
91
00:04:11,168 --> 00:04:13,670
Unbelievable.
This family has worshipped Black Friday
92
00:04:13,754 --> 00:04:15,923
for so long, there's folklore about it.
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00:04:16,006 --> 00:04:19,343
Oh, hush.
It's actually a really beautiful story.
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00:04:19,426 --> 00:04:23,472
Violet, you were just a toddler...
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00:04:23,555 --> 00:04:26,850
Bless Britney and Kevin Fenderleen,
96
00:04:26,934 --> 00:04:29,645
may their love endure
for many centuries to come.
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00:04:29,728 --> 00:04:31,730
Bless the troops,
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00:04:31,813 --> 00:04:34,191
may this be their last year
in the Middle East.
99
00:04:34,274 --> 00:04:35,984
Thank you, Lord, for Randy Quaid's
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00:04:36,068 --> 00:04:38,111
dramatic turn in Brokeback Mountains.
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00:04:38,195 --> 00:04:41,907
Boy, is he on a hot streak
that just will not end.
102
00:04:41,990 --> 00:04:43,534
Amen.
103
00:04:43,617 --> 00:04:46,453
Okay, bag it up.
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00:04:48,121 --> 00:04:49,915
-White meat or dark meat?
-Both. Cranberry sauce?
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00:04:49,998 --> 00:04:51,708
Are you really asking me that?
Oh, don't forget the potatoes.
106
00:04:51,792 --> 00:04:53,043
Jenny, I'm not gonna forget the potatoes.
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Ah.
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00:04:55,128 --> 00:04:56,755
Good turkey this year, Mother.
109
00:04:56,839 --> 00:04:58,507
Haven't gotten there yet.
I'm still tunneling through
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00:04:58,590 --> 00:05:00,092
-this green bean casserole.
-Mmm.
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00:05:00,175 --> 00:05:01,969
Uh-oh, my spork punctured the gravy bag.
112
00:05:02,052 --> 00:05:04,263
Gonna have to suck it out
like an astronaut.
113
00:05:04,555 --> 00:05:08,350
You put a dumb sale ahead of your child,
your grandchild?
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Listen, you were safe and sound
in your stroller.
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And you ate almost an entire
baggie of green bean casserole.
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-You loved it.
Okay.
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00:05:14,940 --> 00:05:16,984
And it is fixed.
118
00:05:22,072 --> 00:05:24,366
Well, now it does that.
119
00:05:24,449 --> 00:05:26,368
Oh, look at her.
120
00:05:26,451 --> 00:05:29,496
Ooh.
It's even got a carousel.
121
00:05:29,580 --> 00:05:32,207
And you know what that means?
Even heat.
122
00:05:32,291 --> 00:05:35,961
Jenny! What item
are you ready to die for tonight?
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00:05:36,044 --> 00:05:38,463
Oh, well, I'm here to snag me a microwave.
124
00:05:38,547 --> 00:05:41,884
I cannot wait
to knock some noggins together.
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00:05:41,967 --> 00:05:43,635
My dream is that it gets so crazy in there
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00:05:43,719 --> 00:05:45,262
that I can just loot.
127
00:05:45,345 --> 00:05:47,181
-I didn't even bring my wallet.
Mona?
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00:05:47,264 --> 00:05:49,183
-Brenda, look at that guy, y'all.
-Mona?
129
00:05:49,266 --> 00:05:51,185
Mona? Mona?
130
00:05:51,268 --> 00:05:53,520
The most fake-ass name
I've ever heard in my life.
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00:05:53,604 --> 00:05:56,607
-He's about to cut.
-Mona? Mona?
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On it!
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00:05:58,025 --> 00:05:59,526
-No cutting.
134
00:05:59,610 --> 00:06:01,737
We all know there's no Mona.
Back of the line.
135
00:06:01,820 --> 00:06:04,156
-Mona?
-Shut up.
136
00:06:05,199 --> 00:06:06,408
Oh, y'all.
137
00:06:06,491 --> 00:06:08,619
All the crazies have come out tonight.
138
00:06:08,702 --> 00:06:10,037
What's the plan, baby?
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00:06:10,120 --> 00:06:11,455
We're gonna bypass electronics
140
00:06:11,538 --> 00:06:13,540
'cause there's gonna be
a big log jam right here
141
00:06:13,624 --> 00:06:14,708
with the flat-screen melees.
142
00:06:14,791 --> 00:06:16,293
So, we're gonna take the northern route
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00:06:16,376 --> 00:06:17,961
towards appliances
by zig-zagging through maternity,
144
00:06:18,045 --> 00:06:19,546
'cause those ladies are slow,
145
00:06:19,630 --> 00:06:20,964
then, we're heading to intimates
146
00:06:21,048 --> 00:06:22,966
to kitchenwares via the garden center.
147
00:06:23,050 --> 00:06:24,426
-Boom!
-Very clever, Jenny.
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00:06:24,510 --> 00:06:26,386
-I taught you well.
-And then it's just
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00:06:26,470 --> 00:06:28,180
a straight shot over to women's footwear.
150
00:06:28,263 --> 00:06:30,891
Where I'm gonna pick me up
a timeless pair of pink UGG-ugs.
151
00:06:30,974 --> 00:06:32,226
Mother, they're just called UGGs.
152
00:06:32,309 --> 00:06:33,852
UGG-ug-ree to disagree.
153
00:06:33,936 --> 00:06:35,646
But it doesn't matter.
We got this.
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00:06:35,729 --> 00:06:38,315
-Up high, Violet.
155
00:06:38,398 --> 00:06:40,442
Aw, baby's first turkey coma.
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00:06:42,694 --> 00:06:44,780
I can't believe it, my babies!
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00:06:44,863 --> 00:06:47,324
I'm very first in line.
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00:06:47,407 --> 00:06:49,409
I've been here for four days.
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00:06:54,998 --> 00:06:57,709
Help! I'm pinned!
I was immediately pinned.
160
00:06:59,294 --> 00:07:01,004
-Ugh.
-Hey. Watch it.
161
00:07:01,088 --> 00:07:02,798
Watch it, dumbass!
Lady with a baby!
162
00:07:02,881 --> 00:07:05,300
Son of a... Sporting goods?
163
00:07:05,384 --> 00:07:07,010
That should be beauty and personal care.
164
00:07:07,094 --> 00:07:09,263
They rearranged the whole store.
165
00:07:09,346 --> 00:07:11,598
Oh, corporate butts.
166
00:07:11,682 --> 00:07:12,850
Don't fight it.
167
00:07:12,933 --> 00:07:15,227
Just swim with the tide, y'all.
168
00:07:15,310 --> 00:07:16,478
Good luck with your UGGs!
169
00:07:16,562 --> 00:07:18,313
It's UGG-ugs!
170
00:07:18,397 --> 00:07:21,108
Behold! Capitalism at its worst!
171
00:07:21,191 --> 00:07:24,194
Or is it capitalism at its best?
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00:07:29,825 --> 00:07:31,952
Come to Mama.
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00:07:32,953 --> 00:07:34,621
-Ooh!
-Ooh!
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00:07:35,747 --> 00:07:37,332
Crystalynn!
175
00:07:37,416 --> 00:07:40,043
So nice to see you.
176
00:07:40,127 --> 00:07:42,045
But it looks like you're
mistakenly clutching something
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00:07:42,129 --> 00:07:43,505
that belongs to me.
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00:07:43,589 --> 00:07:46,466
Betty, our Lord and Savior
really did bless you
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00:07:46,550 --> 00:07:48,635
with a wonderful sense of humor.
180
00:07:48,719 --> 00:07:50,971
Now let go of my UGG-ugs.
181
00:07:51,054 --> 00:07:52,472
Cut it, Crystalynn.
182
00:07:52,556 --> 00:07:54,641
I don't have time for these fake niceties.
183
00:07:54,725 --> 00:07:57,769
And I don't have time
not to be with my UGG-ugs.
184
00:07:57,853 --> 00:08:00,397
Now please get your dirty,
sooty racoon paws
185
00:08:00,480 --> 00:08:01,982
off my UGG-ugs.
186
00:08:02,065 --> 00:08:04,193
-They're my UGG-ugs, you ho-bag!
-So tacky. Stop pulling
187
00:08:04,276 --> 00:08:05,485
-on my UGG-ugs.
-No, you stop! You're the one
188
00:08:05,569 --> 00:08:07,654
-stretching them to begeebus.
-I need these to wear
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00:08:07,738 --> 00:08:09,406
to church!
190
00:08:09,489 --> 00:08:11,575
Well, way to go, Crystalynn.
191
00:08:11,658 --> 00:08:14,119
You beheaded the last pair.
192
00:08:14,203 --> 00:08:16,663
I should whip your boo-heiny
with this here sole.
193
00:08:16,747 --> 00:08:18,790
Stop flapping your commode lips.
194
00:08:18,874 --> 00:08:22,044
Thanks to your animal behavior,
neither of us have UGG-ugs.
195
00:08:30,010 --> 00:08:33,138
Oh, Hades, no.
196
00:08:36,016 --> 00:08:37,017
Oh, sorry.
197
00:08:37,100 --> 00:08:38,727
Oh, hey, Jenny.
198
00:08:38,810 --> 00:08:40,395
Do-do-do-do.
199
00:08:40,479 --> 00:08:42,731
Have you met my special friend Daniel?
200
00:08:42,814 --> 00:08:44,858
Oh, yeah.
Mother bought her CRX
201
00:08:44,942 --> 00:08:46,193
from his family's car dealership.
202
00:08:46,276 --> 00:08:47,736
Hi, Daniel.
203
00:08:47,819 --> 00:08:50,280
Daniel, stop.
204
00:08:50,364 --> 00:08:52,741
Daniel wants me to buy some intimates
205
00:08:52,824 --> 00:08:54,493
from the sleepwear sections.
206
00:08:54,576 --> 00:08:56,703
He just can't get enough of me.
207
00:08:56,787 --> 00:08:58,372
Oh, do-do-do-do!
208
00:08:58,455 --> 00:08:59,540
Well, I'll leave you to your...
209
00:09:02,417 --> 00:09:05,671
Now, where did those
corporate butts hide you?
210
00:09:05,754 --> 00:09:07,548
'Cause I'm gonna find you,
211
00:09:07,631 --> 00:09:11,260
thousand W twin-touch microwave by LeChef.
212
00:09:11,343 --> 00:09:13,595
Help! I'm pinned
213
00:09:13,679 --> 00:09:16,723
by this carrot-nosed Pinocchio.
214
00:09:23,939 --> 00:09:25,274
So you lost me
215
00:09:25,357 --> 00:09:27,067
in a Super Mega Lo Mart
216
00:09:27,150 --> 00:09:28,151
on Black Friday?
217
00:09:28,235 --> 00:09:30,612
Okay, I did not lose you.
You ran away.
218
00:09:30,696 --> 00:09:32,865
And it took years off my life.
219
00:09:32,948 --> 00:09:34,658
I was beside myself,
220
00:09:34,741 --> 00:09:36,952
frantically running around
that store screaming.
221
00:09:37,035 --> 00:09:39,413
Somebody help.
Somebody help!
222
00:09:39,496 --> 00:09:43,250
Help me.
That woman's hoarding all the UGG-ugs!
223
00:09:43,333 --> 00:09:44,835
Ma'am, it's Black Friday.
224
00:09:44,918 --> 00:09:46,670
We're all just trying
to stay alive in here.
225
00:09:46,753 --> 00:09:50,299
Get away, you animals.
I'm on break!
226
00:09:51,508 --> 00:09:55,053
Crystalynn, I don't care for you at all.
227
00:09:55,137 --> 00:09:57,472
But I think we need
to team up on this one.
228
00:09:57,556 --> 00:10:00,767
Extreme situations
call for extreme measures.
229
00:10:00,851 --> 00:10:02,436
So it's a devil's bargain, then.
230
00:10:02,519 --> 00:10:03,562
Let's roll.
231
00:10:07,441 --> 00:10:09,193
Sir, I'm looking for a LeChef microwave.
232
00:10:09,276 --> 00:10:10,777
Are you hiding some in the back?
233
00:10:10,861 --> 00:10:13,822
This is Mega Lo Mart.
The whole store is the back.
234
00:10:13,906 --> 00:10:15,699
I think there's a floor model
on the border
235
00:10:15,782 --> 00:10:17,242
of housewares and electronics.
236
00:10:17,326 --> 00:10:19,077
-Thank you.
-But I have to warn you.
237
00:10:19,161 --> 00:10:22,289
It's the clearance section.
It's basically lawless.
238
00:10:22,372 --> 00:10:25,000
Management pulled all employees
out of there 15 minutes ago.
239
00:10:25,083 --> 00:10:28,003
Some real good guys,
they didn't make it out.
240
00:10:32,216 --> 00:10:33,842
Here, take my gun.
241
00:10:33,926 --> 00:10:36,386
Oh, uh, okay, if you think I need it.
242
00:10:36,470 --> 00:10:38,972
A price gun?
Oh, in case I need to...
243
00:10:39,056 --> 00:10:41,850
-Cause a distraction.
-Cause a distraction. Yes.
244
00:10:41,934 --> 00:10:44,895
Wow. Thank you.
What's your name?
245
00:10:44,978 --> 00:10:46,522
I wish it mattered.
246
00:10:56,615 --> 00:10:57,908
Hmm...
247
00:10:57,991 --> 00:11:00,452
Keep your eyes peeled
for that Shop-Vac, Leonard.
248
00:11:00,536 --> 00:11:02,538
On it, doggone it.
But I do think
249
00:11:02,621 --> 00:11:04,998
we should figure out what
our new joint-venture business
250
00:11:05,082 --> 00:11:06,291
is gonna be
251
00:11:06,375 --> 00:11:08,544
before we start buying gear for it.
252
00:11:08,627 --> 00:11:11,213
It's either gonna be a forensic
crime scene cleanup business
253
00:11:11,296 --> 00:11:12,965
or a mobile car wash.
254
00:11:13,048 --> 00:11:15,759
Either way, we're gonna need a Shop-Vac.
255
00:11:17,678 --> 00:11:19,012
Oh, what's that?
256
00:11:19,096 --> 00:11:21,682
Looks like this little girl
wandered away from her mama.
257
00:11:21,765 --> 00:11:23,183
Hi there, little lady.
258
00:11:23,267 --> 00:11:25,686
-I'm Wayne.
259
00:11:25,769 --> 00:11:27,938
-And you are...
260
00:11:28,021 --> 00:11:29,815
Smart. Don't talk to strangers.
261
00:11:29,898 --> 00:11:31,817
Wayne, do not get attached.
262
00:11:31,900 --> 00:11:34,403
We are not equipped to raise this baby.
263
00:11:34,486 --> 00:11:38,031
The formula specifically calls
for three men and a baby.
264
00:11:38,115 --> 00:11:40,701
And we are clearly
short one Steve Guttenberg.
265
00:11:40,784 --> 00:11:41,910
I can't just leave her.
266
00:11:41,994 --> 00:11:44,538
I bet her family's worried sick.
267
00:11:44,621 --> 00:11:48,375
Oh, of course
she's heading over to the soft pretzels.
268
00:11:48,458 --> 00:11:51,378
She's probably gonna use
a popcorn bucket for her Slurpee.
269
00:11:51,461 --> 00:11:53,839
This is not very Christian of me,
270
00:11:53,922 --> 00:11:55,632
but look at that fat ass.
271
00:11:55,716 --> 00:11:57,718
I say we bum-rush her right now.
272
00:11:57,801 --> 00:11:59,094
-Brandon!
-Oh.
273
00:11:59,178 --> 00:12:00,637
-Dustin!
-Ooh.
274
00:12:00,721 --> 00:12:02,764
Come watch my cart while
I get some jalapeño dip
275
00:12:02,848 --> 00:12:03,974
for my pretzel.
276
00:12:04,057 --> 00:12:05,642
No go on the bum-rush.
277
00:12:05,726 --> 00:12:07,853
Looks like she birthed
half a football team.
278
00:12:07,936 --> 00:12:09,813
Out of her fat butt.
279
00:12:09,897 --> 00:12:13,609
Lord, forgive me,
but you know everyone's thinking it.
280
00:12:15,068 --> 00:12:16,403
Don't worry, Violet,
281
00:12:16,486 --> 00:12:18,447
I've been doing Black Friday
since I was your age.
282
00:12:18,530 --> 00:12:20,073
You couldn't be safer.
283
00:12:20,157 --> 00:12:22,326
You lose your way, full-pricer?
284
00:12:22,409 --> 00:12:23,493
-Oh, my Lord!
285
00:12:23,577 --> 00:12:27,080
Ahhh! Oh, Jenny,
it's just a Halloween decoration.
286
00:12:28,290 --> 00:12:29,917
Git!
287
00:12:30,000 --> 00:12:31,543
Pricebusters!
288
00:12:31,627 --> 00:12:33,545
That shirt's half off.
Get it!
289
00:12:35,214 --> 00:12:37,341
That one holds a price gun.
290
00:12:37,424 --> 00:12:39,218
She who holds the price gun
makes the deals.
291
00:12:39,301 --> 00:12:41,512
Get that gun!
-No!
292
00:12:44,515 --> 00:12:48,393
Eat fire cart, you animals!
293
00:12:49,686 --> 00:12:52,856
Oh, my Lord.
Brenda, I almost got my...
294
00:12:52,940 --> 00:12:54,608
You need to get out of here.
295
00:12:54,691 --> 00:12:56,818
Brenda, I am not leaving you here alone.
296
00:12:56,902 --> 00:13:00,322
Oh, don't be worried for me.
Be scared for them.
297
00:13:00,405 --> 00:13:03,492
Brenda attack!
Who's ready for more, turkeys?
298
00:13:09,957 --> 00:13:11,792
-Excuse me, can you help us?
299
00:13:11,875 --> 00:13:14,086
We found this little girl
wandering around by herself.
300
00:13:14,169 --> 00:13:17,631
Another stray kid?
Put her in the pen.
301
00:13:19,424 --> 00:13:21,927
Ooh-wee, that mess looks crazy.
302
00:13:22,010 --> 00:13:23,762
-Is that even safe?
-Oh, yeah.
303
00:13:23,846 --> 00:13:25,305
There's a ten-year-old in there
304
00:13:25,389 --> 00:13:27,057
that's made himself in charge.
305
00:13:29,059 --> 00:13:30,853
Yeah, I don't like
the look of that at all.
306
00:13:30,936 --> 00:13:32,479
Can you just please make an announcement?
307
00:13:32,563 --> 00:13:34,398
Oh, great idea.
308
00:13:36,191 --> 00:13:37,401
Attention...
309
00:13:40,529 --> 00:13:42,197
We good?
310
00:13:42,281 --> 00:13:44,449
No. And you didn't have to be sarcastic.
311
00:13:44,533 --> 00:13:46,618
I'm sorry, I'm tired.
312
00:13:46,702 --> 00:13:48,829
I've been here since Halloween.
313
00:13:48,912 --> 00:13:52,124
Just plop her in the pen
with the rest of the storephans.
314
00:13:52,207 --> 00:13:53,625
Nope.
315
00:14:02,759 --> 00:14:04,678
Welp, Jenny, you've done it again.
316
00:14:04,761 --> 00:14:06,305
There's your microwave.
317
00:14:06,388 --> 00:14:08,599
Hmm, what's this?
318
00:14:08,682 --> 00:14:10,726
A full-price item back here?
319
00:14:10,809 --> 00:14:12,311
I guess there's no more good deals
320
00:14:12,394 --> 00:14:14,021
in this area where I am.
321
00:14:14,104 --> 00:14:16,106
There's the stroller
I've been looking for!
322
00:14:16,190 --> 00:14:17,649
What? No! That's mine!
323
00:14:17,733 --> 00:14:20,110
Not until it's seen
the checkout aisle, lady.
324
00:14:20,194 --> 00:14:21,403
This is my stroller.
325
00:14:21,486 --> 00:14:23,030
I came in here with my daughter in it.
326
00:14:24,072 --> 00:14:25,532
Oh, my God.
327
00:14:25,616 --> 00:14:27,659
Violet.
328
00:14:30,078 --> 00:14:31,872
So I was wandering around
329
00:14:31,955 --> 00:14:34,708
a postapocalyptic Mega Lo Mart
330
00:14:34,791 --> 00:14:36,835
for an hour
before you realized I was gone?
331
00:14:36,919 --> 00:14:38,337
No.
332
00:14:38,420 --> 00:14:39,671
Well, yeah.
333
00:14:39,755 --> 00:14:41,256
Protecting your daughter on Black Friday
334
00:14:41,340 --> 00:14:43,425
-is harder than it looks.
-Yeah, didn't matter.
335
00:14:43,509 --> 00:14:45,260
I was on the case.
336
00:14:46,470 --> 00:14:48,805
-This your little girl?
-Uh-uh.
337
00:14:48,889 --> 00:14:50,766
Does this little girl
look familiar to you?
338
00:14:50,849 --> 00:14:52,809
-No? Get up in there, get a good look.
339
00:14:52,893 --> 00:14:53,936
Is this yours?
340
00:14:54,019 --> 00:14:55,479
Excuse me, this one yours?
341
00:14:55,562 --> 00:14:57,731
-Hey, does she belong to you?
-Wayne!
342
00:14:57,814 --> 00:15:00,609
I bet that pyramid of Shop-Vacs
is getting real small.
343
00:15:00,692 --> 00:15:01,860
All right, you go grab one
344
00:15:01,944 --> 00:15:03,570
while I look for this little girl's mama.
345
00:15:03,654 --> 00:15:06,657
Come on, sweet pea.
Give me a clue.
346
00:15:11,912 --> 00:15:14,456
Dang, peanut.
You got some talent.
347
00:15:14,540 --> 00:15:15,958
Oh.
348
00:15:16,041 --> 00:15:18,293
Is this your mama?
This is gonna be easy.
349
00:15:18,377 --> 00:15:21,255
All we got to do is find
the lady dressed like this.
350
00:15:21,964 --> 00:15:25,676
Damn.
That Britney look really is all the rage.
351
00:15:25,759 --> 00:15:27,678
Violet! Oh, Violet.
352
00:15:27,761 --> 00:15:30,055
-Where are you? Violet?
353
00:15:30,138 --> 00:15:31,682
Violet!
354
00:15:31,765 --> 00:15:34,184
-Excuse me. Get out of the way.
-Hey, lady.
355
00:15:34,268 --> 00:15:36,395
You can't be mingling around
with the storephans.
356
00:15:36,478 --> 00:15:38,397
You have to check in with an employee.
357
00:15:38,480 --> 00:15:39,898
Are you kidding me?
I'm not taking orders
358
00:15:39,982 --> 00:15:41,984
from some kid
in a "guess what, chicken butt" shirt.
359
00:15:42,067 --> 00:15:44,444
Guess what, chicken butt?
You sure as hell are.
360
00:15:44,528 --> 00:15:45,779
I'm looking for my daughter.
361
00:15:45,863 --> 00:15:47,906
Uh, her name is Violet.
She's wearing a red jacket.
362
00:15:47,990 --> 00:15:50,993
Oh, yeah, she was here.
Two guys took her.
363
00:15:51,076 --> 00:15:53,120
What? Oh, my God!
364
00:15:54,705 --> 00:15:58,041
Just like the baby Jesus,
all we need is an inn.
365
00:15:59,334 --> 00:16:02,171
Oh, she sells Mary Kay, huh?
366
00:16:02,254 --> 00:16:05,507
Well, I think I just found
our star of Bethlehem.
367
00:16:06,550 --> 00:16:09,303
Sure wish I knew more about makeup.
368
00:16:09,386 --> 00:16:12,264
I guess I'll just buy
whatever's at my eyeline
369
00:16:12,347 --> 00:16:14,308
and pay full retail.
370
00:16:14,600 --> 00:16:17,769
Excuse me, honey.
I couldn't help but overhearing.
371
00:16:17,853 --> 00:16:21,190
You seem flustrated
about your skin care regime.
372
00:16:21,273 --> 00:16:22,733
Cherish Hughes.
373
00:16:22,816 --> 00:16:25,611
My name's Mrs, um, uh...
374
00:16:25,694 --> 00:16:26,945
Pantene,
375
00:16:27,029 --> 00:16:29,615
um, Pert-Clairol.
376
00:16:29,698 --> 00:16:32,492
Mrs. Pantene Pert-Clairol.
377
00:16:32,576 --> 00:16:34,828
Well, Ms. Pert-Clairol...
378
00:16:34,912 --> 00:16:36,622
Oh, honey, just call me Pantene.
379
00:16:36,705 --> 00:16:39,082
Pantene, I'm so glad I ran into you.
380
00:16:39,166 --> 00:16:41,919
I'm a Glam-bassador
for Mary Kay Cosmetics.
381
00:16:42,002 --> 00:16:45,172
In fact, I'm buying
my whole team some pink UGG-ugs.
382
00:16:45,255 --> 00:16:46,965
Well, this is my lucky day.
383
00:16:47,049 --> 00:16:49,009
Can you help me understand
384
00:16:49,092 --> 00:16:52,346
all that hullabaloo about contouring?
385
00:16:57,017 --> 00:16:58,310
Start at the forehead
386
00:16:58,393 --> 00:17:00,312
and move confidently along the hairline
387
00:17:00,395 --> 00:17:02,814
down to just kiss the cheekbones.
388
00:17:02,898 --> 00:17:05,442
Hey, do I go, um...
389
00:17:05,526 --> 00:17:06,902
Up into the earhole?
390
00:17:06,985 --> 00:17:08,070
Heavens, no.
391
00:17:08,153 --> 00:17:09,613
Just wistfully contour
392
00:17:09,696 --> 00:17:12,241
-two fingers along the jawline.
-Um...
393
00:17:12,324 --> 00:17:13,825
Hey, how can I tell, y'all,
394
00:17:13,909 --> 00:17:15,953
if my foundation is going on too dark?
395
00:17:16,036 --> 00:17:17,704
Try our custom blend line.
396
00:17:17,788 --> 00:17:20,624
Let me grab it from my makeup caboodle.
397
00:17:21,708 --> 00:17:22,876
How do I sell Mary Kay?
398
00:17:22,960 --> 00:17:25,295
That is a wonderful question.
399
00:17:25,379 --> 00:17:26,880
Get out of there, dummy.
400
00:17:26,964 --> 00:17:28,423
-What?
-I mean,
401
00:17:28,507 --> 00:17:30,425
I should get out of here, dummy.
402
00:17:30,509 --> 00:17:32,845
Meaning me.
I'm the dummy, see?
403
00:17:32,928 --> 00:17:35,973
All right, now.
Thanks for fixing my face.
404
00:17:36,056 --> 00:17:38,016
Excuse me, I...
405
00:17:39,560 --> 00:17:41,728
No, your shoes aren't right.
406
00:17:41,812 --> 00:17:43,856
-What?
-Screw him.
407
00:17:43,939 --> 00:17:46,692
-Uh, nope. Wrong fedora.
408
00:17:46,775 --> 00:17:48,110
Wayne.
409
00:17:48,193 --> 00:17:52,072
I don't know if I can
hold this box much longer.
410
00:17:52,155 --> 00:17:53,866
I can't put this little girl down.
411
00:17:53,949 --> 00:17:55,742
She'll wander off again.
412
00:18:06,920 --> 00:18:08,672
-Mama!
-Is that her?
413
00:18:08,755 --> 00:18:09,840
Is that your mama?
414
00:18:09,923 --> 00:18:12,134
Wayne! The Shop-Vac!
415
00:18:12,217 --> 00:18:13,677
You know the rule.
416
00:18:13,760 --> 00:18:17,681
It touches the floor, it's yours no more,
417
00:18:17,764 --> 00:18:19,683
my baby. Ooh!
418
00:18:19,766 --> 00:18:21,059
I'm pinned!
419
00:18:21,143 --> 00:18:24,062
Pinned by the object of my own desire.
420
00:18:24,146 --> 00:18:26,231
-Violet?
-Excuse me, ma'am.
421
00:18:26,315 --> 00:18:27,691
-Is this your girl?
422
00:18:27,774 --> 00:18:29,484
Violet! Oh, Violet.
423
00:18:29,568 --> 00:18:32,446
Oh, Violet.
Oh, baby, you're safe.
424
00:18:32,529 --> 00:18:35,824
Oh, my Lord.
Oh, uh, thank you so much.
425
00:18:35,908 --> 00:18:38,035
Oh, you're so welcome.
426
00:18:38,118 --> 00:18:39,203
Jenny.
427
00:18:39,286 --> 00:18:41,997
Jenny. Hi, I'm, uh...
428
00:18:42,080 --> 00:18:43,707
-Uh...
-Wayne.
429
00:18:43,790 --> 00:18:47,294
-Wayne. That's right. Thank you.
-How did you find me?
430
00:18:47,377 --> 00:18:50,130
Oh, well, you have a very
talented little peanut here.
431
00:18:50,214 --> 00:18:52,633
-Baby, you drew this?
432
00:18:54,218 --> 00:18:57,513
Incoming!
433
00:18:58,263 --> 00:19:00,265
My microwave!
434
00:19:00,349 --> 00:19:02,267
You like me?
435
00:19:02,351 --> 00:19:04,645
-Yeah.
-Too bad!
436
00:19:04,728 --> 00:19:06,063
They got our Shop-Vac.
437
00:19:06,146 --> 00:19:08,857
Took my suit jacket, too, Wayne.
438
00:19:08,941 --> 00:19:10,859
Ripped it right off my body.
439
00:19:10,943 --> 00:19:13,028
Buttons flying everywhere.
440
00:19:13,111 --> 00:19:15,239
You guys were after a Shop-Vac?
Ugh, that's smart.
441
00:19:15,322 --> 00:19:17,074
You know, 'cause you can use it
for multiple businesses.
442
00:19:17,157 --> 00:19:18,951
Yes, exactly. That...
443
00:19:19,034 --> 00:19:21,245
That's our business plan.
444
00:19:21,328 --> 00:19:23,038
Well, sorry you didn't snag one tonight,
445
00:19:23,121 --> 00:19:25,666
but I've got one you can borrow.
446
00:19:26,959 --> 00:19:29,044
No, I did not have a Shop-Vac.
447
00:19:29,127 --> 00:19:30,671
I just wanted Wayne to call me.
448
00:19:30,754 --> 00:19:32,422
So dumb.
449
00:19:32,506 --> 00:19:35,342
I thought you were telling me
how you got our microwave,
450
00:19:35,425 --> 00:19:37,636
but it's actually the story
about how you two met.
451
00:19:37,719 --> 00:19:41,348
And how I first started to draw,
or whatever.
452
00:19:41,431 --> 00:19:43,058
Mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah.
453
00:19:43,141 --> 00:19:45,060
Yep. My sweet Violet.
454
00:19:45,143 --> 00:19:47,646
Can I say just a few words of thanks?
455
00:19:47,729 --> 00:19:49,314
I hit just about everybody,
but if you want
456
00:19:49,398 --> 00:19:50,816
to throw in some names, go for it.
457
00:19:50,899 --> 00:19:53,986
I do.
Mom, I want to thank you
458
00:19:54,069 --> 00:19:55,904
for always trying to give me the best,
459
00:19:55,988 --> 00:19:57,990
even though we can't always afford it.
460
00:19:58,073 --> 00:20:00,659
And, Gram, thanks
for your unwavering commitment
461
00:20:00,742 --> 00:20:02,119
to retail justice.
462
00:20:02,202 --> 00:20:05,122
And, Wayne, not to get
too dramatic about this,
463
00:20:05,205 --> 00:20:08,500
but thank you for actually
maybe saving my life.
464
00:20:08,584 --> 00:20:10,419
You're, like, my guardian angel.
465
00:20:10,502 --> 00:20:13,797
Now I think there's only one
more thing to say.
466
00:20:13,881 --> 00:20:15,632
Let's bag it up.
467
00:20:15,716 --> 00:20:18,051
Really? You want to go to Mega Lo Mart?
468
00:20:18,135 --> 00:20:20,137
Those over-the-ear
noise-cancelling headphones
469
00:20:20,220 --> 00:20:22,514
by Skullcandy aren't gonna buy themselves.
470
00:20:22,598 --> 00:20:24,725
Well, all right!
Thanksgiving's back!
471
00:20:24,808 --> 00:20:26,977
-I'll warm up the truck.
Dessert in first, y'all!
472
00:20:28,020 --> 00:20:29,313
Hey, Violet.
473
00:20:47,122 --> 00:20:48,665
See? Now, doesn't this just feel right?
474
00:20:48,749 --> 00:20:50,083
Sure as hell does, y'all.
475
00:20:50,167 --> 00:20:52,336
Oh, no.
476
00:20:52,419 --> 00:20:54,546
Oh, hey, Crystalynn.
477
00:20:54,630 --> 00:20:56,340
-Hey, y'all.
-Hey, Crystalynn.
478
00:20:56,423 --> 00:20:58,091
What you got your eye on tonight?
479
00:20:58,175 --> 00:21:00,719
A Hamilton Beach programmable
six-quart slow cooker
480
00:21:00,802 --> 00:21:03,347
in stainless steel
with a temperature probe.
481
00:21:03,430 --> 00:21:06,016
Hey, Mom, isn't that what
you're loo... Ooh.
482
00:21:06,099 --> 00:21:09,561
See you in there, Crystalynn.
483
00:21:09,645 --> 00:21:12,689
Wait, Gram, how come I never see
you wearing those pink UGGs?
484
00:21:12,773 --> 00:21:15,442
Well, me and Crystalynn's
alliance was short-lived.
485
00:21:15,526 --> 00:21:17,903
We had a little altercation
the following Sunday.
35155
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