All language subtitles for the_ropers_s02e11_the_skeleton

What are you doing?

Polishing my bowling ball. Well, why
aren't you polishing the stove?

Because you can't bowl with a stove.

Well, see how you like your meatloaf
cooked on a bowling ball.

Come on. You said you'd help me with the
cleaning.

House cleaning is not man's work.

That's true.

You can start on the broiler.

Oh, when you're finished with that, I
want you to go out to the garage and get

rid of that pile of junk that's been
sitting there.

We're not selling our car.

Talking about those boxes of useless
things you brought with us from Santa

Monica. Oh, that's your stuff, not mine.

No, I only brought one useless thing
from Santa Monica.

Just couldn't leave your mouth behind,
huh?

And when you're finished in the garage,
I want you up in the bedroom.

After all that work?

Can't help me with the closets.

Hi. Hi.

Want some gum?

Blow a bubble? It's easy. Just think
your tongue out and blow.

Like this?

No, no. More like this.

Like this. David?

Oh, there you are.

Mr. Roper's teaching me how to blow
bubble gum.

Oh.

David, how many times must I tell you
gum chewing is an unpleasant habit for a

young man?

But, Mr. Roper... It's an unpleasant
habit, too.

You see, David, you must always remember
what Grandfather always said.

There are three things a Brooks never
does.

He never... Keeps his hat on in the
elevator.

He never... Wears stripes off his
checked pants. And he never... Forgets

better than the next man.

That's a lot of stuck -up nonsense.

You see, David, you have a bigger
responsibility than other boys. You come

a very distinguished family.

Now, the gun, please.

Thank you.

Hey, Brooks.

What's so special about your fans?

We've all been respected public
officials and leaders. I don't know of

ropers who have left their mark on
society.

Oh, no?

We had a cousin who was shot out of a
cannon.

That's what you call making a mark.

He did when he missed the net.

Roper, you should be taken away in a
net.

Oh, please.

down on your luck, eh?

Well, all right here, old fella. You get
yourself a good meal and a haircut and

a bath.

No, you got the wrong house there next
door.

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm getting so I can't
even read my own writing.

Yeah, well, maybe you ought to get
glasses.

I guess so, pretty lady.

Of course, not until you need them.

And I will the minute I can't spot a
lovely lady like you.

So,

I'm looking for the house next door,
huh?

Yeah. I might have guessed.

Guess what? Oh, no, nothing. I just,
uh...

Thanks again.

Oh, you're welcome.

Yes?

Oh, Mrs. Brooks?

Yes.

Jeffrey's got more on the ball than I
thought.

You know Jeffrey?

I should.

I'm his Uncle Bill.

Uncle Bill?

Come in. Come in.

Not the one Jeffrey said was a... Bum?

No.

No, actually, he didn't say that. Good.
I prefer hobo. Well, it has a nicer ring

to it.

What's a hobo? Well, it's a free spirit,
son. King of the road. A man who rides

the rails. In short, one of the last
patrons of Amtrak.

Jeffrey's just taking a shower.

That's where I left him 20 years ago.

Ann, have you seen my soap on the road?

Oh, now, look.

I've already given you money. Now, what
more do you want?

Hey,

Jeff, my boy.

What? Jeffrey, don't you recognize him?
Why should he? I didn't recognize him

outside. Hey, you know, last time I saw
you, you had a full head of hair like

David has here.

My childhood barber, Mr.

Phipps.

Jeffrey, this is your Uncle Bill.

Oh, no.

How did you get my address?

Your father gave it to me.

Uncle Bill, I hope you'll be able to
stay.

Oh, no, I don't think so, Ann.

Uncle Bill probably doesn't have time.
What with his busy schedule. Say, can I

drop you somewhere?

I know you have things to do. A freight
train to catch.

Oh, isn't that all the time in the
world?

You want me to stay? Well, just until my
mail catches up with me, I gave him

this address.

Oh, that's wonderful.

Make yourself comfortable.

Lunch will be ready in a little while.

He's your uncle.

So, Uncle Bill, what have you been doing
with yourself all these years?

Well, last month I won a tobacco
spitting contest.

How far did you spit?

David, 26 feet. Uncle Bill? Of course.

I had the wind behind me. Will you teach
me how to spit?

Well, sure, I will. Come on, come on.
Let's go out, Doc. Hey, excuse us,

It's been 26 feet. Can you believe that?

Well, he said he had the wind behind
him.

The wind?

Oh, my God, the neighbors.

Now, you see, you purse up your lips
like this.

Save it.

You're going to feel weak.

Do not spit.

Hello, Ruffer.

Who's the strange -looking guy with your
kid?

Oh, that's the handyman. The handyman?
Yes, go inside, David. Now, I think it

would be very nice if you started by
just hosing down the wall. What?

Just a second.

I got a garage that needs cleaning up.
You interested?

Aren't you the fellow who lives with
that lovely lady?

No, I live right here with my wife.

How much to clean the garage?

I'll give you... I'll give you $2 .50 an
hour.

Oh, that's more than he's giving me.
Figures.

Yeah.

I think I just got an offer I can't
refuse.

No, wait. What's your name?

Just call me Bill.

Bill. Bill. Okay, the garage is right
around there to the left.

Gotcha. No, wait.

Brooks. A word of advice.

You can't keep help unless you pay him a
decent wage.

It's my uncle. He's got a job with Roper
as his handyman.

Why? Why?

Because Roper is the devil, Aunt.

He should be exorcised from this
neighborhood.

If this ever gets out. Oh, Jeffrey, stop
worrying.

You have lots of things to do. Like
shooting myself?

There are people coming to lunch today.
Remember?

The Barrett's?

Reverend Parkinson?

The congressman?

Today is the party fundraising lunch?

Oh, no, I am going to shoot myself.

Oh, no!

There are four of them, you see, in his
boxcar.

One -eyed Louie, four -finger Bates, big
-nosed Sammy, and me.

Who are you?

I was me.

No, no, no, I mean, didn't you have a
nickname? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, but, uh,

well...

It's kind of embarrassing.

Now, come on. What was it?

Killer.

Killer?

Yeah. Why do they call you killer?

You sure you want to know? Yeah, come
on. Tell me.

Ah.

It happened in this flop house in
Jersey.

Things were turning real bad, and I was
the only one wearing heavy boots.

So I could stomp them real good.

Dump them to death?

Yeah.

64 cockroaches in a single evening.

Oh, you.

Helen.

Helen, this is no way to get the work
done. Oh, come on, Stanley. It's Bill's

coffee break.

I'd like to hear the one about the clean
garage.

Oh, come on in the kitchen, Bill. I got
some cake you'll just love. Oh, I'll

tell you. I'll feed them later. You
know, I want to tell you... Helen. You

big nose Sammy. Yeah?

I meant the

Ropers. Uncle Bill here?

Yeah, but he's... Uncle Bill?

He's your uncle?

No, he's my father's uncle.

Your father's uncle?

You mean that old bum is a Brooks?

Yeah, Uncle Bill.

A Brooks.

A Brooks.

Imagine that.

I got a Brooks working for me.

I hate to trouble you, but it's about
your handyman. Always going to work out

just fine with a little supervision.

As a matter of fact, I was thinking of
hiring him on a regular basis. Regular

basis? Yeah, clean up the yard, take out
the trash, wash my car.

Wash your car?

Maybe you're right. Maybe I shouldn't
trust him with something that important.

That's right, that's right. A drifter
like that, I wouldn't trust him with

anything. You think...

You think I should get rid of him? But
that's a good idea, and I'll give you a

list of first -class handymen. Brooks,
Your Honor, I'll get rid of him right

now.

Oh, Mr. Brooks!

Since he's your uncle, I think it'd be
rude of me to call him by his first

Calling me?

Stanley!

Helen, you know, life is funny. This
wonderful man, who I got working for me

$2 .50 an hour, I just found out is the
uncle of Jeffrey P. Brooks III.

Really?

Your uncle?

Bill, Bill, your nephew doesn't think
that you should be working for me. Oh.

Now, he thinks that you're... A guest
here.

You shouldn't be working. You should be
relaxing.

That's right.

Stanley?

Oh, I got even a better idea.

Why don't we all go to the hot tub? Oh,
sounds like fun.

See, there's always a big crowd there on
weekends.

There'd be a great chance for you to
meet some of Jeffrey's friends.

Hey, that's a terrific idea.

And I'm sure they'd love to hear some of
Bill's stories. Hey,

you think so, Jeffrey?

Three!

Bill, come on. I got a pair of shorts I
think might fit you. Come on upstairs.

Oh, Mr.

Brooks, I bet you just can't wait for
your friends to meet your uncle.

You're right. I can't wait.

Hello!

Hello!

Enjoying the waters, I see.

It's very, very therapeutic, you know.

Well, yes. Just minutes ago, Roper was
telling me that by just sitting in this

very hot tub this morning, he completely
cured his athlete's foot.

what this neighborhood is coming to.

I mean, naked protesters right out there
on our street.

path with people.

Jeffrey, I embarrass you, don't I?

Embarrass me? How could you possibly
think that... that you embarrass me?

is it?

The old clothes I wear?

Well, no one could ever accuse you of
being one of the Brooks brothers.

Brooks.

Clothes don't make the man, Jeffrey.

Fond pride of dress is sure a very
curse.

If fancy you consult, consult your
purse.

That's easy for you to say.

Well,

what do you expect? He was trying to
sell almanacs to poor people.

Why, the Brooks family always was big on
judging by appearance.

Oh, Uncle Bill, why couldn't you have
been a lawyer, a doctor, or a

Well, I guess I'd rather try to earn an
honors with him.

By entering spitting contests?

You know something?

Jeffrey, you haven't changed a bit since
you were a child.

Oh, thank you. Yeah?

You were a stick in the mud then.

And you're a stick in the mud now.

I was not a stick in the mud. I was
mature for my age. Mature, I'll say.

When E .F. Hutton talked, you were the
only eight -year -old who listened.

Just a second. You make it sound like I
had no fun at all. Well, you didn't.

You're the only kid I ever knew who
smuggled in his homework aboard a

trip. I remember that. The only thing I
caught that day was a cold.

And a fish. The fish. Oh,

you're right.

You're right. I caught a perch.

And you took a picture of me holding it.

It's funny how you forget things.

Funny how you forget life.

What?

Jeffrey, your lunch guests are arriving.

Oh, no, I haven't had time to change.

Yeah, well, I guess I better get my gear
and mosey down the road. Maybe see some

buddies in San Diego.

Aren't you going to try the hot tub?

No, it seems to have gone cold.

Nice party, Brooks.

I won't forget your help. Well, thank
you, Congressman.

Would you excuse me?

So long, kiddo.

Goodbye, William.

Jeffrey, you forgot to ask him to lunch.
Well, I... I'll get that.

Oh, Mr. Brooks.

I'm sorry. We have guests. Yes, I know,
but I just wanted to give this to Bill.

This was delivered to our house. I guess
you gave our number by mistake.

I wish I'd got your number 20 years ago,
lovely lady.

Oh,

can I borrow your spectacles?

Bill!

Why don't you read it outside? The
lighting's much better.

Oh, no.

Roper's got the congressman cornered.

Another thing.

You come here, you ask all your rich
friends for money for campaign funds.

How come you never ask the poor people
for money?

Well, well, everybody got everything
they need.

Hey, how about that?

They sold the screen rights to my book.

Your book? Yeah, yeah.

It's coming out next month. Hit the
tracks, Jack.

Bunch of yarns I strung together.

You're an author?

But you never said you'd written a book.

Have you written it into a movie? Looks
like.

Thanks for the loan.

And, uh...

Well, that was nice meeting all you
folks.

You're leaving so soon? Leaving? I
should say not.

Do you think that I would let my Uncle
Bill leave without saying hello to my

friends? Attention, attention,
everybody.

I want to introduce you to my Uncle
Bill.

A true blue Brooks.

and a student of Americana. A wonderful
man whose new book is going to take this

country by storm.

Yay!

You know, he used to work for me before
he became a famous writer.

Uncle Bill, say hello to the
congressman. Hello.

So you're a writer.

I want you to know that I'm a thousand
percent behind the arts.

What is your book about, Mr. Brooks?

Hobos.

Hobos? Yes. Yes, yes, it's a wonderful
tale of the road. You see, my Uncle Bill

here actually pretended to be a hobo
himself.

Yes, yes.

He lived with hobos, ate with hobos,
actually talked to

hobos. Because that's the kind of author
Bill Brooks is.

Really? Yes, well, I guess I can only
write about the things I know from first

-hand experiences.

And what is your next book going to be
about?

The History of the American Cat House.

Oh, Stan! Stanley, look, it's from Bill.

Oh, oh, look.

He sent me a copy of his book, and he
autographed it to a lovely lady

from an old hobo.

Isn't that sweet?

To a lovely lady.

Well, I guess anything would look good
after spending a lot of years with a

bunch of guys on a freight car.

You told me that everybody has at least
one book in them, so I think I'm going

to write mine.

You write a book?

Mm -hmm. I already have the title.

My Hot Times with Stanley.

Helen, you wouldn't. Oh, don't worry.

It's all...

The Ropers was videotaped in front of a
studio audience.

Thank you for watching.