All language subtitles for the_ropers_s01e04_the_doris_letters

And then insert one H and you slot 2B.

2B.

2B.

Or not 2B.

It won't fit.

And it doesn't look like the Queen Mary.

No, no, it doesn't, does it?

Are you sure you didn't mix up the box
tops? I might have.

Oh. Maybe Mommy can figure it out. How
come Mommy went to the doctor? Is she

sick? No, no, she's not sick.

Is she to have a baby?

Where'd you get that idea?

You and Mommy were spelling out a lot of
words last night. Well, you didn't

understand any of the spelling, did you?

Just B -A -B -Y.

Time for your milk and cookies.

Oh, hi, honey.

Oh. Well?

Well, what did the doctor say?

Good morning, Mrs. Brooks. Yes? Sorry to
have kept you waiting. And then? A lot

of flu going around. Yes? Isn't it warm
for this time of year? And?

And then he told me I'm not pregnant.

You're not? Oh, that's wonderful.

I mean, you're not.

I knew you'd be upset. Honey, I am. I
am.

Well, then why are you smiling?

Well, this is to cheer you up.

Oh.

Come on, Ann.

It's not as if we were trying to have
another child.

It would have happened only because...
Well, because one of us forgot to take

the pill.

It's not all my fault. You know, it
takes two to tango. You're right. You're

absolutely right. May I have this dance?
Sure.

I'm just as disappointed as you are.

Look at it this way.

Now we have a lot more time to think of
a name.

Come on.

Let's have a nice glass of wine. It'll
chew you up.

Who can that be?

Well, we know it's not the stork.

Come on in. Oh, thank you.

Oh, am I interrupting anything?

Yes.

Come in anyway.

Care for a glass of wine? Oh, no, no,
thank you.

I don't want any either. Anne, Anne,
could I talk to you?

Alone? Oh, certainly.

Uh, Jeffrey, do you mind?

No, no, not at all. If you want me, I'll
be outside in the rec room.

Maybe I can find somebody out there who
won't mind having a drink with me.

Put it down.

What is it?

Ann, Stanley has another woman.

I don't believe it. I didn't either till
I found them in an old trunk.

Doris? Who's Doris? I don't know, but
he's been writing her for a long, long

time. And look, they're very intimate.

Oh, look at that writing. It's so hard
to make out.

What I can't make out is Stanley making
out.

You know, I wouldn't worry about it.
These are probably just letters to an

girlfriend. I don't care how old she is.

But he never even mailed them.

Not these. He had to correct them first.
They're full of mistakes. Look at that.

Your eyes are like limpid poles.

Your skin is like alabaster.

And... My husband is cheating on me.

So, it was all a false alarm, huh? Oh,
yeah, thank God. And it wasn't the first

one, either.

Well, that's women for you. You just
can't rely on them.

How many different women have I seen you
with since you've lived here?

In round figures?

Yes, in round figures.

Oh, hiya, Brooks.

Hello.

I didn't know they served wine in here.
They don't.

I haven't met your friend.

That's true. More wine, Pete?

Yeah,

thanks.

Would you pull, Brooks? Yes.

Would you like to play me a game? No.

Smart move. I would have creamed you.

Let me see a trick shot.

Now, getting back to your problem, if
you don't want to be worrying all the

time, you should do what I did.

Have the operation.

What operation?

A vasectomy.

A vasectomy? Sure.

You wear a badge?

Well, it pays to advertise.

Brooks, you want to see something
impossible?

I'm looking at it.

Now watch this.

I'll make the cue ball jump over the
eight ball, knock the two ball in the

pocket, then kiss the seven ball, then
the 11 ball, causing them both to go in

the corner pockets.

My case of a sectomy was really... Wait
a minute. Wait. You had that done to

you?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You sure can't tell?
Not from your voice.

Now, wait a minute. Grover, we are
having a private conversation. Oh, you

trust me. I won't tell a soul.

You know that couple across the street?

They had it done to their tomcat.

It is not the same.

It sure isn't. Cat just sits there.

Won't even go out at night.

Don't you understand?

It's a completely different operation.
Oh, I know that. Yours was done by a

doctor. The cat's was done by a vet.

I'll see you later.

Don't you hate guys that drink and run?

Cheers.

What are you going to do?

I'm going to make him explain these
letters or I'll make him eat them.

I don't think that's such a good idea.

Why not?

With a little ketchup, Stanley will eat
anything.

Helen, I think it's better if he
confesses on his own.

How do I get him to do that?

Well, be roundabout. You know, lead up
to the subject casually.

Drop a little hint here and there.

You mean like, uh... Isn't it a lovely
day, Stanley? And who the hell is Doris?

have to be a little more subtle than
that.

Oh.

Well, all right.

I'll give it a try.

Oh, I'm sorry.

You're sorry?

I'm married to him.

It's a big, wide, wonderful world we
live in. Stanley. When you're in love,

you're a hero. Stanley, I'm not in the
mood.

That's a switch.

you've forgotten to say to me?

Like what?

Something really important about our
marriage.

Is there?

Happy anniversary.

It's our anniversary.

Then what is it?

lady friends that I haven't met?

No.

Have you?

Well, as a matter of fact, there is one
that I never told you about. She works

down at Bailey's Ice Cream Parlor, and
she's really something.

Oh, you really like her a lot, huh?
Well, let me just say this. I like what

does for me.

See, when I get an ice cream cone, she
gives me an extra half scoop.

Is that all?

If she gave me any more, she'd get
fired.

Stanley, look.

Stanley, you know, marriage is like
taking a trip in a car.

Sometimes you reach a crossroads, and
you need a road map to find your way.

What are you talking about? Our marriage
isn't going anyplace.

My sister Ethel's due here any minute.
Will you get that junk off the table?

My mother's face is not junk.

You don't like anything that comes from
my mother.

That's not true.

I got used to you, didn't I?

Okay to say how nice I glued it
together. Look, I bet you can't notice

difference.

You're right.

It's as ugly as ever.

Come on, Stanley, clean up that mess.
You know, Ethel's coming to see the

and you know what a snob she is.

Yeah, yeah.

I can hear her credit cards rattling.

Ethel! How long?

Welcome to our new home.

And your old husband.

Hello, Stanley.

Hi, Ethel. To what do we owe this
unexpected pleasure?

It's not unexpected.

It's not a pleasure, either.

I hope you don't mind me parking my new
Mercedes outside.

It's a 450.

Big deal.

I'd pay 500 for my disorder.

Well, what do you think of our new
place, huh?

Oh, it's, uh... It's, uh... Different.

Small. For Hubert and me, but it's
perfect for you two.

Oh? Well, I mean, we entertain quite a
lot.

And you don't have many friends, do you?

We have enough.

You know, actually, I think that it is
going to be very nice once you get a new

paint job.

It is a new paint job.

Oh, I didn't think they were still using
this color.

Ethel, can you see this?

Why, of course, why?

Well, you're so busy looking down your
nose, I didn't think you could see

anything in front of you.

Well, what's gotten into him?

Oh. You know, Mama's coming today to
stay for a week, and that always upsets

Stanley. Really?

My Hubert gets along with her very well.

Well, your Hubert's used to older women.

That's good, Helen.

Vicious, but good.

that I should tell you about Mother.

She's sort of, um, living in the past.

I don't blame her. It's cheaper.

Anyway, I'm glad Mom is coming to visit.
I don't like the idea of her being

alone so much.

You know, Hilda had her for a week last
year, and she says the poor dear is

really getting very forgetful.

Well, our sister's a fine one to talk
about being forgetful.

She's got five kids, and she's supposed
to be on the pill.

The drugstore was closed again.

Here's your bread, Ethel.

Bread?

What am I supposed to do with these?

Put them in your mouth and make a tongue
sandwich.

Especially in the glove compartment of
my car.

I don't blame you for not liking that
one. It's covered with lint.

That's not lint. It's what's left of my
registration.

Now, where is David? I want to talk to
him.

Uh, not now. He's a little upset.

He got a black eye at school today.

You mean... You mean... He's been
fighting?

My boy.

Oh, I hope he clobbered that other kid.

No, he lost.

And you know how I disapprove of
fighting.

Who was it? He won't tell me.

Oh. Hi, Dad.

Hello there, soldier.

Everything all right? I've got a black
eye. Oh, boy.

You sure do, son.

Now, David.

David, I don't want you to feel bad
about your letting me down by not

today.

Because... Son, I can imagine that your
opponent was what? He was twice your

size, the big bully.

No, smaller.

The little bully.

Well, who was it?

Lassie Wilson.

Uh -huh.

Well, David, first thing tomorrow,
Mommy's going to go out and buy a pair

boxing gloves.

To hit Lassie Wilson?

No, no, David.

I think it's time that someone, someone
finally taught you how to box, huh?

Jab, jab, jab.

Well, do you think we can get that?

Me, David? Me.

I don't want to brag, lad, but I did a
little boxing in college. I'll give you

few pointers and then you'll be able to
go out and destroy Leslie Wilson.

But you told me never to hit girls.

Girls? You mean to tell me that Leslie
is a... Don't worry, David.

A few lessons from me and... And you'll
be able to beat up any girl in your

class.

David has got to learn how to defend
himself.

Okay, but take it easy.

Don't hit him too hard. I won't. I was
talking to David.

Will you stop pacing? You're making me
nervous.

Yeah, well, I can't help it. My own
sister, and she wouldn't even stay to

the rest of the house.

What's the point, Helen?

It's just more of the same, only it's
upstairs.

Will you stop thinking about your sister
and start thinking about how I'm going

to get this vase off the table?

Why don't you use a hammer?

That would break it.

I know.

Uh -uh. Your mother's here.

How can you tell from a doorbell?

It had a nasty ring to it.

Right, it isn't you, Bert.

It's Stanley.

Oh.

Stanley, would you go out and get Mama's
bags and pay for the cab, please?

My mother takes a bus.

Well, now.

Oh, it's so good to be here. How are you
feeling?

Wonderful. I've got a new doctor, and he
wants to put my leg in a medical

journal.

He says there's only one other leg
locket in the whole country.

And I've got that one, too.

You know what the cab costs?

$19 .75.

And on top of that, the guy expected a
tip.

Look at this. That's all I got left from
a 20.

Oh, thank you, Huber.

Stanley.

Stanley, yeah. Stanley paid for the cab.

Oh, no. Stanley would never do that.
He's too cheap.

See you about dinner, Mama.

Helen, wait a minute. You entertain
Mama, Hubert.

How do you like this?

It's for Hilda's new baby.

She's got five lovely children.

Wouldn't you like to have one?

Why, is she giving them away?

Would you like to see my legs?

Don't be sorry. It's a big improvement.

Dinner's almost ready, Mama. I got some
nice boiled fish for you.

Don't I smell lamb chops?

Yes. I'd rather have one of those.

You can have mine.

Good thinking, Ellen.

And I'll have yours. You can have the
fish.

This is going to be one hell of a week.

You know, I'm not too crazy about eating
with her either.

Her false teeth clicking away.

It's like sitting next to a time bomb.

Hasn't been easy for me either, you
know.

You know, yesterday she used my
toothbrush to put on her mascara.

I know it's annoying, Stanley, but after
all, she is my mother.

Yeah, yeah.

And look at the bright side.

Her week is up tomorrow.

It's a shame you're going home tomorrow.

I'm not going home.

here with us.

What am I going to do? I can't throw her
out on the street.

I'm warning you, Helen.

You're going to have to choose between
her and me.

Helen!

Oh, I don't like her here any more than
you do, Stanley, but, well, I just can't

say no to her.

Well, why can't you stay with one of
your sisters?

Well, she can't stay with Hilda. She's
expecting.

Yeah, so is Ethel.

She's expecting us to get stuck with
your mother.

Ethel doesn't even know that Mama sold
her house.

Well, it's time somebody told her.

You know, I am your husband, Helen, and
I do have certain rights.

Ha! It's been weeks since... Other
rights!

Other rights!

You know, I'd like to be able to watch
Name That Tomb without her shouting out

all the answers while I'm still
thinking.

She and Hilda should take Mom apart at a
time.

Hey, I know what.

I'll call the whole family over here for
a meeting.

Meeting? It'll be more like the fight of
the century.

Okay, good.

Soldier, attaboy. Keep them coming.
David, David, don't forget to use your

You mean I could kick you?

No, no.

Footwork. Or in my case, knee work.

I want you to grow up to be able to
fight back.

You mean you want me to grow up to be
like Leslie Wilson?

No, no, David. Now try and catch me with
my guard down, okay? Good, good,

good. A few more lessons like this and
you'll never have to worry about being

bullied at school.

No, you can be bullied at home instead.

Into round 37.

Well, I'd hardly say that I...

Oh, is that the same wine you served the
last time?

Yeah. No, thank you.

I'll have a scotch and soda.

Right.

Hold the soda.

Now, is Hilda going to be in on this...
Family conference. Yes, yes, she is.

What about Fertile Freddy?

Well, I'm sure that she'll bring her
husband along, too.

Well, I think.

Big as ever.

Come on, sit down. We'll help, we'll
help.

Look at them.

Looks like the first scene out of
Macbeth.

All they need is a bubbling cauldron.

What was that, Hubert? Oh, I was just
saying, dear, it's been a long time

this family's gotten together.

Hasn't it, Stanley? Yeah, that last time
was a lot of fun. We had a few drinks

and a few songs. Your mother really had
a lot of laughs.

When was that?

It was Father's funeral.

You didn't bring Frederick, dear?

No. He's a little tired.

That's understandable.

I mean, you did ask him to try and hit
you. Not when I wasn't looking.

How does it look now?

Well, it's kind of cute. You look like
half a panda.

All right, now be careful. Careful,
careful.

Oh, you poor baby.

Yeah.

And this is our hot tub. This is where
people come to... Oh, I can see what

come to.

These are our neighbors, the Brooks.

Nice to see you.

That's a beauty.

The little woman beating you up?

Roper? I got a big excuse for you. Just
tell everybody a little boy did it.

He did do it. Yeah, see, just like that.

What do you say, uh, ten bucks a game,
just to make it interesting?

For money?

Oh, all right.

Eight ball, one and fifteen in the side
pockets, I'll break.

I

think

you've played this game before.

Yes. I had a misfit youth. He was the
one who taught me.

That you remember.

Oh, I've had a good life.

Seen all my daughters happily married.

Except for Helen, of course.

You scratched the eight ball. You owe me
ten bucks.

Oh, those girls think the world of me,
you know.

They're busy thinking the world of you
right now.

Thank you. No, they're not. They're in
there fighting over me, about where I'm

going to live.

What they don't know is that I'm going
to a far, far better place.

Yeah, but that may not be for years.

I'm in New Zealand.

Where?

New Zealand, my brother Arthur.

He invited me to come and live with him.
He sent me the ticket, and I accepted.

Really?

How come you never mentioned this
before?

Well, I was afraid it would upset the
girls.

Upset? They'd be delighted.

And upset.

I'd better go tell the girls about this
sad party.

Brooks,

keep an eye on Mother, will you? What?

You're a good one.

Young man, you must learn to defend
yourself.

Take up boxing.

Good, then you take her.

No, I won't. You take her. You take her.
I don't think Frederick would like

another mouth to feed.

He's not too happy. Hold it!

Now,

I have listened more in sorrow than in
anger to this sad, sad subject of

a family divided against itself.

There's more to life than material
possessions.

There's charity, love, and the pursuit
of happiness.

We hold these truths to be self
-evident.

What are you trying to say, Mr.

Lincoln?

I'm saying that I am willing to have my
mother -in -law stay in my humble home

for as long as she pleases.

I've never been more ashamed in my life.

Me either.

Fighting about where Mother should live.

We were all guilty till Stanley showed
us the way.

I'm just that kind of guy.

Of course, we never would have had this
problem if Mother had gone to stay with

Arthur in New Zealand.

No.

What was that?

Uncle Arthur.

He sent her...

and she was all set to go to New Zealand
when he died.

He what?

20 years ago.

But I appreciate the offer.

Oh. But I like my independence.

Now, this place in Arizona is fantastic.

Full of swinging singles and lots of
pool tables.

Time's waiting.

Oh, thank you.

Bye.

The Ropers was videotaped in front of a
studio audience.

Vicki is reluctant to put down Jack's
lack of performance in the bedroom to

another woman.

Three's a Crowd is next on Deja View.