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1
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Hey, Jake.
2
00:00:07,120 --> 00:00:08,119
Hey, Mom.
3
00:00:08,119 --> 00:00:11,220
Hey, man, who could have dropped Jake
off in the driveway instead of coming
4
00:00:11,220 --> 00:00:12,220
my house?
5
00:00:14,540 --> 00:00:19,140
Yes, I could have, but then I would have
missed this. Go on, Jake.
6
00:00:19,880 --> 00:00:21,640
First of all, Mom, I love you.
7
00:00:23,160 --> 00:00:25,860
Jake, did you call your teacher Big Mama
again?
8
00:00:29,720 --> 00:00:31,680
Mom, you're so funny.
9
00:00:35,660 --> 00:00:37,480
you think about beauty pageants?
10
00:00:38,060 --> 00:00:42,740
Well, Jake, I think beauty pageants are
fine for some people, but you really
11
00:00:42,740 --> 00:00:43,740
ought to stick with soccer.
12
00:00:45,400 --> 00:00:46,520
Oh, stop.
13
00:00:46,860 --> 00:00:47,860
My sides.
14
00:00:51,040 --> 00:00:52,920
We're having a fundraiser at school.
15
00:00:53,160 --> 00:00:57,280
It's a pageant for grandmas. Oh, a
grandma pageant. Really?
16
00:00:57,700 --> 00:01:01,700
Oh, little old ladies going up on stage
strutting their stuff.
17
00:01:01,980 --> 00:01:03,020
That is hilarious.
18
00:01:03,540 --> 00:01:04,539
Yeah.
19
00:01:04,940 --> 00:01:07,520
Yeah, but that's not the funny part. I
signed you up.
20
00:01:11,900 --> 00:01:12,900
Hey!
21
00:01:46,960 --> 00:01:50,820
wear your pageant. Best of all, it's
patriotic. Oh, what exactly could that
22
00:01:50,940 --> 00:01:54,360
Red hair, white face, blue hat. You are
a fag.
23
00:01:55,940 --> 00:01:56,940
Yeah.
24
00:01:59,960 --> 00:02:03,800
Reva, you've told me a thousand times
and I've never listened. You're right.
25
00:02:04,040 --> 00:02:05,760
I should just keep my mouth shut.
26
00:02:07,540 --> 00:02:09,340
I'm just apologizing in advance.
27
00:02:18,990 --> 00:02:20,690
The new fruit in the fruit of the loom?
28
00:02:26,370 --> 00:02:29,130
Brock told me about the pageant. Isn't
it exciting?
29
00:02:29,430 --> 00:02:30,430
What are you doing?
30
00:02:30,510 --> 00:02:35,250
Well, you know, I know that Jake felt
obligated to ask you, but I just wanted
31
00:02:35,250 --> 00:02:38,330
show him what other options were
available.
32
00:02:40,150 --> 00:02:44,310
Yeah, after all, I am a step -grandma.
With the brains of a stepladder.
33
00:02:47,600 --> 00:02:48,640
Wow, Barbara Jean.
34
00:02:49,060 --> 00:02:50,720
You look fantastic.
35
00:02:51,380 --> 00:02:52,380
Oh, this?
36
00:02:52,760 --> 00:02:58,500
This was easy. You know, just an old
pageant gown, some hairspray and makeup,
37
00:02:58,580 --> 00:03:02,500
and three strategically placed rubber
bands.
38
00:03:04,520 --> 00:03:05,520
Oh.
39
00:03:11,100 --> 00:03:13,720
Two. Two rubber bands.
40
00:03:15,760 --> 00:03:16,760
Five.
41
00:03:17,800 --> 00:03:19,880
Yeah, we started with five rubber bands.
42
00:03:23,220 --> 00:03:29,600
Okay. Now, Jake, if you allow me to
represent you in the pageant, I have
43
00:03:29,600 --> 00:03:31,780
song options for the talent portion.
44
00:03:32,100 --> 00:03:35,140
Now, first, and a one, and a two.
45
00:03:35,660 --> 00:03:37,960
I'm a Yankee Doodle dandy.
46
00:03:38,580 --> 00:03:40,200
Yankee Doodle do or die.
47
00:03:41,740 --> 00:03:45,280
Now, something more sedate, like this.
48
00:04:39,440 --> 00:04:40,440
a question. Okay.
49
00:04:40,460 --> 00:04:41,480
What's wrong with you?
50
00:04:45,560 --> 00:04:48,280
I meant a pageant question.
51
00:04:48,900 --> 00:04:52,020
What exactly is missing from your life
that would make you enter a pageant?
52
00:04:53,400 --> 00:04:54,880
That's a good question, Bob.
53
00:04:58,080 --> 00:05:04,280
I want to be a role model, not just to
grandmas, but to all people everywhere.
54
00:05:04,640 --> 00:05:05,640
Hey, now.
55
00:05:08,100 --> 00:05:14,050
To show Compassion for the human race by
visiting children's wards, volunteering
56
00:05:14,050 --> 00:05:17,810
at retirement homes, and reading to the
eyeless.
57
00:05:25,010 --> 00:05:26,490
You mean to the blind?
58
00:05:27,630 --> 00:05:31,630
No. I mean the eyeless who can see.
Okay, gee whiz.
59
00:05:35,630 --> 00:05:36,730
Wow, Barbara Jean.
60
00:05:38,800 --> 00:05:40,160
And you sure didn't know how to tap.
61
00:05:40,840 --> 00:05:45,080
Yeah, but tap dancing to that song was
just a little disrespectful.
62
00:05:45,540 --> 00:05:49,100
Now, if you wore a nun's costume, thou,
no, you know what?
63
00:05:49,480 --> 00:05:51,200
I hear that's a tough habit to break.
64
00:05:54,140 --> 00:05:57,260
No, you're right, Jake. She would be
great. But, you know, you kind of
65
00:05:57,260 --> 00:06:01,900
did ask your mom, and, well, if Barbie
Jean's in it, she's going to make my
66
00:06:01,900 --> 00:06:02,900
miserable.
67
00:06:03,860 --> 00:06:06,520
Actually, Brock, as I recall, you picked
me first, too.
68
00:06:13,440 --> 00:06:16,600
care if Barbara Jean takes your place?
No, she doesn't care. She doesn't care.
69
00:06:16,600 --> 00:06:19,940
You don't care, do you, Reba? Oh, not at
all. No, no. Barbara Jean is really
70
00:06:19,940 --> 00:06:20,940
good at these sort of things.
71
00:06:21,680 --> 00:06:23,020
Truly, she's a natural.
72
00:06:25,160 --> 00:06:29,820
So, Jake, you pick whichever one you
want, and it won't hurt my feelings at
73
00:06:31,160 --> 00:06:32,280
Well... Pick me, pick me.
74
00:06:34,460 --> 00:06:37,180
I guess I pick Barbara Jean.
75
00:06:37,500 --> 00:06:41,240
Yes! I mean, thank you.
76
00:06:41,580 --> 00:06:44,990
And I hope... I hope I can live up to
the confidence and expectations you have
77
00:06:44,990 --> 00:06:45,990
in me.
78
00:06:49,050 --> 00:06:50,050
Okay.
79
00:06:53,070 --> 00:06:54,810
Well, looks like I'm out of the pageant.
80
00:06:55,150 --> 00:06:56,530
So I'm going to go have me some pie.
81
00:07:03,350 --> 00:07:06,790
Mom, what are you doing? You can't let
Barbara Jean enter that pageant. Why
82
00:07:07,110 --> 00:07:08,410
Old people need to laugh, too.
83
00:07:10,210 --> 00:07:13,280
Jake wanted you to be in the contest.
That's why he came up with the idea.
84
00:07:14,460 --> 00:07:15,460
What are you talking about?
85
00:07:15,680 --> 00:07:19,120
It was his idea for the fundraiser. He
told all his buddies that you were going
86
00:07:19,120 --> 00:07:20,760
to win because you're the youngest,
coolest grandma.
87
00:07:21,960 --> 00:07:22,960
He did?
88
00:07:23,200 --> 00:07:26,360
Yeah. And he's a hard enough kid to like
without them seeing that.
89
00:07:31,800 --> 00:07:37,440
Oh, man.
90
00:07:37,740 --> 00:07:40,920
I didn't know it was so important to
him. Of course I'll do it.
91
00:07:42,920 --> 00:07:44,140
Do you have any juggling pins?
92
00:07:44,540 --> 00:07:46,900
Yes, Barbara Jean. They're in the
backyard under the big top.
93
00:07:48,720 --> 00:07:51,920
You won't need them, Barbara Jean. I've
decided to enter the pageant.
94
00:07:52,300 --> 00:07:56,400
Well, that's okay. You don't have to.
Well, I think it's important to Jake
95
00:07:56,400 --> 00:08:01,500
I do it. Well, what I think's important
to Jake is that somebody win.
96
00:08:02,320 --> 00:08:05,120
And let's face it, I have a better
chance.
97
00:08:08,620 --> 00:08:10,640
Really? And why would you say that?
98
00:08:11,180 --> 00:08:12,260
Well, because I have experience.
99
00:08:12,780 --> 00:08:15,880
I have won four beauty contests already.
100
00:08:16,380 --> 00:08:21,680
Miss Value Mart, Miss Knox County Peony,
Miss Tasty Freeze,
101
00:08:21,740 --> 00:08:27,520
and a wet t -shirt contest down in
Galveston.
102
00:08:32,000 --> 00:08:36,539
Why is it the stuff that normal people
try to forget you brag about?
103
00:08:41,390 --> 00:08:43,570
think of it as you not being in the
contest.
104
00:08:43,990 --> 00:08:47,470
Think of it as me saving you from making
a fool of yourself.
105
00:08:50,410 --> 00:08:57,150
Do you have a full -length mirror in
your house?
106
00:09:07,330 --> 00:09:10,210
Reba, you have a great...
107
00:09:20,040 --> 00:09:24,280
Barbara Jean, I'm entering this pageant
because I don't want to disappoint Jake.
108
00:09:24,880 --> 00:09:26,920
But I'm going to whip your butt.
109
00:09:27,460 --> 00:09:29,540
That will be the icing on the cake.
110
00:09:54,160 --> 00:09:55,099
in the pageant.
111
00:09:55,100 --> 00:09:57,280
She got married three times in this
thing. It's lucky.
112
00:09:59,020 --> 00:10:03,260
Mom, you're going to be in a beauty
pageant. You have to wear something, you
113
00:10:03,260 --> 00:10:04,860
know, flashy, something that catches the
eye.
114
00:10:05,160 --> 00:10:08,300
Or turn your head into a flag. I'm
telling you.
115
00:10:13,200 --> 00:10:16,200
Look, Mom, I'm sure if we look way in
the back of your closet, we can find
116
00:10:16,200 --> 00:10:17,200
something sexy.
117
00:10:17,440 --> 00:10:21,440
Diane, I've had three children. The only
thing sexy in my closet is an old
118
00:10:21,440 --> 00:10:22,359
nursing bra.
119
00:10:22,360 --> 00:10:23,860
Hey! Not in front of me.
120
00:10:26,060 --> 00:10:28,660
All right, we'll go shopping tomorrow.
But look, have you thought about what
121
00:10:28,660 --> 00:10:29,760
you're going to do for your talent
routine?
122
00:10:29,960 --> 00:10:31,460
Yes, I'm going to do a comedy routine.
123
00:10:31,940 --> 00:10:33,380
Oh, merciful God, no.
124
00:10:35,360 --> 00:10:38,400
Look, I've been watching a lot of late
-night comics, and it looks easy.
125
00:10:38,860 --> 00:10:41,680
All I need is a little practice, and I
can be as funny as they are.
126
00:10:41,880 --> 00:10:44,040
So sit back, shut up, and laugh.
127
00:10:44,300 --> 00:10:45,840
I might want to work on your intro.
128
00:10:48,240 --> 00:10:49,840
So it's great to be here with you
tonight.
129
00:10:51,850 --> 00:10:52,850
You know, I'm divorced.
130
00:10:53,310 --> 00:10:55,270
So I'm back in the dating world again.
131
00:10:55,890 --> 00:10:57,250
Dating. Wow.
132
00:10:59,050 --> 00:11:01,490
How many of you here are single tonight?
133
00:11:02,150 --> 00:11:03,710
One, two, three.
134
00:11:05,330 --> 00:11:06,890
So, you know what I'm talking about.
135
00:11:09,430 --> 00:11:12,850
So, New York.
136
00:11:13,970 --> 00:11:14,970
Wow.
137
00:11:16,190 --> 00:11:18,370
How many of you are here from New York?
138
00:11:23,440 --> 00:11:24,880
Cats and dogs sure are different, huh?
139
00:11:25,380 --> 00:11:26,380
You suck!
140
00:11:32,840 --> 00:11:35,620
I'm sorry, Mrs. H, but that's what they
do at the clubs.
141
00:11:37,300 --> 00:11:41,020
Mom, no offense, but I really, I don't
think stand -up's your thing.
142
00:11:41,320 --> 00:11:42,760
Well, I can't do anything else.
143
00:11:43,380 --> 00:11:44,380
Comedy's all I know.
144
00:14:23,370 --> 00:14:25,490
And I feel overdressed for Vegas.
145
00:14:26,050 --> 00:14:29,490
Mom, you look fabulous.
146
00:14:29,830 --> 00:14:32,650
And considering what you did look like,
I'm brilliant.
147
00:14:34,330 --> 00:14:35,970
Okay, I have to go. I found a set of
teeth.
148
00:14:39,690 --> 00:14:40,690
Hello, Reba.
149
00:14:42,390 --> 00:14:43,390
Barbara Jean.
150
00:14:53,610 --> 00:14:54,610
I like your speech.
151
00:14:56,170 --> 00:14:57,370
Makes you sound smart.
152
00:14:59,070 --> 00:15:01,030
I'm practicing my elocution.
153
00:15:01,470 --> 00:15:04,990
One more weapon in my arsenal with which
to defeat you.
154
00:15:05,530 --> 00:15:07,150
You. You.
155
00:15:08,290 --> 00:15:10,430
I feel like I'm staring into a fish
tank.
156
00:15:13,190 --> 00:15:15,510
Hey, I got your stuff, honey.
157
00:15:15,830 --> 00:15:18,090
We, uh, and, uh... Yeah.
158
00:15:19,910 --> 00:15:21,130
Hey, Reba. Hey.
159
00:15:23,229 --> 00:15:24,229
Listen, you two.
160
00:15:24,630 --> 00:15:26,130
I want you to remember something.
161
00:15:27,030 --> 00:15:30,930
This pageant is for the school. It's not
a competition between the two of you.
162
00:15:31,350 --> 00:15:36,850
So no matter who wins or loses, the most
important thing is don't take it out on
163
00:15:36,850 --> 00:15:37,850
me.
164
00:15:42,870 --> 00:15:45,650
The old Vaseline trick, eh?
165
00:15:46,690 --> 00:15:48,390
You newbies just kill me.
166
00:15:49,900 --> 00:15:52,840
Hope you know if you put too much of
that on, your lips get all slippery and
167
00:15:52,840 --> 00:15:54,120
start to slur your words.
168
00:15:55,700 --> 00:15:58,240
Thanks. I can handle this on my own.
169
00:16:00,860 --> 00:16:03,480
Ladies and gentlemen, please take your
seats.
170
00:16:05,320 --> 00:16:06,920
The pageant's going to start soon.
171
00:16:07,420 --> 00:16:08,540
Shouldn't you go change?
172
00:16:09,580 --> 00:16:11,240
Shouldn't you apply some more rubber
bands?
173
00:16:12,820 --> 00:16:13,820
Shouldn't you go?
174
00:16:14,680 --> 00:16:15,680
Shouldn't you go?
175
00:16:20,110 --> 00:16:21,290
I'm looking for Grandma Hart.
176
00:16:21,530 --> 00:16:22,530
Oh, that'd be me.
177
00:16:23,470 --> 00:16:26,630
I'm sorry, but we can only have one
grandma for each family.
178
00:16:26,890 --> 00:16:29,730
So which of you is going to represent
the Hart? Me. That'd be me.
179
00:16:30,930 --> 00:16:31,930
Okay.
180
00:16:32,010 --> 00:16:35,070
Why don't you two work it out, and I'll
check back with you. Okay.
181
00:16:36,490 --> 00:16:39,650
There's only going to be one of us. That
one of us is going to be me. Oh, well,
182
00:16:39,730 --> 00:16:40,730
I don't think so.
183
00:16:40,870 --> 00:16:42,270
That crown is mine.
184
00:16:42,510 --> 00:16:46,130
I'm Elizabeth's real grandma. You're
just a crazy woman who married Grandpa.
185
00:16:50,280 --> 00:16:51,199
in this one.
186
00:16:51,200 --> 00:16:52,200
Why?
187
00:16:52,940 --> 00:16:55,060
How many do you have to win until it's
enough?
188
00:16:56,980 --> 00:16:57,980
One.
189
00:16:59,520 --> 00:17:01,380
What? You heard me.
190
00:17:01,920 --> 00:17:04,180
I just want to win one.
191
00:17:04,760 --> 00:17:05,880
Wait a minute.
192
00:17:06,200 --> 00:17:10,140
What about all those other pageants? I
thought you were Miss Frozen Meats or
193
00:17:10,140 --> 00:17:11,140
something.
194
00:17:11,599 --> 00:17:13,359
It was Miss Tasty Freeze.
195
00:17:14,020 --> 00:17:16,720
I came in last. I always come in last.
196
00:17:17,460 --> 00:17:19,200
Even at the wet t -shirt contest.
197
00:17:20,970 --> 00:17:22,089
I was supposed to know was a gay bar.
198
00:17:27,089 --> 00:17:30,330
Well, if none of them ever worked out,
why the heck did you want to enter
199
00:17:30,330 --> 00:17:35,070
another pageant? Well, I figured I could
finally whoop a bunch of old grandmas.
200
00:17:35,790 --> 00:17:38,590
I didn't figure that one of those old
grandmas was going to be you.
201
00:17:39,750 --> 00:17:42,190
Who's going to vote for me if you're in
the contest?
202
00:17:43,010 --> 00:17:47,430
Barbara Jean. You know, ever since I was
a little girl,
203
00:17:50,280 --> 00:17:51,500
wanted to be was a beauty queen.
204
00:17:52,680 --> 00:17:57,700
They were... They were like beautiful
queens.
205
00:18:04,500 --> 00:18:08,720
But in real life, they were just small
-town girls who worked at the Piggly
206
00:18:08,720 --> 00:18:09,720
Wiggly.
207
00:18:11,000 --> 00:18:12,000
Just like me.
208
00:18:13,680 --> 00:18:16,200
So, do we have a grandma heart yet?
209
00:18:17,820 --> 00:18:18,820
Yes.
210
00:18:19,760 --> 00:18:20,759
It's her.
211
00:18:20,760 --> 00:18:21,760
Good.
212
00:18:21,880 --> 00:18:24,040
Ladies, we'll be following on stage in
just a minute.
213
00:18:26,240 --> 00:18:27,260
We've watched you do that?
214
00:18:31,160 --> 00:18:33,160
Because I know how much it means to you.
215
00:18:34,160 --> 00:18:35,280
You'll be great, Barbara Jean.
216
00:18:35,600 --> 00:18:36,600
Thanks.
217
00:18:46,480 --> 00:18:47,820
Oh, excuse me.
218
00:18:48,350 --> 00:18:52,110
Just between us grandmas I am hotter
looking and she is right
219
00:19:19,180 --> 00:19:21,300
Feels so good to get out of those high
heels.
220
00:19:21,560 --> 00:19:22,740
Oh, tell me about it.
221
00:19:27,140 --> 00:19:33,260
Ladies and gentlemen, presenting the
reigning queen of the Parker Elementary
222
00:19:33,260 --> 00:19:35,520
School pageant of grandmas, Mrs.
223
00:19:35,760 --> 00:19:37,100
Barbara Jean Hart.
224
00:19:47,720 --> 00:19:50,140
That's the way she's going to enter
every room for the next six months.
225
00:19:53,320 --> 00:19:55,020
I'm very happy for you, Barbara Jean.
226
00:19:55,640 --> 00:19:57,980
Oh, honey, can you get me a soda?
227
00:20:00,800 --> 00:20:02,240
What took you guys so long?
228
00:20:02,540 --> 00:20:05,700
We had to stop and buy a tiara. Hey,
they should have had one.
229
00:20:08,320 --> 00:20:10,000
Here's your pie, Van. Oh, thanks.
230
00:20:10,260 --> 00:20:11,260
Hey, can you get me a soda?
231
00:20:11,640 --> 00:20:12,820
What am I, your wife?
232
00:20:16,840 --> 00:20:18,940
You okay with it that I didn't get to
enter the contest?
233
00:20:19,300 --> 00:20:22,720
Yeah, it was way better that Barbara
Jean entered. She was awesome.
234
00:20:24,460 --> 00:20:29,140
Oh. My friends thought it was so cool
when your baton lit the curtain on fire.
235
00:20:37,860 --> 00:20:40,040
Those old ladies sure can run, can't
they?
236
00:20:44,020 --> 00:20:49,100
Next, the WB's Frantastic Friday
continues with a bonus episode of Living
237
00:20:49,100 --> 00:20:50,100
Fran.
18674
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