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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:06,320 --> 00:00:07,119 Hey, Jake. 2 00:00:07,120 --> 00:00:08,119 Hey, Mom. 3 00:00:08,119 --> 00:00:11,220 Hey, man, who could have dropped Jake off in the driveway instead of coming 4 00:00:11,220 --> 00:00:12,220 my house? 5 00:00:14,540 --> 00:00:19,140 Yes, I could have, but then I would have missed this. Go on, Jake. 6 00:00:19,880 --> 00:00:21,640 First of all, Mom, I love you. 7 00:00:23,160 --> 00:00:25,860 Jake, did you call your teacher Big Mama again? 8 00:00:29,720 --> 00:00:31,680 Mom, you're so funny. 9 00:00:35,660 --> 00:00:37,480 you think about beauty pageants? 10 00:00:38,060 --> 00:00:42,740 Well, Jake, I think beauty pageants are fine for some people, but you really 11 00:00:42,740 --> 00:00:43,740 ought to stick with soccer. 12 00:00:45,400 --> 00:00:46,520 Oh, stop. 13 00:00:46,860 --> 00:00:47,860 My sides. 14 00:00:51,040 --> 00:00:52,920 We're having a fundraiser at school. 15 00:00:53,160 --> 00:00:57,280 It's a pageant for grandmas. Oh, a grandma pageant. Really? 16 00:00:57,700 --> 00:01:01,700 Oh, little old ladies going up on stage strutting their stuff. 17 00:01:01,980 --> 00:01:03,020 That is hilarious. 18 00:01:03,540 --> 00:01:04,539 Yeah. 19 00:01:04,940 --> 00:01:07,520 Yeah, but that's not the funny part. I signed you up. 20 00:01:11,900 --> 00:01:12,900 Hey! 21 00:01:46,960 --> 00:01:50,820 wear your pageant. Best of all, it's patriotic. Oh, what exactly could that 22 00:01:50,940 --> 00:01:54,360 Red hair, white face, blue hat. You are a fag. 23 00:01:55,940 --> 00:01:56,940 Yeah. 24 00:01:59,960 --> 00:02:03,800 Reva, you've told me a thousand times and I've never listened. You're right. 25 00:02:04,040 --> 00:02:05,760 I should just keep my mouth shut. 26 00:02:07,540 --> 00:02:09,340 I'm just apologizing in advance. 27 00:02:18,990 --> 00:02:20,690 The new fruit in the fruit of the loom? 28 00:02:26,370 --> 00:02:29,130 Brock told me about the pageant. Isn't it exciting? 29 00:02:29,430 --> 00:02:30,430 What are you doing? 30 00:02:30,510 --> 00:02:35,250 Well, you know, I know that Jake felt obligated to ask you, but I just wanted 31 00:02:35,250 --> 00:02:38,330 show him what other options were available. 32 00:02:40,150 --> 00:02:44,310 Yeah, after all, I am a step -grandma. With the brains of a stepladder. 33 00:02:47,600 --> 00:02:48,640 Wow, Barbara Jean. 34 00:02:49,060 --> 00:02:50,720 You look fantastic. 35 00:02:51,380 --> 00:02:52,380 Oh, this? 36 00:02:52,760 --> 00:02:58,500 This was easy. You know, just an old pageant gown, some hairspray and makeup, 37 00:02:58,580 --> 00:03:02,500 and three strategically placed rubber bands. 38 00:03:04,520 --> 00:03:05,520 Oh. 39 00:03:11,100 --> 00:03:13,720 Two. Two rubber bands. 40 00:03:15,760 --> 00:03:16,760 Five. 41 00:03:17,800 --> 00:03:19,880 Yeah, we started with five rubber bands. 42 00:03:23,220 --> 00:03:29,600 Okay. Now, Jake, if you allow me to represent you in the pageant, I have 43 00:03:29,600 --> 00:03:31,780 song options for the talent portion. 44 00:03:32,100 --> 00:03:35,140 Now, first, and a one, and a two. 45 00:03:35,660 --> 00:03:37,960 I'm a Yankee Doodle dandy. 46 00:03:38,580 --> 00:03:40,200 Yankee Doodle do or die. 47 00:03:41,740 --> 00:03:45,280 Now, something more sedate, like this. 48 00:04:39,440 --> 00:04:40,440 a question. Okay. 49 00:04:40,460 --> 00:04:41,480 What's wrong with you? 50 00:04:45,560 --> 00:04:48,280 I meant a pageant question. 51 00:04:48,900 --> 00:04:52,020 What exactly is missing from your life that would make you enter a pageant? 52 00:04:53,400 --> 00:04:54,880 That's a good question, Bob. 53 00:04:58,080 --> 00:05:04,280 I want to be a role model, not just to grandmas, but to all people everywhere. 54 00:05:04,640 --> 00:05:05,640 Hey, now. 55 00:05:08,100 --> 00:05:14,050 To show Compassion for the human race by visiting children's wards, volunteering 56 00:05:14,050 --> 00:05:17,810 at retirement homes, and reading to the eyeless. 57 00:05:25,010 --> 00:05:26,490 You mean to the blind? 58 00:05:27,630 --> 00:05:31,630 No. I mean the eyeless who can see. Okay, gee whiz. 59 00:05:35,630 --> 00:05:36,730 Wow, Barbara Jean. 60 00:05:38,800 --> 00:05:40,160 And you sure didn't know how to tap. 61 00:05:40,840 --> 00:05:45,080 Yeah, but tap dancing to that song was just a little disrespectful. 62 00:05:45,540 --> 00:05:49,100 Now, if you wore a nun's costume, thou, no, you know what? 63 00:05:49,480 --> 00:05:51,200 I hear that's a tough habit to break. 64 00:05:54,140 --> 00:05:57,260 No, you're right, Jake. She would be great. But, you know, you kind of 65 00:05:57,260 --> 00:06:01,900 did ask your mom, and, well, if Barbie Jean's in it, she's going to make my 66 00:06:01,900 --> 00:06:02,900 miserable. 67 00:06:03,860 --> 00:06:06,520 Actually, Brock, as I recall, you picked me first, too. 68 00:06:13,440 --> 00:06:16,600 care if Barbara Jean takes your place? No, she doesn't care. She doesn't care. 69 00:06:16,600 --> 00:06:19,940 You don't care, do you, Reba? Oh, not at all. No, no. Barbara Jean is really 70 00:06:19,940 --> 00:06:20,940 good at these sort of things. 71 00:06:21,680 --> 00:06:23,020 Truly, she's a natural. 72 00:06:25,160 --> 00:06:29,820 So, Jake, you pick whichever one you want, and it won't hurt my feelings at 73 00:06:31,160 --> 00:06:32,280 Well... Pick me, pick me. 74 00:06:34,460 --> 00:06:37,180 I guess I pick Barbara Jean. 75 00:06:37,500 --> 00:06:41,240 Yes! I mean, thank you. 76 00:06:41,580 --> 00:06:44,990 And I hope... I hope I can live up to the confidence and expectations you have 77 00:06:44,990 --> 00:06:45,990 in me. 78 00:06:49,050 --> 00:06:50,050 Okay. 79 00:06:53,070 --> 00:06:54,810 Well, looks like I'm out of the pageant. 80 00:06:55,150 --> 00:06:56,530 So I'm going to go have me some pie. 81 00:07:03,350 --> 00:07:06,790 Mom, what are you doing? You can't let Barbara Jean enter that pageant. Why 82 00:07:07,110 --> 00:07:08,410 Old people need to laugh, too. 83 00:07:10,210 --> 00:07:13,280 Jake wanted you to be in the contest. That's why he came up with the idea. 84 00:07:14,460 --> 00:07:15,460 What are you talking about? 85 00:07:15,680 --> 00:07:19,120 It was his idea for the fundraiser. He told all his buddies that you were going 86 00:07:19,120 --> 00:07:20,760 to win because you're the youngest, coolest grandma. 87 00:07:21,960 --> 00:07:22,960 He did? 88 00:07:23,200 --> 00:07:26,360 Yeah. And he's a hard enough kid to like without them seeing that. 89 00:07:31,800 --> 00:07:37,440 Oh, man. 90 00:07:37,740 --> 00:07:40,920 I didn't know it was so important to him. Of course I'll do it. 91 00:07:42,920 --> 00:07:44,140 Do you have any juggling pins? 92 00:07:44,540 --> 00:07:46,900 Yes, Barbara Jean. They're in the backyard under the big top. 93 00:07:48,720 --> 00:07:51,920 You won't need them, Barbara Jean. I've decided to enter the pageant. 94 00:07:52,300 --> 00:07:56,400 Well, that's okay. You don't have to. Well, I think it's important to Jake 95 00:07:56,400 --> 00:08:01,500 I do it. Well, what I think's important to Jake is that somebody win. 96 00:08:02,320 --> 00:08:05,120 And let's face it, I have a better chance. 97 00:08:08,620 --> 00:08:10,640 Really? And why would you say that? 98 00:08:11,180 --> 00:08:12,260 Well, because I have experience. 99 00:08:12,780 --> 00:08:15,880 I have won four beauty contests already. 100 00:08:16,380 --> 00:08:21,680 Miss Value Mart, Miss Knox County Peony, Miss Tasty Freeze, 101 00:08:21,740 --> 00:08:27,520 and a wet t -shirt contest down in Galveston. 102 00:08:32,000 --> 00:08:36,539 Why is it the stuff that normal people try to forget you brag about? 103 00:08:41,390 --> 00:08:43,570 think of it as you not being in the contest. 104 00:08:43,990 --> 00:08:47,470 Think of it as me saving you from making a fool of yourself. 105 00:08:50,410 --> 00:08:57,150 Do you have a full -length mirror in your house? 106 00:09:07,330 --> 00:09:10,210 Reba, you have a great... 107 00:09:20,040 --> 00:09:24,280 Barbara Jean, I'm entering this pageant because I don't want to disappoint Jake. 108 00:09:24,880 --> 00:09:26,920 But I'm going to whip your butt. 109 00:09:27,460 --> 00:09:29,540 That will be the icing on the cake. 110 00:09:54,160 --> 00:09:55,099 in the pageant. 111 00:09:55,100 --> 00:09:57,280 She got married three times in this thing. It's lucky. 112 00:09:59,020 --> 00:10:03,260 Mom, you're going to be in a beauty pageant. You have to wear something, you 113 00:10:03,260 --> 00:10:04,860 know, flashy, something that catches the eye. 114 00:10:05,160 --> 00:10:08,300 Or turn your head into a flag. I'm telling you. 115 00:10:13,200 --> 00:10:16,200 Look, Mom, I'm sure if we look way in the back of your closet, we can find 116 00:10:16,200 --> 00:10:17,200 something sexy. 117 00:10:17,440 --> 00:10:21,440 Diane, I've had three children. The only thing sexy in my closet is an old 118 00:10:21,440 --> 00:10:22,359 nursing bra. 119 00:10:22,360 --> 00:10:23,860 Hey! Not in front of me. 120 00:10:26,060 --> 00:10:28,660 All right, we'll go shopping tomorrow. But look, have you thought about what 121 00:10:28,660 --> 00:10:29,760 you're going to do for your talent routine? 122 00:10:29,960 --> 00:10:31,460 Yes, I'm going to do a comedy routine. 123 00:10:31,940 --> 00:10:33,380 Oh, merciful God, no. 124 00:10:35,360 --> 00:10:38,400 Look, I've been watching a lot of late -night comics, and it looks easy. 125 00:10:38,860 --> 00:10:41,680 All I need is a little practice, and I can be as funny as they are. 126 00:10:41,880 --> 00:10:44,040 So sit back, shut up, and laugh. 127 00:10:44,300 --> 00:10:45,840 I might want to work on your intro. 128 00:10:48,240 --> 00:10:49,840 So it's great to be here with you tonight. 129 00:10:51,850 --> 00:10:52,850 You know, I'm divorced. 130 00:10:53,310 --> 00:10:55,270 So I'm back in the dating world again. 131 00:10:55,890 --> 00:10:57,250 Dating. Wow. 132 00:10:59,050 --> 00:11:01,490 How many of you here are single tonight? 133 00:11:02,150 --> 00:11:03,710 One, two, three. 134 00:11:05,330 --> 00:11:06,890 So, you know what I'm talking about. 135 00:11:09,430 --> 00:11:12,850 So, New York. 136 00:11:13,970 --> 00:11:14,970 Wow. 137 00:11:16,190 --> 00:11:18,370 How many of you are here from New York? 138 00:11:23,440 --> 00:11:24,880 Cats and dogs sure are different, huh? 139 00:11:25,380 --> 00:11:26,380 You suck! 140 00:11:32,840 --> 00:11:35,620 I'm sorry, Mrs. H, but that's what they do at the clubs. 141 00:11:37,300 --> 00:11:41,020 Mom, no offense, but I really, I don't think stand -up's your thing. 142 00:11:41,320 --> 00:11:42,760 Well, I can't do anything else. 143 00:11:43,380 --> 00:11:44,380 Comedy's all I know. 144 00:14:23,370 --> 00:14:25,490 And I feel overdressed for Vegas. 145 00:14:26,050 --> 00:14:29,490 Mom, you look fabulous. 146 00:14:29,830 --> 00:14:32,650 And considering what you did look like, I'm brilliant. 147 00:14:34,330 --> 00:14:35,970 Okay, I have to go. I found a set of teeth. 148 00:14:39,690 --> 00:14:40,690 Hello, Reba. 149 00:14:42,390 --> 00:14:43,390 Barbara Jean. 150 00:14:53,610 --> 00:14:54,610 I like your speech. 151 00:14:56,170 --> 00:14:57,370 Makes you sound smart. 152 00:14:59,070 --> 00:15:01,030 I'm practicing my elocution. 153 00:15:01,470 --> 00:15:04,990 One more weapon in my arsenal with which to defeat you. 154 00:15:05,530 --> 00:15:07,150 You. You. 155 00:15:08,290 --> 00:15:10,430 I feel like I'm staring into a fish tank. 156 00:15:13,190 --> 00:15:15,510 Hey, I got your stuff, honey. 157 00:15:15,830 --> 00:15:18,090 We, uh, and, uh... Yeah. 158 00:15:19,910 --> 00:15:21,130 Hey, Reba. Hey. 159 00:15:23,229 --> 00:15:24,229 Listen, you two. 160 00:15:24,630 --> 00:15:26,130 I want you to remember something. 161 00:15:27,030 --> 00:15:30,930 This pageant is for the school. It's not a competition between the two of you. 162 00:15:31,350 --> 00:15:36,850 So no matter who wins or loses, the most important thing is don't take it out on 163 00:15:36,850 --> 00:15:37,850 me. 164 00:15:42,870 --> 00:15:45,650 The old Vaseline trick, eh? 165 00:15:46,690 --> 00:15:48,390 You newbies just kill me. 166 00:15:49,900 --> 00:15:52,840 Hope you know if you put too much of that on, your lips get all slippery and 167 00:15:52,840 --> 00:15:54,120 start to slur your words. 168 00:15:55,700 --> 00:15:58,240 Thanks. I can handle this on my own. 169 00:16:00,860 --> 00:16:03,480 Ladies and gentlemen, please take your seats. 170 00:16:05,320 --> 00:16:06,920 The pageant's going to start soon. 171 00:16:07,420 --> 00:16:08,540 Shouldn't you go change? 172 00:16:09,580 --> 00:16:11,240 Shouldn't you apply some more rubber bands? 173 00:16:12,820 --> 00:16:13,820 Shouldn't you go? 174 00:16:14,680 --> 00:16:15,680 Shouldn't you go? 175 00:16:20,110 --> 00:16:21,290 I'm looking for Grandma Hart. 176 00:16:21,530 --> 00:16:22,530 Oh, that'd be me. 177 00:16:23,470 --> 00:16:26,630 I'm sorry, but we can only have one grandma for each family. 178 00:16:26,890 --> 00:16:29,730 So which of you is going to represent the Hart? Me. That'd be me. 179 00:16:30,930 --> 00:16:31,930 Okay. 180 00:16:32,010 --> 00:16:35,070 Why don't you two work it out, and I'll check back with you. Okay. 181 00:16:36,490 --> 00:16:39,650 There's only going to be one of us. That one of us is going to be me. Oh, well, 182 00:16:39,730 --> 00:16:40,730 I don't think so. 183 00:16:40,870 --> 00:16:42,270 That crown is mine. 184 00:16:42,510 --> 00:16:46,130 I'm Elizabeth's real grandma. You're just a crazy woman who married Grandpa. 185 00:16:50,280 --> 00:16:51,199 in this one. 186 00:16:51,200 --> 00:16:52,200 Why? 187 00:16:52,940 --> 00:16:55,060 How many do you have to win until it's enough? 188 00:16:56,980 --> 00:16:57,980 One. 189 00:16:59,520 --> 00:17:01,380 What? You heard me. 190 00:17:01,920 --> 00:17:04,180 I just want to win one. 191 00:17:04,760 --> 00:17:05,880 Wait a minute. 192 00:17:06,200 --> 00:17:10,140 What about all those other pageants? I thought you were Miss Frozen Meats or 193 00:17:10,140 --> 00:17:11,140 something. 194 00:17:11,599 --> 00:17:13,359 It was Miss Tasty Freeze. 195 00:17:14,020 --> 00:17:16,720 I came in last. I always come in last. 196 00:17:17,460 --> 00:17:19,200 Even at the wet t -shirt contest. 197 00:17:20,970 --> 00:17:22,089 I was supposed to know was a gay bar. 198 00:17:27,089 --> 00:17:30,330 Well, if none of them ever worked out, why the heck did you want to enter 199 00:17:30,330 --> 00:17:35,070 another pageant? Well, I figured I could finally whoop a bunch of old grandmas. 200 00:17:35,790 --> 00:17:38,590 I didn't figure that one of those old grandmas was going to be you. 201 00:17:39,750 --> 00:17:42,190 Who's going to vote for me if you're in the contest? 202 00:17:43,010 --> 00:17:47,430 Barbara Jean. You know, ever since I was a little girl, 203 00:17:50,280 --> 00:17:51,500 wanted to be was a beauty queen. 204 00:17:52,680 --> 00:17:57,700 They were... They were like beautiful queens. 205 00:18:04,500 --> 00:18:08,720 But in real life, they were just small -town girls who worked at the Piggly 206 00:18:08,720 --> 00:18:09,720 Wiggly. 207 00:18:11,000 --> 00:18:12,000 Just like me. 208 00:18:13,680 --> 00:18:16,200 So, do we have a grandma heart yet? 209 00:18:17,820 --> 00:18:18,820 Yes. 210 00:18:19,760 --> 00:18:20,759 It's her. 211 00:18:20,760 --> 00:18:21,760 Good. 212 00:18:21,880 --> 00:18:24,040 Ladies, we'll be following on stage in just a minute. 213 00:18:26,240 --> 00:18:27,260 We've watched you do that? 214 00:18:31,160 --> 00:18:33,160 Because I know how much it means to you. 215 00:18:34,160 --> 00:18:35,280 You'll be great, Barbara Jean. 216 00:18:35,600 --> 00:18:36,600 Thanks. 217 00:18:46,480 --> 00:18:47,820 Oh, excuse me. 218 00:18:48,350 --> 00:18:52,110 Just between us grandmas I am hotter looking and she is right 219 00:19:19,180 --> 00:19:21,300 Feels so good to get out of those high heels. 220 00:19:21,560 --> 00:19:22,740 Oh, tell me about it. 221 00:19:27,140 --> 00:19:33,260 Ladies and gentlemen, presenting the reigning queen of the Parker Elementary 222 00:19:33,260 --> 00:19:35,520 School pageant of grandmas, Mrs. 223 00:19:35,760 --> 00:19:37,100 Barbara Jean Hart. 224 00:19:47,720 --> 00:19:50,140 That's the way she's going to enter every room for the next six months. 225 00:19:53,320 --> 00:19:55,020 I'm very happy for you, Barbara Jean. 226 00:19:55,640 --> 00:19:57,980 Oh, honey, can you get me a soda? 227 00:20:00,800 --> 00:20:02,240 What took you guys so long? 228 00:20:02,540 --> 00:20:05,700 We had to stop and buy a tiara. Hey, they should have had one. 229 00:20:08,320 --> 00:20:10,000 Here's your pie, Van. Oh, thanks. 230 00:20:10,260 --> 00:20:11,260 Hey, can you get me a soda? 231 00:20:11,640 --> 00:20:12,820 What am I, your wife? 232 00:20:16,840 --> 00:20:18,940 You okay with it that I didn't get to enter the contest? 233 00:20:19,300 --> 00:20:22,720 Yeah, it was way better that Barbara Jean entered. She was awesome. 234 00:20:24,460 --> 00:20:29,140 Oh. My friends thought it was so cool when your baton lit the curtain on fire. 235 00:20:37,860 --> 00:20:40,040 Those old ladies sure can run, can't they? 236 00:20:44,020 --> 00:20:49,100 Next, the WB's Frantastic Friday continues with a bonus episode of Living 237 00:20:49,100 --> 00:20:50,100 Fran. 17631