Original subtitles

That's the... C-Come here. That's the Baron.

-Come on, Barry. -Come on.

(laughing): We are so high.

We're on drugblood.

Put the hat on. Oh, yeah...

-Oh! Ugh, no. -LASZLO: Shit.

-NADJA: I broke his half off. -NANDOR: His bodies' half off.

LASZLO: No, no, no, he's just coming through the floor.

Guillermo?

Help us! Don't just stand there.

I don't think that's Guillermo.

-Guillermo? -LASZLO: No.

N-No, Nandor, that's the StairMaster.

The master of the stairs.

-We fucked up. This is bad. -Where's Guiller...

(in distance): Guillermo!

Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God. Oh, my God...

("You're Dead" by Norma Tanega playing)

* Don't sing if you want to live long *

* They have no use for your song *

* You're dead, you're dead, you're dead *

* You're dead and out of this world *

* Now your hope and compassion is gone *

* You sold out your dream to the world *

* Stay dead, stay dead, stay dead *

* You're dead and out of this world. *

*

(bell tolling)

NANDOR: We are gathered here tonight in our backyard

to commemorate the second death of the Baron.

NADJA: We are having a ceremony

to commemorate the Baron's passing.

Problem is, though,

we don't remember how he died,

because we were absolutely

messed up on drugblood.

And as a sign of respect, we have decided to bury you

betwixt my two favorite vaginas:

that of my wife and my mother.

Baron, such a wonderful, filthy times

we did have.

-(snickering) -What a way

to live your life after death,

and what a way to die.

(bell tolling)

Did we murder him?

LASZLO: We, um, we might have floated the idea

of murdering him, but we didn't do it.

Did we?

NADJA: Oh, I think something awful happened.

Fuck.

LASZLO: Maybe we should keep this under our hats.

If any vampires find out about this,

then it... (quacks)

(bell tolling)

Give the Baron his last sip.

-Of course. -(Nadja humming a tune)

(Nandor and Laszlo humming along)

NADJA: So just get him in.

-Yep. -Goodbye, Baron.

(raven squawks)

Master, there's a raven looking at us.

(squawking)

It is a bad omen. It means that

bad luck is approaching.

-Hey, gang. -(all groan)

What's up? Oh!

Oh, my God.

Did-did you guys kill him?

-No! No one murdered him. -No! What... He was just... -We found him in there.

(laughs): I'm just giving you guff.

And, uh, just so you know, I am feeding on you guys right now.

NADJA: You can be such a prick, Colin.

COLIN: I have heard that.

Shit. The Baron's familiar.

(ravens squawking)

There's more ravens. They're giving me the shits.

NANDOR: Guillermo, shield us from the ravens.

NADJA: The sky is filled with them.

-No, let's just go inside. -Let's go inside.

Fill the hole. Keep filling.

GUILLERMO: But the ravens...

NADJA: They're everywhere!

(whimpers)

There are ravens all over the front lawn now, too.

They're trying to frighten us. But it won't work.

-(thump) -ALL: Aah! -NADJA: What is going on?

-GUILLERMO: Master. -ALL: Aah! -LASZLO: Ay yai yai.

There's a floating woman on the front porch.

She needs to talk to you.

You have been summoned...

(thunder claps)

...to appear before the Vampiric Council

at the Temple of Blood-Devourers.

Could you not have just telephoned?

We sent ravens.

We sent 500 ravens!

Yes, but we have a telephone.

I'm shocked and appalled that you didn't raven us back.

We didn't know how.

You just say, "Raven, we will be there.

Thank you. Fly."

You've been invited.

(thunder claps)

(hissing)

Couldn't you just have telephoned?

NANDOR: The Vampiric Council is a very ancient organization.

Very powerful. And, apparently,

very scary.

LASZLO: They travel from all corners of the globe

to administer supreme and final justice

upon any vampire

who's violated the Vampiric Code.

Laszlo was very nearly summoned when he turned a baby

into a vampire, which is a big no-no.

It's true. You're not supposed to do that.

But, to be honest, I was bored.

I gave it to an acquaintance in the Bronx,

where, I believe,

it remains to this day.

That baby would be about 90 years old now.

You really fucked up there.

I certainly did.

Maybe we should visit it.

I'd rather not.

Here it is.

NANDOR: Okay, so, obviously, we are all on edge.

This could be about anything,

-so we must say nothing about you-know-what. -Obviously.

LASZLO: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa...

NADJA: It is that woman.

LASZLO: I think she wants us to come inside.

Hello again.

Follow me.

So glad you could make it.

(clears throat)

-(elevator bell chimes) -Oh.

Enter.

(whispers): How did she do that?

(Muzak playing)

-(elevator bell chimes) -Oh.

And we're here.

And follow me.

How does she do that?

The Tribunal have gathered in the Chamber of Judgment,

and there you'll be put on trial.

NADJA: Why does this hallway never end?

Well, it's just a freaky-long hallway.

I thought the Council was bigger than that.

-Maybe we can battle them. -Shh!

GUIDE: Enter.

Not the human.

Vampire-only trial, Guillermo.

What will happen to me?

Oh, you'll see.

(laughs, coughs)

Sorry, I have a...

little blood bubble in my throat.

(clears throat)

You'll see...

a room at the end of the hallway

for the familiars.

Ludwig will take you to the familiar lounge.

Ludwig. Ludwig.

Ludwig!

I'll just do it. Follow me.

Watch your step.

I don't have to, I glide.

Good evening, Your Excellencies.

This is Vasillika the Defiler.

Hello.

And I am...

Garrett.

Garrett the...

The vampire.

Simple. Nice.

Hi, Garrett the vampire.

Now, what happened with the Baron?

-He's dead. -Oh...

-Sorry, everyone. -It w... We didn't make him dead.

LASZLO: No, it's true. It was a misunderstanding.

Um, as a joke, we said, "Why not kill the Baron?"

And if you were there at the time,

-you, too, would have laughed. -NANDOR: (chuckles) Yes.

Now we realize that it was probably a stupid thing to say,

and we are truly sorry,

and we're taking this very seriously.

And these are our serious faces.

Serious, serious, serious.

GUIDE: Follow.

What are you doing?

I'm warming my face. It's so cold in here.

Well, it's an LED light.

-Oh. -There's no way we could have fire.

The fire marshals would have a fit.

I have to say

we are deeply moved

by your story, and-and maybe it's just me,

but I don't think you're guilty at all.

-Vasillika? -Mm, no,

I don't think you sound guilty.

I-I think... they might let you go.

Sorry, what do you mean by "they"?

VASILLIKA: The Vampiric Council.

You're not the Vampiric Council?

-(laughs) -Oh. (laughing)

GARRETT (laughing): No. No, we're...

-we're prisoners here. -No, we have

-been imprisoned in this boring room -Oh...

for... 1,000 years?

-Oh, it's really awful. -Since 1932.

Mm.

That's not 1,000 years.

What-what year is it?

It's 2019.

We have been here for 90 years.

-GARRETT: Oh, shit. -What did you do?

Oh, me? Too much defiling.

They say I turned a baby into a vampire

and left it in the Bronx.

Who would do such a thing? If I ever find out who did it,

I will take a dagger and stab them 5,000 times

with this hand, switch hands, and stab them

another 5,000 times!

I can fill up this book

with the ways I would torture that vampire.

Wouldn't want to be him.

-That poor baby. -Poor, poor baby.

The Vampiric Council will see you now.

-Doesn't have to be right now. -I mean, right now...

-Right now. I... They had a break, but they're ready now. -They...

(door slams shut)

Hey. Are you a familiar, too?

Yes.

Welcome.

(bell tolling)

This is the chamber where you will be tried.

You could hang...

-Hang? -...here, until the trial starts.

I think we're ready.

-No... -NANDOR: We are not ready. -GUIDE: Yes. We are ready.

NANDOR: No, we're not... -What? What's going...

The spectacle of judgment begins.

*

LASZLO: What the hell is this?

That's very elaborate.

GUIDE: Since this may be your last night

of existence, the Vampiric Council

likes to do something a little bit special.

They rehearsed it for decades.

*

LASZLO: This is very odd.

*

-(music ends) -(bell tolls)

-(bell tolling) -What the blazes is this?

Dark greetings of the night

to all the members

of the Vampiric Council, from all the continents,

gathered here together on...

-(whispers): Staten Island. -On St...

O-On Staten Island.

VIAGO: Welcome, vampires from near and far,

to this here grand Vampiric Council,

to judge over these three accused.

Accused of what, you may ask.

-Murder... -Vampire murder.

-Vampire murder. -Sor... vampire murder.

(hissing)

VIAGO: So that's why we're here.

I'll now introduce the leaders of the council,

starting here with Tilda.

Pretty much our leader.

-She's the one who makes all the big decisions. -Hello.

Welcome, Tilda.

I am Viago Von Dorna Schmarten

Scheden Heimburg.

This is Deacon Brucke.

-Hello. -Vladislav the Poker.

We also have

Evan, the Immortal

Princess of the Undead.

You don't have to say my whole name. You can just say Evan,

it's fine. -VIAGO: Or just Evan.

Who else do we have? Danny.

Hey, Danny. With his shirt off, as usual.

Cool Mexican tattoos all over his chest.

-Dark greetings, everyone. -VIAGO: Welcome, Danny.

-We also have Paul. -Dark greetings, everyone. Dark greetings.

Great to be here.

-Rob... Wh... Is Rob here? Is... -Couldn't make it.

-We couldn't get Rob? -Uh, no, I-I talked to Rob, he didn't...

didn't want to come. Want to... leave it behind.

VIAGO: That's fine. No, he didn't want

-to be here. Kiefer? -I don't see Kiefer.

Kiefer said that he wanted to do it, but he couldn't come.

-He was busy? -Tom and Brad...

-VLADISLAV: Tom, not... No. -VIAGO: Not interested.

-Tom and Bra... Well... -VIAGO: Not into it.

They're not committed like us.

It's just an availability thing.

-Well, who is here? -VIAGO: Calling in via Skype,

we have Wesley over there, the day-walker.

-TILDA: Wesley! -VIAGO: Hey, Wesley. -Is this working?

-VIAGO: Look at him then... -Oh, God, not this fucking guy.

He is a vampire killer!

Hey, he is half vampire.

His opinion still counts.

-Yeah, well, I'm only listening to half his opinion. -(hisses)

-DANNY: Look at him in the sunlight. -VLADISLAV: Showing off.

-Can you hear me? -Wesley, can you hear us?

-Hey, can you hear me? -VLADISLAV: There's a lag.

The Skype seems glitchy.

-Hello? -Push the mute button. -TILDA: It looks like

a little microphone, it's got a-got a ring around it.

-I'm pushing it. -VIAGO: Can you hear us now?

I can hear you. Dark greetings.

Okay. Great.

Moving on. As is vampire law,

we also have a local vampire here

on the council this evening, Colin Robinson.

Hello.

What the fuck are you doing here?

Okay, now...

So why are we gathered on "Statee" Island?

Because one of our brothers has passed from this world.

Baron Afanas, also known as The Undying One.

Well, he died. That's why we're here.

Call the witness.

First witness.

-Oh, good grief. -Oh, shit.

Where the hell did she come from?

This is Baron Afanas' familiar.

Witness number one, speak.

(whispers): It's okay. She doesn't speak.

On the eve of the death of my master...

(whispers): Well, she's speaking now.

...these three vampires

-took Baron Afanas... -(whispers): She's speaking.

...and they let him partake of human food.

(vampires groaning, hissing)

We cannot eat human food. It's gross.

DANNY: The fuck is wrong with you guys?

BARON'S FAMILIAR: Earlier,

I overheard them plotting to murder him.

(vampires gasping, hissing)

She speaks the bullshit.

We simply floated the idea.

You floated the idea of murdering him?

-LASZLO: Yes. -Not floated, you plotted.

-Floating and plotting are very similar. -WESLEY: Wait,

-The Baron is dead? -VIAGO: Oh, my God, Wesley,

-we're past that now. -Wesley, catch up, we're past that.

-Remove the witness. -VIAGO: Yeah. -Thanks a lot.

-Bye, bitch. -WESLEY: Human food? Like-like-like

-hamburger or some-something like that? -VIAGO: Wesley.

We're over the human food thing. Shut up.

We're not talking about that, Wesley.

You need better Wi-Fi.

Move the computer next to your router, homes.

Hey, hey, hey. It's not my Wi-Fi.

I got the best Wi-Fi. Okay?

I heard about one familiar who was made into a vampire,

and now he has a big castle and he is really successful...

My master says I'm gonna be a vampire in a few days.

It's only been seven decades.

So, have any of you

met a familiar who's become a vampire?

Not personally,

never met one.

Well, I'll be a vampire soon, and then you'll know a vampire.

And then you can become my familiar.

Did anyone really like The Baron, anyway?

-Well, I... no, I didn't like him. He was creepy. -I mean, I didn't...

-He was loco. -I thought he was pretty rude and a backstabber.

-He was a bit of an asshole. -Loco.

He was a psychotic madman.

Aren't we all, though? A little bit?

DEACON: He was a whackjob,

he was crazy, but rules are rules.

-VIAGO: Now what? -Bring in the other witness.

-VIAGO: Now let us call the next witness. -LASZLO: What other witness?

-PAUL: Another witness. -VIAGO: Witness number whatever-it-is.

-LASZLO: Oh, my life. -Guillermo.

VIAGO: Who's this delicious-looking thing?

What is this? Is this-is this lunch?

-NADJA: Yes, it's lunch. -No, it's not lunch.

It's lunch.

GUIDE: This is one of their familiars, council.

He bears witness.

Did these vampires three

murder The Baron?

No, they did not.

Did they "float" it?

They discussed it, but they-they were just talking.

They weren't going to really do it.

VLADISLAV: So who murdered The Baron?

Um...

They... It was I. I-I killed him.

-You did it? -Yes.

(stifled laugh)

It was I. I did it.

Okay. Unlikely.

Don't take offense, but you don't seem like someone

who would be capable of killing a vampire.

-But I did it. -Uh, hard to believe.

-Well, I did. -From maybe a tougher-looking guy,

-I'd believe it, but... -TILDA: I think you're lying

-to protect your master. -VIAGO: Of course he is.

This little guy couldn't kill a vampire.

No, it was, it was me. I opened the door and it was dawn

and then the sun came in and...

(stammers) and then it happened.

That sounds very made-up.

VIAGO: I mean, I don't know, guys.

None of us really liked The Baron,

so maybe we just kill this cute little guy

and then let the other three go.

Send his soul to hell.

Does anyone else feel like having

-a cheeky little snack? -Sneaky snack?

-(vampires hissing) -VLADISLAV: What do you think, Wesley?

Who is this motherfucker now? This glasses motherfucker?

PAUL: It's lunch, Wesley.

-Lunch. -Oh, yeah. -No!

NANDOR: I cannot abide by this.

-(exhales): Oh. -Get to the point.

-Have you got a point to make? -Listen to me.

-We're all listening. -You got... Everyone's listening.

-Everyone's like... -Everyone has stopped what they were doing,

we were all about to chomp down on this guy,

and then you said, "Oh, I'm gonna say something."

-Speak. -It was we...

-NADJA: No. -who killed The Baron.

We thought that! That's what we thought.

-We-we... -We were all discussing that.

TILDA: You have committed

premeditated vampicide.

Pass the judgment, Tilda.

TILDA: I pronounce these three

guilty.

Raise your fangs, all who agree.

(vampires hissing)

(cries)

The punishment is

they will be killed in the same manner

that their victim was:

exposed to sunlight.

-Ooh! -VIAGO: Ow, Chihuahuas.

(snarls)

Man, that's fucking rough.

You gonna help us, Colin Robinson?

Fuck can I do?

GUIDE: Follow me to your doom.

Don't worry.

I've coordinated a secret escape plan.

Bat!

NADJA: Laszlo, you fucking asshole! How could...

-How could... -Ludwig, get him.

Dan, get her.

Watch the hands, Mr. Hands!

Fucking hell!

Release my blade.

-Ooh. -Is it welded on there, or...?

Well, it's for decoration, really.

-Thank you, Ludwig, very good. -Fuck me.

What is that? Uh... Hey!

He's a vampire, he couldn't get an ax off a wall.

Well, you should see it.

It's, like, welded on there or something.

(sighs)

We have to find a way out of here.

This is the thing where we wa... Okay,

I broke this, turned right, and then we turned left to the...

-(roars) -(screams)

-Stay back! -(screams)

Oh...

(groaning)

(quietly): It was an accident.

It was an accident. It was an accident.

It was an accident!

So, they're being sent into a well, and, uh,

the sun's going to slowly come up,

-and then they'll burn to death. -It's a very horrible way to die.

-Very dramatic way to die. -(chuckles): Yes.

*

(birds chirping)

(Laszlo, Nandor, and Nadja screaming)

That's so macabre.

They could have at least cleared them up

before putting us in here.

(yelping, panting)

(screaming)

(hissing)

I wish I had made more of my leadership skills.

I could have ruled many more countries

-instead of dying in a well with two perverts. -(mouths)

I was Jack the Ripper.

I've never told anyone that before.

And I wish I'd made love more.

Well, you did that a lot. A lot.

-I suppose I did. -Yeah, a-a lot.

I miss my horse John.

I wish I was better to him. And to you both.

That's very kind of you, Nandor, to say that, and, um,

I know we haven't got on over the years, but, uh...

Nope, that's it.

I hate to say it, but I think it's gonna hurt.

-(crying): Oh, no! -Fucking Colin Robinson.

-Oh, shit. -No! No!

-Save me! Oh, Gregor, I love you! -No! No!

Gregor!

-Oh, my love, my love... -(screams) I'm burning!

(Nadja screaming)

(gasping, panting)

-I-It is an eclipse. -What is that?

Hey, dudes. It's me, Colin Robinson, your roommate.

-(groans) -(whispers): Colin Robinson? -COLIN: Yeah,

Guillermo's here, too. He was running around, peeing himself.

I didn't pee myself, Master.

-He was freaked out. -No, I wasn't.

So, anyway, I, uh, I was walking by this hardware store

and I says to myself, "Colin, you should go in

and, uh, see if they have any umbrellas for the well."

Made sure to keep the receipt, I'm gonna probably take it back.

You can do that on non-food items.

-Is he zapping our energy? -He's taking advantage of us.

-Don't do that. -Shut up.

Do you not want me to stay? I can... I'll go.

-No, no, no, no, no! No! -No, don't do that! No!

(chuckles) Just giving you guys guff.

Yeah, I'm gonna save you.

You guys awake?

-(bats screeching) -Hello?

(chuckles): Oh, no, a roller coaster for vampires.

(laughs)

-Oh, no, oh, no! Roller coaster again. -Stop it, Colin Robinson.

And sorry about the camera crew at the bottom of the well.

You're gonna want to get them out sooner than later.

They're in-they're in grave danger.

-You had a heck of a day, too, huh? -Yeah.

-How long have you been with us? -Ten years.

I guess that's the whole deal, right?

That, you know, you work for him,

and he eventually turns you into a, uh, a vampire?

Yeah.

That's the deal.

* Can't trust his kind today *

* Love has died and death is here to stay... *

(birds chirping)

* Guess our plan can fade away *

* On a cloud so far away *

* Time will come when death will pave the way *

* Time will come when death will pave the way *

* Time will come when death will pave the way *

* Time will come when death will pave the way *

* Time will come when death will pave the way. *

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH

(eerie chanting)