All language subtitles for Veep.S07E06.WEBRip.x264-ION10

It's so good to see you.

Have you imprisoned any
good novelists recently?

(LAUGHS)

Selina Meyer!
The woman who freed Tibet!

(APPLAUSE)

-Lloyd is my real dad?
-Oh! I think I'm gonna be sick.

Uh-oh, I think I know
what that's about.

The governor called,
he wants me to resign as mayor
effective immediately.

What?
You didn't do anything wrong.

He's appointed me the new
Lieutenant Governor.

"By giving Meyer the nomination,

they can ensure
a Montez presidency."

You look so familiar to me.

You brought a woman into my
clinic to have her

pregnancy terminated.

Could you be
a little more specific?

Ma'am, I'm sorry, there's
no easy way to tell you this.

Your mother's boat

exploded off the coast
of Florida this afternoon.

Andrew was the only person
aboard.

Man:
Congratulations,
Madam President.

Thank you. It's very exciting.
Yes, we're thrilled.

The woman who freed Tibet
is finally getting
her Nobel Peace Prize.

Technically,
not a Peace Prize, ma'am.

You've won
the Summit Peace Award

- of the World Summit
of Nobel Peace Laureates.
- OK.

It's kinda like
the Peace Prize Junior.

The American voters
don't know the difference,

and, frankly,
neither do I.

Ma'am, I'm headed
back to the hotel

to work on your
acceptance speech.

OK, I don't know what
that's a euphemism for,

but, Leon, you need to
really lay it on thick.

- OK? Tibet, Tibet, Tibet.
- You bet, you bet, you bet.

I wanna sound like Bono
trying to impress

his own reflection
in the mirror.

- I understand.
- Yeah. Good.

Hey-- Was that
Colonel Al-Saleh,

the Butcher of Juba, back there
by the carving station?

The Nobel people
don't ask too many questions

if you buy a table.
Ma'am, at this point,

they're just trying to avoid
losing the building.

Selina:
My Nobel prize
really makes the point

that I've got way more
foreign policy experience
than that half-wit Kemi.

I think it's pronounced
"half-white."

Well, "tomato, mulatto."

Hey, ma'am,
Catherine and Marjorie's wedding
is in three weeks,

and her
and her wedding planner--

Can you just say you?
You and Catherine.

We're a little concerned
about sitting you

next to Marjorie's shaman.

- Hello!
- Congratulations, Mom.

Thank you very much.
So, I understand

we're having some sort
of a seating issue?

Whatever you gals want
is fine by me--

as long as someone
lets me have mini-vegan pigs
in gluten-free blankets

- at the reception.
- Oh, God.

Listen, darling,

why don't you get married

over here in Europe?

Because without
an American marriage license,

U.S. community property laws
do not apply, my darling.

Marjorie is my soul mate
forever. I don't know why
you would bring this up--

That's fine.
You and your
maid of honor here

can sit me next to
whatever Injun Joe you want.

It's your special day,
so...

- Thank you, Mother.
- You're welcome.

- I don't have a drink.
- I'll get it.

Um... when...

am I getting my meeting
with President Lu
about the Montez stuff?

- Oh, I can't hear you.
I can't hear you.
- Legally not present.

Guys, I just need
to get in a room with Lu,
one on one,

so I can change his mind
about supporting me
for president.

Face to face,
I can convince
anyone of anything.

- That's not true.
- Incorrect.

You're both wrong.

- Both: You're right.
- OK?

Ma'am, Lu's people
have been Great-Walling us.

I don't think they're
anxious to meet with you.

That's why I brought along
some bait.

- Minna: Selina!
- Minna!

- Oh, Minna!
- ( Minna squeals )

Lu developed
a real hankering

for Finnish furburger
back at Camp David.

He eye-fucked her so bad
he got retinal herpes.

- Minna! Oh...
- Selina!

- I don't get the attraction.
- Oh, I do.

( music playing )

So, my last three lovers,
they are complaining

that my naughty talk
is both incessant
and soporific.

Maybe you should
let 'em choke you.

You think they
would rather choke me
than listen to me talk?

I can only speak
for myself.

Uh, where is Lu?

- Selina Meyer!
- Murman!

Oh, my gosh,
I didn't know
you were still alive.

The Russians reinstalled me
when they invaded Georgia. Ha!

- Oh, good for you.
- Factory reboot.

Both:
Beep-boop-beep-beep-boop.

A bit of personal news.

I recently bought
an English football club.

- Oh, wonderful!
- Leeds United.

No English players,
so pretty good team.

- Oh.
- Selina, crazy idea I have.

What if I gave you money
to help you win your election?

America does not stand

for foreign interference
in our elections!

- Who do you think that I am?
- Yes, of course. Of course.

- It's an outrage!
- New topic. New topic.

I want to buy
your Palm Beach house
for $114 million.

Needless to say, real estate
is a different animal.

They're not making
any more of it, right?

Everybody's
gotta live somewhere.

I'd rather deal with
the Russian mob than with
those real estate people.

It's because
they're unethical,
that's what they are.

Because they are working
on commissions.

Yes! Six percent?

It's abject greed,
in my view.

The 114 million
would be wired

from the Seychelles
to Malta,

then back to the Seychelles,
and then to you.

I'm very flattered, Murman,
I really am,

but your timing
is horrendous.

Ahh. To live is to suffer,
Selina. The human condition.

- Yes.
- Ahh!

- White people problems, right?
- OK.

- ( kisses )
- Thank you.

Thank you, Murman.

- ( chatter )
- Kent: You were right, ma'am.

Lu's looking for the tickee
in someone's shirtee.

Selina:
What's the word, Minna?

President Lu will meet you in
the West Salon in ten minutes.

- He seems quite excited.
- Yeah, we could see that
from here.

Selina: Keith.

- Oh, hi!
- Where is Lu?

You don't get to see Lu.
You need to go through me,
that's how this works.

I know all about
Lu's secret plan

to get President Montez elected
for a second term.

So you go, and you tell Lu
that I want to talk to him
directly, right now.

You're going to do
exactly what we say.

- I'm sorry?
- Or else we'll tell
the whole world

how you vaporized
a DRA leader's wedding
with Hellfire missiles

and also took a huge
laser-guided shit

all over Pakistani
sovereignty--

OK, A, that never happened.

And B, that footage
is highly classified.

It was classified--
until somebody on your staff

clicked on "Asian Girls
Bound and Gagged."

Oh, Ben.

Or Kent.

Or Leon. Oh, God.

Or Marjorie. I mean, I--

Jonah, your
anti-vaccination message

is bringing together
an unheard-of mix

of Orthodox Jews,
uneducated fringe
conspiracists,

and Kombucha-douching
private school moms.

That's the real America.

We've got three more stops
this afternoon.

Look. If we go to Kentucky,
it's gonna look like a wang.

The Great Lakes'll be
like the spooey.

- ( phone buzzing )
- Jonah, it's your dad again.
It's the tenth time today.

Hey, Siri,
you fuck my dad?

Siri:
I don't know how
to respond to that.

Typical woman.

- I know.
- That's mine.

Clay, come on.
Let's go.

All right. How ya doin',
Harrisburg!

- ( cheers, applause )
- Jonah: Yeah!

( over P.A. )
Pennsylvania,

you have the second-lowest
vaccination rate in the nation,

and when I am
elected president,

you will be number one!

- ( cheers, applause )
- Thank you, Pennsylvania!

- ( mic clatters )
- Beth: Oh!

Thank you! All right! Yeah!

Oh! Oh, look at this baby.

- ( crying )
- Mwah!

Gary:
The menu has been an atrocity.

The guests are vegan,
and the president won't eat
anything without a face.

Selina.

I saw President Lu leaving.
Is everything all right?

Yeah, everything's
completely fine, Minna.

No. I can see the concern
in your eyes,

even through
all the procedures.

What is it?
Is it about the wedding?

He told you?

He would not stop
talking about it.

He used the phrase
"complete atrocity."

Complete atrocity?

Minna, listen.

( scoffs ) So I droned
a couple wedding civilians

on the wrong side
of the Af-Pak border.

I thought you were talking
about your daughter's wedding

to your
homosexual doppelganger.

Yes. I was.

Um, "dr-droned a wedding"

is, uh, American slang
for, uh...

- "I got it, I nailed it."
- Yeah, I do not think--

No, no, no. Really.
Like, "I droned
that wedding, man!"

I do not think
that it is slang
of any kind.

Oh, I guarantee you it is.
Ask anyone... here--

Man:
Mike, we have made...

a lot of mistakes
here at CBS News.

( laughs ) I know, right?

But I think
you could be a big part
of turning that around.

- Mm-hmm.
- As a special correspondent,

you will be everywhere
that there's news.

And I don't think it hurts

that you will be
our youngest correspondent,
by a lot.

- Aww. Thank you, sir.
- So we bought
the "McLintalk" name,

but we did not get
all the intellectual property
from the old show. So...

- I have intellectual property?
- Oh-- Yeah!

The classic McLintalk bits.

I mean, when your phone rings
in the middle of an interview...

- Oh. Oh, yeah, yeah.
- And the horrible wife?

- ( laughing ) She's horrible!
- A lot of that stuff

I didn't know I was doing
until people pointed it out.

- See? Keep that sense of humor.
- OK!

Because pretty much
everything else
is gonna change.

Minna:
Selina, you have put me
in a terrible situation.

You have just admitted
to being a war criminal.

Do they give Nobel Peace Prizes
to war criminals, Minna?

All the time.
Aung San Suu Kyi,
Henry Kissinger,

and also, the prize
that you're getting,
it is not the Peace Prize.

- Oh, don't start with that!
- It is a second-tier
Peace Prize.

- No.
- It is made of
very hard plastic.

You have left me with no choice.
I must report you.

Well, then you've left me
with no choice.

- Ha!
- That was your phone.

I called Interpol
before we got in the car.

Selina:
Come on, wait up. Minna.

Just a second!
Sweet Viking Christ!
Come on!

Just call Interpol back,
tell 'em that
you made a mistake.

I am sorry, Selina. I have
a commitment to the principles
of truth and justice.

As the former president
of the United States,

truth and justice
can gargle my balls.

- Ben: Move the fuck
out of my way.
- Kent: Ma'am, the ICC

has issued a warrant
for your arrest for war crimes.

That's because
Autistic Barbie here

tattled on me over
the wedding drone strike.

- Which one?
- Nope. The DRA guy.

- Which was the only one.
- Correct!

Secret Service says
the Norwegian police

are all over the airport
and the hotel.

- Seriously?
- You will be extradited
to the Hague

and imprisoned
under Article VIII
of the Rome Statute.

Selina, if you request it,
I can offer you asylum.

You can stay here
at the embassy!

I'd just as soon stay
at an Embassy Suites.

- Ahh!
- Ma'am... it's your only shot.

- Yeah.
- Really?

Fine.

I'll stay here.

Good. Now you must
formally request asylum.

Yeah, I'm just gonna go.

They can shoot me
as I make a run for it.

Fine. On behalf of the
Finnish Ambassador to Norway...

I grant you asylum.

- Uh--
- She prefers the word "spa."

Dan:
Welcome to your new office,
Lieutenant Governor Splett.

Here we go.

Wait. What? No.
This is where you stick
an unfuckable intern.

Oh, no, no, no.
When I was a summer intern
for Lieutenant Governor Plasko

back in seventh grade,
I was in a much bigger office.

We gotta get the morbidly obese
fuck out of Iowa.

Last night I tried to find
one non-chain restaurant
to eat at,

and Yelp basically told me
to go Fuddrucker myself.

Sounds like
a settings issue.

Listen, we gotta
get you national, Richard,

so that's why I've already
booked you on "McLintalk."

And I canceled it.

Richard:
Governor Ballentine!

You think you're hot shit,
Splett?

First human mayor of Lurlene,

straight to lieutenant governor
in just a few months.

- Thank you.
- Well, now you're
an ice cold dog turd,

because you're not
gettin' my job.

Governor, we have
the utmost respect--

Save it, Manhattan
Date Rape Mystery.

Splett, I'm gonna
bury you so deep
in bullshit make-work

people are gonna forget Iowa
even has a lieutenant governor.

That shouldn't
be too hard.

( "McLintalk"
theme music plays )

This is Michael McLintock...

and it's time to McLintalk
with Michael Mclintock

on CBS International...

Yes, I'm still holding
for Secretary Doyle.

- Mike looks good.
- Mm. So much better.

What's he doing?
How long does it take
to change an adult diaper?

Mike:
The Norwegian National
Police have surrounded

the Finnish Embassy
in Oslo, Norway...

Oh, my God in heaven.

Selina, do you hate me?

Minna, I'm on the phone.

Ma'am, the White House refuses

to get involved
in your situation.

- What?!
- Although publically,

Montez claims to be
considering all options.

Privately, I heard
she's been doing

impressions of you
getting broom-sticked
in prison.

Are people actually laughing
at that impression?

- No.
- Yes.

Is this really just about

me reporting you to the ICC?

Yeah. How long
am I supposed to be here?

I could be dead before
you ever get outta here.

Well, no offense, Ben,
but honestly, that
could be, like, tonight.

- God willing.
- I forgave you

for not voting for me
to be the head of the IMF.

Minna, you don't go to prison

when you're not the head
of the IMF.

- Just the prison
of unmet potential.
- Ooh!

Go sit in the corner,
Minna! Go!

Gary:
Here comes the shoes!

Guys, how is this affecting
my chances at the nomination?

You need to get in touch
with the American Ambassador
to Norway.

Norway. Ambassador Costas
was Montez's husband's
chiropractor.

Ben:
Yeah, he does most of his
ambassador-ing in Orlando.

OK, that's everything. Ohh.

I have no space
in this room!

- I'll take it out.
- I cannot move!

It's easy. We'll get it out.
Ow!

Selina, can I ask
just one teeny, tiny,

very small question?

Uh... yeah.

- Minna.
- Yeah.

Yeah.

From the bottom
of my heart,

I truly and completely

forgive you.

Now shut the living fuck up.

I am just sorry that
I cannot forgive you

for killing all
those innocent people.

Get out.

- We are sharing a room.
- No, we're not.

Yeah.

Amy:
Streptococksucker.

Do you have
the chicken pox?

Clay gave 'em to me,
yell at him.

- Clay: No, I didn't.
- Clay!

Oh, sweet pustulent Christ.
You need to see this.

...-ease Control
is reporting

a large chicken pox outbreak

in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania.

Oh, wow. We got out of there
just in time.

That is the eighth
chicken pox outbreak

in the last week,

all in communities
with low vaccination rates

but no other
apparent connection.

Oh, my God, you Patient IQ Zero!

You infected all those nutballs
who don't believe in
vaccinations!

- Well, serves 'em right.
- Didn't you have chicken pox
as a child?!

Were you too busy bed-wetting
and cutting fuck-holes
in watermelons?

- ( knocking on door )
- Jonah: Amy, that only works
with fleshy melons.

- Beth: Duh.
- And sometimes pumpkins.

- Daddy!
- Hi, Bethy, I'm really sorry
I just showed up.

- Oh, no. No! No, no, no!
- I really wanna have a chance
to talk with you, Jonah.

Can't you see
I feel yucky enough already?!

Jonah, I know that
you're angry with me.

I hate you so much

I could walk into a supermarket
and shoot everybody.

It's all right
to feel that way.

I just want you to know
that I love you.

And I hope someday
you'll give me another chance.

OK.

I b-b-beg your pardon?

OK, you can be my dad.

I can be what?

You can be my dad
if you want.

Aw, come here!

Aw, I love you, Jonah.

I love you too, Daddy.
No homo.

Sure. No homo.

Minna:
As we Finns say, the morning
is wiser than the evening.

Are you feeling wiser
this morning, Selina?

- OK. Get off.
- No? I see that
we are still choosing

not to make the best
of the situation.

I can't. I can't.

Who ate my yogurt?

Amerikkalainen
war criminal
syo kaikki.

Alleged war criminal.

I think it would be
best for everyone
if you can learn

to follow
just a few simple
embassy staff rules.

- What?
- Number one,

you write your name

on your food
in the refrigerator.

- Oh, my God.
- You see here,
I've written "Minna,"

and I have written it
with a permanent marker.

Number two,
if you use a bowl
or a spoon

or a plate or a cup
or a jug,

afterwards, you would
wash in the sink.

Yeah?

Selina,
if you go to prison,

- you will not have your Gary
to clean up after you.
- OK, look--

- No, I'll be there.
- You gotta see what's on TV.
Come on.

Maybe it's time for me
to just turn myself in, Ben.
What is it? What's going on?

...Americans have
come out in force
to show their support

for the former,
and possibly future, president,

- Selina Meyer.
- Selina: Oh.

Footage rolls.

Free Selina now!

- Selina: What?!
- It turns out

Americans don't
give a flying fatwa

if you drone
a bunch of Muslims!

Your favorables have
never been higher, ma'am.

For polling purposes,
you're practically
a generic white male.

- ( Gary laughing )
- This is incredible!

I feel like the Grim Reaper

just dropped his scythe
and started eating me out!

- Catherine: Mom.
- Ma'am, Catherine just had
the most romantic idea.

- Oh, good.
- Getting married
here in Europe.

What?

Oh, Catherine!

What a wonderful idea.

Thank you, Mother.

Gary, can you
put something together here,
at the embassy?

I found the perfect dress
at the Oslo Medieval Festival.

- Ohh, I doubt it.
- Selina: Oh, good. OK.

Ma'am, we got bigger reindeer
to fuck here.

Guys, listen to me.

A wedding got me
into this hot mess...

a wedding's gonna
get me out of it.

- A Potemkin wedding,
if I may coin a phrase.
- Please don't.

Look, we need a plane
to get us home, correct?

Mike:
...Selina Meyer live via phone.

- Hello, President Meyer.
- Hi, Mike.

You know, I just want
to thank the American people.

I mean, obviously,
while it is regrettable,

the loss of-- of innocent lives,

I will never, ever apologize

for keeping Americans safe.

Uh, ma'am, we have
the drone footage here.

Would you take our viewers
through it?

Guest speaks
as footage two rolls.

Yes. Well, this is the compound

belonging to Hamza Al Bashir.

Now, hold on. What is that
right on over there, ma'am?

Is that an elephant
or something?

Yes. Yeah, I believe it is.

Apparently, Al Bashir
had some sort of a private zoo,

and that's actually how
we were able to locate him.

Mike:
And boom!

Wow! There goes the elephant.

- Ben: Ma'am?
- Yeah.

I think I may have
found us a plane.

Governor, it's so nice of you
to come with us
to comfort Jonah.

Jonah Ryan has as much chance
of becoming president

as a stack of retarded raccoons
in a trench coat,

but if anyone's crawling out
of our cesspool of a state

to become his Ag Sec,
it's gonna be this pigfucker.

I didn't realize
there was a job requirement.

( crowd chattering )

Oh, my God.

What do you think?
Beige or Tuscan beige?

Tough call.

They are... the same.

And how is the blushing bride?

Mother, come on. Really?

- This is the best
I could do.
- Gorgeous.

- You always do this.
- I do what?

- Do you remember
my 13th birthday?
- No, I certainly don't.

Do you remember
my 16th birthday, then?
Do you remember that?

No, darling. Are we gonna go
through all the birthdays?
I don't remember any of them.

Do you remember
my high school graduation,
or my college graduation?

Or any time I brought home
a boyfriend for you to meet
before I had girlfriends?

I didn't know
the theme of the wedding
was Edward Scissor Sisters.

- I mean, seriously.
- I'm gonna pause.

Those sandwiches aren't
gonna finger themselves.

- I'll be right back.
- Catherine, I do not

want to fight with you,
my darling.

- I-- I--
- No, honey, listen to me.

I am so very proud of you

and your decision
to get married...
here.

- Thank you, Mom.
- Mm-hmm.

And you--
you look amazing.

And I'm amazed
by your look.

Um, I'm just gonna
freshen up.

- OK.
- OK.

- ( door closes )
- OK, we're all good.

- Where's your mother?
- She went to the bathroom.

- That's not the bathroom.
- Wh--

Ballentine:
If I could just have a moment
of your time, Congressman.

Jonah:
Will you move?
You're blocking the TV.

Sorry. Yeah. I think
in a Ryan administration

I could really
make a difference
at Agriculture.

Whatever. There isn't gonna be
a Department of Agriculture.
I'm gettin' rid of it.

- What?!
- Richard, who is this guy?

I'm the fucking
governor of Iowa,
you nitwit!

And you just cost yourself
a spot in my administration!

- I'll call you a cab, Governor.
- Nancy: Jonah, your dad's here!

- Jonah: Oh, hey, Dad!
- Look who's ready for
a chicken pox party!

- Oh, what, I gave my dad
chicken pox?
- Second time!

Richard:
Now I can really see
the family resemblance.

Jonah:
Two generations of scabs, yo!

Fuck me with
a side of ranch.

See ya back at the office,
Governor.

( crowd chattering )

- ( Catherine moaning )
- What has your mother done now?

She used our wedding
as a diversion

to escape from
the Norwegian
National Police!

Smart.

Kitty Cat.
It's all right.

We'll just get married
back in the States.

No. We are gonna
get married right now,

in Europe,
because it's romantic.

Do you wanna maybe...

clean up first?

No. I feel fucking pretty.

- ( sobbing )
- Gary: Uh...

I'm sorry. Who taught you
to do a smoky eye?

Joint Special Operations
Command. JSOC.

Aha. It's not bad.

- These tunnels date back
to World War II.
- Really?

Local citizens banded together
in secret to assist the Nazis.

I think we should be underneath
the security perimeter by now.

- How can you tell?
- Murman: Ben. Over here.

- Ben: What's that?
- Murman: Ben.

- Ben: Oh!
- Selina: Murman!

- Murman: Selina.
- I am so happy to see you!
You have no idea!

- I have helped
many tunnel escapes.
- Selina: Oh...

- Funny story.
- Oh, here we go.

Once, I told my enemy
it was tunnel escape,

but in fact,
I just buried him alive.

- Murman.
- ( laughs )

Actually, it was her,

but story is funnier
with a man, huh?

In these MeToo days, you know?

Actually, I think
it could work
with a woman.

Either way,
it's a very good story.

Beginning,
middle and end.
Plus a lesson.

But I would
never, ever buried alive
my dear old friend Selina.

Chivalry is not dead,
Murman.

No, no, no.
Her name was Svetlana,

and she's definitely dead.

Yeah, I think the story
does work better with a man.

That was my first instinct.

Well, there you go.

Now, my car will take you
to the airport...

- OK.
- and the airplane is waiting

to run out of gas
and drop you into the North Sea.

What?

Just kidding.

( laughing )

- You are bad.
- You believed me!

Ben:
Ha! You got us.

Selina:
I want to make one quick stop

on the way to the airport.

- Ben: What?
- Yeah, I wanna just pop in

and grab my Nobel Peace Prize.

Ma'am, that's
the Nobel Prize
of bad ideas!

- No, that's economics, OK?
- Kent: We need to be out

of this jurisdiction
immediately!

Oh, please,
I've got America on my side,

and America doesn't give a shit
about anything!

Kent:
The Hague gives a shit.

Ben:
We are not in America.
We just crawled out of a drain!

- Selina: Wait, what?
- Ben: We're not
in America right now.

Ben:
For cryin' out loud.

OK, look, call Leon right now.

Tell him to get his dick
out of whatever homeless woman

froze to death
in front of the hotel,

meet us over there
with the speech. Let's go!

Call him, call him, call him!

( typing on laptop )

Hi, I'm Dan Egan,
I used to work at
the White House.

You barely worked
at the White House.

( gasps )
Ho ho ho ho!

Oh, Ames, I almost offered
to help your career,

then bang you
and tell everybody
in the office

you're an unstable slut.

It's a new dress.

Beth:
Come on, come on.

Dumb child locks.

- Need some help?
- Thank you so much.

How long have you
been taking these?

Ever since Jonah whacked me
on the nose at the rally,

but the pain went away
in two days.

They gave me 97 pills,
though,

so now I've just
been taking 'em

for the going-away
of my feelings.

So you're not pregnant.

Oh, no. Jonah and I
don't want any more kids

until I can get my cake pop
business off the ground.

And we can do
genetic testing

to make sure
they're not born dead.

- Hey, Jonie.
- Yeah?

Right now you have
a historic opportunity

to speak to our better natures,
bring the country together.

But to do that, I think
you have to tone down

the angry,
incoherent rhetoric a bit.

I have kinda pushed it,
haven't I?

A little bit, Jonie.

OK, Dad. Yeah, I will.

Yeah. OK.

Hey, Mom, will you
make us some pancakes?

- Ooh! Banana pancakes.
- Yeah, banana pancakes.

I don't think I have any eggs.

- Boo! Boo!
- Boo!

Go to the store
to make pancakes!

Both:
Pancakes! Pancakes!

Jonah, I think that--

Oh, my God! Lloyd!

- Dad?
- Oh, my God! Call 9-1-1!

- Dad!
- Richard: Make sure
his nose is wet!

- What?
- Uh, that's for dogs.

Selina:
Let's go. We gotta move.

We gotta get this thing
and get to the airport.

- Selina: President Lu!
- Oh.

You're a hard man
to get ahold of.

- ( speaking Mandarin )
- ( repeats same in Mandarin )

Are we really
doing this again?
We all know he speaks English.

- ( speaks Mandarin )
- I like your hair like that.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

Selina Meyer.
Why am I not surprised
to see you? Sit, please.

Lookit, Lu, we have always been
able to do business together.

If I'm elected,
the U.S. is gonna import

a shit-ton more of
your tainted baby formula

and defective drywall.

- A little secret.
- What?

Different label,
same product.

Islands.

Islands.

Any islands you want, Lu.

Diaoyu, Spratly--
Florida Keys, even.
( laughs )

President Montez has been
a great friend to China.

Our loyalty to her
is unshakeable. I'm sorry.

You can have Tibet.

What?

Yeah.

You can have Tibet back.

Are you fucking
kidding me?

No. Right after the election,
you can have it back.

I mean, I'll have to condemn
your actions publically,
of course.

- Of course.
- But then we'll propose
a U.N. resolution,

- you'll veto it...
- I will.

then, ya know, have at it.

Is being president
in a democracy even that great?

- Well, it's barely
a democracy, so...
- I agree with that.

I got a thing to get.
Do we have a deal, or...?

- Sure.
- I knew it.

- Yeah. We're good.
- You're a good man.

I like it.
You look good
in a bowtie.

Everything OK
in here?

Selina:
Oh, you bet.

'Cause you're my lapdog now.

- OK.
- Yeah.

I thought I would take
just a few moments of your time

to remind you of the plight
of the Azerbaijani minority
in Georgia--

Selina:
I'm here!

- ( applause )
- Thank you!

I'm here! Thank you!

- What are you doing here?
- Oh, thank you!

It's very perilous
for you to be here.

Thank you so much!
Thank you!

- I don't think you should--
- Give it.

Thank you so much for
that wonderful introduction.

- ( applause dies down )
- Thank you.

When the committee called

to tell me I would be receiving
the Nobel Peace Prize--

( low ) Summit award--

I considered telling them
I didn't want it.

You see, it's never
been important to me

to be honored publically.

But I decided to come tonight.

Not for myself,

but for the country of...

Tibet.

Imagine a world

where Tibet were not free.

Imagine that.

And one of the world's
great human treasures,

Tibet's lamas,

like these right here
sitting in the front row,

looking at me...

would certainly be imprisoned
and tortured

in the most vicious ways
imaginable...

possibly even k-illed.

Oh, God Almighty. I--

So maybe I should just
wrap this up.

Shall we scroll, um,
ahead, please?

Could you just-- Yes.

Wait-- Yes.

Tibet must always be free.

Free today, free tomorrow,

free forever. Oh, God.

- ( applause )
- Thank you.

Man:
Wonderful!

- Photos, please.
- Oh.

- OK.
- No one's ever gonna
forget that speech.

You're fired.

All right,
let's get out of here.

Take this piece of shit.

Stop. Selina, stop.
You give me no choice--

Goodbye, Minna.

Wow, talk about
inhumane droning.

I guess
I've got a type.

Amy: Dan?

- Hi.
- So nice to see you...

- ( kissing )
- on this sad occasion.

So I thought maybe we could
get a drink and--

Oh, sorry.
Ames, this is Layla,
my girlfriend.

It just feels so weird
saying that out loud.
I can't help it.

- Layla: Hello.
- Hi.

Layla's an OB-GYN.

I know what she does.

Oh, God, of course.

You guys have--
have already met.

Classic Egan.

( awkward chuckles )

Are you OK here?

- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah? OK.

Dan:
What's up, man?

So, how was your
follow-up appointment?

Less of a metal tube
up my vag than this.

Woman:
I'm so sorry, Nancy.

Adult chicken pox
can be very serious.

( crying )
Thank you for coming.

Don't blame yourself, Jonah.

- It's not your fault.
- Uh...

( sobbing )

Can you get her a pill
or something and calm her down?

I don't want diazepam,
I want something good.

- OK.
- Jonah, I gotta
talk to you about that.

- OK. Oh, God.
- Jonie, Jonie.

I'm just so sorry.

Oh. Thank you, Uncle Jeff.
I really appreciate that.

Sorry you killed
your own father
and I wasn't there to see it!

( laughing )

- Sorry!
- Uncle Jeff.

Could you please stop laughing?

I can't!

I can't believe
you gave him chicken pox.

I always had you pegged
as an AIDS guy.

( laughing )

( Richard chuckling )

It's not funny,
but his laughter is infectious.

I can't breathe!

( cackling )

- I can't breathe!
- Mr. Kane,

you're gonna
come with me.

Here's my hotel key.
If you got a dick,
I'll pay double.

Jonah:
OK, everybody can come in
and take a seat.

- Hey, babe.
- I love you.

Love you too.

So first off, I guess,
thanks, everybody, for coming.

And, um, as most of you know,

I didn't get a lot of time
with my dad,

but I think in the time
that I did have with him

I realized what
a stupid loser he was.

He didn't deserve me.
Or even my mom.

All he ever did, actually,
was run out on us.

First, all those years ago,
and now by dying.

- Beth: Whoa--
- And I guess I don't even know
if I liked him that much,

because he probably
woulda sucked
like all of my other step-dads.

And I don't care that he's dead,
because I am very strong.

- Beth: You're so beautiful.
- We're having cake pops
at the house later.

- Beth: Who wants to go dancing?
My husband's right there.
- I'm leaving. This place sucks.

- ( phone buzzes )
- Richard, that bastard
Ballentine,

he caught shingles
from Typhoid Jonah.

He went blind
with partial paralysis
and has to step down.

Oh, my God,
that's awful.

No! That makes me--
I mean, you,

the governor of Iowa!

- Congratulations to us both.
- Oh, my God.

Selina:
So listen, you guys,

we have to start thinking
about the convention.

- Sure do.
- And possible veep candidates.

There are a lot of people
I want to snub.

- Ma'am.
- Yeah?

Check this out.

Selina:
Oh, my God!
Is that Richard?

Governor Splett.

- Selina: No!
- Kent: Yeah.

- ( protestors shouting )
- Selina: What the hell?

What's going on here?

I thought nobody gave
two Osama bin Shits

about the drone strike.

This is about killing elephants.

There's two things Americans
don't like to see get hurt:

animals, and white girls
on spring break.

Kent:
The story is everywhere.

Peggy Noonan has a column

about Babar
and American exceptionalism.

She's a dumb cunt.

Is this gonna affect
my numbers, ya think?

Yes.

( protesters shouting )

Oh, my God!

He's giving me the finger.

Look. See?

( protesters shouting )

As many of you know,

it has been
a difficult week for me

with the death of my dumb father

and my hot wife
going into rehab.

Which, when you think about it,

kinda makes her hotter, ya know?

But with the Lord's help,
I got through it.

( applause )

And when I say Lord,

I mean Jesus Christ Almighty,
not the Jewish one.

( cheers, applause )

Now, there has been
a lot of debate

about whether vaccines
do or do not kill people.

And they do--
that's just science.

But the other real killer...
is diseases.

And how do these diseases
get into America?

- All: How?
- Immigrants.

- Man: Kill 'em!
- Yeah-- Well, I mean,

we don't have to kill
all of 'em.

There are some good immigrants.
Beyoncé?

Ms. Brookheimer,
do you have anything to eat?

- Um, I've got gum and Advil.
- Ugh.

He had this carne asada that
I think was a family recipe.

That guy stays.

But we are not
going to stop diseases

unless we close our borders!

- All: Yeah!
- From now on,

no one in, no one out!

- ( applause )
- Thank you. No one in,
no one out!

( knock on door )

- What? Wh-Who's there?
- It's Richard.

- Who? Ohh.
- Governor Richard Splett?

- Ohh.
- We brought you
some flowers.

Word is out on you, Splett.

You're living proof

that the worst people
in politics always succeed.

I'll tell ya something else,
Splett. Listen carefully.

Someday you'll be an old man,
and you'll--

Governor, now that
you're a super-delegate,

have you given any thought
as to who you're gonna be
endorsing at the convention?

Isn't there any way
I can endorse all of them?

- ( laughter )
- All right,
thank you guys so much.

Pull up a chair, Splett.

I've never told anyone this
before.

I have a daughter in California.

She doesn't know
anything about me.

I've seen photographs...
on the internet.

Did President Meyer find a way

to steal the nomination from me
like she stole South Carolina?

If you can't figure out
how to steal South Carolina,

you have no business
being president.

I'm not gonna let them
take this from me.

I was right!
I should be president!

That's not funny, Kent.

I haven't been funny
since 1987.

I didn't come to North Carolina
to lose.

I don't even like
to change planes here.

♪ (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS) ♪

I just wanna be president.

Do you want six almonds?

(SCREAMING) No!

♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪