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00:00:01,041 --> 00:00:02,416
TOM JAMES: Just wanted to say...
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00:00:02,833 --> 00:00:03,792
I love you.
3
00:00:04,416 --> 00:00:07,541
I love you, too, Tom.
Go fuck yourself. (LAUGHS)
4
00:00:08,249 --> 00:00:09,541
AMY BROOKHEIMER:
There's our new leader.
5
00:00:09,625 --> 00:00:10,999
BEN CAFFERTY:
Oh, Keith Quinn in the house.
6
00:00:11,083 --> 00:00:14,958
Okay, well, you're about to see
how a campaign is really--
7
00:00:15,416 --> 00:00:16,375
No, that's not him.
8
00:00:16,792 --> 00:00:19,249
The only reason you were hired
is because Mr. Tanz told me
9
00:00:19,333 --> 00:00:20,833
you were the best
and because?
10
00:00:21,041 --> 00:00:23,333
Because of my court-ordered
chemical castration.
11
00:00:23,416 --> 00:00:24,833
Is chocolate bad for dogs?
12
00:00:24,917 --> 00:00:26,458
-RICHARD SPLETT: Oh no, not bad.
Deadly.
-GARY WALSH: Okay.
13
00:00:26,541 --> 00:00:28,667
Richard, you can't keep working
on both campaigns.
14
00:00:28,750 --> 00:00:30,583
But they're both
equally good people.
15
00:00:30,667 --> 00:00:32,999
I would like to schedule
an appointment.
It's for an abortion.
16
00:00:33,083 --> 00:00:34,333
FELIX WADE:
Have you met Senator Talbot?
17
00:00:34,416 --> 00:00:36,249
I like to say she's the future
of the party.
18
00:00:36,458 --> 00:00:38,124
She's running for president?
19
00:00:43,958 --> 00:00:46,208
Crowd:
( chanting ) Kemi! Kemi! Kemi!
20
00:00:46,291 --> 00:00:48,541
As a woman,
and a woman of color,
21
00:00:48,625 --> 00:00:51,625
I know these struggles
firsthand.
22
00:00:51,708 --> 00:00:53,917
- Whose time is it?
- Crowd: Our time!
23
00:00:53,999 --> 00:00:56,041
- When is our time?
- Now!
24
00:00:56,124 --> 00:00:58,708
And now let me hear you!
Whose time is it?
25
00:00:58,792 --> 00:01:02,917
It sounds like Dr. Seuss
fucked Maya Angelou
in the yuzz-ma-tuzz
26
00:01:02,999 --> 00:01:05,541
and then filled her all up
with snoozily-scuzz.
27
00:01:05,625 --> 00:01:07,875
How is this possibly
even working for her?
28
00:01:07,958 --> 00:01:10,583
Socio-politically,
protest chants have proved
29
00:01:10,667 --> 00:01:12,041
- an effective method--
- OK, off.
30
00:01:12,124 --> 00:01:13,458
Kemi's crowds are huge.
31
00:01:13,541 --> 00:01:14,958
You know what else
is huge, Amy?
32
00:01:15,041 --> 00:01:16,375
Not even really showing.
33
00:01:16,458 --> 00:01:17,792
- Gary: Mm...
- You look beautiful.
34
00:01:17,875 --> 00:01:19,750
And how about
the 24-hours-a-day
35
00:01:19,833 --> 00:01:21,708
free media coverage
that she's getting?
36
00:01:21,792 --> 00:01:23,541
- Ben: Yep.
- MSNBC has something on you.
37
00:01:23,625 --> 00:01:25,208
Put it on this i-thing.
38
00:01:25,291 --> 00:01:26,833
Narrator:
--paign showing
signs of trouble.
39
00:01:26,917 --> 00:01:28,541
- Selina: Oh, Christ.
- Andrew Meyer, husband
40
00:01:28,625 --> 00:01:30,541
- of President Selina Meyer...
- Ex-husband!
41
00:01:30,625 --> 00:01:32,625
- Everything looks great.
Ready when you are.
- I know.
42
00:01:32,708 --> 00:01:34,124
Let's go, ma'am.
They're all waiting for ya.
43
00:01:34,208 --> 00:01:35,792
Selina:
Here we go.
44
00:01:35,875 --> 00:01:38,083
Hellooooo!
45
00:01:38,166 --> 00:01:39,958
( cheers, applause )
46
00:01:42,124 --> 00:01:44,416
- What?
- No, this is great.
This is great.
47
00:01:44,500 --> 00:01:48,083
OK! University of Iowa!
48
00:01:48,166 --> 00:01:51,416
- ( crowd cheers )
- People come up to me,
they say,
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00:01:51,500 --> 00:01:54,583
"Why do you want
to be president?"
50
00:01:54,667 --> 00:01:55,917
And I say,
51
00:01:55,999 --> 00:01:59,416
"It's time to finish
the unfinished business
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00:01:59,500 --> 00:02:01,458
of four years ago!"
53
00:02:01,541 --> 00:02:04,124
Say it with me:
"Time to finish
54
00:02:04,208 --> 00:02:07,124
- the unfinished business!"
- Crowd: "Of four years ago."
55
00:02:07,208 --> 00:02:08,667
Without the "four years ago."
56
00:02:08,750 --> 00:02:12,124
OK. Iowa! What do we want?
57
00:02:12,208 --> 00:02:13,833
All:
Time to finish
the unfinished business..."
58
00:02:13,917 --> 00:02:17,500
No-- Not--
"New Selina Now"!
59
00:02:17,583 --> 00:02:20,958
- What do we want?
- Ben: When I say "shit,"
you say "show."
60
00:02:21,041 --> 00:02:22,917
Of four years ago.
61
00:02:22,999 --> 00:02:24,999
( music playing )
62
00:02:26,875 --> 00:02:28,458
Selina:
I was so far ahead.
63
00:02:28,541 --> 00:02:30,708
How are you losing Iowa?
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00:02:30,792 --> 00:02:34,416
- And did you see the new cover
of "Time" magazine?
- Yes. Are angels real?
65
00:02:34,500 --> 00:02:37,500
- Ben: "Kemi Fever."
Three exclamation points.
- Kent: It's a pandemic.
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00:02:37,583 --> 00:02:39,458
Yeah, well, somebody
sneezed on our campaign,
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00:02:39,541 --> 00:02:40,958
now we're bleeding
out our assholes.
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00:02:41,041 --> 00:02:42,875
- Hi, guys!
- Morning.
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00:02:42,958 --> 00:02:45,249
Kent:
Ma'am, we're scrapping
tomorrow's schedule.
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00:02:45,333 --> 00:02:47,166
- What?
- You're making an appearance
at the Waterloo County Fair.
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00:02:47,249 --> 00:02:49,083
Ben:
Block and tackle
retail politics.
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00:02:49,166 --> 00:02:51,375
- Gary: Ugh. Retail.
- Ben: Eat a few corn dogs...
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00:02:51,458 --> 00:02:53,833
Selina:
Last thing I need
is my picture being taken
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00:02:53,917 --> 00:02:55,291
eating dick-shaped food.
75
00:02:55,375 --> 00:02:57,166
I'd rather eat
a food-shaped dick.
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00:02:57,249 --> 00:03:00,124
OK, folks.
Where is Keith Quinn?
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00:03:00,208 --> 00:03:02,875
I have the "New York Times"
interviewing him
about running the campaign.
78
00:03:02,958 --> 00:03:04,708
Maybe somebody should be
interviewing the "Times"
79
00:03:04,792 --> 00:03:07,166
about why they write
so much about modern dance.
80
00:03:07,249 --> 00:03:09,166
Thirty-six hours
in Snoozeville.
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00:03:09,249 --> 00:03:10,667
- That was my major.
- Selina: OK.
82
00:03:10,750 --> 00:03:14,124
How are we going to
RU486 Kemi's campaign?
83
00:03:14,208 --> 00:03:17,083
- No offense, Amy.
- Catherine: Mom, do you
have to act that way?
84
00:03:17,166 --> 00:03:19,416
I mean, Kemi is
super impressive.
85
00:03:19,500 --> 00:03:21,124
And I'm not gonna lie,
ma'am,
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00:03:21,208 --> 00:03:23,166
- very much my type.
- You're kidding.
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00:03:23,249 --> 00:03:25,083
Clearly, I have a thing
for strong women.
88
00:03:25,166 --> 00:03:26,500
- What's happening?
- Strong women.
89
00:03:26,583 --> 00:03:29,249
My God, pick a lane. Jesus.
90
00:03:29,333 --> 00:03:31,208
Dan:
Ma'am, Kemi just picked up
two Senators and a union.
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00:03:31,291 --> 00:03:33,166
A good union
or, like, teachers?
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00:03:33,249 --> 00:03:34,708
Local 74.
Iowa Asbestos Workers.
93
00:03:34,792 --> 00:03:36,792
- Kent: Well, there you go.
- ( laughter )
94
00:03:36,875 --> 00:03:40,124
Actually, my uncle was
a shop steward in the 7-4.
Asbestos killed him.
95
00:03:40,208 --> 00:03:41,583
- On, no!
- I'm sorry, Richard.
96
00:03:41,667 --> 00:03:43,041
Asbestos was the name
of their pit bull.
97
00:03:43,124 --> 00:03:45,208
It was a rescue
that killed its first owner.
98
00:03:45,291 --> 00:03:46,708
That's why you have
to go to breeders.
99
00:03:46,792 --> 00:03:47,708
Ben:
OK. Order, order.
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00:03:47,792 --> 00:03:48,917
First item: debate prep.
101
00:03:48,999 --> 00:03:51,041
That's how we beat Kemi.
102
00:03:51,124 --> 00:03:54,291
Fine. Stupid handshakes,
opening statement,
103
00:03:54,375 --> 00:03:57,750
uh, thank you
to Date Rape University,
104
00:03:57,833 --> 00:03:59,208
- first question.
- Dan: Madam President,
105
00:03:59,291 --> 00:04:01,249
how do you explain
the accusations
106
00:04:01,333 --> 00:04:03,875
the Meyer Fund
and your husband Andrew Meyer
stole millions during--
107
00:04:03,958 --> 00:04:05,625
- No. Andrew Meyer
is my ex-husband.
- Yep.
108
00:04:05,708 --> 00:04:08,208
And I have had virtually
no contact with him
109
00:04:08,291 --> 00:04:10,041
- at this point.
- ( knocking on window )
110
00:04:10,124 --> 00:04:12,333
Oh-- OK.
We're gonna take
a quick five, guys.
111
00:04:12,416 --> 00:04:14,291
Fantastic.
Her Achilles cock.
112
00:04:14,375 --> 00:04:17,541
Andrew! I see Monnie
got a new paint job.
113
00:04:17,625 --> 00:04:18,958
Monnie and I
are still together.
114
00:04:19,041 --> 00:04:20,333
Better than ever, in fact.
115
00:04:20,416 --> 00:04:23,041
No. Felicia is my...
paralegal.
116
00:04:23,124 --> 00:04:24,667
Oh, God, we're all
goin' to jail.
117
00:04:24,750 --> 00:04:26,416
- Wait in the car, OK?
- Can you please
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00:04:26,500 --> 00:04:29,667
find me a real green juice
somewhere in Iowa?
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00:04:29,750 --> 00:04:32,249
I'm drinking Odwalla
like some country lesbian
120
00:04:32,333 --> 00:04:33,458
who just got
to the big city.
121
00:04:33,541 --> 00:04:34,625
- Ma'am.
- Not yet.
122
00:04:34,708 --> 00:04:36,249
Amy:
So much for debate prep.
123
00:04:36,333 --> 00:04:38,166
Dan:
Actually, that was
our best one yet.
124
00:04:38,249 --> 00:04:40,166
- Ohh.
- Hey, Ame. Hey, Dan.
125
00:04:40,249 --> 00:04:41,917
Happy Abortion Eve.
126
00:04:41,999 --> 00:04:44,375
- Oh, my God!
- What? Don't they all know?
127
00:04:44,458 --> 00:04:45,667
Amy: Go!
128
00:04:45,750 --> 00:04:47,750
OK, I don't know
if I should be sad
129
00:04:47,833 --> 00:04:49,750
- or turned on.
- Ben: Eww.
130
00:04:49,833 --> 00:04:52,375
Richard, you're running
yourself ragged working
on both campaigns.
131
00:04:52,458 --> 00:04:55,708
I'm actually a little
embarrassed. I mean,
two jobs is no big deal.
132
00:04:55,792 --> 00:04:58,041
- In fact, it's the
Speltt family motto.
- Splett.
133
00:04:58,124 --> 00:04:59,958
Speltt. It's my mother's
side of the family.
134
00:05:00,041 --> 00:05:01,792
I think you should
definitely quit Selina.
135
00:05:01,875 --> 00:05:03,124
I would if I could.
136
00:05:03,208 --> 00:05:04,625
Actually, I tried
to quit last week,
137
00:05:04,708 --> 00:05:06,208
and the president
gave me a raise.
138
00:05:06,291 --> 00:05:07,792
- Marjorie: So quit Jonah.
- He gave me a raise too.
139
00:05:07,875 --> 00:05:10,249
Some people say
I'm not fit to be president,
140
00:05:10,333 --> 00:05:12,208
that I'm dangerously unskilled.
141
00:05:12,291 --> 00:05:15,875
But when I debate my fellow
candidates in the debate
this Saturday,
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00:05:15,958 --> 00:05:18,166
I'm finally gonna
set the record straight.
143
00:05:18,249 --> 00:05:21,625
Because that's when
the gloves... come off.
144
00:05:21,708 --> 00:05:23,124
( bell dings )
145
00:05:23,208 --> 00:05:24,416
Senator James,
146
00:05:24,500 --> 00:05:25,750
you pledged to bring jobs
147
00:05:25,833 --> 00:05:27,416
back to America.
148
00:05:27,500 --> 00:05:28,917
- ( blow lands )
- Aaah!
149
00:05:28,999 --> 00:05:30,249
President Meyer,
150
00:05:30,333 --> 00:05:32,875
you say you're
tough on crime, huh?
151
00:05:32,958 --> 00:05:34,833
Then why am I not in prison
for punching the president?
152
00:05:34,917 --> 00:05:36,750
- Pretty good, right?
- Senator Talbot,
153
00:05:36,833 --> 00:05:38,541
I think your tax plan
154
00:05:38,625 --> 00:05:40,333
is a wack plan.
155
00:05:40,416 --> 00:05:42,208
Psyche.
156
00:05:42,291 --> 00:05:43,750
Aaah! Uhh!
157
00:05:43,833 --> 00:05:45,166
- ( bell dings )
- Undisputed...
158
00:05:45,249 --> 00:05:46,875
President of the United States!
159
00:05:46,958 --> 00:05:48,124
I'm Jonah Ryan, and I wanna
160
00:05:48,208 --> 00:05:49,792
suck this message's hot clam.
161
00:05:49,875 --> 00:05:51,750
- Me too!
- When do we roll that out?
162
00:05:51,833 --> 00:05:54,833
We don't.
You went completely off script!
163
00:05:54,917 --> 00:05:56,041
I ad-libbed.
164
00:05:56,124 --> 00:05:57,917
Teddy, improv
is Jonah's thing.
165
00:05:57,999 --> 00:05:59,667
You should have heard
his wedding vows.
166
00:05:59,750 --> 00:06:01,375
He did a really funny
Chinese voice.
167
00:06:01,458 --> 00:06:03,249
Yeah, I expressed
how horny I was.
168
00:06:03,333 --> 00:06:04,833
We focus-tested the ad,
169
00:06:04,917 --> 00:06:06,333
and most people
are uncomfortable
170
00:06:06,416 --> 00:06:09,667
watching a white man
kick a black woman
in the vagina.
171
00:06:09,750 --> 00:06:11,750
Well, I don't see
vagina color.
172
00:06:11,833 --> 00:06:14,166
Why don't we just kick
President Meyer instead?
173
00:06:14,249 --> 00:06:15,625
The debate committee
just emailed me
174
00:06:15,708 --> 00:06:17,333
to say that there
are so many candidates
175
00:06:17,416 --> 00:06:19,416
they've decided to host
two separate debates.
176
00:06:19,500 --> 00:06:21,958
One for candidates polling
with at least 5% of the vote,
177
00:06:22,041 --> 00:06:24,416
and another one
for those polling
with less than 5%.
178
00:06:24,500 --> 00:06:27,541
And, good news--
No, that's bad news.
179
00:06:27,625 --> 00:06:29,375
I'm at less than 5%?
180
00:06:29,458 --> 00:06:30,583
In the plus column,
181
00:06:30,667 --> 00:06:32,333
the undercard debate
will be first,
182
00:06:32,416 --> 00:06:34,041
which means we have no problem
getting out of the parking lot.
183
00:06:34,124 --> 00:06:36,333
Oh, no, that's bad news too.
It's stacked parking.
184
00:06:37,958 --> 00:06:41,458
Andrew, you said there was
nothing illegal about the fund.
185
00:06:41,541 --> 00:06:43,500
I thought
we both understood
I was lying.
186
00:06:43,583 --> 00:06:45,541
You do know I'm running
for president, right?
187
00:06:45,625 --> 00:06:47,208
- ( knocks )
- Madam P! Got a moment?
188
00:06:47,291 --> 00:06:48,458
Can you fuck off?
189
00:06:48,541 --> 00:06:50,083
( laughs )
Can do, skipper.
190
00:06:50,166 --> 00:06:51,500
- OK.
- Andrew: Lee,
191
00:06:51,583 --> 00:06:53,124
do you happen to know
if Marjorie
192
00:06:53,208 --> 00:06:56,208
has the complete ledgers
to all the Meyer Fund accounts?
193
00:06:56,291 --> 00:06:58,875
Yes. I'm sure that she does.
194
00:06:58,958 --> 00:07:00,917
That's too bad.
195
00:07:00,999 --> 00:07:04,917
I think I'm gonna
pop by her office
and see if it's locked.
196
00:07:04,999 --> 00:07:07,041
For once will you
tell me the truth?
197
00:07:07,124 --> 00:07:08,583
How much money
did you steal?
198
00:07:08,667 --> 00:07:10,667
Technically it was you
that stole the money
from the fund
199
00:07:10,750 --> 00:07:12,875
because I signed your name
on some documents.
200
00:07:12,958 --> 00:07:15,667
- Oh, my God.
- Don't worry, Lee.
I'll keep you out of it.
201
00:07:15,750 --> 00:07:17,999
Yeah. "Don't worry, Lee.
You won't get pregnant.
202
00:07:18,083 --> 00:07:19,999
I'll pull out
and cum on your back."
203
00:07:20,083 --> 00:07:22,708
Again, I thought we both
understood I was lying.
204
00:07:22,792 --> 00:07:24,333
General Stattler.
How are you?
205
00:07:24,416 --> 00:07:26,541
Sorry to keep you waiting.
Come on in.
206
00:07:26,625 --> 00:07:28,750
Madam President,
I have been trying repeatedly
207
00:07:28,833 --> 00:07:32,083
to get your office to sign off
on a presidential funeral plan.
208
00:07:32,166 --> 00:07:34,375
And since your tenure
was so unusually brief,
209
00:07:34,458 --> 00:07:37,792
I took the liberty
of using President Ford's
ceremony as a template.
210
00:07:37,875 --> 00:07:40,500
- Who?
- Uh, that's not gonna work.
211
00:07:40,583 --> 00:07:44,583
He was lucky not to get dumped
out of a pickup truck
into a quarry.
212
00:07:44,667 --> 00:07:47,333
- My vision for when I die...
- If you...
213
00:07:47,416 --> 00:07:50,041
- No, I am gonna die.
- Mm...
214
00:07:50,124 --> 00:07:53,999
More of a sort of
a Princess Diana thing.
215
00:07:54,083 --> 00:07:55,458
But classy.
216
00:07:55,541 --> 00:07:56,999
- But no Prince Charles.
- Oh, yeah.
217
00:07:57,083 --> 00:07:59,333
- He's worse than the mother.
- Ohh.
218
00:07:59,416 --> 00:08:02,208
Oh, that's a good idea.
Let's make a list
219
00:08:02,291 --> 00:08:04,999
of everybody we don't want
invited to my funeral.
220
00:08:05,083 --> 00:08:06,291
- Fun.
- Yeah.
221
00:08:06,375 --> 00:08:07,792
And put Andrew
at the top.
222
00:08:07,875 --> 00:08:08,958
( laughing )
Already there.
223
00:08:09,041 --> 00:08:10,333
Begging your pardon,
ma'am,
224
00:08:10,416 --> 00:08:11,625
but these plans
should have been made
225
00:08:11,708 --> 00:08:12,792
- before you left office.
- Oh.
226
00:08:12,875 --> 00:08:14,208
Put Montez on the list.
227
00:08:14,291 --> 00:08:15,958
You know, I could
get reelected.
228
00:08:16,041 --> 00:08:18,291
Ma'am, why don't we just jump
right to embalming options
229
00:08:18,375 --> 00:08:20,875
to minimize decomp
during the rotunda viewing.
230
00:08:20,999 --> 00:08:22,041
- Hughes.
- Gary: Ugh.
231
00:08:22,124 --> 00:08:24,166
Do I really want
to get embalmed?
232
00:08:24,249 --> 00:08:26,541
- Yeah, the neck. Yeah.
- Oh, that's true. Right.
233
00:08:26,625 --> 00:08:28,500
- ( calliope music plays )
- Teddy: Jonah Ryan.
234
00:08:28,583 --> 00:08:30,708
Outsider's insider.
Make sure to vote.
235
00:08:30,792 --> 00:08:32,958
Hey, Teddy.
Teddy, check this out.
236
00:08:33,041 --> 00:08:34,208
- Teddy, look.
- What am I doing?
237
00:08:34,291 --> 00:08:35,667
- No, get the big one.
- Oh, yeah.
238
00:08:35,750 --> 00:08:38,166
- Oh. ( moaning )
- ( Beth laughing )
239
00:08:38,249 --> 00:08:39,958
Beth:
Teddy, isn't he
so funny?
240
00:08:40,041 --> 00:08:42,249
He's hilarious,
Mrs. Ryan.
241
00:08:42,333 --> 00:08:45,291
Why don't you eat this,
Congressman?
242
00:08:45,375 --> 00:08:46,999
- OK.
- There you go.
243
00:08:47,083 --> 00:08:48,750
- Thank you.
- All right.
244
00:08:48,833 --> 00:08:50,416
- Congressman Ryan.
- Yeah.
245
00:08:50,500 --> 00:08:52,750
How do you feel about
being relegated to
the undercard debate?
246
00:08:52,833 --> 00:08:55,083
- Oh, no comment.
- Uh, no. Comment.
247
00:08:55,166 --> 00:08:56,583
I deserve to be
in the real debate
248
00:08:56,667 --> 00:08:59,208
as much as Selina Meyer
and that hot new black lady.
249
00:08:59,291 --> 00:09:01,833
It is literally
the definition
of retarded.
250
00:09:01,958 --> 00:09:03,708
Congressman has
a very busy schedule,
thank you.
251
00:09:03,792 --> 00:09:05,458
Hi. Jonah Ryan,
candidate for president--
252
00:09:05,541 --> 00:09:06,875
What the fuck, Teddy?!
253
00:09:06,958 --> 00:09:08,917
You can't say "retarded"
in front of a reporter.
254
00:09:08,999 --> 00:09:11,416
- Why, is he retarded?
- No, but you might be.
255
00:09:11,500 --> 00:09:13,500
No. My pediatrician
ran the tests.
256
00:09:13,583 --> 00:09:16,750
Besides, if I was, you'd know.
I'd have retard face
or whatever.
257
00:09:16,833 --> 00:09:18,041
- He would look different.
- Jonah.
258
00:09:18,124 --> 00:09:20,375
You have to watch
what you say.
259
00:09:20,458 --> 00:09:24,833
- Damn it.
- Wait. Who are you calling?
No. Don't tell my mom.
260
00:09:24,917 --> 00:09:26,833
It's Teddy, yeah.
I'm calling in the favor.
261
00:09:26,917 --> 00:09:29,208
Teddy, look.
It's shitting in my mouth.
262
00:09:29,291 --> 00:09:31,792
He's pretending the potato
is pooping in his mouth.
263
00:09:31,875 --> 00:09:34,249
Mike:
Buzzfeed rented this house
for all their reporters.
264
00:09:34,333 --> 00:09:36,958
- Babe, why are you
wearing that hat?
- Well, ever since I got it,
265
00:09:37,041 --> 00:09:39,833
they stopped
calling me "Old Guy."
Now I'm "Hat Guy."
266
00:09:39,917 --> 00:09:42,500
- It's "Fat Guy."
- Hey, Mike, have you given
267
00:09:42,583 --> 00:09:44,583
any thought to that thing
that we talked about?
268
00:09:44,667 --> 00:09:47,083
I think it would be
really good for Ellen
269
00:09:47,166 --> 00:09:49,792
if we adopted another baby
from China.
270
00:09:49,875 --> 00:09:51,792
Wendy, we're barely
makin' ends meet,
271
00:09:51,875 --> 00:09:53,541
and ever since
the Felix Wade piece,
272
00:09:53,625 --> 00:09:55,166
Buzzfeed's been
climbing up my ass.
273
00:09:55,249 --> 00:09:57,333
Somehow they got the idea
I'm a good writer.
274
00:09:57,416 --> 00:10:00,583
- And I'm not!
- I gotta go help Ellen
with her Mandarin.
275
00:10:00,667 --> 00:10:02,667
All right. Ellen, ni hao!
276
00:10:02,750 --> 00:10:04,875
That means "hello,"
Mike.
277
00:10:04,958 --> 00:10:06,625
- Wendy: Have fun, baby.
- Lizzie: Hey, Fat Guy.
278
00:10:06,708 --> 00:10:09,667
Did I hear you're having trouble
meeting your article quota?
279
00:10:09,750 --> 00:10:10,875
Maybe.
280
00:10:10,958 --> 00:10:13,999
You interested in
some study buddies?
281
00:10:14,083 --> 00:10:15,416
Didn't I used to be
Hat Guy?
282
00:10:15,500 --> 00:10:16,875
I think it was always Fat Guy.
283
00:10:20,875 --> 00:10:22,750
( air brakes hiss )
284
00:10:22,833 --> 00:10:26,124
Oh, wow! What a crowd! Hi!
285
00:10:26,208 --> 00:10:28,249
- I hope you'll vote for me.
- Kent: "Caucus."
286
00:10:28,333 --> 00:10:30,458
- They don't know
what that word is.
- Good point.
287
00:10:30,541 --> 00:10:33,583
Hi, Mom! Don't tell me.
Are these all of
your children?
288
00:10:33,667 --> 00:10:34,917
- Yes, they are.
- That's a busy beaver.
289
00:10:34,999 --> 00:10:36,416
- Yes.
- Yes, indeed.
290
00:10:36,500 --> 00:10:39,792
Hey, kids. Were you all
just petting the animals?
291
00:10:39,875 --> 00:10:41,958
- Kids: Yes.
- Great.
292
00:10:42,041 --> 00:10:43,625
- Where's Kemi?
- Senator Talbot
293
00:10:43,708 --> 00:10:45,625
is currently using
her campaign app
294
00:10:45,708 --> 00:10:47,333
- to host a digital town hall.
- Kemi: ... woman of color...
295
00:10:47,416 --> 00:10:48,875
Jesus-hashtag-Christ.
296
00:10:48,958 --> 00:10:50,458
- Do we even have an app?
- Of course we do, ma'am.
297
00:10:50,541 --> 00:10:52,291
The current version
only asks for donations
298
00:10:52,375 --> 00:10:54,166
and, for some reason,
deletes your address book.
299
00:10:54,249 --> 00:10:56,166
Technically,
it's more of a virus.
300
00:10:56,249 --> 00:10:58,667
I had it but had to delete it
because it was making
my phone hot.
301
00:10:58,750 --> 00:11:00,792
Hello! Yes! Yeah!
302
00:11:00,875 --> 00:11:03,458
Madam President,
I have a question
and two follow-ups.
303
00:11:03,541 --> 00:11:06,083
- You do?
- How do you feel about
Governor Calhoun accusing you
304
00:11:06,166 --> 00:11:08,249
of being unfit for office
because of your complicity
305
00:11:08,333 --> 00:11:09,999
in your husband's
alleged crimes?
306
00:11:10,083 --> 00:11:11,999
He's my ex-husband, Mike,
307
00:11:12,083 --> 00:11:13,958
and I think
we're all getting
pretty tired
308
00:11:14,041 --> 00:11:16,833
of these cheap
personal attacks.
309
00:11:16,917 --> 00:11:20,667
- Perhaps that kind of thing
plays well in "Nevahda"--
- Nevada.
310
00:11:20,750 --> 00:11:23,792
Nevada, but I challenge
Governor Calhoun,
311
00:11:23,875 --> 00:11:26,667
and the other candidates,
to, uh,
312
00:11:26,750 --> 00:11:28,541
to join me...
313
00:11:28,625 --> 00:11:31,333
in a "non-negative" pledge.
314
00:11:31,416 --> 00:11:33,667
I think it's time
to start talking about
315
00:11:33,750 --> 00:11:37,166
the issues that affect
real Americans.
316
00:11:37,249 --> 00:11:38,416
Thank you.
317
00:11:38,500 --> 00:11:40,166
Wow, Mike,
you said an actual thing.
318
00:11:40,249 --> 00:11:41,667
How the fuck did that happen?
319
00:11:41,750 --> 00:11:43,166
It's like
"Flowers for Algernon."
320
00:11:43,249 --> 00:11:45,333
I understand
that reference now.
It's a book.
321
00:11:45,416 --> 00:11:47,208
Oh, by the way,
have you seen Andrew?
322
00:11:47,291 --> 00:11:48,958
I gotta get ahold of him.
323
00:11:49,041 --> 00:11:50,999
I'm startin' to think
he's rippin' me off.
324
00:11:51,083 --> 00:11:53,208
Stephanie:
What we do at
Crawford Bloom Associates,
325
00:11:53,291 --> 00:11:56,041
we work with
high profile clients
like yourself
326
00:11:56,124 --> 00:11:59,541
to make sure that
not only are they understood,
327
00:11:59,625 --> 00:12:02,375
but, more importantly,
never misunderstood.
328
00:12:02,458 --> 00:12:04,708
We want you to put
your best foot forward
329
00:12:04,792 --> 00:12:06,792
- and not in your mouth.
- Exactly.
330
00:12:06,875 --> 00:12:08,333
That's a good one.
I like that.
331
00:12:08,416 --> 00:12:10,208
- I like these guys.
- Stephanie: OK, so,
332
00:12:10,291 --> 00:12:11,999
you went to the fair yesterday.
333
00:12:12,083 --> 00:12:13,792
- ( Jonah laughing )
- Yeah. Let's talk about
334
00:12:13,875 --> 00:12:17,249
the specific incident
that brought you to us.
335
00:12:17,333 --> 00:12:20,291
- Oh, yeah, the retarded thing.
- Yes. Exactly.
336
00:12:20,375 --> 00:12:22,249
Now, when you said
that word, Congressman,
337
00:12:22,333 --> 00:12:24,917
is there, I don't know,
another word that
you could have used,
338
00:12:24,999 --> 00:12:26,583
had the same meaning?
339
00:12:28,792 --> 00:12:30,999
- There's no wrong answers.
- Nope.
340
00:12:32,583 --> 00:12:34,833
Um...
mentally retarded?
341
00:12:34,917 --> 00:12:37,416
No, that-- that's wrong.
342
00:12:37,500 --> 00:12:38,917
I see where
your head is at, though,
343
00:12:38,999 --> 00:12:40,750
and you are
technically correct.
344
00:12:40,833 --> 00:12:42,583
- Thank you. Thank you.
- Danny: Yes.
345
00:12:42,667 --> 00:12:45,625
And technically also, though,
you see how you're still using
346
00:12:45,708 --> 00:12:47,416
the same form of
the hurtful word?
347
00:12:47,500 --> 00:12:48,917
You're feeling
what I'm saying?
348
00:12:48,999 --> 00:12:51,124
Yeah, not really.
Can I get another bagel?
349
00:12:51,208 --> 00:12:53,083
It might be a great time
to introduce
350
00:12:53,166 --> 00:12:55,291
a new strategy
that we have developed here
351
00:12:55,375 --> 00:12:58,249
called "360 degree
perspective-taking."
352
00:12:58,333 --> 00:12:59,917
Oh, God, is that like math?
353
00:12:59,999 --> 00:13:01,792
Actually, it's just a way
of using empathy
354
00:13:01,875 --> 00:13:05,083
to help avoid hurting
other people's feelings.
355
00:13:05,166 --> 00:13:07,625
( laughs )
That's so gay.
356
00:13:07,708 --> 00:13:09,583
- Um, what?
- Excuse me?
357
00:13:09,667 --> 00:13:11,416
Oh, guys, come on.
358
00:13:11,500 --> 00:13:13,124
I didn't mean like gay gay
359
00:13:13,208 --> 00:13:14,958
or like "This guy
and his husband are gay."
360
00:13:15,041 --> 00:13:18,166
I meant gay like,
uh, mentally retarded.
361
00:13:18,249 --> 00:13:20,083
OK. You know what?
Ah, Stephanie,
362
00:13:20,166 --> 00:13:21,708
I need a minute,
I just need one minute.
363
00:13:21,792 --> 00:13:23,750
- I'm so sorry. Thank you.
- Jonah: OK. Yeah.
364
00:13:23,833 --> 00:13:26,458
Is this guy on
his fuckin' period?
What is--
365
00:13:26,541 --> 00:13:27,541
Ow!
366
00:13:27,625 --> 00:13:29,750
( knocking on door )
367
00:13:29,833 --> 00:13:32,750
My dumb slit sister
was supposed to be
368
00:13:32,833 --> 00:13:34,708
my abortion ride,
but now, of course,
369
00:13:34,792 --> 00:13:36,750
she is nowhere to be found,
so I'm--
370
00:13:36,833 --> 00:13:38,958
- Oh. That makes sense.
- Dan: Yeah.
371
00:13:39,041 --> 00:13:40,875
Well, would you mind?
372
00:13:40,958 --> 00:13:43,291
Unless you plan on
fucking her again
while she's passed out.
373
00:13:43,375 --> 00:13:45,625
She doesn't call that rape,
by the way, that's just
regular sex to her.
374
00:13:45,708 --> 00:13:46,875
- I will get my keys.
- Thank you.
375
00:13:46,958 --> 00:13:49,333
Sophie:
Don't wear white pants!
376
00:13:49,416 --> 00:13:51,208
Richard:
Big news, ma'am.
Governor Calhoun announced
377
00:13:51,291 --> 00:13:52,833
that he's signed onto
your non-negative pledge.
378
00:13:52,917 --> 00:13:54,124
Oh, what a pussy.
379
00:13:54,208 --> 00:13:55,291
Kent:
Ma'am, every candidate
380
00:13:55,375 --> 00:13:56,792
has made
the non-negative pledge,
381
00:13:56,875 --> 00:13:58,541
including Tom James and Kemi.
382
00:13:58,625 --> 00:13:59,958
Look at you!
383
00:14:00,041 --> 00:14:01,667
You've got chocolate
all over your face like a child,
384
00:14:01,750 --> 00:14:03,166
but you're an adult! Adorable!
385
00:14:03,249 --> 00:14:06,208
Also, the dog mayor of Lurlene
has passed away.
386
00:14:06,291 --> 00:14:07,458
- I'm sorry, Richard.
- Oh, my God.
387
00:14:07,541 --> 00:14:09,249
- What? Who?
- The dog that I, uh...
388
00:14:09,333 --> 00:14:10,458
Oh. No.
389
00:14:10,541 --> 00:14:12,041
We should probably
send someone to the funeral.
390
00:14:12,124 --> 00:14:13,416
Well, make Amy go.
391
00:14:13,500 --> 00:14:15,833
Where is that Fatty McFatty
hiding today?
392
00:14:15,917 --> 00:14:17,541
She aborted
her unborn fetus.
393
00:14:17,625 --> 00:14:20,166
Dock her a day's pay then.
Richard, do you want to go?
394
00:14:20,249 --> 00:14:21,999
It would be my honor
to attend.
395
00:14:22,083 --> 00:14:24,792
( rifle popping )
396
00:14:24,875 --> 00:14:26,041
Winner.
397
00:14:26,124 --> 00:14:27,583
Honey,
I think that's enough.
398
00:14:27,667 --> 00:14:29,667
These are clearly made
with child labor.
399
00:14:29,750 --> 00:14:31,249
- Hold this.
- Man: What are you,
400
00:14:31,333 --> 00:14:32,500
some kind of Green Beret?
401
00:14:32,583 --> 00:14:35,416
I was an agricultural advisor.
Nothing more.
402
00:14:36,958 --> 00:14:38,458
( protesters shouting )
403
00:14:38,541 --> 00:14:40,208
Woman:
Abortion is murder!
404
00:14:40,291 --> 00:14:42,875
Keep your head down, Ames.
I'll part the redneck sea.
405
00:14:42,958 --> 00:14:46,041
Dan:
All right, all right,
back up. Make some room.
406
00:14:46,124 --> 00:14:48,458
Psalm 106! Think of
the innocent children!
407
00:14:48,541 --> 00:14:51,458
- Oh! You want me to think...
- No, no, no, no, no, no.
408
00:14:51,541 --> 00:14:53,875
about the children,
you hog-fingering fucks?
409
00:14:53,958 --> 00:14:55,500
Well, I did think about this.
410
00:14:55,583 --> 00:14:58,208
I considered it,
and I cried, and yeah,
411
00:14:58,291 --> 00:15:01,041
suck my cock,
I even prayed a little,
and here I am.
412
00:15:01,124 --> 00:15:03,999
So you can back the fuck off,
you hypocritical cunts,
413
00:15:04,083 --> 00:15:06,500
before I show up
to the piss puddle
that is your house
414
00:15:06,583 --> 00:15:09,958
and protest your husband
whacking it to your daughter's
seventh grade yearbook.
415
00:15:10,041 --> 00:15:11,249
That sign's misspelled.
416
00:15:11,333 --> 00:15:12,792
- Come on, Dan.
- Yes. Yes.
417
00:15:12,875 --> 00:15:15,041
And I hope you'll all caucus
for Selina Meyer.
418
00:15:15,124 --> 00:15:16,500
New Selina Now.
419
00:15:16,583 --> 00:15:19,124
- ( ring clanks )
- Ohh! Darn it.
420
00:15:19,208 --> 00:15:20,958
- OK. Yeah?
- Ma'am.
421
00:15:21,041 --> 00:15:22,792
( whispers )
Kemi killed her boyfriend.
422
00:15:22,875 --> 00:15:25,708
What? How is this
not all over the news?
423
00:15:25,792 --> 00:15:27,583
Her records were sealed.
She was 16.
424
00:15:27,667 --> 00:15:30,416
She accidentally hit him
with her Volkswagen Cabriolet.
425
00:15:30,500 --> 00:15:32,999
She is an actual murderer?!
426
00:15:33,083 --> 00:15:34,041
( laughing ) Yes!
427
00:15:34,124 --> 00:15:35,750
Who drives an import!
428
00:15:35,833 --> 00:15:37,708
Oh, my God!
429
00:15:37,792 --> 00:15:39,917
I think I'm gonna cry.
430
00:15:39,999 --> 00:15:41,625
We gotta spread this news
431
00:15:41,708 --> 00:15:45,541
like Kemi's boyfriend's guts
all over the pavement!
432
00:15:45,625 --> 00:15:47,583
Actually, he was decapitated.
433
00:15:47,667 --> 00:15:49,500
- Here. You do this.
- Ma'am. Ma'am.
434
00:15:49,583 --> 00:15:52,750
We can't use this.
Social media is exploding
with praise
435
00:15:52,833 --> 00:15:54,625
for your
non-negative pledge.
436
00:15:56,667 --> 00:15:58,958
Well, why did you morons
let me do that?
437
00:15:59,041 --> 00:16:00,750
- ( clank )
- Man: Winner.
438
00:16:00,833 --> 00:16:02,291
- ( Selina gasps )
- ( crowd oohs )
439
00:16:02,375 --> 00:16:04,583
Oh! I did it! I did it!
440
00:16:04,667 --> 00:16:06,500
- Here you go, ma'am.
- Thank you.
441
00:16:06,583 --> 00:16:09,249
Enjoy the rest of your day
at the Waterloo County Fair.
442
00:16:09,333 --> 00:16:11,291
Thank you.
I don't want this.
443
00:16:11,375 --> 00:16:14,416
OK. Is there any way
we can accuse Kemi
444
00:16:14,500 --> 00:16:17,625
of murdering her boyfriend,
but in a positive way?
445
00:16:17,708 --> 00:16:20,875
Madam President!
Guess your age?
Guess your weight?
446
00:16:20,958 --> 00:16:22,541
Oh. Um-- ( laughs )
447
00:16:22,625 --> 00:16:24,792
- OK. What was that?
- ( Gary mutters )
448
00:16:24,875 --> 00:16:26,792
- Where's Secret Service?
- Just came out of nowhere.
449
00:16:26,875 --> 00:16:29,500
Woman:
OK, Ms. Brookheimer,
I do need to warn you
450
00:16:29,583 --> 00:16:30,958
about some of
the surgical risks involved.
451
00:16:31,041 --> 00:16:32,999
Infection, bleeding,
uterine perforation.
452
00:16:33,083 --> 00:16:34,917
Yep, 10-4.
Body's a wonderland.
453
00:16:34,999 --> 00:16:36,583
Can I just sign
the consent form?
454
00:16:36,667 --> 00:16:38,833
Per Iowa law, I do
have to offer you the option
455
00:16:38,917 --> 00:16:39,958
of viewing the ultrasound.
456
00:16:40,041 --> 00:16:41,291
Less talk, more abortion.
457
00:16:41,375 --> 00:16:42,750
Patient has declined.
458
00:16:44,333 --> 00:16:48,166
I am as sure...
as I will be.
459
00:16:48,249 --> 00:16:50,875
OK. We're gonna give you
some medicine now
to help you relax.
460
00:16:50,958 --> 00:16:54,333
( chuckles ) Oh, yeah? You got
any of those darts they use
on rampaging circus animals?
461
00:16:54,416 --> 00:16:56,667
No need.
Everyone's always
telling me to relax
462
00:16:56,750 --> 00:16:57,999
and I'm not good at relaxing.
463
00:16:58,083 --> 00:16:59,833
Well, I don't want to relax
464
00:16:59,917 --> 00:17:02,833
'cause I hate relaxing so...
465
00:17:02,917 --> 00:17:04,833
- Ooh.
- Ahh.
466
00:17:04,917 --> 00:17:06,416
There you go, tough guy.
467
00:17:06,500 --> 00:17:08,999
- Very good.
- Nurse: Mm-hmm.
468
00:17:09,083 --> 00:17:10,750
Is that the Berkeley VC-10?
469
00:17:10,833 --> 00:17:13,500
That's like
the Shelby Cobra GT
of vag-vacs.
470
00:17:13,583 --> 00:17:15,083
I'm sorry, who is this man?
471
00:17:15,166 --> 00:17:16,500
( sing-songy )
That's Dan.
472
00:17:16,583 --> 00:17:18,667
Yeah, I'm the proud
father-to-not-be.
473
00:17:18,750 --> 00:17:21,291
- Here ya go, ma'am.
- Uh-huh.
474
00:17:21,375 --> 00:17:23,667
- Madam President.
- Selina: Yes.
475
00:17:23,750 --> 00:17:25,833
And the crowd goes wild.
476
00:17:28,458 --> 00:17:30,708
What is up with
the Clubfoot Cunt-tessa?
477
00:17:30,792 --> 00:17:33,708
I think she's worried
that you might beat her up
in the girls' bathroom,
478
00:17:33,792 --> 00:17:35,708
- give her a swirly.
- Oh, no.
479
00:17:35,792 --> 00:17:37,249
( laughing )
Yeah, you would've.
480
00:17:37,333 --> 00:17:38,708
OK. You know what?
481
00:17:38,792 --> 00:17:40,333
- Can you just...
- Sure. Yeah.
482
00:17:40,416 --> 00:17:42,750
Madam President,
I do believe that we are
483
00:17:42,833 --> 00:17:44,917
literally and figuratively
out to pasture.
484
00:17:44,999 --> 00:17:46,833
Oh, God, it's really too bad,
'cause I've got something
485
00:17:46,917 --> 00:17:51,541
so juicy on
Ms. Post-Racial America.
486
00:17:51,625 --> 00:17:52,875
- How juicy?
- I mean,
487
00:17:52,958 --> 00:17:54,999
fresh-squeezed
Billy Carter juicy.
488
00:17:55,083 --> 00:17:56,041
But I can't use it,
489
00:17:56,124 --> 00:17:59,041
- unless...
- Unless...
490
00:17:59,124 --> 00:18:00,583
he wondered.
491
00:18:00,667 --> 00:18:04,375
Unless.., you wanted
to break the pledge first.
492
00:18:04,458 --> 00:18:07,291
You want me to go back
on your word.
493
00:18:08,500 --> 00:18:10,416
No. Forget it.
This never works.
494
00:18:10,500 --> 00:18:12,124
- What am I thinking?
- No, no, no, no.
495
00:18:12,208 --> 00:18:14,833
Selina, listen, you got
no reason to trust me,
based on...
496
00:18:14,917 --> 00:18:17,249
Yeah. Trying to screw me
out of the presidency,
497
00:18:17,333 --> 00:18:19,583
then trying to
actually screw me,
498
00:18:19,667 --> 00:18:20,917
then screwing me,
499
00:18:20,999 --> 00:18:22,750
then writing a book
about screwing me.
500
00:18:22,833 --> 00:18:25,708
- Also discussed it
on television.
- Lovely.
501
00:18:25,792 --> 00:18:28,583
- If I go negative on Kemi...
- Yeah.
502
00:18:28,667 --> 00:18:29,917
once she's gone...
503
00:18:29,999 --> 00:18:31,375
The party's stuck with us.
504
00:18:31,458 --> 00:18:33,792
Like it's supposed to be.
505
00:18:33,875 --> 00:18:36,833
Jonah:
And that is why
I know I'm wrong
506
00:18:36,917 --> 00:18:39,375
and I would like to apologize
for the hurtful words
that I used.
507
00:18:39,458 --> 00:18:42,249
And not just because
there was a camera.
508
00:18:42,333 --> 00:18:43,875
Teddy:
Although if there is a tape,
509
00:18:43,958 --> 00:18:46,958
we would appreciate it
and any copies of that tape
510
00:18:47,041 --> 00:18:50,375
to... pray and reflect on.
511
00:18:53,291 --> 00:18:54,375
Come on, guys.
512
00:18:56,208 --> 00:18:57,875
( scoffs ) Are you deaf?
513
00:18:57,958 --> 00:19:00,708
( mocking deaf people )
Did you not hear
what he was saying?
514
00:19:00,792 --> 00:19:02,875
What is wrong with you?
Are you fuckin' retarded?!
515
00:19:02,958 --> 00:19:04,917
- Oh, my God!
- Ohh--
516
00:19:04,999 --> 00:19:07,875
I am so sorry. I'm so sorry.
517
00:19:07,958 --> 00:19:10,333
- No, no, no. It's OK.
- I'm so sorry.
518
00:19:10,416 --> 00:19:12,166
I accept your apology.
519
00:19:12,249 --> 00:19:13,625
( clears throat )
520
00:19:13,708 --> 00:19:16,917
- I really love that sweater.
- Thank you.
521
00:19:16,999 --> 00:19:18,792
Jonah:
One voter at a time, Teddy.
522
00:19:18,875 --> 00:19:21,208
- Beth: But Jonah,
there were two of them.
- I know.
523
00:19:21,291 --> 00:19:22,958
I have left literally
hundreds of messages,
524
00:19:23,041 --> 00:19:24,667
none of which you've returned,
which is why
525
00:19:24,750 --> 00:19:26,124
I am writing this email,
Andrew--
526
00:19:26,208 --> 00:19:27,583
- Hey, Mike. You good?
- Actually, I'm under
527
00:19:27,667 --> 00:19:28,667
a little bit of pressure.
528
00:19:28,750 --> 00:19:30,124
My wife wants to adopt a new kid
529
00:19:30,208 --> 00:19:31,667
and my old boss's ex-husband
530
00:19:31,750 --> 00:19:32,958
maybe stole our life savings,
531
00:19:33,041 --> 00:19:34,166
so I'm trying
to write him a letter
532
00:19:34,249 --> 00:19:35,458
but I can't focus on anything
533
00:19:35,541 --> 00:19:37,166
'cause it's so dirty in here,
534
00:19:37,249 --> 00:19:39,333
and bright,
and, oddly, windy, right?
535
00:19:39,416 --> 00:19:41,249
Hey, do you have any more
of those "concentratey" pills?
536
00:19:41,333 --> 00:19:43,083
Yeah, no, I think
you've had enough.
537
00:19:43,166 --> 00:19:45,500
Thank you!
"I've had enough, Andrew!
538
00:19:45,583 --> 00:19:48,500
Mike McLintock
has had enough!"
539
00:19:48,583 --> 00:19:52,041
Catherine:
This is a pretty good turnout
for a dog funeral.
540
00:19:52,124 --> 00:19:54,291
I mean,
even the governor's here.
541
00:19:54,375 --> 00:19:56,041
Who are all these people?
542
00:19:56,124 --> 00:19:58,708
Novelty mayors
are Iowa's number one
source of tourism.
543
00:19:58,792 --> 00:19:59,917
After tornado-chasing.
544
00:19:59,999 --> 00:20:02,999
And coming into town
to buy Sudafed.
545
00:20:03,083 --> 00:20:06,041
- Is that a mayor as well?
- ( laughs ) That's just a cat.
546
00:20:06,124 --> 00:20:08,208
Could you imagine?
( laughs )
547
00:20:08,291 --> 00:20:10,333
- This isn't Nebraska.
- Judge Sackett: Richard.
548
00:20:10,416 --> 00:20:11,958
Can I speak with you
after the service?
549
00:20:12,041 --> 00:20:13,375
Of course, Judge.
550
00:20:13,458 --> 00:20:15,208
How's the search for
the new successor?
551
00:20:15,291 --> 00:20:18,291
Sadly, the mayor was fixed
and cloning was too expensive.
552
00:20:18,375 --> 00:20:20,208
That's what I want
to talk to you about.
553
00:20:20,291 --> 00:20:22,166
Would you like me
to neuter the new mayor?
554
00:20:23,541 --> 00:20:25,416
We're being sued
by the sensitivity trainers.
555
00:20:25,500 --> 00:20:27,625
Joke's on them,
because you can't
sue the president.
556
00:20:27,708 --> 00:20:30,041
Jonah, I know this is just
the undercard debate,
557
00:20:30,124 --> 00:20:33,333
- but it's still important.
- Well, hello!
558
00:20:33,416 --> 00:20:35,750
Oh, no. Jonah, you should've
worn a costume.
559
00:20:35,833 --> 00:20:37,750
What the fuck?
I gotta debate Dumbledong?
560
00:20:37,833 --> 00:20:40,667
Listen, OK. He's just
the protest candidate.
Ignore him.
561
00:20:40,750 --> 00:20:42,083
What's most important is,
562
00:20:42,166 --> 00:20:43,708
you have to be more PC
563
00:20:43,792 --> 00:20:45,917
than a clit ring
made out of wheatgrass.
564
00:20:45,999 --> 00:20:48,124
Don't worry about it.
I got it handled.
565
00:20:48,208 --> 00:20:50,708
- I wrote down
all the words not to say.
- OK, that'll work.
566
00:20:50,792 --> 00:20:53,458
( music playing )
567
00:20:53,541 --> 00:20:55,750
Woman:
Welcome back
to tonight's debate
568
00:20:55,833 --> 00:20:58,166
featuring candidates
polling between 5%
569
00:20:58,249 --> 00:21:00,583
and not-statistically
significant.
570
00:21:00,667 --> 00:21:02,667
I'm Brie Ramachandran-Shulhoff.
571
00:21:02,750 --> 00:21:04,583
Let's turn our attention
to foreign policy,
572
00:21:04,667 --> 00:21:06,541
- Congressman Ryan.
- Bring it on, Brie.
573
00:21:06,625 --> 00:21:07,833
Your question is about Africa.
574
00:21:07,917 --> 00:21:09,625
- Pass.
- With China challenging
575
00:21:09,708 --> 00:21:12,291
American hegemony
across the African continent,
576
00:21:12,375 --> 00:21:15,583
should we adopt
a more aggressive policy
of forward deployment
577
00:21:15,667 --> 00:21:19,750
by sending U.S. ground troops
into countries like Niger?
578
00:21:19,833 --> 00:21:21,500
I'm sorry, you can't say that.
579
00:21:23,667 --> 00:21:25,958
I mean, only he can say that.
580
00:21:27,166 --> 00:21:28,625
Say what, "Niger"?
581
00:21:28,708 --> 00:21:30,416
It doesn't matter
how you pronounce it,
582
00:21:30,500 --> 00:21:32,958
we now know
that it is wrong.
583
00:21:33,041 --> 00:21:34,500
Congressman, I think
you're confused.
584
00:21:34,583 --> 00:21:36,041
She's referring to
the African nation--
585
00:21:36,124 --> 00:21:38,958
- African American nation.
- ...of Niger.
586
00:21:39,041 --> 00:21:41,792
( whispers ) Jesus, Clark,
you're standing
right next to the guy.
587
00:21:41,875 --> 00:21:43,208
What did he say?
588
00:21:43,291 --> 00:21:45,291
No, he said it,
not me.
589
00:21:45,375 --> 00:21:46,917
But for the record,
590
00:21:46,999 --> 00:21:48,625
I think that the United States
591
00:21:48,708 --> 00:21:51,124
should send troops
into countries like N-word,
592
00:21:51,208 --> 00:21:52,999
and I think it would be best
593
00:21:53,083 --> 00:21:55,041
if those troops were black.
594
00:21:55,124 --> 00:21:57,416
Can I just say,
making friends overseas
595
00:21:57,500 --> 00:21:59,458
- is powerful magic.
- ( crowd applauding )
596
00:21:59,541 --> 00:22:01,792
You ask him any question,
it's gonna be "powerful magic."
597
00:22:01,875 --> 00:22:04,249
I'm gonna ask him a question.
What's your solution
598
00:22:04,333 --> 00:22:06,999
to fix our failing
public education system?
599
00:22:07,083 --> 00:22:08,958
Well, longer school years,
600
00:22:09,041 --> 00:22:11,667
free breakfast...
and magic!
601
00:22:11,750 --> 00:22:13,166
- Oh, come on.
- ( crowd applauding )
602
00:22:13,249 --> 00:22:16,166
Little Richard
will be very happy
for his daddy--
603
00:22:16,249 --> 00:22:17,833
the new mayor of Lurlene.
604
00:22:17,917 --> 00:22:19,166
Catherine, he won't
be making memories
605
00:22:19,249 --> 00:22:20,500
for another 22 months.
606
00:22:20,583 --> 00:22:22,166
Hey, I think that went
pretty well, right?
607
00:22:22,249 --> 00:22:23,833
Well, I just got here,
so I'm gonna say yes.
608
00:22:23,917 --> 00:22:26,333
I want you to add
the Dalai Lama to this list,
609
00:22:26,416 --> 00:22:28,667
'cause I'm gonna be
the only stiff at my funeral.
610
00:22:28,750 --> 00:22:31,458
Oh, look at this.
Congressman Ryan!
611
00:22:31,541 --> 00:22:33,833
And this must be
Mrs. Ryan.
612
00:22:33,917 --> 00:22:36,333
Or do you go by
your maiden name: Mrs. Ryan?
613
00:22:36,416 --> 00:22:37,667
Oh, either is fine.
614
00:22:37,750 --> 00:22:39,458
No, ma'am,
she's my half-sister.
615
00:22:39,541 --> 00:22:41,625
- Step.
- Gary: She's his step-sister.
616
00:22:41,708 --> 00:22:44,208
Madam President,
Congressman Ryan,
I'm glad you're both here.
617
00:22:44,291 --> 00:22:47,166
It seems I have been appointed
the new Mayor of Lurlene.
618
00:22:47,249 --> 00:22:50,667
- Oh, congratulations!
- Mayor Splizzle in the hizzle!
619
00:22:50,750 --> 00:22:52,041
Wow. All right.
620
00:22:52,124 --> 00:22:53,667
But don't you have to be a dog?
621
00:22:53,750 --> 00:22:55,833
Well, legally, yes,
but it's unenforceable.
622
00:22:55,917 --> 00:22:57,667
But, sadly, I have to tell you
623
00:22:57,750 --> 00:22:59,541
that I can no longer work
for your presidential campaign.
624
00:22:59,625 --> 00:23:02,541
- Of course. I understand.
- I'll be sorry to lose you.
625
00:23:02,625 --> 00:23:03,667
Uh, me too.
626
00:23:05,249 --> 00:23:06,541
- Kent: ( whispers ) Ma'am.
- Hm?
627
00:23:06,625 --> 00:23:08,166
- Ma'am.
- What?
628
00:23:08,249 --> 00:23:09,291
Excuse me. Yes?
629
00:23:09,375 --> 00:23:11,166
It seems that Mike
just published
630
00:23:11,249 --> 00:23:14,458
a piece on Buzzfeed
entitled "An Open Letter
to Andrew Meyer."
631
00:23:14,541 --> 00:23:18,583
"Dear Mr. Andrew Meyer,
I have invested my entire
life savings with you,
632
00:23:18,667 --> 00:23:20,792
and have yet to see
a single dollar in return."
633
00:23:20,875 --> 00:23:22,583
What?!
Mike's entire life savings?
634
00:23:22,667 --> 00:23:24,458
So we're talking about,
what, $6?
635
00:23:24,541 --> 00:23:26,958
The term "Fonzie scheme"
is referenced.
636
00:23:27,041 --> 00:23:28,999
And the article as a whole
is not cool.
637
00:23:29,083 --> 00:23:31,541
Get that Benedict
Ronald McDonald
638
00:23:31,625 --> 00:23:32,750
on the phone right now.
639
00:23:32,833 --> 00:23:34,375
And find me Tom James!
640
00:23:34,458 --> 00:23:35,792
( cell phone ringing )
641
00:23:37,667 --> 00:23:39,333
( ringing )
642
00:23:41,875 --> 00:23:44,750
- Fat Guy's phone.
- Selina: Mike, what
the backstabbing fuck?!
643
00:23:44,833 --> 00:23:47,708
Dude, your mom's on the phone.
She sounds pissed.
644
00:23:47,792 --> 00:23:49,792
( music playing )
645
00:23:49,875 --> 00:23:51,583
Kemi:
And that's why as a woman,
646
00:23:51,667 --> 00:23:53,249
and a woman of color,
647
00:23:53,333 --> 00:23:56,375
my entire life has been
training for the Oval Office.
648
00:23:56,458 --> 00:23:58,583
- ( applause )
- If I could just add onto that
649
00:23:58,667 --> 00:24:00,416
- Selina: You know, Greg,
- by speaking-- Yeah. OK.
650
00:24:00,500 --> 00:24:04,291
Selina:
I have actually sat
in the Oval Office
651
00:24:04,375 --> 00:24:06,375
and made tough decisions--
652
00:24:06,458 --> 00:24:08,792
life-and-death decisions.
653
00:24:11,458 --> 00:24:13,500
And believe me, the many,
654
00:24:13,583 --> 00:24:16,458
many accomplishments
of the Meyer administration
655
00:24:16,541 --> 00:24:18,583
were no accident.
656
00:24:18,667 --> 00:24:20,958
What? What-- Oh.
657
00:24:21,041 --> 00:24:23,667
- Did you say-- I'm sorry,
did you say something? OK.
- No, you're good. No, no.
658
00:24:23,750 --> 00:24:25,583
- I'd like to hop in, and just--
- Selina: Which is--
659
00:24:25,667 --> 00:24:27,166
- Tom: I think I know...
- All right.
660
00:24:27,249 --> 00:24:30,792
what President Meyer
is driving at so artfully,
661
00:24:30,875 --> 00:24:32,708
is that she would like me
to tell you
662
00:24:32,792 --> 00:24:35,792
that Senator Talbot here
accidentally murdered
her boyfriend
663
00:24:35,875 --> 00:24:38,708
in a reckless car accident
when she was 16 years old.
664
00:24:38,792 --> 00:24:40,583
But you know what?
I'm not gonna stoop
665
00:24:40,667 --> 00:24:42,541
to your level and say that,
Selina. I'm not--
666
00:24:42,625 --> 00:24:45,166
I'm not sure what you mean,
Senator James--
667
00:24:45,249 --> 00:24:48,416
I guess we shouldn't
be surprised at this kind
of underhandedness
668
00:24:48,500 --> 00:24:50,124
from a woman whose husband,
Andrew Meyer--
669
00:24:50,208 --> 00:24:52,124
- Ex-husband, in fact.
- Whatever he is.
670
00:24:52,208 --> 00:24:53,917
- You want to get it right.
- The two of you,
671
00:24:53,999 --> 00:24:55,458
according to your
former press secretary,
672
00:24:55,541 --> 00:24:58,375
used the Meyer Fund
to defraud millions of dollars
673
00:24:58,458 --> 00:25:01,249
from our obese children,
from our adult illiterates,
674
00:25:01,333 --> 00:25:03,792
- from emerging democracies...
- Our military families.
675
00:25:03,875 --> 00:25:05,500
So where you headed after this?
676
00:25:05,583 --> 00:25:08,166
I got a neo-Nazi on the dangle
in Sweden.
677
00:25:08,249 --> 00:25:10,333
Only one talking point,
but they do stick to it.
678
00:25:10,416 --> 00:25:11,708
Did you know
that President Meyer
679
00:25:11,792 --> 00:25:13,999
had a heart attack
a couple of years ago?
680
00:25:14,083 --> 00:25:15,583
Just covered it up!
681
00:25:15,667 --> 00:25:17,583
Well, you had a heart attack.
682
00:25:17,667 --> 00:25:19,625
This was a minor
prostate procedure....
683
00:25:19,708 --> 00:25:21,583
If I may interject.
Please.
684
00:25:21,667 --> 00:25:22,917
I think that
the American people
685
00:25:22,999 --> 00:25:24,625
deserve more from
the next president
686
00:25:24,708 --> 00:25:27,166
than a bunch of
politics-as-usual
mud-slinging.
687
00:25:27,249 --> 00:25:28,416
( applause )
688
00:25:28,500 --> 00:25:30,208
Oh, boy.
689
00:25:30,291 --> 00:25:31,917
That Kemi really
has it going on.
690
00:25:31,999 --> 00:25:33,625
Kemi:
And it brings me no joy
691
00:25:33,708 --> 00:25:36,291
to revisit one of the worst
events of my childhood
692
00:25:36,375 --> 00:25:39,750
in which, yes,
I was in a car accident
693
00:25:39,833 --> 00:25:41,541
that killed a dear friend.
694
00:25:41,625 --> 00:25:44,166
But I have looked up
to President Meyer
695
00:25:44,249 --> 00:25:45,708
since I was a little girl,
696
00:25:45,792 --> 00:25:48,458
and I have heard her many,
many explanations
697
00:25:48,541 --> 00:25:50,833
for her ex-husband's
activities at the fund.
698
00:25:50,917 --> 00:25:52,500
And I accept them all.
699
00:25:52,583 --> 00:25:54,458
Well. ( laughs )
You know, if--
700
00:25:54,541 --> 00:25:58,041
- Oh. You do?
- I do. And frankly,
I'm tired of hearing about it.
701
00:25:58,124 --> 00:26:01,041
- I think we all are.
- Selina: Well, I know I am.
Thank you.
702
00:26:01,124 --> 00:26:03,792
- Um, I--
- And as far as both
of your medical issues go,
703
00:26:03,875 --> 00:26:06,917
- it's TMI, people, it's TMI.
- ( audience laughs )
704
00:26:06,999 --> 00:26:09,249
And I would just
like to add to that--
705
00:26:09,333 --> 00:26:10,917
- Greg: Hold that thought,
Governor Calhoun.
- Yeah.
706
00:26:10,999 --> 00:26:12,333
We're gonna take
a quick break
707
00:26:12,416 --> 00:26:13,583
and then we will be right back
708
00:26:13,667 --> 00:26:15,291
with more of
the presidential debate
709
00:26:15,375 --> 00:26:18,750
live from Drake University
in Des Moines, Iowa,
710
00:26:18,833 --> 00:26:20,375
in just a moment.
711
00:26:20,458 --> 00:26:22,416
( applause )
712
00:26:22,500 --> 00:26:24,792
Stagehand:
And we're clear.
713
00:26:26,249 --> 00:26:27,750
Oh, my God. Oh, my God!
714
00:26:27,833 --> 00:26:29,792
- I'm sorry, Mom.
- Man: Back in two minutes.
715
00:26:29,875 --> 00:26:32,249
You gotta help me.
Somebody's gotta
tell me what to do.
716
00:26:32,333 --> 00:26:33,583
Hit her with the economy.
717
00:26:33,667 --> 00:26:35,625
There's no way
her college loan plan
718
00:26:35,708 --> 00:26:37,041
can pay for itself.
719
00:26:37,124 --> 00:26:38,792
Neither can mine, Ben!
None of these plans can!
720
00:26:38,875 --> 00:26:40,249
Do you have your
debate cheat sheet?
721
00:26:40,333 --> 00:26:41,792
- Yes, it's right here.
- All right.
722
00:26:41,875 --> 00:26:43,917
Ma'am, this is your
funeral blackball list.
723
00:26:43,999 --> 00:26:45,875
And all of you are on it!
724
00:26:45,958 --> 00:26:48,875
We need to muddy her up.
Something as bad as Andrew.
725
00:26:48,958 --> 00:26:50,083
- Drugs.
- Lesbianism.
726
00:26:50,166 --> 00:26:51,750
Mom, Mom, stop. OK?
727
00:26:51,833 --> 00:26:53,208
If you don't win,
728
00:26:53,291 --> 00:26:55,083
we are all gonna
have to rally behind Kemi.
729
00:26:55,166 --> 00:26:56,500
- Catherine, who cut your hair?
- Yeah.
730
00:26:56,583 --> 00:26:57,917
Man:
One minute, Madam President.
731
00:26:57,999 --> 00:26:59,875
Please head back to the stage.
732
00:26:59,958 --> 00:27:01,416
OK, um...
733
00:27:01,500 --> 00:27:03,875
Olu-wakemi Talibah Talbot.
734
00:27:03,958 --> 00:27:06,667
- Oh.
- That sounds like
a terrorist to me, folks.
735
00:27:06,750 --> 00:27:09,291
- Talibah, Taliban.
- Taliban.
That's an old chestnut.
736
00:27:09,375 --> 00:27:10,625
Mom, I am begging you
737
00:27:10,708 --> 00:27:12,875
as the mother of
a mixed-race child--
738
00:27:12,958 --> 00:27:14,833
Stop it! Stop!
739
00:27:14,917 --> 00:27:17,875
My God! I have had it
740
00:27:17,958 --> 00:27:20,875
with this whimpering
and whining from you
741
00:27:20,958 --> 00:27:22,166
and your generation!
742
00:27:22,249 --> 00:27:24,124
It's time for you
to grow a pair
743
00:27:24,208 --> 00:27:26,208
and man the fuck up!
744
00:27:27,708 --> 00:27:29,333
Not bad.
745
00:27:31,041 --> 00:27:32,124
( music playing )
746
00:27:32,208 --> 00:27:33,833
Whether your ceiling
is made of glass
747
00:27:33,917 --> 00:27:36,375
or covered in
peeling lead paint,
748
00:27:36,458 --> 00:27:38,458
as a woman,
and a woman of color,
749
00:27:38,541 --> 00:27:42,333
I want to challenge our notions
of economic justice.
750
00:27:42,416 --> 00:27:44,708
Senator Talbot,
I met a farmer--
751
00:27:44,792 --> 00:27:47,500
Let me tell you something
about justice, Senator.
752
00:27:47,583 --> 00:27:49,667
When I was coming up
as a lawyer,
753
00:27:49,750 --> 00:27:53,541
I didn't have to remind everyone
I was a woman every ten seconds
754
00:27:53,625 --> 00:27:55,500
because they never
let me forget it.
755
00:27:55,583 --> 00:27:59,667
I smiled all through
the casual grabbing of my behind
756
00:27:59,750 --> 00:28:01,792
and all the secret meetings
on the golf course
757
00:28:01,875 --> 00:28:03,458
that I wasn't invited to.
758
00:28:03,541 --> 00:28:07,291
So how about giving a little
thanks to the women like me
759
00:28:07,375 --> 00:28:09,208
who built the ladder
760
00:28:09,291 --> 00:28:11,458
that you use to get up
onto your soapbox?
761
00:28:11,541 --> 00:28:14,333
How about for once in your life
you stop whining,
762
00:28:14,416 --> 00:28:17,041
you stop complaining,
and just man up?
763
00:28:17,124 --> 00:28:20,500
- Because I honestly-- I--
- ( applause )
764
00:28:20,583 --> 00:28:22,875
Yeah, that's right,
you heard me, man up.
765
00:28:22,958 --> 00:28:25,083
Ya know? Let's just say it
like it is.
766
00:28:25,166 --> 00:28:26,958
- That's it!
- ( applause )
767
00:28:27,041 --> 00:28:28,667
All right. All right.
If you'll just
768
00:28:28,750 --> 00:28:30,583
show our affection
for all of our candidates...
769
00:28:30,667 --> 00:28:32,708
Congratulations,
Catherine.
770
00:28:32,792 --> 00:28:35,333
( applause continues )
771
00:28:35,416 --> 00:28:38,124
Greg:
From Drake University,
this has been CNN's first
772
00:28:38,208 --> 00:28:39,792
Iowa presidential debate.
773
00:28:39,875 --> 00:28:42,667
I'm Greg Hart. Good night.
774
00:28:42,750 --> 00:28:44,667
- ( music playing )
- ( applause )
775
00:28:46,291 --> 00:28:48,291
Aw, I'm so proud of you.
776
00:28:48,375 --> 00:28:49,708
Thank you.
777
00:28:49,792 --> 00:28:51,041
Greg:
Madam President,
778
00:28:51,124 --> 00:28:53,999
- may I say whoooaaa!
- Thank you, Greg.
779
00:28:54,083 --> 00:28:55,917
President Meyer.
780
00:28:55,999 --> 00:28:56,917
- Hey!
- Wonderful job.
781
00:28:56,999 --> 00:28:57,999
You did it, ma'am.
782
00:28:58,083 --> 00:28:59,333
God bless America
783
00:28:59,416 --> 00:29:02,208
for hating woman
almost as much as I do.
784
00:29:02,291 --> 00:29:04,917
- Crowd:
Man up! Man up! Man up...
- Get out of my way.
785
00:29:04,999 --> 00:29:07,041
Amy:
She won?
786
00:29:07,124 --> 00:29:08,458
"Man up."
787
00:29:08,541 --> 00:29:10,333
- Huh.
- That's really good.
788
00:29:10,416 --> 00:29:12,083
Who came up with that?
789
00:29:12,166 --> 00:29:13,333
Catherine.
790
00:29:13,416 --> 00:29:14,625
How ya doin'?
791
00:29:14,708 --> 00:29:16,083
Feels like...
792
00:29:16,166 --> 00:29:19,958
someone shoved
a red-hot pair of barbecue tongs
793
00:29:20,041 --> 00:29:21,541
up my joy trail.
794
00:29:21,625 --> 00:29:22,875
Oh, before I forget.
795
00:29:22,958 --> 00:29:25,541
Frozen maxi-pads
soaked in comfrey extract.
796
00:29:25,625 --> 00:29:26,958
My own
personal recipe.
797
00:29:27,041 --> 00:29:28,958
That is so nice.
798
00:29:29,041 --> 00:29:30,375
And also...
799
00:29:30,458 --> 00:29:32,208
cold and disgusting.
800
00:29:32,291 --> 00:29:34,458
I'm gonna need that back
when you're done,
801
00:29:34,541 --> 00:29:36,541
'cause Leon will pay
big bucks for it.
802
00:29:36,625 --> 00:29:38,166
Ohh. Ugh.
803
00:29:39,416 --> 00:29:40,917
Dan, did I make a mistake?
804
00:29:40,999 --> 00:29:43,875
- What if I never get--
- ( phone chimes )
805
00:29:43,958 --> 00:29:46,750
( chiming, buzzing )
806
00:29:46,833 --> 00:29:49,833
- Yeah?
- Teddy: Ames-bo-bames.
It's Teddy Sykes.
807
00:29:49,917 --> 00:29:52,041
How would you like the chance
808
00:29:52,124 --> 00:29:53,750
to help lead a divisive,
809
00:29:53,833 --> 00:29:55,541
physically repugnant underdog
810
00:29:55,625 --> 00:29:56,958
to historic victory?
811
00:29:57,041 --> 00:29:59,208
You want me to join
Jonah's campaign?
812
00:29:59,291 --> 00:30:01,458
- Such as it is. Whaddya say?
- What?
813
00:30:01,541 --> 00:30:02,833
( whispers )
Ask for campaign manager.
814
00:30:02,917 --> 00:30:04,416
I would need to be
campaign manager.
815
00:30:04,500 --> 00:30:06,208
So you shall be.
I'm not gonna lie--
816
00:30:06,291 --> 00:30:07,667
it's gonna be really hard
817
00:30:07,750 --> 00:30:09,083
and no fun.
818
00:30:09,166 --> 00:30:10,708
We have got
a bit of a problem.
819
00:30:10,792 --> 00:30:11,999
You are in luck,
820
00:30:12,083 --> 00:30:14,083
because my schedule
just got scraped clean.
821
00:30:14,166 --> 00:30:16,124
- We will talk soon.
- Yes!
822
00:30:16,208 --> 00:30:18,708
Get up!
We have something
to celebrate.
823
00:30:18,792 --> 00:30:19,792
- Nice.
- Mm.
824
00:30:19,875 --> 00:30:21,249
Yeah. Five minutes.
825
00:30:21,333 --> 00:30:22,833
See? When you do
good things,
826
00:30:22,917 --> 00:30:24,667
good things happen
to good people.
827
00:30:24,750 --> 00:30:25,875
I'm such a good person.
828
00:30:30,541 --> 00:30:32,792
Ma'am, I was hoping I could have
some more responsibilities...
829
00:30:32,875 --> 00:30:33,583
-SELINA MEYER: Yes!
-Yes!
830
00:30:33,875 --> 00:30:35,917
Can you make me
a waxing appointment?
831
00:30:35,999 --> 00:30:38,083
-I'm feeling patriotic.
-Full bald eagle.
832
00:30:38,375 --> 00:30:40,625
I just found out
from my stupid stepfather--
833
00:30:40,875 --> 00:30:41,833
TEDDY SYKES: Father-in-law!
834
00:30:41,917 --> 00:30:43,958
From my stupid
stepfather-in-law,
835
00:30:44,041 --> 00:30:46,375
that math
was created by Muslims.
836
00:30:46,750 --> 00:30:49,083
How are we doing with
non-college educated whites?
837
00:30:49,166 --> 00:30:50,291
-Look at this.
-KENT DAVISON:
Underwater, ma'am.
838
00:30:50,541 --> 00:30:52,083
Then how about
college educated whites?
839
00:30:52,291 --> 00:30:55,999
In South Carolina, that is not
a significant slice of the pie.
840
00:30:56,083 --> 00:30:59,249
I would really love to be able
to count on your endorsement.
841
00:30:59,416 --> 00:31:01,750
You gonna make me say it?
We got race in the race.
61625
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