Original subtitles

- Hey, growl, will you, lion? - Come on. Make some noise, you knob.

- Yeah, we got to start the movie. - You need to keep growling.

I think he's bummed out.

- Stick a pin in his bum, eh? - No way.

- What are you on, Valium? - Maybe I ought to crank his tail?

- Great. - That'd start him up.

Start up. Come on, eh? Start up.

Maybe we ought to call Marlin Perkins, eh?

Get Wild Kingdom here, eh? Come on. He's getting mad.

- Yeah. - Oh, jeez. We better get going.

Okay, do the theme, eh?

- Good day. Oh, do our new movie theme, eh? - Yeah, okay.

Beauty, eh?

Okay. Good day. I'm Bob McKenzie. This is my brother Doug.

- How's it going, eh? - Welcome to our movie, eh? Okay.

- Our topic is movies. - Yeah.

Okay, first off, the difference between movies and TV, eh?

Okay. Go to TV.

This is the difference between TV and movies, eh?

- So? - Okay, go back to movies.

- Now that hoser's growling. - Yeah.

Take off, will you? We're doing our movie.

Don't wreck our show, you hoser.

- Okay, another topic. Zoom out, eh? - Yeah.

We'll show them how big the screen is, eh? Zoom out. Go.

- Look how huge it is, eh? - Okay.

Like, normally, we just have "Great White North," eh?

But look, we got-- What's that over there?

Okay, like, England and Ireland and France, eh?

He's a genius, eh? He knows the atlas. Okay, and over here we have--

- Uh, Russia and Hawaii. - Okay. All hosers in Russia and Hawaii...

- ...and England, welcome to our movie. - How's it going, comrades?

We made-- Zoom back in, eh?

Okay, so we made a movie, eh? So we're going to show that now.

- Yeah. - Okay.

Wait. First they got to-- You got to interview me, the director.

- I've got to put up the screen, too, eh? - Don't forget.

Okay, zoom in on me, the director. Come on.

I directed, too, eh?

Yeah, well, I have to give them my theory on movies, eh?

Okay. Here's my theory on movies. You want to know how to wreck a movie, eh?

Take a jar of moths into the theater, eh, and, like--

Sorry.

And then, like, release them at a point in the movie

when you know what happens, eh?

And all the moths will fly up to the projection booth window, cloud it up...

...and you can demand your money back.

- Okay, zoom out, eh? - Beauty idea.

This movie was shot in 3-B, three beers, and it looks good, eh?

- Get it? - Hoserama. Call it Hoserama.

Okay, so we made a movie.

So sit back, get some corn, and let's have-- It's movie time.

- Okay, turn it on. - Okay.

Give them enough time just to see, okay.

Okay, then, "10 years after World War Four."

- "2051." No. More. - What? No.

- 2051, the future. - They saw it already.

- Take off. - The next century.

I was the only one left on the planet after the holocaust, eh?

Hey, Hoser, go.

The Earth had been, like, devastated by nuclear war.

Like, Russia blew up the U.S., and the U.S. blew up Russia, eh?

- The Statue of Liberty. - Psst, act!

Lucky for me, I'd been off planet on vacation at the time of the war, eh?

There wasn't much to do. All the bowling alleys had been wrecked.

So I spent most of my time looking for beer.

One day, I was out looking for a nice place

to build a city for my children,

when I spotted a mutant in the forbidden zone.

I landed my vehicle to pursue and destroy this genetic freak

before he could warn other mutants in the underground caves.

I was kind of like a one-man force, eh? Like Charlton Heston in Omega Man.

Did you see it? It was a beauty.

Fleshy-headed mutant, are you friendly?

No way, eh?

Radiation has made me an enemy of civilization.

Alpha Base, this is Bob McKenzie.

I've spotted a fleshy-headed mutant in Sector 16B.

Ow! Take off, you hoser.

Dude, what happened? Film broke.

Got to fix it, eh? Sorry, film--

- Sorry. - I can't see, eh?

- Turn the lights on. - It was his fault. He wrecked it.

- It was not. We had a lot of popcorn, too. - Oh.

Okay, you cover, I'll fix the film, eh?

Oh, I'm getting whiplash from my burps, eh?

Okay.

Aw, nice going, you knob.

- Hey! What kind of movie is this? - Okay. Here's how to get--

Zoom in on me.

Zoom in on this. Okay, here's how to get free beer, eh?

Get a baby mouse,

and, like, put it in a bottle...

...and when it's so small, it'll fit in, like, this hole, eh?

And then--

Hey! They did this on their album. Rip-off.

- Will you shut up? - Ah, you shut up.

- Maybe with some spit-- - We won't be able to fix the film, eh?

Here's what happened in the film, eh? After I was chased-- Take off.

After I chased the van, eh, he took me back to his--

Don't tell them the film, eh? You're supposed to show it.

But we can't show it, eh, 'cause it's wrecked.

Just show it like this, eh? Just hold it up.

Zoom in on this, eh? Zoom in.

- Oh, jeez, that's a good idea, eh? - Yeah.

That's it. We're leaving, kids. Come on.

- Okay. - Hey, sit down.

- We're getting out of here. - No way.

- Oh, come on. - How come everybody's going, eh?

I don't know. It gets better, eh?

What a waste of money.

Where's the manager? Get me the manager.

I hope you're proud of yourselves.

- Take off, eh? - How come everybody's so ticked, eh?

I don't know, eh, but we may as well really wreck this movie now.

- Your moths? - Yeah.

Here we go, eh?

Oh, boy.

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You take the beer and--

A six-pack.

Oh, my God! Why don't you fry--

Well, then how about a couple of passes to a real movie?

Can you believe this?

- Let's get out of here, okay? - Yeah.

You hoser.

Not that way. We'll get killed. This way.

They've been saving their allowance for weeks to see this movie.

What am I supposed to tell them? What the heck am I supposed to tell them?

We're real sorry. Here's some money back, eh?

It's only $15. Take it. It's yours.

Take off. That's Dad's beer money, eh?

Hey, look! They're giving refunds in the alley.

Get 'em!

- Uh-oh. Watch out. Cops! - What?

- Cops! - This is the police.

I'll come back for you.

Good thing I'm still wearing that jock, eh?

- Wait up, eh? - You hurry, you hoser.

That's them. Get them!

- Who's driving? - You drive.

There's a lot of cops around.

Okay. Thanks.

- It's $20. - Beauty.

- Why are you going this way? - There's a shortcut.

Roadblock. Go that way.

- I told him to go the other way. - I'm sorry.

Let's move it.

We know. We're moving. My brother's drunk.

- I am not, eh? - Yeah, you are, too.

Come on. Let's go.

First come, first served.

Come on. Give me one.

- No way. - Give me one.

Take one, then that's it for you.

Give me the church key. Beauty.

Here. Come on.

Here, boy.

Save one of those beers for me, eh?

He's guarding the beer. What are we gonna do?

- Bribe him. - Give him a doughnut.

He likes jelly.

- Jelly doughnut coming. - Okay, Hosehead.

- You'll like this. - It's a jelly doughnut.

- Get it over there. - Okay. Beauty.

Quick, get a glass. Beauty.

What the hell's going on in there?

Just getting your beer.

- You take it to him. - No way.

- You take it to him. - No, you.

No.

- You take it. - I'm letting go.

I'm letting go of the beer.

- You're taking it. - No.

- I'm letting go. - I'm letting go.

- Let it go. - Okay, fine.

Now what?

- Dad, Bob broke your beer. - No, I didn't. Doug broke it.

- It was you. - Clean up the mess, boys.

I want you hosers to get me a fresh case of beer

first thing in the morning.

We're going to need some money.

Use the money I gave you today, you idiot.

Way to go. You gave away the money.

What's going to happen if this plan don't work, eh?

The old man'll boot us out, and we'll have no place to sleep.

I could live in the van, eh? I don't need a place to sleep.

You need money to live or you'll starve.

This plan sucks. I ain't going in.

You are, too, or I'll tell the old man you gave away his money.

Okay. You boss me around.

- 'Morning, George. - How are you, Paddy?

Give me 12 fresh Yukon Gold, please.

$7.90, please.

That horse ran like a bum yesterday. See you tomorrow.

Okay, take it easy.

Well?

- Elsinore. - Twelve.

- Twenty-four. - Oh, yeah. Sorry.

Twenty-four Elsinore beers.

- Twenty-four. - Yeah.

$14.70.

I believe there'll be no charge on this two-four of beer, thank you.

- Excuse me? - Okay.

We found this mouse in a bottle of Elsinore beer...

...that we bought at your beer store, eh?

And we heard, like, when that happens that you get your beer free.

It's in the Canadian Criminal Code, eh?

Like there's legal precedent set in cases in law.

- So, like, give us our free beer. - You want free beer? Go to the brewery.

Now get out of here before I put the two of you in a bottle.

Are you sure you don't want to think this over?

- I'm sure. - Okay.

- We're going. - Yeah.

See you.

Jeez, there's a lot of arrows, eh? "Elsinore Castle. Elsinore Brewery.

"Royal Canadian Institute for the Mentally Insane."

- Hey, that's the loony bin, eh? - Yeah, it sure looks spooky up there.

I don't like it at all.

Where should we go? Loony bin or brewery?

I'm taking you to the loony bin.

I'm going to the brewery.

- No way. Go to the brewery. - All right.

Then I'm taking you to the loony bin.

Holy jeez! Look at that.

Help!

Holy jeez!

Jeez! What should we do, eh?

- Get me out of here. - Hold it, hold it.

Her tires are insulators.

Don't get out of the car or you'll get electrocuted.

- He hooked up our stereo, eh? - I can't get out. The doors are stuck.

- You know what we got to do, eh? - What?

- Ram her from behind. Come on. - What?

- Who's driving? - You are.

In case she sues for whiplash,

I don't know you. I'm just a hitchhiker, eh?

- You won't sue for whiplash? - Hurry.

- Hey, thanks a lot. - Okay.

- See her looking at me? - She thought you were some kind of freak.

- Let's go. - Take off. She likes me, eh?

No way.

What happened?

There's a power surge at the main gate.

We lost picture, but we have it back.

Is she here?

Yes. She's not alone. She's got two guys with her.

Lawyers.

I knew this would happen. Don't let them in.

They're already in.

Damn distortion. What is it? That's twice.

- Where is he? - Oh, he's back in the thing.

- Yes? - She's here.

- What are you doing here? - Well, I--

Ted just said she had lawyers with her. I thought we should discuss it.

I did not say they were lawyers. You said they were lawyers.

They don't look like lawyers to me.

- You have the check? - Yes, it's right here.

- Did her mother sign it? - Yes, she did.

- And you know what to do? - Yes, yes, I know.

- It's real big, eh? - Yeah.

Now don't get scared.

Just think of all the free beers we're going to get. Come on.

- Good morning. May I help you? - Yeah.

We have an appointment with that guy there, eh?

Oh, I'm sorry. Mr. Elsinore passed away recently.

- Let's go. - No, wait.

Yes, well,

we made the appointment with the deceased quite some time ago, eh?

We were away on business.

- How long ago was it? - When did he die?

- I beg your pardon? - Wait.

Okay. You know his replacement, eh, like, the new boss?

We made the appointment with him, eh? What's his name again?

I'm afraid that's private company business.

I see. Well,

perhaps one of these would refresh your memory, eh?

Well, the day after he died

his brother Claude married his wife and took over the entire brewery.

But there is a daughter.

- Go, eh? - It's my last one.

Go.

It's a jelly.

She just turned 21 and legally inherits the whole brewery.

So she's the new boss?

However, today I've asked Pamela to drop by so that we could present her

with this honorarium and the temporary share transfer agreement.

In other words, you're buying her out.

Nobody's buying anybody out, Henry.

This is a temporary arrangement, to relieve her of the burden of ownership

so she can continue with her studies.

Do you want to be relieved of the burden of ownership?

Well, I don't know.

$5 million is an awful lot of money.

My mother might have accepted your proposals, but I don't.

Forget it, Uncle. I'm taking over the company.

There's a legal question to consider here. Excuse me.

Essentially, this is a vote of trust.

- Come on. We're lost. - Shh.

- We're lost. - It's a big brewery.

- Keep quiet. - Give me my hat.

You're not going to get it back.

Keep quiet.

Who are you?

Yes, we have an appointment with the president, the new president,

not the one who died, eh, of the brewery.

Mr. Claude Elsinore. Perhaps you've heard of him?

Come on. I'll show you.

Do you know who that is?

- Who? - It's Jean LaRose.

Montreal Canadien Rookie of the Year two years ago.

- He doesn't play hockey no more. - He's a cop.

He knows you're lying about the mouse.

He'll arrest you. I'll be a witness.

I got that guy's hockey card at home. I'll show it to you.

Looks like LaRose picked up those two hicks.

But you don't know how to run a brewery. Who'll handle the day-to-day operations?

Henry ran it for my father. He can run it for me.

I'll help all I can. Excuse me.

I just don't want to step on Smith's toes.

Who?

What? We're having a meeting.

These gentlemen here say they have a meeting with you, eh?

When? What meeting?

- Hey, whiplash. How's it going? - Just fine, thanks.

- What's the reason for this? - Are you Claude Elsinore?

Yes.

Well, we found this mouse in a bottle of your beer, eh?

We were at a party, and a friend of ours, a cop, had some and he puked.

And he said, come here and get free beer or he'll press charges.

Henry, could this have happened?

Well, not so long ago when there were men on the bottling lines,

this sort of thing didn't happen.

So let's get some men on the bottling line.

Welcome to 1984, the age of automation and unemployment.

The rise of the machine and the fall of man.

The end of the human era.

You don't know what I'm talking about.

What? We can't hear you. We got these things in our ears, eh?

Big Brother is watching you.

Here, put these on. Safety requirements.

Your job is to watch the bottles on this line.

Watch them for mice.

- What's my job? - Help him.

- You got an opener? - Yeah. I stole this.

- It's open. - Two at a time.

- Beauty. - Cheers.

- To our new jobs. - Yeah, beauty.

Let me see what you've got.

Okay.

Good. Now, bring the lunatics from the institute.

I want to see how the drug in the beer is affecting them.

They're responding to the sounds. Watch this.

Okay, basically it's the same system with a new addition.

Specific tones...

...are still linked to motivation, but now we've added color distinction.

So, object A will attack object B, or black will attack white, or vice versa.

I'll try the whole thing out tomorrow.

- Same concentration of formula? - Mmm-hmm.

That means we are right on schedule.

Just one more test, and then we are ready for the world.

Light them up.

Thank you.

You know, Pamela, I don't want you to think that your mother and I

don't understand how you feel about losing your father.

If it had been me who died, you'd be over it by now.

It's easy to wallow in self-pity. The hard thing is to go on living.

We'll always have our memories.

The Colonel's dead. Here we are still enjoying his chicken.

Don't you think it's a little unusual to get married so soon after the funeral?

More bean medley, dear?

Where did you boys get all this beer?

You stole it, didn't you?

- I'm calling the police. - No way. We got jobs.

This was free beer, Dad. There's more outside.

- How much more? - Oh, about 10 or 12 cases.

We got jobs at Elsinore Brewery. We work there now, eh?

Do you hear that, honey? They got jobs.

They got free beer.

We're in his good books now, eh?

Yeah, well, let's not blow it

by sleeping in and being late for our first day at work, eh?

- Why don't we stay up all night? - Beauty idea.

Honey, phone the neighbors.

Never mind. I'll do it myself.

Hey, George, the boys got jobs.

- Are you crazy? - Shut up.

- What's going on out there? - Damn it, McKenzie, shut up.

Good morning, Elsinore Brewery.

I'm sorry, he doesn't work here anymore. Thank you.

They were here when I got here.

- Guys. - Shut up, Ma.

Oh, jeez.

Good day. We got here too early, eh? We were just waiting.

Where's Henry Green? Weren't you supposed to meet him here?

Jeez, I just got up, eh? I don't know.

Okay. Come along now. You can't leave this mess here,

so I'll show you the way to the cafeteria

and then we'll try and find Henry Green, okay?

- Get up. Jeez, you hoser. - Take off.

Well, if there's no staff, there's no reason to have a cafeteria.

Jeez, I told you we brought too many doughnuts, eh? This is spooky in here.

- It's like a ghost town, isn't it? - Yeah.

- You hoser. - Take off.

Look out, eh?

And the lights don't work.

Hey, check this out. There's sandwiches and smokes in these machines, eh?

Here's an old Galactic Border Patrol game.

Jeez, you got Joe Louis, and, jeez, is that tuna or what?

Plugs don't work.

Hey, give me some quarters. I'm gonna have chocolate milk.

- Forget it, hoser, the power's turned off. - Come on, guys, let's go.

There's a door here. It's locked.

Do you have a credit card?

- Yeah, but I-- - She's got a credit card.

- Give it to me. I need it. - He needs the credit card, eh?

- Okay, here. - Okay, coming, credit card.

- Jeez, travel, eh? Here you go. - Beauty.

He once got our dead battery going by mixing birds' feces

and spit, 'cause there's acid in it, eh?

So, do you travel quite a bit?

Beauty.

Bingo. Lunch break.

Holy jeez. Jackpot.

How did you do that?

Oh, I know some stuff about electricity, eh?

Hey, here's a chocolate.

Cheers.

Hoser, this is four months old.

What is it?

The power's on in the old cafeteria.

- Our nosey little friends? - It must be them.

I think it's time the little lady and I had a chat.

Sorry I ralphed, Pam.

You shouldn't have had that chocolate milk.

I know. Sorry about your sweater. You can take it out of my pay if you want.

- That's okay. - Jeez, you're real nice.

If I didn't have puke breath, I'd kiss you.

Hey, Pam.

- Your name's on this machine. - What?

You got to level six, I only got to level five. Beauty playing.

- I never played that game before. - Well, your name's right here.

- Not a bad score either. 21-10-59.

- That's right. - That's my birth date. October 21, 1959.

My name is gone.

- Who's John Elsinore? - My father.

Fresh as a daisy. Hey, can I play?

Sure, go ahead. Ow! This thing's hot.

Jeez, you better check this thing. Look, the plug's glowing.

- Miss Elsinore? - Hey, Rosie.

- Mr. Smith is waiting for you. - Where is he?

In the brewery room. I can show you the way.

No, thanks. It's okay. I can find my way myself.

- Okay, see you guys later. - Hey, thanks for the jobs, eh?

Yeah, we'll work real hard.

Hey, Rosie, will you sign a hockey card? I brought it from home.

- Where'd you get that? - I collect them.

But I already had the gum, eh? Sign it, "To Bob McKenzie, my good pal."

Put "Rosie the Rose." I know you like being called Rosie, eh?

- How did Pam's dad die? - He was electrocuted.

Take off. He's signing my card.

Hey, that was a great hat trick you got against Czechoslovakia, eh?

Sorry about that nervous breakdown you had.

I guess it kind of screwed up your career.

You had a nervous breakdown, eh? Me, too, when he was born.

- Take off, you hoser. - You take off, you knob.

Okay.

Good morning, Miss Elsinore. I'm Brewmeister Smith.

My condolences to you on the loss of your father.

I appreciate your sympathy,

but I came here to talk about my plans for the brewery.

It's really your brewery now, isn't it?

Oh, well, I'm very flattered that you think I'm that important.

But of course it's not true. I'm just an employee.

Really?

Well, who employed you to install surveillance cameras?

You see, the brewery business has become very competitive these days.

So security is extremely important.

What made this brewery great is that my father ran it as a family business.

I'm afraid you have two weeks notice, Mr. Smith.

You must be out of your mind, young lady.

It takes experience to run a brewery. You have none.

I don't plan on doing it alone.

Henry, I want to talk to you.

All right, let's not get excited.

I'm the president of the company. I'll just hire you back. She has no--

She has the right. She has 51 percent. That's all the right she needs.

You're right. Well, what are we going to do?

I have a plan.

Oh, no. No, I want no rough stuff.

Remember, that was our deal. I--

I mean, we had a deal.

- I don't have the stomach for it. - You stinking hypocrite.

You murdered your own brother. You had the stomach for that.

The second time. You murdered him first.

He was already dead when I killed him.

I can't go through with that again. There'll be police, questions.

- I'll crack. I know I will. - Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!

We are not going to kill anybody.

Excuse me, we're ready for the exercises.

Good.

You're going to conduct those experiments with her walking through the brewery?

Suppose she sees something?

- Where are the fools with the mouse? - They're with Henry Green.

Put them in the game. Take it to level five.

- Level five? - Level five.

Do it.

Take this. We've got work to do.

I have to go along with this.

But don't worry, you won't get hurt. Your equipment should protect you.

Being on the same team as you is all the padding I need, Rosie.

- Are you okay? - You okay, hoser?

I am your father, Luke.

Give in to the dark side of the Force, you knob.

He saw Jedi 17 times, eh? Beauty.

Better go to your goals.

Have a good game, eh?

Where's the puck?

Oh!

The power of the Force stopped you, you hosers.

Cover your shorts. Don't get deep.

Stick on the ice.

That was no goal, you know. They were in the crease.

Come back and fight, you hosers. Come on, eh?

Get off.

My left nut.

Careful.

It's all right. It did that before.

Now, I think he just pressed one of these buttons here.

- What are you doing? - It'll just take a moment.

There. You see that? You see that number? April 4.

That's the day he died.

Wait, look.

That's the tape they showed at the inquest.

Look.

They killed him.

It looks that way.

Yeah, well, yours are sucky white skates like a figure skater, eh?

Well, yours are like referee skates.

At least figure skaters know how to skate, eh?

Hey.

Somebody horked our clothes.

Jeez, who'd want to hork our clothes, eh?

Maybe a couple of these guys got sick and tired of wearing their pajamas, eh?

- No, they're all on the ice. - We'd better report this to our boss.

No. Hey, let's go see if there's a lost and found, eh?

- No, let's report it to our boss. - No, lost and found's a better idea.

Oh, wow.

- Have you ever been in here before? - Yeah.

But I've never seen this stuff before.

You certainly don't need any of this kind of hardware to make beer.

You aren't going to find the lost and found here.

- I told you that was a mistake. - I'm skating there, you know.

It's faster.

Ow!

Jeez, those things hurt.

- Who's that? - Smith's assistant.

Look at this. Every camera on the place is tied into this console.

- That's us. - Yeah.

They don't even trust themselves.

It's the guys.

- Are you sure we didn't kill them? - Just shut up. I have this all worked out.

Ted.

You stupid idiot. Now he'll be asleep for two hours.

- Beer shower. - Don't waste it.

Here.

- You asked for it. - Take off. You hoser.

I told you.

We take them to the loading dock and put them in beer kegs.

Hurry.

Oh, jeez, look at this place.

- Jeez, what is this, eh? - It's a nuclear bomb shelter. Come on.

Let's get bombed.

There's probably beer here somewhere.

Holy jeez! There's a guy over there.

There's the game we were in. Hey, what's with this guy, eh?

Hey, you.

- You killed him. He's dead. - I just--

- I'm a witness. Police! - I didn't do nothing.

- My brother's a murderer. - Take off.

He's not dead. Look, his stomach's moving.

Maybe he's just sleeping, eh?

Maybe he's gonna puke. He had too many beers.

- Where are the beers? - I'll find them.

Jeez, here's the organ they were using, eh?

Hey.

Hey, look. Bootlegs.

No wonder everything's secret here.

They're cutting pirates.

Hey, this piano's got a computer, eh?

I don't know how to work it, eh?

Figures you wouldn't know if it's got a computer.

- Oh, yeah, Mr. Wizard. You know it. - Let me try. I'm a genius.

Okay, watch this.

These hosers are skating around in a circle.

Hey, beauty.

- That song's making them fight, eh? - Yeah. Do it again.

Delvecchio's hurt Gretzky. They're in the dressing room,

finding out what's to be done.

Pulford and Holman have been fighting terribly.

Frank Mahovlich's one of the strongest guys in the league.

He made out okay. What a fight.

Oh, now somebody's thrown an octopus on the ice

and Litzenberger and Salming are--

How are the brakes?

They got two stops, then no brakes.

Good work.

Listen, about that shooting business.

- I'm sorry about that. I didn't mean it. - Yeah, okay. Right.

- You boys have a nice nap? Well-- - How's it going?

You're doing a great job for me here, but I have a special assignment for you.

My daughter, you know, Pamela,

she's having her birthday, and I want to deliver a couple of kegs.

Very special kegs, for the party.

Jeez, these got beer in them, these big kegs?

Beer? Oh, yes, beer for the party. Now, look.

Here's a map, and you must follow this route precisely

because otherwise you'll get lost, and she'll be disappointed.

- Where are you guys going, eh? - What? Get out of here.

Hey, Rosie. We're going to Pam's birthday. You coming?

It's a business trip. They're going on a business trip.

So we just go down to Lakeside Park here, eh?

Yes. It's right at the bottom of the hill. You can't miss it.

It's right at the bottom of the big hill.

You'd better get started or you'll be late.

- Okay, eh? - I'll go with you, eh?

No, you open the door.

- Open the door. - We're going to get loaded.

Open the door. Come ahead, boys.

Hurry.

Oh, look, everything's under control. Don't worry, I took care of it.

- So I heard. - Yes.

Do you mind? You're a little crowded here.

Just let me out, please.

Send those lunatics back to the institute.

We have to follow the van.

- Back to the institute! - Do as I say. Hurry.

We have to follow the van. Go back.

Follow the van?

Oh, just to make sure. That's a great idea.

Get in.

I'll drive.

- Did you feed Hosehead this morning? - No. I forgot. He was sleeping, eh?

- Well, make up your mind, eh? - Yeah, he was sleeping.

Well, maybe we ought to go home and feed him, eh?

- In case the party goes all night? - We got two kegs.

What are you doing?

Just testing the brakes, eh? They felt a little soft.

- Where are they going? - I don't understand it.

I gave them a map. It was all very clear.

Follow them.

Don't be a hog. We just have time for one quick one.

Okay.

- Last one in the house is a big idiot. - Take off.

I win, eh?

Nice going.

Oh, jeez.

Take a look at this. Dad really got into the beers, eh?

Where are they?

Mom? Dad?

- Let's see if they're in their room. - Don't push.

Come on. Mom! Dad!

- Take off, eh? - Get out.

Sorry.

I didn't know they were in there.

Can you believe it?

Get his bowl quick, or he'll kill us.

Yeah, he's got a funny look in his eye, eh?

What the stink are they doing in there?

Would you like me to tilt your chair back?

Shut up.

Twenty cans ought to be enough, eh?

We're going to a party. Don't eat the furniture.

- I got to get some new underwear. - Jeez, bootlegs.

Remember where we got this?

It was where they were running off them pirates, eh?

Was that a dream?

It was no dream. It was in your underwear.

- Okay, let's see. - What are you going to do?

It's one of them new square records, eh, that goes, like, on a--

On a record player that's, like, on its side, eh?

No way. That's an EP from some British New Wave band.

Take off. You don't know.

Yeah, they bootleg those, eh?

What do you think?

- Sounds like a British New Wave band. - Yeah. Beauty sound.

- Beauty. - Not my style of music, eh?

Hey, Hosehead. Here's another one for your collection, eh?

Beauty. Hank Aaron. Wonder if he can hit.

There they are.

- Hey, who's driving? - I am because you're too loaded to drive.

Take off. I am not. Just getting warmed up for the party, eh?

You can't drink and drive at the same time, hoser.

It's nice to get away from the brewery once in a while.

Take a little drive, you know?

Hey, did you ever notice that in movies

when they're driving, they don't look at the road for a long time?

- Jeez, no, I'd never noticed that. - Yeah.

That's because they're being towed, eh?

- Really? - By a rig.

- We have them now. - Just like I told you.

What's going on? Will you stop this thing?

The brakes aren't working.

- Try the parking brake, eh? - Take off. The parking brake never worked.

These cops are going to arrest us.

- No point in steering now. - Take off. You steer this thing.

The wharf. The end of the wharf.

Help!

You'd better call an ambulance.

- All right now. Come on. - Careful now.

- Easy. - Come on, get the rope off her.

They're down at the end of the wharf, sir.

All right. You better follow us there.

Hey, you guys, follow him.

I'll call an ambulance.

- Put her down right over here. - Let me get a blanket.

- We got a cover. - She's all right.

Back off. Let's have a look here.

You all right?

- Okay, she's fainted. Call an ambulance. - It's on its way, sir.

Down there ten minutes? Nobody can last that long.

Not Houdini, not nobody.

- Hey, hoser. - What?

Okay, that's it. That's enough.

Those big cons are going to love you, eh?

- What do you mean? - You're a cute little guy.

They're going to be loving you from dawn until dusk.

Turn!

- Where are you going to be? - I'll be in the cafeteria selling smokes.

All right, single file. Down here. Step it up. Move it.

- They're going to kill us all. - Hands in your pockets.

Back against the wall.

Feet together. Come on, straighten up. Look straight ahead.

- Straighten up, I said. - Okay, eh?

That's it. Okay.

Try to pick out the men who kidnapped you.

- That's her. - Hey, how you doing?

- Come on. Get back there. - That's her. She was--

- Quiet. - Okay.

- He can't get any further back-- - Shut up.

- What did the doctor say? - Catatonic schizophrenia.

What?

Schizophrenia marked by an excessive and sometimes violent motor activity

or by generalized inhibition.

Sounds like you just picked that out of the dictionary.

No, that's exactly what the doctor told us.

I have a photographic memory, you know?

- Really? - Oh, yes, I never forget a thing.

Well, that might be useful in my investigation of this case.

Well, feel free to call upon me at any time.

My compliments on the many fine things you have in your home.

- Well, thank you. - Mmm-hmm.

- Bonaparte. - Uh, Napoleon, actually.

Yeah.

- What would a thing like that cost? - Oh, $4,000 or $5,000. I don't remember.

Who chiseled this?

It was some sculptor, I think. I'm terrible on names.

I thought you said you have a photographic memory.

Oh, well, normally I would, but--

- Darling? - Ah, my wife.

- You didn't tell me we had company. - I think you know the Inspector, dear.

- Hello. - My wife.

- How is she? - She's about the same, I'm afraid.

I don't know what's wrong with her. She hasn't said a word since the accident.

- I hope it's not something that I've done. - No, of course not.

Well, the Inspector has to leave.

Oh, wouldn't you like a drink or something?

No, he wouldn't, he'd love to,

- but he has to run. - Oh.

- Good night. - Thank you, Inspector.

I hope she'll be able to testify tomorrow morning.

Who? Oh, yes, we hope so.

- Good night. - 'Bye.

Chimp here does the killing. I don't like to kill.

I'm the brains, eh?

We got over $5 billion in our hideout.

Only some of the money's marked, eh, so we're not spending it.

We're just waiting.

- You guys like a smoke? - No, eh?

We want our lungs to be pink when they fry us.

We told them we didn't want a lawyer.

Chimp here would probably just kill him anyway.

Lawyers are for sucks.

McKenzie brothers. Your lawyer's here.

- You can talk in here. - Okay.

- Hi, I'm Jack Hawkland, your lawyer. - How's it going, eh?

How's it going, Mr. Hawkland? I remember you from the office, eh?

You're very observant. I'll make this as simple as possible.

The two of you have been charged with kidnapping

under Section 2471 of the Criminal Code.

The offense of kidnapping is comprised of two elements.

Both of which must be satisfied before a conviction may lie.

The first element, actus reus, which was satisfied on October 10, 1983,

when you, Robert and Douglas McKenzie, did kidnap one Pamela Elsinore.

- Wait a sec. We didn't do it. - Yeah, that's right. We's innocent, eh?

If you're innocent then you have nothing to fear.

- Beauty. - We'll get off, eh?

Exhibit A. It's an open-and-shut case.

- Shall I time-code it? - Yes.

Now what about that missing disc?

- How did he get the code? - Random chance.

That's impossible.

Play it back.

Give me magnification on the code pad.

That's not our code. Get me the John Elsinore disc.

Look at this.

What the hell was that?

There's no scientific explanation for it.

It's pointless to worry.

Let me see.

There's 11, 12, 13.

They knew exactly what they were doing.

They took the one disc that would incriminate me.

What are we going to do now?

We will move towards Oktoberfest as planned,

and I will not underestimate our little friends again.

Do you want me to light it up?

No.

- Hey, there's Hawkland. - It's the press. I'll handle them.

Mr. Hawkland, can we just get one quick shot of you?

Mr. Hawkland.

Mr. Hawkland, what--

That's how you handle the press. Come on.

- We're late. Let's go. - Remind me to pay his bill on time, eh?

- Yeah, Chuck Norris for the defense, eh? - Beauties.

Your Worship, I wish to plead my clients guilty to statutes

125 and 233 of the Criminal Code

and not guilty to all other charges due to mental incompetence.

Objection. You cannot split pleas like that.

Two bowls of split plea soup to go, eh?

- Is your nose bleeding? - Yeah.

Your Honor? Mr. Judge?

My brother's got a bleeding--

My brother's got a bleeding nose. We need some Kleenex.

- Clerk, please. - Clerk is gonna give you some Kleenex.

And this, sir, is the same tape that your engineer retrieved

from the television cameras that monitor the activity in your brewery?

Oh, yes. And I'd like to point out

that this tape has not been tampered with or edited in any way.

It even has a time-code on it, and those are very difficult to fake.

For the benefit of the court, would you please explain "time-code"?

Just because I don't know what it is, doesn't mean I'm lying.

- It usually stops bleeding by now, eh? - This isn't working.

Give me something quick. A couple of bullets.

Maybe we should call the Red Cross or something.

- Here. Try these. - Good idea. Beauty, clerk.

Beauty.

May I remind you two idiots that this is a court of law?

He's the one with the bleeding nose. I didn't do nothing.

Proceed, Counselor.

Would you state your name and occupation, please?

Doctor B.M. Smith, Resident Head of Psychiatry

at the Royal Canadian Institute for the Mentally Insane.

Now, Dr. Smith, we know you are familiar with this case.

The victim, Pamela Elsinore, is currently in your care at the RCIMI.

That is correct.

Dr. Smith, would you say that you are sufficiently familiar

with the defendants to give us a preliminary diagnosis?

I am. I would say, without a doubt, that they suffer from paranoid schizophrenia.

Would you kindly explain to the court what that means?

That is schizophrenia marked by excessive and sometimes violent motor activity

or by generalized inhibition.

- I do. - I do.

I guess we're married, clerk.

- Where's the honeymoon? - Order. Order.

Give me a toasted back bacon, hold the toast.

Don't make me laugh, eh?

I must instruct you not to speak unless you are spoken to.

He's starting to sound like the old man. Pretty soon he'll send me out for beers.

All right!

Order! Order!

Until the victim is mentally fit for trial,

I want these two lunatics

confined under the psychiatric care

of Dr. Smith

at the Royal Canadian Institute for the Mentally Insane.

This hearing is adjourned.

- Take off. - If you put--

- It's my side. Don't go over that line. - What line? Where?

- There is a line. - If you put your mouth--

Take off. I'm going to do the steamroller.

Take off! No way!

- Steamroller. I'm steamrolling you. - Take off.

Steamroller!

Hi, fellows. My name's Ted, and I'm happy to be working with you.

Somebody help us, please!

I'll reconnect this.

Forget it. Dr. Smith is doing the lobotomy in the morning.

Doctor, thank God you're here!

We lost him.

What did you give him?

This is just the thing, a hypodermic needle.

Excuse me.

Help! Stop that man! Stop him!

- $6.50. - Here. This ought to be worth $6.50.

No, I don't want it! $6.50! Hey!

I got your license number. You rich bum! $6.50.

Hey, you! $6.50!

Hey, you! Let me see your ticket! $6.50!

All I've got is two fives.

- Who was in this bed? - Jean LaRose.

Jean LaRose, the hockey player?

- I don't know. Yes, I guess so. - Is this the available bed?

No, I don't know where he is. This is the one. He's dead.

- Well, get him out of that bed. - That's not my job, I'm sorry.

Not your job? Do you want him to mummify?

You're asking me to do all sorts of crazy things.

Get the man out of the bed!

It isn't my business anymore. I won't listen to you--

What have you done with the disc?

What are you looking at me for? I don't got it.

Maybe it's out of gas, eh?

- You farted! - No, it wasn't me. It was the chair, eh?

- He's lying! Check the machine. - No. I'm not lying.

He's lying, all right.

I don't need no machine to tell me that, eh?

- I didn't do it, I swear. - Don't slice cheese in here, will you?

Take off!

- All right, come on. Down the hall. - All right, don't be a bully, eh?

There's those guys who horked our clothes.

How come you're not playing hockey, eh?

- Okay, I know my rights. - Hey, who's in this room?

- Get away! - Pam's in there.

- Get away from there! - Pam is in there. Ow!

All right, don't touch anything. I'll be right back.

What was that?

Let's get out of here.

- How's that? - Beauty. Take it up to 30 this time.

No way! My turn! I want to--

Okay, eh?

- I'll just disconnect these. - Hello? No, he went out, eh?

Like he went to get a pizza.

Who is this?

Jeez. The guy hung up. Okay!

Put this in your mouth so you don't bite your tongue off.

- Beauty. - Hey, let's try the head this time.

Beauty. Okay.

If you'd stick to your 12-point maintenance program, eh,

then we wouldn't have to jump-start you like this.

But, oh, no, you had to do it your way. You think you know everything, eh?

Okay. There we go. I'm going to take it up to 90 this time.

Hey, get away from there! Don't touch those things!

No, no! You're always touching things!

- Take off, eh? - He's party-pooping.

Hey, some guy called for you while you was out, eh?

- A call for me? - Yeah.

- Okay, do it now. - No, no! He'll get mad.

- Oh, come on. What about my turn? - We're going to do this instead.

- How's it going, eh? - Shh!

- It's going pretty good. - Shh!

- He doesn't like him much. - Where's Pam? I got to find Pam.

Jeez, I saw her down the hall before, but she was dozing off, eh?

Come on!

Come on!

Oh, jeez, but we have to come back for my turn, eh?

One guy just drove away with the car from here and he gave me this.

Maybe he's a doctor. And one guy stole the car from over there.

My coat, too.

- Okay, let's take a look, sir. - He was not wearing any clothes.

He was wearing pajamas. He stole my coat and hit me.

Hey!

Pursue him!

- But I saw you drown. - They saved my life.

You saved my life.

What are you doing in here?

Oh, uh, we're from the Department of Justice, and we're adjusting the beds.

This is Mr. Roy, our consultant.

- Two minutes for elbowing. - Let's get out of here!

- What's going on? - I don't know.

Where are all these hosers going, eh?

- There's a tunnel to the brewery. - Let's go!

- Jeez, I ain't playing hockey again. - Tunnel to the brewery. Take off!

How convenient!

What is it you want?

What's going on? Didn't we pay our electric bill?

The circuits are fusing.

The computers, the surveillance system, everything seems to be overloading.

- And I think Ted is dead. - Ted?

- Yes. - Oh, my God! Look.

It's him! It's my brother! Oh, no, John! He wants revenge!

I know it! He's going to kill us! I didn't do it! It wasn't me!

It wasn't me! I didn't do it! Turn this thing off!

I should never have listened to you!

Shut up!

I could crush your head like a nut.

But I won't

because I need you!

Now, go to the loading dock.

Make sure the trucks leave for Oktoberfest as planned.

Do as I say.

They put some stuff in the beer. And they make us drink it every day.

My father must have found out about that.

That's why they killed him.

- Come on! This way! - How long is this tunnel, eh?

I'm having a heart attack.

Wait! I want to go to the cafeteria.

You go with her. You come with me.

Be careful.

- Don't worry, I will. - Come on!

See you, eh?

Yeah.

Good day, eh?

Jeez, I'm sure glad we got rid of them. They were really starting to bug me, eh?

- Come on, let's go. - Yeah, okay.

You mean you've never been apart?

No, never. We always stick together.

Stay where you are, or I'll kill you.

- Where's the other one? - He's dead, Smith. You killed him.

Oh, good.

There's one less to worry about then. Now come this way.

Now hurry up!

Hurry up! Come on, let's go! I saw that!

- This the one stolen from the hospital? - That's it.

- Japanese, eh? - Yes, sir.

Guess the whole world's made in Japan.

Could be, sir.

How ironic! You came here with a mouse in a bottle.

Now you are the mouse.

- As for you, my dear-- - Don't worry about me, Smith.

I wrote everything I know in a letter and mailed it to the newspapers.

When did you do that?

Very good, my dear. Cunning, right to the end.

But, unfortunately, we find the mail system unreliable here

so we use private couriers.

Nice try.

It's really too bad you won't be around to see the whole world

become addicted to Elsinore beer.

In a few hours I will introduce my special formula

to the public at Oktoberfest.

When they drink enough they'll do whatever I tell them.

You know, people can tell what's in beer, eh?

My brother can tell the difference between beers by what his burps taste like.

Your brother is dead.

But he's not really dead. I just told him that when you fainted.

Can I buy you a beer?

Let's run it all again.

- It's a lot to remember. - You know what to do?

- I think so. - Okay. See you later.

Okay. See you.

My brother and I used to say that drowning in beer was like heaven, eh?

Now he's not here, and I got two soakers.

- This isn't heaven. This sucks. - Don't talk.

Try and use as little oxygen as possible, and maybe when the level rises,

we can get up to that porthole.

I think it's getting warmer in here.

I didn't notice anything.

No, fellows. No exercises today.

No, fellows. Forget about it.

No, look, can we talk this over, fellows?

No, wait, fellows!

Let me alone! Wait! You can't do this to me!

I'm in charge here!

Come on, Doug! They're in the vat room. Let's go!

Stand back. This is really going to blow.

Didn't blow. Anybody home?

I can't believe it. He drank it all! Help me out.

You've got to help him. You've got to get him out of there.

Thanks.

Oh, no! Geez, I have to take a leak so bad I can taste it.

What are you doing walking around? I thought you were sick.

There's a guy back there trapped in a vat.

- Somebody tried to kill him. - You stay here. Come on.

Out of the way. Come on.

- Cops! - Clear out, clear out.

Holy shit!

- How did he get in there? - I didn't do it!

How do we get him out?

Let's try to cut him out with a blow torch.

You couldn't cut that with a torch.

I don't know. We need an explosives expert.

No, don't blow him up! He's my brother. Please don't hurt him!

Get out of the way! Get out of the way!

He's going to take a leak. Get out of the way!

Hey, get me out of here, will you? I got a wiz to throw!

Boy, that was some belch!

We thought you were going to take a leak.

What do you mean? Just get me out of here, eh?

- Come on, eh, you hoser. - I'll get you out.

I would have saved you some, but I had to save everyone's life, eh.

Yeah, well. Gee, I don't know how to do this.

Oh! Not there.

- Okay, how about here? - Ooh, that feels good.

I think I'd better go.

- What the hell was that? - It wasn't me.

The roof just blew off the institute. It's on fire.

On fire? Geez! Hey, can you hold on for a minute?

Yeah, okay. But hurry, will you, I got to go.

Yeah. Help me get him out of here. I've got an idea.

- Are you done yet? - Yeah.

Beauty.

Hey, you did a fine job, son.

What took you two minutes would have taken us two hours.

You ever want a job with the Fire Department, come and see me.

You got it, eh.

What about my brother? Can he get a job?

- You boys want to come with us? - Where are you going?

- Oktoberfest. - Geez, I've had enough beer for a while.

Two trucks full of bad beer went there this morning.

We have to stop the people drinking it.

That's a thirsty crowd. It won't be easy.

Okay, I got an idea, but we got to go home first, okay?

- Come on. - You guys, go with them.

- How come we're going home? - Don't worry about it.

Put these clothes on. I'll tell you about it on the way.

Okay.

Here.

Elsinore beer, will go right over there.

- Okay. - Right over there, please.

You got it.

Okay, eh, all cops, eh, get out of your cars.

Okay. I want to take a head count, uh, like maybe we'll have some breakfast, eh.

Some back bacon sandwiches while we're waiting.

Okay, another thing. Um...

You all went through the "Stop" sign over there.

And that's a moving violation.

And my brother and I, uh, we have a lot of parking tickets.

- Hey, hoser! - What?

My brother's coming in now, so, all cops, come on up here now.

Sit. Okay.

- Got a map? - Map.

Yeah, right here.

Okay, this is like an aerial view. Okay, take the 401.

Take the 401 to Kitchener here, and then take Highway 6 north.

Because it goes right up here. That's the off-ramp.

No. Right there's the off-ramp.

Don't forget to make a right at Highway 6, eh.

Yeah. Okay?

When you get there, you can have all the free beer and sausages you can eat.

Can I get everyone's attention, please?

We are very happy to announce that today all the beer is free.

Courtesy from our good friends at Elsinore Brewery.

Skunk!

Get out of the way! Get out of the way!

I wouldn't go in there. There's a big skunk in there.

We know that. It's a Toronto skunk. My jurisdiction.

Right.

It's okay, it's okay.

Well, boys, it worked.

Worked! I can't thank you enough. I really can't.

That's, uh, some dog of yours, too. He's really hungry, isn't he?

Yeah, he's always hungry, eh.

We couldn't feed him, eh, because we was in jail.

- You put us there. Thanks a lot! - Yeah, we was innocent, too.

She told you we were innocent.

- Just a second, boys. - Okay, Inspector.

Now, maybe, we can drop the criminal charges,

but, believe me, that mental incompetence bit

will be, ahem, tough to beat.

I'll take care of them.

From now on they're working full time at the brewery for me and Rosie.

- Beauty. - Come on.

- Let's go, dear. - Beauty, eh?

- Let's go, dear. - See you, Inspector.

Pam?

Oh, sorry, eh.

We was wondering, eh, like, uh,

just exactly what is wrong with the beer, eh?

- Is it poison? Like, could it kill you? - No, no.

It's not a poison. It's, uh, more like a drug.

It can wear off in time like it did with me, eh.

Oh. We was thinking since we're employees of the brewery now, eh,

like, perhaps it would be, uh, a good idea for us

to take, like, all the contaminated beer back to the brewery

where it can be properly disposed of, eh?

You know how to handle one of those big rigs?

- Geez, a ten-speed! - Yeah, sure, of course.

- Like, uh, we drive them all the time, eh. - Well, take off, eh.

- Beauty! Come on! - You're lying.

It's okay, don't worry. Trust me. Come here.

- You're lying. - I want to talk to you.

- You're tricking me. - Come here.

If you're sucking me in-- I knew you would.

- You're lying! - Take off!

- You don't know how to drive this. - I do.

It's a 10-speed. A five-speed times two.

We're going to crash. We'll be in the water again.

Take off! We are not going to crash, eh!

There's no way I'll crash this. This is a beer truck, eh.

Oh, jeez!

Good day. Welcome to the end of the movie, eh.

- Yeah. How'd you like it? - Yeah. I'm Bob McKenzie.

- This is my brother, Doug. - Oh, excuse me. How's it going?

I was drinking during the beer because I had such--

- During the movie, I mean. - He's loaded, eh. He's gone.

- Okay, I've had a couple. So? - Okay. Time for the movie review, eh.

At least I don't have a voice like Jiminy Cricket.

Okay. Movie review. Okay. I thought it was beauty.

What did you think, Doug?

Well, I thought there were a couple of, uh, minor, uh, story flaws,

but, all in all, it was a good $5's worth for me and my whole family.

Okay, I'd like to thank The Academy for this beer, eh.

It's beauty. I'll put it on my mantel and, um,

- you know, try to keep it cold. Okay. - Try and keep dust off it, too.

How 'bout all those people who left early, eh, when the movie was ending, eh?

They got their cars out now and you got to see this, eh.

Beauty. It's like leaving a ballgame early, eh.

They thought they were going to get out, instead they missed all this great stuff.

Yeah, beauty.

All these names that are going by, these guys worked on the movie, eh.

Like, uh, this guy here. He was beauty.

Mind you, he ate a lot at mealtime, eh. He was always late.

Here goes another one.

It's great to do a movie and get to learn

what all the stuff means, eh, like "grip," eh.

I never knew what grips were, eh. You know what they are, eh?

Guys that wear tools on their belts.

And they live, like, up in the rafters, eh.

They come early in the morning and go up there,

and you don't see them all day. Then they go out.

They're sort of like a different breed, eh.

Or gaffers?

- You know what a "gaffer" is, eh? - Living proof of evolution.

He's the guy that, like, you know, he gaffs. Gaff for us.

That's what a gaffer does.

Okay.

What? Two minutes is up?

- Two minutes and holding. - Okay.

He's going to blast off in a minute. You ever seen him do that?

You ever see at the end of movies, uh, when they, like, freeze frame?

Okay, freeze the frame.

Okay.

You ever see in the movies cowboys ride off into the sunset?

When you heard the whistle blow, they ride off, ride off.

Happy trails. See you.

'Bye now.