Original subtitles

Previously on "Stan Against Evil"...

Sorry.

Tonight's episode...

"Cuckoo for Murder Puffs."

_

Headed to Willard's Mill?

Hop on in, friend.

Car trouble?

Assumed it'd be car trouble, though I don't see a car back there.

Are you hurt? I could take you to the hospital.

Not hurt.

So, um, what brings you to Willard's Mill?

I'm here to collect souls.

And here we are. Willard's Mill.

Just cut through those trees, and it's about 18 miles.

Good, good, good.

Just get out of the car,

just like you're doing now, and, uh...

great.

Ohh!

No, no, no! No, no!

Synced and corrected by hawken45 for www.addic7ed.com

Denise!

You been flushing stale bread down the toilet again?

You call it "flushing bread down the toilet."

I call it "feeding the sewer pigeons."

But I've told you,

there... there is no such thing as the...

Just call the plumber, will you, please?

Can you do it? I'm still getting ready.

Kevin's taking me to see the original play

that inspired all the "Fast and Furious" movies.

I don't look too slutty, do I?

Oh, I just look so warped.

And dented.

Oh. Ugh.

Sweetheart, you look fine.

Go out and have a good time.

Or go out and have a bad time,

but... but for the love of Christ,

just go out.

Just go out. Just go out.

- Just go out. - Okay.

Just go out.

Yeah, well, make it quick.

My kitchen smells like a fart threw up.

Ah.

Hmm.

You called for a plumber?

I just hung up.

Sorry for the great service, pal.

Either this guy was savagely beaten,

or this car was driven by

a hundred pounds of lasagna in a suit.

Oof.

That looks like a pot of beef stroganoff

in a three-piece suit.

I said lasagna.

That's funny!

That's...

Mm.

Sorry I'm late.

I had a crazy weekend down in Boston

at the Deputies Convention.

There's a Deputies Convention?

Yeah, Dep-Con.

I got second place

in the second-in-command contest,

which, of course, is their first place.

- Wow. - I also got this.

It's a SmartStick.

Yeah, it's linked to an app on my phone.

It gives me realtime updates on the stick's location.

SmartStick location... hip.

And it's also got a wicked theft-prevention feature.

It electrocutes anyone who tries to grab it from me.

Or me if I grab it wrong.

So, what are we thinking here?

Suicide?

Leon, his head is twisted all the way around

and half his bones are broken.

Eh, must have really hated himself.

Mm-hmm.

Mr. Miller?

Can I show you something?

Uh, what do you got?

- A C.H.U.D.? - What's a C.H.U.D.?

Cannibalistic Humanoid Underground Dweller.

- What are you, dense? - I'm not much of a reader.

Look at that.

Die!

What the hell are ya doing?

Stop resisting!

Well, you have exactly zero upper-body strength.

Die! Die!

Oh, stop.

Ohh! God!

Right on the knob.

Forget it.

What are you, one of these demons

sent by Constable Eccles to kill me and Evie?

No. Yeah.

Yeah, and you need to be killed real soon.

We know what you're up to with Haurus.

Can I ask you a personal question?

Yeah. Why not?

What do they call you down there?

The Red Ninja? Oh!

Eh, my heart's not in it, okay?

- I mean, who could care? - Mm-hmm.

They sent me here, I tried, and I failed.

Okay, I'll get outta your hair.

Just a second there, Bruce Lee.

You ain't fixing my toilet?

You know I'm not a real plumber, right?

Give it your best shot.

Hell never ends.

Mm.

- Hey, I'm good at this! - Yeah.

Can I, uh, pick your brain for a second, there?

Sure.

Bill, by the way.

Bill the Demon. Terrific stuff.

Stanley Miller.

Stan.

Oh.

Uh, Denise,

this is not the Yaphet Kotto Community Playhouse.

No.

This is where kids park and... canoodle.

Oh.

Oh!

Oh...

Mm.

- Mm. - Mm.

- Mm. - Mm.

- I can't do this! - I knew it.

- You're Amish. - No.

No, it... it's that kid over there.

He keeps staring at us.

I'll go talk to him.

What's your problem?

Hey, uh, buddy,

could ya maybe not stare?

Trying to get in the zone.

Hey.

My God!

This guy has no bones.

Wait a minute.

His girlfriend is dead.

This guy with no bones is dating a dead woman!

Kevin, they're both dead.

You're right.

I better get digging.

- What?! - Sorry.

I'm... I'm always at work in my head.

Personally, I don't care what you do,

but I'm not the one calling the shots.

If I was, I probably wouldn't have gotten burned at the stake.

- You know what I mean? - Eccles.

That son of a bitch.

He's gonna get what's coming to him soon enough.

But let me pivot, Bill the Demon.

You say you're familiar with this demon named Haurus?

Yeah.

Yeah, I know him.

I need to find a way to contact him.

I need... I need to get in touch with this guy.

You don't want to do that.

Stan? Stan.

Stan, we got another demon...

stration to present at the senior center

about why old people open their mouths when they're driving.

It's okay, it's okay. This is Bill.

Bill, this is Evie. Evie, this is Bill.

Bill's a demon.

Hands where I can see 'em!

They are where you can see 'em.

Aha!

Thank you for your compliance.

Why are you having a beer with him?

Oh, take it easy. Bill's good people, huh?

It's not his fault he's a demon.

Right, pal?

Well, it is his fault that

two teenagers and a motorist are dead.

No, no, no. That wasn't me.

That was the Bondsman.

The who?

Yeah, so, if you don't kill me

and I don't kill you,

Eccles sends this, uh, demon they call the Bondsman

to drag me back to the pit.

And I was hoping to have a little time to just hang out.

Ah.

The leaves are so gorgeous this time of year.

If the Bondsman is only after you,

why is he killing other people?

"Because he likes it."

- "Dirty Harry!" - Yes!

Oh! Classic stuff, Bill.

You know, I took my wife, Claire,

to that on our first date.

She loves that movie.

Oh, nice!

Hello?

Does that mean that the "Bondsman"

is gonna kill us, too?

Oh, yeah.

And he'll do it in a way

that'll really make you wish I had killed you.

Hmm.

Then you need to turn yourself in to this Bondsman

before anybody else gets hurt.

Oh, now, hold your horses, hold your horses.

You understand,

I've learned more about Constable Eccles

in the last hour

than we've figured out in the last two years.

Here's my idea.

We figure out how to get rid of this Bondsman,

and then we put Bill the Demon on the starting squad.

Do you love it?

Blow it up.

Yeah, you know what I'm saying.

Uh...

Oh...

Yeah, I'm s... I'm sorry, Bill.

I have a town to protect.

No, she... she's right, Stan.

It's... It's the right thing to do.

Okay.

There is one thing I'd like to do first.

Grab another brew?

Second.

- That's a demon joke. - Yeah, no, I get it.

I don't like it.

Nobody likes it.

I'm a demon.

This is me.

It's a weird thing to stand over your own grave.

I don't recommend it.

Yeah, actually, we, uh...

We've... been through some stuff.

I lost my wife the winter before I died.

The snows came.

We had no food or firewood.

That's when the bear got her.

I killed it, skinned it, used its fur for warmth,

and ate like a king for the rest of the winter.

Thank God for that bear.

It's a shame you haven't figured out how to open The Passage.

You could free all these people.

The what, now?

The Passage that connects the land of the living

and the realm of the dead.

There's a spell that'll reverse the flow of energy

between the two worlds.

And what would that do?

Well, basically, it would take all the souls

that Eccles has imprisoned and spit them back out,

and then the Bondsman, who's here,

would be sucked back in.

You hear that, Barret?

This...

This could be it.

- Stan... - No, hear me out.

Eccles is only as strong as his army.

You take away his soldiers,

and he's just another jerkoff in a hat.

Bill the Demon, do you know this spell?

No.

I wouldn't begin to know where to look for it.

Well, that's an interesting theory,

but I don't see how two dead people

could meet up and go on a date.

Well...

Well, you two kids best get home.

Oh, Kevin, I'm gonna need that blanket.

Can't I keep it?

You got, like, five of them now.

- Keep it. - Yes!

Say hello to my SmartStick!

SmartStick location... on ground.

Aah.

You better run!

Aaah!

Had enough?

User not recognized.

Aah!

Aah!

There's more where that came from!

User not recognized.

Okay, Leon, well, just stay on him.

Okay, don't stay on him.

We're putting together a plan now.

- Any luck? - Nothing here.

Oh-ho, hey, guys, I think this might be it.

"The Decussation of the Passage."

Uh...

So, okay, we go back to where we're all buried

and chant this spell.

And then, "what is imprisoned shall be free",

and what is free shall be imprisoned."

In other words, the Bondsman is toast,

and I'm a free man!

And the other trapped souls will be free, as well?

Well, that... that's what it says here, so...

so, what... what... what do you think?

Can you give us a sec?

Uh, sure, yeah. No problem.

I... gotta use the little demon's room, anyway.

Is this too good to be true?

Yeah.

But think about all the stuff

that was too bad to be true, huh?

Huh? Let's... Let's...

Let's not look a gift horse in the mouth.

Take it from one who's had a gift horse...

it doesn't always work out great.

I'm done.

I'm... I'm done with the endless parade of freaks.

Listen to me.

We have an honest-to-God chance

to leave this party early.

And I'm taking it.

This is nice.

We can go see that play some other time.

I just realized,

I think I'm gonna have to see those kids again

at least one more time.

You think it'll be awkward?

I don't think so.

They seemed nice.

- Mm. - Mm.

- Hey, guys! - Aah!

Dad, what are you doing here?

What are you doing here?

Well, it's been a dead people kind of day.

Heh, that's great.

Listen, I know this is last-minute,

but does either of you have any interest

in being a part of a demonic ritual?

- We need two more for a set. - Well...

We're kind of in the middle...

Just take a minute.

Okay.

Then this will all be over.

Follow Bill the Demon.

- Okay. - Come on, sweetheart.

Chop-chop, Kev.

This is so awkward, Dad.

Listen, no matter what happens,

I just want to say

I really enjoyed hanging with you guys,

and I'm glad I didn't kill you.

And I-I-I'd just like to say...

I don't want to get too emotional here,

but, brother, we're all very lucky

that you suck at your job.

- Yow. - This guy!!

- You! - You!

- You! - Oh, no, you!

Come on, now, let's, uh...

Let's bang out some spells and...

and spring us some goddamned souls.

What do you say? How's it go?

Convertant Lucam Lenebre

Viitet Mortuus Est,

Aperis Obscura Haeccun Dei.

Uh...

What's happening?

Why am I floating?

Hey, cabrone.

T-This is part of the show, right?

Okay, confession time.

The spell you just recited is...

Well, basically, you just condemned yourselves to Hell.

- Bill! - What?

I know. I conned you. I'm sorry.

Actually, I'm not sorry.

Well, I'm sorry I'm not sorry.

Can you be that? I think I'm that.

And The Passage? For the souls?

No such thing! I made it up.

See, Stan? What did I tell you?

I said it's too good to be true!

Oh, no, that's just great.

Kick the guy on his way to Hell.

Real sportsmanlike.

This is all your fault, Stan.

Because you are messing

with forces you don't understand.

I always wanted to say that.

And the, uh... the Bondsman,

he was working with you the whole time, huh?

No! That's the best part...

there is no "Bondsman"!

I made him up, too!

Who's killing all those people?

I don't know! Some nut!

Just a happy coincidence.

Uh, but it made the lie so much easier to sell.

Just, it kinda wrote itself!

And now it's time for you to go.

Aragoth, norgoth, zorgoth...

Ah-gah-gah-gah-gah! Gah-gah-gah-gah-gah!

Ohh!

Aah!

Who are you?

I'm the Collector of Souls.

Who are you, really?

I'm Billy Ray Tugmeyer.

I'm an escaped lunatic.

- You saved us. - I did?

Yeah. This guy was about to send us to Hell.

Oh. That's nice.

Anyway...

Freeze!

That's him!

Good timing.

I got this.

Broken femur.

Okay.

Leon, I think we're... good. We're good.

Uh...

- Broken sacrum. - Hey, Stan.

What'd this one mean about, uh,

you "messing with powers you don't understand"?

Come on. You know these demons.

Diarrhea of the mouth, constipation of the brain.

Let's go home.

Eh, okay.

Congratulations. 11 calories burned.

I've had about enough of this thing.

SmartStick location... alone.

Leon?

Come back.

I'm afraid, Leon.

Leon?