Original subtitles

Previously on "Stan Against Evil."

What is that thing growing up by the station?

When the first flowers bloom, the portal will open,

and the Land of the Dead

shall corrupt the Land of the Living

for time without end.

Should we get a new map now?

Constable Eccles was the only witch.

Did you ever think that it might be possible

to save the life of someone you lost?

I can go back and save Claire.

I got to figure out how to travel back a year

to save my wife,

and the only way I'm going to be able to do that

is if I find this guy, Gerard DuQuette.

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She has much milk in her this morning.

When I think of how much money

this milk will fetch at market,

it's as if her teats were full of diamonds.

I know if my manly bosom could produce diamonds,

I would fill bucket after bucket.

Of precious, precious man-boob diamonds.

You're out of milk.

Synced and corrected by hawken45 for www.addic7ed.com

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Let's do this.

These, uh...

These are the eyeballs of that thing.

It came up out of Evie's grave and tried to kill us.

Looked like a big pile of crap covered in bullshit.

Oh, I remember, Sheriff.

The Wraith?

Why do you want to go into the past?

Not that I consider you particularly "modern."

Oh, you got that right, buster.

This country ain't been the same since Evel Knievel died.

Here's the bottom line...

I got to back to last year and save my wife's life.

No!

No! No!

Absolutely not, Mr. Miller.

- See? - I...

Evel Knievel. They told him no, too.

You can't jump over Caesar's Palace.

He did.

You can't jump over 13 double-decker busses.

He did.

You can't jump over Snake River Canyon,

and he damn sure did.

No, he didn't.

He crashed every one of those times.

But he tried. He tried like a man.

A man in a skin-tight leather jumpsuit

with a beautiful cape, good hair, a helmet, and...

I've gotten off-topic.

Listen to me.

I got to find this guy, Gerard DuQuette.

So?

So...

That's where you come in.

He's been dead for 400 years.

He's some kind of black magic, sorcery assface.

Won't you do it for Claire?

Please?

The hell is that?

Sage. It purifies the room.

Smells like a pregnant raccoon died in your chimney.

Eh.

From the Great Lady and The Seven Winds,

I summon Charon,

blessed ferryman of the river Styx.

We summon Gerard DuQuette, denizen of the Otherworld.

Yeah. What she said.

Ow!

Nails.

Da Rakom, Ossun, Hekuba, I summon thee all,

Da Rakom Ossun, Hekuba, I summon thee all.

Now what?

Does the doorbell ring, he pops out of a cake,

and gives me a nobjob?

I don't understand.

I... I've had weak responses before,

but never just nothing.

Well...

Maybe he was gonna show up,

but then he got a load of that crap you burnt.

I know what I should have said.

It smells like somebody popped a balloon full of clown farts.

Worst...

Seance...

Ever.

Hellooo?

What?

Denise?

Is that you?

I don't think so.

Are you...?

I am.

Constance Eccles told me...

I know.

Why weren't you at the seance?

I had a thing.

Lookit.

I got to figure out how to...

How to use the eyes of the Wraith

to travel back just one year instead of 400

so that you can save your dear wife's life.

- Correct? - Exactly!

This is terrific.

How do I do it?

Do you like riddles?

No, I'm straight.

The first person is your passage

on the time-travel express.

You can go wherever they go,

on the day they're laid to rest.

You have 24 hours to solve the riddle.

You fail, you die.

That's a little different than the way they used to do it

in the Reader's Digest.

Makes it fun for me.

24 hours.

Later, tater.

Hey.

How do I die?

Maybe you'll do something so horrible

that the people of Willard's Mill

will band together and kill you themselves.

Oh, crap.

Denise, honey, you, uh...

You're good at pu...

Puzzles, aren't you?

Oh, Leon called to say "Thank you for the fudge."

I beg your pardon?

Apparently you went down to the station this morning

and you brought him some fudge.

That...

wasn't me.

Are you sure it wasn't you?

Why would I lie about fudge?

Well, we've all made a bad batch of fudge before

and we lied about it.

Shame Fudge is real,

but we don't let it get us down.

We get back in the kitchen, we roll up our sleeves,

and we try agaaain!

Oh, shit.

Oh.

Leon?

Leon!

What the hell happened to you?

The fudge.

The fudge happened.

I don't know what you put in it...

That wasn't me.

Oh, yes, it was!

Maybe you'll do something so horrible

that the good people of Willard's Mill will kill you themselves.

Leon.

- Wheeee! - What was in the fudge?

Freedom!

For my mind.

I only got 14 hours. I got to go.

Wait!

- Oh, no! - I got a better idea.

Why don't I kill you and you go to Heaven

and you call me, tell me what you see?

I'm scared.

Oh, hi.

Did you want to try the seance again?

That sounds delish.

J'entre?

Sure.

Love the house.

You were just here yesterday?

Oh, snap.

Are you looking at my bum?

No, Leon.

- Geranimo! - Leon.

We're gonna need the others if we're gonna...

I had a bucket like this once.

Okay.

Company!

Oh, hi, Gordy!

Hello.

Gordy the mailman?

You come in here, you rascal.

- Well, hello, Stan. - Hi, Gordy.

What's... What's that saying you mailmen have?

Neither snow nor rain...

Or sleet will stay these couriers

from their appointed rounds.

What about a bucket?

Uh, I'm sorry, what?

Would... Would that stay you

from... from your appointed rounds?

A bucket?

Ah!

He's on the move.

Come here, you scamp.

"The first person."

The first person what?

Hey, pretty lady.

Look what I did.

My brain did this with my mind.

And my hand.

Leon, I really got to go.

You can go when Evie gets here.

When does Evie get here?

Tomorrow. Today's her day off.

I don't have that kind of time.

Hello!

Sh-Sheriff Barret, please.

Call her at home. She loves that.

I need you to draw Eddie the Head on my back.

- I beg your pardon? - Eddie the Head.

From Iron Maiden.

I know who Eddie the Head is.

"Fear the Dark" much?

Let me see.

Oh, I think you're really gonna like that.

- Thank you. - Yeah.

As true today as it was then.

Yello?

Hey. What happened?

Gordy's dead.

The mailman.

It was Stan.

Gor... Stan?! What?

Something seemed off at first.

He was just so happy and friendly.

Oh, yeah, that definitely does not sound like Stan.

God, I know.

And you're sure it was Stan?

Yeah, it was him, all right.

He left you a message.

_

Hutchy much.

So then, he came by, like we had talked about.

He... He was smiling, very polite.

Yeah, see, that's the thing.

I mean, I can definitely imagine

Stan killing someone with a bucket,

but this whole smiling, polite thing?

I mean, that does not track.

Mm.

Speaking of which, where's the, uh, body?

Oh, that.

Just get here, please.

I had just hung up.

Neither snow...

nor rain...

- Nor sleet will stay... - Oh!

So, you're saying this guy was... was dead,

and then he just...

Walked right through this room

and right out of that door.

What do you mean, "Like we talked about"?

You said "Stan came by, like we talked about."

Yeah. Stan came to me to contact a spirit.

Stan?

Yeah, he wants to travel back in time to save his wife.

Oh, no.

No, no, that's got to be so...

Dangerous? I told him.

Look, we were trying to summon the spirit of Gerard DuQuette,

a practitioner of Black Magik from the 17th century.

Oh, that's a... that's a great idea.

Summon an evil wizard!

But he didn't appear.

Are you sure?

Oh, my God, that's Anti.

This guy is still out there, and everybody thinks he's Stan.

I can't believe there's a worse version of Stan out there.

I didn't know that was possible.

Mm-mm!

Sheriff?!

These heirloom tomatoes?

They are now!

Martin!

Ahhh! Oh!

Put that thing down, Leon. I got to go.

Martin! Sheriff Miller...

What is it?

Neither the rain...

nor snow...

nor...

sleet...

will keep these couriers...

From their appointed rounds...

Pshoo!

Yello?!

Oh! Applesauce.

Hello?

Sheriff Miller did what to your bird feeder?

Well, sweetheart, love takes many forms.

Hello?

Sheriff Miller climbed up on your roof

and took a dump down your chimney?

Well, don't start a fire. Hang on.

Hello?

No, I don't want to lower my credit score.

Eat a bag of dicks!

Hello?

Oh, thank God, Stan.

Where have you been all day?

I've been here.

Do you have a witness?

Well, eh, more or less.

Okay, uh, second question.

Have you happened to have done anything incredibly stupid lately,

like conjure the spirit of a 17th-century evil wizard?

We're gonna have to put a pin in that one.

Stan, were you planning on telling me

about your little time-travelling scheme?

It's complicated.

Listen to me, there's a double going around town

pretending that he's me, and he's causing... mischief.

Yeah, you have no idea. I'm on my way.

No! No, no, no, no, no.

You... You go ahead and meet me at my house, up in Claire's room,

and don't stop to get your nails done.

What are you... I don't get my nails...

Clock's ticking.

Definitely him.

All right, Leon.

You're in charge.

The guy said I had 24 hours

to solve this riddle or I'm a dead man.

Uh-huh, and how long ago was that?

23 hours and 53 minutes.

Who's counting?

Wakey wakey, eggs and bakey.

Come on, tickle pickle.

What the...?

What the hell?

What... What are you doing here?

I wanted to challenge you

to a game of Rock, Paper, Scissors.

O-Okay.

For stabs.

It's almost 12:00.

It's midnight.

That's him.

Ooh, I'll get it!

She went downstairs.

Denise!

Oh, it's the ma...

Hey! Hey!

Hey!

Denise!

Denise, are you okay?

Go for his eyes!

Yeah, the eyes! That's it, Stan!

The eyes!

I got it!

Eyes! The first person!

Oh, I get it.

That's clever.

The first person is your passage

on the time-travel express.

You can go wherever they go

on the day they're laid to rest.

You solve the riddle and you'll know what to do.

Good job, Dad!

Take the mailman's eyes, go back to yesterday,

and then don't summon Gerard DuQuette!

Come on, Dad!

All right, Stan!

Hold your horses.

You know what they say about eyeballs.

They don't gouge themselves out.

Well, that was a fun game.

I win.

What's in the bag, Stan?

You said I had 24 hours to solve the riddle.

And I did.

It's the eyes.

The first person is the eyes.

Indeed you did.

Get on it, little man.

It worked.

[Screams]

Ahh!

Sweetheart, I'm sorry about this.

You'll thank me later.