Original subtitles

Previously on "Stan Against Evil"...in color.

Leon: Sheriff Miller? It's your wife, sir. She's dead.

I'm Evelyn Barret.

I'm the new sheriff of Willard's Mill.

Starting today, you're as good as dead.

Man: This whole town's haunted 'cause of the witch burnings.

Of course, they weren't really witches.

Leon: Willard's Mill had a constable named Thaddeus Eccles.

You know how many witches Thaddeus Eccles burned?

172.

Evie: One person burned 172 people?

One sheriff.

And ever since, every sheriff we've ever had

has died an early, violent, horrible death.

Except Stan.

[Growling]

[Grunts]

Pipe to the head. Never fails.

Not that I've ever...

done that to a suspect.

That would, of course, be...

illegal.

Evie: Who are you? Constance: He did not send you?

He won't let me go. I'm afraid he wants you, too.

Who?

Man: You're supposed to destroy Constable Eccles.

I'm supposed to kill a guy who's been dead for 400 years?

If you continue down this path,

you're gonna find a time loop.

What is this place? This is the space between spaces.

How do I get out?

Please! I have to get back!

No!

Evelyn Barret, as Constable of Willard's Mill Township,

I, Thaddeus Eccles,

accuse you of the crime of witchcraft.

[Indistinct shouting] No!

**

Something ain't right.

[Indistinct shouting]

**

Evelyn Barret, unholy viper!

[Scoffs] I am not the viper!

You are!

Woman: Watch your mouth, blondie!

Oh, please!

Child of Satan, you shall be purified,

and nothing quite purifies like fire!

No!

[Indistinct shouting]

Man: Hey, I'm a pilgrim!

**

**

[Crickets chirping]

[Eerie music plays]

**

**

**

**

**

**

Stan?

[Gasps]

**

**

**

Don't you remember me, buddy?

No. I don't.

I died in 1692.

You're in the wrong world.

How could I remember you if you died in 1692?

Figure it out.

Boop!

[Gasps]

Oh, goddammit.

I can't get any rest when I'm sleeping.

Oh, God.

[Bed creaks]

**

Morning, Dad. Hey, Evie.

I'm Denise.

Beg your pardon?

You called me Evie -- again.

My name is Denise. Who's Evie?

I don't know.

Are you sure?

You have some girlfriend you're not telling me about?

You been acting real weird lately.

It sounds familiar, doesn't it?

But I don't know anybody named Evie.

**

Whoever she is,

she better not be some scuzzy hag with a dead leg,

walking in here,

trying to limp around and be my new mom.

"Oh, sweetheart, why don't you go

down to the packy and get me a pack of smokes."

You're not my mother.

"Don't talk to sass to me or I'll kick your ass."

At least my ass works.

"Don't talk to your new mother like that."

I don't like your tone with me.

"I don't like your tone."

I don't want a new mom!

**

**

[Tires squeal]

**

**

Hey.

**

Where did you go?

What are you lookin' at?

Huh?

Punk.

Ah. Dick.

Hey! Hey!

**

Don't I know you?

**

Can I help you?

No, I'm talking to her.

How... How do I know you?

Sir, I'm gonna have to ask you to move. Why, huh?

Do I need to call you the sheriff?

Go ahead.

Who is the sheriff?

[Chuckles] You don't know?

**

Leon?

Hello, Stanley.

Leon, you can't be the new sheriff.

The new sheriff's a woman, or...

did I dream that?

The new sheriff is not a woman.

Well, we got that going for us.

For a second, I thought we were living in Europe.

Stanley, are you okay?

Oh, I'm fine, Leon.

Just in the wrong world.

**

[Chanting in Latin]

[Chanting continues]

[Chanting stops]

I call this meeting

of the Willard's Mill Black Hat Society to order.

Hmm.

We've seen him.

Who? The prophesied one.

He has begun his awakening, as was predicted.

Yeah? [Clears throat]

[Sighs]

The Chair recognizes Judy.

Before we get going,

I just have a question about snack duty.

It was on the e-mail.

Oh, the one where you CC'ed everyone instead of BCCing,

that e-mail? Judy, are you serious?

We've seen the prophesied one!

Okay, you know what?

If you don't want snacks, fine.

Just make a formal motion.

Well, I'd like to make a formal motion

for you to shut your word hole.

Oh. It's "pie hole."

For the record... I made pie.

[Chuckles]

But I guess nobody cares about that.

Nobody cares about you, Judy.

Well, what can I get you that you would like, Clifford,

diarrhea?!

Anyway, we've seen the prophesied one.

Clifford: I don't care anymore.

[Crickets chirping]

**

[No audio]

**

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**

[Boom] [Grunts]

Huh.

**

**

**

**

**

Wake up.

[Gasps]

Oh, mother's fudge.

Son of a...

[Vehicle passes in distance]

[Engine revs]

[Tires squeal, crash]

Now what?

[Air hissing]

Don't be mad.

What did you do?!

I was thinking about chocolate milk.

I beg your pardon?

I was thinking I wanted chocolate milk.

And then I got distracted,

and then there was a tree.

Stan!

Stan!

**

Evie Barret.

**

Who's Evie Barret?

I don't know.

But she's in the cemetery.

[Chanting in Latin]

Hey, Kev-o.

Oh, hey, Sheriff.

You got a Barret back here?

Uh, no, I got a Barton.

Just came in, hot off the hearse.

Who the hell are those mutts?

[Chanting continues]

Oh, that's the, uh, the Black Hat Society.

The what? [Sighs]

They're witches... so they say.

Well, what are they doing by my wife's grave?

I don't know.

This -- This place is full of ding dongs

doing all kinds of baloney.

It's funny.

I spent four years living in a monastery --

Good talk, Kev.

Yeah, I'm -- I'm not interesting.

If somebody said that to me,

I wouldn't want to hear the rest.

[Chanting continues]

**

Hey!

[Whistles] Hey! [Chanting stops]

Now, I don't exactly know what kind of club this is,

but crashing a graveyard and making pretend

you're Fleetwood Mac is not exactly the...

Oh.

I knew damn sure you'd turn up again.

You're like a bad penny.

So have we officially stopped chanting,

or is this just a small break?

Are we taking breaks? I think so.

[Scoffs]

How do I know you?

We were friends of your wife's, Mr. Miller.

Yeah, well, I never met you before.

Of course, I...

I didn't know any of her friends or...

I don't think Claire wanted you to know about us,

about our group.

What are you saying, my wife was one of you guys?

This is me not buying it.

Unh-unh, unh-unh-unh.

Well, then how do I know so much about her?

About what she did when she went out late at night.

About what she keeps in her sewing room.

Oh, now just a second. How do you know th--

**

All right, that's it.

You two, come with me.

Statler and Waldorf, go get ice cream.

Let's go.

Oh.

I'll take some ice cream.

[Scoffs]

I'm lactose intolerant, and you know that.

[Sighs]

**

[Brakes squeal]

**

[Door opens, creaks]

All right, what, uh...

what is all this stuff?

**

While Claire was alive, this room was strictly off limits.

Then after she passed, I...

I came in here and--

What?

Well, I -- I saw all of this stuff.

And?

I don't know, I...

I guess I...

I shut the door and left.

You have this giant mystery in the middle of your house,

and you just shut the door and left?

Lookit, I was married to the woman

for more than half my life,

and you think this is the only mystery

I ever had to deal with?

What about the hair curlers?

Huh?

Nobody in the house uses them,

and yet they're underneath every single bathroom sink.

One time, I threw a few away, and the next morning,

they were right back down there,

just staring up at me.

What, do they breed? Mr. Miller?

And those brown hair pins?

Oh, they're everywhere.

I got one in my foot right now.

Mr. Miller! My wife was not a witch!

Denise: Oh, she most certainly was not!

Oh, great. What is going on here?

Is this her?

Is this the girlfriend you won't tell me about?

Well, I gotta tell you, Dad, I'm impressed.

I really am.

Shocked is more of a word for it.

I mean, you and her?

Foxy lady!

Foxy lady!

[Chuckles] Bow-chicka-wow-wow.

This is not my girlfriend.

It was a friend of your mother's.

Evie: Did you get the eyes?!

**

What?

Uh, nobody said anything, Dad.

[Chuckles]

Did you get the eyes?!

**

Did I bring the eyes?

Lara: Mr. Miller...

Who -- Who are you talking to?

I just heard a woman's voice

asking me if I brought the eyeballs,

and none of you heard that?

N-No.

Okey-dokey.

Well, then I've either gone just completely bat-shit crazy...

or this is God's way of telling me

it's time to start doing some real drinking.

**

I'm talking about real drinking.

**

Hello there, little fella.

Oh.

**

Doctor!

[Door opens, closes]

Mr. Mill--

Mr. Miller!

Oh. How did you guys get here?

She's sending you a message, Mr. Miller.

There was a coven of witches

in Willard's Mill in the 1600s.

Not the people who were burned as witches,

but a coven of pure Wiccans who did no harm.

We are their descendants.

Wait a second.

If your ancestors were here in the 1600s, that means they--

Yeah.

Well, I didn't do it.

But there's the case of Evelyn Barret --

who was put to the stake, but then vanished.

No one knows what happened to her.

Keep talking.

My -- My legs are -- are just starting to get warm.

Denise?! I'm right here.

Oh.

There's a deer on the wall.

He's always been there! That's Gunther.

Okay, so legend states

that Evelyn Barret was rescued by the prophesied one.

We believe that's you.

**

[Laughs]

Jesus!

Not saying I'm Jesus.

God knows I hate the meek.

Oh, boy, he damn sure stayed in shape.

He had abs like Michael Phelps.

Did you ever see that washboard the guy was sporting?

**

Oh, something ain't right.

I need a drink.

Oh! It's like magic.

No more.

Oh, it don't matter.

I know what I have to do now.

I'm outie, McGroutie.

Gotta dig up a grave.

Denise: He's not going anywhere.

I have the keys.

I'm an excellent driver. Oh!

I'll drive, ladies. Follow me. Come on!

But I -- I can do it.

**

**

Stan: Oh, I feel good.

That was a fun car ride.

[Yelling in Spanish]

What? Do you have a Barret here?

No, I told you up there.

No, I don't mean up there. I mean down here.

No. There's -- There's one unmarked.

That's it.

That's it.

This is my -- my dream.

Oh! [Grunts] Denise: Dad?

Sheriff Miller, are you drunk?

Don't you believe it, Kev-o.

Maybe -- Maybe a little bit.

Hi, Kevin. Hi.

Dad?

**

**

**

Oh, what do we have here?

Lara: But Evelyn Barret was never killed.

She vanished.

Yeah? Then who's down here?

**

**

[Shovel thuds]

**

We're here.

[Grunts]

[Bang]

Dad, did you do that?

No. [Rumbling]

Get out of there.

**

[Boom]

[Screeching]

**

[Laughs] I knew it!

You ugly son of a bitch!

[Screeches]

I'm not crazy!

I saw this whole goddamn thing in my dream!

[Screeches]

[All screaming]

[Screeches]

**

Get down!

[Panting] It's gonna kill us.

Yes.

[Screeches]

This is a trap set by my father 400 years ago.

The wraith cannot be destroyed.

[Screeches] [Women screaming]

[Screaming, screeching continue]

Denise: It's gonna kill us!

[Screaming, screeching continue]