Original subtitles

Arthur, your blood pressure is 160 over 100.

160 out of 100?

That's awesome! 160 over 100.

It's not awesome; it's hypertension.

Oh [bleep]

Have you been stressed lately?

Unemployment? A death in the family?

Mommy issues?

Ohh.

Yep.

This makes sense.

You know what? It's almost Valentine's Day.

And? My wife has very high expectations.

Last year, I did the classic "scavenger hunt

that led to finding her birth parents" thing,

and this year I have to top it.

It cannot be a letdown! No letdowns for Camille!

♪♪

Is "Dranderson" a heart med?

No.

Dr. Anderson is a couples' counselor.

Call her.

♪ Keep giving me hope for a better day ♪

♪ Keep giving me love to find a way ♪

♪ Through this heaviness I feel ♪

♪ I just need someone to say everything's okay ♪

♪ Everything's okay ♪

-- Captions by VITAC --

Weird you're getting Lena a gift.

Really cool wrapping paper, though.

What? No, Milo has a birthday party this weekend. Oh.

Hey, you know what's great about being divorced?

Valentine's Day is tomorrow, and that means nothing to me.

I am off the hook -- no cards, no flowers,

no jewelry that she's going to immediately return

because, what -- what, owl earrings "aren't her thing"?

Hey, you okay?

Me? Yeah.

Oh, I'm fine.

I have this blood-pressure situation.

I can't see out of my left eye, but other than that...

Oh, man, what's stressing you out?

According to my doctor?

It's Camille. Ah, man.

Apparently, she's bad for my health.

He gave me a number for a couples' counselor.

I should just burn it before Camille checks my pockets.

Uh, maybe you should call it.

Listen to your doctor, dude.

Camille loves you, okay,

and I'm sure she'll be open to therapy

if that's what you guys need.

Would you have been open to therapy?

What do I have to do with anything?

You were the Camille of your marriage.

As I am the Lena of mine.

What?! No.

You've never noticed that?

You're such a Camille!

Anyway, therapy's a non-starter for you types.

Well, you could at least ask her

to cut you a break on Valentine's Day, right?

Okay, totally. I will.

Maybe I'll ask in a note.

Can you please write it for me?

How close is your handwriting to Helvetica?

It's the only font she'll read.

Yoga instructor: Okay, all you mommies-to-be,

the more at peace you feel,

the better your baby's gonna feel,

so let's ease back into mountain pose.

Oh, my God.

This is exercise?

I burn more calories cutting Arthur's steak.

Oh, go to hell.

So, Maya, what are you and Mean Gene doing tomorrow?

Oh, he's out of town.

Uh, The Verve Pipe is on tour?

So it's just me and, uh, bebe,

home alone, watching my celebrity crush, Gordon Ramsey.

I know it's weird. I blame the hormones.

It's not weird. Gordon can get it.

What about you, Camille?

You and Arthur have something

spectacular planned for tomorrow?

I'd assume so.

Ooh, I wonder if my passport's up to date.

I was thinking of doing something for Martin.

What?

You're gonna do something for Martin?

Yeah.

I mean, I know we're not together anymore,

but I still love him, obviously --

♪♪

What?

Come on, you guys.

I mean, we were married for 16 years.

Of course I still love him.

It would be weird if I didn't love him.

I was thinking of making rack of lamb.

Oh, I could destroy a rack of lamb right now.

Rack of Lamb is not a casual dish.

It's a dish that says we once loved each other,

we still love each other,

and despite everything we've been through... [ Sighs ]

...our love remains unbroken.

When served with peas.

♪♪

♪♪

This is for you.

Aha!

Let the V-Day Games begin.

Is this a tiny, little treasure map?

"Camille, I love you to the ends of the Earth

but can that just be enough this year?"

I don't get the clue.

There isn't one.

It's just...

I've been putting a lot of pressure on myself

about the holiday.

It's really taking a toll.

A toll!

What tolls do we take to the ends of the Earth?

Camille.

I saw my doctor.

I didn't schedule that.

I wasn't feeling well.

He's concerned about my health.

He gave me a number of a --

A what, Arthur? A-A heart guy?

A brain guy? A butt guy?

A couples' guy.

A counselor.

So you think that you're sick... because of me?

I can't sleep. I'm losing my hair.

I'm getting nosebleeds at work.

People think I'm doing coke. They keep asking me for coke.

I don't have any coke!

What does that have to do with me?

Everything has to do with you!

My whole life revolves around you!

It's not working for me!

Sweetie, is it possible that this pent-up rage

is actually just shame

because you haven't gotten my present yet?

Because if so, I will accept a gift card.

Just this once. You know what?

I'm leaving, and I'm taking the dog with me.

[ Deep voice ] The dog stays.

Come on, Grand Mal! [ Normal voice ] Grand Mal, stay there, baby.

Daddy's not going anywhere... Come on, girl! Come on, girl!

...and even if he was, he doesn't know about... Daddy's for sure going somewhere.

...your dietary restrictions... C'mon, Granny. I love you!

...so it's best to stay put! Come to Daddy. Come with me. Come on.

[ Snoring ]

Great! You triggered her narcolepsy.

♪♪

Hey, Mom? Hmm?

I need rain boots.

We have a field trip to a bog next week.

Didn't you guys already go to a marsh?

Yes. And now we're going to a bog.

♪♪

What you cooking? Smells good in there.

Hey, thanks.

Hey, so, tomorrow is V-Day,

and the kids are going to that school dance,

so I thought I could make a nice dinner for the two of us,

you know, so you don't have to eat out of a bag.

[ Chalk scraping ]

You want to have dinner with me?

Well, I just thought it would be a nice way to say thanks.

You've been a really amazing partner lately.

Partner?

Co-parent? Roommate? Whatever.

I was just thinking it would be, you know, a nice,

casual dinner between two friends

who got nuthin' but love for each other.

What?

Would you stop it? [ Laughs ]

We obviously still love one another.

What are you doing?

What are you doing?

What are you doing? You are making it weird.

Come on. You know I love you.

No, I don't.

I tell you all the time.

You do not.

Okay, well, then I'm saying it now, bro.

You wanna hammer some lamb with me tomorrow or not?

Yeah, man. Let's hammer a lamb, brah.

I'm in. Good.

All right, well, it's super casual, all right?

Très caj. Okay.

I might even wear sweats.

[ Arthur laughs in distance ]

[ Laughter continues ]

Hey, buddy.

I'm gonna crash here for a bit.

I took your advice, and I stood up to Camille.

And then we got in a huge fight.

I was gonna go to a hotel,

but there's no telling what I might do if left alone.

Now I'm kind of curious. Should we try and find out?

Fresh pepper?

Fresh pepper?

Mnh-mnh.

Freshly ground pepper?

Sure. Great.

[ Grinding ]

Arthur, stop.

Sit down. Just relax.

You're right. I'm so sorry, baby.

"Baby"? Reflex!

Sorry, Camille. No, I'm not sorry, Camille.

There, I fixed it.

[ Cellphone vibrates ]

Hey, no phones at the table. Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm just planning a Valentine's Day flash mob for Bronwyn.

Oh, I flash-mobbed Camille in '07.

It went viral.

We were on "Good Morning America."

How was your day, baby?

Not too shabby.

I received eight Scooby-Doo cards from girls

who hold no charm for me.

Also, whom is "Scooby-Doo"?

He's a cartoon dog who solves mysteries.

Now that I'd be interested in.

Thanks again for dinner!

Oh, hey, Martin.

Hmm? Aren't you forgetting something?

What, compost? I thought we gave up on that.

Not compost.

Him?

No, he can't come with me to the garage.

We both won't fit in there.

Yeah, I'm more of a house guy. Yeah.

Yeah, the house is where this kid shines.

They're called "houseguests" for a reason.

Fine, one night.

Two nights, tops.

Three nights, if you're still super-duper sad like that.

Stop looking at me.

Nice work.

Gun-Woo: I miss you, Auntie.

Aww, I miss you too, Gun-Woo.

Where's Uncle Arthur?

Presumably at a Marriott?

Gorging himself on Frosted Flakes or whatever

they make available at those type of establishments.

[ Sighs ] We had an argument.

We may reconcile, we may not.

But until then, everything he owns in a box to the left.

I'm worried about you, Auntie.

Who's gonna take care of you?

Well, I take care of myself, of course.

You must not know 'bout me.

Stop quoting Beyoncé.

Uncle Arthur did everything for you.

I-I mean, y-you looked out for him, too.

That's why y'all were the perfect couple.

Mkay, good night, Gun-Woo! So many kisses!

[ Smooches ]

It's still lunchtime here, Auntie --

[ Sighs ]

No turndown service.

No chocolate mint?

♪♪

What the...

♪♪

[ Sighs ]

Candy?

Noice.

Here, you can have mine, too.

Noice!

Hey, you guys want me to read you

Chrissy Teigen's tweets while you fall asleep?

That's what I do for Camille.

I'm all set.

I'd love it.

Yeah?

Please. [ Chuckles ]

So, where were we?

Ah, yes.

"Sometimes I get legit upset that I'm not Italian."

-Same, Chrissy. Same. -Same, Chrissy. Same.

[ Laughs ]

Same, Chrissy. Same.

♪♪

[ Sighs ]

Who the...?

[ Keys clacking ]

Arthur, are you using my laptop?

I'm just backing up your files,

making sure everything is saved to the cloud,

just in case you spill a glass of Pinot.

I don't have any Pin-- I bought you some Pinot.

It's chilling in the wine fridge.

I don't have a wine -- I bought you a wine fridge.

Wow!

That was really thoughtful.

You're sure making yourself useful around here.

My work day starts at 11:00,

but my housework commences at sunrise.

I did the dishes,

I did the laundry, ooh, I made the beds.

I waxed and washed your car.

Holy crap!

Arthur, I didn't even notice you doing any of those things.

Yeah, Camille hates watching me do chores.

I think she feels guilty for not doing any herself.

Therefore, there's really only one solution.

That she pitch in and help?

No. That I train myself to do everything silently.

Out of view.

In the shadows.

Like a ninja.

Well, I'm gonna get myself a second cup of --

Damn.

Am I a good boy?

Such a good boy.

♪♪

[ Insects chirping ]

"Caj," huh?

I knew it. Ta-da!

♪ I come to you with empty hands ♪ Hey.

Oh, wow, that looks --

Yummers! ♪ I guess I just forgot again ♪

We having a little "lonely hearts" dinner for three?

Arthur! I thought you had plans.

Yeah, I was gonna watch "Sommersby"

and cry on the couch, but your Internet's a little laggy.

Did you try restarting?

♪ On Valentine's Day ♪ Yeah, tried that.

Close out all your apps?

Uh-huh.

♪ I ain't got a card to sign ♪ Ohh, two place settings. I gotcha.

♪ Roses have been hard to find ♪ Message received. That's embarrassing.

Hey, hey. No, no, no. Wait, wait, wait, wait.

What message are you receiving, exactly?

Because I've been told this is a casual dinner.

"Très caj," even.

100%.

So it's cool if Arthur joins us.

♪ On Valentine's Day ♪ Absolutely. Absolutely.

Pull up a chair. Très caj à trois.

Okay. Don't mind if moi do.

[ Chuckles ]

So, you're looking very nice tonight, Lena. ♪ I know that I swore ♪

Got all dolled up for an old friend. ♪ That I wouldn't forget ♪

Guess all your sweatpants were dirty.

They were.

This was the only thing I had clean.

I just did a load of laundry, though.

It's over there -- Didn't see it.

Martin, you look very handsome tonight.

Thank you. I love the brand-new jeans.

What, these? No.

No, I-I've had these. These are o-old jeans.

Oh, they still have the sticker. ♪ There's so much I want to say ♪

Wow! Look at that.

That's been on there for probably like 10 years, huh? ♪ But all the words just slip away ♪

Oh! That's embarrassing.

[ Both chuckle ] ♪ The way you love me every day ♪

All this flirty banter is making me miss Camille.

♪ Is Valentine's Day ♪ Thank you for sort-of inviting me for dinner,

but if you need me, I'll be upstairs

re-insulating your attic.

♪ Valentine's Day ♪

I can't find him anywhere.

He wasn't at Pilates nor Nobu

nor the women's section at Barneys,

nor the women's section at Neiman's.

Were you just looking for him in places you were already going?

Well, that's where he always is.

Relax, Camille.

Arthur's fine.

Is that so? You seem quite certain.

Okay, he's been staying here.

I should have told you.

Told me?!

Asked you? That doesn't sound right.

It is!

Look, the four of us are friends.

It's complicated.

And for the record, this is how I felt

when you were hanging out with Lisa Apple.

Oh! You two are divorced.

It's different. Well, is that where you're heading?

What are the games you're playing here?

Arthur is a good boy.

Okay, I hope you're not handing those out too liberally.

You need to ration those. Make him work for them.

I know you don't like feeling vulnerable, Camille,

but just admit it. You need him.

If anything, it's Grand Mal who's the one that's a wreck.

Mm. I caught her standing next to an open window,

and she was definitely weighing her options.

How is he?

If only so I can tell the dog. Great.

I mean, he's miserable, but he's amazing.

I had no idea what a little treasure you had at home.

Had. Yeah, I said "had."

Oh.

Relationships are give and take.

Arthur loves to give,

so maybe you can just take it a little easier on him.

Or I could give him something.

I don't think that's the solution to his --

I could give him one thing!

Perfect.

♪♪

Wee! Ta-da!

Wow! Great job, buddy!

Let me see you do it again!

Hey, look! It's the Jaspers!

Frank: Hey, Milo.

All right, share the ball, guys.

Oh, hey. I'm Arthur.

I think I met you at Milo's birthday party.

Oh, right, yeah.

Uh, you're his, uh, godfather or something, right?

I don't think so?

I would know if I was, right?

Maybe I should make a play for it.

[ Chuckles ]

So, uh, how is she?

Camille? Who?

No, I'm talking about Maya.

Maya.

Yeah, she was my girl.

Wait a second.

You're Sugar Beard. AKA Country Music Face!

Dang, boy. What?

[ Sniffles, voice breaking ] Yeah, I wasn't sure I'd ever

hear those nicknames again.

She quit me.

[ Voice breaking ] Camille quit me, too.

Or I quit her? Either way, we're quit.

And I'm trying to be patient.

You know, Maya's an Earth sign, so the last thing she needs

is pressure, but -- but I'm all fire, you know?

I do know!

Yeah, I mean, we -- we can only be who we are.

And I'm the man who loves her.

Okay, seriously?

I just got chills,

and you and I both have to remember --

Jasper! Jasper!

Jas-- Watch it, please?

If you fall, you get hurt, I've got nothing!

Nothing!

Good to see you.

♪♪

Thanks for letting me help you

with this commemorative scrapbook.

It's nice to have an outlet for my love.

How much longer are you stalkers gonna be in my room?

If you would just let us take the craft bin --

The craft bin stays.

"Feels Like Yesterday: Memories of Two Days Ago."

Bronwyn's gonna love it.

I hope she does.

And I hope she appreciates you, Mason,

'cause nothing feels worse than -- [ Ella Mai's "Boo'd Up" plays ]

Camille: ♪ Feelings, so deep in my feelings ♪

♪ No, this ain't really like me ♪

♪ Can't control my anxiety ♪

♪ Feeling, like I'm touching the ceiling ♪

♪ When I'm with you, I can't breathe ♪

♪ Boy, you do something to me ♪

Hey, Uncle Arthur, can you help --

I'm not your uncle! Get out of the way!

♪ Get me high like you do, yeah, yeah ♪ [ Laughing ]

[ Laughs ]

You like that song, right?

I really do!

I remember it was playing at a CVS.

And -- And you said you liked it.

That's right. I did!

I remembered that.

I remembered that, and I retained that information.

For you!

That's above and beyond, baby.

And I'm so sorry that I whiffed on Valentine's Day this year.

As long as we're apologizing, I'm sorry that I whiffed on

every Valentine's Day since we met. Okay.

And if you want to go to therapy --

I don't.

I don't want anyone else to judge us.

We are perfect just the way we are.

Let's never talk to anyone else ever again.

Just each other.

And our phones! And our phones!

[ Laughs ]

Can I drive?

No. Great.

[ Knock on door ] Lena: Hey, Mae?

What day is the bog?

Monday, why?

Okay, I'll rush-order the boots.

Already got 'em.

Where'd those come from?

Dad. Cute, right?

Yeah.

[ Joe Purdy's "Mary May & Bobby" plays ]

♪ It was a fine day in the fifth grade ♪

Did you get Mae boots?

♪ When Mary May let Bobby walk her home from school ♪ Uh, yeah, sorry, is that okay?

Yeah, it's okay. Thank you.

Why are you thanking me?

♪ And he loved the way her hair ♪ I didn't get you boots.

♪ Fell across her dress ♪ [ Chuckles ] Yeah, that's true.

♪ Went home singing ♪ Now I just have to get a present for, um --

♪ Who wrote the book of love ♪ Jacob's birthday?

Yeah. Dunzo.

♪ Try a little tenderness ♪ I got him Garmadon's Lair.

521 pieces. He's gonna be stoked.

Wow.

That one wasn't even on the board.

Yeah, what can I say?

I'm on it.

See? This is why I love you.

♪♪

♪ And there's just one more thing before you leave ♪

♪ He said, "Mary, marry me ♪

♪ We could live out by the sea" ♪

♪ "Oh, like they do on the movie screen" ♪

♪ "Oh, marry me, Mary May ♪

♪ Before you off and fly away" ♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪