Original subtitles

Previously on "Splitting Up Together"...

It's not a first date. Of course not. Why would it be?

I'm sorry. Is this making you feel weird?

It's not weird at all. Not at all.

Vlad: You're still in love with your ex-husband.

I am not!

To me, you feel off the market.

Well, I'm not off the market. I am on the market.

What are we?

Nothing.

People are buying that?

[ Chuckles ]

Beg pardon?

This has everything to do with you

and your unresolved feelings for Martin.

Martin: Hey, Lena.

Martin. What's wrong?

You cheating on me? With that Russian contractor?

What? We're not even together anymore.

You're dating another woman.

♪♪

There is no other woman.

There never will be another woman.

You know that.

[ Thompson Twins' "If You Were Here" plays ]

♪ If you were here ♪

♪ I could deceive you ♪

♪♪

It's a bodysuit.

It has snaps.

Oh.

[ Snaps pop ]

[ Loud pop ] [ Gasps ]

[ Panting ]

[ Birds chirping ]

[ Chuckles ]

♪♪

♪ Keep giving me hope for a better day ♪

♪ Keep giving me love to find a way ♪

♪ Through this heaviness I feel ♪

♪ I just need someone to say everything's okay ♪

♪ Everything's okay ♪

-- Captions by VITAC --

Mom, where are our lunches? It's turkey-and-tahini Tuesday.

Sorry, guys. I must've slept through my alarm.

Just like that, Hell hath frozen over.

Okay, Mom's thrown in the towel.

We're gonna have to fend for ourselves now.

I'm willing to be our ruler.

I'd sooner move into the garage with Dad.

I'm your dad now.

Mason: You'd be a terrible dad.

[ "If You Were Here" plays ]

[ Indistinct arguing ] [ Gasps ]

[ Music stops ] Guys, quiet!

Here.

You're buying lunch today.

Get your stuff. Come on. Grandpa's outside.

You know he only waits five minutes before he drives off.

[ Music resumes ]

♪ The rainwater drips ♪

♪ Through a crack in the ceiling ♪

[ Gasps ]

Ohh! [ Thud ]

Oh, my God! [ Groans ]

Oh! Hey.

[ Telephone beeps ] [ Chuckles ]

Oh, man, are you okay?

Fine. I'm fine.

I'm just -- I'm on hold for an important business call,

so can I get back to you? Mm-hmm.

Maybe I can get back to you. Yeah.

Oh, uh, hey, don't forget,

we need to get a sitter for parent/teacher night tomorrow.

Don't you forget.

You want me to call the sitter? I will.

Martin, get out of here. It is not your week!

Okay.

[ Sighs ]

♪♪

Gene. What the heck?!

Small world.

Small one block away from my job.

I don't have any bread for you, okay?

Okay. [ Chuckles ]

So, is this your normal look?

You're -- You're a corduroy man?

Mm, yeah. Mama likey. [ Chuckles ]

This is me. Bye.

Oh. Wait. Um... [ Clears throat ]

We've been seeing each other for a couple of weeks now.

I mean, you're a repeat customer, yeah.

I was kind of feeling like maybe we were more than that.

I literally don't even know your name.

[ Laughing ] Oh!

You're gonna love it.

It's Maya.

I'm Maya.

Well, Maya, guess I'll see you at your next meal,

if you're seated in my section. [ Car alarm chirps ]

Oh, come on, Gene. I don't know what's going on.

Are we -- Are we friends?

Are we enemies? Are we frenemies?

Are we frennies with bennies? Are we cuz-bros?

I don't know. I don't know.

I just really want to find out.

Preferably before I give birth, so...

maybe we could go out on a date.

Fine. But we're going to Rainforest Buffet.

Okay.

I recently slipped on some of their tilapia,

so they gave me a voucher for two free apps.

[ Engine starts ] Oh. I love tilapia.

Oh --

♪♪

I think he likes us.

♪♪

-Thanks, Lori. -Sure.

Anxious?

Is it that obvious?

Well, now, I used to have the worst anxiety

about going to the dentist.

My husband would have to come in

and hold my hand the whole time.

[ Chuckles ]

But since he's gone,

I just take one of these.

You want?

Oh! No, thank you.

I don't do drugs. I'm not a druggie.

Are you sure? Because these are herbal.

[ Drill whirring ]

Okay, yeah. I will take one. Thanks.

Oh, good.

[ Whirring continues ]

Oh.

Just for later. [ Chuckles ]

[ Chuckles ]

[ Button snaps ]

[ Whirring continues ]

So, is your husband not with us any longer?

He's not, no.

He's with that jezebel, Eleanor.

And she's the reason for the rising chlamydia rates

among the elderly.

She's just got a messy little crinkum-crankum,

if you know what I mean.

I think I do. Mm. [ Door opens ]

[ Whirring continues ] Lena, we're ready for you.

How did you say this happened?

Well...

I had this erotic dream about my ex-husband,

wherein he reached down and unsnapped my bodysuit.

Ohh!

And then when I woke up, I ran face-first

into the fridge door just to avoid seeing him.

[ Chuckles ]

The whole thing's kind of hilarious,

if you think about it.

I bet he would think it's hilarious, too.

"To: Martin.

Subject: Hilarious."

Are you feeling okay?

Who, me? Mm-hmm.

I'm legit. Oh, okay.

Aw, man! No signal?

Message will be saved in my outbox?

Well, bad news.

That tooth of yours is cracked all the way up to the root,

so we're gonna have to do an emergency root canal.

[ Inhales sharply ] Yeah. Yeah.

The thing is, I don't do so well...

I don't do so well.

Yeah. We know.

Everyone knows.

Might I suggest some sedation?

Yeah. You can suggest it. You can do it.

Uh...

Take me to the moon!

[ Gas hissing ]

Mm. Oh!

Just breathe normally.

Okay.

Oh! Excuse me.

I failed to disclose something.

I was fed a pill

by a, um, a kind, old lady.

What if there's some kind of interaction?

Or, like, combined drug toxicity?

I'm gonna have the doctor come and talk to you.

Just try to relax. [ Gasps ]

Think about that bodysuit.

Okay.

♪♪

I like your voice.

[ Echoing ] I like your voice.

Nurse: [ Echoing ] Think about that bodysuit.

[ Giggles ]

Lena: [ Echoing ] Bodysuit. Bodysuit. Bodysuit.

Miriam: [ Echoing ] Crinkum-crankum.

[ Panting ]

[ Frantic music plays ]

[ Serene music plays ]

[ Frantic music plays ] [ Panting ]

[ Serene music plays ]

Ma'am?

[ Knock on door ]

I know.

I know -- she's mad.

She's very mad, but she can't be that mad,

because she came, right?

You said lunch.

I did.

I have lunch. Come in.

[ Door closes ]

All right, see? Look.

Look what I did.

I did this -- all me.

So, what the hell, dude?

What's up with the head games?

You begged to stay over at my place,

and when I finally say yes, you, like,

make up some stupid lie and run off.

I know. I just got a little freaked out.

By what?

I mean, everything's normal at my house.

Are you just one of those guys who loves the chase,

and then the second a woman's interested, you're done?

Are you just one of those women who likes men

when they seem uninterested?

[ Cellphone rings ] Because if so...

I am taking this call.

Hello?

She what?

[ Sighs ] What?

Well, why didn't anyone stop her?

Ah, geez.

Okay, no.

Yeah. I'll be right there.

Okay, full disclosure here -- no phony excuses.

This is me letting you in.

My wife is missing.

What?

Mm-hmm. Wow.

I know -- it sounds like a lie, but I swear it's true.

You just called her your wife.

Ohh.

Oh, no, that's just because that's what they called her --

the doctor's office just now on the phone.

And why would they do that?

[ Stammers ]

Sexism?

God! It just pisses me off, you know?

I mean, just the stuff that you guys have to go through.

[ Exhales sharply ]

Also, I'm still her emergency contact,

and she's still on my insurance.

Okay. Nice meeting you.

No, look, Paige -- Okay.

Clearly, our divorces are not compatible,

but that doesn't mean that we can't be.

Look.

Let me go find my ex-wife

and then take my future one out for drinks.

Did you just propose to me?

N-No, I-I-I-I certainly didn't mean to.

I mean, I literally was just trying to sound...clever.

And if I'm being honest, I probably won't marry again.

Although I am open to living with someone.

Obviously, Lena would need a room.

[ Laughs ]

Kidding.

So, drinks later?

Hm?

[ Groans ]

I have her belongings. I just don't have her.

I'm gassing up Gene's Yaris.

Otherwise, I'd love to help you look.

Hey. Do you want me to check the oil?

Who's Gene?

Hey, watch the pump!

Don't let it get over 6 bucks.

Anything over 6, you're covering.

Sounds like a winner.

Come on, Maya. Think.

I don't have time for this right now.

I just ran out on my date with Paige after apologizing

for running out on my previous date with Paige.

[ Cellphone rings ]

Hold on.

I got to take this.

Okay! Bye!

Could you get a towel?

[ Cellphone rings ]

What's up? Hey, bro.

I just caught Lena's set at the farmers market.

She's pretty talented.

What?!

[ Reggae music plays ]

♪ Buffalo Soldier ♪

♪ Dreadlock Rasta ♪

Oh, no.

♪ There was a Buffalo Soldier! ♪

I beg you -- I beg you to stop before -- ♪ In the heart of America! ♪

Don't say it. Don't say it!

♪ Stolen from Africa -- ♪

[ Thud ] [ Crowd gasps ]

[ Laughing ] Okay, come on.

Okay.

Hi.

Hi.

Hey! Yeah, hi!

Hey, sorry. I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry.

[ Chanting ] Let her sing! Legalize it!

It's legal, dude.

What are you doing here?

Gettin' my bone broth on.

That's not a beverage, man.

Hey, you going to parent/teacher night?

Bye!

Little darling gonna stir it up?

Lena: [ Jamaican accent ] Hey, mon! Why ya harsh my vibe?

Um, okay, look, I'm gonna drop you off

so you can sleep off that offensive accent.

I will go to parent/teacher night.

Are you kidding me? I'm not missing parent/teacher.

I am a parent, Martin.

Education is my top priority.

Lena, but you're --

[ Goofily ] My candidacy was founded on education.

[ Laughing ] Oh, my gosh.

Okay. Whatever.

If you're coming, we got to get some food in your stomach

to help sober you up.

I am sober.

I say "Nope" to dope.

Did ya, though?

No.

I said "Yes."

[ Laughs ]

I cannot believe you're eating from a street cart.

You must be really high.

[ Laughs ]

Oh, wait. Huh?

Is this that cart? The guy?

Remember, we got tacos here and then we went home and we...

What are you talking about?

We had sex... in the car?

Oh, yeah. Uh...that wasn't me.

Well, whose fault is that?

[ Chuckles ]

[ Scoffs ]

[ Clears throat ]

Hey, seriously, how come we didn't ever have sex in a car?

What are you talking about?

Martin, why did our love life die?

Um...

Probably because of Thursdays at 9:00 p.m.

Hm?

You decided that that would be our sex night. Remember?

Yeah, I remember.

And then you decided to join that basketball troop

on Thursdays so that you would never be home.

Basketball league.

There are some things

that you shouldn't be able to dictate, Lena.

Fine.

How come you didn't come up with a sex plan of your own?

Because that's not the kind of lover I am, okay?

Well, what kind of lover are you?

I don't know.

I'm like...Prince.

I love Prince.

Yeah, well, Prince never would've had

regularly scheduled sex with you.

You don't know that. Don't speak for Prince.

Oh, Prince would never schedule it, okay?

He needed to feel it. He needed to be in the moment.

What, did you have sex with Prince?

[ Both laugh ]

♪♪

Honestly, I think I used the no-sex thing

as a way to get back at you --

for making me feel like nothing I ever did

was good enough.

Well, I think I used the scheduled-sex thing

because I could feel you slipping away

and I was desperate to hold on and --

Lena, I-I -- Martin, no.

No, I -- No, no.

Martin, no!

Martin, no!

Hey! Stop it!

Hey, hey, hey! No, no, no, no, no, no!

Ohhhh!

Martin: So, let me get this straight --

you can park here for two hours

between 10:00 A.M. and 6:00 P.M., right?

But there's no parking from 8:00 A.M. to 8:00 P.M.

Okay. And does that symbol mean you can fish here?

I'm gonna call the tow company.

Oh! My phone is dead!

Ugh. My Uber's just pinwheeling.

We're gonna miss parent/teacher night.

And Paige is gonna kill me.

It sounds more like a lie

than the actual lies I've told her.

Oh, good news -- your sister

and the guy she's been dating are gonna grab us.

What guy she's been dating?

I'm confused.

So am I.

When did this happen?

It didn't. Oh, cut it out, Gene.

He's reluctant but present.

Like Dad.

I thought your relationship with Gene

was primarily bread-based,

in that he brings you bread.

But not just bread.

He also got me these potato skins.

I got those for me.

[ Chuckles ]

[ Singsong voice ] Incoming PDA!

He's, like...familiar, you know?

He's mean. "Gene."

Look, I've been very clear with your sister,

but she's like a dog with a bone.

A dog!

With a bone!

And when is a dog happier?

Don't finish all the potato skins. I want some.

I'm suddenly very exhausted.

Oh, here. Lie down.

But I would also like a potato skin.

♪♪

Steady. Two step--

What happened to you?

None taken.

Wait. Did you say "No offense"?

No.

I like sloppy and toasted Lena.

She's like if Lena lived in a trailer

and started laundering money in the Ozarks.

I just binged "Ozark."

I love Laura Linney.

Okay, look.

This is our first parent/teacher night,

and we're trying to make a good first impression.

Since we're not real parents, there's strike one.

But this -- this could easily be strikes two and three,

so bye.

Arthur: Bye!

[ Indistinct conversations ]

Dodson. Hey, nice to see you again.

Hi.

Dig the tie.

Oh! Shakespeare.

Duh. I know that.

Lena. Hello. Hey.

I've been preparing all semester for your visit.

Here is a written defense of my lesson plan,

a schedule of my after-school availability.

I'm sorry about Thursdays.

I have physical therapy for a torn meniscus.

And before you ask, I am not currently taking

[ Chuckling ] any pain medication.

Oh, and, uh, here is a full dossier

of my teaching credentials, just in case you lost the copy

that you subpoenaed last year.

[ Papers slap ]

Life's too short, man.

Seriously, I'm just stoked that you're dedicating your life

to helping the children,

A.K.A., our future.

Is she on something?

She is, yeah. [ Chuckling ] Oh.

Can it be permanent?

Listen, baby, you're doing the best you can,

and that's all one can ask for

in this crazy, mixed-up world.

I love you.

I love you so much.

Okay.

Okay, let's boogie.

Uh, yeah, we have some other teachers to meet.

[ Cellphone buzzing ]

[ Groans, clears throat ]

If you need to go have sex with your girlfriend -- I don't. I don't.

I'm just saying I don't need you to be my caretaker.

Yes, you do.

The universe will look after me.

No, it won't.

[ Buzzing continues ]

Well, let's see.

I can take the call and tell her that, once again,

I am blowing off our plans to spend time with you

or I can let it go to voicemail

and accept that it's pretty much over.

[ Buzzing continues ]

[ Buzzing stops ]

Well, you know what they say -- "No woman, no cry."

Yeah, that's actually not the meaning of that song.

And if you're gonna make the rounds as a white Rasta lady,

you better get it straight.

[ Car door closes ] Ah.

I think I'm finally not faded.

Wow. You even picked up on the drug lingo.

I WebMD'd my symptoms,

and that was literally the diagnosis.

[ Chuckles ]

There we go.

Uh, sorry we ran late.

It's whatever. I literally have no life.

Okay. Well, so that -- that -- that works out.

I ate all your cookie dough.

[ Cellphone whooshes ]

Oh.

Martin, I think you just got an inappropriate e-mail from me

that you should probably delete.

Really?

I wrote it under the influence.

Subject line: "Hilarious."

No, it's nau-- it's naughty. How can I not read this right now?

It's -- No, please, just delete it. Oh, you're not helping your case!

Come on! Stop! Stop! Stop!

Bodysuit, huh?

Oh, boy.

Oh.

This is steamy.

You dreamt this about us?

I respect your relationship with Paige. I really do.

Oh.

Well, as predicted,

I no longer have a relationship with Paige.

She dumped me over voicemail.

She did? Yeah.

It's pretty hard to keep a relationship

when you're living with your ex.

I understand. I really do.

♪♪

You know...

this top is a bodysuit.

Are you making a pass at me?

'Cause it's not Thursday night.

♪♪

[ Snaps popping ]

One snap left.

Maybe we revisit that third snap

sometime when you're a little less...irie.

[ The Foundations' "Build Me Up Buttercup" plays ]

♪♪

♪ Why do you build me up ♪

♪ Build me up, buttercup, baby ♪

♪ Just to let me down ♪

♪ Let me down ♪ ♪ And mess me around ♪

♪ And then worst of all ♪ ♪ Worst of all ♪

♪ You never call, baby, when you say you will ♪

♪ Say you will ♪ ♪ But I love you still ♪

Maya: I don't lecture you

about the men that you're interested in.

I'm not lecturing you, Maya.

Hey, Dad.

I'm simply pointing out that you broke it off

with Sugar Beard,

who had a full-blown country-music face

and was desperately in love with you,

to date...Gene?

A cold, punishing waiter who barely knows your name.

Uh, is this gonna wind up being my fault?

Because I stuck around and raised you girls.

If you had a daughter, would you rather she dated

someone like Frank or someone like Gene?

Is this a trick question?

Because I have a daughter.

I have two.

Right.

And do you think that Maya sabotaged

a potentially great relationship

in favor of a not-so-great one

possibly due to her chronic low self-esteem?

Fine, and do you think that Lena is holding

her ex-husband emotionally hostage,

refusing to work on their relationship

while preventing him from being in any others?

Brunch is supposed to be relaxing.

It's Sunday.

I'm not coming to these anymore.

Dad!

Where are you going?! We need your answer!

Come on, Dander. Let's go. [ Clicks tongue ]

He's such a coward.

You're a coward, Dad!

Brunch was great.

Thank you!