Original subtitles

Previously on "Splitting Up Together"...

-What happened? -We, uh...

-Slept together. -Who'd you have sex with?

-Frank. -Yeah, AKA Sugar Beard.

Are the three of you aware that Martin and I broke up?

Lisa Apple, are you pregnant or not?

I think we may have to ruin Martin and Lena's weekend.

[ Insects chirping ]

[ Vacuum whirring ]

Hey, Lena.

Lena!

Can we please talk?

Sorry! I can't hear you!

Okay, well, how am I able to hear you if you can't hear me?

[ Whirring stops ]

Hey, look, I know you don't want to get into it,

but I think it would healthy for us to have --

A baby?

Really, Martin?

A baby with Lisa Apple?

And what would that even mean to the kids, to us?

How do we explain that to people?

I-I don't know. I don't know, but I-I do know --

This is the ultimate sign,

the ultimate, giant billboard of a sign -- "It's over!"

I disagree. "Move on!"

I don't want to.

[ Sighs ] And, by the way,

who accidentally gets someone pregnant at your age?

Did you forget how sex worked?

Come on. Did you not use birth control?

We used birth control, okay?

It's just -- It's just...

My guys are very dogged.

You know that.

Milo.

Are you seriously

giving your sperm a shout-out right now?

I'm not giving them a shout-out.

It's more like credit where credit is --

"Dogged"?

You know what?

They're reckless.

Every last one of them.

That's their job, Lena.

Look.

We don't actually know if Lisa is pregnant, right?

Yes. Technically, we don't know for sure.

So, before we go making any rash decisions

or saying things about each other's sperms

that we can't take back,

can we at least find out if it's true?

"We"? Me.

I promise to get to the bottom of this, okay?

But you...

Just don't skip ahead to the ending.

Don't skip ahead to us ending.

So, what,

I'm supposed to just sit around here and --

Wait.

Just wait.

You know, I know you're not big on waiting.

I know you like to rally the troops

and march them down the field, but...

just this once...

will you wait up for me?

Go talk to Lisa Apple.

I'm on it.

♪ Keep giving me hope for a better day ♪

♪ Keep giving me love to find a way ♪

♪ Through this heaviness I feel ♪

♪ I just need someone to say everything's okay ♪

♪ Everything's okay ♪

I know, you guys.

I know, but Martin's trying.

You know who else was trying?

Toby last year.

But that didn't get him out of the second grade.

Harsh, but fair.

See? That's what I'm trying to be -- fair.

Even though every fiber of my being is telling me to run,

I am not doing that.

Why? Because that's what love is --

ignoring your own instincts

and putting someone else's needs first.

That's what love is?

Well, it's open for debate, but, yes, that's what it is.

[ Door opens, bell jingles ]

Pbht!

Mason, hey! What are you doing here?

I thought you hated crafty stuff.

I do, but Hazel's camp friends

wanted to try, so we're all here.

Well, tight. Mom.

And, Hazel, I love this new look.

So much going on.

It's about gloves.

Okay, darling? It's about gloves.

Okay, well -- Listen.

No, I am. We all are.

It's -- It's very intriguing.

Here -- I'll set you kids up at this table.

And, Toby, we'll continue our conversation...

[ Bell jingles ] ...on love and sacrifice when I return.

I need more brown.

You got it.

Aha! So you're a Taurus.

[ Chuckles ] I guess. Ah, spoken like a true Taurus.

[ Chuckles ]

And so, what are you?

I'll give you a hint.

My ruler is Mars. I'm a natural-born leader.

My element is fire.

I really don't follow --

Okay, I also share a star sign with Mariah Carey,

Chance the Rapper, and Scott Eastwood.

I basically just gave it away.

[ Laughs ] I'm an Aries, girl!

Oh, an Aries!

Right!

Like Scott Eastwood.

Hell, yeah! [ Sighs ]

Oh, man, I am so stoked on you being a Taurus.

It's like I hit the jackpot.

You're honest, loyal.

Yes, that's me.

♪ Womp, womp, womp-womp ♪

♪ She give me what I wanna ♪

♪ Ball so hard, need a warm-up ♪

♪ I bagged her at the Walmart ♪

♪ Yeah ♪ Wow, man. Wow!

I don't normally feel comfortable playing favorites,

but this track is my favorite!

♪ She give me what I wanna ♪

Meeting.

♪ I bagged her at the Walmart ♪

-Hey. -I'm in a meeting.

Yeah, I know, but I need to talk to you.

[ Sighs ]

[ Music stops ] Come on in.

[ Telephone rings ]

Hey, man. I-I'm Martin. I'm Valee.

Uh, sorry to interrupt, um,

but I-I need your help with that...

that new band, The Lisa Apple Situation.

Lisa Apple's not really a band.

It's his ex-girlfriend who might be knocked up.

Womp, womp, womp-womp. Dude!

I'm just trying to be transparent with my client.

Who knocks somebody up at your age?

My guys are very dogged.

Not me.

Super low sperm count.

So, we're just telling Valee everything about our --

our lives?

Yeah. Okay.

Well [Clears throat] Lisa Apple is not my only problem.

Okay, I'm still trying to patch things up with my ex-wife,

Lena, but she's --

Got you on hold till she figures out

what's happening with the, uh, Apple Situation.

Hundo-P!

Don't say that. Okay.

Look, I know I need to talk to her, and I'm gonna.

I am on it, but I'm just kind of dreading it, you know?

I mean, whether she is or -- or isn't pregnant,

I know she's not gonna be happy to see me.

[ Cellphone clicking ]

Yo. Hey!

Hey, I am baring my soul to you right now

and you're on your phone?

Valee is listening, and we're not even friends.

I feel like we're friends.

-Yeah. -I am listening.

I'm just searching Lisa Apple's 'gram for intel.

She just posted.

"A lot on my mind."

She's pregnant. Definitely pregnant.

You know what we should do next?

We should all paint a teapot together.

Then we'd have, like, a friendship tea set.

We're totally doing that.

Bible.

All: Bible!

Bible!

Right.

♪♪

What the hell?

[ Faucet running ]

[ Faucet turns off ] Honey, what's going on?

What do you mean?

You're acting like some kind of a lap dog.

And also, friendship tea set?

It's fine.

I haven't seen Hazel all summer,

and I missed her, and I'm just trying to rekindle things.

♪♪

Are you wearing makeup? Mm, no.

Okay, well, this morning, your complexion

was "Apricot Ice,"

and now it's practically "Summer Peach."

[ Quietly ] It's tinted sunscreen.

[ Normal voice ] Look, Hazel went to André Leon Talley's

fashion camp, okay? Okay.

And those kids are her gay bunkmates,

who, as you can see, are flawless.

Hazel, also flawless.

Me -- not so flawless.

What? That's not true.

Mom, stop.

I look like an old sheep dog.

More green, darling.

On it, darling!

Okay, I am not comfortable with you changing

who you are and abandoning your interests

for some glove-wearing --

"That's what love is -- putting someone else's needs first."

Exactly. Thank you.

What's the ETA on brown?

♪♪

[ Paint sputters ]

Gene: Welcome back.

Will the silver fox be joining you today?

Oh! No, but thank you for asking.

No, I'm -- I'm dining alone.

I have [Grumbles] so much on my mind.

Oh, I just meant do you need the second chair?

No, but what do I need? [ Chuckles ]

So, I-I can take the chair?

I don't know. I don't know anything.

That's not fair. I did know.

I knew my whole life that I wanted to have a baby,

and then I never met the right guy.

So I got a donor, and now I'm pregnant.

I'll get a different chair.

And then I met the silver fox,

whose real name is Sugar Beard, aka Country Music Face.

And you saw him. I did.

He's so handsome.

And he's really into me.

And he values honesty.

[ Sighs ]

I have to tell him, don't I?

I-I mean, I don't want to, but should I?

I-I'm just -- I'm afraid that I'm gonna scare him off!

Based on this interaction, I'm thinking you will.

Do you know how to act normal or...?

What happened to the bread guy?

He seemed nicer. Look.

Why not just tell him what's going on

and say that you're asking for a friend

and that you want his thoughts on what the friend should do?

Are you kidding? That's your advice?

Because anyone who's attended middle school

knows that when you say you're "asking for a friend,"

you're asking for yourself.

Yeah, but that's only because people don't put enough

thought into a credible backstory.

You really have to flesh out the friend

if you want someone to buy it.

No. That's never worked.

Wrong.

This saved my friend Jonas' marriage.

Oh, come on. Yeah. I've known him since college.

Good guy, lives in Encino,

married his high-school sweetheart,

but two kids later, their love life goes kaput.

So, he asks "for a friend"

if she thinks introducing a third party

might spice things up.

[ Chuckles ]

And what did the wife say?

The wife doesn't exist.

Neither does Jonas. That's my point.

Work on your backstory.

♪♪

Mae Day, what's all this? [ Keyboard clacking ]

Presentation for bio.

Oh, word?

Talk me in.

[ Keychain clinks ]

Tell me all the deets.

Or as a scientist would say, the details.

[ Chuckles ] It's about how baby boomers

ruined the planet for future generations

by ignoring the clear signs of global warming.

Ha!

They totally did.

I created a CGI animation

showing the decades of changing weather patterns.

[ Computer whirring ]

Wow.

So you just banged this whole thing out, huh?

You're really on it.

You know, sometimes, I-I say that I'm on it,

but honestly, I'm nowhere near it.

Okay? And I'm sure you're not dying to do it.

I actually really need to -- You just rolled up your sleeves

and handled your business like a grown-ass man.

I don't think we have to assign a gender to it,

but yes, I did.

Procrastination is for losers.

[ Keyboard clacking ] "Losers"?

[ Clacking stops ] Losers.

Cowards. Weaklings.

Little babies.

The elderly.

If there's a task at hand, just get to it.

Right?

Right.

[ Clacking resumes ]

[ Sighs ] Okay.

Thank you.

Lena: Hey, Mason!

I found a blending egg in the bathroom

of the shop, and -- Mason: Mine.

Just leave it in my room, please.

Oh. Okay, will do. But, Mason, I've been thinking.

I know you want to impress Hazel... Mason: Yep.

...and I just want to make sure

you don't lose sight of yourself in the process.

I won't.

Okay, 'cause it's just -- it --

[ Door opens ] You've been a little --

♪♪

Why?

And how?

But mostly why.

Guilty of the "how,"

but I'm pretty sure the "why" speaks for itself.

Don't you love?

Um...well --

I know. Me, too.

I mean, no offense, but I kind of never

really got Mason before, but this --

this is just mm, mm, mm, mm, mwah!

Totally, but this is all reversible, right?

Whoa. You look beat to hell.

That's kind of what I was wanting to say.

Mason, it's too much.

Really? I think it's super subtle.

He looks like a plastic surgeon from the 1970s.

As long as Hazel likes it, I don't care.

See? That's fascinating to me, son.

That's what I want to explore.

It's clear you want Hazel to want you,

but do you even want her if it means keeping up all this?

Mom, yes. I'm in love with Hazel.

He's deeply in love with her.

Are you, though?

Or are you in love with the idea of her being in love with you?

No, I'm in actual deep love with her. I'm so confused right now.

Shh, shh, shh.

I think I'm figuring something out about myself.

[ Keys jingling ]

Ugh. I know.

I know you don't want to see me.

Trust me. I've stalled as long as I could

to avoid putting that exact look on your face.

Well, sorry about my face.

Bye. No, look.

Lisa, I'm sure I'm the last person you want to talk to.

Actually, you were the first person I wanted to talk to

when I left your house that night half-naked and crying.

But I never heard from you.

Right, so then I became the last person

like I was originally saying.

Just...

No, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Look, forget it. Lisa.

I heard something about you, potentially about us.

And if it's true,

I-I want to be there to... see you through.

See me through?

Are you pregnant?

I'm not doing this!

You don't get to come here and ask me your questions

when you haven't answered any of mine. Okay.

No, I -- Hey, I get that. That's fair.

What are your questions?

[ Keys clack ]

Did you sleep with your ex-wife?

Wow, just s-starting off with the big one, huh?

Did you?

I did, yeah.

Well, that sucks.

So, I was right about you still having feelings for her.

You were right.

So you admit you lied?

Lisa...

Did you also lie about

being able to do two-finger pushups like Bruce Lee?

No! I used to be able to do those in college.

I swear! This guy Dan has a tape.

So, are you and Lena getting back together?

I guess it depends.

Can I ask you a question now? Negative.

Test was negative, so you're off the hook.

So, you're not pregnant?

Nope.

So, there's no reason for you to be here.

I guess not.

[ Keys clack ]

I have one more question.

Do you think you could ever forgive me?

Everything okay? Yeah, yeah.

Talk to me, girl. What's wrong?

Well [Clears throat] it's just...

You know my friend Karen, my best friend since I was 9?

I think I've told you about her before.

She's allergic to stone fruit, and she was in the Air Force.

Capricorn? Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I think I remember Karen.

Yeah. How is she doing? Not good.

See, Karen always wanted to have a baby,

but she never met the right guy.

Not even in the Air Force? No.

So, she decided to use a donor, which I really admire.

Don't you? Oh, yeah! Totally.

I mean, she took fate into her own hands.

Yes, she did! Yes, that's right,

and it's just so Karen if you know her, and I do.

Mm. Here's the rub --

a week after she finds out she's pregnant,

she meets this really great guy.

Ooh, plot twist.

And now she's like, "Maya,

my best friend since I was 9,

do you think that I should tell him?

Do you think that he's gonna break up with me?"

What do you think, you know, just from a guy's perspective?

Honestly?

He's definitely gonna dump her.

When Jasper was born,

that little creature just took over --

the bed, the boob.

It was all diapers. No date nights.

That's a lot to ask of the average guy,

and add the fact that it's not even his baby.

Karen doesn't stand a chance.

Mm. She's gonna need our support,

so I definitely want to meet her.

If not tonight, some other time.

You want to meet Karen?

He's been like this for hours, and watch.

Mason? Can I put another puppy sticker on your face?

If it's okay, just say nothing.

[ Sighs ]

What's wrong with you? Stop doing that.

Mason, sweetheart, what happened?

I did everything she wanted.

It didn't matter.

She snapshattered my heart.

Lena: "All these weights, but we didn't work out."

Oh, that's pretty clever.

"Clever"? It's not clever.

It's cruel.

You know, things can be both.

Mason, honey, I know you're hurting,

and I know things seem scary, but you don't have to be afraid.

This is your chance to figure out who you are

outside the confines of a relationship.

You've spent so much time...

taking care of everyone else. I have?

And now it's time for you to try to take care of you.

Nurture your own interests.

Maybe learn to play an instrument.

I play piano. Or travel.

You've always wanted to see Europe.

I'm a high-school student.

♪ Hey, lady, you, lady ♪

♪ Cursing at your life ♪

♪ You're a discontented mother ♪

♪ And a regimented wife ♪

Okay, she's definitely talking to herself again.

♪ I've been to paradise ♪

♪ But I've never been to me ♪

Are you having a nervous breakdown?

[ Paper rustles ]

♪♪

[ Door opens ] Martin: Lena?

Hey, babe.

Good news -- I spoke to Lisa Apple.

No.

No, no, you promised.

You promised. You said that you --

Martin.

Lisa is not pregnant, okay?

There's no obstacle other than -- Me.

I'll just go right back to the way I was.

I'll put you first.

I will put you first, too.

Okay, I will put you wherever you want.

You just have to just let me know where to put you.

I don't want to have to tell you.

And trust me -- eventually, you won't want to be told!

But I don't understand.

You know, everything was fine.

We were getting along great. We -- We just had our honeymoon.

Right, and at some point, the honeymoon ends

and we're back to the day-to-day,

and -- and if I'm being honest...

What?

...I spent so long wishing that you still wanted me,

I think I lost sight of whether or not I still wanted you.

[ Scoffs ]

Okay.

Wow.

Like...

Seriously, wow.

Martin, you're the one who has to wait now.

You have to be patient.

I-I can't just let you choose me.

I need to know that I'm also choosing you.

You know what?

After 16 years of marriage and this half-assed divorce,

if you still don't know how you feel about me,

then -- oh, my God, you nutbag --

you never will! Martin.

No, there's nothing left to discuss here, Lena.

This little experiment is over.

What's that supposed to mean?

It means that I want out of this arrangement.

I want to sell the house.

♪♪

[ Door opens, closes ]

♪ One of us is changing ♪

♪ Or maybe we just stopped trying ♪

So, it looks like Lisa Apple isn't pregnant.

Arthur: Good.

Cute-ass baby, though.

Little head, big glasses.

At least Lena and Martin are back on.

No, looks like that's not happening, either.

Aw. What a bummer.

You know what's not a bummer?

[ Leather squeaking ]

♪♪

I feel like I should like it more than I do.

You sure?

'Cause I'm really feeling myself right now.

Really? Yeah, I feel like a member of the Night's Watch.

You look like Count Chocula. It's a nonstarter for me.

You want to have sex?

It might change your mind.

Pants off, cape on.

Okay, they're leather. I need your help.

Yeah.